Tag Archives: prostitution

Why Seek The World?

hands

This world of palaces, thrones, and crowns.

This world of societies that resent humanity,

This world of those hungry for [material] wealth,

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

 

Each body is injured, each soul is thirsty,

With confused eyes and hearts full of sorrow,

Is this the world or the dominion of senselessness?

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

In this world where a person’s being is only a toy,

It is an establishment that worships death

Where it costs less to die than to breathe,

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

 

Here youth wanders in hopelessness,

Young bodies are decorated and sold in the market,

Where love is treated as a product to trade,

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

This world, where human life is nothing,

Where loyalty is nothing, where friendship is nothing,

Where love has no meaning at all,

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

Burn this world, set it on fire!

Move this world away from me!

The world is yours, you take care of it.

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

____

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil bhi Jaaye to Kya Hain? (Pyaasa, 1957)

————–

Subhanallah, what a beautiful, yet tragic Urdu poem from the 1957 classic Pyaasa. It is worthy to share this ghazal in time where ‘success’ is equated to fulfilling or striving for worldly pleasures. But what happens when one attains all the so-called worldly ‘pleasures’? You gained the world, but at what cost? Does the heart feel full? How many lives were slaughtered or degraded in the process of obtaining “success” and “happiness”?

I’ve met many great souls who are tormented, silently. They were, at some point during their lives, duped into believing that they weren’t ‘successful’ enough because they weren’t attaining enough worldly ‘pleasures.’ Or, perhaps, like myself, they obtained the so-called ‘good life’ and realized it meant nothing. My desire to ‘gain the world’ has lessened. It is my hope that myself and others can gain the strength to resist the deceptively-charming-in-your-face forces that are rampant in society. Life has so much beauty to offer that isn’t always visible to the human eye. After all, what significance is the world in a superficial sense? What significance is a body with no spiritual depth? It is only the soul that is immortal.

I actually feel great sadness when I realize many people are still chasing the worldly ‘pleasures’ to the extent that they become apathetic and soulless. People are seduced by this false notion that ‘gaining the world’ makes a worthy life. Such a predisposition suggests that a life without glamour, superficial beauty, money and power is unworthy. Again, does money, prestige and power make the heart feel full? Or does one even have a heart once they’ve slowly bartered off their soul for their ego?  The world (duniya) is only temporary —  Life becomes meaningful when one focuses on enriching their soul, not their ego. 

Duniya

 

 

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Filed under My Poetry and Others, Uncategorized

Justice For All? The use of Law and the Hypocrisy of Feminist Stances Towards Prostitution Laws

How do government laws affect the lives of prostitutes? Below is an old essay I wrote regarding prostitution laws in today’s Modern nation-state world:

justice

It is hard to imagine reading a paper or watching the news without hearing about some excerpt about prostitution and laws surrounding. After all, prostitution has historically been a popular and controversial issue in many societies. Defining prostitution is difficult because of the various interpretations of its meaning. According to the World Health Organization, prostitution is, “a process that involves a transaction between a seller and a buyer of a sexual service.” On the other hand, the United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS has a more complex interpretation of prostitution: “Sex work may be formal or informal,” and then continue to explain that, “Commercial sex work may be conducted in formally organized settings from sites such as brothels, night clubs, and massage parlors; or more informally by commercial sex workers who are street-based or self-employed.” The complexity of prostitution helps explain why it’s an issue that evokes multiple opinions. In the modern nation-state, prostitution has become a social ‘issue’ that is regulated or prohibited by law. For instance, prostitution may be illegal, legal, or decriminalized. For social and cultural academics, it is important to make the sense of laws and the society. Therefore, one can use different theoretical frameworks, such as feminism or bio-politics, to explain the prostitution phenomena. In this essay, I will look at certain feminist influences on prostitution laws, and it’s implications. I will then analyze those feminist trends in prostitution laws through the lens of biopower. The two popular feminist stances have been either to tolerate prostitution by regulating it or to abolish prostitution by criminalizing it. Overall, prostitution laws result in the further marginalization of prostitutes despite being back by some feminist groups. Prostitution laws, instead, maintains neoliberal state interests while ignoring the true feminist aim of female empowerment.

Theory

Biopower is a term that was coined by Michel Foucault, which inspired a new theoretical frame to academic thought. For Foucault, biopower is the ‘”regulatory power of states over populations,” which thus produces, “docile bodies in everyday life of institutions.” In other words, Foucault tried to emphasize that the body is a way to understand a society and how power is used to control their lifestyles. Lifestyles of individuals and their self-care practices are influenced by an overarching power. Giorgio Agamben further elaborated Foucault’s theory. In Agamben’s view, the sovereign power constructs ideals for citizenship where certain lifestyles amount to a ‘qualified life.’ However, individuals who contrast from the ‘ideal’ are living a ‘bare life,’ and thus are excluded in various ways, such as marginalization or facing violence. Therefore, the marginalized groups in society are only marginalized because state power determines who can be included in the society and who cannot. In “What’s Law Got to Do with it? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work,” Jane Scoular notes that prostitutes are part of the ‘bare life,’ where they are marginalized due to not being ‘ideal’ citizens.  To understand biopower, it is important to know who is an ‘ideal’ citizen and answer: what is the purpose of including some while excluding others?

In modern nation-states in the West, a ‘qualified’ life relates to neoliberal ideals. Neoliberalism is a shift in political, economic and ideological policy that began in the 1980’s (Yang, 2013), which currently dominates many governments globally. Economically, it is a policy of free-markets with minimal government interventions. Politically, it is the diffusion of government into smaller institutions. The notion of ‘freedom’ and individualism is the ideology behind neoliberalism, where individual freedom is achieved only through free markets. Yet the hidden element is that neoliberal policies seek to maintain the power of economic elites, and, it’s a “political project to re-establish the conditions of capital accumulation.” Neoliberalism, according to Scoular, is the main idea behind a ‘qualified’ life in Agamben terms. She notes, “modern law operates to regulate the complete lives of individuals,” and thus the law influences social norms. For instance, prostitutes are marginalized due to social stigma. The stigma, as Davey and Kissil mention, is the result of laws that criminalize prostitutes. Prostitutes are criminalized because the state feels they pose a threat to their ideals. For instance, the Contagious Diseases Acts in the late 19th century are said to criminalize prostitutes for their alleged danger to public health. Medical discourses and sciences were used to justify penalizing ‘unregulated’ persons, but in reality it was a moral panic over ‘unregulated’ sexuality. Controlled sexuality was crucial to the Modern nation-state agenda. Thus, prostitutes can only be ‘qualified’ if they satisfy the needs of neoliberal ideals, such as self-regulating themselves in a manner which results capital accumulation. The law is a way of expressing state power in an indirect way, as it influences norms, and thus influences people to maintain neoliberal interests. I will discuss how neoliberal interests are maintained through prostitution laws, but first I will discuss feminism as theory, since certain feminist have a strong stance on prostitution laws.

Feminism consists of many differing outlooks, yet there are notions that all feminists agree upon. For instance, feminists agree that female voices need to be addressed and recognized in society. They also stand for female empowerment through gender equality, especially in a Modern context where women are found less in high status positions compared to men. Despite these agreed upon notions, feminists differ in other aspects. Postmodern feminists, for instance, contend that feminism has been dominated by white, middle-class women, and such women cannot represent the interests of women as a whole. The weakness in feminism is that there is a lack of consensus on a variety of topics. With regards to prostitution, there are oppositional feminist stances, which is highlighted by Maureen Davey and Karni Kissil in their analysis titled, “The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.” Yet these two feminist stances do not speak for all feminists, because many feminists may be open to other theories on prostitution.

Discussion

Abolish Prostitution? Regulate it?

