An escorts’ contact details are public, which means anyone can contact her — anyone (the good, the bad and the ugly). This is why screening potential clients is crucial for an escorts safety and well-being — to sift the gems from the dirt.
An escort should always speak to a potential client on the phone first. I will not respond to a text message from someone I haven’t met before. I ignore all text messages (if you cannot call me from a verifiable phone number, then that’s a red flag in itself). Private numbers should be rejected. All internet-generated phone calls from throwaway phone numbers should be rejected too.
Decent clients are straight forward and easy going when booking an appointment with an escort for the first time. Decent clients are respectful, polite, and ask only a few relevant questions (whilst remaining professional).
Indecent clients (stingy, disrespectful, creepy, exploitative, abusive clients) will give off subtle characteristics when speaking on the phone. Sometimes it’s not so easy to tell that the caller is indecent or a time waster — an indecent man may speak well and be affluent. Likewise, there could be a caller who speaks less refined or has a “village” accent who might be a very sweet and generous client. The following list below are some of my observations of who is a potential bad client or time waster.
Red Flags when Screening a Client:
In all of the following scenarios, the caller should be avoided and blocked.
Arrogant – A caller who lets you know how “nice” he is or how “good looking” he is. This can also include sending you his selfie or “dick” pic, thinking it may entice the escort (newsflash, it doesn’t).
Sometimes, a callers arrogance is hidden initially. Once, a man named Mr. J called me and he sounded very kind and polite over the phone. I gave him permission to text me since we already spoke on the phone — I allow texting only for the purpose of arranging an appointment. This client then started to ask personal questions, and then even stated how he is “endowed” and “good looking” —- that’s supposed to impress me how exactly?? For one, looks are highly SUBJECTIVE, and secondly, a larger penis with poor character does NOT translate to pleasure. Superficial qualities, alone, do not entice me at all. If anything, arrogance is a complete turn off (and red flag). Financial generosity, selflessness, and utmost respect are things that entice an escort. Superficial traits, in addition to those qualities, are a bonus . I wanted to tell Mr. J that, but as I will mention later, there is NO point to vent your annoyances to a stranger. Just dismiss and ignore.
A good life lesson I have learn is that: a genuinely decent person never has to convince others that they are great (in order words, a person with substance does not brag or boast about themselves — decent folks are humble). On the other hand, an arrogant person will feel a need to boast about themselves (or what they have), which stems from low self-esteem, narcissism, and insecurity.
An arrogant caller may also say they will give you a lot of money or make up some elaborate story about their wealth — but it’s only talk. A complete stranger making financial promises to someone he has never met is a farce. Never trust words, trust actions only.
Asking for Discounts– A stingy client is most likely to be annoying, exploitative and disrespectful.
A Time Waster – Contacting you for months/years on end periodically, and never booking. This type may enjoy wasting your time or have no intention to ever book. They are looking to talk/chat with someone for free. They will try to induce a personal conversation about other things unrelated to an appointment (ie: trying to get to “know you” before you even met). So once this pattern is detected, block
Talking sexually– As mentioned, it is okay to ask a basic question that is conducted in a respectful manner. For instance, “What are your measurements?” “Do you allow *insert intimate act here*?” That is fine. But if the question goes anything beyond that, it is a red flag of a bad client. Asking personal sexual details and speaking sexually explicit is not acceptable. A called once asked me, “Tell me, what makes you cum? What turns you on?” Red flag — why would I want to share my sexual views with a man I have never met and who hasn’t paid me? I was firm and said, “I do not answer such questions, because I have never met you and my experience varies with each person.” He accepted my answer, and had the chance to redeem himself. But, instead, he tried to talk sexually explicit with me further. I blocked and deleted. Talking sexually to an escort when trying to book her shows blatant indecency and disrespect. Just because I sell my body you think it’s okay to talk sexually explicit to me? No. The aim of this type of caller is to “get off” for free by calling an escort — it’s simply pathetic and creepy.
Asking endless questions and talking too much. It is certainly okay to ask a few questions, but the questions should be relevant, polite and professional. “Do you provide kissing?” If the questions are becoming sexual, then the person is likely wasting your time and trying to “get off” for free. A caller who is also asking very personal question is to be avoided. Asking, “Oh, you’re not free? Why? Is that because you have other clients already booked?” –that is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Never explain your personal things to a client whom you have never met. Dismiss them right away and block. A decent potential client will keep a phone call brief to arrange the appointment.
Asking you to advertise yourself over the phone: An escort already has an advertisement that describes herself, so there is no need to “sell” yourself over the phone and “convince” a potential client to meet you (waste of your own energy and time). Cheap men are fussy and worried about spending their money on an escort and having a bad experience — whereas a decent client is less worried about giving his money to an escort.
Asking for an extremely detailed session: (waste of time, weirdo, entitled).
Calling you from an unclear line(meaning it’s from an internet phone number), or speaking on speakerphone or calling when around multiple people in the background).
Calling you at odd hours of the day/night. If someone is calling you after midnight, it means they party or they think you party (ie: do drugs).
Booking, then not showing up. The caller doesn’t have any sense of respect or courtesy towards you, which is a clear indication of whom they are as a person (rubbish).
Asking for more photos or a video call. Again, an escort already has photos and a description, in her advertisement. Therefore you do not need to convince a potential client with by showing more photos — this caller is just wasting your time and trying to get free content from you.
Asking for risky or degrading services. If anyone asks for uncovered sexual acts, or painful sexual acts to be performed on you, it’s a major red flag. This includes a caller asking if they can dominate you — usually it’s an abusive man masking their abusiveness with being “dominant” and seeking a “submissive” escort.
How to react to INDECENT MEN whom call you?
Sadly, the best solution is to do nothing at all. The main reason an escort should not react is because indecent men tend to be cowards and will take revenge in ways that can harm the escort. They are the ones who will join escort forums and bash the reputations of escorts. Just ignore them. Block them. Don’t react. Some men of the pathetic calibre are purposing harassing and targeting sex workers to invoke a reaction — it might even arouse them to hear you say, “Fuck off!” Secondly, it’s not even worth your time or energy to “educate” an indecent man on how to be decent — he will never understand what it means to be a respectful man (he doesn’t have the capacity to know what being decent entails).
It is also important to note that when an escort blocks an indecent caller, they may try to contact again from a new phone number. If anything seems off with a caller, listen to your gut and reject it. Some indecent men are manipulative with their speech and seek to charm, so an escort should always have her guard up.
To my fellow escorts: What are some red flag you’ve encountered? What are your tips to screen clients?
Dear readers, it has taken me several years to write this post. I imagine this post will get a lot of hate in escort forums, where people’s sole identities are tied to these toxic forums. Escort review forums are extremely dehumanizing for both men and women (it encourages toxic behavior for men’s interactions with women and detracts from a wholesome sense of intimacy). This post will break it down.
A select population of clients in the sex industry are punters (also known as Hobbyists), men who review escorts on public escort forum boards. They are the unpleasant type of clients as they degrade sex workers into very shallow criteria and ratings on scales. Essentially, punters see sex as something that can be standardized – that a sex worker has a menu that is static and can be applied to all clients. They don’t have the maturity to factor in that intimate sex is about chemistry, communication, among other things — they don’t realize that sex with an escort will always vary. Punters also do not realize that having a degradative mindset/attitude towards sex workers will actually work against them — no woman wants to feel intimate with a self-entitled, shallow creep. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In an ironic twist, a lurker to any escort review board will notice one thing: most punters’ biggest complaint about escorts is that the “service” (or sex) “felt mechanical.” Sex will be mechanical if you think escorts should offer sex in a standardized “set menu” manner! Sex should not be seen as a service. Sex cannot be pre-planned with a fixed menu that can be repeated uniformly with different bodies. Having a self-entitled attitude towards sex workers is not only a recipe for bad sex, but it’s toxic. Having sex for the intent of gloating about it online and seeking virtual “high fives” from fellow soulless entities is toxic.
