Category Archives: “High-class” prostitution

The Conflict: Falling in Love with A Prostitute/Escort – Part 1

drenched rose

As if love isn’t already complicated among ‘normal’ individuals, but how immensely complicated is LOVE with a prostitute. Love with a woman who shares her body to numerous others.

There is a theme of responses on my blog: a man loves a woman who sells her body and he seeks advice. My blog consists of numerous comments by men who have expressed a deep conflict in reconciling their love/emotions with a sex worker. The responses range from wholesome male lovers of prostitutes, whom express deep concern and understanding about the well-being of their lady-love, and then there are others, whom express hostility towards women-of-the-night.

Why does this conflict of love with a prostitute exist? Why are men writing to my blog with confusion, burning hearts, and pain from their experience of loving a prostitute? Why can’t a prostitute simply quit her work if she truly loves another? Can it really be love if she is still sleeping with other men? How can intimacy between a prostitute and her lover be special if she is sharing her body with other men? I attempt to answer such questions on my blog, given that other wholesome outlets are scarcely available.

In Love with a Sex Worker? A Word of Caution When Seeking Advice from Outsiders and others who claim to know:

Not all women who sell themselves are the same. Yes, there are similarities in certain aspects, but also great diversity in our personalities, lifestyles and upbringings. Therefore, one must be cautious when seeking advice from outsiders who tend to premise their arguments on the notion that all prostitutes have the same motivations, values and lifestyles –such sterotypes are invalid. Seeking any wholesome advice on being in love with a prostitute is very much prone to bias from outsiders who have little-to-zero personal experience with such women (outsiders who’s perspectives are shaped heavily by stereotypes)– It is important to remember that just because someone knows/visits prostitutes does NOT mean they got personal with them.There are so many disgusting attitudes that exist in forums and other internet sites about prostitutes in general, which is the result of a over centuries worth of discourses aimed at reducing prostitutes into degraded stereotypes. It is very easy to dismiss a prostitute as being “soulless,” “selfish,” “lazy,” and “having no dignity” if her behaviour is upsetting to someone. This mentality is not only erroneous, but lacks any sense of empathy or broader understandings. One commenter (“Mike”) on the blog epitomizes this hateful mentality. He commented in response to a paragraph I wrote:

“An escort is no different than any other human being. Yes, her lifestyle is different, but she/he is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such cruel view needs to be challenged.” – Sahar

“Mike’s” Response:

I have to completely disagree with this view; and I say this as a hobbyist who has dated a Korean prostitute in Los Angeles. The only reason why I dated her was because I was led to believe she was going to quit her line of work and to be fair I promised to quit hobbying. I was genuine and she was filled with lies.

Yes, people are deserving of love…all people who choose to be in a monogamous relationship. The reality with most women who sell their bodies is this–they are very selfish, self-centered and jealous. It is okay for them to sell their bodies 8-10 clients a day but when her boyfriend needs a release and goes to another provider (because the gf/escort won’t see him at her work place) she gets very upset. Talk about a double standard.

Personally speaking, if an escort truly loves someone, she would understand her line if work would be very difficult for a man to deal with. Knowing this, true love would lead her away from her kine of work. It’s called compromise and respect. But it appears escorts simply want everything their own way and want a man to love them in the same fashion a man would love a genuinely kind and respectable woman who isn’t a prostitute. That is very very very…unreasonable in my opinion.

What I found amusing, during a heated argument I told her she is a deceitful, compulsive lying, trash of a person. A whore. A prostitute.

“I can’t believe that is how you think of me!” She exclaimed. Well, what am I to think of her? Classy, elegant, trustworthy, respectful? ?? She screws over a thousand men a year for money when most other women make something of themselves by working hard, going to school etc… she made a deal with the devil and when she is old and grey on her death bed…that is when it will finally hit her–OMG, I will die as a whore.”

What is apparent from Mike’s response is his complete lack of understanding why the lady continued to sell herself, why she couldn’t just quit so easily, why she is hesitant to give up her independence, and moreover, why she doesn’t resort to working for a 70-90% reduced income at a ‘normal’ job. How does Mike rationalize this? He just reduces her to a whore, in a derogatory, stereotypical sense. Yep, according to him, that explains everything. There are many Mikes in this world, both men and women. That’s what happens when a population is constantly bombarded with hateful propaganda towards a certain group, they internalize it. Such tactics are no different than the internalized racism that is prevalent in the world today. It is the laziest form of incorrect reasoning, but what can one expect? We are not all given the liberty of pondering about the wider implications of the human experience. I thought it might be worthy to share my response to the “hobbyist” aka Mike:

My Response:

“One reason I wrote this blog was to complicate terms and concepts that are prevalent in society about escorts/prostitutes, such as labelling them as: selfish, lazy, whores (in the derogatory sense), etc. I wanted to show how and why these attitudes exist, and how they are constructed by whom and for what purpose. And yet your comment, which is not surprising, fails to grasp any of what I’ve tried to convey.

First off, since you subscribe yourself as a’hobbyist’ I am quite sure your mentality of escorts is quite disheartening. Your comment is indicative that you are one of those people who fail to ‘read between the lines.’ You’ve taken your own experience of ‘not getting your way’ with a woman whom happens to be a sex worker, and then you make the hasty generalization that most escorts are “selfish, self-centered and jealous.” And from your experience, there is not one ounce of trying to understand the underlying issues, nor the underlying meanings of her actions, perhaps.