Two popular feminist stances towards laws on prostitution are: abolishing prostitution or regulating it. Yet while both have different stances, they both have very limited outlooks. Feminists who seek to abolish prostitution are often termed as Radical Feminists. In their view, prostitutes are victims of male oppression. Their goal is to abolish prostitution, as they feel prostitution only serves to oppress women. An example of this stance is found in Sweden, where prostitution is illegal. However, punishment is only directed at clients, whereas sex workers, seen as victims, are guided by state into ‘exiting’ programs. On the other side, another group of feminists, which Davey and Kissil termed the ‘pro’ feminists, feel that prostitutes have the agency to make their own choices and thus the laws should give them legal rights. The ‘pro’ feminists are usually in favor of laws which prostitution is tolerated. Therefore, legalization assumes that prostitutes will be empowered because they have legal rights. Overall, both the ‘pro’ and radical feminists are not challenging hegemonic state power, but rather are staying within its power. They fail to address how prostitution laws are part of wider form of maintaining state interests. In this view, the two feminist stances in the prostitution debate are problematic, because they are trying to represent the voices of all women. But as Kissil and Davey note, the two feminist stances have seldom consulted with the voices and desires of the prostitutes themselves. The lack of acknowledging the voices of prostitutes is apparent when given the implications of these feminist solutions to prostitution.

massage parlor

Prostitution laws, whether tolerant or against prostitution, results in more disadvantage than advantage for prostitutes. This is rather ironic, since feminist backed prostitution laws are usually aimed at protecting sex workers. For example, in Sweden, prostitutes are only protected from the law so long they adhere to ‘exiting’ programs, which are programs that aid prostitutes to exit the sex industry and integrate in mainstream society. This idea of exiting assumes that all prostitutes have the same desires, and thus all can be controlled. Therefore, prostitutes who don’t exit are deemed as criminals. As Scoular notes, “Criminalization in Sweden resulted in more risky situations for sex workers, where they have less choice of clients, quicker transactions, drop in prices and greater stress” (20). She further notes, “The Swedish Model just got rid of ‘visible’ street workers, while it created ‘invisible’ sex workers in off-street work” (20). Therefore, individuals who remain prostitutes in Sweden become excluded, because society has made no place for them. What is also interesting is how radical feminists aim at the criminalization of men over women, where men become targeted as clients. This actually doesn’t result in gender equality, but rather it shifts the stigma of prostitutes over to men.

Canadian examples illustrate the implications of prostitution laws where prostitution is tolerated. In Canada, the exchange of sex for money is legal, yet other laws make it difficult for prostitutes to conduct their services legally. Tamara O’Doherty (2011) notes that Canadian prostitution laws “ensure prostitution remains firmly entrenched in illicit markets by requiring sex workers to offend the criminal laws in order to work in safety (indoor venues)” (219). She further notes how Section 213 of the Canadian criminal code states that public communication for the purpose of prostitution is criminally prohibited. To illustrate this: brothels cannot legally label themselves as spaces for prostitution. Instead, they have to label themselves as non-sex related businesses, such as a massage parlor. Prostitutes themselves cannot be open about their services either; they cannot discuss with clients beforehand about their services. At the same time, Section 211 makes it illegal to use a place on a regular basis for prostitution, so therefore the massage parlor must ensure they deny sex is going on. According to O’Doherty, this ‘quasi-legal’ atmosphere places sex workers in more vulnerable positions, where they less prone to working in safe places. Given that the two feminist stances both have mainly negative implications for the lives of prostitutes, it seems that laws are not empowering their intended subjects. But rather, it’s pushing the majority of prostitutes to the ‘bare life.’

Since laws do not benefit most prostitutes, then the obvious question is: who benefits from the prostitution law? The State benefits as the laws ensure that their neoliberal interests are not challenged. In Sweden, exiting programs help prostitutes find ‘normal’ jobs, which they will become ‘qualified’ taxpayers, and thus assimilating with the hegemonic ideals and aiding the state power. In some Canadian provinces, for instance, local municipal laws require that massage parlors obtain expensive licenses to operate. As well, Edmonton sex workers are required by local municipal law to obtain licenses for each place they work. The act of licensing is a way of commercializing the sex industry, which means the state profits off licenses. It also is way of controlling and monitoring prostitutes. Therefore, those who participate in licensing are included in society, as they are doing what the state wants. However, not all prostitutes want or are in the position to reveal their identities. For instance, an illegal immigrant is automatically excluded from having ‘qualified life,’ because they are invisible to state recognition. And while legalization is argued to protect some prostitutes, others have argued that increased regulation means increased policing and monitoring over the lives of women. Further, many academics agree that prostitution laws do not reverse the negative impact of social stigma, which stigma causes psychological trauma for many prostitutes.  Therefore, many prostitutes are excluded and marginalized for failing to adhere to state interests. Sadly, marginalized groups are part of sustaining the capitalism. Therefore, the Radical and ‘pro’ feminists are contradicting themselves, because they are supporting a system of inequality, where only a minority of ‘qualified’ prostitutes are included in society. Such groups should not even be called feminist, because feminism is supposed to be about gender equality.

Feminism in current times, influenced by Postmodernism, emphasizes the diversity of female experiences, yet the ‘pro’ and radical feminist views on prostitution ignore an open, multi-theoretical approach. It is no wonder that these feminist stances on prostitution laws have had problematic results for prostitutes themselves. Given that prostitution laws have not benefited the fate of most sex workers it becomes obvious that laws are more concerned with sustaining state power and interests. However, the complexity involved in prostitution makes it difficult to find an alternative law that will satisfy the needs of everyone. Yet the question remains: can law be more inclusive of all members of society when considering how law is a tool of marginalizing certain people? So while the framework of biopower helps us understand prostitution laws it doesn’t really give us a solution to challenge the hegemonic power.  Many aspects of people’s lives are orientated toward neoliberal interests in most advanced capitalist nation-states. Therefore, it is difficult to challenge the power of state when the populations are compliant with the law. However, as an anthropologist it is the task to be critical and to educate others about making the familiar seem strange, whilst making the strange seem more familiar. As a postmodern feminist, it is important to be open to the ideas and theories of others. Rather than continue to marginalize others, one needs to think of ways that society can be more inclusive of so-called deviant groups.

Partial References:

Davey, Maureen & Kissil, Karni. (2010). The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.Journal of Feminist Family Therapy 22 (1), 1-21.

Farquhar Judith & Zhang Qicheng. (2005). Biopolitical Beijing: Pleasure, Sovereigntly, and Self-Cultivation in China’s Capital. Cultural Anthropology 20(3), 303-327.

Harley, David. (2005). Freedom is just another word. A Brief History of Neo-Liberalism. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

O’Doherty, Tamara. (2011). Criminalization and Off-Street Sex Work in Canada. Canadian Journal of Criminology and Criminal Justice, 217-245.

Schoular, Jane. (2010). What’s Law Got to do with It? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work. Journal of Law and Society 37 (1), 12-39.

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Facts About the Sex Industry, The Escorting Business

Your Questions, My Answers #4 – The Sex Industry and Human Sexuality

I love checking my stats for this blog and seeing the numerous search engine terms. It gives an idea of what people think about prostitutes. One thing that pops up very often is the question: do prostitutes get pleasure? I answered that question in previous posts. But I should restate it: we have sex with clients for money, not out of pleasure (even though some of us enjoy some clients). The other common misconception is that many people assume a whore (a woman who loves sex) is synonymous with a prostitute (a woman who has sex for money). Ahh…it is interesting how we live in a world that’s obsessed with sex, yet is still so confined to norms and social attitudes. Why is it such an issue? Well, human sexuality was made political (causing a moral panic) since the 19th century in the Modern context. Why? Sexuality is associated with reproduction. What is the most important thing to national leaders? To reproduce their society, so they can gain dominance in this competitive (poisoned), capitalistic world. Anyway, I won’t get in to that now….

 

Your Question: Should I get a female prostitute for my wife?

If its her idea, sure. Be sure to find a quality and genuinely sensual private escort (finding an escort who is genuinely in tune with her sexual desires — such as being intimate with other women — is not easy). Bare in mind, many escorts are willing to do ‘girl-on-girl’ for the money, but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve witness ‘girl-on-girl’ appointments where the experience was completely mechanical and fake. I’ve always fantasized to have a beautiful, wholesome woman to be my client. Or vice versa: I have the fantasy of being a patron for a beautiful, wholesome courtesan. But it’s just not common having a beautiful woman seek an escort (unless, in rare cases, she’s with her male partner).

Once I saw a couple. It was the woman who wanted to live out this fantasy. It was a very great experience. The woman was not particularly my type, but regardless she was lovely. I cannot explain the intensity of touching and caressing a woman while a man is getting so turned on by the very sight. Both a man and woman’s body is interesting for me, so I didn’t mind exploring a woman who wasn’t exactly my ideal. She made me cum, while her lover watched. It made me wonder if such openness between couples is a truly a good thing?

While some fantasies sound good in theory, are they good in reality? I used to tell my ex about my threesome fantasies. He loved when we talked about it, but he said that he would never do it. Why not? He said it wasn’t healthy for a relationship. His argument was this: if we do it once, then what if one of us has uncontrollable urges to do it again and again? I embrace being open in a relationship, but sometimes having no limits can cause havoc.

