Tag Archives: Memoirs of an Escort

Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

wilting-flower

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.

Isolated.

Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself


 

exploited-maids

I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.

_________________

Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


 

In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

Escorts, Clients and the Sex Industry: Questions and Answers # 5

This is Q&A No.5 of a series where I answer questions that viewers type in search engines to locate my blog.

1. What is an Exotic Escort?

exotic-escort

I use the term ‘exotic’ for myself in the context of being ‘different’ as an escort. I differentiate myself in that my cultural roots, ideological outlook and upbringing were rather unique compared to my surroundings. However, now that I look back in retrospect, I should have been more cautious in choosing the word ‘exotic,’ because the term ‘exotic’ is a very Orientalist notion.

Many escorts use the term ‘exotic’ to describe themselves as having a different ‘beauty’ or appearance than the norm of their given setting. For instance, an Asian woman in a predominantly white-dominated sex industry is perceived as ‘exotic,’ because her features are rare and different from the majority.

 

2. Is it harder for an escort who has sex with multiple partners daily to orgasm?

It truly depends on her, as an individual and her personal circumstances. A lot of women suppress (or are oblivious to) their sexual desires, so thus orgasm might be challenging or nonexistent in their lives. Modern gender roles are a major factor in the suppression of female sexuality, as ‘her pleasure’ has been traditionally dismissed as irrelevant in popular discourse. Discourses that marginalized female sexuality stem from influential Victorian morality. Of course things have changed, as the awareness of female sexual desire is being revived back into society. However, the asymmetrical gender binary of masculinity/femininity remain institutionalized in almost every factor of modern society, and thus remain influential in cultural attitudes.

Personally, the more sex I have, the more aroused I am.  As I mentioned in a previous Q&A, having sex with clients has often enhanced my personal sex life. I may or may not get aroused by clients, but it certainly builds up my anticipation for my personal lovers. Having a lot of mediocre sex with clients can sometimes make me intensely crave good intimacy with someone I desire. Equally, having good sex with clients often makes me immensely aroused for my personal lover afterwards. I get really aroused for my lover after another man has just slept with me.

 

3. What do escorts think about older clients?

Old, middle-aged, young…it doesn’t really matter to me. Age does not define how a client will act, so such things are quite irrelevant. I know some other female escorts who prefer older clients because there is a belief that older clients are easier to please. This belief may be held because some older men have a tendency of being more patient and relaxed in their sexuality, whereas younger men are more eager. However, characteristics of all sorts can be found in clients regardless of age, class or ethnic background.

 

4. Do Escorts Give Discounts (Cheaper) for Good Looking Men? Do Escorts Prefer Good Looking Men?

This question actually made me laugh. No! I’d say the majority of escorts would laugh if a man assumed his ‘good looks’ would get him a better deal. Most escorts, such as myself, do not care about looks. An experienced courtesan knows very well that ‘good looks’ have no relevance to our livelihoods. A handsome client does not guarantee that he will be a good sexual lover, a good person or at best, generous. Qualities that I enjoy in clients are generosity, kindness, respect, hygienic, intellect and selflessness in sex (non-demanding) – such things cannot be compensated by superficial aesthetics alone.

This reminded me a client who tried to book with me. He called me and made countless efforts to tell me how ‘handsome’ he was, and how ‘well-endowed’ he was in size. I just rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “You are probably the worst in sex considering you have to convince me of how apparently amazing you are.” I hung up, and refused to see him. Ladies beware: Any man who boasts excessively about his achievements or his ‘amazingness’ is to be avoided. Such men with big egos are usually masking HUGE insecurities and shortcomings. Thankfully, after years of encountering so many men, I know very well that: If it seems too good to be true, it is! Any man who proposes such a ‘larger than life’ offer has a dirty motive behind it, so please be wary of such things.

sensuallips 

5. What to do when a Regular Client Starts Seeing Another Girl?

Don’t do anything. He’s a client. Expect this. Sadly, in the context of modern prostitution, it is more than acceptable for a client to have no responsibility towards an escort. Even if he has seen her multiple times, it is at best a fragile relation with little significance. Of course, not all clients have this ‘neglecting’ intention with escorts. There are clients that stay loyal to one woman. The most most decent clients empathize with an escorts life and feelings — they don’t just see her as an object for their own leisure. However, I’d say not to worry about such matters.
Thankfully, I have always maintained a decent, quality handful of regular clients besides my Sheik. I have known some of them for several years. However, these men are not bound to me in any way. Most of them are married. I see them when they request me, but I do not intervene in their lives further, nor do I let them intervene in my own life. Whether or not my regular clients see other girls or not is not of my concern. I have no expectation of them.

