Category Archives: The Sheik

The Calm after the Storm – Erotic Reconciliation

Image

On this eve, I told him that this was the last day, and henceforth I will never speak to him again. It was only to be a quick goodbye. But I admit, one week without his beautiful cock and delicious body was making me crave him intensely.

I opened the door. We locked eyes. We both started to cry. One week before, I was furious and angry. I decided to start a big fight with him. I threw him out. He was innocent, as he’s my devoted lover. But sometimes, I just want out. Only later, I realize how inseparable we are.

Being the respectful man he is, he didn’t dare cross my ruling. After all, he knows how ruthless I can be when I am angry. When he arrived, I permitted a hug. The hug was so warm, that it was impossible to let go. He didn’t let go, as he started to bury his face in my neck. The familiar scent of love. He already knows every inch of my body…

Rather purposely, I dressed exquisitely sexy. My sumptuous breasts were well displayed in an elegant silk gown that clung tightly to my curves. My make up was perfect. My hair was fragrant, flowing and shining. My lips were on full display in a deep red lipstick. And my scent….. seeped out in every motion I made. My appearance was only to emphasize that I was in the mood to be devoured.

But this time, everything was emotional. I, his lady, was telling him that everything is over. Whilst we hug, he started to cry more. And then my own tears started falling intensely. For some reason, both of us believed that this was actually the real ending, the real good-bye.

But the hug made us both weak. Whilst in tears, I found myself biting my lips and clenching between my thighs. He grabbed me tightly while hugging, so my breasts were pressed against his own chest. How could I resist his delicious body, his euphoric scent seeping from his skin? But I did resist. I pulled away. I walked away….with one finger nervously on my lips. I knew he was fully scanning my body as I walked away, as this is why I intended to dress in such a racy gown. We stared at each other. But I quickly diverted my eyes and looked away. He continued to stare. “You look so beautiful baby.” In a rather vain nod, I just acknowledged his comment.

Although I was silent, my intentions were very clear by my eyes. All I was thinking was “Take my body now.” But no such words were said. He knew that underneath my silk gown was a soft, voluptuous, warm, aroused body — the body of his beloved. He also knows that I, his lady, am addicted to his touch. No words needed to be said.

I sat down, and tried to hide the fact that I was deeply deprived from not having his dick inside me for over one week. It’s torturous, as we are addicted to each others bodies. In that short separation, I had felt extreme sadness, and also extreme desire for pleasure. I went crazy with clients in that week, as it was the only way to express all my desire reserved for his body. But he is not replaceable.

He came closer. He sat beside me. He started to smell me, and hug me again. He was still crying. I kept still, silent, and I didn’t move. But I couldn’t stop breathing, nor biting my lips in anticipation. Was it a good idea to continue touching? Then he gave me a small kiss, which meant there was no way of stopping now. Suddenly, we started kissing intensely. After 3 years together, why were kisses on this particular night so intense and beautiful tasting? Deprivation.

I felt myself getting intensely wet as soon as his lips were touching mine. The taste of his lips and the smell of his body was making me lose control. He opened my gown, and caressed my warm breasts, and buried his face in my nipples. “I missed your smell so much baby,” he said. That’s exactly what I was thinking too, as his delicious smelling body was touching mine. Every move he made was exactly what I wanted. His hands slid under my panties, and his fingers felt the slippery wetness that was seeping out. Yes, it’s all for you, I thought silently.

I got up, and he followed me. He hugged me from behind, rubbing his hardness against my warm behind. He then caressed one of his favorite parts of my body — my derrière. He knelt down and started kissing my body from behind. His face was buried in my bottom, and he licked me all the way down to my feet. But on this particular moment, I didn’t want any romance — I didn’t want to be teased and worshipped. We’ve made love and did naughty things in many different ways, but on this particular moment I just wanted him inside me. I missed his hard, thick cock so much. I pulled off his pants. He took off his shirt. I licked his neck and licked his nipples…..oh, did I mention how beautiful was his scent?! I melted just inhaling and tasting his fragrant body…

I laid down on my back, and he opened my legs. I wanted him inside me right at that moment. He was just about to enter me, but he then put his face between my thighs and started licking my pussy. It felt intense, but I couldn’t stop thinking about his cock. I motion him to get up, so he could push his manhood inside of me. I was craving it so dearly, as my pussy was extremely wet and tight in anticipation.

As soon as he entered me, I screamed. He moaned too, which sounded so sexy. Both of us were in ecstasy. I grabbed him tight, digging my nails into his back at moments. The shape of his beautiful manhood and the way he fucks me makes me want to cum so hard. My pleasure is always first, and he fucks me in whichever manner I instruct. As he says, “I know every part of your body baby, I know exactly what you like.” And he’s absolutely right.