 

Your Question: As an Escort, How Much Should I Charge clients?

Basic economics 101: It’s the law of supply and demand, which varies from city to city. For instance, there are an abundance of ‘inexpensive’ women available in my locale. More women = lower prices. Less women = higher prices.  Dave Chapelle made a hilarious joke related to this, “If Pussy was a stock, then we’ve flooded the market! Women are giving it away too easy.

My price is in the higher-end range for my city, which also means I limit my clientele (since many men cannot afford my rate/rather restrictive rules). I adjust my rate depending on which city I am in. When I worked overseas the particular city was wealthier and therefore I could increase my price. There is a demand for ‘high-quality’, safe escorts for a more discerning clientele, but these type of women are a minority in the sex industry.

I must also note that not every girl can successfully charge high rates. Men have certain expectations with women who charge higher-than-average rates. For one, an expensive escort is expected to be exceptional in some way, whether it’s beauty, intellectual or sensuality (or perhaps the entire combination). Although part-time, I consider myself a very skilled courtesan. Over the years, I learned how to cater to the needs of a client and how to act like the companion that he desires. If a woman does not satisfy the expectations associated with her price, then she will not have repeat clients. She must be ‘worth it’, but again, one’s worth is also a perception.

 

Your Question: What do Girls do after Appointments?

We eat! I don’t know what it is about sex, but hunger and thirst follows afterwards. It’s a universal among escorts that we love eating (especially when we work in a brothel establishment together). We order food in abundance. Sometimes we make our clients wait so we can eat some chocolate or delicious delicacies. To be quite honest, I miss the ‘in between time’ when working at a brothel. The ‘in between time’ is when girls have a break in between seeing clients. We sit together, a group of girls (hopefully a good group — because escorts are infamous for their cattiness towards each other), we order food, some smoke cigarettes, we tease and laugh about our clients, and we discuss the most vulgar subjects. Many times the night turned into an all-girl party; we all made money, celebrated and laughed until it hurts. As an independent, I don’t get to experience any of that ‘female bonding’ anymore (which is also a good thing….escorts can be terrible influences on each other).

The ‘good’ girls never last long at brothels…they eventually move on to something or somewhere else. There used to be a good group of escort girls that I knew when I worked overseas. These girls made going to work fun. They were girls with other goals besides sex-work. Eventually the group disintegrated and we went our separate ways. It was during these female ‘in-between’ bonding times that I got to observe a lot of behaviors/realities/circumstances for women who are in the sex industry. Yet for the short time we shared together, we gave each other support.

 

Your Question: How to “fuck prostitutes and not get caught by wife?”

This mentality makes me cringe sometimes. I understand social pressures and not wanting to break-up the family, but the sneakiness of infidelity is alarming. The only infidelity that I don’t really condemn is with men who’ve been married for a lengthy time, and their wives (due to old age, disability, no interest, etc) do not have sex anymore.  But I do not feel sympathy for younger men, especially newly married men, who cheat on their wives just for the sake of ‘variety.’ If variety is what you desire, then opt for an open relationship or don’t get into a relationship with someone who expects monogamy. If only there was more openness in relations.

Once, I met a great client who was in an open relationship (his wife knew he was seeing me). They were a loving couple with children. They were educated and realistic about their needs. They had a private, semi-open relationship, complete with set boundaries. Both were permitted to see other people within reason, but the main restriction was: no sex with others. And that man, as a client, was utmost respectful of his wife’s restrictions and remained disciplined. Their relationship made me more warm towards the idea of an open-relationship (something I haven’t tried …it’s always been one-sided, in my favor).

Sadly, many men do go to lengths to hide their sexual affairs. They get private mobile phones, they slip away for an hour or so, and even bring their own soap. One of my married clients brings his own body-wash, because he worries that my ‘girly-scented’ soaps will make his wife suspicious.

 

Your Question: Why would an Escort want to stop seeing a client?

Well, as mentioned, some men develop strong feelings for us (which can make us uncomfortable). It’s problematic when the love is one sided (he falls in love, and we just liked him as a client only). Love is an irreversible thing…I can’t just tell a man to ‘stop loving me’ and he will switch his emotions off. Sometimes these men can also interfere with our personal lives, which gets overbearing. When I was overseas, I had a devoted client who fell in love with me, and we became quite close. However, I only just saw him as a favorable regular client of mine. He became obsessive, and I had to end it. (I will talk about him in a future post). There are also issues of morality. In rare cases, it is the escort who truly likes a client, and thus she might feel uncomfortable to continue seeing him as a client (but in most cases, it’s usually the first scenario mentioned above).

It might be shocking to know that I, as a sex worker, have my own morals. Sometimes clients are too candid about their personal lives. They openly tell me they are married or attached, or they have children, or their life stories, etc. In my brothel days, one particular client told me too many personal details about his life, and as a result I rejected him. Why? He was a very sweet man, but his life circumstances conflicted with my morals. When I first met him, his wife (as he told me) was heavily pregnant with their second child. He said he was working two jobs to make a good life for his family. He claimed his wife being pregnant as an excuse for no intimacy between them. He also stated how he loved his wife dearly. Yet ironically, he was spending a large sum of money (for him) to spend time with me. I couldn’t justify it. He wasn’t financially well off, and the money he used to pay for me could be put to better use (he could use that much-needed money for his family). For this reason, I advised him to stop seeing me. I told him to go home to his pregnant wife, and give her comfort, do something special for her , but don’t spend hundreds of dollars (that you really cannot afford) for spending one hour admiring an escort. It amazes me how far men will go just to have sex and be with a woman!

Did he listen? No, of course not. Men love women who are ‘unavailable.’ According to him, I was special. I was the only girl he saw. For him, he felt I was ‘worth it.’ But I felt guilty taking money that could be used for someone (his wife and child) who needed it more. So, I told him, once again, to stop seeing me. That was the last time, and soon after I stopped working in that particular establishment. Apparently, he still calls the establishment looking for me

 

Your Question: How to Make Clients Spend Money on You?

The only thing I can say is be yourself. Don’t be greedy, be thankful. I am an honest escort. I have been in many situations where I could ‘exploit’ the situation of my clients for gain. I know how to do it, but it goes against my personal ethics. I am a woman who has a heart, and therefore I cannot hurt people intentionally. I see the merit in honesty.

But! Unfortunately, not all escorts (or women, people for that matter) have honest intentions! I’ve seen plenty of women (working and non-working) who can lie, use and manipulate good people for their own selfishness.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in the past and hurt decent people. But it hurt me also.

If you are an escort looking for cheap and easy ways to “scam” a man…you are reading the wrong blog. It is an unfortunate truth that many women in the industry are not honest, and do give the honest ones a bad reputation.

 

Your Question: Do Escorts ever Fall in Love with One Man?

Why not? Escorts are human. Why do people assume that an escorts needs/desires are any different than a non-escort? Like any individual, an escort her own unique preferences. Ironically, despite the fact that most escorts defy social norms, I’ve observed many escort women who desire heteronormative relationships in their personal lives (ie: monogamy and marriage).

Personally, I can be loyal to my love, but I don’t know if I could be monogamous, however.

 

Your Question: Does Escort Work Ruin Her Sex Life? (Does Prostitution Ruin our Personal Sex Lives?)

It’s a logical question. One would think that having too much sex would be physically draining (especially because society assumes that women are hardly horny). I’m sure this is the case for some women, because too many women are still shy or unaware of their erotic capabilities. But personally, sex work intensified my desires. Sometimes, seeing clients is like a big tease (a build up), and makes me crave my personal lovers. In fact, I attribute that being with multiple clients taught me so many great things about intimacy. My experience with countless clients made me a better, more enthusiastic lover in my personal life. In this blog I focus on the implications of escorting, which are solely negative. But I have to say being a prostitute gave me access to some sexually-talented men, and contributed to me being in tuned with my body and thus experiencing an amazing personal sex life. Something about being a courtesan makes me feel sexually assertive, and enhanced my dominance persona with men. Perhaps this reason could explain why most clients are concerned with making sure I get pleasure.