In Short:Escort Review Boards are cesspools of false information, jilted lovers, jilted clients, one-sided BIASED and often false or exaggerated reviews, the site of shallowness and the dehumanization of women (and sex), and a meeting point for sociopathic, self-entitled clients (aka “Karen” clients with the “CuStOmEr iS RiGhT” attitude).
Disclaimer — this post is NOT about all clients. Clients are as diverse as any population and there are many lovely men who are patrons of escorts. This post is specifically talking about men who identify themselves as Punters, whom frequent/contribute to escort review boards. Not all clients are punters. This is also not talking about those who may only browse review boards.
Anyone can create a username and write whatever they want about you on an online escort forum. Have a psychotic, jilted former ex lover/stalker? Pissed off another escort, pimp or madame? Have an escort who is jealous of you? Did you stand up for yourself to an abusive, creepy client? Guess what, he/she can take revenge against you by writing negative things about on these escort review forums (under the guise of a so-called client). Even “good” reviews can be false, misleading or exaggerated (which I will speak about my experience later).
Getting a BAD Review as an Escort
A few months back, someone sent me a very harsh and harassing email (to my escorting email). They told me I was a scammer and I was a fraud. They also said I must be “old and fat” now. They claimed they saw me many years back. I was trying to think of whom I met and had a bad experience with? I could only think of a few instances where I met a client who was unreasonable and ghastly.
I have never received such a mean email before. Foolishly, I replied to that person something along the lines of, “I am sorry you are such a hateful person that you would email someone with such hurtful words.” I shouldn’t have engaged with them at all, and I should know that empathy doesn’t work with sociopaths. I wondered if this person was actually someone I had met, or was it someone who has a vendetta against escorts and just wants to spam them with hate?
So I thought back to any bad experiences I’ve had. I remembered there was one man who had the same name as the email. He was the only client who I told to “Fuck off” as I shut the door on him. This was perhaps eight years ago. Now that I realize he was/is a “punter”, it all makes sense to why I had such a bad experience with him.
This client was the first client who spoke to me degradingly during sex. I remember during our session, he was calling me “Slut” and “whore”. “You’re a little whore, aren’t you?” I was shocked as I never met men who would even dare call me such things. For me, I was used to clients treating me like a Queen. But despite that, I went along with his degradative role-play. Prior to sex, he brought his own condoms and set them aside beside the condoms I have. After the sex finished, he looked at the condom wrapper and noticed we had used my condoms instead of the ones he brought. He then completely shifted his mood from happy to sour. He then berated me and said, “I told you to use THESE condoms, that’s why I brought them.” Him, a late 40’s grown man huffing and puffing at a young girl in her early 20’s for using the wrong condom, only realizing AFTER he finished. Me, being an extreme people pleaser back then, apologized sincerely, “I am so sorry, I didn’t even realize it.” And it was true, I sincerely didn’t realize we used the wrong condoms. Furthermore, why was it a big deal which condoms we used since he didn’t even notice until after we finished? But instead, he turned sour and annoyed, and became pissed at me. I kept apologizing despite he was being unreasonable. I was shocked that this man could behave so awful and childishly over such a trivial issue and a clear mistake. Decent men would NEVER behave this way. While he was dressing, I was angry at myself for apologizing to him and continuing to be kind despite he turned into a disrespectful jerk (for lack of better words). So as he was leaving my home, I muttered, “Fuck off” as I shut my door. And that is the creation of a jilted client — who will then go on an ESCORT REVIEW BOARD to take revenge on escort (where a BIASED, one-sided story is told). An escort review board, where readers have no inclination of how disgusting, rude, creepy, abusive, or horrid the CLIENT BEHAVED.
Looking back, I wish I would have yelled right back at him and set him straight. But I was also scared, as most escorts are. Sex workers are extremely vulnerable in such instances. We have no protection, and furthermore where is our protection on escort review forums? Escorts are constantly dehumanized — yet no one is batting an eye. Now, I can look back and realized he, this “punter” client, was sociopathic bully. And furthermore, he is a complete coward to now email me more recently with harassing words and speak about me on an escort review board. I do not accept reviews but somehow last month my name was mentioned on an escort review board. He wrote some posts saying my service was bad (restrictive) and said how I am now in my 30’s in a derogatory sense.
What Do Reviews say about the AUTHOR (the Punter, the Reviewer)?
If you ever come across an escort review, ask yourself next time: what is this review telling me about the author?
A lesson on academic level critical thinking teaches one to not take writings as face value. Instead, a critical thinker/reader will always ask the following when reading something:
Who is the author and what are theirbiases in relation to what they are writing?
What are the politics of ones memory and how can it be distorted?
What is the authors intent behind what they are writing?
What does the authors’ writing tell you about the author themselves? (Ie: If a Punter degrades a woman because of her age, doesn’t it tell you that this person views a woman’s worth in shallow terms? If a person’s storytelling consists of bragging and boasting of their experiences, isn’t this an indication of low self esteem and attention seeking?
With regards to the jilted punter who contacted me recently, he is trying to soothe his wounded ego by speaking negative things about me, the escort. Me, barely standing up for myself and telling him to “fuck off,” wounded his ego. Nobody will know my story — an escort’s side is silenced. I feel thankful that I am able to not take his mean comments personally –being educated about anti-social personality disorders and the politics of storytelling taught me why hateful people behave this way. He’s an abusive person — sociopathic — and possibly narcissistic. Projecting his self hate by putting me down. What can be said about a person who dehumanizes women on online forums? What does it say about his character by attempting to shame me for my age and appearance? It tells me that he is a hateful, shallow and vile person. And that’s why I felt sorry for him at first — that he is filled with so much hate that he projects that onto other people.
Who is the Escort Review Punter?
*He has made a hobby out of meeting escorts and sharing his experiences with other men.
*He is the type of man who brags and boasts of his sexual experiences. Shallow boasting/bragging is the biggest indicator of low self-esteem and immaturity. It’s also a known cliche that those who show off are usually compensating for short-comings (Napoleon complex, penis insecurity issues, etc).
*He feels a need to tell his sexual escapades to a group of male buddies online to get “high fives” and an ego boost. In real life, he might be a loner, so logging online to escort review boards connects him with men like himself and gives a sense of community.
*He has “issues.” And because of these issues, he doesn’t have sex that is truly intimate, steamy and mutually fulfilling. His own personality prevents him from establishing genuine intimacy with a woman, so he is always on the prowl for new escorts since he cannot connect with women on an intimate, emotional level.
Potential Sociopath – A person who has little to zero empathy for the well being of sex workers.
Emotionally Stunted/Immature– If a punter is not a sociopath, then he may simply be emotionally immature, socially awkward and/or have limited experience with women in everyday life. Just like anyone, some naive men want to belong, and when they join escort forums, they may feel like they found a sense of belonging with punters. The problem is, escort forum boards promote a very toxic ideal of masculinity, which can prevent men from making meaningful relationships with women.
Coward – Have a REAL issue with an escort? Then, why not address it to her privately first so she can evaluate her practices? Gossiping, backbiting and doing it anonymously behind a screen makes one a coward, period.
The, “I aM aN EnTiLTeD CuStOmEr” attitude. Punters are the male version of “Karen-who-needs-to-speak-to-the-manager.”
Loner Misogynist – Find solace in other loner misogynists on the board (they all share common traits).
Getting a GOOD review as an Escort
I do not accept any reviews — even a “good” review is unwanted. Thankfully, most clients I’ve seen are not the type to write reviews, nor would they even want to . As a rule, decent men do not kiss and tell. As one client told me, “Why on earth would I want to tell other men about our intimacy! No way. I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
The best sexual experiences (intimacy) are NOT being shared on escort review forums. Simply put, a genuine man who has a beautiful, intimate experience with an escort does not have it in his character to go boast about it online — he wouldn’t want other men coming to her. A man who experienced passionate intimacy with an escort wouldn’t dream of writng about her in a way to entice more clients to meet her. If he’s crazy (not decent), he might even write a bad review on her as an attempt to keep her for himself! In essence, decent men do not engage in such a behavior nor have a ‘hobbyist’ mentality. A man who genuinely respects women will not be an active on escort forums
One reason why I do not want “good” reviews is because I do not want to come off as an escort with has a set menu that can be performed with all clients. How I am with one client differs from another client. I am upfront that my service literally depends on each situation — that’s because chemistry with each person differs.
