Tag Archives: Escort Diary

Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

wilting-flower

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.

Isolated.

Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself


 

exploited-maids

I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.

_________________

Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


 

In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

One-sided Love: When a Client Falls for an Escort

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The first client to profess serious love for me in terms of getting married was about 9 years ago. Let’s call him James. This took place when I lived overseas. Back then, I was a very young lady who did not fully understand how critical matters of the heart were. I had met this client James once, and then unknowingly I made such an impression that he very quickly became a frequent and generous regular client. He was very easy going, kind hearted and generous — so I quickly began to enjoy his company as a client. Since he came to see me so frequently, I eventually became comfortable to go out with him publicly. We started going to dinners and theatrical shows together. To me, James was just a client and a lovely guy who’s company was joyful — but nothing more. But for him, it was much more. I was young and oblivious, however, to his intentions. It did not occur to me until later that he was spoiling me with the hopes of winning my heart.

During this time, I had also met my ex-fiance as a client. My ex, however, was someone I truly felt connected too — and very quickly we became a couple and then started living together. Once my ex and I started living together, I cut off all non-business communication with James. And very quickly, I decided to abruptly end business relations with him too. I was occupied with my ex, so I felt seeing James was too much time and effort. It was at this point, I was shocked to discover the hurt I, unknowingly, inflicted upon James — James had the idea that I was growing closer to him and we would settle together. He started showing up at my home or at the brothel I worked at, waiting for me. I was startled and shocked, because I had zero feelings for him and only considered him like any other client –the only exception was that I was closer to him as a client because I saw him so frequently. James had the best of intentions, but he mistook my kindness for something serious, which made him panic when I suddenly dropped him. It was my fault for failing to outline my intentions towards him. Looking back in retrospect, I should have taken cues of his desire for me — and moreover, I should have stated early on how I was not interested in anything beyond a client-escort relationship. But again, I was young and knew nothing about matters of the heart, so I was innocently unaware. This was a huge learning lesson for me, and a lesson I still have to apply until today: make your intentions clear from early on, and never play with someone’s heart. 

This example with James occurred when I was very young. I had no intention to mislead someone or play with their emotions whatsoever — it is my biggest fear until today to exploit someone’s heart. I have made mistakes and caused pain indeed. But I, too, know the pain of deception, so it would burn my heart to intentionally cheat someone. I was simply oblivious at my early days of escorting on how to deal with clients who became attached or fell in love.

And then the story of my ex-fiance and I — again, I was young and naive while I was with him. I did love him, but I was not sure of what I wanted through out our relationship. I was scared to settle down so young with him, and for this reason, I tried to leave him numerous times early on in our relationship. Out of love, I felt it was unfair to stay with him when my heart was not sure of what it wanted. But anytime I expressed my desire to leave him, I saw his eyes and felt like a Mother abandoning her child. This was my first true relation, so I did not know the rules or the consequences of love. Fast forward two years, I ended up leaving him. I was unsure of what I wanted throughout our entire relationship — I was poisoned with thoughts of the ‘grass being greener’ while with him. He dreamt of marriage and family, and I killed that dream for him. It was all unintentional. Only years later, once I faced rejection myself, I realized how dangerous love is when there is no structure or morality to guide it.

Now, the examples above shows how being oblivious and ignorant are part of being young. It is hoped that one will eventually learn empathy (the ability to consider the emotions of others) which distinguishes them from childhood into adulthood. Sadly, some people have no sense of empathy — they kill souls and feel no remorse. But others learn through trial and error. I had to be the neglecter and be neglected myself to learn the valuable lesson of empathy in love: don’t play with someones heart, don’t use someone, don’t make empty promises and more importantly, be clear with your intentions. 


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And so, there have been subsequent clients among the years who have expressed a one-sided admiration for me. And out of deep fear of hurting their dear hearts and inflicting them with pain that can be lethal, I have to hurt them with honesty…

Tonight, a client just left my home. He is reading this, as I felt comfortable to tell him about my blog. He is an all-round lovely, young man. Tonight, before he came to see me, he sent me two writing pieces he made about me. I read them. He wrote about me in the tone of love and admiration. But instead of feeling flattered, I felt concerned for his heart. Rather than applaud his efforts, I crushed his heart with the harsh tone of my bluntness: “I don’t feel the same.” He claims he has fallen in love — he wants to express it in all ways. Just moments ago, he sends me a photo of a cardboard cup that sits in the cupholder of his car. It was the cup I drank last week, filled with tea. The cup has a pink lipstick mark, my lipstick. He keeps the lipstick stained cup in his car as a memorabilia of me. And in his writings, he writes about how my scent stays with him after he leaves my home. He must have read those ‘scent’ posts on my blog, and he must think I feel the same way. Am I supposed to feel flattered? No, my dear. I am sad for you. Sad for the situation. I know my honesty hurts, and I don’t want to hurt you —  but honesty is my duty.