From what you have written, it is clear that you have accepted the so-called ‘moral’ social norms within society, and thus you have ZERO comprehension of how societal norms are socially constructed (often to serve political agendas). So, let’s take a look at the typical norms that you have clearly internalized (ie: accepted as ‘righteous’ without any critical analysis). Firstly, according to you, women whom have sex with multiple men are somehow terrible ‘immoral’ people. Secondly, according to you, women whom are sex workers are apparently undeserving of love/commitment if they cannot quit their job. With your logic, you fail to realize that most women do not actively ‘choose’ this lifestyle, but rather were ‘pushed’ into it for economic factors. As hard as it is to understand, yes, a prostitute can be loyal to a man she loves whilst seeing other clients — you clearly cannot understand this. But let’s imagine if a prostitute did, in fact, enjoy some of her clients or perhaps she does NOT want to be monogamous — is she suddenly a terrible immoral person? Clearly, a woman’s sexuality that’s not ‘controlled’ is very threatening to you (which again, is not surprising, because that’s what our current society tells us).

I’m glad this Korean woman is not with you, because she deserves a man who has a better understanding of the things she keeps silent. You are quite naïve to think a prostituted woman can simply just leave her work for love or that leaving her work is a requirement for love. There are lovers of prostitutes who understand the emotional conflict that prostitutes face. These decent men are patient, compassionate and understanding. Rather than reduce her to being lazy, selfish, or a ‘whore,’ decent men actually try to understand sex workers and are willing to take on an unconventional relationship for the sake of love. Yes, it can seem that many prostitutes are simply living for themselves, and thus one gets the impression that they are ‘selfish’ or perhaps ‘lazy’ because they don’t want to conform to the capitalist work ethic. But there are so many complicated factors of WHY women are doing this, WHY they cannot quit so easily, WHY they feel its better to stay in the industry and be independent, WHY women are stigmatized for living alternative lifestyles, etc. I am glad that woman left you, because clearly she deserves a man who loves her and can stay loyal to her whilst understanding that leaving her job is not so easy.”

exotic-courtesan-painting

Breaking the Stereotypes:

In this post, I do not mean to imply that all escorts are decent beings. Indeed there are escorts who happen to be, perhaps, selfish and heartless, but that is NOT solely because she happens to sell herself. I’ve witnessed in other internet discussions where sometimes prostitutes, themselves, aid stereotypes such as “prostitutes are always acting” or “they are masters at faking love and emotions.” Other ideas one commonly hears is that “a prostitute will have sex with anyone for money”– a notion exists that we all apparently have NO standards when it comes to making money. These stereotypes irritate me since I am a prostitute and those ideas do not represent me at all. As mentioned previously, I never fake love or even fake orgasms. Again, not all escorts are working within the same dynamics or have the same motivations. For instance, an escort who has a pimp and has a very hardened outlook on clients will have a very different persona/lifestyle than an escort, like myself, who works part-time and doesn’t view all clients as one monolith. Even within each dynamic, diversity will exist. One must remember that good and bad exists in all walks of life. For those in love with sex workers, one should view their lover as a human first — sex work does shape one, but does not make one any less good or evil.

We’ve all been in one of those situations where someone makes a casual remark about how “you can’t trust whores” or they will rationalize a woman’s behavior by simply stating “Well, she’s a whore, what can you expect.” As I have tried to illustrate in this post, this logic is flawed and dehumanizing. I wonder how people would feel when they realize how many everyday prostitutes (who did not actively choose to be in the sex industry) are living very private lives, are only having sex for love or money (survival), and still retain common decency.

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My apologies that this post did not give much advice for those in love or having feelings for a working lady, but I recommend browsing the comments in my blog where I answer such questions. Below is recent advice I gave to a gentleman who asked how he can better understand his lady love:

“Be strong and expect hurdles [in the relationship] — it is normal. She will likely have a hard time changing her lifestyle, and it may take time. Give her time. Be patient. Be realistic. And be supportive. Ask her clearly what she wants. If there is mutual love between yourself and her, then don’t listen to the negative perspective of outsiders (whom clearly don’t understand that prostitutes are human like everyone else).”

Here is great link that gives wholesome advice for men who are in a relationship/in love with a prostitute. Here is the link Below:

How to Date a Sex Worker

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For my readers: What has your experience been?

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Relationships

Questions and Answers # 6 – Escorts, the Sex Industry, Pleasure, Sexuality

Escorts

1. How Do Prostitutes Please men? What Skills do Prostitutes have to please men? What are sexual techniques of prostitutes?

In my own experience, clients use their skills on me. For the most part, I never had to use any particular ‘skill’ to please them.

I have found questions like these circulating quite often. Since “how do prostitutes please men” is often being asked, then it is apparent there is a huge misconception with the sex industry. This idea that prostitutes are ‘skilled’ in sex is heavily misleading. Generally, it doesn’t require special sexual skill to be a prostitute, even an elite one. Prostitutes do not necessarily use special sexual techniques to entertain clients. Surely, escorts learn over the years about certain desires and become more confident, but it does not mean they require exceptional physical ‘skills’ necessarily. Opening ones legs, or bending over is not really a ‘special’ skill that’s unlike any other conventional sexual script.

As a courtesan, I do not actually have specific ‘skills’ or techniques that I strategically use on my clients. Rather, most of my clients derive their pleasure from pleasing me. They meet me. They see my body. They are besotted by my overall presence. My erotic appeal is, at first, visual….it’s my smile, my eyes, my body language. Otherwise, I do not perform any special sexual manoeuvres to seduce them. I just act myself in the moment, and we go with the flow. Most of the time, clients are already turned on (erect) by just meeting, seeing, talking, or touching the lady of their choosing.