In my days working in a high-end brothel, I saw many escorts get furious when their regular client started seeing another girl. Instead of blaming the client, they often blamed the other escort for allegedly ‘stealing’ her client. But blaming other escorts is hardly valid. Blaming the client is also invalid. It is simply part of the industry. Relationships in this industry are very fluid, so I prepare myself to never take things too seriously.
Sometimes I am unable to see my regular clients because I am busy in my personal life. At times I have even encouraged some of my regular clients to see other escorts. If I had a female friend who’s an escort, then I would recommend my client to see her. If you are an escort who has the notion of ‘hoarding’ clients then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I have found that my ‘openness’ with clients has made them more loyal to me.

 

6. Do Escorts Like Clients who are ‘Big,’ ‘Well-Endowed?’

From observing conversations with other escorts, most women tend to complain when a client is too big, or too much work (meaning too demanding and takes too long to ejaculate). For instance, if a clients’ size is too big and the intercourse is anticipated to be painful, then we might decline having sex with him. If he is rather large, most of us hope the sex will be quick. Some escorts with very big ego’s will say things like, “I’m not going to risk hurting my pussy with one client, it’s not worth it.” Personally, I have declined to have sex with clients who are too large, because I didn’t feel the potential pain was ‘worth’ my time.

Surprisingly, very ‘big’ men are not common as one may think. Most clients are average in genital size. Many escorts even develop a preference for ‘smaller’ men, because the assumption is that it will do less impact to her body. I prefer average or smaller with clients, because logically it’s easier on my body. However, my preference for my own pleasure is another story. This is probably because the men I enjoy are average or slightly bigger than average — but not too big, no no. Yet those ‘size’ factors, alone, are only one part of the great pleasure they induce upon me. I’ve had ‘smaller’ men also give me great pleasure. If I happen to be aroused on a particular day, I must admit that I do prefer a ‘slightly bigger than average’ size over small. I can recall a few weeks ago I was so aroused one day, and I was meeting a new client. I was immensely full of desire and was hoping that he would be ‘bigger,’ but to my dismay he was like quite small.

However, I should note that penis size does not guarantee pleasure. A lot of men are insecure about their size, but my view is that size is very secondary to giving pleasure to a woman. Pleasure is not just about physical aspects but also relates to mental stimulation and geometric fit of each participantGreat pleasure is never simply mind or body; it is the combination of both. To illustrate this in another way: a beautiful woman may attract someone, but her body alone is not enough to draw genuine and immense longing from another person.  I may attract men with my looks, but when they truly fall in love they fall in love with other elements that are not just physical. Physical attraction, alone, is a very limited and unfulfilling way of experiencing true bliss.

 

7. Is it Bad to Have an Escort Girl for a Girlfriend?

Why is it bad? It is only ‘bad’ because Modern society has a cruel and unjust attitude towards prostitutes. An escort is no different than any other human being. Yes, her lifestyle is different, but she/he is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such cruel view needs to be challenged.

 

Lovers Embrace

8. Do Escorts Enjoy Having Sex?

I sometimes get annoyed when I repetitively see questions like these, because asking such a question makes the assumption that human emotions can be standardized and generalized like an inanimate product.

I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts, because human beings have a diverse span of emotions, experiences and life circumstances which all form their unique way of viewing life (and viewing others). If an escort likes sex, it does not mean she will like sex with just anyone. Of course not.

As I have stressed before on this blog: things such as chemistry are not ‘learned’ behaviors – no amount of superficial efforts can create chemistry.  Two people desiring each other remains as mysterious today as it has in the past – chemistry is a phenomenon that has no linear explanation.

9. Being an Escort: How to Keep a Normal Life Going with This Double Life I’m Living?

A question what one needs to ask themselves is: what constitutes as being “normal?” Is it obedience to authority? Is it acting like everyone else? It is not questioning the dominant trends or discourses? A lot of the modern norms that exist today serve the purpose of benefiting a system of inequality and dehumanization rather than a humanistic and collectivist purpose. A question I had to ask myself in recent years is: Is there even a point to continue striving for a ‘normal’ life when my life is anything but the norm?

I had mentioned in my blog previously that I make tremendous efforts to conform in public. The way I dress, act and appear is very conforming (normal) from a public perspective. The purpose of conforming is to avoid rejection; I once desperately wanted to belong and be accepted by others. But in the process of appearing normal I was truly rejecting myself. It also became very exhausting trying to play different roles in different settings, so often I just isolated myself as it was the only place I could stop pretending to be someone I was not.