The kisses didn’t stop, as we were locked in each others lips whilst he penetrated me. I screamed so loud while he made me cum with his manhood, and I went crazy whilst he continued to push it deep inside me. I scream, “More baby…more…” I still wanted more, but he was ready to explode, where he came intensely. We collapsed on the bed, as if still in a trance. We held each other tight as we recovered from the intense pleasure. Of course, this was only the first round of pleasure, and only a very basic depiction of love-making for us…….as my Sheik and I have explored many different ways of giving each other pleasure.

On that particular evening, my intention of separation was, inevitably, revoked…..

13 Comments

Filed under My Erotic Writings, The Sheik

A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

heart

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old proverb (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I didn’t appreciate his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, generous amount of savings, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. The things I desire are family, good friendships and love. And to have a family with security and protection (something I didn’t have) I desire stability with the man I love — a man that I once had, but I threw him away. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if life is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together. I love him, but I cannot bare the idea that our love will never blossom into something truly symbolic: a family.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means that he will lose his family, his career. Staying here means our children will have only one set of grandparents, from my side. Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways. Our love is a classic example of how the cruel forces of politics and society are preventing us from establishing our basic desires.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

—————————————–

Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

19 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Dealing with Depression, Memories, My Poetry and Others, Relationships, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Pain mixed with Pleasure, Loneliness, Passion, Hopelessness and Misery…

People assume its just so easy to exit from the sex industry. The financial rewards and lifestyle are so attractive compared to other alternatives, so quitting is often met with severe withdrawals. There are many other factors making it difficult to exit. There are no real alternatives to exit the sex industry. There are no social support networks that eliminate the FACTORS that placed women in prostitution — how can we eliminate the ills of society? There will always be inequality in a capitalistic system — it’s comprised of the “haves” and the “have nots.”

Most escorts, including myself, fall in love and hope their lover will ‘protect’ them, but that’s not addressing the entire problem. Not all escorts want to quit, nor do all escorts want to be dependent on one man. Our problems can be multiple: the addiction to money, the stigma, and lack of social acceptance, the desire for love/acceptance. There are services for various addictions, but where is the help for women addicted to selling their bodies?

Another problem is denial. For years, I felt the sex industry didn’t actually impact my happiness, I felt above it’s implications. Initially, I thought the money could solve all my worries, but then I realized my shallowness was leaving me feeling empty . Even worse, I gained so much pride (ego) from making fast-money. I felt having money and autonomy would override my pain.  Clients further gave me the impression I was in “good shape” because they always compliment on how I was so ‘normal.’ Many clients enjoyed me because they thought the industry didn’t affect me. Yet it’s all fake, and lies. My ego was a mask, hiding the empty soul inside. I made sure that people saw I was confident, while on the inside I felt misery, insecurity and hopeless. What causes this pain is the stigma, because we are marginalized for not conforming to the norms.

I am accustomed to tuning out my emotions because of this job. I am a master at being fake — faking a smile, faking happiness  — it’s become normal to me. I hide my pain, but sometimes its unbearable that I just retreat from everything and everyone. We cannot run away from our emotions…they will never go away unless we deal with them.

I am scared to trust. I constantly fear abandonment, rejection. I retreat before I can be neglected. I use my work (prostitution) as a method that allows me to ‘profit’ from being neglected. Men can use my body at their advantage and neglect me at the same time. Yet somehow, the money is supposed to compensate for this act of neglect. Basically, prostitution is saying it is OKAY to neglect someone if you pay them off. I make a lot of money to be used. In my case, however, it isn’t as terrible as I am making it seem….I am treated respectfully, thankfully. Clients do not hurt me physically, and in reality my clients are extremely polite and respectful of my rules as a courtesan. I do not blame clients either, because not all clients have the intention of neglecting me. Many men tip generously, and many feel their money will ‘help’ me.  However, the money does NOT erase the emotional turmoil of being hated by mainstream society. Now I finally understand the cliche of “having all in the money in the world, yet all material things become meaningless.”

Some clients are aware of this disconnect, which also affects them. I’ve encountered many clients who, if they had the chance, would love to be with me and make me happy.  After all, my ex was my client, and he wanted to protect me. As mention, there are a minority of clients who are fearful of rejection themselves: These clients are looking for belonging and THEY, themselves, are rejected by prostitutes. Ironically, I also have to reject and indirectly neglect men. I encounter clients who have feelings for me, yet I am not interested at all. Many of my clients want love and companionship, not just sex.  While I appreciate my admirers, I do not love them. I have to remind them that I cannot get involved with them beyond business. The only exceptions has been my ex, the Sheik, and a few others whom I felt a connection too. I can share my body for money, but I cannot share my soul so easily. I feel sad when I think about all the lovely men I meet who want something that I cannot give them outside the confines of business: love. As an escort, I try my best to make good-hearted clients feel good while we are together. Now, it might seem understandable why one of my friends jokingly referred to me as the “Mother Teresa” of prostitutes.

