An escorts’ contact details are public, which means anyone can contact her — anyone (the good, the bad and the ugly). This is why screening potential clients is crucial for an escorts safety and well-being — to sift the gems from the dirt.
An escort should always speak to a potential client on the phone first. I will not respond to a text message from someone I haven’t met before. I ignore all text messages (if you cannot call me from a verifiable phone number, then that’s a red flag in itself). Private numbers should be rejected. All internet-generated phone calls from throwaway phone numbers should be rejected too.
Decent clients are straight forward and easy going when booking an appointment with an escort for the first time. Decent clients are respectful, polite, and ask only a few relevant questions (whilst remaining professional).
Indecent clients (stingy, disrespectful, creepy, exploitative, abusive clients) will give off subtle characteristics when speaking on the phone. Sometimes it’s not so easy to tell that the caller is indecent or a time waster — an indecent man may speak well and be affluent. Likewise, there could be a caller who speaks less refined or has a “village” accent who might be a very sweet and generous client. The following list below are some of my observations of who is a potential bad client or time waster.
Red Flags when Screening a Client:
In all of the following scenarios, the caller should be avoided and blocked.
Arrogant – A caller who lets you know how “nice” he is or how “good looking” he is. This can also include sending you his selfie or “dick” pic, thinking it may entice the escort (newsflash, it doesn’t).
Sometimes, a callers arrogance is hidden initially. Once, a man named Mr. J called me and he sounded very kind and polite over the phone. I gave him permission to text me since we already spoke on the phone — I allow texting only for the purpose of arranging an appointment. This client then started to ask personal questions, and then even stated how he is “endowed” and “good looking” —- that’s supposed to impress me how exactly?? For one, looks are highly SUBJECTIVE, and secondly, a larger penis with poor character does NOT translate to pleasure. Superficial qualities, alone, do not entice me at all. If anything, arrogance is a complete turn off (and red flag). Financial generosity, selflessness, and utmost respect are things that entice an escort. Superficial traits, in addition to those qualities, are a bonus . I wanted to tell Mr. J that, but as I will mention later, there is NO point to vent your annoyances to a stranger. Just dismiss and ignore.
A good life lesson I have learn is that: a genuinely decent person never has to convince others that they are great (in order words, a person with substance does not brag or boast about themselves — decent folks are humble). On the other hand, an arrogant person will feel a need to boast about themselves (or what they have), which stems from low self-esteem, narcissism, and insecurity.
An arrogant caller may also say they will give you a lot of money or make up some elaborate story about their wealth — but it’s only talk. A complete stranger making financial promises to someone he has never met is a farce. Never trust words, trust actions only.
Asking for Discounts– A stingy client is most likely to be annoying, exploitative and disrespectful.
A Time Waster – Contacting you for months/years on end periodically, and never booking. This type may enjoy wasting your time or have no intention to ever book. They are looking to talk/chat with someone for free. They will try to induce a personal conversation about other things unrelated to an appointment (ie: trying to get to “know you” before you even met). So once this pattern is detected, block
Talking sexually– As mentioned, it is okay to ask a basic question that is conducted in a respectful manner. For instance, “What are your measurements?” “Do you allow *insert intimate act here*?” That is fine. But if the question goes anything beyond that, it is a red flag of a bad client. Asking personal sexual details and speaking sexually explicit is not acceptable. A called once asked me, “Tell me, what makes you cum? What turns you on?” Red flag — why would I want to share my sexual views with a man I have never met and who hasn’t paid me? I was firm and said, “I do not answer such questions, because I have never met you and my experience varies with each person.” He accepted my answer, and had the chance to redeem himself. But, instead, he tried to talk sexually explicit with me further. I blocked and deleted. Talking sexually to an escort when trying to book her shows blatant indecency and disrespect. Just because I sell my body you think it’s okay to talk sexually explicit to me? No. The aim of this type of caller is to “get off” for free by calling an escort — it’s simply pathetic and creepy.
Asking endless questions and talking too much. It is certainly okay to ask a few questions, but the questions should be relevant, polite and professional. “Do you provide kissing?” If the questions are becoming sexual, then the person is likely wasting your time and trying to “get off” for free. A caller who is also asking very personal question is to be avoided. Asking, “Oh, you’re not free? Why? Is that because you have other clients already booked?” –that is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Never explain your personal things to a client whom you have never met. Dismiss them right away and block. A decent potential client will keep a phone call brief to arrange the appointment.
Asking you to advertise yourself over the phone: An escort already has an advertisement that describes herself, so there is no need to “sell” yourself over the phone and “convince” a potential client to meet you (waste of your own energy and time). Cheap men are fussy and worried about spending their money on an escort and having a bad experience — whereas a decent client is less worried about giving his money to an escort.
Asking for an extremely detailed session: (waste of time, weirdo, entitled).
Calling you from an unclear line(meaning it’s from an internet phone number), or speaking on speakerphone or calling when around multiple people in the background).
Calling you at odd hours of the day/night. If someone is calling you after midnight, it means they party or they think you party (ie: do drugs).
Booking, then not showing up. The caller doesn’t have any sense of respect or courtesy towards you, which is a clear indication of whom they are as a person (rubbish).
Asking for more photos or a video call. Again, an escort already has photos and a description, in her advertisement. Therefore you do not need to convince a potential client with by showing more photos — this caller is just wasting your time and trying to get free content from you.
Asking for risky or degrading services. If anyone asks for uncovered sexual acts, or painful sexual acts to be performed on you, it’s a major red flag. This includes a caller asking if they can dominate you — usually it’s an abusive man masking their abusiveness with being “dominant” and seeking a “submissive” escort.
How to react to INDECENT MEN whom call you?
Sadly, the best solution is to do nothing at all. The main reason an escort should not react is because indecent men tend to be cowards and will take revenge in ways that can harm the escort. They are the ones who will join escort forums and bash the reputations of escorts. Just ignore them. Block them. Don’t react. Some men of the pathetic calibre are purposing harassing and targeting sex workers to invoke a reaction — it might even arouse them to hear you say, “Fuck off!” Secondly, it’s not even worth your time or energy to “educate” an indecent man on how to be decent — he will never understand what it means to be a respectful man (he doesn’t have the capacity to know what being decent entails).
It is also important to note that when an escort blocks an indecent caller, they may try to contact again from a new phone number. If anything seems off with a caller, listen to your gut and reject it. Some indecent men are manipulative with their speech and seek to charm, so an escort should always have her guard up.
To my fellow escorts: What are some red flag you’ve encountered? What are your tips to screen clients?
Dear readers, it has taken me several years to write this post. I imagine this post will get a lot of hate in escort forums, where people’s sole identities are tied to these toxic forums. Escort review forums are extremely dehumanizing for both men and women (it encourages toxic behavior for men’s interactions with women and detracts from a wholesome sense of intimacy). This post will break it down.
A select population of clients in the sex industry are punters (also known as Hobbyists), men who review escorts on public escort forum boards. They are the unpleasant type of clients as they degrade sex workers into very shallow criteria and ratings on scales. Essentially, punters see sex as something that can be standardized – that a sex worker has a menu that is static and can be applied to all clients. They don’t have the maturity to factor in that intimate sex is about chemistry, communication, among other things — they don’t realize that sex with an escort will always vary. Punters also do not realize that having a degradative mindset/attitude towards sex workers will actually work against them — no woman wants to feel intimate with a self-entitled, shallow creep. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In an ironic twist, a lurker to any escort review board will notice one thing: most punters’ biggest complaint about escorts is that the “service” (or sex) “felt mechanical.” Sex will be mechanical if you think escorts should offer sex in a standardized “set menu” manner! Sex should not be seen as a service. Sex cannot be pre-planned with a fixed menu that can be repeated uniformly with different bodies. Having a self-entitled attitude towards sex workers is not only a recipe for bad sex, but it’s toxic. Having sex for the intent of gloating about it online and seeking virtual “high fives” from fellow soulless entities is toxic.
In Short:Escort Review Boards are cesspools of false information, jilted lovers, jilted clients, one-sided BIASED and often false or exaggerated reviews, the site of shallowness and the dehumanization of women (and sex), and a meeting point for sociopathic, self-entitled clients (aka “Karen” clients with the “CuStOmEr iS RiGhT” attitude).
Disclaimer — this post is NOT about all clients. Clients are as diverse as any population and there are many lovely men who are patrons of escorts. This post is specifically talking about men who identify themselves as Punters, whom frequent/contribute to escort review boards. Not all clients are punters. This is also not talking about those who may only browse review boards.
Anyone can create a username and write whatever they want about you on an online escort forum. Have a psychotic, jilted former ex lover/stalker? Pissed off another escort, pimp or madame? Have an escort who is jealous of you? Did you stand up for yourself to an abusive, creepy client? Guess what, he/she can take revenge against you by writing negative things about on these escort review forums (under the guise of a so-called client). Even “good” reviews can be false, misleading or exaggerated (which I will speak about my experience later).
Getting a BAD Review as an Escort
A few months back, someone sent me a very harsh and harassing email (to my escorting email). They told me I was a scammer and I was a fraud. They also said I must be “old and fat” now. They claimed they saw me many years back. I was trying to think of whom I met and had a bad experience with? I could only think of a few instances where I met a client who was unreasonable and ghastly.
I have never received such a mean email before. Foolishly, I replied to that person something along the lines of, “I am sorry you are such a hateful person that you would email someone with such hurtful words.” I shouldn’t have engaged with them at all, and I should know that empathy doesn’t work with sociopaths. I wondered if this person was actually someone I had met, or was it someone who has a vendetta against escorts and just wants to spam them with hate?
So I thought back to any bad experiences I’ve had. I remembered there was one man who had the same name as the email. He was the only client who I told to “Fuck off” as I shut the door on him. This was perhaps eight years ago. Now that I realize he was/is a “punter”, it all makes sense to why I had such a bad experience with him.