Many years back when I worked in a high-end brothel overseas, I discovered someone had written a review about me. It was a ‘good’ review. But it was incredibly false and exaggerated. The punter likely thought I would never see the review since I wasn’t working in my home country. He went into details– saying my ….. was waxed (I never wax, I shave). He claimed he made me orgasm 3 times. His writing skills were very good and exceptional — it was written in the tone of an epic tale. But it was false. I was shocked because I don’t even fake orgasms, but I certainly did not go 3 times with him (I don’t think I came with him at all).
So thus, even good reviews are highly biased, debatable and political. They can be faked also. Furthermore, one can get a good review from a punter, then a bad review by the same punter if they felt slighted at the least. Once again, the reader is not hearing anything from the escorts side, nor do they know anything about the Hobbyist in terms of their behavior and hygiene.
Here is what you need to know when reading escort reviews:
Escort Reviews are completely biased. In escort reviews, there is an absence of the other perspective (ie: the escorts perspective), which is essential to get a more accurate depiction of what actually happened. Sex between two people has two different perspectives. How accurate is a punters review of an escort when he is anonymous (his identity is hidden behind a computer screen)? How accurate is the review of an escort when we don’t know the INTENT of the writers goals (ie: he’s a scumbag who felt insulted and to make himself feel better, he writes an unflattering review on an escort with the INTENT to get a sense of revenge for his bruised ego — this is very common). How is the review accurate when we don’t know that the client’s annoying foreplay tactics and nasty body/hygiene caused the escort discomfort and made her disengage in the sexual experience?
Seeing an escort is ALWAYS a gamble– There is a term YMMV (your mileage may vary). Clients need to be schooled that seeing an escort is always YMMV. Whenever seeing an escort, a man’s experience with her CANNOT be guaranteed to be the same as someone else who reviewed her.
Details on the Client are Missing in reviews.We have no idea about the CLIENT and how his attitude, looks, hygiene, touch and other crucial aspects IMPACTED how the escort reacted. He is an anonymous person behind a computer — he might be a physically and emotionally repulsive man who is talented in the art of telling epic tales (lies). He might have the worst sex game (ie: how he behaves with women sexually), which makes an escort feel turned off. The point is, readers of escort reviews have ZERO indication of the client, which is crucial in understanding how a sexual encounter actually played out.
Sex CANNOT be standardized into a SET MENU. Good sex is all about chemistry between two people (sexual energies that are aligned). Chemistry between two people is a phenomenon (like love) that cannot be premeditated or forced. Therefore, the entire notion of punters expecting pleasurable sex based on an escorts reviews or menu is completely invalid — there is absolutely NO way to guarantee good sex between two random people. A sex menu is not comparable to buying a meal from a set restaurant menu (but punters think it’s the same). If one thinks sex can be predictable and standardized, then they are a blatant fool and have NO idea what intimacy/chemistry is all about. The biggest irony that punters have is how they complain about escorts for being too “mechanical” or “lacking enthusiasm” — if anything, punters are INFLUENCING escorts to act mechanical when they ask escorts, “What’s on the menu?” Once again, clients need to realize that seeing an escort is a gamble in terms of making a good sexual connection, which is because, again chemistry is NOT something that can be premeditated. Furthermore, having a good experience with an escort also HEAVILY depends on the behaviour of the client. Some punters are overt or closeted misogynists — their experiences with escorts are a self fulfilling prophecy–— they have negative ideas about escorts (and women, generally), so when they meet an escort they give off a negative vibe that makes the escort less friendly and uncomfortable. In other words, if a client acts like a scum, he can’t expect an escort (or any woman) to be enthusiastic about spending time with him.
Decent men are NOT profound reviewers of escorts for a variety of reasons. Decent men /clients do not seek egotistical validation by bragging or boasting about their sex life. The only time a decent man might review an escort is if the escort, herself, asked for one — he is reviewing to help her with good intentions. But again, decent men are not the type to engage on these forums generally. Genuine, passionate sex will not be found on a review board, because no man would want other men to get the chance to experience true intimacy with a woman.
Many, MANY reviews are highly inaccurate, exaggerated, blatant lies, or even revengeful(ie: written by a jilted lover/client, who got rejected by an escort). Even jilted escorts/pimps/agencies sometimes pretend to be a client and write negative reviews on another escort out of envy, jealously or revenge.
Escort Reviews Dehumanizes and Exploits Women – To quantify someone’s body parts or service on a scale of 1 to 10 is dehumanizing and shallow — is that all that matters about a woman? Is sex just about the physical? For shallow people, yes. For those whom are deep, sex is much more metaphysical, spiritual, intimate among other things. Escort reviews also work to bully escorts into compromising their comfort levels and boundaries. For example, an escort might feel uncomfortable with a client, but she fears to get a bad review, so she is subtly coerced into doing sexual acts that make her uncomfortable (or even hurt her). This is one reason why many escorts have to drink or take drugs before seeing clients, because they cannot see clients without numbing themselves. Being afraid to stand up for oneself or assert boundaries is, itself, traumatic for an escort.
Escorts Don’t Like Review Culture. But since Escorts are essentially silenced from taking action, they sometimes are forced to participate in this toxic culture. Personally, I do not use escort forums, nor do I want to attract punter/hobbyist type of clients. However, when I was new to escorting many years back, I discovered these forums and read them out of curiosity. It was very depressing to see how fellow escorts were dehumanized on these forums.
The punters description of an escort can be heavily skewed or inaccurate for a variety of reasons.Let’s look at an example of how an escort review could be completely biased and inaccurate:Imagine a punter meets an escort and is attracted to her. Then he touches her roughly in ways that hurt her. The escort first tries to say sweetly, “Not there honey, and be gentle sweetie.” But the client keeps poking and prodding roughly, causing pain and discomfort. The escort gets upset and say, “Can you please stop doing that again. It hurts.” By this time, the escort is now in a sour mood and just wants this vile client to bust his nut. The escort feels like a sex toy, because this filthy client doesn’t respect her body nor comfort levels. At this point, the escort now has lost her sweet attitude because this client clearly feels entitled to her body, as if she is not human with emotions and feelings. He clearly has no idea how to be intimate or how to gently touch a woman. The client finishes and goes home. He gets home and writes a review on the escort. He felt insulted by the escorts “bitchy attitude”, so decides to write a manipulative review that isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s contains subtle ways to make the escort look bad. He tells his fellow punters, “She’s sexy, but doesn’t allow much and she has zero enthusiasm.” Then, to soothe his ego, he figures he should knock her down some more by inventing a physical flaw about her. The review leaves him feeling better about himself because he evened the “score-board” in his head because the escort did not exalt his existence. The reverse is also true where good reviews are often exaggerated (such as what happened to me once.)
Help For Escorts Regarding Escort Review Forums
I was a teenager when I discovered escort review forums. I was fresh to the sex industry. For the most part, the clients I met, thankfully, were lovely and treated me exceptionally well. But when I saw escorts forums, I realized there was another breed of clients that were vile and shallow. I thought to myself, how come most of my clients don’t appear to be that way (like punters)? Later I realized that I don’t really see/attract punter-type of clients (except when I was totally new and naive — punter-types like naive “new” girls because they are easier to exploit).
