A man who is not emotionally secure will never marry a prostitute (knowingly, that is). Why? He is too busy to ponder deeply about prostitutes, or the plight of downtrodden people, generally. In other words, a man without empathy could not understand a prostitutes plight. He would be afraid to be associated with people outside the realm of normal. He would be focused on keeping up appearances. He will be too concerned about what his family thinks. He would be too afraid of what others might say. This “normal” man is likely to be a “great” client to a prostitute, but he will never marry a prostitute. He may love her, lust for her and cheat on his wife with a prostitute, but he will never swim against the tide to give a prostitute the full dignity of marriage. (**Mind you, not all prostitutes desire or want marriage at all, or with such a person**)
The only case where this “normal” man would marry a prostitute is if her past is unknown (kept a secret). Some prostitutes do hide their past and revert back into normative society.
Who Marries a Prostitute?
A prostitute will attract a lot of men whom are not good for her: weirdos, creeps. Men with unwholesome lifestyles and intentions (ie: swingers, players, pimps, predators/abusers). A prostitute should never associate with these sort of men (but sadly, prostitutes often do get in relations with such individuals due to being naive or getting ‘finessed’). Aside from the unwholesome, there are some decent men who marry prostitutes.
Wajid Ali Shah (d. 1887), last ruler of Lucknow, married a courtesan.
There are good kinds of men who will marry a prostitute. But these kind of men are rare. They are rare because most people, generally, are too afraid to go against societal norms. It’s understandable — life is much easier when one sticks to what the majority does. After all, prostitutes are heavily stigmatized and hated by wider society. Only a man with an immensely solid self-esteem and high emotional intellect can overlook all the stigma and realize prostitute’s humanity.
The good man for a prostitute *might* be normal looking/acting. But deep down, he will be immensely unique. He will possess empathy for others. He is one who dismisses and/or critiques societal norms that negate wholeness or humanity. In other words, this kind of man is deep and highly moral. He may have been broken himself, which is why he has depth and a deeper understanding of life. He won’t care what society thinks (marrying a prostitute), because he knows the value of humanity over ego. He will fight to protect his beloved. Once again, he might look like one of the “normal” men with the conventional lifestyle, but deep down he is much more unconventional. Of course, a lot of prostitutes like myself are also quite “normal” acting, but are rather unconventional behind closed doors.
Depiction of a “True Lover” in Film: Water (2005)
Water (Director: Deepa Mehta, 2005)
In the film Water (2005), the character Narayan, played by John Abraham, is the epitome of an empathetic, true lover. The character Narayan came from a “normal” upper class family. Compared to his peers, who could care less about the well-being of prostitutes and can easily reduce a prostitute to “she’s just a whore,” Narayan was different. He was disturbed by the inhumane, cruel norms within Indian society. Thus, he became an activist, and lived out his activism through action. He fell in love with a young widow, who was prostituting herself to survive. Despite he knew his Mother’s disapproval, he was confident in his decision to marry a widow (a deeply stigmatized “undesirable” woman for marriage in pre-Modern Hindu society). He was confident because he knew he was doing the right thing.
The most powerful part of the film is when Kalyani, the widowed prostitute, bares her soul and makes herself extremely vulnerable. Kaylani was expecting to be rejected for exposing herself (ie: loss of her physical beauty, and exposing herself as a stigmatized woman). But despite that, Narayan looks at her and says, “I love you even more now,” and made preparations to marry her. His powerful action symbolized true love — a man who loves their beloved in any condition. He was swimming against the tide, and yet he remained determined. That scene always makes me cry, as such love is only imaginable.
Prostitutes Relationships with Drug Dealers & Gangsters
Aside from creeps and good men, prostitutes commonly bond with men whom are involved in the underworld, or the illegal trade economy. These men are drug dealers, gang members, or are somehow involved in the black market economy. While a lot of gangster-type of men fall into the ‘creep’ category and are harmful for prostitutes, some of them, ironically, are actually caring, loving, protective and loyal. Class is also a factor — there are different classes of gangsters just as there are different classes of sex workers. For instance, some high class prostitutes associate with high ranking gangsters/mafia (I, personally, avoid mingling with such people due to lack of common interests).
Why do Prostitutes often form Relationships with Drug Dealers and Gangsters?
Both come from similar backgrounds of childhood neglect, broken homes, and/or poverty, etc. They find commonality and comfort in their shared experience of trauma and being ostracized (outcasted) from ‘polite’ society. Drug dealers and gangsters are less likely to care what society considers a “proper” wife, and this is because they have less family input into their lives or their families are less concerned about keeping up appearances. Vice versa. There are indeed a lot of scum who are drug dealers (ie: those who do it to floss (ego and fame), and/or ones who pimp and exploit women into the sex industry). But not all gangsters are the same — some are vehemently against that and are protective of women. The “good” gangsters are in the game due to circumstances, and they often want out of that life (very much like most prostitutes).
Over the years, I have occasionally come across these kind of men as clients. Strangely enough, I often felt chemistry or somewhat connected to clients whom were affiliated to the underworld (the kind whom are low-key, sophisticated and un-flashy). The ones I liked were generous and took pride in caring for and protecting women. They were also emotionally deep, and we had a lot in common in terms of struggles and coming from dysfunctional family backgrounds. One, in particular, that I connected with was a man who left the illegal life behind. He told me he had spent time in prison when he was younger and “foolish.” When he got out, he changed his ways and made a better life for himself. We spoke about our broken families and circumstances, and somehow, it made things more passionate. Something about pain is erotic — people who come from pain sometimes express their passion with more intensity. At the same time, anyone who has been through struggle is often dealing with un-healed trauma, which is hazardous for a healthy relationship. I purposely avoided getting serious with gangsters for this reason, but also because they were outside my Islamic criteria and personal interests.
Dear Readers: What is your take on this topic? Would you marry a prostitute? For Sex Workers, what sort of man would you marry? Are you married to a prostitute? Are you are prostitute who is married? Share your experience!