When I first started this job, I really had little knowledge or experience with sex. When clients would meet me, they would be immensely aroused by just looking at me. My beauty, demeanour, and personality ignited their flames. I had no idea, back then, on how to act with clients. My experience is slightly biased, though, because of my body type. My body and the way I conduct myself, somehow, evokes submissiveness in many clients. I have a very womanly body, with very large breasts. Most clients want to, as some say, ‘worship,’ my body. Generally, kissing and caressing my body arouses them, so by the time we have sex, they are ready to explode. And when sweet men kiss and caress my body, with love and care, I am often very receptive to their touch and enjoy the embrace. So in actuality, it is clients who perform their skills on me, initially.

When I connect with certain clients of mine, it’s not so much the acts of sex, but rather the overall connection (the conversation, the caresses, the touches, the comfort). This is unique to every encounter, as it plays out differently with different clients.

The alluring part of seeing prostitutes is the overall setting — the fact there is no social pressures, obligations or expectations. A man can feel more at ease with a prostitute for a variety of reasons. She might be more sexually confident in how she conducts herself, or perhaps open-minded or explorational. Or just the fact she is attractive might be satisfying enough.

Unlike myself, many escorts are not welcoming of pleasure. A lot of the sex that occurs between prostitutes and clients is mechanical, and very ’empty.’ This is due to the reality that most sex workers in a contemporary context are not selling themselves for personal pleasure, but rather purely for financial needs. In such cases, the sex that occurs is often conventional, and not outlandish or strikingly ‘exotic’ as one may think. Clients can still cum even when there is no connection established. On the other hand, the minority of escorts, like myself, who do enjoy aspects of their job, might utilize mental and intellectual skills to connect with clients. The sex becomes special, not because of physical acts, but because of the connection established. As I say numerous times on my blog, amazing sex is based on chemistry of two bodies (a rather spiritual bond that cannot be learned, nor forced through ‘skill.’).

2. How to Behave like a High-Class Prostitute?

I stress the importance of being yourself. There are, unfortunately, some expectations associated with being a high-class prostitute, such as dressing a certain way, or mimicking the ‘elite.’ But honestly, one can still be a high-end prostitute and avoid these things. Some men care about fancy lingerie, while others don’t care at all. Some care about being polished, while others aren’t focused on such details. In essence, no matter how one behaves, an escort can NEVER appeal to all. If one is trying to manipulate their behavior, in order to achieve some sort of  ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ persona, they are setting themselves up for disappointment. Yes, even the most beautiful woman (by societies commercialized standards) can be unappealing for certain men, as there is so much variety in attraction.

3. Is it wrong to do sex with an Escort?

It’s ‘wrong’ if you internalize the idea of it being wrong. The mass shame associated with sexuality and sexual expression has a history, which the French philosopher Michel Foucault shows in “A History of Sexuality” is a modern European phenomenon, that emerged in the late  19th Century pertaining to the European obsession with trying to ‘scientifically’ define sex. The remains of these constructed ideas still exist — in social attitudes, in laws, etc. If you understand the history of sexuality, then you will likely understand why many people feel there is ‘shame’ with certain sexualities, sex acts or perhaps an ‘excess’ of it.

Bare in mind that prostitutes/courtesans have existed in other times and places where they were celebrated and held important status in certain societies. The contexts were vastly different than today. The ills of sex work today are related to the current social, political and economic context.

If you sleep with an escort, and you show her respect by being considerate, polite, treating her as an equal and paying her for her time,then how can it be wrong? But if you treat her like unjustly and insignificant, then yes…you are causing harm to another human soul.

rain drops

4. How do Escorts Stay Lubricated? How Does a Prostitute Get Wet?

We use lubrication gels or liquids, and apply them internally before seeing clients. When I first started this work, an older lady (a former prostitute) told a group of sex-workers and I a ‘wise’ technique. She said, “Lubricate yourself before you start the appointment rather than during the appointment. Try to give clients the illusion that you’re naturally wet, rather than letting him the know the reality that we’re not actually turned on.” I have always maintained this technique, but other escorts might apply the lube in front of the client.

Getting a woman aroused, or wet, is psychological; it requires genuine desire and arousal — and it’s impossible for a prostitute to feel genuine arousal with all of her clients. I get aroused in stances where I feel genuine attraction with someone I desire — and I am extremely picky in my attraction to others. Some of my clients I enjoy in sex, so in such cases I can bypass lubricants with them.

5. Do Sex Workers have Perfect Bodies?

This question really bothers me, because there is no such thing as one type of perfect body. Sadly, many people live in consumer, capitalistic societies where they are manipulated into believing that a shallow perfection exists. Thus, such manipulation makes one believe they are flawed and need to ‘improve’ themselves. What is perfection? Perfection, as with beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, subjective — there is no one type, or ‘ideal’ for all. This is the case in escorting, because what is ‘perfect’ for one client vastly differs from another. There are escorts of all shapes and sizes. Don’t fall for these tactics of believing in a perfect body type or look.

6: Do Escorts Prefer Rich Men?

I have wanted to address this question for a long time, because there is a stereotype of prostitutes willing to have sex with any man who offers them money. Some are more/less discerning than others. There is also an assumption that prostitutes strongly prefer wealthy men. My own personal preferences may differ from other escorts, because I prefer quality over quantity.  As a courtesan, I see clients very discerningly and sparingly. I am very picky with whom I see as clients, because I want to meet men whom I can potentially enjoy.  Thus, I choose men who I think will be a positive experience — regardless of social status. Wealth doesn’t imply decency, respect, pleasure, or even generosity. My brothel experiences, however, saw more variety of clients, less discerningly.