When I discovered escort forums at a very young age, I actually got depressed from reading them. I was shocked how some men were extremely cruel, perverted, mean and shallow when it came to women. I was depressed because I yearned to be loved for my mind, for my soul — I was tired of being just “a body” or just “sexy” or “beautiful.” What I saw on escort forums was that a woman’s worth was extremely degraded — zero concern for the well being of sex workers. The women that “punters” idealized were typically women whom were cheaper bargains (in price), did the most risky work (ie: had no boundaries) and were willing to act robotic (have no personality, say yes to everything and never complain). Then to top it off, every “flaw” that a woman could have was highlighted and shamed. I was too young to realize that only SOME men were vile like this, but quickly learned that only “punter” types had this horrid, misogynistic and entitled mentality towards sex workers. Ironically, the few 3 or 4 reviews had in those days were all good. But they still made me uncomfortable, and as mentioned in this post, they were misleading and exaggerated. I did not want to participate in a forum that was viewing women in such shallow ways, nor did I want to see clients whom were active contributors to escorts forums. I decided to stay out of escort forums by not allowing reviews early on. I marketed myself in a way to attract a particular type of client who was seeking a more wholesome experience — and through the process of screening, an escort can hopefully weed out the unpleasant from the decent (though, not always, unfortunately). I hope most escorts can also boycott escort forums, but sadly these days many escorts are bullied into the review culture.
How should an escort process the escort review boards and punters? Remember that not all clients are punters. If possible, try not to market yourself to them (I know this not easy for many escorts). If that’s not possible, then be clear that you don’t accept reviews.
The things that punters say about escorts can be hurtful, humiliating (even if it’s ‘good’), embarrassing, traumatizing, dehumanizing and so on. Remember that how a person treats others is their character — what that means is if someone treats you a certain way or says cruel things to put you down, it has everything to do with THEM and not with you. Some people are filled with so much self-hate that they project it onto others — projection is well documented in psychology. They will also gaslight you into thinking YOU are a fault. Try your best to not take it personally. If someone tries to shame you for something shallow, OWN IT. Learn self-love and remember that wholesome people will accept/love you for whom you are as a human being. Furthermore, any “flaw” you are shamed for will be something another person will treasure and adore.
Toxic hobbyist in a nutshell: “When a person cannot control you, they will try to control how others perceive you. This is a common tactic of oppressors and abusers.”
Cases Where Escort Reviews Are Meaningful:
Unfortunately there are cases where an escort duo (another escort or her pimp) will rob a client. In any instances where there is danger, it is important that warnings are made about dangerous situations. This works for both escorts and clients — both need to warn others about dangerous situations.
My point of this post is stop the normalization of escort review forums. — it harms women by objectifying them in shallow ways — taking away the human experience of an escort. It ignores the struggles sex workers face from being in the sex trade (and from their personal lives). When women are harmed this way, it also in turn hurts men. How can women be loving and warm to men if they see a group of men who are complicit in their exploitation and dehumanization?
The song below is truly deep and beautiful (and relatable for sex workers):
Shame – Summer Walker
In a perfect world
You’re understanding, I’m not a perfect girl
I would drop my fears at the door
I would only bring myself and nothing more
And you let me be, a woman
And you let me be, a flawed woman
You would yearn to hear all about my past
What I’ve done, what I’ve did and why
Hear all my sick thoughts
And if I needed to, I could cry
And you would catch my tears
You don’t wanna be nobody else’s place, no, aye, no
You don’t wanna be nobody else’s place, to hide from themselves
And I’m the one to blame
You see right through me
You see through the smile
You see straight through me
You push past the lies, oh
You got it baby
Oh, oh, oh
Such a subtle song, yet very deep for those who understand. The world is not perfect. It’s not easy to be vulnerable without fear of what may follow. It becomes exhausting to constantly put on a facade to impress others or to fit in with others. Deep down, we just want to be ourselves and be accepted for whom we truly are. Especially in the context of relationships (friends, family and lovers) — we want to be vulnerable and feel safe. As a sex worker, how easy it is for one to just lay out her past …just be herself (flaws and all)... without the fear of being judged, exploited, or rejected? How much do we have to keep inside?
*On a side note, I love of lot of Summer Walker’s songs: she get’s it. She, after all, used to be a stripper and apparently came from a troubled past. Her talent comes from her life experiences, which is why she is raw, erratic and unique. My favorite songs of hers are: “CPR,” and “Just Might.” You can sense the emotion in her voice.
“Just Might be Hoe….”
“Love is a losing game, so I just might be a hoe.” In “Just Might,” I don’t think Summer’s intent is to promote being a “Hoe” but rather she is expressing the disappointments that love brought, so it appears to be more lucrative to focus on meeting men who pay her (rather than give love for free that always ended up hurting her). I have shared the same mindset myself — though, I would never wish upon other women to resort to sex work to heal a broken heart.
I don’t want to dampen your day. My blog speaks a lot on the topic of pain. I am not always a depressed person. I have learnt to be quite thankful and positive about life situations. However, pain is an inevitable part of life. When pain happens, I have no outlet to express myself in real life. I don’t like to talk about my sadness with others — so this blog is an outlet for myself. Even though I speak about dark things, please know that I have an optimistic perspective of life (and have optimism for those in a similar situation). Whatever happens in life is always for a purpose. Broken pieces can be put back together. And although scars remain, only scars produce the following beautiful, invaluable traits: character, substance, passion.
Almost all prostitute comes from a history of pain. It might have started in their childhood, teens or early adulthood. It might have been a neglectful or abusive parent(s) or exploitation and trauma from home or outsiders. A woman who is loved properly and is well protected is very unlikely to become a prostitute. The sex industry pulls women from downtrodden backgrounds.
I come from a dysfunctional, broken family. Never had a Father figure. At times, I was prey for predators. Being a child or teen without strong familial protection makes one ripe to many societal ills and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My siblings and I all had issues due to coming from our dysfunctional family — I became a prostitute, my brothers used to sell drugs and my sister developed an intolerable and spiteful character. We all coped in unhealthy ways also. Pain and trauma usually leads a child into two directions when they become an adult:they can become abusive/neglectful themselves (because that’s all know how to be) and/or they resort to drugs, drinking, and other self-destructive habits to cope. One can only hope to heal by becoming introspective and developing empathy for oneself and others. Part of healing is unlearning the self-destructive coping mechanisms, unlearning the negativity, unlearning the pain that has shaped oneself. That’s where I find myself — unlearning, trying to understand, trying to heal.
One would never guess that I come from a broken family. I do very well at hiding everything. If need be, I can speak intellectually, dress well-to-do and behave eloquently and cheerful. My “normal” persona gives off the idea that I come from a decent family and that I went through life relatively unscathed — which is misleading. In reality, I come from a family that has experienced drive by shootings, addictions, domestic violence, criminal activity, suicides and certain family members serving prison sentences. And, of course, I added prostitution to our lovely family legacy. Having said that, I love my family deeply. My family also has many good aspects–and thankfully, certain family members have improved themselves and their situations. I am grateful for my background and family. My character and passion comes from the struggle — it wouldn’t have come from an easy life, unscathed.
Even when I feel strong and determined, pain still remains from all the brokenness. When I see my younger relatives with deep scars from cutting themselves on my their arms, I get sad. When I hear that a teenager has already lost hope for life, I want to die inside. What causes a young boy or girl to slit their wrists? My heart breaks knowing I cannot even reach out to give them hope and tell them I will give my life to make them happy. When I see a monster who abuses, exploits and harms innocent elders or young ones, I boil up with anger. I wish everyone was well prepared for the monsters in this world — who seek to harm, abuse, exploit the vulnerable. I cry to imagine any child having to go through the events I have seen, and I feel grief knowing that this trauma is still happening.
I have accepted there can’t be any consistent peace. My family is fragile, and I have to learn how to reconcile my own desire to have stability with a very unstable situation. Soon, it will be the 6 year anniversary of a loved ones suicide. I play her favorite songs, and cry thinking about her. I miss her so much. I just want to hug her. I just want to laugh with her. I get angry thinking about the generational trauma that inevitably caused her suicide — a Mother from a broken family who gave birth to children in a broken family, a Mother who was abused and then became abusive herself. An abused child who grew up, became exploited and got addicted to the drugs and alcohol they turned to at a young age to cope. I remember when the idea of suicide came to me in my early twenties. I made the realization I couldn’t do it, because I am deeply worried about the younger kin of my family. I thought, “If I have no hope, then what hope would they have?” I wanted to be strong for them. But sadly, history repeats itself in generational trauma — most don’t step back and learn from the generational trauma, they get consumed by it and become it.