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Filed under Bisexual, Facts About the Sex Industry, Questions for Escorts And Clients, Sex, The Escorting Business

Answering Your Questions #3: Client and Escort Dynamics

I’m on a minor path of self-destruction…but I’ll explain that later. For now, I’ve decided to answer some of the numerous questions or key-words that my viewer’s google to locate my blog. Yet before I begin, I want to share some metaphors from an old film about the life of a high-class courtesan, “Pakeezah” (which translates to ‘pure heart’). In reference to herself, the courtesan says, “Prostitutes are dead bodies and the market is the graveyard…. I’m a dead body that’s lured by life again and again.” She then compared herself to a kite, a kite that is slowly cut away by the forces of wind…where only bits and fragments remain. The pain of her words….they touch me, intimately.

 

1. Do prostitutes like sex or money?

Money drives us to this job. As mentioned in previous posts, prostitutes should not be assumed to be a woman who loves sex. And if she does love sex, this does not imply that she loves sex with all of her clients. Many escorts do not derive any personal sexual pleasure at all with clients. Only a very tiny minority of escorts, like myself, enjoy intimacy with their clients. But overall, for prostitutes, the lure of money is the appealing part of our work, not the sex. It is very important to note selling one’s body was not a ‘choice’ for most sex workers, when considering the limited amounts of choice available to people in marginalized positions.

For many sex workers, sex is the dreadful part (not in my case, but most escorts I observed aren’t quite as open sexually as I am). Many just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. A small minority of girls can enjoy particular clients and feel pleasure (as a courtesan, I do enjoy certain clients of mine as companions and sexual partners), yet again: the focus is money. I certainly have enjoyed some clients, but regardless I will not sleep/mingle with a man that I don’t love for free. The idea that prostitutes are these horny, ‘hyper-sexual’ women hardly depicts the reality. I wish more prostitutes enjoyed their work as I am often able to do, but the reality is most women doing this job are driven by real or perceived economic disparity. Women who are in touch with their sexuality (ie: horny) exist regardless of profession.

 

2. What information should an escort obtain from her client?

Just like us, most clients want to be discreet. They might use fake names, because they are married and don’t want to risk their identity being known. Anonymity is central to the business for both escorts and clients. Asking too much personal information may defer clientele, while others are happily to disclose their life biographies. I screen my clients by judging their telephone/email etiquette — I ask them to briefly tell me about their age, nationality, what intentions they for me, etc.

 

3. Why don’t escorts like to tell their real name?

We fear of associating our identity with our profession. Why? This might impact our social mobility, social relationships (such as their family and friends finding out). Prostitution, whether legal or illegal, is still stigmatized. Society has harsh, negative consequences for women who are known to be prostitutes, so we are forced to remain secretive (otherwise we risk a lot of negative social sanctions).

 

4. How to Please a Prostitute/ How to have Good Sex with an Escort?

Well, in a bitter way, I could say: don’t be demanding, and don’t annoy her. Many girls complain about clients who don’t follow our ‘rules’ (or limits), such as touching places without permission. Pleasure is a very subjective question. Giving pleasure to a ‘normal’ woman is very different than a woman who is paid for sex. And to complicate the situation even more, everyone’s desires are different. A woman who gets paid for sex may not want to be ‘pleased’ by her client. Some girls strictly just want money from their client, and refuse to get sexual pleasure (and the good ones fake it). However, a small minority of us might be more accepting. The best clients are men who do not expect and are respectful.

Many of my clients are very polite and respectful men, which makes me feel comfortable to explore with them. I favor certain clients who have genuinely kind hearts, and I allow them to please me in ways that I may forbid others. I favor certain clients only because they gained my trust. I must mention that almost all clients try to give me pleasure, but certain men fail to understand the essence of pleasure. For one, some men seem to think that one sexual technique can apply to all women. This is completely wrong. Any sexual experience is very unique and cannot be performed in a uniform act. Bare in mind that all people have their own unique ways of reaching orgasm. And, unfortunately, there are women who are not interested in achieving their own orgasm . Most importantly, good sex depends on emotional and physical chemistry between the participants — chemistry is something that cannot be bought or created…it’s a rare beauty that just happens between two people. It’s best to test areas, slowly (with a willing partner, of course), and then gradually proceed.

If I must advise a client on ‘how to have a better experience with an escort’ I would suggest the following techniques clients have done with me: start by giving her a relaxing massage. I recall clients who gave me a full body massage, without touching my erogenous regions right away. Not only will it relax a woman, but it can gain her trust of his touch. Let everything occur slowly, so that she can anticipated every progression of passion. The slow-pace seduction will drive her crazy, and thus (hopefully) have her wanting more. Some of my clients were totally selfless…not tending to their sexual needs, but instead focusing on making me feel relaxed (again, it’s important not to rush!). A good lover will explore what she likes, by gently trying to kiss various parts of her body. Let her guide you to what she likes. This worked with me with certain clients, but again, it was all based on chemistry. Be mindful that desires of an individual can also change depending on their mood.

Chemistry is key, but also the mood of the hired lady is a deal-breaker. I do let sweet clients give me pleasure when I’m in the ‘mood,’ yet sometimes I loathe the idea. Although most of my clients are kind, I am not genuinely attracted to all of them. Sometimes I avoid seeing certain clients, because I know they want to spend the entire appointment in a  “Girlfriend Experience” state. This consists a romantic ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ situation where the client wants to kiss, cuddle, give me pleasure, and have sex at the very end of the appointment. The men are very sweet, which seems ideal, but it can be exhausting acting like a ‘girlfriend’ to a man I don’t love/care about. Most of my regular clients are all pleasure giving men, which means I try to avoid seeing them when my mood is bad. It’s even more difficult to see clients when I’m in love with someone else. When I am single, I find it much easier to work and enjoy clients.

 

5. How to Make Clients/Men Love You (As an Escort)?

There are no uniform steps to make a client love you — it just happens naturally. From my observations, investing in ‘fake’ behavior doesn’t reap benefits, nor does it attract wholesome people. Be yourself. Love is something we cannot plan or predict. It just happens. I’ve tried experiments of altering my behavior with clients (from acting overly slutty to acting innocent). I found that being as I am works best. I’ve tried to analyze the men who love me: why do they love me? They love me because I was ‘real’ with them. The trend I noticed is men who loved me are ones I didn’t care to impress. I acted indifferent with them upon initial meetings….and genuinely had little interest in being with them. Maybe my independence is appealing for some men, …they find it challenging that I, seemingly, don’t need them.

I could advise women to be manicured, polished and glamourous to make clients love them, but I’ve seen very unpolished girls with plenty of admirers. I no longer believe that investing heavily into cosmetic/external beauty will equate to admirers (sure, exterior beauty might attract men, but that alone wont make them kneel at your feet).

 

6. What is the Difference between an Escort and High-class Escort?

There is no real difference. The only difference is the marketing and approaching various scales of clientele. One girl can be playing two roles: a regular escort, which means more clients, lower price; Or a high-class ‘exclusive’ escort, which means higher priced and limited clientele. Yet at the end of the day, a regular and exclusive escort are the same thing. Service, intimacy and beauty are subjective irrespective of whether an escort is ‘high-class’ or not. I’ve seen stunning women who work for two different agencies….one that’s exclusive and very expensive, and another that’s medium price range with more clientele. There is not a rigid boundary, as many ‘regular’ escorts can eventually establish themselves as courtesans with a more limited clientele. And vice versa, a courtesan is also susceptible to falling down the prostitute social hierarchy.

 

7. Do ‘hookers’ love having sex on drugs ?

I found this question quite strange. That’s a terribly wrong analysis. Firstly, women who work while on drugs  usually hate sex more than other sex workers. They are taking drugs to cope with the fact they hate servicing men. Even high-class escorts will resort to ‘numbing’ with subsistence’s in order to make money and ignore their hatred of servicing men.

 

8. What’s it like to be an escort?

(Please check my blog later, as I am writing a post on my personal ‘lifestyle’ as an escort).

 

9. What are Reasons (for men) visiting prostitutes?

A lot of my married clients have a similar reasoning for seeing me: they say they love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex. Or men claim they like variety. Due to social expectations, many men marry one woman as a foundation for family, but does it mean they limit the number of ‘unofficial’ women for their sexual purposes? Does marriage always translate into good sex? Some men openly say they desire ‘variety’ for sex, while others contend that it’s the fault of the wife. This is something I hear time and time again: Wives stop having sex, and assume that their husband should not have sex either. There are a multitude of reasons. Some men don’t just need sex, they want pleasurable sex, sex with emotion and a deep connection. Perhaps some men are unable to express their desires with others, so they hope to find sensual solace with a prostitute.