This client was the first client who spoke to me degradingly during sex. I remember during our session, he was calling me “Slut” and “whore”. “You’re a little whore, aren’t you?” I was shocked as I never met men who would even dare call me such things. For me, I was used to clients treating me like a Queen. But despite that, I went along with his degradative role-play. Prior to sex, he brought his own condoms and set them aside beside the condoms I have. After the sex finished, he looked at the condom wrapper and noticed we had used my condoms instead of the ones he brought. He then completely shifted his mood from happy to sour. He then berated me and said, “I told you to use THESE condoms, that’s why I brought them.” Him, a late 40’s grown man huffing and puffing at a young girl in her early 20’s for using the wrong condom, only realizing AFTER he finished. Me, being an extreme people pleaser back then, apologized sincerely, “I am so sorry, I didn’t even realize it.” And it was true, I sincerely didn’t realize we used the wrong condoms. Furthermore, why was it a big deal which condoms we used since he didn’t even notice until after we finished? But instead, he turned sour and annoyed, and became pissed at me. I kept apologizing despite he was being unreasonable. I was shocked that this man could behave so awful and childishly over such a trivial issue and a clear mistake. Decent men would NEVER behave this way. While he was dressing, I was angry at myself for apologizing to him and continuing to be kind despite he turned into a disrespectful jerk (for lack of better words). So as he was leaving my home, I muttered, “Fuck off” as I shut my door. And that is the creation of a jilted client — who will then go on an ESCORT REVIEW BOARD to take revenge on escort (where a BIASED, one-sided story is told). An escort review board, where readers have no inclination of how disgusting, rude, creepy, abusive, or horrid the CLIENT BEHAVED.
Looking back, I wish I would have yelled right back at him and set him straight. But I was also scared, as most escorts are. Sex workers are extremely vulnerable in such instances. We have no protection, and furthermore where is our protection on escort review forums? Escorts are constantly dehumanized — yet no one is batting an eye. Now, I can look back and realized he, this “punter” client, was sociopathic bully. And furthermore, he is a complete coward to now email me more recently with harassing words and speak about me on an escort review board. I do not accept reviews but somehow last month my name was mentioned on an escort review board. He wrote some posts saying my service was bad (restrictive) and said how I am now in my 30’s in a derogatory sense.
What Do Reviews say about the AUTHOR (the Punter, the Reviewer)?
If you ever come across an escort review, ask yourself next time: what is this review telling me about the author?
A lesson on academic level critical thinking teaches one to not take writings as face value. Instead, a critical thinker/reader will always ask the following when reading something:
Who is the author and what are theirbiases in relation to what they are writing?
What are the politics of ones memory and how can it be distorted?
What is the authors intent behind what they are writing?
What does the authors’ writing tell you about the author themselves? (Ie: If a Punter degrades a woman because of her age, doesn’t it tell you that this person views a woman’s worth in shallow terms? If a person’s storytelling consists of bragging and boasting of their experiences, isn’t this an indication of low self esteem and attention seeking?
With regards to the jilted punter who contacted me recently, he is trying to soothe his wounded ego by speaking negative things about me, the escort. Me, barely standing up for myself and telling him to “fuck off,” wounded his ego. Nobody will know my story — an escort’s side is silenced. I feel thankful that I am able to not take his mean comments personally –being educated about anti-social personality disorders and the politics of storytelling taught me why hateful people behave this way. He’s an abusive person — sociopathic — and possibly narcissistic. Projecting his self hate by putting me down. What can be said about a person who dehumanizes women on online forums? What does it say about his character by attempting to shame me for my age and appearance? It tells me that he is a hateful, shallow and vile person. And that’s why I felt sorry for him at first — that he is filled with so much hate that he projects that onto other people.
Who is the Escort Review Punter?
*He has made a hobby out of meeting escorts and sharing his experiences with other men.
*He is the type of man who brags and boasts of his sexual experiences. Shallow boasting/bragging is the biggest indicator of low self-esteem and immaturity. It’s also a known cliche that those who show off are usually compensating for short-comings (Napoleon complex, penis insecurity issues, etc).
*He feels a need to tell his sexual escapades to a group of male buddies online to get “high fives” and an ego boost. In real life, he might be a loner, so logging online to escort review boards connects him with men like himself and gives a sense of community.
*He has “issues.” And because of these issues, he doesn’t have sex that is truly intimate, steamy and mutually fulfilling. His own personality prevents him from establishing genuine intimacy with a woman, so he is always on the prowl for new escorts since he cannot connect with women on an intimate, emotional level.
Potential Sociopath – A person who has little to zero empathy for the well being of sex workers.
Emotionally Stunted/Immature– If a punter is not a sociopath, then he may simply be emotionally immature, socially awkward and/or have limited experience with women in everyday life. Just like anyone, some naive men want to belong, and when they join escort forums, they may feel like they found a sense of belonging with punters. The problem is, escort forum boards promote a very toxic ideal of masculinity, which can prevent men from making meaningful relationships with women.
Coward – Have a REAL issue with an escort? Then, why not address it to her privately first so she can evaluate her practices? Gossiping, backbiting and doing it anonymously behind a screen makes one a coward, period.
The, “I aM aN EnTiLTeD CuStOmEr” attitude. Punters are the male version of “Karen-who-needs-to-speak-to-the-manager.”
Loner Misogynist – Find solace in other loner misogynists on the board (they all share common traits).
Getting a GOOD review as an Escort
I do not accept any reviews — even a “good” review is unwanted. Thankfully, most clients I’ve seen are not the type to write reviews, nor would they even want to . As a rule, decent men do not kiss and tell. As one client told me, “Why on earth would I want to tell other men about our intimacy! No way. I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
The best sexual experiences (intimacy) are NOT being shared on escort review forums. Simply put, a genuine man who has a beautiful, intimate experience with an escort does not have it in his character to go boast about it online — he wouldn’t want other men coming to her. A man who experienced passionate intimacy with an escort wouldn’t dream of writng about her in a way to entice more clients to meet her. If he’s crazy (not decent), he might even write a bad review on her as an attempt to keep her for himself! In essence, decent men do not engage in such a behavior nor have a ‘hobbyist’ mentality. A man who genuinely respects women will not be an active on escort forums
One reason why I do not want “good” reviews is because I do not want to come off as an escort with has a set menu that can be performed with all clients. How I am with one client differs from another client. I am upfront that my service literally depends on each situation — that’s because chemistry with each person differs.
Many years back when I worked in a high-end brothel overseas, I discovered someone had written a review about me. It was a ‘good’ review. But it was incredibly false and exaggerated. The punter likely thought I would never see the review since I wasn’t working in my home country. He went into details– saying my ….. was waxed (I never wax, I shave). He claimed he made me orgasm 3 times. His writing skills were very good and exceptional — it was written in the tone of an epic tale. But it was false. I was shocked because I don’t even fake orgasms, but I certainly did not go 3 times with him (I don’t think I came with him at all).
So thus, even good reviews are highly biased, debatable and political. They can be faked also. Furthermore, one can get a good review from a punter, then a bad review by the same punter if they felt slighted at the least. Once again, the reader is not hearing anything from the escorts side, nor do they know anything about the Hobbyist in terms of their behavior and hygiene.
Here is what you need to know when reading escort reviews:
Escort Reviews are completely biased. In escort reviews, there is an absence of the other perspective (ie: the escorts perspective), which is essential to get a more accurate depiction of what actually happened. Sex between two people has two different perspectives. How accurate is a punters review of an escort when he is anonymous (his identity is hidden behind a computer screen)? How accurate is the review of an escort when we don’t know the INTENT of the writers goals (ie: he’s a scumbag who felt insulted and to make himself feel better, he writes an unflattering review on an escort with the INTENT to get a sense of revenge for his bruised ego — this is very common). How is the review accurate when we don’t know that the client’s annoying foreplay tactics and nasty body/hygiene caused the escort discomfort and made her disengage in the sexual experience?
Seeing an escort is ALWAYS a gamble– There is a term YMMV (your mileage may vary). Clients need to be schooled that seeing an escort is always YMMV. Whenever seeing an escort, a man’s experience with her CANNOT be guaranteed to be the same as someone else who reviewed her.
Details on the Client are Missing in reviews.We have no idea about the CLIENT and how his attitude, looks, hygiene, touch and other crucial aspects IMPACTED how the escort reacted. He is an anonymous person behind a computer — he might be a physically and emotionally repulsive man who is talented in the art of telling epic tales (lies). He might have the worst sex game (ie: how he behaves with women sexually), which makes an escort feel turned off. The point is, readers of escort reviews have ZERO indication of the client, which is crucial in understanding how a sexual encounter actually played out.
Sex CANNOT be standardized into a SET MENU. Good sex is all about chemistry between two people (sexual energies that are aligned). Chemistry between two people is a phenomenon (like love) that cannot be premeditated or forced. Therefore, the entire notion of punters expecting pleasurable sex based on an escorts reviews or menu is completely invalid — there is absolutely NO way to guarantee good sex between two random people. A sex menu is not comparable to buying a meal from a set restaurant menu (but punters think it’s the same). If one thinks sex can be predictable and standardized, then they are a blatant fool and have NO idea what intimacy/chemistry is all about. The biggest irony that punters have is how they complain about escorts for being too “mechanical” or “lacking enthusiasm” — if anything, punters are INFLUENCING escorts to act mechanical when they ask escorts, “What’s on the menu?” Once again, clients need to realize that seeing an escort is a gamble in terms of making a good sexual connection, which is because, again chemistry is NOT something that can be premeditated. Furthermore, having a good experience with an escort also HEAVILY depends on the behaviour of the client. Some punters are overt or closeted misogynists — their experiences with escorts are a self fulfilling prophecy–— they have negative ideas about escorts (and women, generally), so when they meet an escort they give off a negative vibe that makes the escort less friendly and uncomfortable. In other words, if a client acts like a scum, he can’t expect an escort (or any woman) to be enthusiastic about spending time with him.
Decent men are NOT profound reviewers of escorts for a variety of reasons. Decent men /clients do not seek egotistical validation by bragging or boasting about their sex life. The only time a decent man might review an escort is if the escort, herself, asked for one — he is reviewing to help her with good intentions. But again, decent men are not the type to engage on these forums generally. Genuine, passionate sex will not be found on a review board, because no man would want other men to get the chance to experience true intimacy with a woman.
Many, MANY reviews are highly inaccurate, exaggerated, blatant lies, or even revengeful(ie: written by a jilted lover/client, who got rejected by an escort). Even jilted escorts/pimps/agencies sometimes pretend to be a client and write negative reviews on another escort out of envy, jealously or revenge.