After learning from my past mistakes years ago, I have since become very blunt when I get an inkling that someone has feelings for me. Sometimes, regular clients confuse an escorts’ kindness for a deep, intimate connection. It is important for anyone to be true with their intentions with another –after all, one’s character is defined in how they treat others

So I said to him tonight, as I have numerous times in past meetings….”I don’t feel the same, I am not in love with you nor will I ever be.” This must confuse him, as my behavior with him seems otherwise. I understand his confusion. Yes, I can genuinely enjoy someones companionship, but that does not mean I desire them.

What worries me the most, and causes me to be more harsh, is his sense of hope for “us.” In his writings, he wrote his hope to eventually “win my heart.” So once again, I have to crush his hopes again and again, being firm and harsh — when will he understand? I tell him he must stop seeing me. Now, I feel bad for accepting his generosity. How can I feel comfortable taking his kind gestures when it means I am leading him to eventual heart ache? But I told early on, I have been honest. Yet he says I own his heart now — and I shout “I never asked for it!”

As an escort, I must be blunt, I cannot pretend to love a client to line my own pockets — that is heartless and apathetic.  I tell him that he has no choice but to accept the fact that I have no feelings for him outside a business relationship. And that doesn’t mean he is unworthy — not at all. He is too young to understand that sometimes unrequited love or losing someone is a blessing in disguise. I fear that he does not make this realization, but instead blames himself. It is not him who is lacking at all — he must learn a lesson that many need to learn: chemistry is not a choice. There is no such thing as one not being ‘good enough’ — no. There are reasons why people come together and why they part — it requires immense patience to see the spiritual importance of why people come into our lives, who remains and who departs.

I cannot exploit his heart. I cannot exploit his generosity to benefit myself without thinking of how this affects him. No. I have seen the abuse of love and its consequences. I have seen how love is falsely proclaimed when it’s simply a ploy for one’s selfish gain. I have seen suicide resulting from false promises of love. So much dishonesty masquerades with the label of ‘love’ and so many broken souls who once dreamed. This is the result of a society with no structure or morality  — I learnt the lesson long ago, do not play with hearts.

Final Remarks:

Despite I used the term ‘love’ in this post and past posts of mine, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as wholesome love without structure/guidance. I wrongly assumed that I experienced ‘true’ love in the past — but I no longer believe that was love. Perhaps at best, it was just a glimpse of love. There is no love unless it’s given the correct conduct that it deserves — love is a serious responsibility, not a toy to play with. But sadly, today, love is treated as something so casual, something to play with and discard once ‘bored’ — and alhamdulilah for Islam, because Islam makes awareness of the societal ills that result from the falsehood of unrestricted love. As a Muslim, I finally see how love is only granted when one follows the guidelines of Allah swt. Islam recognizes how love, when outside the responsibility of marriage, is often misused and leads to social chaos (fitna). For this reason, Islam prohibits the relations between men and women outside of marriage  — after all, sex without responsibility renders people being exploited, used, heartbroken or deceived (all things which Islam seeks to protect one from).

14 Comments

Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Questions for Escorts And Clients, Relationships

Clients: Why an Escort Refuses to Meet You Again

The other day I opened my door to an unfavorable surprise. I was expecting to meet a client whom I have never seen before. But to my dismay, it was a former client who I had purposely been ignoring.

This client, whom I have met before, had been trying unsuccessfully to meet me again for the past two years. At first, I ignored his calls. Then he got in contact with me by calling me from a new number, and so then I started to ignore his new number. Fast forward one year later, this week, he called me from an additional new number. I picked up and did not recognize his voice. I thought he was a new client, and when I asked for his name, he gave me a different name. So we made an appointment, and voila…he shows up ….!

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So the question is, why would an escort reject a repeat customer?

While every escort is different, here are the four main reasons an escort MAY ignore or reject a client from coming back (as a repeat customer).

  1. Hygiene issues

And/Or

  1. Cheap (ie: tries to stay longer than allocated time, unwelcomed, without paying extra, or gives less money than expected)

And/Or

  1. Unbearably ANNOYING or tiring sex (ie: takes too long, or makes us ‘work’ too much. Yes, some of us are ‘spoilt’.)

And/Or

  1. Rude and Disrespectful

Additional reasons for an escort to reject a repeat client that are, perhaps, less common. Such as a client who has…

  1. Stalker-like tendencies (ie: a love crazed client who invades your personal life in an unwelcomed sense — where the ‘love’ is one-sided). Note: This is not to be confused with clients who are in love with an escort while also respecting the escorts own boundaries and expectations. Admiration does not bother escorts so long as their boundaries are respected.
  1. There are additional unique reasons. For instance, I had a really young client whom I felt was spending too much money that he didn’t have (hoping to gain my heart). Since I couldn’t give him love, I felt it was better that he focused on saving money for someone who can truly love him back. I liked him as a person and client, but morally I felt he should direct his hard earned cash elsewhere.