Indeed, escorts do love men whom are generous. But over the years, I have learnt that generosity does not mean one is necessarily rich or wealthy. I have met generous men from all social statures. Just because someone has a fancy job and wears fancy clothing does not mean he will be a good client, good at sex, or have a good heart, etc. Some clients may offer lots of money, yet at the compromise of an escorts comfort-level or dignity. When I lived overseas in a bigger city, there was a very tragic abundance of wealthy business men, who offered HUGE sums of money to high-class escorts to ‘party’ with them. By ‘party’ I am referring to doing drugs. Sadly, many escorts are lured to these clients because of the big pay-out. But is large sums of money worth the terrible, soul-less atmosphere? I try my best to avoid these type of clients. But sadly, many escorts do not. I feel sad when I see women chase certain wealthy men, whom have rather ‘soul-less’ attitudes and values. The money is not worth the degradation and consequences that follow. Indeed, not all wealthy clients are soul-less, as there are some wealthy clients whom, thankfully, retain humbleness.

I absolutely loath arrogant and chauvinist types (men who boast about their successes and money). I don’t care how much money is offered, my comfort is always first. For instance, I got a email the other day from a man who claimed to be a “wealthy business man.” I’m well aware of so-called ‘charming’ clients, so I rolled my eyes whilst reading his email. I have met lovely generous and/or wealthy men who do NOT need to boast about their financial success, so I am very skeptical about arrogant types. Anyway, this man had offered me a large sum of money for a multi-hour appointment. To top off his arrogance, he had to mention that he would be driving his self-claimed ‘luxury’ car. After I finished reading his email, I shook my head in dismay. Does he really think I am that stupid and shallow? Considering he’s that superficial, he will most likely be judging me on the same superficial basis. I could only imagine how uncomfortable I’d be with such an arrogant person. I wanted to email him back and give him a piece of my mind: “I am not interested in your money or car. I am not a senseless woman who is easily swayed by someone who’s only quality is his money!” But instead, I just ignored the email.

I have also had decent clients who have wanted to get more personal, and they made generous offers. But I was not comfortable with seeing them outside, such as dinners, outings or traveling. So I declined. Again, I don’t care how much money is offered, I will not go past my comfort level.

Looks can be misleading, so I learnt to not judge by first appearances. I will never forget one of my sweetest clients. It was in a brothel. When I first saw him, I felt scared. He was an extremely tall and broad man, with a very stern and hard looking face, and dressed in rugged, working-class attire — he looked like he would snap me in half. But as soon as we entered the bedroom, I heard his voice. He was a soft, gentle, sweet man. His intimidating appearance was softened instantly. He turned out to be extremely gifted in giving pleasure. He also gave me very generous tips after every appointment, which initially I found to be shocking because he looked rather rugged! There have been many others like him, where I misjudged upon first appearance, only to be later impressed by their kindness and generosity afterwards. Likewise, a client could be well-dressed, wearing expensive designer items, boasting of their successes, and voila, they turn out to be cheap. You can afford a Mercedes, and yet you are asking a prostitute for a discount?

Overall, great clients cannot be defined by their money. I have always liked humble men, who have kind hearts and good intentions, which comes in all walks of life. What saddens me is that escorts can be cruel themselves. When I was working in a brothel, I observed it was common for escorts to be rude to ‘unattractive’ or socially nervous clients. These were men who were  kind and sweet, yet because they appeared ‘uncool’ or timid they were treated cruelly by some escorts. I try my best not to judge clients on initial appearances, but rather judge by how they treat me. A genuinely warm heart and kind soul makes someone attractive in my eyes. So in essence, there is good and bad in all people, in all walks of life.

My Sheik is not from a wealthy Saudi family. I mistakenly assumed he was a wealthy Saudi, because he has always been extremely generous with me, starting from the first day we met. In reality, however, he is simply blessed with a highly skilled profession and education, accompanied by a very handsome salary. But he has no familial support. I used to wonder why he is extremely loving, devoted, and generous with me. Thanks to him, almost 3 years of my life have been eased by his sweetness. Despite all that he’s given, he never put conditions upon me. Instead, he let me control him, in an affectionate way. I have realized that those who have less often appreciate the value of something more than those whom have everything. My Sheik is so humble, which is why I love him so much. Blessed is his beautiful heart.

7: How would married men (who see escorts) feel if their wives slept with other men?

I was surprised to see this question. It’s funny, because I’ve often toyed this question with my own married clients: “How would you feel if your wife was sleeping with another man?” And funny enough, most of them said, “I wouldn’t accept it.”

8: Do Escorts Prefer Good Looking Men?

Looks are subjective. Personality is key. A beautiful personality can make everything beautiful — the way he talks, the way he touches, etc. A man who is only physically handsome isn’t really meaningful (in my personal view).

9. How to Drop a Fetish and Enjoy Normal Sex?

One should be cautious about the term ‘normal,’ which is why I always put quotations around this word. Norms are socially and culturally constructed, and thus norms mean different things in differing contexts. I was shocked to see this question, and then felt sad for whomever asked it. It’s so tragic that mainstream ideas of sex are so limiting, and that certain desires are categorized outside of the realm of ‘normal.’

Anything considered ‘normal/abnormal’ is simply a construction of a particular society. Norms change, and norms often reflect the interests of state power. Contemporary political elites promote what they constructed as ‘normal’ sex in a ‘normal’ relationship simply because they were/are concerned with reproduction — reproducing their workforce, their armies — which thereby sustains their power.  This is why ‘other’ sexualities are often stigmatized and/or condemned (via state/national campaigns), because any ‘uncontrolled’ relations that do not result in maintaining state power are seen as threatening. Thus, various discourses arise trying to convince populations to follow the ‘norm.’