Escort Reviews Dehumanizes and Exploits Women – To quantify someone’s body parts or service on a scale of 1 to 10 is dehumanizing and shallow — is that all that matters about a woman? Is sex just about the physical? For shallow people, yes. For those whom are deep, sex is much more metaphysical, spiritual, intimate among other things. Escort reviews also work to bully escorts into compromising their comfort levels and boundaries. For example, an escort might feel uncomfortable with a client, but she fears to get a bad review, so she is subtly coerced into doing sexual acts that make her uncomfortable (or even hurt her). This is one reason why many escorts have to drink or take drugs before seeing clients, because they cannot see clients without numbing themselves. Being afraid to stand up for oneself or assert boundaries is, itself, traumatic for an escort.
Escorts Don’t Like Review Culture. But since Escorts are essentially silenced from taking action, they sometimes are forced to participate in this toxic culture. Personally, I do not use escort forums, nor do I want to attract punter/hobbyist type of clients. However, when I was new to escorting many years back, I discovered these forums and read them out of curiosity. It was very depressing to see how fellow escorts were dehumanized on these forums.
The punters description of an escort can be heavily skewed or inaccurate for a variety of reasons.Let’s look at an example of how an escort review could be completely biased and inaccurate:Imagine a punter meets an escort and is attracted to her. Then he touches her roughly in ways that hurt her. The escort first tries to say sweetly, “Not there honey, and be gentle sweetie.” But the client keeps poking and prodding roughly, causing pain and discomfort. The escort gets upset and say, “Can you please stop doing that again. It hurts.” By this time, the escort is now in a sour mood and just wants this vile client to bust his nut. The escort feels like a sex toy, because this filthy client doesn’t respect her body nor comfort levels. At this point, the escort now has lost her sweet attitude because this client clearly feels entitled to her body, as if she is not human with emotions and feelings. He clearly has no idea how to be intimate or how to gently touch a woman. The client finishes and goes home. He gets home and writes a review on the escort. He felt insulted by the escorts “bitchy attitude”, so decides to write a manipulative review that isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s contains subtle ways to make the escort look bad. He tells his fellow punters, “She’s sexy, but doesn’t allow much and she has zero enthusiasm.” Then, to soothe his ego, he figures he should knock her down some more by inventing a physical flaw about her. The review leaves him feeling better about himself because he evened the “score-board” in his head because the escort did not exalt his existence. The reverse is also true where good reviews are often exaggerated (such as what happened to me once.)
Help For Escorts Regarding Escort Review Forums
I was a teenager when I discovered escort review forums. I was fresh to the sex industry. For the most part, the clients I met, thankfully, were lovely and treated me exceptionally well. But when I saw escorts forums, I realized there was another breed of clients that were vile and shallow. I thought to myself, how come most of my clients don’t appear to be that way (like punters)? Later I realized that I don’t really see/attract punter-type of clients (except when I was totally new and naive — punter-types like naive “new” girls because they are easier to exploit).
When I discovered escort forums at a very young age, I actually got depressed from reading them. I was shocked how some men were extremely cruel, perverted, mean and shallow when it came to women. I was depressed because I yearned to be loved for my mind, for my soul — I was tired of being just “a body” or just “sexy” or “beautiful.” What I saw on escort forums was that a woman’s worth was extremely degraded — zero concern for the well being of sex workers. The women that “punters” idealized were typically women whom were cheaper bargains (in price), did the most risky work (ie: had no boundaries) and were willing to act robotic (have no personality, say yes to everything and never complain). Then to top it off, every “flaw” that a woman could have was highlighted and shamed. I was too young to realize that only SOME men were vile like this, but quickly learned that only “punter” types had this horrid, misogynistic and entitled mentality towards sex workers. Ironically, the few 3 or 4 reviews had in those days were all good. But they still made me uncomfortable, and as mentioned in this post, they were misleading and exaggerated. I did not want to participate in a forum that was viewing women in such shallow ways, nor did I want to see clients whom were active contributors to escorts forums. I decided to stay out of escort forums by not allowing reviews early on. I marketed myself in a way to attract a particular type of client who was seeking a more wholesome experience — and through the process of screening, an escort can hopefully weed out the unpleasant from the decent (though, not always, unfortunately). I hope most escorts can also boycott escort forums, but sadly these days many escorts are bullied into the review culture.
How should an escort process the escort review boards and punters? Remember that not all clients are punters. If possible, try not to market yourself to them (I know this not easy for many escorts). If that’s not possible, then be clear that you don’t accept reviews.
The things that punters say about escorts can be hurtful, humiliating (even if it’s ‘good’), embarrassing, traumatizing, dehumanizing and so on. Remember that how a person treats others is their character — what that means is if someone treats you a certain way or says cruel things to put you down, it has everything to do with THEM and not with you. Some people are filled with so much self-hate that they project it onto others — projection is well documented in psychology. They will also gaslight you into thinking YOU are a fault. Try your best to not take it personally. If someone tries to shame you for something shallow, OWN IT. Learn self-love and remember that wholesome people will accept/love you for whom you are as a human being. Furthermore, any “flaw” you are shamed for will be something another person will treasure and adore.
Toxic hobbyist in a nutshell: “When a person cannot control you, they will try to control how others perceive you. This is a common tactic of oppressors and abusers.”
Cases Where Escort Reviews Are Meaningful:
Unfortunately there are cases where an escort duo (another escort or her pimp) will rob a client. In any instances where there is danger, it is important that warnings are made about dangerous situations. This works for both escorts and clients — both need to warn others about dangerous situations.
My point of this post is stop the normalization of escort review forums. — it harms women by objectifying them in shallow ways — taking away the human experience of an escort. It ignores the struggles sex workers face from being in the sex trade (and from their personal lives). When women are harmed this way, it also in turn hurts men. How can women be loving and warm to men if they see a group of men who are complicit in their exploitation and dehumanization?
I don’t want to dampen your day. My blog speaks a lot on the topic of pain. I am not always a depressed person. I have learnt to be quite thankful and positive about life situations. However, pain is an inevitable part of life. When pain happens, I have no outlet to express myself in real life. I don’t like to talk about my sadness with others — so this blog is an outlet for myself. Even though I speak about dark things, please know that I have an optimistic perspective of life (and have optimism for those in a similar situation). Whatever happens in life is always for a purpose. Broken pieces can be put back together. And although scars remain, only scars produce the following beautiful, invaluable traits: character, substance, passion.
Almost all prostitute comes from a history of pain. It might have started in their childhood, teens or early adulthood. It might have been a neglectful or abusive parent(s) or exploitation and trauma from home or outsiders. A woman who is loved properly and is well protected is very unlikely to become a prostitute. The sex industry pulls women from downtrodden backgrounds.
I come from a dysfunctional, broken family. Never had a Father figure. At times, I was prey for predators. Being a child or teen without strong familial protection makes one ripe to many societal ills and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My siblings and I all had issues due to coming from our dysfunctional family — I became a prostitute, my brothers used to sell drugs and my sister developed an intolerable and spiteful character. We all coped in unhealthy ways also. Pain and trauma usually leads a child into two directions when they become an adult:they can become abusive/neglectful themselves (because that’s all know how to be) and/or they resort to drugs, drinking, and other self-destructive habits to cope. One can only hope to heal by becoming introspective and developing empathy for oneself and others. Part of healing is unlearning the self-destructive coping mechanisms, unlearning the negativity, unlearning the pain that has shaped oneself. That’s where I find myself — unlearning, trying to understand, trying to heal.
One would never guess that I come from a broken family. I do very well at hiding everything. If need be, I can speak intellectually, dress well-to-do and behave eloquently and cheerful. My “normal” persona gives off the idea that I come from a decent family and that I went through life relatively unscathed — which is misleading. In reality, I come from a family that has experienced drive by shootings, addictions, domestic violence, criminal activity, suicides and certain family members serving prison sentences. And, of course, I added prostitution to our lovely family legacy. Having said that, I love my family deeply. My family also has many good aspects–and thankfully, certain family members have improved themselves and their situations. I am grateful for my background and family. My character and passion comes from the struggle — it wouldn’t have come from an easy life, unscathed.
Even when I feel strong and determined, pain still remains from all the brokenness. When I see my younger relatives with deep scars from cutting themselves on my their arms, I get sad. When I hear that a teenager has already lost hope for life, I want to die inside. What causes a young boy or girl to slit their wrists? My heart breaks knowing I cannot even reach out to give them hope and tell them I will give my life to make them happy. When I see a monster who abuses, exploits and harms innocent elders or young ones, I boil up with anger. I wish everyone was well prepared for the monsters in this world — who seek to harm, abuse, exploit the vulnerable. I cry to imagine any child having to go through the events I have seen, and I feel grief knowing that this trauma is still happening.
I have accepted there can’t be any consistent peace. My family is fragile, and I have to learn how to reconcile my own desire to have stability with a very unstable situation. Soon, it will be the 6 year anniversary of a loved ones suicide. I play her favorite songs, and cry thinking about her. I miss her so much. I just want to hug her. I just want to laugh with her. I get angry thinking about the generational trauma that inevitably caused her suicide — a Mother from a broken family who gave birth to children in a broken family, a Mother who was abused and then became abusive herself. An abused child who grew up, became exploited and got addicted to the drugs and alcohol they turned to at a young age to cope. I remember when the idea of suicide came to me in my early twenties. I made the realization I couldn’t do it, because I am deeply worried about the younger kin of my family. I thought, “If I have no hope, then what hope would they have?” I wanted to be strong for them. But sadly, history repeats itself in generational trauma — most don’t step back and learn from the generational trauma, they get consumed by it and become it.
All these feelings, I cannot share so easily. I sometimes feel isolated because my peers consist of normal individuals with relatively normal, decent families. I write on this blog as my outlet.
This is the life of a prostitute. My heart hurts today. I breath deeply to soothe myself. If a client comes, I cannot show my pain. When a friend has a celebration, I cannot show my pain. I put on my smile, and try not to think of the tragic things that have happened. I am sometimes amazed that I haven’t resorted to drugs or other intoxicants to numb myself — I saw so much drug abuse in my family that I am terrified of alcohol and drugs.