All these feelings, I cannot share so easily. I sometimes feel isolated because my peers consist of normal individuals with relatively normal, decent families. I write on this blog as my outlet.
This is the life of a prostitute. My heart hurts today. I breath deeply to soothe myself. If a client comes, I cannot show my pain. When a friend has a celebration, I cannot show my pain. I put on my smile, and try not to think of the tragic things that have happened. I am sometimes amazed that I haven’t resorted to drugs or other intoxicants to numb myself — I saw so much drug abuse in my family that I am terrified of alcohol and drugs.
That’s why love becomes so special to a person who comes from a background of trauma — this idea that we can relax our heart and let ourselves be vulnerable in a way that (hopefully) won’t hurt us. We crave the things that were denied to us: wholesome love, protection, trust and security. But when love has hurt you from it’s origins (starting from the family), then love is something to be feared.
Be kind to prostitutes…
The reason that many prostitutes take drugs or drink is because their pain/trauma is so unbearable that they want to feel numb. Most prostitutes have post-traumatic-stress-disorder to varying degrees.
When I see the hatred that society and specific people have towards prostitutes, I feel sad to know there is such a lack of understanding and empathy. I feel sad to realize how quick people are to condemn women who resorted to a career that only pulls in women who have no proper protection or care from family.
PS. This post is less concerning me, but rather expressing the pain I feel for others….
Please pray for those who have lost hope, to those who have no protectors, to those who are suffering silently…..my heart cries for you.
Dear Readers:Help me choose what I should talk about for my next post. I am always writing drafts about escorting, sex, clients, relationships and so forth. Below are a list of titles of topics that I have written drafts about in recent months. (I apologize in advance for the vulgarity of the titles)
Fetishes, Domination, & the Joys of Roleplay as an Escort.
Prostitutes who Scam Men.
Healing your Trauma as a Sex Worker
The Truth About Escort Reviews.
My Experience with Pimps & Pimped Escorts
Who has the Best Dick?
Who has the Worst Dick?
Self Love While Being a Prostitute.
When He Drowns in Her Thickness.
Prostitutes, Plastic Surgery & Body Image.
Self Love, City Girls, & Staying Positive as a Female Hustler.
Which of these topics would you like me to post about next?
A man who is not emotionally secure will never marry a prostitute (knowingly, that is). Why? He is too busy to ponder deeply about prostitutes, or the plight of downtrodden people, generally. In other words, a man without empathy could not understand a prostitutes plight. He would be afraid to be associated with people outside the realm of normal. He would be focused on keeping up appearances. He will be too concerned about what his family thinks. He would be too afraid of what others might say. This “normal” man is likely to be a “great” client to a prostitute, but he will never marry a prostitute. He may love her, lust for her and cheat on his wife with a prostitute, but he will never swim against the tide to give a prostitute the full dignity of marriage. (**Mind you, not all prostitutes desire or want marriage at all, or with such a person**)
The only case where this “normal” man would marry a prostitute is if her past is unknown (kept a secret). Some prostitutes do hide their past and revert back into normative society.
Who Marries a Prostitute?
A prostitute will attract a lot of men whom are not good for her: weirdos, creeps. Men with unwholesome lifestyles and intentions (ie: swingers, players, pimps, predators/abusers). A prostitute should never associate with these sort of men (but sadly, prostitutes often do get in relations with such individuals due to being naive or getting ‘finessed’). Aside from the unwholesome, there are some decent men who marry prostitutes.
Wajid Ali Shah (d. 1887), last ruler of Lucknow, married a courtesan.
There are good kinds of men who will marry a prostitute. But these kind of men are rare. They are rare because most people, generally, are too afraid to go against societal norms. It’s understandable — life is much easier when one sticks to what the majority does. After all, prostitutes are heavily stigmatized and hated by wider society. Only a man with an immensely solid self-esteem and high emotional intellect can overlook all the stigma and realize prostitute’s humanity.
The good man for a prostitute *might* be normal looking/acting. But deep down, he will be immensely unique. He will possess empathy for others. He is one who dismisses and/or critiques societal norms that negate wholeness or humanity. In other words, this kind of man is deep and highly moral. He may have been broken himself, which is why he has depth and a deeper understanding of life. He won’t care what society thinks (marrying a prostitute), because he knows the value of humanity over ego. He will fight to protect his beloved. Once again, he might look like one of the “normal” men with the conventional lifestyle, but deep down he is much more unconventional. Of course, a lot of prostitutes like myself are also quite “normal” acting, but are rather unconventional behind closed doors.
Depiction of a “True Lover” in Film: Water (2005)
Water (Director: Deepa Mehta, 2005)
In the film Water (2005), the character Narayan, played by John Abraham, is the epitome of an empathetic, true lover. The character Narayan came from a “normal” upper class family. Compared to his peers, who could care less about the well-being of prostitutes and can easily reduce a prostitute to “she’s just a whore,” Narayan was different. He was disturbed by the inhumane, cruel norms within Indian society. Thus, he became an activist, and lived out his activism through action. He fell in love with a young widow, who was prostituting herself to survive. Despite he knew his Mother’s disapproval, he was confident in his decision to marry a widow (a deeply stigmatized “undesirable” woman for marriage in pre-Modern Hindu society). He was confident because he knew he was doing the right thing.
The most powerful part of the film is when Kalyani, the widowed prostitute, bares her soul and makes herself extremely vulnerable. Kaylani was expecting to be rejected for exposing herself (ie: loss of her physical beauty, and exposing herself as a stigmatized woman). But despite that, Narayan looks at her and says, “I love you even more now,” and made preparations to marry her. His powerful action symbolized true love — a man who loves their beloved in any condition. He was swimming against the tide, and yet he remained determined. That scene always makes me cry, as such love is only imaginable.
Prostitutes Relationships with Drug Dealers & Gangsters
Aside from creeps and good men, prostitutes commonly bond with men whom are involved in the underworld, or the illegal trade economy. These men are drug dealers, gang members, or are somehow involved in the black market economy. While a lot of gangster-type of men fall into the ‘creep’ category and are harmful for prostitutes, some of them, ironically, are actually caring, loving, protective and loyal. Class is also a factor — there are different classes of gangsters just as there are different classes of sex workers. For instance, some high class prostitutes associate with high ranking gangsters/mafia (I, personally, avoid mingling with such people due to lack of common interests).
Why do Prostitutes often form Relationships with Drug Dealers and Gangsters?
Both come from similar backgrounds of childhood neglect, broken homes, and/or poverty, etc. They find commonality and comfort in their shared experience of trauma and being ostracized (outcasted) from ‘polite’ society. Drug dealers and gangsters are less likely to care what society considers a “proper” wife, and this is because they have less family input into their lives or their families are less concerned about keeping up appearances. Vice versa. There are indeed a lot of scum who are drug dealers (ie: those who do it to floss (ego and fame), and/or ones who pimp and exploit women into the sex industry). But not all gangsters are the same — some are vehemently against that and are protective of women. The “good” gangsters are in the game due to circumstances, and they often want out of that life (very much like most prostitutes).
Over the years, I have occasionally come across these kind of men as clients. Strangely enough, I often felt chemistry or somewhat connected to clients whom were affiliated to the underworld (the kind whom are low-key, sophisticated and un-flashy). The ones I liked were generous and took pride in caring for and protecting women. They were also emotionally deep, and we had a lot in common in terms of struggles and coming from dysfunctional family backgrounds. One, in particular, that I connected with was a man who left the illegal life behind. He told me he had spent time in prison when he was younger and “foolish.” When he got out, he changed his ways and made a better life for himself. We spoke about our broken families and circumstances, and somehow, it made things more passionate. Something about pain is erotic — people who come from pain sometimes express their passion with more intensity. At the same time, anyone who has been through struggle is often dealing with un-healed trauma, which is hazardous for a healthy relationship. I purposely avoided getting serious with gangsters for this reason, but also because they were outside my Islamic criteria and personal interests.