Building off the work of Foucault, cultural anthropologist Gayle Rubin (1984) wrote the history about how sex ‘norms’ were categorized into ‘norms’ in the late 19th century by European medical professionals. Constructing these norms, of course, correlated with state political agendas — regulating the sexual lives of populations to maintain state interests. These sex ‘norm’ categorizations are widely critiqued and dismissed by academics now, yet sadly these sex ‘norms’ discourses still exist in mainstream society.  

In the chart below, Rubin illustrates what was constructed as ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ sex by Western medical professionals in the late 19th century. The acts in the inner circle are were deemed ‘normal,’ whilst the acts on the periphery were ‘abnormal’ acts. This mode of thinking is problematic on so many levels, making many false assumptions on sexuality. Tragically, these Victorian sexual norms prevailed as the West spread their dominance globally, and sadly many people still adhere to this discourse:

gayle-rubin-chart

What’s tragic is when people internalize this construction of what is ‘normal’ and therefore associate shame with anything ‘out of the norm.’ In reality, there has always been a diversity of sexual desires, and sexuality has been defined in vast different ways in other social and cultural contexts. One should be cautious of viewing certain things in strictly binary terms (good/bad, normal/abnormal, hetero/homo, etc).

Rather than drop a ‘fetish’, it’s better to find a partner who will embrace your desires. Erase this idea of ‘proper’ ways of having sex, because in reality there is are many ways of enjoying pleasure.

10. How Fast do Men Cum/Ejaculate with Escorts?

Clients are usually quite excited when meeting an escort, so most do not last long in sex. In some cases, men come even before the sex happens, just through touching. It’s common for clients to last under a minute. Some clients are embarrassed of cumming fast, and many try to last longer (fearing the escort will judge his performance). I cannot recall how many times clients have apologized to me for ejaculating quickly.

A lot of clients who cum fast try to compensate for their briefness in sex, so they spend a lot of time giving the woman pleasure beforehand. This has been my experience at least. I am sure many clients don’t care if they come fast, and don’t care what the escort thinks of their performance. But in my own experience, I find most of my clients (especially regular clients) want to perform good for me. They want to prolong the pleasure, so they spend time teasing me.

I’d imagine the whole idea of seeing an escort is exciting and arousing, so it’s not surprising when men release fast. They are usually instantly hard before we even start touching, and they get excited from just feeling my body.

11. How to Make a Prostitute Hornier?

Well firstly, be mindful if a prostitute has expressed an interest in exploring her sexuality with you. She might not be willing. What if she’s not really interested in sex? What if she’s not attracted to you?  One cannot force someone to get aroused.

Every woman is different in her sexual expression and desires, so it’s impossible to say what makes a prostitute, generally, horny. Bare in mind that many prostitutes are not very welcoming when clients try to get too intimate. In my case, I’m in the minority of prostitutes who does embrace pleasure with clients. For me, I am quite responsive to clients who are extremely respectful and make me feel completely relaxed. If they genuinely enjoy to massage and caress my whole body, in a way that makes me feel relaxed, then I usually feel somewhat turned on. On the other hand, I’m easily turned off by clients who assume they know what they are doing in sex and foreplay, in an arrogant manner. I’ve discussed this with other escorts too, and we agree that ‘demanding’ or overly confident clients are really annoying. For instance, I had a client who was fond of my breasts. He grabbed my boobs and played with them, but his touch was really rough (usually most men are very gentle). It was tolerable, so I let him do it, because he seemed really enjoy it. Whilst he was fondling me, he kept saying “You like it, don’t you…feel’s good, doesn’t it?” I actually found it really funny, and I just played along. After he came, he asked me if I enjoyed his fondling of my breasts. I wanted to laugh. He was terrible. He didn’t turn me on at all. He was far too rough, and he didn’t even have the decency of asking what I like. Since he was quite arrogant, I told him I wasn’t impressed. Thankfully, most clients are not like him. Lovely men are usually gentle and slow to start, and they take direction from the woman, observe her responses, and respect her level of comfort.

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Questions for Escorts And Clients, The Escorting Business

Justice For All? The use of Law and the Hypocrisy of Feminist Stances Towards Prostitution Laws

How do government laws affect the lives of prostitutes? Below is an old essay I wrote regarding prostitution laws in today’s Modern nation-state world:

justice

It is hard to imagine reading a paper or watching the news without hearing about some excerpt about prostitution and laws surrounding. After all, prostitution has historically been a popular and controversial issue in many societies. Defining prostitution is difficult because of the various interpretations of its meaning. According to the World Health Organization, prostitution is, “a process that involves a transaction between a seller and a buyer of a sexual service.” On the other hand, the United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS has a more complex interpretation of prostitution: “Sex work may be formal or informal,” and then continue to explain that, “Commercial sex work may be conducted in formally organized settings from sites such as brothels, night clubs, and massage parlors; or more informally by commercial sex workers who are street-based or self-employed.” The complexity of prostitution helps explain why it’s an issue that evokes multiple opinions. In the modern nation-state, prostitution has become a social ‘issue’ that is regulated or prohibited by law. For instance, prostitution may be illegal, legal, or decriminalized. For social and cultural academics, it is important to make the sense of laws and the society. Therefore, one can use different theoretical frameworks, such as feminism or bio-politics, to explain the prostitution phenomena. In this essay, I will look at certain feminist influences on prostitution laws, and it’s implications. I will then analyze those feminist trends in prostitution laws through the lens of biopower. The two popular feminist stances have been either to tolerate prostitution by regulating it or to abolish prostitution by criminalizing it. Overall, prostitution laws result in the further marginalization of prostitutes despite being back by some feminist groups. Prostitution laws, instead, maintains neoliberal state interests while ignoring the true feminist aim of female empowerment.