That’s why love becomes so special to a person who comes from a background of trauma — this idea that we can relax our heart and let ourselves be vulnerable in a way that (hopefully) won’t hurt us. We crave the things that were denied to us: wholesome love, protection, trust and security. But when love has hurt you from it’s origins (starting from the family), then love is something to be feared.
Be kind to prostitutes…
The reason that many prostitutes take drugs or drink is because their pain/trauma is so unbearable that they want to feel numb. Most prostitutes have post-traumatic-stress-disorder to varying degrees.
When I see the hatred that society and specific people have towards prostitutes, I feel sad to know there is such a lack of understanding and empathy. I feel sad to realize how quick people are to condemn women who resorted to a career that only pulls in women who have no proper protection or care from family.
PS. This post is less concerning me, but rather expressing the pain I feel for others….
Please pray for those who have lost hope, to those who have no protectors, to those who are suffering silently…..my heart cries for you.
Fun Fact: A lot of escorts/strippers and other kinds of sex workers have undergone plastic surgery and other cosmetic enhancements. It’s very common for an escort to have breast implants, lip injections, eyelash extensions, fake tans, fake hair, and depending on what part of the world you are in, a big fake ass.
My first day working in a brothel was mesmerizing. All the girls were done up glamourously. At least half had fake boobs, almost all had artificially plumped lips and hair extensions. And then walks in me, a shy 19 year old girl who has had nothing done.
And just over a decade later….it’s perhaps shocking that I haven’t had any surgery or enhancements yet. In fact, I’ve essentially had the same look during my entire career as escort. I will explain why later below..
Girls get enhancements because they want to be a fantasy girl for their clients (and prospective men/clients). One cannot deny that most men turn their heads or even may walk into a pole upon seeing a sexy woman, especially if she has breasts or a butt that are well accentuated. I have previously mentioned on my blog that clients come to see escorts as an “escape” from the stresses of real life. For many clients, their fantasy is to be with a woman who differs from the “everyday” woman. Escorts, for instance, dress up in high heels, lingerie, soft or full glam makeup, and, often with the help of plastic surgery, many escorts also have exaggerated feminine body parts.
Having said that, clients all have different versions of what makes the ideal ‘fantasy girl.’ Not everyone idealizes the stereotypical vixen look. Some clients are into natural or more ‘everyday’ looks in women. I had a client who once requested me to dress down into comfortable clothing rather than my usual lingerie and heels attire. Generally, all men have different tastes and desires. This means that women should, ideally, try to feel content being themselves rather than resorting to plastic surgery to conform to today’s beauty ideals.
I made a plethora of observations when I used to work in a brothel many years back. Usually 10-20 girls would stand in a line up and a client would pick a girl. I learnt that all sorts of women are desired for different reasons. Ladies with overt feminine assets, however, tended to be more popular in getting chosen in line ups. Endowed breasts, a beautiful face, a nice hair style, a nice bum and nice skin were traits that were frequently preferred. A pretty faced woman with small breasts or very petite frame could also do well. Sometimes assets like breast size were not as important to certain clients who had race preferences. For instance, men with “Asian fever” might have a preference for black hair and Asian facial features, or might prefer a certain race for cultural and social familiarity.
Many escorts believe if they had bigger lips, bigger boobs, and a smaller waist, for instance, they will attract more men. They make this assumption based off observing how men behaved in the presence of a sexy woman who had traits considered highly desirable. So these escorts decide to go under the knife and pay for other beauty enhancements to attract more male attention. These days, its almost the norm to see an escort who with breast implants, injected plump lips, heavy sultry makeup, and now, even fake butts and snatched waists from liposuction. Is it a good idea for escorts to get plastic surgery? Are you a woman thinking about plastic surgery? I will answer that later in this article…
And what about boring ol’ me?
I was 19 years old, and it was my first day working in an brothel. Shy and nervous, completely innocent. When I first walked in the ladies room, I was mesmerized by the girls who worked there. They all had designer handbags, long hair, lovely bodies, beautiful make up, healthy tans and pretty lingerie. For my first shift, I had prepared by buying a new pair of sexy clear high heels, a turquoise lace baby doll over a matching bra and thong. I felt completely unglamorous compared to the other girls. But once I dressed up, and went in my first line up, I was shocked that I, completely naive and clueless, was popular. I then realized how blessed I was to be naturally sexy. I was a fantasy girl. It took minimal effort for me to attract clients. It’s not that I was or am exceptionally beautiful. But I have exotic features, a buxom physique, a pretty face and an overall a “sexy” girl-next-door look. I have natural physical assets that other women sometimes pay for. I have big natural breasts and a bum. I am consider voluptuous, neither skinny nor fat.
Since then, I’ve maintained the same look and never felt a need so far to change anything drastically (that can change, however). While in escort mode, I have also maintained the same style. I wear tight, elegant lingerie with ample cleavage, sexy heels, do my nails, do sultry makeup. From a young age, I’ve always loved exotic women with a natural sexiness and often looked to them for inspiration. One of my favorite looks is Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn — dark red lips, dark hair, gold anklets and jewelry.
So is Sahar flawless? No. Like most people, I have physical flaws. My nose could be smaller, my waist could be smaller. I definitely have to be mindful of what I eat, as I gain weight easily. I am also aging in visible ways. Indeed, these flaws induce feelings of insecurities at times. But, for now, I am grateful for my flaws and see them as a positive rather than negative. Any naturally busty woman with some hips will have a bit of a tummy and thighs. Big natural breasts also cannot defy gravity and as such will sag a bit. In the Western world, many women are obsessed with perky boobs and flat tummies. If I did some nip/tuck, I might convince myself that I’ll attain some sort of ‘perfection.’ The thing is, I kind of like my flaws, such as my soft tummy. It matches my body, it makes everything look proportioned. I have had lovers and clients who adore my soft tummy and thick thighs. I had lovers/clients who said I look even sexier during the times I put on 10-15 lbs than my normal weight. I even learnt that some men with big natural boob fetishes are overjoyed with the natural sagging and stretch marks that often come with the package.
Throughout my career, I became curious as to what asset or trait, specifically, attracted my clients. I usually ask clients, “So, why did you come to see me? Are you into big boobs? Pretty Ethnic women? The whole package? Many do indeed come for my curvy assets, but there are many other reasons. Some men say they like the way I spoke, wrote and conducted myself on my website, as I seemed “sophisticated.” Some come because of my ethnicity — they like the beauty of women from a certain region. Some come for my feet, or perhaps services I offer, such as role-play or domination. Some even come just for the way I smell! I discovered a few clients are not even boob men, but said they love my face. But overall, most clients say they enjoy my personality. The point is, the true desirability of a woman is a combination of beauty and brains.
The bottom line is two things:
A woman is desirable for many things beyond her looks. Physical beauty is essential, but personality is crucial in keeping decent clientele returning.
No woman can ever be perfect and attract every man, period. Perfection does not exist. For one man, big boobs and ass is their ideal, but for another man, a less curvy slim woman is their ideal. Over all, most decent men seek to establish an emotional/mental connection in addition to physical attraction. Decent men know that there is much more to a woman than her bodily assets alone.
All women need to realize the most sexiest thing a woman can have is confidence. Confidence comes from feeling comfortable in your skin, and accepting yourself (flaws and all). What’s considered a “flaw” by one is considered beautiful by another. Beauty is all about perspective. As an escort, I have seen all sorts of women be desired for a variety reasons — confidence is always what has men coming back for more as a regular client. So the question remains…..
Should an Escort (or Any Woman) Get Plastic Surgery?
I am not against plastic surgery, but I am not an advocate for it either. It depends on the procedure one is getting and the reasonings for it.
What if the reason to get plastic surgery is vanity? Ideally, I’d advise against plastic surgery. I would advise one to work on their self-esteem, and stop comparing themselves to trends or people in society. A lot of the social media figures/models often do not even look like their own photos — there is a lot of deception on TV and on social media. Photoshop and Apps like Facetune can turn an average looking woman into a perfectly shaped hour glass model, and moreover conceal the scars/flaws/complications from plastic surgery. There are a lot of complications from plastic surgery and also long term, possibly dire, consequences. It’s also important to note that big businesses purposely wants people to dislike themselves and buy things to make them feel worthy (celebs and social media influencers get paid to endorse/push this narrative through advertising).
The reality is: A lot of escorts get work done under the assumption it will bring in more work ($$$). Indeed an escort isn’t wrong in wanting to invest into herself to get ahead, but is plastic surgery necessary in getting ahead? The question one needs to ask is this: will plastic surgery be good for her in the long term? I have mixed feelings about it, because I have seen many escorts get plastic surgery and due to their self esteem issues they end up attracting bad clients/partners (which is usually followed by a heavy partying lifestyle, more plastic surgery and the end result looking crazy). On the other hand, I have seen escorts who did moderate cosmetic work and were fine. And of course, a natural woman who takes care of herself can do well too.
Cosmetic alternations are very common these days. It’s due to living in a climate where women are under immense pressure to conform to unrealistic beauty standards. Many men also have become brainwashed through pop culture and porn to have unrealistic expectations of women.
Instead of plastic surgery, one can work on improving their self esteem by eating healthy, exercising and surrounding themselves with genuine, wholesome people. At the end of the day, people feel content when they feel loved and belong. Plastic surgery will not solve deeper issues of low self esteem and the need the be loved. Plastic surgery may give one attention, but it’s often attention from people who only care about superficial traits in other people. If one absolutely feels they must get cosmetic enhancements, then I can only suggest to be moderate. Everyone has the right to do what they like with their body. The importance is finding a balance between mind, body and soul.
Again, not all attention is good attention. Attention for being viewed as sexy is often shallow. In the long run, it’s not a great feeling to get attention solely for superficial things. Or maybe it’s just me. My soul craves depth, and I want to be seen as more than just a sex object.
Having plastic surgery as an escort WILL change the type of men/clients you attract.
When getting plastic surgery (depending on how extreme it is), an escort must realize their new look will change how men are attracted to them (and treat them). In escorting, there some clients do not like plastic surgery, some whom are indifferent to it, and then some who like it. Moderate plastic surgery that looks natural and proportioned is usually more acceptable among the diverse pool of men/clients. But excessive, overt plastic surgery (obvious breast implants, big fake lips, etc) are usually desired by the worst kind of men (aka dusty’s, creeps, fuckboys, soulless types). For the most part, decent men are not big fans of the extreme plastic look. And if they are do show interest, it’s for very shallow reasons (ie: a one-time-only curiosity).