For years after becoming an escort, I struggled with my identity. I didn’t know who I was, and I focused more on what I was expected to be. I was performing several different roles, catering to the needs of everyone else. I was an escort, but I had to conceal this part of my life. How could I look, act and mingle like the majority of people when my experiences, tastes and ideas were totally different? How could I interact with normal women who would probably shun me if they knew my secret lifestyle? This is when I realized that society has made no place for stigmatized persons; for years it was emotionally exhausting feeling I must hide myself all the time.

Other escorts realize their rejection in mainstream society early on, so they find social support among other sex workers. But I couldn’t do this. I felt estranged even among most other escorts — sadly, there is no sense of wholesome solidarity/community among escorts in an Individualistic society. Many escorts are still profoundly influenced by gender role expectations (ironically) and tend to judge each other. I found that escorts usually bond together in their misery. Rather than deal with their pain together in a wholesome manner, they resort to ‘numbing’ their pain together by way of partying, drinking, excessive materialism and/or drug use. “Misery loves company” is a perfect phrase for when escort solidarity does exist. It isn’t only stigmatized persons, but also a lot of seemingly normal people tend to ‘party’ away their misery, because they themselves get tired of trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal placed upon their gender. Social pressures surely can explain why the ‘drinking and party’ culture is so prevalent in Western societies, because drinking allows people to feel artificially comfortable with themselves. Personally, I try my best to avoid such artificial situations. For me, the only place where I could reveal myself is when I was alone. My other outlet is when I fell in love.

Early on, I desired the ‘normal’ life and expectations for a woman: to fall in love, to get married and to have a family. I imagined that I could easily transition into a ‘normal’ life once getting married and settling down. And I almost did it. I stopped working for a long portion when I was with my ex-fiance. But throughout our relationship, I realized that my experiences of being a sex worker prevented me from conforming to the tastes and mannerisms of mainstream society, because I still had to hide myself. My ex-fiance accepted me and never judged me for selling my body, but the struggle remained within myself. In the early years of escorting, I was in denial of the fact that I wasn’t like ‘normal’ girls. I sold my body, but I felt I was better than most escorts because my outside lifestyle and mannerisms were normative. But now, I have come to accept that I am a woman with a totally different outlook compared to the average girl. I see sides of men and their sexuality that most women never see. My experiences have made my life anything but normal. And now I accept it, and I stop trying to look for straight lines.

So can an escort ever live a normal life? Sure, she can pretend her life is normal for outsiders, but inside she will be hiding a lot of emotions. A person can only hide themselves for so long. Sadly, I do not have a sound answer to this question, as there aren’t any wholesome alternatives made for sex workers in a modern context. However, I personally found comfort once I started broadening my knowledge. From a very young age, I have always been fascinated with learning in various ways. One cannot only learn from books, one must also learn from experience too. I was inspired to go to University to soothe my curiosity about human life, cultures, society, politics, and so forth. University exposed me to scholars who analytically critique all aspects of social phenomena. I was introduced to the concept of ‘narratives’ and ‘discourses’ (stereotypes), which made me realize that many widely-held beliefs in society were constructed by particular people to serve a particular agenda. Moreover, norms that exist today are never fixed, and norms differ both historically and culturally. Soon enough, I realized there was no ‘shame’ in my ‘abnormal’ profession, and also realized that other cultures, historically, once held ‘alternative’ lifestyles and sexual practices with high esteem.  It became quite comforting when realizing many intellectual people (in post-modern Social Sciences) are aware how norms are constructed in relation to power, therefore subject to contestation, change and variation. Many scholars in the Arts and Social Science disciplines (gender studies, history, humanities, anthropology, sociology and the like) are relatively open-minded and accepting of alternative lifestyles, as most of their research is to critically analyze social phenomena as opposed to accepting dominant discourses. There are a minority of decent, wholesome people who challenge the unjust notions of society and are in favor of ‘alternative’ lifestyles.

A lot of great films about courtesans and ‘fallen women’ really depict this emotional conflict that many of us face: where a prostitute realizes her place in society is un-welcomed, abnormal, detestable and condemned. Shortly, I will post a list of great films that portray the life and emotions of a prostitute. One of the greatest films about the life and misery of a courtesan is an infamous, old Hindu-Urdu film titled, “Pakeezah.” A translation of a powerful line in the film is when Sahib Jaan (the courtesan) says to her beloved, “wherever you take me, my disgrace will eventually find me.” That line clearly shows her loss of hope, knowing that her soul is irreversibly scarred by her ‘maligned’ experiences.

meena Kumari (Pakeezah)

An excellent analysis of the courtesan film, “Pakeezah” can be found here: http://mrandmrs55.com/2012/04/16/the-immortal-dialogue-of-pakeezah/

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Filed under Facts About the Sex Industry, High-class prostitution, Questions for Escorts And Clients, The Escorting Business, Types of Clients