There are also other married men who get lots of sex from their wives (even good sex), but they like something ‘different.’ Perhaps they need to prove to themselves that they still have the power to be appealing? Perhaps their egos need a little inflating? Many academics argue that the Western construction of ‘Masculinity’ influences men to prove their so-called ‘manhood’ by sleeping with multiple women (as if women are to be conquered). It’s not so much out of their personal desire solely, but rather societal norms for ‘being a man’ indoctrinate some men to prove themselves as ‘manly.’ So, just in case you’re one of those women whom tell men to ‘act like a man’…you are influencing the discourse of men to behave in a ‘Masculine’ construct, thus aiding the gender binary construct. Constructions of identity are very powerful, as they create a so-called ideal. The current constructions of masculinity and femininity in a Western context are very harming, as they serve an elite status quo rather than a collectivist effort.

In some historical contexts, men resorted to ‘comfort women’ in scenarios where ‘proper’ women did not exist, such as situations of war and colonization (which still occurs today).

Some Single/bachelor clients have told me that sex with an escort is better and easier than trying to find it ‘for free’ at nightclubs. It’s easy for a man to pay a woman for sex rather than the effort of convincing a ‘normal woman’ to have sex with no-strings-attached.

As for another calibre of clients: some single clients are truly lonely, and have little interaction with women. They do not seek a prostitute for sex necessarily, but rather they desire intimate companionship with a woman. These are the type of men who need to be hugged, and cuddled, and in these instances I like to think of myself as a healer. Yet in reality I am not helping their situation, because they are seeking love while I am seeking money. I feel compelled to tell these lost souls that they are looking for love in the wrong places.

 

10. What are Some Tips to Stay Positive while being an Escort?

My only suggestion is to work as LESS as possible. Do not work everyday! Try to work once a week, or even less. The industry is very exhausting (emotionally), especially if that is your sole profession. Since I am in a committed arrangement (with the Sheik), I don’t really have to work. Thankfully. Lately, I work only once a week, or sometimes even less (sometimes I don’t work for months.) Yet even working minimally I am still affected by the ills of living a secret, socially condemned life. Having sex for money is not a problem, but being a prostitute is difficult because of the implications in modern society (stigma, criminalization, being deprived of the ‘privileges’ associated with heteronormativity). For years I tried  to make the job easier for myself. I told myself I wouldn’t let the work affect my emotions, or touch my soul. But it’s not easy all the time.  I work less, so I can stabilize my emotions and do happy things, such as being with people I love. One can simply not block out emotions without using something, usually intoxicants, to distract them from reality. Nobody, regardless of their profession, can constantly remain happy….life is about happiness and sadness. We must experience these emotions, so we can (hopefully) reflect on our lives.

 

11. Do prostitutes remember their strangest clients ?

Yes! How can I forget the men who licked my underarms; or the man who booked me for 8 hours just to worship/lick my feet, hands, and bottom for the entire 8 hours without any sex; ….or the guy who used to pay to massage me the entire appointment and never even take off his clothes.

When a group of escorts come together we do discuss the ‘strange’ and ‘weird’ clients — which can often be quite funny. A lot of girls like to laugh about the ‘fetish’ clients they had, such as, “The foot guy,” “The bottom licker,” etc. For the most part, I don’t mind men with ‘strange’ fetishes, and I try to understand their unconventional fixations. It’s tragic that certain sexual acts are even referred to as ‘strange,’ which indirectly says that some sexual acts are more performed than others. In sex, there should be variety of desired acts, so nothing should be considered ‘strange.’ Personally, I enjoy men who have ‘fetishes.’ After all, being too ‘vanilla’ gets quite boring.

 

12. How Much Money Do Escorts Make?

It really depends on the girl. Essentially, when one has the ability to manipulate and numb/ignore emotions the amount of money is limitless. Unfortunately, as humans it’s very difficult to ignore our emotions all the time. The two factors that lead to money are: charm (in the form of personality, beauty, and skills) and secondly, emotional sensitivity. I  consider myself quite charming in the sense I am skilled, beautiful and have a dynamic personality, yet I am very emotionally sensitive. Therefore, I don’t work often because I find too many clients stressful and overwhelming. The clients are lovely often, but putting on a facade and being affectionate to someone I don’t love is quite, surprisingly, exhausting for me. I have never worked full-time as an escort, because I need other things to do in life. I am motivated to make money for saving, paying bills, and doing some shopping, but I do not seek more. In the past, I made more money when my needs were greater, but I also spent it lavishly since my lifestyle was different than it is today.  If I wanted, I could work harder and see more clients, but a full-time lifestyle as an escort seems like suicide to me. Balance is key.

 

13. What if a Prostitute sees a Client in Public (outside her work) ?

This has happened to me numerous times. I used to have a huge social phobia about running into clients outside of work. I feared, because clients may approach me, or call me by my alias. And my fears were confirmed when prior clients of mine have approached me in public! I even saw a client while I was shopping with my Mother…it was extremely nerve-racking. I don’t want my clients to know the ‘real’ me that exists in day-to-day life. I just want to remain their fantasy, and nothing else. I had another client shopping with his wife and kids. He saw me looking totally different, wearing no makeup. He came back to see me, and said he was so excited to see me while he was with his wife. This is another reasons why I don’t want to meet too many new clients — I don’t want to be known. Clients represent a separate world that I don’t want to mix with my personal life.

 

14. Is it Unhealthy to Sleep with an Escort? Is it safe to have sex with a Prostitute?

All escorts use PROTECTION with their clients. Some girls will do more than others when seduced by money, but for sex we all use condoms. Only an insane/desperate woman would have sex without a condom; and equally only an insane man would sleep with an escort without a condom. It’s absolutely unheard of high-class escorts having unprotected sex with their clients. However, if a client and an escort become more intimate and personal, the dynamics can change. Some of my regular clients, whom I’ve known for years, have asked if we can try without a condom. They trust me, I suppose. But I decline, and say no. Overall, most escorts are extremely health conscious. However, risks of STI’s can be contracted from non-penetrative acts as well.

The women who take more risks are doing it to meet the demands of clients — because for many clients oral-sex with condoms and no kissing is quite boring. Sadly, some escorts perform the highly sought ‘bare-back blow-job’ (fellatio without a condom) to get more clients. What these women don’t realize is that they are getting short term gain (money) for long-term risk (diseases). As for the bulk of escorts, we take minimal risks: we use a condom for sex and oral sex. Therefore, it is no more/less unhealthy to sleep with an escort if she uses protection during all sex acts.

Given there is minimal skin-to-skin contact, sleeping with a high-class escort can be a bit “unfulfilling” from a client’s perspective. I use the word “unfulfilling” because sex with a prostitute is often physical without true intimacy. Amazing sex is based on mind and body stimulation. Thus, sex between a client/prostitute lacks the essential stimulation of the mind. After all, how exhilarating and delicious can sex be without deep kissing, touching, sucking, and tasting ?  Those ‘delicious’ acts are risky with clients, yet many clients demand this. They want the closest to ‘real’ sex as possible. They want their escort to act like their girlfriend: they want to eat her pussy, kiss her lips, and feel her mouth over his manhood. There is tremendous pressure for escorts to go beyond safe limits to make her clients happy. Many clients prefer cheaper women, because it is assumed that cheaper women do ‘more’ for ‘less’ (thus, the risk is increased). These men miss the essence of pleasurable sex, because pleasure is based on connection (not how much or how little one is willing to do). There are also very high priced escorts who ‘do it all’ to a more limited clientele. This places tremendous pressure on women in the industry: how easy is it for a woman to maintain her safety, comfortability and be successful?

 

15: Do prostitutes have rules / restrictions?

Yes, clients play by our rules, not theirs. Yet there is an irony to that statement. Most escorts promote themselves as women who “Cater to the Clients Needs,” but in reality we set the boundaries and limits. Every girl is unique to what she offers in terms of her services. We all offer sex, but we do it in different ways. For instance, limits/restrictions might include: no kissing or light kissing only, clients can release multiple times or maybe only once, no oral sex without a condom, no receiving of oral sex, no touching between her legs, etc. My restrictions are that everything is ‘covered,’ which means I take no risks. I do not passionately kiss clients easily, but I must admit that I’ve given up many limitations with the occasional handsome, delicious client — or favoured regulars. For instance, when I met the Sheik, as a client, we ended up kissing passionately — of course, our chemistry was rare and intense.