Now, of course, these undesirable traits can be interpreted differently depending on the person. For me, hygiene is a paramount deal breaker, so I would flat out refuse anyone who was not clean. And of course, I would not accept to meet any client who could not pay my rate. Annoying sex, however, is not something one can predict with a new client. Now, with regards to a client being ‘rude or disrespectful’, luckily I have not experienced that so far as I am quite particular with whom I attract and meet. But for many other escorts who do not have the privilege to be so discerning, dealing with disrespectful clients is a reality.

In general, my screening processes have been successful to the extent that there have only been 3-4 men that I have refused to see again. Generally, most clients are relatively pleasant and have no issues. And for the 3-4 clients that I could not bare…, my method of refusal was to simply ignore their calls or messages.

The irony is that these clients whom I refused to meet again were not actually disrespectful at all.

In fact, the former client who showed up the other day under a new name – he is exceptionally respectful and kind hearted. He is even relatively clean and professional. Yet for some reason, this particular client possessed the first three traits of a client I would reject: (hygiene issues, cheap, and tiring sex). Like the first time we met, this client appeared clean. Yet his breath odor was so disgusting that I wanted to gag! His vile breath made me repulsed to touch and be close to him. To top off my disgust, the sex was beyond annoying – he abnormally takes a long time (probably because I cannot hide my repulsion and barely want to touch him) and also, he wants to be all lovely-dovey romantic while he takes his damn time! Yes, I am a romantic woman indeed who loves to be romanced — but not with a person whose scent repulses me! And to make matters worse, he dragged out a one hour appointment to two hours —- no extra tips, nothing. Now, being Sahar, I do have a temper and am quite assertive. I gave him a piece of my mind on the first meeting, yet in a diplomatic way (so not to hurt his feelings). I bluntly told him “I don’t think we are a match in sex” and “you’re just not my type.” Despite that, he still wanted to come back. I allowed him to come a second time, thinking that his ‘bad’ breath was just a one time thing. Well, I was wrong. After the second meeting and the same annoying scenario, I told myself, “Never again, the money isn’t worth it.”

This time, when he arrived at my home the other day, the first thought in my head was a Dave Chapelle style, “Fuck!” I couldn’t just kick him out, because as mentioned, he was actually a really kind and respectful person. I asked him right away, “Why didn’t you tell me it was YOU? Why did you tell me another name?” He said, “I thought you were ignoring me.” I said in my head, “Yes, Obviously” So then I secretively rolled my eyes back, and then told myself, “It’s not that bad, I’ll just get through it.”

Nothing had changed. He was still a sweet guy. But that foul odor from his breath was still there! He was a clean guy, but clearly had neglected his oral hygiene (yes, you can have bad breathe even when you brush your teeth everyday!). How the hell do you tell a nice person that they smell so foul that it makes you feel repulsed to the point you have to obsessively clean your home after to rid the disgusting scent from your home? Finally, at the end of the appointment, he said, “Can you tell me next time openly if you don’t feel comfortable to see me?” Finally I broke down — I had to tell him. I sincerely wanted this sweet guy to have success with OTHER WOMEN, but I am sure other women won’t have the temperament to tell him about his terrible breath. So I said to him, calmly, “Your breath……I am sorry to say this… When is the last time you went to the Dentist? Is there something you eat that smells very strong?”

I felt so bad that I had to tell him something, perhaps, so embarrassing. He was actually very thankful when I told him to go to a Dentist and ask the Dentist to thoroughly check his oral hygiene. So would I see him again? No. Even if he fixes his breath, I am not interested to see him again. Even the sex was just far too unbearable to the point I could not hold in my annoyance. But again, he is a nice guy, so I sincerely hope he can find a woman who does love him – he has many lovable qualities – he is actually an attractive, fit, younger guy! But for me, personally, I was just far too turned off by the whole experience. I hope I did the right thing by being honest.

Lesson to be Learnt?

Want to be a good client or partner in general? Excel in the first four points I mentioned (be mindful of your hygiene, be courteous with her financial expectations, ask for feedback during intimacy, and be genuinely respectful).