Yet for the Sheik, I am just a woman on lease — a temporary wife. Many Saudis in modern times hire maids, cleaners, drivers, and temporary ‘pleasure’ women like myself. Sometimes I feel like his worker too; his lover on lease. Yet he claims to love me more than his own life, swears by god and his mother’s life. I do believe he loves me, given he treats me exceptionally well. But his version of love is conditional, and moreover he doesn’t know the importance of love. Some Saudis have this mentality: that money buy can anything. Money buys maids, drivers, and sex….and its  “okay.” But how many Saudis feel empathy for the lives of their workers ? Do they feel guilt or remorse? I hardly doubt it. Sadly, many are far too “Arab-centric”….what doesn’t concern them is not important. I don’t think my Sheik has this mentality, but I’ve encountered many Gulf men who are hardly concerned with the fate of their workers.

The irony of it all is that he, my love, treats me better than himself. He buys whatever I want, and doesn’t buy for himself. He does whatever I want, and all he wants in return is my love. He has designated me as the Queen…and he even loves if I refer to him as my “slave.” He is, for the moment, completely devoted to me in both words and action. Yet I must always remind myself: this is love on a lease. He may treat me like his Goddess now, but the reality is he does not think about my future. In his mentality, he thinks giving me lots of money is helping me, and somehow, he feels his generosity can compensate for neglecting me later on.  Some Saudi men justify temporary love, because temporary love has been propagated as ‘halal’ by their state officials. It is sanctioned in state discourses by way of Misyaar and Muta (temporary) marriages. Sadly, many men exploit these laws for their selfish motives. There is nothing ‘halal’ about neglecting a woman, and thinking it can be fixed by financial compensation.

I hide my pain. It’s the fault of the ego I developed from making fast money .. Yet it’s all a facade. I am happy with him, yet it’s followed by unhappiness when I am alone and reflect on everything. I go out and put on my ‘happy face” but when I retreat I feel the wound . I am a deep wound concealed by layers of superficial bliss.

Sometimes the pain unbearable. No one can understand because I portray myself as strong and wise. But the truth is I’m so damaged inside . I don’t pity myself … But sometimes I feel envious of those who had easy lives. Nobody would care even if I did pity. They will say I choose to sell myself and that I could have made better choices.

The Saudi double standard. A stab to my heart… That it’s okay to use me….how does he feel about it all?! A man who claims to love me yet has no intention to marry. It’s selfish.

Do Escorts Enjoy their Lives? Maybe on the outside. We portray our lives as great, luxurious, perfect , but it’s concealing the pain that brought us to serving men we don’t love. Of course, however, many of our clients are also serving us — so it would be incorrect to say all prostitutes are being degraded. Nonetheless, our pride forces us to hide the pain. We are forced to defend our ‘choices’….and defend the lives we made for ourselves…and deny the truth to ourselves. Short term happiness, and long-term depression. Bouts of happiness, followed by retreats of deep thinking and questioning. What sort of happiness did this bring me?

39 Comments

Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Being in Love and Escorting at the Same Time – Can’t Have Both

Being with a man I love and being a successful escort at the same time only works in theory. In reality, one or the other will be strained. For me, my work becomes strained. I cut down clients, because it’s harder to ‘tune’ out my emotions when I’m in love. Alternatively, if I put more emphasis in escorting, then my relationship will be strained. I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Falling in love …it’s the worst thing for me as a sex worker. I become ‘stained.’ Stained, in a metaphorical way, in that my lover, the Sheik, has marked me (emotionally, physically, spiritually). The love consumes me at every moment. I only want to be with my love, nobody else. As a result, I am lazy when with other men (clients).

When I’m in love, it’s like I become chemically ‘marked’ by  his love… his scent never leaves my skin. It’s as if his scent stays with me to ward off other men and say, “This woman is off-limits.” His scent is there when I am with clients. I have withdrawals from this special ‘scent’ when it’s not with me. And the clients can detect it: they know my heart, mind and soul belong to another man.

I become a lazy, uninterested and mechanical service provider to my clients when I am in love. This is the second time it has happened to me. It happened when I was in love with my ex, and I could no longer see clients because the idea of letting other men touch me was unimaginable. And now, with the Sheik…the same is happening. I barely work, but occasionally I see the odd client or two (my Sheik, of course, has no knowledge of this). It’s extremely difficult to sit there with a man who I have NO attraction too…and lay in his arms and be pleasant, because all I am thinking of is how much I hate it.