Dear Readers: What is your take on this topic? Would you marry a prostitute? For Sex Workers, what sort of man would you marry? Are you married to a prostitute? Are you are prostitute who is married? Share your experience!
Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end
Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end
It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish
To wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
Having hope hurt her. She should have never dreamt of something that could never be. But she was human, with a yearning heart, so she dared to dream. And it killed her. Like her, I realized that I almost became foolish enough to dream. But I stopped myself, because I remembered something I learnt when I was around 17 years old: When one doesn’t hope or dream for anything, then they cannot feel disappointed. I forgot about this, and I fooled myself. Dreaming is dangerous.
After her death, we found her cell phone. It was locked with a password. Others tried to open it with no luck at guessing the password. Then I tried, and my first guess at her password was a word that bled through out all of her art and writings, so I typed L-O-V-E, and her phone unlocked. The irony is that love had hurt her — false love, that is. The demons in society know very well that humans crave love and belonging, so they play with people’s vulnerabilities and masquerade as ‘love.’ Beware dear kind souls, keep your guard up.
Rest in Peace to the Angel who once dreamed.
إِنَّا للهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ
An 19th Century Courtesan’s ode to fellow Prostitutes:
“My poor, simple prostitutes! Never entertain the false hope that any man will love you with a true heart. The lover who gives his body and soul to you will depart in a few days. He will never settle down with you, and you are not even worthy of that. Only the virtuous, who see one face and never turn to another, will have the pleasure of true love. You women of the street, will never find such a blessing from God. What was to happen to me happened. I am resigned to this and have fulfilled all my wishes. I have no desires left, though desire is a curse that never leaves you till your dying day.”
–Umrao Jan Ada, (From her biography “Umrao Jan Ada” by Ruswa, 1899)
To hope for nothing is not to be hopeless. One must look at life from both sides. Joy requires pain. Dark requires light. Night requires day….. All stages matter.
“It’s life’s illusions I recall….I really don’t know life…I really don’t know life at all.”
-From the masterpiece song below:
Comments Off on To Hope for Nothing, To Wish for Nothing
Clients come to prostitutes for a variety of reasons. Most come to escape the world, to get comfort, pleasure — to feel intimacy.
The heavenly comfort of resting on the lap of a nurturing woman…
Clients come to Comfort Women(prostitutes) to escape the harsh realities of daily life. For clients, prostitutes are appealing because we are (ideally) a soothing, pleasurable fantasy that men can retreat too at their convenience. For the most part, we dress up and act/behave our best while with clients.
For men whom have some money to spare, they have the option to pay for comfort with a prostitute. It is, for the most part, a one sided comfort that only benefits the client. And what about the prostitute?
The reality is that most prostitutes do not have a healthy outlet to find comfort. Furthermore, most prostitutes do not derive pleasure/comfort from their encounters with clients. Most are, in fact, repulsed by intimacy with strange men (of course, they will conceal their displeasure). So for many years, I used to think about this: clients come to us for comfort, but..
Where do prostitutes go to escape the harsh realities of their lives?
The answer is:there is no safe haven or outlet that any prostitute can retreat too. As a result, most prostitutes escape and cope with life with very unhealthy habits: drugs, alcohol, excessive materialism, unhealthy relationships, seeking sexual attention from strangers to validate their self-worth. What prostitutes need is wholesome care/love.Wholesome love is the only thing that has the potential to soothe/comfort her (in the form of family, friends or spouse — and above all, spirituality (Allah, for me, as a Muslim). Love, however, is not something that can be purchased nor easily attained. Moreover, love can be something so strange and conflicting for a prostitute. It’s not easy to welcome love into one’s life or even give love when one comes from a traumatic past or is experiencing PTSD (something most prostitutes endure knowingly or not).
A Problem With No Solution
Society did not make a wholesome outlet nor alternative for prostitutes. Instead, we are silenced and often have no one to listen to us. Even if there was an outlet, we often fear to disclose our personal thoughts. We know society jokes about how “hoes” ain’t worthy of respect, we know society shuns us. We know that if we make one mistake, it will be thrown back into our face that we are simply just whores. In essence, we have no wholesome place to go for comfort. Love is the only outlet that can soothe us, yet ironically, a prostitute is very much a fool to hope or dream for love.
Sex as a Coping Mechanism?
In my personal experience (which is definitely not the experience of most prostitutes), I also adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms. Physical intimacy, as one example, became my escape from the realities of life. Intimacy and passion seemed to make all the stresses of the world minimize. Although I stay away from drugs and alcohol, my erotic coping mechanisms were not much better. I had a very poor sense of discipline and limits. I am now understanding and applying the value of discipline. I have come to realize that an undisciplined life based off one’s desires/passions comes with negative consequences. Let’s not forget that many clients who seek to escape with prostitutes, for instance, are often married and thereby harming the well-being of their spouse. A brilliant quote has stuck with me as I grow older and am making more sense of the world:
“The exhaustion of the passions is the beginning of wisdom”
-Lost Horizon, 1937, James Hilton
Bless The Hearts of Good Clients
A reader of mine is adamant that all men who see prostitutes are inherently bad. This is not true. I could never say all clients are X — there is too much diversity in clients. Not all clients want to just fuck a woman like an object and go ‘high-five’ their soulless peers after. Yes, there are a lot of soulless, perverted men who are clients of prostitutes. Yet there are also ones with genuine souls.
Good clients are ones who have empathy. They think about the well being of prostitutes. Rather than just take take take, they want to understand, give and act respectful. These are the clients who adore the escort they see, whom put her comfort and dignity above everything — who don’t just see her as a sexual object. Yes, some even literally bow at her feet in servitude. For me, I feel grateful I have known many kind-hearted clients who literally serviced me, and allowed me to escape and relax — they massaged me, they listened to me, they comforted me. So indeed, in some cases, the feeling of escapism can be mutual with clients.
“Traumatic events, by definition, overwhelm our ability to cope”
-Susan Pease Banitt (The Trauma Toolkit)
Dear Prostitutes & Readers: What Comforts You? How do you Cope? What do you think could help you?
Dear Readers, this post is very hard to write about. I am not sure I will keep it. The intention in writing this is to bring awareness. It is to help others who might be suffering — maybe they can learn from my pain. Abuse is not always obvious, which is why many survivors will endure years of abuse until they take action of leaving the situation for good.
To anyone who has been subjected to abuse, please know that: You can heal. You are already perfect as you are. You are not alone in your suffering. Healthy love and kind people do exist and you are worthy of it. What happened was meant to happen and the goodness of why that happened will be realized later. Have patience. Be easy with yourself. Don’t give up.
The above photo is from director Deepa Mehta’s Videsh (Heaven on Earth, 2008). A poetic film that portrays a young woman’s experience of domestic violence.
Idealize, Devalue, Discard
I was in denial. Sure, I had heard about the abusive cycle, but it didn’t occur to me that I was experiencing it. In the aftermath, it all makes sense now. With him, I experienced the narcissistic abusive cycle (idealize, devalue, discard) multiple times over the past 3 years. In other words, multiple times in three years he would come back to me after discarding me, and would declare he was now ready to be serious, he was sorry for his past behavior and he was madly in love with me. The pattern became predictable towards the end. Our ending itself proved everything that I came to suspect towards the end — that he is abusive, he does lack complete empathy and therefore, there was never any love at all.
A Short Summary of My Experience:
In the beginning, he mirrored my personality so I would find commonality in him. He would love-bomb me with affection to make me feel we had something special and shared endless commonalities. He seemed intellectual, he seemed cultured, he seemed non-conformist and uninterested by typical trends in Western pop-culture. Looking back in retrospect, it was a lie and a tactic for him to make me feel he was someone I would find interesting. I would have never liked him nor welcomed him in my life if I saw his true persona beneath the mask he put on.