Theory

Biopower is a term that was coined by Michel Foucault, which inspired a new theoretical frame to academic thought. For Foucault, biopower is the ‘”regulatory power of states over populations,” which thus produces, “docile bodies in everyday life of institutions.” In other words, Foucault tried to emphasize that the body is a way to understand a society and how power is used to control their lifestyles. Lifestyles of individuals and their self-care practices are influenced by an overarching power. Giorgio Agamben further elaborated Foucault’s theory. In Agamben’s view, the sovereign power constructs ideals for citizenship where certain lifestyles amount to a ‘qualified life.’ However, individuals who contrast from the ‘ideal’ are living a ‘bare life,’ and thus are excluded in various ways, such as marginalization or facing violence. Therefore, the marginalized groups in society are only marginalized because state power determines who can be included in the society and who cannot. In “What’s Law Got to Do with it? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work,” Jane Scoular notes that prostitutes are part of the ‘bare life,’ where they are marginalized due to not being ‘ideal’ citizens.  To understand biopower, it is important to know who is an ‘ideal’ citizen and answer: what is the purpose of including some while excluding others?

In modern nation-states in the West, a ‘qualified’ life relates to neoliberal ideals. Neoliberalism is a shift in political, economic and ideological policy that began in the 1980’s (Yang, 2013), which currently dominates many governments globally. Economically, it is a policy of free-markets with minimal government interventions. Politically, it is the diffusion of government into smaller institutions. The notion of ‘freedom’ and individualism is the ideology behind neoliberalism, where individual freedom is achieved only through free markets. Yet the hidden element is that neoliberal policies seek to maintain the power of economic elites, and, it’s a “political project to re-establish the conditions of capital accumulation.” Neoliberalism, according to Scoular, is the main idea behind a ‘qualified’ life in Agamben terms. She notes, “modern law operates to regulate the complete lives of individuals,” and thus the law influences social norms. For instance, prostitutes are marginalized due to social stigma. The stigma, as Davey and Kissil mention, is the result of laws that criminalize prostitutes. Prostitutes are criminalized because the state feels they pose a threat to their ideals. For instance, the Contagious Diseases Acts in the late 19th century are said to criminalize prostitutes for their alleged danger to public health. Medical discourses and sciences were used to justify penalizing ‘unregulated’ persons, but in reality it was a moral panic over ‘unregulated’ sexuality. Controlled sexuality was crucial to the Modern nation-state agenda. Thus, prostitutes can only be ‘qualified’ if they satisfy the needs of neoliberal ideals, such as self-regulating themselves in a manner which results capital accumulation. The law is a way of expressing state power in an indirect way, as it influences norms, and thus influences people to maintain neoliberal interests. I will discuss how neoliberal interests are maintained through prostitution laws, but first I will discuss feminism as theory, since certain feminist have a strong stance on prostitution laws.

Feminism consists of many differing outlooks, yet there are notions that all feminists agree upon. For instance, feminists agree that female voices need to be addressed and recognized in society. They also stand for female empowerment through gender equality, especially in a Modern context where women are found less in high status positions compared to men. Despite these agreed upon notions, feminists differ in other aspects. Postmodern feminists, for instance, contend that feminism has been dominated by white, middle-class women, and such women cannot represent the interests of women as a whole. The weakness in feminism is that there is a lack of consensus on a variety of topics. With regards to prostitution, there are oppositional feminist stances, which is highlighted by Maureen Davey and Karni Kissil in their analysis titled, “The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.” Yet these two feminist stances do not speak for all feminists, because many feminists may be open to other theories on prostitution.

Discussion

Abolish Prostitution? Regulate it?

Two popular feminist stances towards laws on prostitution are: abolishing prostitution or regulating it. Yet while both have different stances, they both have very limited outlooks. Feminists who seek to abolish prostitution are often termed as Radical Feminists. In their view, prostitutes are victims of male oppression. Their goal is to abolish prostitution, as they feel prostitution only serves to oppress women. An example of this stance is found in Sweden, where prostitution is illegal. However, punishment is only directed at clients, whereas sex workers, seen as victims, are guided by state into ‘exiting’ programs. On the other side, another group of feminists, which Davey and Kissil termed the ‘pro’ feminists, feel that prostitutes have the agency to make their own choices and thus the laws should give them legal rights. The ‘pro’ feminists are usually in favor of laws which prostitution is tolerated. Therefore, legalization assumes that prostitutes will be empowered because they have legal rights. Overall, both the ‘pro’ and radical feminists are not challenging hegemonic state power, but rather are staying within its power. They fail to address how prostitution laws are part of wider form of maintaining state interests. In this view, the two feminist stances in the prostitution debate are problematic, because they are trying to represent the voices of all women. But as Kissil and Davey note, the two feminist stances have seldom consulted with the voices and desires of the prostitutes themselves. The lack of acknowledging the voices of prostitutes is apparent when given the implications of these feminist solutions to prostitution.

massage parlor

Prostitution laws, whether tolerant or against prostitution, results in more disadvantage than advantage for prostitutes. This is rather ironic, since feminist backed prostitution laws are usually aimed at protecting sex workers. For example, in Sweden, prostitutes are only protected from the law so long they adhere to ‘exiting’ programs, which are programs that aid prostitutes to exit the sex industry and integrate in mainstream society. This idea of exiting assumes that all prostitutes have the same desires, and thus all can be controlled. Therefore, prostitutes who don’t exit are deemed as criminals. As Scoular notes, “Criminalization in Sweden resulted in more risky situations for sex workers, where they have less choice of clients, quicker transactions, drop in prices and greater stress” (20). She further notes, “The Swedish Model just got rid of ‘visible’ street workers, while it created ‘invisible’ sex workers in off-street work” (20). Therefore, individuals who remain prostitutes in Sweden become excluded, because society has made no place for them. What is also interesting is how radical feminists aim at the criminalization of men over women, where men become targeted as clients. This actually doesn’t result in gender equality, but rather it shifts the stigma of prostitutes over to men.