In my “Types of Clients” post, I wrote about a type of client who has the “Madonna-Whore Complex.” This type of client goes for the ‘cosmetically enhanced barbie doll’ with very large breast implants, large lips, etc. He likes this type of woman because he preys on the low self-esteem that caused these women to turn themselves into sex dolls. He takes advantage of their poor self-worth and treats them like trash. He see’s them as the epitome of a whore, in a derogatory sense. He wants to fuck them aggressively and cares little for their comfort or needs. He usually fucks once, and then is onto the next. I have seen many pretty “barbie” types be treated very poorly men — these kind of women succeed in attracting shallow, naive or dusty men, but sadly deter (distance) themselves from meeting with wholesome, decent men. This happens because these women invest everything into their looks at the expense of developing a personality (personality is important for wholesome, decent men).
I feel sad for these kinds of girls, because as mentioned, they are magnets for men who literally see them as an object. These type of escorts unfortunately are usually lost women who became exploited by a pimp or were severely harmed by male lover. As an escort, they attract party clients (aka coke-heads), shallow types who want a temporary trophy, and aggressive men (the “Madonna-Whore Complex’ type). Often, these women end up doing a lot of party drugs to cope with the empty feeling of being extremely emotionally neglected — they are trapped in being the exaggerated fantasy woman and lost their true self in the process. This description is not intended to hate or judge these women –I worked with many of these girls and noticed these patterns and the clients they attracted. There is hope in all situations for all people. A woman who went down this route of extreme vanity can still heal from her pain and change the dynamics in her life.
In essence, any lady who is considering surgical enhancements needs to think about the physical, emotional and social consequences.
Ladies:What are your thoughts? Have you had work done? Would you or would you not promote plastic surgery?
“I wonder why we take from our women Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it’s time to kill for our women Time to heal our women, be real to our women And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies That will hate the ladies that make the babies” -Tupac, Keep Ya Head Up, 1993
The inspiration for this post came from meeting an unfortunate woman today whose story made my blood boil. It reminded me my own abuse experience and the experiences of so many women I’ve met. It is my duty to create awareness so that others don’t have to experience what we have gone through..
Anyone who comes from vulnerable circumstances (ie: broken, unstable or neglectful families, trauma) is, unfortunately, at a higher risk for exploitation. Almost all prostitutes come from difficult circumstances. These circumstances are the prime “push” factor that push us towards sex work. And sadly, these life experiences can also make us targets for predators. For me, I was lucky that I developed ‘thick skin’ from a young age and learnt to be resilient to indecent men. I previously had long term relationships with kind and caring men, and therefore I felt I had a good sense of judgement on others. But unfortunately, I was not immune and ended up in an abusive relationship which broke off early last year. In the aftermath, I asked many questions about how I allowed such a hostile person into my life. What made me overlook all the red flags? I had such strict standards for myself, how did I allow myself to settle for such horrible treatment? I realized that I was vulnerable, and I was exploited for it. I mistakenly thought that I was not vulnerable because I was strong minded and my own boss. The truth is: women are less safe when their only defender is themselves. In fact, anyone is less safe when they are left to fend for themselves, because humans by nature are meant to be social. An animal wandering off alone in the woods is at more risk of being attacked than one who wanders with their flock. The purpose of this post is to create awareness, which can help other women protect themselves and be more vigilant about who they let into their lives.
Disclaimer: I am NOT a feminist. I would never endorse the idea that ALL men are bad. Good men do exist indeed. But women need to be warned about the increasing phenomenon of certain men who’s intent is to harm and exploit women. For instance, there are popular men groups on the internet that discuss tactics of using women for the sole purpose of sex. In an age of internet anonymity and the breakdown of strong communities, it is easier for predators to exploit the vulnerable and not face any backlash.
Who is a Coward?
To exploit or harm another person is severe enough, but to harm or exploit a person in a vulnerable position makes one an utmost COWARD. A vulnerable person is one who has weak or little support from family and the wider society, and/or they are too young or physically weak to defend themselves. Vulnerability doe NOT mean one is weak-minded or submissive. I consider myself very strong and resilient, yet I was vulnerable in the sense that I only had myself to rely on for everything.
Cowardly abusers exploit for the very fact that their victims have no protectors. In other words, this kind of abuser likely won‘t dare to harm a woman who has a strong kin, because a strong kin would mean a Father, Uncles and Brothers would take justice if anyone tried to harm their womenfolk. In my experience, my abuser harmed me because he knew he would face no backlash from any male family members or any community. He wouldn’t do the same to a woman with a strong family backing, because he would be worried about ruining his public image. A great way to determine ones true character is to see how they treat others behind closed doors — a lot of people who appear “nice” in public can behave indecently in private (where they can’t get caught).
As my blog has highlighted in recent posts, I was in an abusive relationship. Even after an abusive relationship ends, the psychological effects of abuse linger. The following website quotes the experience of the aftermath of abuse:
After my experience, I came to realize that what happened to me is becoming common. Indeed there are people who simply make mistakes, feel remorse and actively change. But in some cases, including my own, there are people who can destroy or attempt to destroy the well being of others and have absolutely zero guilt or remorse.
Since my experience, I have crossed paths with other women whom also were exploited and abused by partners. As I came to know their stories, I realized that these women and myself lacked awareness of what healthy love meant. Our crime was having an open heart. I fear for any woman to experience what these women and I experienced, so it is my duty to warn others. I have seen suicide and lives ruined from abuse and exploitation that happens in the name of fraudulent love.
Today, my heart broke again and I was fuming with anger after I met a woman who has recently been separated from an abusive partner. I went to the masjid (an Islamic place of worship) and I reunited with Samia, a woman I hadn’t seen in nearly 6 years. In those 6 years, she had two beautiful children. The last time I saw her, she was optimistic, fresh-faced, hard-working at a great job and freshly converted to Islam. She is now divorced, on welfare, and emotionally destroyed from an abusive, garbage-excuse-of-a-human husband. Her eyes were swollen (likely from endless tears). I recognized those lost, sullen, terrified eyes that reminded me of the heart-broken women I met when I used to work in a brothel. When she told me her story, I realized her ex-husband was very similar to my abusive ex. A narcissistic abuser — used the same tactics of lovebombing, devaluation, psychological manipulation, and discard. And then she told me her story: she grew up in a broken home, an absent Father and emotionally absent family. As result, she grew up with a big heart yearning for love. She was exploited for her vulnerability. Her story is one that I see time and time again —- a vulnerable woman who just wants to be loved and feel secure (and sadly, she attracted a predator who exploited her loving heart).
Why is it that vulnerable women (or vulnerable people, in general) crave for love and belonging? That is because it’s a core basic need of the human condition. According to the renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow, a human must have their basic needs (see the diagram above) met before they can pursue their full-potential. After our physiological needs for food, water and sleep, a human needs to feel they belong to a group and feel loved and secure. When the basic need of wholesome love and belonging is not met, depression and despair is inevitable. As a result, many will resort to drugs and other vices to cope with this despair.
The good news is that difficult circumstances and experiences can be healed and mended. It takes a lot of patience, however. What’s crucial to improving ones life is getting support from wholesome people and gaining a sense of belonging. There is a beautiful metaphor that says we humans are all tulip buds, and we just need the right conditions to bloom (ie: enough water and sunlight). If one comes from difficult circumstances, then have hope that your outcomes can change as long as you fill your life with wholesome thingsthat can make you bloom.
Red Flags: Is he a Protector or Predator?
*Understand that “normal” individuals can be sociopaths (lack empathy) and be abusive behind closed doors: These days, modern day villains are not the scary-looking characters we see in fairy tales. They are often “normal” individuals found in everyday life. It may be the well-dressed guy at the nightclub who’s secret intent is to drug you or fill you with alcohol so that he can sexually exploit your lack of boundaries. It might be the everyday guy who gives “high fives” to his peers who brag about the women he’s slept with (or “ran a train on”). Sociopaths, as such, as everywhere. I would recommended one to always have their guard up and not to be trusting so easily. It takes a LONG time to really know someones character.
*Understand the Importance of Social Credentials: When meeting random people, it is crucial to obtain social references on that person. This is especially important when meeting random people that have no connection to ones own family or friend circle. In other words, its important that a person has people in the community that can vouch for that persons credibility. I ignored this when I was with my abusive ex. When I met my ex, I realized I knew no one else to speak on his behalf. He had no close friends at all. His acquaintances were always random people. He also changed jobs every year and therefore he had no consistency in anything. Those factors, alone, were red flags that I should have paid more attention too. The lesson to be learnt here is to make sure that anyone in your life has other friends or community members that can act as their social reference.
*Understand that abusers are often covert (secretive) addicts of something(ie: a covert drug addict or porn addict). Drug abuse not only numbs an individual to dealing with their emotions, but it also changes the brain chemistry in negative ways. As such, drug abuse often decreases the ability for one to feel empathy. Drug abuse also often means one has a poor sense of self-control and is, therefore, likely to be impulsive. Abusive addicts, in particular, chase highs, and often get bored with people because they are addicted to getting dopamine fixes. Tell tale signs of an abusive, covert drug addict include extreme mood swings, unstable emotions, anger, apathy, psychosis and physical withdrawal signs, such as intense night sweats.
*Understand what healthy love is, and that love is about action (not words): A person claiming to love you without showing it in their actions is a major red flag. Words are meaningless without action. There is a great film about a woman who was exploited by a so-called lover, which highlights the covert, manipulative ways men use ‘love’ to get sex from a woman. The film is called Wajma, An Afghan Love Story (Film is here on Youtube).
*Stay away from shallow people who objectify others and yourself: One of the most dehumanizing feelings is when someone looks at you as an object (where your mind is completely irrelevant). There are hurtful individuals out there who evaluate women in the most dehumanizing ways — whom are convinced a woman’s worth is based on her sexual organs and appearance. Even more sad is that many women with low self-esteem are pandering to these dehumanizing trends. My abusive ex tried really hard to break down my self-esteem by picking at my flaws. Despite I know my worth is much more than the external, I almost started to believe my inner qualities mattered less. When my abuser couldn’t crush my self-esteem, he then tried to crush my soul by manipulating my heart and emotions. Abusers are competitive, shallow and envious, which is yet another major red flag I ignored.