As mention, a majority of clients demand riskier services (oral sex without protection, ‘greek,’ etc), so unfortunately a lot of escorts will jeopardize their health to make more money. I feel disgusted when a prospective client, who’s never met me yet, will ask if perform ‘natural French’ which is a oral sex without a condom. How can he take such a risk with a woman whose history is unknown? Likewise, most clients request to service me between my legs with their mouths, which seems flattering, but I can’t help but wonder: don’t clients think of how many other men have touched my body?  How can he be sure that I am ‘clean?’ What I realized is that many men get aroused by the idea of a ‘dirty’ woman. By no means am I ‘dirty,’ but I have slept with countless men….and that fact alone is a fantasy for some men.

Sex workers might advertise ‘passionate’ services or ‘porn-star’ services to attract a more clientele, but the reality is we cannot perform uniform techniques with every single client we encounter. Human sexuality is not uniform, and attempting uniformity is a bad way at approaching others. Sure, we have restrictions, but they are deeply influenced by the chemistry we develop with clients. To expect a sex worker to give a stellar performance with every client is a very unrealistic, dehumanizing expectation.

Finally, a rare breed of clients have their own terms in addition to hers. For instance, a rare category of clients do not seek sexual intercourse with escorts — instead they may just seek oral or hand release, or perhaps they just want to play with themselves in the company of a beautiful woman. There may be norms and patterns in sexual behaviour, but every experience is still unique.

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Facts About the Sex Industry, High-class prostitution, Questions for Escorts And Clients, The Escorting Business

The Myth of a “Loose” Woman

Well, what is the term loose? Webster dictionary defines loose as: not tight-fitting; not dense, close, or compact in structure or arrangement; lacking moral restraint (unchaste), etc.

Thanks to the diffusion of oppressive Victorian notions of sexuality, many societies today view prostitutes and women with multiple sex partners as  “loose” women. “Loose” in this context has a negative meaning. It signifies that a woman is morally de-valued, because of her ‘loose’ morals and ‘loose’ vagina. The misconception is that her vagina is less tight because she has frequent sex — and in this narrow mentality, a woman’s sexuality supposedly determines her inner qualities. Of course, this concept of being ‘loose’ has no validity at all, but rather is the outcome of hegemonic discourses aiming at maintaining gender inequality. These stereotypes of “loose” women are constructions that serve a political agenda — in this discourse, a woman’s sexuality is a threat to the institutionalized norms of patriarchy. But in reality, a woman’s vagina size does not get bigger as a result of frequent sex with multiple men. The only way a woman’s vaginal canal size increases is, perhaps, by delivering a child vaginally.

When I first entered the sex industry, I thought frequent sex with random men would damage my sexual organs. Essentially, I thought I would become ‘loose.’ This really worried me, until I realized my assumption was incorrect. In fact, exploring my sexuality made me physically ‘tensed’ by way of orgasm. My job as a prostitute exposes me to multiple men, and this variety allows me to explore a diversity of sexuality with some talented men. These talented men made me orgasm in various ways. An orgasm requires contraction of kegal muscles, which can make the vagina more tense (tight). My ex, for instance, always made me orgasm, multiple times. I could have sex with him after seeing multiple clients; rather than being ‘loose,’ having lots of sex actually made me physically tensed, or tightened. An orgasmic vagina usually tightens, especially during climax.

I should also define the main two types of sex that women encounter: sex based on equality (where her orgasm is equally essential for pleasure as his), and unequal sex (the kind of sex that is akin to most porn, where the woman does not actually orgasm). A woman who orgasms often, and knows her body well, has sex for her own pleasure. She cannot be satisfied without an orgasm. On the other hand, there are women who have sex without even knowing about their own body or it’s pleasure potential. To compound further, these women may have a partner who also has no idea (nor interest) about the female orgasm.  A woman who doesn’t orgasm isn’t strengthening her muscles the way an orgasmic woman does. So while a sexually passive woman may not be “loose,” she doesn’t become ‘tensed’ when excited as she has not made much use of her vaginal muscles. A lot of men and women don’t realize this — so calling a woman ‘loose’ for having too much sex is actually incorrect. In fact, men who have experience with orgasmic women are well aware of this beauty — a woman who orgasms makes the sex extremely euphoric, passionate and addicting.

My theory is that women who have frequent orgasms through sexual activities enable a ‘snugness,’ which is due to frequent use of kegal muscles. However, valuing a woman based on the ‘tightness’ of her vagina is very shallow. If one thinks good sex is based purely on physical components (ie: size of vagina), then they have a poor comprehension of what brings great sexual pleasure. If anything, people with overtly superficial expectations on others probably have the worst sex. Any wise person knows that physical components are only one fraction of numerous other inner qualities that contribute to beautiful pleasure. Sadly, there is a tragic abundance of ignorant people who believe physical shapes and sizes are essential to desire — without realizing, many people with narrow mentalities actually limit their access to true pleasure/intimacy. Women come in all different shapes and sizes, as do men. There is a “fit” for everyone, which is linked by chemistry more so than the physical aspect.


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Do Prostitutes Really Choose To Sell Themselves?



If a prostitute isn’t being forced to sell herself, then it’s easy to assume she chose to sell herself. Indeed, individualistic societies assume that people have the freedom of choice in life (neoliberalism, the dominant economic ideology, masks its exploitative agenda by using the notion of ‘freedom’). Thus, when someone makes a mistake, the individual is blamed for causing his or her mishap. In Sociological terms, one’s own assertion of power is referred to as agency. Most sociologists argue that one’s agency  is influenced by numerous societal factors/expectations. A prostitute choosing to sell herself is not solely her choice, but rather the outcome of her social circumstances.

Yet it is not surprising how people assume that ‘high-class’ prostitutes make the choice to sell themselves.  This mentality judges everything on the surface, but it fails at  discovering the experiences that preceded it. My ex, for instance, felt I had total agency (power) over my decisions. He didn’t realize I was severely addicted to selling myself, nor that my unique lifestyle had shaped me irreversibly. I didn’t realize it myself back then, as I thought the sex industry left me unscathed. Once the veil is stained.. the stain will remain forever.

At large, society ignores the factors that places stigmatized people in ‘dysfunctional,’ helpless positions. Did they choose to be neglected? Did they choose to be sexually or physically abused, or to have alcoholic parents? This mentality ignores the inequalities that exist in this ‘functional’ structure of society. How can we expect people with different experiences to all act, think and feel the same? It’s unrealistic.

I read a great article by an author named Nekome, read here , titled, How Prostitution Chose Me. The woman gives a great example of how her personal agency was limited by her personal experiences. She was lured to the sex industry. “When real alternatives do not exist, it looks like people are making bad choices. What are the basic rights that all women and children should have so that they never have to make the “choice” to prostitute?” Again, what are the alternatives for a woman who has sold herself? Even if she stops she will still be haunted by her addiction. As well, she has to conceal her past in public settings, and may believe she is a’ bad’ person for her past, which causes emotional distress. When someone is so emotionally damaged inside, is it easy for that person to integrate back into ‘normal’ society and pretend everything is ‘normal?’ Not at all.

Our life circumstances greatly influence our emotions, and thus emotions influence the choices we make. This assumption bothers me: “Why can’t prostitutes work NORMAL jobs and work HARD like the rest of people in society?” I got into prostitution because I couldn’t function in ‘normal’ workplaces. Prior to entering prostitution, I had extreme depression. I tried to work a normal job, but my emotional problems lead to social phobia and anxiety, and thus I could not commit to the linear schedule. Financial strains and pressures from family to succeed increased my depression. Prostitution lured me in, because I could work when I want (at my own leisure).

In my personal experience, it’s so hard to go back to a normal job. I have tried a few times to quit the sex industry and work at a normal job. The problem was not just the adjustment of making less money, but it was lack of commonality with ‘normal’ people. I had to hide everything, all of my personal experiences that defined me. I feared of being rejected or condemned. Often, I avoided making friendships because I hated pretending to be ‘normal.’ So, I ended up being introverted, and I would get depressed as a result. The depression affected my ability to show up at the job, and thus I lost motivation.  Then I reverted back into what I know best: selling myself. Prostitution allowed me to essentially survive while dealing with emotional issues. I could work when my mood was good, and of course retreat when I was feeling depressed. That was how I survived (on the surface).