Lastly, the thing with hygiene is that it is difficult to detect one’s own scent, or body odor. I, too, have been guilty of having bad breath, unknowingly — which is a funny story. A long time ago, when I lived overseas, I was with a regular client of mine. It was his birthday, so I brought him some cupcakes. I told him not to eat the cupcakes until after our appointment. I told that I won’t kiss him or let him kiss my body if he eats the cupcakes first. He then said, jokingly, “Why not? I always kiss you after you eat your spicy foods and I don’t complain.” He was teasing me and alluding that I had “garlic” breath once and how it didn’t bother him. Since then, I always am paranoid about meeting someone after I have eaten foods with my favorite ingredients, garlic and onion. It can be a cute and sweet gesture to others to simply say, “Is my breath alright?”

Escorts? What is your experience? What would make you stop seeing a client? Clients, have you been rejected? What would make you stop seeing an escort? Share your thoughts

33 Comments

Filed under The Escorting Business, Types of Clients

The Conflict: Falling in Love with A Prostitute/Escort – Part 1

drenched rose

As if love isn’t already complicated among ‘normal’ individuals, but how immensely complicated is LOVE with a prostitute. Love with a woman who shares her body to numerous others.

There is a theme of responses on my blog: a man loves a woman who sells her body and he seeks advice. My blog consists of numerous comments by men who have expressed a deep conflict in reconciling their love/emotions with a sex worker. The responses range from wholesome male lovers of prostitutes, whom express deep concern and understanding about the well-being of their lady-love, and then there are others, whom express hostility towards women-of-the-night.

Why does this conflict of love with a prostitute exist? Why are men writing to my blog with confusion, burning hearts, and pain from their experience of loving a prostitute? Why can’t a prostitute simply quit her work if she truly loves another? Can it really be love if she is still sleeping with other men? How can intimacy between a prostitute and her lover be special if she is sharing her body with other men? I attempt to answer such questions on my blog, given that other wholesome outlets are scarcely available.

In Love with a Sex Worker? A Word of Caution When Seeking Advice from Outsiders and others who claim to know:

Not all women who sell themselves are the same. Yes, there are similarities in certain aspects, but also great diversity in our personalities, lifestyles and upbringings. Therefore, one must be cautious when seeking advice from outsiders who tend to premise their arguments on the notion that all prostitutes have the same motivations, values and lifestyles –such sterotypes are invalid. Seeking any wholesome advice on being in love with a prostitute is very much prone to bias from outsiders who have little-to-zero personal experience with such women (outsiders who’s perspectives are shaped heavily by stereotypes)– It is important to remember that just because someone knows/visits prostitutes does NOT mean they got personal with them.There are so many disgusting attitudes that exist in forums and other internet sites about prostitutes in general, which is the result of a over centuries worth of discourses aimed at reducing prostitutes into degraded stereotypes. It is very easy to dismiss a prostitute as being “soulless,” “selfish,” “lazy,” and “having no dignity” if her behaviour is upsetting to someone. This mentality is not only erroneous, but lacks any sense of empathy or broader understandings. One commenter (“Mike”) on the blog epitomizes this hateful mentality. He commented in response to a paragraph I wrote:

“An escort is no different than any other human being. Yes, her lifestyle is different, but she/he is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such cruel view needs to be challenged.” – Sahar

“Mike’s” Response:

I have to completely disagree with this view; and I say this as a hobbyist who has dated a Korean prostitute in Los Angeles. The only reason why I dated her was because I was led to believe she was going to quit her line of work and to be fair I promised to quit hobbying. I was genuine and she was filled with lies.

Yes, people are deserving of love…all people who choose to be in a monogamous relationship. The reality with most women who sell their bodies is this–they are very selfish, self-centered and jealous. It is okay for them to sell their bodies 8-10 clients a day but when her boyfriend needs a release and goes to another provider (because the gf/escort won’t see him at her work place) she gets very upset. Talk about a double standard.

Personally speaking, if an escort truly loves someone, she would understand her line if work would be very difficult for a man to deal with. Knowing this, true love would lead her away from her kine of work. It’s called compromise and respect. But it appears escorts simply want everything their own way and want a man to love them in the same fashion a man would love a genuinely kind and respectable woman who isn’t a prostitute. That is very very very…unreasonable in my opinion.

What I found amusing, during a heated argument I told her she is a deceitful, compulsive lying, trash of a person. A whore. A prostitute.

“I can’t believe that is how you think of me!” She exclaimed. Well, what am I to think of her? Classy, elegant, trustworthy, respectful? ?? She screws over a thousand men a year for money when most other women make something of themselves by working hard, going to school etc… she made a deal with the devil and when she is old and grey on her death bed…that is when it will finally hit her–OMG, I will die as a whore.”