Canadian examples illustrate the implications of prostitution laws where prostitution is tolerated. In Canada, the exchange of sex for money is legal, yet other laws make it difficult for prostitutes to conduct their services legally. Tamara O’Doherty (2011) notes that Canadian prostitution laws “ensure prostitution remains firmly entrenched in illicit markets by requiring sex workers to offend the criminal laws in order to work in safety (indoor venues)” (219). She further notes how Section 213 of the Canadian criminal code states that public communication for the purpose of prostitution is criminally prohibited. To illustrate this: brothels cannot legally label themselves as spaces for prostitution. Instead, they have to label themselves as non-sex related businesses, such as a massage parlor. Prostitutes themselves cannot be open about their services either; they cannot discuss with clients beforehand about their services. At the same time, Section 211 makes it illegal to use a place on a regular basis for prostitution, so therefore the massage parlor must ensure they deny sex is going on. According to O’Doherty, this ‘quasi-legal’ atmosphere places sex workers in more vulnerable positions, where they less prone to working in safe places. Given that the two feminist stances both have mainly negative implications for the lives of prostitutes, it seems that laws are not empowering their intended subjects. But rather, it’s pushing the majority of prostitutes to the ‘bare life.’

Since laws do not benefit most prostitutes, then the obvious question is: who benefits from the prostitution law? The State benefits as the laws ensure that their neoliberal interests are not challenged. In Sweden, exiting programs help prostitutes find ‘normal’ jobs, which they will become ‘qualified’ taxpayers, and thus assimilating with the hegemonic ideals and aiding the state power. In some Canadian provinces, for instance, local municipal laws require that massage parlors obtain expensive licenses to operate. As well, Edmonton sex workers are required by local municipal law to obtain licenses for each place they work. The act of licensing is a way of commercializing the sex industry, which means the state profits off licenses. It also is way of controlling and monitoring prostitutes. Therefore, those who participate in licensing are included in society, as they are doing what the state wants. However, not all prostitutes want or are in the position to reveal their identities. For instance, an illegal immigrant is automatically excluded from having ‘qualified life,’ because they are invisible to state recognition. And while legalization is argued to protect some prostitutes, others have argued that increased regulation means increased policing and monitoring over the lives of women. Further, many academics agree that prostitution laws do not reverse the negative impact of social stigma, which stigma causes psychological trauma for many prostitutes.  Therefore, many prostitutes are excluded and marginalized for failing to adhere to state interests. Sadly, marginalized groups are part of sustaining the capitalism. Therefore, the Radical and ‘pro’ feminists are contradicting themselves, because they are supporting a system of inequality, where only a minority of ‘qualified’ prostitutes are included in society. Such groups should not even be called feminist, because feminism is supposed to be about gender equality.

Feminism in current times, influenced by Postmodernism, emphasizes the diversity of female experiences, yet the ‘pro’ and radical feminist views on prostitution ignore an open, multi-theoretical approach. It is no wonder that these feminist stances on prostitution laws have had problematic results for prostitutes themselves. Given that prostitution laws have not benefited the fate of most sex workers it becomes obvious that laws are more concerned with sustaining state power and interests. However, the complexity involved in prostitution makes it difficult to find an alternative law that will satisfy the needs of everyone. Yet the question remains: can law be more inclusive of all members of society when considering how law is a tool of marginalizing certain people? So while the framework of biopower helps us understand prostitution laws it doesn’t really give us a solution to challenge the hegemonic power.  Many aspects of people’s lives are orientated toward neoliberal interests in most advanced capitalist nation-states. Therefore, it is difficult to challenge the power of state when the populations are compliant with the law. However, as an anthropologist it is the task to be critical and to educate others about making the familiar seem strange, whilst making the strange seem more familiar. As a postmodern feminist, it is important to be open to the ideas and theories of others. Rather than continue to marginalize others, one needs to think of ways that society can be more inclusive of so-called deviant groups.

Partial References:

Davey, Maureen & Kissil, Karni. (2010). The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.Journal of Feminist Family Therapy 22 (1), 1-21.

Farquhar Judith & Zhang Qicheng. (2005). Biopolitical Beijing: Pleasure, Sovereigntly, and Self-Cultivation in China’s Capital. Cultural Anthropology 20(3), 303-327.

Harley, David. (2005). Freedom is just another word. A Brief History of Neo-Liberalism. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

O’Doherty, Tamara. (2011). Criminalization and Off-Street Sex Work in Canada. Canadian Journal of Criminology and Criminal Justice, 217-245.

Schoular, Jane. (2010). What’s Law Got to do with It? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work. Journal of Law and Society 37 (1), 12-39.

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Facts About the Sex Industry, The Escorting Business

Escorting: Fears, Risks, and the ‘Girlfriend Experience.’

A female reader emailed me and posed an interesting question:

“I wanted to ask if you get any anxiety about stds? I wonder if escorts can ever feel very safe about meeting so many men who may infect them with something very serious.”