Prostitutes become ‘poisoned’ once they know that plenty of men are willing to pay large amounts of money for sex. Now, it could be a positive thing, but sadly the modern sex industry is drowned in exploitation. My own experiences are blessed in comparison to the majority — most other escorts are doing this purely for money, and not deriving any pleasure. Thus, they become addicts, and the addiction dictates them. Now, for me, even though I can enjoy aspects, I still endure the pain of being condemned by wider society. It’s easy to assume that I, living in a ‘lavish’ lifestyle, feel content and complete. The reality is I often feel empty, lost and insignificant. It doesn’t help that I hide my emotional problems, and I portrayed myself as emotionally stable and confident. Once, I truly believed I was ‘normal’ too, but now I realize ‘normal’ women do not have the same experiences as I. In my own experience, I want to emphasize that having sex for money is not the problem, nor are clients the problem — rather, it’s the exploitative nature of state regulations and how that subsequently influences society to hate, degrade, silence and neglect prostitutes.

Another woman wrote her experience as being a high-class prostitute:For a great part of 1992 I lived in a beautiful apartment on Capitol Hill. I drove my expensive car. I bought lovely clothes and traveled extensively out of the country. For the first time in my 20 years as an adult woman, I paid my own way. There was no need to worry about affording my rent, my phone bill, all the debts one accumulates simply by living month to month. I felt invincible. And I was miserable to the core. I hated myself because I hated my life All the things I came to possess meant nothing. I could not face myself in the mirror. Working in prostitution lost my soul.Survivor interviewed by Debra Boyer, Lynn Chapman and Brent Marshall in Survival Sex in King County: Helping Women Out (1993), King County Women’s Advisory Board, Northwest Resource Associates, Seattle. (Taken from website: Here)

She depicts it well. ‘High-Class’ prostitutes are living a ‘lavish’ facade, but underneath there is a lot of pain (and if the pain isn’t shown, then it is likely being numbed). How can one explain that a woman, who essentially has ‘everything,’ can feel totally isolated and miserable?  But what is everything? These ideal values (materials, beauty, wealth, and power) promoted by Western societies are a big MYTH, a LIE (it’s BS!). I acquired all these things that society told me will make me happy and wholesome (and more acceptable), but it did the exact opposite. It made me more individualistic, which pushed me further from happiness. And worse, it made me neglect the simple treasures of life (love).

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

Addressing Your Questions # 1 – About Escorts, Prostitutes, & Courtesans

A lot of people are curious about the sex industry, which is reflected in the stats of this site. There are numerous phrases people search for in google to find this website. Many of those phrases are asking a question that is related to escorting, prostitution, courtesans, mistresses, relationships with clients, etc. So, I thought I would answer some of the questions that spark curiosity to my readers. Also, if there is a question that you may have regarding any aspect of the sex industry in any context, please let me know. Please remember that my perspectives can be subjective and in some cases biased.

Your Question: How do I tell people that I am an escort/sex worker?

Telling people you are prostitute should be done with extreme caution. Even if a prostitute feels no shame in her profession, she should keep it among intimate friends only. Remember, this is an aspect of society that many people can never understand or accept. Even people who appear non-judgemental towards sex workers might not fully understand the plight of a prostitute. Be prepared to face social castigation (rejection). Having said that, such a secret is difficult to keep inside, because it’s a secret that has shaped sex workers. Prostitution relates to sex, and sex is an intimate, touchy subject in modern society. Sex is also unique to each individual encounter and differs with each person, and thus it’s not easily understood in the same manner by all. If an escort feels compelled to tell someone, then she must tell it to someone who makes her feel safe, a person she ultimately trusts.

Your Question: How do escorts lure men to them? Or in other words, how do escorts attract clients?

Well, many prostitutes do not physically go out and lure men from the streets, unless we are actually working on the street (which is not associated with ‘high-end’ escorting). Escorts do not lure men per say. The transaction requires participants from both sides. Essentially, some men are looking for sex and/or companionship and the escorts are offering their services. In modern settings, escorts place advertisements either online or in newspapers, and clients find these websites where escorts offer their services. Call-girl agencies typically advertise online and in newspapers too.

I have never gone out to find clients in public settings. I advertise and let the men come to me. They view my website and photo’s and make the choice to arrange a booking with me. For men, seeing an escort is a bit of gamble, because clients cannot be sure of what to expect from the escort. The same can be said for escorts, as escorts do not know what to expect from their clients (generally, the hope is clients will be handsome, polite, generous and relatively easily to please).

I should also address what makes men seek escorts in the first place. In other words, what do men seek in escorts instead of their own wives or other non-prostitute women? Non-sex workers probably feel that men are attracted to an escorts immense beauty and sex appeal. But I must tell you that this is a myth; escorts are no different than other women. We are no more exceptional because we are ‘wanted’ by some men. I used ‘wanted’ in quotations because escorts are not truly wanted. Escorts are wanted for a shallow purpose (sex without commitment) most of the time. There are always exceptions to the rule, but in general a prostitute is only wanted for the purpose of sexual fulfillment without emotional acknowledgement.

In Western society, there is a growing importance for sex appeal. Women feel it is important to be sexually desirable to men all the time. This is a very unfortunate part of society, because women are objectifying themselves further by placing their self-worth on their sex appeal. I am guilty of this too. But I must say sex appeal is not a worthy quality at all. Being wanted for shallow reasons never made me genuinely happy.

In the West, normal women are trying to be the ‘ideal’ woman that is promoted by society. But what these women fail to realize is that there is NO ideal woman. For instance, women see how many men are avid porn watchers, so these women try to imitate prostitutes by getting plastic surgeries and dressing provocatively. Meanwhile, such women don’t want their brains to be neglected, so they get educated. The result is ‘educated’ women who uses their sex-appeal to feel powerful, which is a contradiction (they have objectified themselves and made themselves further subordinate to men). The reality is that these women have given away their power by trying to be the wife, the sex object, and the intellectual.

Your Question: How to Be an Upper Class Escort?

There are various factors, and having just one is usually not enough to become successful. Beauty alone may get clients for one visit, but beauty alone will not keep a steady clientele. Having said that, beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. A woman does not have to be exceptionally beautiful to be a successful prostitute, but it’s essential to be physically well-groomed, decently attired, polished, and healthy. The most important aspect is your personality with clients. Typically, clients like women who are nice, affectionate and accommodating. However, personality is also subjective, so I cannot suggest specific traits that clients want.

Again, if one is thinking to become an escort, they have to realize that it is a life-changing experience. An escort may gain in terms of money, but she loses in other ways in the process. Some escorts find the lifestyle easy, while others find it to be a severe addiction that has ruined many aspects of their personal happiness. From my observations, the only escorts that don’t seem to struggle emotionally are ones who numb their emotions with drugs, relaxers, and the various intoxicants.

Your Question: How to Leave the Industry? How to Stop Escorting?

For women who are doing this and cannot enjoy it, then I understand the desire to stop escorting. For me, I don’t despise this work, but it’s still not easy to remain a prostitute in a hostile society (where I am legally and socially condemned by attitudes and laws).

I have a post regarding my thoughts on leaving the industry. My view is rather negative and depressing, because I feel most women remain in the industry. Only in very rare cases I have seen a girl leave the industry for good. But as I mention in that post, prostitutes seem to only leave the industry when they get involved in a relationship, and unfortunately they go right back to the industry when the relationship fails.

I should try to be more optimistic. For myself, I am not sure if I want to quit. As long as clients are good, then I have no quarrels continuing to see them. Yet things become complicated when I’m in love with one man, or trying to ignore the stigma. I enjoy aspects of my job, but unfortunately society doesn’t feel the same way. Even when I graduate from University, I can still make more income working in the sex industry regardless of finding a qualified ‘normal’ job. For women who enjoy this work, rather than quiting, one should try to avoid internalizing this idea that their job is ‘wrong.’ However, for women who do this and DO NOT enjoy it, then it’s wrong. Sadly, what better alternatives are available to women who don’t like selling their bodies? If society made better alternatives for women in poor socioeconomic situations, then they wouldn’t be resorting to this work in the first place.

The industry is somewhat addicting in terms of financial rewards.  The first step is for an escort to understand herself. She needs to assess why she got in the industry and the reasons why she needed the money. Leaving the industry will require immense sacrifice, and perhaps resorting to lower pay. This is not always an option for women. It means getting a ‘normal’ job to survive, and training oneself to work long hours on a schedule. I can understand why for many sex workers, this ‘normative’ life is not appealing.