What is apparent from Mike’s response is his complete lack of understanding why the lady continued to sell herself, why she couldn’t just quit so easily, why she is hesitant to give up her independence, and moreover, why she doesn’t resort to working for a 70-90% reduced income at a ‘normal’ job. How does Mike rationalize this? He just reduces her to a whore, in a derogatory, stereotypical sense. Yep, according to him, that explains everything. There are many Mikes in this world, both men and women. That’s what happens when a population is constantly bombarded with hateful propaganda towards a certain group, they internalize it. Such tactics are no different than the internalized racism that is prevalent in the world today. It is the laziest form of incorrect reasoning, but what can one expect? We are not all given the liberty of pondering about the wider implications of the human experience. I thought it might be worthy to share my response to the “hobbyist” aka Mike:

My Response:

“One reason I wrote this blog was to complicate terms and concepts that are prevalent in society about escorts/prostitutes, such as labelling them as: selfish, lazy, whores (in the derogatory sense), etc. I wanted to show how and why these attitudes exist, and how they are constructed by whom and for what purpose. And yet your comment, which is not surprising, fails to grasp any of what I’ve tried to convey.

First off, since you subscribe yourself as a’hobbyist’ I am quite sure your mentality of escorts is quite disheartening. Your comment is indicative that you are one of those people who fail to ‘read between the lines.’ You’ve taken your own experience of ‘not getting your way’ with a woman whom happens to be a sex worker, and then you make the hasty generalization that most escorts are “selfish, self-centered and jealous.” And from your experience, there is not one ounce of trying to understand the underlying issues, nor the underlying meanings of her actions, perhaps.

From what you have written, it is clear that you have accepted the so-called ‘moral’ social norms within society, and thus you have ZERO comprehension of how societal norms are socially constructed (often to serve political agendas). So, let’s take a look at the typical norms that you have clearly internalized (ie: accepted as ‘righteous’ without any critical analysis). Firstly, according to you, women whom have sex with multiple men are somehow terrible ‘immoral’ people. Secondly, according to you, women whom are sex workers are apparently undeserving of love/commitment if they cannot quit their job. With your logic, you fail to realize that most women do not actively ‘choose’ this lifestyle, but rather were ‘pushed’ into it for economic factors. As hard as it is to understand, yes, a prostitute can be loyal to a man she loves whilst seeing other clients — you clearly cannot understand this. But let’s imagine if a prostitute did, in fact, enjoy some of her clients or perhaps she does NOT want to be monogamous — is she suddenly a terrible immoral person? Clearly, a woman’s sexuality that’s not ‘controlled’ is very threatening to you (which again, is not surprising, because that’s what our current society tells us).

I’m glad this Korean woman is not with you, because she deserves a man who has a better understanding of the things she keeps silent. You are quite naïve to think a prostituted woman can simply just leave her work for love or that leaving her work is a requirement for love. There are lovers of prostitutes who understand the emotional conflict that prostitutes face. These decent men are patient, compassionate and understanding. Rather than reduce her to being lazy, selfish, or a ‘whore,’ decent men actually try to understand sex workers and are willing to take on an unconventional relationship for the sake of love. Yes, it can seem that many prostitutes are simply living for themselves, and thus one gets the impression that they are ‘selfish’ or perhaps ‘lazy’ because they don’t want to conform to the capitalist work ethic. But there are so many complicated factors of WHY women are doing this, WHY they cannot quit so easily, WHY they feel its better to stay in the industry and be independent, WHY women are stigmatized for living alternative lifestyles, etc. I am glad that woman left you, because clearly she deserves a man who loves her and can stay loyal to her whilst understanding that leaving her job is not so easy.”

exotic-courtesan-painting

Breaking the Stereotypes:

In this post, I do not mean to imply that all escorts are decent beings. Indeed there are escorts who happen to be, perhaps, selfish and heartless, but that is NOT solely because she happens to sell herself. I’ve witnessed in other internet discussions where sometimes prostitutes, themselves, aid stereotypes such as “prostitutes are always acting” or “they are masters at faking love and emotions.” Other ideas one commonly hears is that “a prostitute will have sex with anyone for money”– a notion exists that we all apparently have NO standards when it comes to making money. These stereotypes irritate me since I am a prostitute and those ideas do not represent me at all. As mentioned previously, I never fake love or even fake orgasms. Again, not all escorts are working within the same dynamics or have the same motivations. For instance, an escort who has a pimp and has a very hardened outlook on clients will have a very different persona/lifestyle than an escort, like myself, who works part-time and doesn’t view all clients as one monolith. Even within each dynamic, diversity will exist. One must remember that good and bad exists in all walks of life. For those in love with sex workers, one should view their lover as a human first — sex work does shape one, but does not make one any less good or evil.