Then once ‘in love’, his actions shifted dramatically. This was the devaluation stage. In an abusive relationship, this shift occurs because the abuser got what they wanted from the “love” stage. For my ex, having a woman fall in love with him fuelled his fragile ego and filled him with confidence, but sadly not in a wholesome way. I now know that he, a narcissistic abuser, is incapable of reciprocating love in a wholesome form — they are only looking to benefit themselves. After the ‘ideal’ stage, his abuse always started off subtle, eventually becoming more severe and obvious. Abuse, anger, threats, intimidation, lies, hypocrisy, projection.
Now, the irony is, I am not a submissive type at all. I consider myself quite resilient and intolerant to being mistreated. However, my ex abuser really had me confused, and I later realized this was a very common experience among other abuse recipients. When the abuse gets severe during the devaluation stage, an abuser will throw in breadcrumbs of affection/kindness to confuse their partner. The purpose of doing that is to excuse the abuse that occurred, and also to instil hope that the abuser has good intentions after all. During these tiny moments of kindness, the abuser will do things such as future-faking, which could be promises of marriage, declarations of ‘true love’ or the infamous, “I promise I will get help and change.”
It was always at the times when I was convinced my ex was being abusive where he would throw in his speckles of kindness and affection. I recall a day when my ex and I had a public altercation, which led me to break down in tears and hurry to go back to my home. We went to my home together. Once back at my home, his previous hostile attitude turned soft. While I was crying and rather traumatized, he began apologizing and caressing me lovingly. He then started trying to pleasure me in erotic ways while I was in that traumatized state. It was extremely strange and confusing, but I wanted to believe that he was sincere and really cared. I accepted his apology. The next day he raged at me in anger, screaming at me that I had the audacity to break down in public, run away from him and “cause a scene.”
Reacting to the abuse and defending myself was a way he could manipulate things and blame me. I had never been with an abusive man before, so I would defend myself and say often, “Men who truly love a woman do not behave this way.” He would then break down and say I am attacking his manhood by comparing him to all the other men I had — I felt really guilty for making him feel that way. Defending myself always resulted in me apologizing to him for causing him distress. I made excuses and justified his abuse — he, himself, admitted he mistreated me, yet he later would justify it because I was “a prostitute” or because I reacted ‘crazy’ in response to his abuse. Back then I didn’t realize this was his tactic of gaslighting (psychological manipulation). Gaslighting was a way for him to deflect from the fact that he was abusing me.
At the discard stage, like a typical abuser, his attitude towards me became the exact opposite of the Idealize stage. The “I love you for you are and I don’t care that you are prostitute and have had every man in the world! I want to be with you for the rest of my life” reverts to “You are a whore and you will never change. I can’t trust a woman like you. Go back to whoring yourself.”By the discard stage, I was always partially destroyed by his endless campaign of devaluation — it harmed me not just emotionally, but I would physically begin to feel unwell. At that point, an abusive narcissist see’s their partner as useless, so they usually discard their partner or treat them incredibly cruel so the partner walks away themselves. The reason for this is because the abuser needs new supply to fuel his ego– a destroyed lover is useless for his ego that constantly needs inflating — so as such he will seek out a new supply (a person) to idealize.
Why Did I Take Him Back?
I had empathy and patience for his “I will change” declarations. He was very convincing in the love-bombing stages where he went to all lengths to convince me to take him back. He would send me money to prove he was serious in caring for me. Beautiful flowers. Sweet words. He apparently wrote poetry about us. I foolishly believed his declarations of love and his “we are soulmates” claims. But more than anything, I had hope in who he claimed to be as a person. He told me he suffered from severe anxiety and other mental health issues, which made me want to help him and not give up on him. I believed that he was sincere deep down, and I thought his own pain would make him a better person in the long run. I didn’t want to believe that he lacked empathy. It was only until his repetitive abusive patterns became so apparent and destructive that his mask truly came off. Everything was a lie. Words truly mean nothing. The entire three years was a fraud. There was NO love at all. His intent was to destroy the confidence and strength I built for myself, which he lacked and craved.
Why Did He Gain?
For a sociopath, the gain is sex, power and ego. They wallow in self-hatrid. The sad part is a sociopath cannot overcome their insecurities. It is normal to have low self-esteem and insecurities — but there are wholesome ways to gain confidence. I knew my ex was insecure, which is why I loved him and wanted to care for him. I thought he was simply a product of his circumstances and was battling to be become a better person in a healthy way. I thought loving him and showing my affection would help him. This simply never worked because he was devoid of emotion. He was incapable of introspection, incapable of empathy. His true character was hidden, so I fooled myself in the end by thinking compassion could cure him. Normal people do not destroy others to fuel their self-worth. His love-bombing tactics were all a ploy to get me to lower my guard and trust him again, which would make me consent to giving my body for love. Falsely claiming love and promising a woman a future (security) to get sex is an utmost cowardly act.
Hypervigilance.Fearing to trust anyone. Depression. Stress. Wounded. The negative physical effects of emotional trauma and pain. What a woman should feel the most excited for is now something that fills her with fear and pain.
I worry more about other women that experienced what I went through. What is the fate of women who have been harmed and whom cannot cope without numbing their pain? How many women react in self-destructive ways in response to being harmed by an abuser? How many women blame themselves for the abuse they endured and believe that they were “not good enough?” The truth is many abused women are not coping. Most abused women I met suffered severely from being harmed by others. Many develop a very poor self-image and self -esteem. Often, they get plastic surgery or take drastic cosmetic measures to appear more superficially beautiful. They end up attracting the same type of shallow, unempathtic, conformist jerk. In some extreme cases, some women will seek revenge on all men, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. So how does one cope with just feeling the pain raw? The answer is: invest in your SOUL. Take care of your soul. Your soul is a garden that needs proper care and nourishment. It takes time, it will hurt, but you will heal.
For any male reader — if you are wondering why some women are starting to view ALL men with fear and mistrust, ask yourself WHY did she become this way? I completely denounce Feminism, because indeed good and decent men do exist. However, the abusers are giving decent men a bad name. It is time for MEN to start calling out indecent men who think it’s “cool” to brag about the number of women they’ve slept with or discarded like an object (which is essentially bragging about exploitation and abuse). The normalization of sociopathy and soulless attitudes needs to be exposed. Silence only allows harm to continue, which, in the end, hurts everyone in society.
Many years ago I used to work with other escorts. I noticed a sad phenomenon that, back then, made no sense to me. Many escorts I met were in relationships with abusive men — pimps and/or controlling, manipulative, abusive jerks, for lack of a better word. I used to feel sad for these women, and I couldn’t understand, “Why do these girls stay with men who treat them bad?” Back then, I felt lucky that my partners were very loving and compassionate men.
But now, I understand those women. I understand why they resorted to drugs and other harmful means of numbing — they were hurt and in pain. I understand why they tolerated abuse — trauma bonding. I understand why so many went from vibrant souls to empty shells — depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyper vigilance (ie: fearing to trust anyone).
I understand now the behavior of so many fellow escorts I used to know. I remember my sweet former escort friend ‘Parisa’ who was once a vibrant flower. After many months of absence, she came back to the brothel. She was no longer the vibrant flower — her eyes, once alive and filled with life, clearly indicated she was broken. She told us girls that she ended things with an abusive ex. I remember when she broke down at the brothel in tears, when she began drinking excessively to numb the pain, when she broke down and confessed how she was suicidal. Broken women — these are the women who find themselves in prostitution. And then to think there are some (not all) men who brag about how they ‘conquer’ prostitutes as if we are objects to be claimed — soulless demons.
I now realize — the last three years of my life I became one of those girls — I was with an abusive man. I justified the abuse. I made excuses for his abuse. Very typically, I believed things would get better. I blamed myself for defending myself. I thought his apologies would eventually become sincere.