A materialistic prostitute (a woman selling herself to gain social/superficial prestige –like I started out to be) will find it the most difficult to leave the industry. She is not only facing addiction to the money, but she is also deeply insecure. She has based her entire self-worth on the presence of luxury and wealth. This was once my problem, but now I sell myself because I enjoy the benefits that exists (autonomy,working at my own pace, financial ease) and enjoy seeing clients. The battle I face is with being silenced by society and realizing my profession is not socially recognized. This job is not negative for all women, but it requires great strength to overcome the negatives.

Your Question: I am in love with a prostitute/ escort. Will our relationship be successful?

First, you need to assess what sort of prostitute she is. Ask: Why is she selling herself, and more importantly what factors lead her into selling herself to men? What sort of values does this woman have? A man who is in love with a prostitute must realize that a prostitute does not have the same experiences as a ‘normal’ woman. Therefore, a prostitute will be deeply shaped by her unique experiences, experiences that ‘normal’ women do not encounter. The experiences faced by prostitutes affect their emotions, and mostly in a negative way. For instance, a prostitute who sells herself to gain higher status (live in comfort/luxury) is likely to have a major ego followed by major insecurities. Insecurities do great damage to relationships, which I have experienced. Often, my insecurities caused me to lash out on my partners. I could not bare the idea of being wanted by only one man, when previously I (or my ego) was accustomed to ‘praise’ and ‘admiration’ by numerous men.

My estimate is that a relationship with a prostitute can be successful if she is ready to bring love into her life. Some are simply not ready for this, or perhaps they don’t want the conventional relationship. As her lover, you should also be respectful of her needs and desires, as she might not want to give up her work. One needs to ask themselves, can they handle being with a woman who see’s other men? Some can, some cannot. It’s also not easy for a prostitute to transition into a ‘normative’ relationship when she’s become accustomed to her own independence and lifestyle.

Often, I wish my ex-fiance could have understood me better. But its not his fault. Neither of us knew I was seriously confused about what I wanted in life — after all, I was only 22 back then. Although I was a prostitute, I considered myself ‘normal’ up until being serious with my ex; but later I realized that my lifestyle had made me far from the ‘norm.’ (Which isn’t a bad thing, but I wasn’t accepting it initially). My ex also thought I was a just like other ‘normal’ women because I didn’t look or act like a ‘typical’ prostitute (typical in the context of being vulgar, uneducated). He had expectations of me that were expected of women who don’t sell themselves, but he was not prepared for my ‘baggage.’ Love is strange, and blinding. Despite the constraints I caused our relationship, my ex didn’t give up. He accepted me as I was. Instead, I gave up, because I knew I was only capable of hurting him. I could not promise him anything, because I was too much confused back then — things made sense only later.

Your Question: Do Escorts Fall in Love with Clients?

Yes, it happens. But what I mentioned above illustrates that escort-client relationships are tricky. They are often unsuccessful as either the client cannot commit or the escort cannot compromise her work. So far, I have been in two serious relationships (one currently on-going) with men who originated as my clients. I have also been in love with an additional young man, Khalid, who’s a client, but money is what keep us from being in a serious relationship. Khalid doesnt have the means to give me enough financial support, therefore I refuse to commit myself to him. Instead, the two men who got me, my ex and the Sheik, helped me lovingly and generously. My ex provided for me financially, and so does my current partner. That aspect alone is a deal-breaker whether I like to admit or not. I could never be with a man who doesn’t ‘spoil’ me, because my addiction and ego is too strong (not something I am proud about). My poisoned theory is: why be with a man who doesn’t spoil me when there are many of other men willing to spoil me?

Your Question: Why does society say it’s wrong to be a prostitute?

It is only in modern (Western) history that prostitution has been constructed as a social ‘issue,’ where it became generalized, degraded, devalued and stigmatized pertaining to political agendas of dominant powers. For further academic reading, Michel Foucault explains this in his “The History of Sexuality.” One must be mindful that prostitution has existed in different ways and in different contexts historically, and has not always been viewed as a ‘shameful’ act.

Imagine you are a political elite. You have millions of people in your nation-state, and those people need to be mobilized and controlled. How to control these masses of people? Firstly, you need to assert your dominance. You need to instil fear into the minds of those millions of people, because fear is a great form of control. Thus, you create structures and have massive propaganda campaigns that support your ideals. In this structure, you create strict rules that dictate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Of course, you want your followers (the masses) to be loyal and embrace your society/kingdom, so you have to make them believe the rules (of the organization) are ‘good’ and ‘beneficial.’ Now, if you are male, you don’t want a bunch of women running around and having the freedom to choose who they sleep with. After all, in this mentality, women are the producers of future generations. Then, you control the sexuality of women, and by doing that you can control the future children being born into your kingdom. You tell the people that a ‘good’ woman is one who is chaste, modest and only has sex when it’s lawful to do so (in a marriage contract). A woman who has sex for pleasure is totally wrong and bad! Thus, if you are woman who has ‘loose’ morals you are a terrible person, and should be condemned by society. Social exclusion/condemnation is a way of preventing others from defying the norms that benefit your kingdom.

The point in my little story above is to illustrate that prostitution is solely unacceptable in contemporary society because it clashes with the interests of the dominant class. Women’s bodies are still viewed as the essential component to nation building, so most modern rulers are deeply concerned with regulating sexuality. Prostitution as being ‘the great social evil’ is only a recent European historical phenomenon stemming from the late 19th century.

Your Question: Why NOT to become a prostitute / call girl / girl ?

Well, my whole blog gives endless indirect reasons why not to become a prostitute. It should be quite apparent that I’m not entirely content with the situation, but my situation is ideal compared to the majority of others. I do enjoy sex and do enjoy it with some clients, so for me personally, it can be positive. However, most escorts do not have my outlooks. If a woman loathes the idea of seeing and sleeping with different men, then I don’t recommend sex work at all. The reality is that most escorts do not enjoy their work, and are doing it solely for money. Even if a woman can enjoy it, she has to be strong enough to overcome the potential consequences of this work: the added loneliness, living a double life, the loss of touch from reality, the insecurities, being vulnerable to alcohol and drugs as a form of coping, the false facades, the rejection, the shallow values associated with money, the prospect of never trusting a monogamous relationship, the false feeling of being loved and wanted, loss of family/friends and the separation from simplicity (natural happiness). A very resilient woman can overcome these emotional stresses, yet many cannot.

Your Question: How does an escort make money when she has her period (menstruating) ?

Good question. I had the same question when I first joined the sex industry. I had absolutely no idea what the answer would be. I was quite shocked when the madam told me, “Not working because of your period is NOT an excuse!” I was shocked to learn that almost all prostitutes work during their menses. I learned that many had their own methods to deal with the blood. Some women used contraceptives which made their menses disappear altogether. Another technique was used when the period was in its lighter stages in which a red colored condom is used to disguise any droplets of blood. The other more common method was using a sponge (a make-up/ or sea-sponge) that is inserted inside the vagina before seeing a client. The sponge is not felt during sex and it captures the blood thus making the sex blood-free.

Your Question: Is non-sexual escorting classified as ‘prostitution?’

This question is regarding the concept of a ‘social escort,’ which is typically a woman who is paid to accompany men for social events, such as dinners, outings, etc. I have yet to meet a ‘social escort’ who strictly does not have sex with her client afterwards. Indeed there are many clients who seek companionship over sexual intercourse. There are many other sexual acts besides penetration that some men seek. A small minority of clients don’t even request for sex, but rather they like to spend the time talking, or satisfying, perhaps, a certain ‘fetish’ with the woman. Regardless, most clients desire some form of release. I have only encountered a handful of men who didn’t want any release at all (meaning these men didn’t want to ejaculate/come). It is a rarity. Never the less, my theory is a ‘social-only’ escort cannot truly exist. If the man paying for her company likes her, then he will offer more money to get sexual services. The money is too tempting for such a woman to say no. It would SEEM ideal to be a ‘social’ escort in theory in which a woman is paid to just hang out with men. Yet in reality, mingling with men in public is far more time-consuming, less financially rewarding, and much more ‘work’ compared with having sex with a client.

A social-only escort could not charge the rates of a prostitute. For instance, there are some women who provide services other than actual sex. These women refer to their services as ‘sensual massage,’ in which they provide a nude massage complete with hand-release, and maybe oral sex. Since these sensual masseuses do not have sex, they also cannot charge the rate of a ‘full-service’ prostitute. Rate is generally determined by the amount of service provided.

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