We’ve all been in one of those situations where someone makes a casual remark about how “you can’t trust whores” or they will rationalize a woman’s behavior by simply stating “Well, she’s a whore, what can you expect.” As I have tried to illustrate in this post, this logic is flawed and dehumanizing. I wonder how people would feel when they realize how many everyday prostitutes (who did not actively choose to be in the sex industry) are living very private lives, are only having sex for love or money (survival), and still retain common decency.

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My apologies that this post did not give much advice for those in love or having feelings for a working lady, but I recommend browsing the comments in my blog where I answer such questions. Below is recent advice I gave to a gentleman who asked how he can better understand his lady love:

“Be strong and expect hurdles [in the relationship] — it is normal. She will likely have a hard time changing her lifestyle, and it may take time. Give her time. Be patient. Be realistic. And be supportive. Ask her clearly what she wants. If there is mutual love between yourself and her, then don’t listen to the negative perspective of outsiders (whom clearly don’t understand that prostitutes are human like everyone else).”

Here is great link that gives wholesome advice for men who are in a relationship/in love with a prostitute. Here is the link Below:

How to Date a Sex Worker

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For my readers: What has your experience been?

23 Comments

Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Relationships

Why Seek The World?

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This world of palaces, thrones, and crowns.

This world of societies that resent humanity,

This world of those hungry for [material] wealth,

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

 

Each body is injured, each soul is thirsty,

With confused eyes and hearts full of sorrow,

Is this the world or the dominion of senselessness?

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

In this world where a person’s being is only a toy,

It is an establishment that worships death

Where it costs less to die than to breathe,

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

 

Here youth wanders in hopelessness,

Young bodies are decorated and sold in the market,

Where love is treated as a product to trade,

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

This world, where human life is nothing,

Where loyalty is nothing, where friendship is nothing,

Where love has no meaning at all,

What is this world, even if I get it?

 

Burn this world, set it on fire!

Move this world away from me!

The world is yours, you take care of it.

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

____

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil bhi Jaaye to Kya Hain? (Pyaasa, 1957)

————–

Subhanallah, what a beautiful, yet tragic Urdu poem from the 1957 classic Pyaasa. It is worthy to share this ghazal in time where ‘success’ is equated to fulfilling or striving for worldly pleasures. But what happens when one attains all the so-called worldly ‘pleasures’? You gained the world, but at what cost? Does the heart feel full? How many lives were slaughtered or degraded in the process of obtaining “success” and “happiness”?

I’ve met many great souls who are tormented, silently. They were, at some point during their lives, duped into believing that they weren’t ‘successful’ enough because they weren’t attaining enough worldly ‘pleasures.’ Or, perhaps, like myself, they obtained the so-called ‘good life’ and realized it meant nothing. My desire to ‘gain the world’ has lessened. It is my hope that myself and others can gain the strength to resist the deceptively-charming-in-your-face forces that are rampant in society. Life has so much beauty to offer that isn’t always visible to the human eye. After all, what significance is the world in a superficial sense? What significance is a body with no spiritual depth? It is only the soul that is immortal.

I actually feel great sadness when I realize many people are still chasing the worldly ‘pleasures’ to the extent that they become apathetic and soulless. People are seduced by this false notion that ‘gaining the world’ makes a worthy life. Such a predisposition suggests that a life without glamour, superficial beauty, money and power is unworthy. Again, does money, prestige and power make the heart feel full? Or does one even have a heart once they’ve slowly bartered off their soul for their ego?  The world (duniya) is only temporary —  Life becomes meaningful when one focuses on enriching their soul, not their ego. 

Duniya

 

 

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Three Years Of Escort Diary

Old Man: “From the hot fire of being apart, comes the flame that burns the heart”

Lateef: “That was beautiful, you speak very well.”

Old Man: “These are words from the heart, my son”

-Dialogue from the film Baran (2001).

courtesan-dressingI started this blog three years ago. I started it during an important change in my life. I had just left my engagement. I had just immersed myself into the realm of working independently for the first time, without knowing what to expect. I was also a full-time University student. Three years later, I claim myself as a high-end courtesan, and strangely enough I feel a similar emptiness that I experienced when I started this blog three years ago. But much has changed indeed.