*Speak out and Don’t be Silent: Silence allows predators to thrive. Do whatever you can to ensure that an exploitative/abusive person cannot put others at risk. Call the police, inform members in the community — anything!
If you are a man who wants to help, then speak out against men who exploit women in overt and covert ways. Be an older, protective brother to women who don’t have the protection of brothers. Creeps are actually ruining things for decent men. How? When a woman is harmed by a predator, she is more likely to be guarded towards most men. She might be susceptible to feminist propaganda that will teach her to mistrust ALL men (and that’s not the answer). We need more wholesome unity, not disunity between men and women.
Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship:
Tupac’s Keep ya Head Up (1993), a power song in support of vulnerable women from difficult circumstances. Tupac represented a time when Hip Hop was about unity and positive growth. Whereas now, mainstream hip hop has been hijacked and is about destroying humanity, glamorizing evil and promoting sociopathy.
To my Dear Readers: What is your advice to young women and men? What is your experience with an abuser? What are some RED FLAGS for you? Please share your thoughts.
Readers: This post is about my abuser. His name is Sharmark Mohamoud of Vancouver and Surrey, BC, Canada. His IG is @no.capption. Outsiders need to know he has continuously harmed, abused and used me. In 2020, after several attempts of emailing me, writing on this blog, and contacting my work phone (from a private number), I caved in and let him speak. He claim he only wanted to apologize. But he manipulated himself back into my life, exploiting me again and repeating the same abuse as before. He did not change at all. Abusers do not change. I expose him now to hope that other women whom he may talk to are warned about whom he is. I have created a seperate blog that outlines some of the things he has done to me: sharmarkmohamoud.wordpress.com
I was called a whore today. It’s been a while since someone has called me a whore. The person who called me a whore was someone I had not met, but rather a a man who called to inquire about my escorting services… (story continues a few paragraphs below).
All sorts of men will contact a prostitute to inquire about her services. Some men have thoroughly read my ad and website, so when they contact me, they are ready to book. Then there are men who barely read my descriptions and contact me with questions about my services, rates, etc. I do not mind answering questions, and I am not offended when someone is just causally inquiring. When I talk to a prospective client, I get an indication of whether or not he is decent. I judge based on his demeanour, his manners, etc. The process is known as screening, the process of an escort filtering prospective clients (or in other words, filtering out the good from the bad clients)
Now, screening can be very annoying. This is because some men who contact escorts are just time wasters — or also complete low-lifes. They do things that annoy all escorts, such as asking for discounts, asking for risky services, whining why risky services are not offered, trying to flirt or talk sexual, asking for additional photos, booking then not showing up, etc. Good clients do not do these things — they are respectful, easy going and are straight forward. For an escort, a good sense of screening is, sadly, only learnt through trial and error. Which means every escort will encounter scum men in the screening process.
For this reason, I have a policy that prospective clients must either email or phone me. If they email, they will still need to eventually call me. Hearing someones voice gives off many cues to a persons’ persona — are they polite? Are they educated? Do they speak well?
A lot of men who contact escorts are low-lifes (pathetic excuses of men) — and they can usually be detected via their telephone etiquette. As mentioned, decent clients are very kind, respectful and straight forward. But lowlifes are all kinds of unpleasant. Whenever I answer my phone and there is a disgusting man on the other line, I politely say that I do not offer what they seek and say goodbye. Sometimes, when I hang up the phone with one, I cuss them out, “Idiot!” “Disgusting pervert!” I do not, however, cuss them out over the phone — no no.
But today I did. I answered the phone. It was not clear at first whether this man was a low-life or not, so I entertained his questions. First, he did not read anything on my ad, so he asked several questions — okay, fine. Then he asked if I provided a certain service and I said politely, “No, sorry I don’t offer that.” Then he started whining and said, “Why not? Listen, I am really good looking, do you think you can make an exception for me?” I rolled my eyes, “Like I said, I do not offer that, so maybe you will have better luck with another lady.” He then said I was rude. I was about to hang up, but I felt compelled to cuss him out. I never do that. I wasn’t even in a bad mood. “You’re shameless. Disgusting man — don’t you have any shame talking to a someone in such a dehumanizing way? Idiot!” Then I hung up. Just before I blocked his number, he instantly text me. I knew exactly what he was going to say, as any low-life would say when their fragile ego is tested. He text me, “YOU FUCKING WHORE!” “You are a whore!”
I laughed out loud. I almost wanted to reply, “Wow! Damn, right in the feels….how original! LOL!!!”But then I realized there was no point. I just blocked and deleted. And then I regretted my outburst. I don’t think it’s wise that any escort cusses out pathetic losers as such. Why?
So What Should An Escort Do?
In cases like the above, it’s best to do nothing. When creeps contact an escort, it is best to just politely say goodbye and do as I do (cuss them out in your head, have a good laugh and move on). Yes, it is extremely tempting to stand up for yourself and call out an indecent man for what he is: disgusting, dehumanizing, pathetic and creepy. But for an escort, a man who’s ego is so fragile can be potentially dangerous. He can retaliate. He can change his number and contact you again. He could do many things to try to book you under a different alias. He can harm you. It’s simply not worth it. There are some escort sites where ladies warn each other about bad-clients, by posting their phone numbers on a blacklist. This is one thing an escort can do — warn others. But again, creeps can change their number. In the case where there is severe harassment, then do contact the police or a local sex worker organization that helps with sex workers rights.
This post is meant to be part funny and part serious. I don’t actually care if I was called a whore — call me slut, hoe, thotiana, whatever…. I could care less about someone’s opinion of me in that sense. If anything, it tells me about how hateful and pathetic a person can be.
Times like these makes me nostalgic about my brothel days. In between seeing clients, girls (escorts) would all sit together and discuss how stupid and creepy some men are. We would laugh until it hurts. It’s also quite sad at the same time because it’s scary to know a LOT creepy, predatory-like men like this exist (men who might, for instance, behave differently behind closed doors).
Recommendation for Escorts: For any escorts who work alone, I recommend visiting a Reddit forum called Client Cringe or r/ClientCringe. It’s brilliant! It’s a place for escorts to discuss and post screenshots of the funny and cringe-worthy idiots who contact them.
**Big thank you to all the Respectful Men (Clients and non-clients) who respect escorts (and women, generally) and make our lives more humane **
To my Fellow Escorts & Readers: What sort of creeps have you encountered? What’s the funniest or oddest thing someone has said when contacting you? Please feel free to share your stories. Lastly, who do you tell when you have funny stories to share about your escorting life?
I have seen how prostitition has increased in the just-over-a-decade that I have been in the sex industry (I never ever imagined this would have been my life!). I became a prostitute a few years before the Internet Escort Craze began.At it’s peak in 2008/2009, the Craigslist Erotic listings truly changed the nature of the sex industry. Later, websites like Backpagewould also act as a popular medium for sex workers and clients to connect. I jumped on the Internet craze a bit late, starting in late 2010. In essence, I have witnessed a LOT of change in the sex industry from my early days until now. The pivotal change is how the Internet made sex work more easily attainable for both clients and sex workers. The Internet mediums for selling sex, in alignment with the 2008 economic recession, also led to an increased number of women joining the sex industry due to economic woes.
The Internet, however, increased negativity for women in the sex industry. More and more women were joining the sex industry, and yet standards within the sex industry became more degraded. The price of sex, for one, has barely increased in line with monetary inflation. Instead, the inflation of women has cheapened the price of sex. As a result, many sex workers have to truly lower their dignity and price to attract clients. When I began sex work just over a decade ago, there was no such thing as “quickies” as a high-class escort. Now, there are beautiful women who will do it all for much less. I feel deeply sad whenever I see escort ads — I had never heard of “15 minute specials” or things like “blow and go.” I can’t even look at those ads anymore without feeling immensely sad at what the lives must like of the women who post such ad’s. Moreover, it makes me sad (and scared) to imagine there are menwho will contribute to a woman’s worth being reduced to a quickie or “blow and go.”
In my case, I was able to maintain the same standards that I had from the beginning of my sex work days, thankfully. This is because I had the ability to work low-volume, or part-time. Most prostitutes don’t share my experience, however. Most are subjected to having less control over their bodies, which leads to severe emotional (and sometimes physical) trauma from their work. Despite all the sadness I have felt all these years, I cannot even dare to imagine the pain that most other prostitutes experience (again, my situation is not comparable to the majority).
Why is Prostitution Increasing?
The answer is:Society is increasingly losing it’s humanity. Inequality is increasing. Unhappy, stressed and overworked people are increasing. Relations between men and women are more conflicting. The family unit is decreasing. Wisdom/morality is decreasing. All of these social ills are related and are the result of a capitalistic world system based on consumerism (ie: $$$$$$$$$). When people are unhappy or stressed, most will resort to various outlets (drugs, sex, porn, food) to cope. Prostitutes fill a void for the men who visit them.
In times of increased stress, the demand for prostitutes will increase (this is the world we live in now).
For clients, prostitutes are an escape from a stressful work week, stressful responsibilities, etc. People, in general, are stressed more so than ever before in history, and thus there is an increased demand for escapism (the sex industry is one form of escapism for men). Are prostitutes a healthy outlet for escapism? There is no simple answer, because men visit prostitutes for a wide variety of reasons and at different frequencies. In essence, the demand has risen, and thus the supply (prostitutes) has increased.
I have traveled quite a bit of the world, thankfully. From my travels and my anthropological studies, I observed that only certain societies can allow prostitution to thrive. Despite prostitition being “the oldest profession in the world,” not all societies in the past had the conditions for prostitution to occur. Historically, more simplistic societies with a strong emphasis on kin/family had no reason for women to prostitute themselves. Many simple societies had little sense of individualism, so therefore it would be extremely rare for an individual to be neglected and left on their own to care for themselves. A woman is prone to become a prostitute in a context where she is neglected in some form and left to fend for herself —- such a phenomena can only occur in the society that has the conditions where exploitation and inequality can occur. In the current global context, a woman has very little security to protect her well-being and thus many can be easily ‘pushed’ into sex work. It’s an unfortunate reality.