Yet I need the money. The Sheik provides for me…but I need to stay in the business to meet other goals. I don’t want to become too dependent on the Sheik — no no no — I must not rely on his money, or his love. Dependency is a dangerous area, which I don’t want to be in. Yet I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes, I wish it was easy just to abandon this love. But it’s not easy

8 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Relationships, The Escorting Business, The Sheik

The Beginning of the End — But When?

It has now been over one year since we met.

The Sheik and I.

A few month ago, I tried a new angle to view our relationship: Live for today, because one cannot predict tomorrow. In other words, enjoy the moments now even though the future is undetermined. It sounded great in theory, but unfortunately reality kicks in.

I am starting to lose my mind. I have been suppressing all my emotions. Ensa al alam…we literally have forgotten the world, the realities of life in the recent months together. We are indeed happy and growing closer every day. As we get close, a part of me dies inside. Our growing love will equate to the growing hate that is to come.

Quarreling has began. I start it. I pour out all my emotions. Tears fall and our wet faces mash together in an emotional embrace. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to assert some power, but I have realized I am so weak. I tell him to leave….but he won’t leave me.

Our relationship has a shelf-life. There are a couple more years, and then it will expire. There is still a generous transaction that has existed the entire duration of our relation. I am grateful for it, but it sometimes feels insulting when money is used to compensate for a future. He knows I love him beyond my profession, yet I am still the courtesan. I used to think the monetary riches could compensate for the wholesome things he cannot give me (family, children, home), but no amount of money can save me from this pain. I could demand anything I want at this point, yet I don’t. What I want are not ‘things’..what I want is something beyond any material — I want our future.

And he loves ‘us’ now, because it’s convenient now. Yet ‘us’ in future tense can never be. Political barriers to our union, and cultural barriers. I could wait until the expiration date, and see how/if he fights against these barriers. But why should I hope when the odds are against us? Some say I should enjoy the moments now, but I crave the impossible. I crave a family’s blessings and family surroundings, and being surrounded by children. We are so deeply isolated in our love.

I watched a film recently. A French/Arabic film, titled “Rajah.” I cried immensely. The film depicts a hapless woman who is trying to leave her life as a prostitute. She wants to find ‘honest’ work, and she does. She yearns for ‘honest’ love too, and she gets that too. Only later, this ‘honest’ man turns out to be like the others — a man loving her while neglecting her of her dignity at the same time.

The Sheik loves me. I can end it, and suffer now. It is him who won’t stop the chase. Perhaps he knows my weakness, and he plays my addiction, or maybe not. When I threaten to bail, he panics. He can have any woman he wants, but he submits to all my desires and, ironically (being a Saudi male), he caters to me, the woman. He treats me with utmost importance, love, and respect. Is it a farce, or is it his helplessness?

My ex-fiance gave up his life to be with me, and I rejected him. He was eager to give me love, family, a home, and children. Now, I yearn for a future with a man who will never compromise his life for our love. I keep dreaming….a dream that has no destination.

2 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, The Sheik

They say ..”Love is Stronger than Pride..”

Scars always remain…just like the stain on my veil will never go away. In this sense, I will always be a prostitute. Inshallah one day I will stop and do something that truly makes me happy, but regardless….I will always have a unique perspective on life that I cannot share with most.

I mentioned in previous posts how I conform to social norms in public settings. This society is not kind to those who do not conform. To avoid out-casting myself, I conform when I must. Sometimes, I have to pretend to be “sweet and innocent”…..when inside I’m feeling depressed and bitter about life.

More than often I am in the company of a ‘normal’ women. When I say ‘normal’ I am referring to women who do not sell their bodies (and women who probably condemn the idea of prostitution). Of course, I am a master of disguise. I blend in well. I pretend to be like them, and share commonalities. But the truth is I am deeply damaged inside compared to these girls. My life experiences differ vastly. I enjoy meeting new people, but only for a short amount of time. If I cannot be myself and feel comfortable, I’d rather avoid the situation. I prefer to be in company of people who know the ‘real’ me now.

On a personal note. I am deeply in love. The best things in life happen when one does not expect it. It has now been one year since the Sheik and I met. I cannot leave him. He is the first to greet me in the mornings and the last one to kiss me goodnight. We may not have the chance to share our life together forever, but we share our moments together now. He loves me, and I love him …and that’s all that matters. Our love has progressed with every kiss. In the past posts, I was always complaining about our love, but now I feel like saying “Alhamdolillah”….because I must be thankful….he has been a great addition into my life.

3 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, The Sheik