It would be incorrect to say that I’ve been empty and sad continuously. A prostitutes life and experiences witnesses an amalgam of emotions; nothing is static. In the past three years, there has been happiness and many blessings, and I’ve had many beautiful experiences. I am very thankful for them. My heart was grasped by my great lover, the Sheik, whom I wrote about in these past years. And as I had written, our love did eventually hit a brick wall, shattering our hearts. Wounds remain fresh. Burning, I am trying to see the beauty in this pain. For the moment, I honor this love by lonesome tears, finding the torment of separation unbearable, hopeless at times. The beautiful memories are starting to become clouded amongst the pain. And worst, I never showed any sorrow outwardly. Strangely enough, I concealed all of my pain with the facade of pride, thereby masking the tears of honor. In hopeless moments, I wanted all the love to turn into hate. But the truth remains in the heart. God only knows the extent of my heart, the honoring of love through tears.

Here is an incomplete poem I wrote a while ago: 

In the midst of helplessness, I sought to destroy my image.

Perhaps intentionally, I destroyed myself before your eyes,

Tarnishing your perception of my beauty, my grace,

Converting the good memories into hate, regret, despair.

But my intentions were for the sake of survival,

So that you can feel no remorse, so you forget my beauty, forget our bliss.

You can say, “She never loved me. She only loved money. She is happy selling herself. She has other men in her life.”

I painted this false impression.

Yes, in my state of helplessness, I wanted you to believe these things, so you feel no guilt.

For hating me will make your life easier rather than seeing that I loved you with all my heart and life.

Though silent and concealed, God only knows the extent of my honor,

The secrets lay concealed in my heart.

______________________

For this post, I will share some meaningful, poetic lyrics to a song:

madhubala-tawaif

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya  – When we love, why should we fear?

The following lyrics are from the masterpiece film Mughal E Azam (1960) which is filled with the most enriching Urdu dialogue and songs. The film depicts the legend of Anarkali, the tragic tale of the Mughal Prince Salim and his love Anarkali, a courtesan. In the film, Anarkali sings the song Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya to defend her love with Prince Salim, and also to defend the honesty of her heart (she was accused of deceit). By revealing her heart in this song, she was risking her own life. Her honest heart lead to her imprisonment.  Her love, Prince Salim, also endured all the punishments for the sake of their love. For as the song says, “We have only loved, why should we be afraid?” The Urdu lyrics are powerful and expressed so beautifully. Visually, I love watching the actress Madhubala performs this song so eloquently. Here is a translation of the lyrics:

It is but once that man falls in love with another

In anguish he lives, in anguish he dies

When we have loved, why should we fear?

We have loved, not committed a theft

We have only loved

Why should we be afraid?

I’ll reveal today the secrets that stay in my heart

Death is what the world witnesses

What good is dying a death of sufferance like this?

We have loved, why should we fear?

In desire of him, I shall burn

For love, I shall live

For love, I shall die

Nothing more is my will

Now that I am in love, why must I fear?

Our love will not remain hidden

Everywhere around us are stories of our love

There is nothing that separates us from God

Why should we create barriers between humans?

We have loved, why should we fear?

Watch Madhubala’s beautiful performance of Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya in Mughal E Azam:

On a final note, here is another powerful line that is attributed to Anarkali:

While flowers wither away, “Thorns live not in fear of wilting”

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The Courtesan Life — My Own Experience

Azteca Goddess

In recent years, I consider myself a courtesan. I have my own definition of it, which is not universal by any means. For me, being a courtesan is, of course, being an ‘elite’ prostitute, yet a courtesan differs in two things:  (1) a courtesan is discerning with her clientele, and (2) has autonomy over her body/business. I have not always been a courtesan; in my initial years, I was a ‘high-end’ prostitute/escort. For some, there is no difference. But for myself, there is a difference. As a courtesan, I attract a slightly different clientele. On the other hand, when I used to work for establishments/agencies, I was available to almost any client that would choose and pay for me.

As a courtesan, I have my own business, I have control over what I do, who I see, how much I charge, and when I want to work. I feel blessed to have this ‘good’ situation as a prostitute, yet I’m mindful of it’s fragility (which I will mention later in this post). For the most part, I see regular clients, and then occasionally I like to advertise and see new clients. Unlike most prostitutes, a courtesan does not see just any man who’s willing to pay — this is the difference. I am picky. Men who contact me are, at first, candidates, and then I sift through those who I feel would be good clients. I can only hope my judgement is good. What has resulted from my ‘sifting’ methods is that I have clients who seek companionship and passionate intimacy. In other words, almost all of my clients want the GFE, or ‘Girlfriend Experience.’

In my previous work, working in agencies/establishment, a lot of clients also wanted GFE, yet the settings played a role in how meetings played out. In an establishment/agency, the limitations are more rigid, such as time limits and rates. It’s less personal in some cases, while meetings can also become quite intimate. After all, I met both my romantic Ex-fiance and my Sheik in a brothel setting. I attracted a variety of men while working ‘inside,’ from men who desired ‘quickies,’ to fetish enthusiasts, to men who desired ‘passionate love-making and conversation.’ To be quite honest, I liked the variety of the brothel setting. Sometimes I miss it. The variety, as a courtesan, is less.