I live in a city where there is a high ratio of women who are in the sex industry in some shape or form.
I remember sitting on a train a few years ago, and I overheard two college girls casually discussing sugar daddies. One girl was telling her peer that she really needs to considering getting a sugar daddie online to help pay her bills. Both girls looked like completely normal, typical college girls. It was a shocking realization for me, because when I was a teen I would never imagine “normal” girls casually discussing schemes on making money by through sex. But clearly I was out of the loop, because THINGS HAVE CHANGED. When I was 16 years old, I had no idea what an escort was! But nowadays, young ‘normal’ girls know all about the sex industry — they know (thanks to music and social media) that a viable option for them is to became an escort, cam girl, sugar baby, stripper, or porn actress. Now, the sex industry has become normalized. It’s even glamorized (for the dark purpose of indirectly trafficking more girls into sex work).
Hip Hop, Social Media & the Entertainment Industry is Making Prostitution ‘Cool’
Celebrities like Amber Rose are promoting apparel that tells women to proudly say they are a “hoe” or “slut.”
“You’re such a fucking HOE, I love it!”
— Kanye West and Lil Pump in ‘I love It’
“Fuck him and I get some money. Yah! Fuck him then I get some money…”
– Cardi B with G-Eazy in ‘No Limit’
THE NEW PIMPS are popular music entertainers and other celebrities:
They hook their viewers by telling them it’s fun to take drugs (smoke a lil weed to dumb and numb them down ), which then weakens and makes the victim complicit in their exploitation.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a young man or woman these days (mind you, I am talking as if I am super old…..I am an old soul!). Young minds are so impressionable. A young girl these days faces tremendous pressure from the most soulless, superficial role models. The most popular music ‘artists’ are ones promoting women to literally hate their natural selves. They glamorize a woman’s worth based on her ability to be being a sex object. This kind of objectification was around when I was a teenager too, but it was not to the extreme that it is today. When I was a teen, there was NEVER any popular music that was openly telling me to sell my body as a prostitute. I was in my late teens when I entered sex work and I had literally no idea of what I was getting into. But nowadays, things are much different. Young girls may already know about escorting or sugaring as a career option due to sex work becoming mainstream. Instead of the traditional pimps, celebrities are the new pimps, telling women to become sex workers, to be petty. And now, many women are actually doing it since it has become so mainstream (escorts, strippers, porn actresses, cam girls, etc). Women will have less hesitation to join the sex industry when it is NORMALIZED and ENCOURAGED by pop culture. It’s truly heart breaking, because these women are led to believe lies of empowerment and happiness through false propaganda. Even some escorts will pimp out other women by selling the false image of a luxurious lifestyle. What women are not told about are the consequences of living such a life, and moreover how materialism only creates a VERY short-lived sense of fulfilment. No woman feels empowered when she is treated like an object (where her inner qualities are rejected or ignored). There is short term joy for newbies to the sex industry, but the long term consequences always contain harm, exploitation and psychological distress. As mentioned, almost all sex workers will resort to drugs, drinking, and other harmful habits to cope with the lack of wholesome love that led them into sex work.
Given that the Internet explosion of sex work is still relatively new, it will be very interesting to observe the long term effects of this new attempt at making sex work ‘cool’ and ‘trendy.’
**For any of my readers unfamiliar with street slang, a “hoe” is the same derogatory meaning as a whore, slut or prostitute.
Dear Readers: What do you think? Have you, too, also noticed the expansion of the sex industry? Are there any things that influenced you to the sex industry?
Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end
Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end
It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish
To wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
Having hope hurt her. She should have never dreamt of something that could never be. But she was human, with a yearning heart, so she dared to dream. And it killed her. Like her, I realized that I almost became foolish enough to dream. But I stopped myself, because I remembered something I learnt when I was around 17 years old: When one doesn’t hope or dream for anything, then they cannot feel disappointed. I forgot about this, and I fooled myself. Dreaming is dangerous.
After her death, we found her cell phone. It was locked with a password. Others tried to open it with no luck at guessing the password. Then I tried, and my first guess at her password was a word that bled through out all of her art and writings, so I typed L-O-V-E, and her phone unlocked. The irony is that love had hurt her — false love, that is. The demons in society know very well that humans crave love and belonging, so they play with people’s vulnerabilities and masquerade as ‘love.’ Beware dear kind souls, keep your guard up.
Rest in Peace to the Angel who once dreamed.
إِنَّا للهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ
An 19th Century Courtesan’s ode to fellow Prostitutes:
“My poor, simple prostitutes! Never entertain the false hope that any man will love you with a true heart. The lover who gives his body and soul to you will depart in a few days. He will never settle down with you, and you are not even worthy of that. Only the virtuous, who see one face and never turn to another, will have the pleasure of true love. You women of the street, will never find such a blessing from God. What was to happen to me happened. I am resigned to this and have fulfilled all my wishes. I have no desires left, though desire is a curse that never leaves you till your dying day.”
–Umrao Jan Ada, (From her biography “Umrao Jan Ada” by Ruswa, 1899)
To hope for nothing is not to be hopeless. One must look at life from both sides. Joy requires pain. Dark requires light. Night requires day….. All stages matter.
“It’s life’s illusions I recall….I really don’t know life…I really don’t know life at all.”
-From the masterpiece song below:
Comments Off on To Hope for Nothing, To Wish for Nothing
Clients come to prostitutes for a variety of reasons. Most come to escape the world, to get comfort, pleasure — to feel intimacy.
The heavenly comfort of resting on the lap of a nurturing woman…
Clients come to Comfort Women(prostitutes) to escape the harsh realities of daily life. For clients, prostitutes are appealing because we are (ideally) a soothing, pleasurable fantasy that men can retreat too at their convenience. For the most part, we dress up and act/behave our best while with clients.
For men whom have some money to spare, they have the option to pay for comfort with a prostitute. It is, for the most part, a one sided comfort that only benefits the client. And what about the prostitute?
The reality is that most prostitutes do not have a healthy outlet to find comfort. Furthermore, most prostitutes do not derive pleasure/comfort from their encounters with clients. Most are, in fact, repulsed by intimacy with strange men (of course, they will conceal their displeasure). So for many years, I used to think about this: clients come to us for comfort, but..
Where do prostitutes go to escape the harsh realities of their lives?
The answer is:there is no safe haven or outlet that any prostitute can retreat too. As a result, most prostitutes escape and cope with life with very unhealthy habits: drugs, alcohol, excessive materialism, unhealthy relationships, seeking sexual attention from strangers to validate their self-worth. What prostitutes need is wholesome care/love.Wholesome love is the only thing that has the potential to soothe/comfort her (in the form of family, friends or spouse — and above all, spirituality (Allah, for me, as a Muslim). Love, however, is not something that can be purchased nor easily attained. Moreover, love can be something so strange and conflicting for a prostitute. It’s not easy to welcome love into one’s life or even give love when one comes from a traumatic past or is experiencing PTSD (something most prostitutes endure knowingly or not).
A Problem With No Solution
Society did not make a wholesome outlet nor alternative for prostitutes. Instead, we are silenced and often have no one to listen to us. Even if there was an outlet, we often fear to disclose our personal thoughts. We know society jokes about how “hoes” ain’t worthy of respect, we know society shuns us. We know that if we make one mistake, it will be thrown back into our face that we are simply just whores. In essence, we have no wholesome place to go for comfort. Love is the only outlet that can soothe us, yet ironically, a prostitute is very much a fool to hope or dream for love.
Sex as a Coping Mechanism?
In my personal experience (which is definitely not the experience of most prostitutes), I also adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms. Physical intimacy, as one example, became my escape from the realities of life. Intimacy and passion seemed to make all the stresses of the world minimize. Although I stay away from drugs and alcohol, my erotic coping mechanisms were not much better. I had a very poor sense of discipline and limits. I am now understanding and applying the value of discipline. I have come to realize that an undisciplined life based off one’s desires/passions comes with negative consequences. Let’s not forget that many clients who seek to escape with prostitutes, for instance, are often married and thereby harming the well-being of their spouse. A brilliant quote has stuck with me as I grow older and am making more sense of the world:
“The exhaustion of the passions is the beginning of wisdom”
-Lost Horizon, 1937, James Hilton
Bless The Hearts of Good Clients
A reader of mine is adamant that all men who see prostitutes are inherently bad. This is not true. I could never say all clients are X — there is too much diversity in clients. Not all clients want to just fuck a woman like an object and go ‘high-five’ their soulless peers after. Yes, there are a lot of soulless, perverted men who are clients of prostitutes. Yet there are also ones with genuine souls.
Good clients are ones who have empathy. They think about the well being of prostitutes. Rather than just take take take, they want to understand, give and act respectful. These are the clients who adore the escort they see, whom put her comfort and dignity above everything — who don’t just see her as a sexual object. Yes, some even literally bow at her feet in servitude. For me, I feel grateful I have known many kind-hearted clients who literally serviced me, and allowed me to escape and relax — they massaged me, they listened to me, they comforted me. So indeed, in some cases, the feeling of escapism can be mutual with clients.
“Traumatic events, by definition, overwhelm our ability to cope”
-Susan Pease Banitt (The Trauma Toolkit)
Dear Prostitutes & Readers: What Comforts You? How do you Cope? What do you think could help you?
Dear Readers, this post is very hard to write about. I am not sure I will keep it. The intention in writing this is to bring awareness. It is to help others who might be suffering — maybe they can learn from my pain. Abuse is not always obvious, which is why many survivors will endure years of abuse until they take action of leaving the situation for good.
To anyone who has been subjected to abuse, please know that: You can heal. You are already perfect as you are. You are not alone in your suffering. Healthy love and kind people do exist and you are worthy of it. What happened was meant to happen and the goodness of why that happened will be realized later. Have patience. Be easy with yourself. Don’t give up.
The above photo is from director Deepa Mehta’s Videsh (Heaven on Earth, 2008). A poetic film that portrays a young woman’s experience of domestic violence.
Idealize, Devalue, Discard
I was in denial. Sure, I had heard about the abusive cycle, but it didn’t occur to me that I was experiencing it. In the aftermath, it all makes sense now. With him, I experienced the narcissistic abusive cycle (idealize, devalue, discard) multiple times over the past 3 years. In other words, multiple times in three years he would come back to me after discarding me, and would declare he was now ready to be serious, he was sorry for his past behavior and he was madly in love with me. The pattern became predictable towards the end. Our ending itself proved everything that I came to suspect towards the end — that he is abusive, he does lack complete empathy and therefore, there was never any love at all.