During the painful ending, earlier this year, my ex abuser was completely unmasked. I feel disgusted and completely violated at realizing whom he truly was. Since his recent abusive episode which resulted in our ending, he has since attempted to repeat the whole cycle of abuse again – -apologizing, telling me he will change, pretending to care about my well-being. No more. The mask is off. The pattern of his abuse taught me that whenever I began to heal, he wanted to reappear in my life only to break me down again. Nothing fuelled his ego more than breaking down a strong, resilient woman like myself by exploiting her biggest strength: my heart.
In my religion, Islam, we have a saying for all situations that occur in life — we are thankful always in all circumstances (good or bad). We say “Praise to the Creator” Alhamdulillah. This was my fate, and I know this happened for the best of reasons. Allah deals justly. SubhanAllah.
That’s Not Love
Love is imperfect in the beautiful sense that it has ups and downs —but love is certainly not abuse. Love is not supposed to harm. Love is uplifting and gives a sense of tranquility. Sadly, as noted in my blog, we live in a world where love is now grossly abused. The reasons are complex, and I hope to elaborate on this topic in further posts (ie: How Porn has dehumanized women and enabled the normalization of exploitation).
Resources for those Being Abused
The following books “Why Does He do That” and “Psychopath Free” provide great clarity to very traumatic and confusing abusive relationships. It can also help one refrain from going back to an abuser by explaining their false tactics of idealization, or guilt-tripping.
Great Explanation on Narcissism (starts at 1:13):
For my dear fellow prostitutes or readers, please feel free to share any experiences you have had with individuals who violated, abused or conned you. How did you heal or cope? Or did you heal at all?
The Premise:A Man has the Urge to have Sex without Commitment.
The Deal Breaker:
Woman 1:I only consent for money or love (most prostitutes).
Woman 2:I only consent for love ( this could be through marriage only or the equivalent, a committed relationship).
Woman 3: I only consent for money (typically, very hardened prostitutes).
Woman 4: I only consent for attention/fun (deep down, this type actually craves love and wants to consent only for love, but she mistakenly believes that attention will compensate for love).
Man 1 “Mr. Fairness”:I will pay a woman to be able to sleep with her so she gets something to satisfy her and so do I. I am only comfortable if she is comfortable, and she is not demeaned nor exploited in this transaction — it is fair to her.
Man 2 “Mr. Entitlement”:I will pay a woman to have my way with her. Mr. Entitlement has the ‘decency’ to realize the she should get paid, but is indifferent to the woman’s overall well being. For him, he is a paying customer and he is entitled to service. *Note: Some Mr.Entitlements despise the fact they have to pay — why can’t women just serve our sexual needs for free!
Man 3 “The Predator”: I will use physical force to take a woman (against her will) to get sex. Zero empathy.
Man 4 “The Wholesome Man”: I would never just sleep with a woman for sex only and then just leave her once I satisfied my urge. She is not an object to use, she is human with feelings like my mother, sisters, aunts, etc. *He grew up with love and/or strong moral structure. She is someones daughter, wife, mother, etc. He has empathy for women.*
Man 5 “The Wholesome Client”:I will pay her for her time, and do whatever she is comfortable with. If she is inclined and the feelings are right, I would love to commit to her (because I want love and commitment above all). I respect her as a human being and would never want to make her feel neglected. But If she only desires a business arrangement and she is not open to love, then I will politely remain as a loving client.
Man 6: “The Monster” – I will neither pay her nor love her. But since women wont accept that, I will promise her love and protection so she will give me her body. The naive women, who have a poor concept of love (usually Daddy issue’s), are the easiest to dupe with the “I love you” trick. Finesse them hoes! *The Monster then ‘high-fives’ his fellow soulless comrades in online forums, or he gets reassurance in his beloved ‘rap’ beats that glorify the exploitation of women.* This “Monster” type of man is very dangerous for women, because they appear charming and are often are very gifted in manipulation (ie: knowing exactly how to make a woman trust them).
*PS: Yes, women can be manipulators too — read until the end..
The Big Question – Why?
What makes some women only want money when dealing with men? What makes some men use violence against women? What makes some men have great respect and admiration for women?
The Answer: Circumstances (Society, Upbringing, Influences)
A great quote I once heard was, “Different cultures produce different kinds of people.” (Wade Davis). This was in reference to an indigenous Amazonian tribe whose cultural values instilled people to protect Mother Nature. This was compared to the cultural values of the West, where perpetual growth and consumerism teach one to indirectly harm/destroy Mother Nature.
Imagine a culture where the family structure is strong, community is strong, the cultural music is about unity, love and wholesome masculinity/femininity — the cultural values are about “we”, thriftiness, kindness, discipline, gratitude — young children grew up on wholesome proverbs/wisdom from their elders — what sort of person does this produce?
Imagine a culture where young teens are influenced to hate themselves for whom they are, whom are told to focus on “I” instead of “we”, whom are given zero or contradicting guidance on life and how to be a man/woman, whom are told their body parts need to be altered, whom are told their worth is their accumulation of material objects, whom are told that the opposite sex is to be feared and doubted (ie: feminism & misogyny), whom are told they must fend for themselves and the only means of survival/belonging is chasing money — if you’re a woman, your value is in your body parts and that’s how men have been told to value you — if you’re a man, your value in how much money you have and you’re subjected to endless sexual imagery to weaken your ambition to nothing — what sort of person does this produce?
Many societal influences, in the West, are intentionally aimed at destruction of the soul, destruction of the family and unity as a whole. We have men and women who are pitted against each other — so what is the result when men cannot trust women, and vice versa? What happens in a hyper-sexualized society when women are reduced to body parts and men are taught to view women as just our bodies? What happens when pious men and women are told to keep searching for something “better” than what they already have? This is a breeding ground for hate, apathy, narcissism, sociopathy.
Laila, The One Who Cheats Men
When I meet people with a heartless mentality, I wonder: how did they become that way? Even I need to reflect on myself, because I have made many mistakes. I once knew a woman who viewed ALL men as the same: to her they were Womanizers, Cheaters, Liars. Ironically, she was also an escort. She became heartless to the extent that she would deceive and manipulate all men she encountered for money. She placed all her worth in her appearance. By doing so, she reaffirmed her belief that all men wanted to use her because she essentially attracted the same type of men. **Ladies, when you invest only into your appearance, you will attract the worst kind of men with the sole intention to sleep with you and discard you** So how did she become this way? She once broke down and poured her heart out to me. I learnt that she had been severely hurt, exploited and neglected by false love — she had been duped by a “Monster” (Man #6). She was once an innocent girl, whom only wanted love, and then she became depressed and suicidal, and she was convinced that all men were like the “Monster.” And thus, she reacted by believing her value was only in her body parts. After that, she attracted men who only wanted her body — once or twice and that’s it. They used her, so she used them — that was her motto. I knew she was hurting, deep down, for being used as an object, but she could not stop objectifying herself. She was convinced that she needed more plastic surgeryor sexy photos to find the love she deeply craved deep down — in fact, by doing so, she was pushing herself further away from wholesome love. Nevertheless I understood why she was hurting, because I know the feeling of neglect. All escorts come from some form of neglect. The difference between her and I was that we simply reacted in a different way. I realized that not all men are the same — different types of men existed. Decent men exist, men who valued women for their inner beauty above all. I made a conscious effort to stay away from men who exhibited shallow values. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to tell who is genuine or not, as soulless men and women often wear a cloak of ‘charm’ to entice their prey.
The point of Laila’s story is to highlight how she became heartless because she, herself, was hurt, exploited and used. Ironic — the same rule can be applied to heartless men: society & circumstances can turn people to become heartless and apathetic.
Finally, this is a great video for women who have been neglected — from an Islamic perspective, it reiterates the point on why women resort to objectifying themselves when they are deprived of wholesome love.
To My Readers, both Men and Women: Which one are you? What is your Stance?
"The world (the outsiders) pushes us away. And the outsiders, they are our clients. On the outside people are disgusted by us (prostitutes), but in here (in secret) they love us and they love our bodies."