As a courtesan, as mentioned, I attract romantic types. The clients are mostly very lovely. While sifting through candidates, I usually choose highly educated men and/or men who seem soft/affectionate. Seems ideal right? Well, I should feel thankful. But strangely enough, being too passionate and too romantic with various men is sometimes difficult. Most of my clients want to make me cum, kiss my body, kiss my lips, cuddle, talk about life, etc. While it sounds great in theory (because I love those things) it’s very difficult sometimes to do those things with men I DON’T LOVE.

For instance, I met a very sweet client a few months ago. He has such a kind and generous heart. When we meet, he always wants to make sure I feel good. He never demands anything, but always offers to massage me, make me cum via his amazing oral skills, or discuss topics that I am interested in. Again, it sounds ideal, right? I really appreciate him, but I find his sweetness very overbearing. After wards, he will send me very sweet emails and tell me how much he enjoyed our time. There is nothing wrong with him, but I don’t feel any love towards him. I have other clients exactly like him in terms of being loving, devoted — yet with others I might feel some attraction, so it’s tolerable. In cases too overbearing, I may decline to see them again.

I can cum with clients whom I do not desire, of course it feels good at that moment, but then, sometimes, feelings of disgust emerge afterwards — not always, but sometimes I feel disgusted that his lips and tongue have coated every inch of my skin. Again, the ‘disgust’ is the result of not being in love nor attracted to him or his body. I don’t always feel so repulsed by such close intimacy with those I do not love, no. It really depends on my mood and my level of attraction towards someone. There are often times I am so aroused that I will forget my emotions and immerse myself with a client’s body, but I need to be attracted. It becomes tiresome to do it constantly without emotion/genuine attraction. I should mention that it’s typically single (bachelor) who become overbearing. Married clients, who are sweet like this, are more enjoyable, because they still remember it’s business at the end of the day.

 

Sex Sans Love?

eternallove

Love and attraction erases all those feelings of disgust/indifference. When I love, the very scent/smells/secretions of my lover become my drug, whereas the bodily fluids of someone I don’t love — it’s ghastly.  A very blunt, yet brilliant quote I heard (from the French film ‘Romance X’) said, “I don’t care who stuffs my cunt, but I can’t kiss someone I don’t love.” That statement has truth — the importance of taste and emotion. I do kiss some of my clients, but it can sometimes make me feel sickened — the feeling of attraction is not mutual.

Ironically, despite all that I said, I mentioned I miss the brothel variety of clientele. As a courtesan, I seldomly get clients who just want to fuck and leave. But sometimes, I want that!  At least once in a while — some variety! No romance, no philosophical conversations — just pure lust (ok, not always, but …again…variety is nice!). Often my clients write to me and say sweet and sentimental things like, “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you again.” Sometimes, I crave the opposite. They never write things like, “I need your hot pussy.” This relates to my persona as an assertive woman (a Femdom), because most clients do not want to disrespect or anger me.

Why do I attract this type, while some other women attract the opposite? I am a bit dominating in an indirect way. My clients, perhaps, detect that I would never tolerate anything less than politeness and respect. It sounds very arrogant what I am saying, but I am speaking of my ‘facade’  (the way I portray myself, not necessarily the reality). When I am in courtesan mode, I act a certain way, dress and present myself in a certain way that is different from my non-work persona.  As I mentioned, I can dress myself to be a ‘Goddess’ and perform it — but in day to day life I’m rather simple.

 

Pragmatic, Not Arrogant

Arrogance is not an attitude I recommend. But unfortunately, arrogance is something many escorts develop from being paid for their time. One thing I always ask myself is: How can long will I be able to be ‘picky’ with my clients? How long will my charm to besot men last?  I am always mindful that, perhaps, one day I wont be in demand. A courtesan/escort/prostitute must never be too comfortable in their position. Times may be good, exceptional — ideal. But nothing is fixed. One must always prepare for the inevitable — aging, an accident, emotional issues, an economic crisis, loss of regulars clients, etc. Despite my ‘ideal’ situation, I  try to always be mindful that this ‘status’ can be gone in an instant. If I rely too much on my physical looks — I must ask, “How many clients will still desire me if I didn’t have my face and body?” Indeed, some of my regular clients are loyal to my mind, body and soul — not just physical — but still, there is no security this work. Prostitutes can still retain their beauty (inner and outer) and success even when they get older and age (yes). But if one simply lives off their ego and superficiality — the span is very short for such women.

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