A Short Summary of My Experience:
In the beginning, he mirrored my personality so I would find commonality in him. He would love-bomb me with affection to make me feel we had something special and shared endless commonalities. He seemed intellectual, he seemed cultured, he seemed non-conformist and uninterested by typical trends in Western pop-culture. Looking back in retrospect, it was a lie and a tactic for him to make me feel he was someone I would find interesting. I would have never liked him nor welcomed him in my life if I saw his true persona beneath the mask he put on.
Then once ‘in love’, his actions shifted dramatically. This was the devaluation stage. In an abusive relationship, this shift occurs because the abuser got what they wanted from the “love” stage. For my ex, having a woman fall in love with him fuelled his fragile ego and filled him with confidence, but sadly not in a wholesome way. I now know that he, a narcissistic abuser, is incapable of reciprocating love in a wholesome form — they are only looking to benefit themselves. After the ‘ideal’ stage, his abuse always started off subtle, eventually becoming more severe and obvious. Abuse, anger, threats, intimidation, lies, hypocrisy, projection.
Now, the irony is, I am not a submissive type at all. I consider myself quite resilient and intolerant to being mistreated. However, my ex abuser really had me confused, and I later realized this was a very common experience among other abuse recipients. When the abuse gets severe during the devaluation stage, an abuser will throw in breadcrumbs of affection/kindness to confuse their partner. The purpose of doing that is to excuse the abuse that occurred, and also to instil hope that the abuser has good intentions after all. During these tiny moments of kindness, the abuser will do things such as future-faking, which could be promises of marriage, declarations of ‘true love’ or the infamous, “I promise I will get help and change.”
It was always at the times when I was convinced my ex was being abusive where he would throw in his speckles of kindness and affection. I recall a day when my ex and I had a public altercation, which led me to break down in tears and hurry to go back to my home. We went to my home together. Once back at my home, his previous hostile attitude turned soft. While I was crying and rather traumatized, he began apologizing and caressing me lovingly. He then started trying to pleasure me in erotic ways while I was in that traumatized state. It was extremely strange and confusing, but I wanted to believe that he was sincere and really cared. I accepted his apology. The next day he raged at me in anger, screaming at me that I had the audacity to break down in public, run away from him and “cause a scene.”
Reacting to the abuse and defending myself was a way he could manipulate things and blame me. I had never been with an abusive man before, so I would defend myself and say often, “Men who truly love a woman do not behave this way.” He would then break down and say I am attacking his manhood by comparing him to all the other men I had — I felt really guilty for making him feel that way. Defending myself always resulted in me apologizing to him for causing him distress. I made excuses and justified his abuse — he, himself, admitted he mistreated me, yet he later would justify it because I was “a prostitute” or because I reacted ‘crazy’ in response to his abuse. Back then I didn’t realize this was his tactic of gaslighting (psychological manipulation). Gaslighting was a way for him to deflect from the fact that he was abusing me.
At the discard stage, like a typical abuser, his attitude towards me became the exact opposite of the Idealize stage. The “I love you for you are and I don’t care that you are prostitute and have had every man in the world! I want to be with you for the rest of my life” reverts to “You are a whore and you will never change. I can’t trust a woman like you. Go back to whoring yourself.”By the discard stage, I was always partially destroyed by his endless campaign of devaluation — it harmed me not just emotionally, but I would physically begin to feel unwell. At that point, an abusive narcissist see’s their partner as useless, so they usually discard their partner or treat them incredibly cruel so the partner walks away themselves. The reason for this is because the abuser needs new supply to fuel his ego– a destroyed lover is useless for his ego that constantly needs inflating — so as such he will seek out a new supply (a person) to idealize.
Why Did I Take Him Back?
I had empathy and patience for his “I will change” declarations. He was very convincing in the love-bombing stages where he went to all lengths to convince me to take him back. He would send me money to prove he was serious in caring for me. Beautiful flowers. Sweet words. He apparently wrote poetry about us. I foolishly believed his declarations of love and his “we are soulmates” claims. But more than anything, I had hope in who he claimed to be as a person. He told me he suffered from severe anxiety and other mental health issues, which made me want to help him and not give up on him. I believed that he was sincere deep down, and I thought his own pain would make him a better person in the long run. I didn’t want to believe that he lacked empathy. It was only until his repetitive abusive patterns became so apparent and destructive that his mask truly came off. Everything was a lie. Words truly mean nothing. The entire three years was a fraud. There was NO love at all. His intent was to destroy the confidence and strength I built for myself, which he lacked and craved.
Why Did He Gain?
For a sociopath, the gain is sex, power and ego. They wallow in self-hatrid. The sad part is a sociopath cannot overcome their insecurities. It is normal to have low self-esteem and insecurities — but there are wholesome ways to gain confidence. I knew my ex was insecure, which is why I loved him and wanted to care for him. I thought he was simply a product of his circumstances and was battling to be become a better person in a healthy way. I thought loving him and showing my affection would help him. This simply never worked because he was devoid of emotion. He was incapable of introspection, incapable of empathy. His true character was hidden, so I fooled myself in the end by thinking compassion could cure him. Normal people do not destroy others to fuel their self-worth. His love-bombing tactics were all a ploy to get me to lower my guard and trust him again, which would make me consent to giving my body for love. Falsely claiming love and promising a woman a future (security) to get sex is an utmost cowardly act.
Hypervigilance.Fearing to trust anyone. Depression. Stress. Wounded. The negative physical effects of emotional trauma and pain. What a woman should feel the most excited for is now something that fills her with fear and pain.
I worry more about other women that experienced what I went through. What is the fate of women who have been harmed and whom cannot cope without numbing their pain? How many women react in self-destructive ways in response to being harmed by an abuser? How many women blame themselves for the abuse they endured and believe that they were “not good enough?” The truth is many abused women are not coping. Most abused women I met suffered severely from being harmed by others. Many develop a very poor self-image and self -esteem. Often, they get plastic surgery or take drastic cosmetic measures to appear more superficially beautiful. They end up attracting the same type of shallow, unempathtic, conformist jerk. In some extreme cases, some women will seek revenge on all men, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. So how does one cope with just feeling the pain raw? The answer is: invest in your SOUL. Take care of your soul. Your soul is a garden that needs proper care and nourishment. It takes time, it will hurt, but you will heal.
For any male reader — if you are wondering why some women are starting to view ALL men with fear and mistrust, ask yourself WHY did she become this way? I completely denounce Feminism, because indeed good and decent men do exist. However, the abusers are giving decent men a bad name. It is time for MEN to start calling out indecent men who think it’s “cool” to brag about the number of women they’ve slept with or discarded like an object (which is essentially bragging about exploitation and abuse). The normalization of sociopathy and soulless attitudes needs to be exposed. Silence only allows harm to continue, which, in the end, hurts everyone in society.
Many years ago I used to work with other escorts. I noticed a sad phenomenon that, back then, made no sense to me. Many escorts I met were in relationships with abusive men — pimps and/or controlling, manipulative, abusive jerks, for lack of a better word. I used to feel sad for these women, and I couldn’t understand, “Why do these girls stay with men who treat them bad?” Back then, I felt lucky that my partners were very loving and compassionate men.
But now, I understand those women. I understand why they resorted to drugs and other harmful means of numbing — they were hurt and in pain. I understand why they tolerated abuse — trauma bonding. I understand why so many went from vibrant souls to empty shells — depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyper vigilance (ie: fearing to trust anyone).
I understand now the behavior of so many fellow escorts I used to know. I remember my sweet former escort friend ‘Parisa’ who was once a vibrant flower. After many months of absence, she came back to the brothel. She was no longer the vibrant flower — her eyes, once alive and filled with life, clearly indicated she was broken. She told us girls that she ended things with an abusive ex. I remember when she broke down at the brothel in tears, when she began drinking excessively to numb the pain, when she broke down and confessed how she was suicidal. Broken women — these are the women who find themselves in prostitution. And then to think there are some (not all) men who brag about how they ‘conquer’ prostitutes as if we are objects to be claimed — soulless demons.
I now realize — the last three years of my life I became one of those girls — I was with an abusive man. I justified the abuse. I made excuses for his abuse. Very typically, I believed things would get better. I blamed myself for defending myself. I thought his apologies would eventually become sincere.
During the painful ending, earlier this year, my ex abuser was completely unmasked. I feel disgusted and completely violated at realizing whom he truly was. Since his recent abusive episode which resulted in our ending, he has since attempted to repeat the whole cycle of abuse again – -apologizing, telling me he will change, pretending to care about my well-being. No more. The mask is off. The pattern of his abuse taught me that whenever I began to heal, he wanted to reappear in my life only to break me down again. Nothing fuelled his ego more than breaking down a strong, resilient woman like myself by exploiting her biggest strength: my heart.
In my religion, Islam, we have a saying for all situations that occur in life — we are thankful always in all circumstances (good or bad). We say “Praise to the Creator” Alhamdulillah. This was my fate, and I know this happened for the best of reasons. Allah deals justly. SubhanAllah.
That’s Not Love
Love is imperfect in the beautiful sense that it has ups and downs —but love is certainly not abuse. Love is not supposed to harm. Love is uplifting and gives a sense of tranquility. Sadly, as noted in my blog, we live in a world where love is now grossly abused. The reasons are complex, and I hope to elaborate on this topic in further posts (ie: How Porn has dehumanized women and enabled the normalization of exploitation).
Resources for those Being Abused
The following books “Why Does He do That” and “Psychopath Free” provide great clarity to very traumatic and confusing abusive relationships. It can also help one refrain from going back to an abuser by explaining their false tactics of idealization, or guilt-tripping.
Great Explanation on Narcissism (starts at 1:13):
For my dear fellow prostitutes or readers, please feel free to share any experiences you have had with individuals who violated, abused or conned you. How did you heal or cope? Or did you heal at all?
"The world (the outsiders) pushes us away. And the outsiders, they are our clients. On the outside people are disgusted by us (prostitutes), but in here (in secret) they love us and they love our bodies."