To answer her question: yes, when I first started escorting I had severe anxiety over many things, such as worrying about sexually transmitted diseases. Besides worrying about diseases, I was also worried that too much sex was going to damage me internally, by making me ‘loose.’ I wrote about that previously, which can be viewed here: https://exoticescortdiary.com/2012/03/02/the-myth-of-a-loose-woman/

erotic stockings

When I began escorting, I had very little sexual experience, thus I was a bit fearful of what having sex with strangers might entail. In particular, I was very worried that sleeping with multiple clients was placing me at risk for sex-related diseases. But once more familiar with the industry, I realized that the risk was very minimal as I used a condom for oral and sex. My introduction to escorting  began with a high-end establishment that instructed girls to be extremely safe. And by extremely safe this meant there was no such thing as the ‘GFE’ (the Girlfriend Experience). At this high-end agency, escorts risked losing their job if they were caught doing ‘extras.’ Back then, the owner of this particular establishment prided herself in having girls who avoided GFE. In other words, there would be no kissing, no oral sex without a condom, or anything that’s considered intimate-like. Nowadays, such cautious attitudes do not prevail, and virtually all agencies and brothels embrace more risky services associated with the various interpretations of GFE. Men want the closest to passionate sex as possible from an escort — which is why GFE is highly in demand. Every girl has her own interpretation of what GFE entails — it might be oral sex with or without condoms, it might be light kissing or deep french kissing, etc, etc. Yet despite some girls being a little more/or less open-minded for certain acts of foreplay, a condom is always used for sex in any situation.

I’ve maintained the same stance on being safe. However, there is a slight contradiction. As I mentioned before, I did/do cross boundaries with certain clients. Specifically, I give in to receiving pleasure occasionally. A lot of clients then and now were lovely men, who seduced me in a respectful manner. I seldom stop them if they are talented. In such instances, I lavish in my own vanity and pleasure….and I’d think to myself something highly arrogant, such as, “Ahhh, men pay me to give ME pleasure.

 

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To my readers, I apologize for my absence. I have been writing lots as always, yet most of my writings are half-finished as I’m doing the difficult task of incorporating ideology and context to my observations. What I aim to do is give my readers a broader understanding, and a more ‘academic’ feel for the sex industry. I seek to conceptualize rather than simply sharing my personal accounts. More importantly, I want to avoid ‘essentializing’ traits of men and women, or giving the idea of ‘universals’ for human behavior. In other words, many observed traits of men and women are not innate, but rather are socially constructed. I want to focus on the social conditions that set the norms and habits in certain contexts or circumstances. A lot of what I write is very much context constrained (for the most part, I am writing about ‘high-end’ escorting in a Western social context). Although the experiences and observations I write about are common occurances/trends, they are not universals (they are not traits experienced by all prostitutes cross-culturally, nor historically). I want to make these points clear in my other posts. In any event, I also wish to make this blog a dialogue, so I welcome my readers to comment and share their own perspectives.

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January 22, 2013 · 8:19 am

Answering Your Questions #3: Client and Escort Dynamics

I’m on a minor path of self-destruction…but I’ll explain that later. For now, I’ve decided to answer some of the numerous questions or key-words that my viewer’s google to locate my blog. Yet before I begin, I want to share some metaphors from an old film about the life of a high-class courtesan, “Pakeezah” (which translates to ‘pure heart’). In reference to herself, the courtesan says, “Prostitutes are dead bodies and the market is the graveyard…. I’m a dead body that’s lured by life again and again.” She then compared herself to a kite, a kite that is slowly cut away by the forces of wind…where only bits and fragments remain. The pain of her words….they touch me, intimately.

 

1. Do prostitutes like sex or money?

Money drives us to this job. As mentioned in previous posts, prostitutes should not be assumed to be a woman who loves sex. And if she does love sex, this does not imply that she loves sex with all of her clients. Many escorts do not derive any personal sexual pleasure at all with clients. Only a very tiny minority of escorts, like myself, enjoy intimacy with their clients. But overall, for prostitutes, the lure of money is the appealing part of our work, not the sex. It is very important to note selling one’s body was not a ‘choice’ for most sex workers, when considering the limited amounts of choice available to people in marginalized positions.

For many sex workers, sex is the dreadful part (not in my case, but most escorts I observed aren’t quite as open sexually as I am). Many just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. A small minority of girls can enjoy particular clients and feel pleasure (as a courtesan, I do enjoy certain clients of mine as companions and sexual partners), yet again: the focus is money. I certainly have enjoyed some clients, but regardless I will not sleep/mingle with a man that I don’t love for free. The idea that prostitutes are these horny, ‘hyper-sexual’ women hardly depicts the reality. I wish more prostitutes enjoyed their work as I am often able to do, but the reality is most women doing this job are driven by real or perceived economic disparity. Women who are in touch with their sexuality (ie: horny) exist regardless of profession.

 

2. What information should an escort obtain from her client?

Just like us, most clients want to be discreet. They might use fake names, because they are married and don’t want to risk their identity being known. Anonymity is central to the business for both escorts and clients. Asking too much personal information may defer clientele, while others are happily to disclose their life biographies. I screen my clients by judging their telephone/email etiquette — I ask them to briefly tell me about their age, nationality, what intentions they for me, etc.

 

3. Why don’t escorts like to tell their real name?

We fear of associating our identity with our profession. Why? This might impact our social mobility, social relationships (such as their family and friends finding out). Prostitution, whether legal or illegal, is still stigmatized. Society has harsh, negative consequences for women who are known to be prostitutes, so we are forced to remain secretive (otherwise we risk a lot of negative social sanctions).

 

4. How to Please a Prostitute/ How to have Good Sex with an Escort?

Well, in a bitter way, I could say: don’t be demanding, and don’t annoy her. Many girls complain about clients who don’t follow our ‘rules’ (or limits), such as touching places without permission. Pleasure is a very subjective question. Giving pleasure to a ‘normal’ woman is very different than a woman who is paid for sex. And to complicate the situation even more, everyone’s desires are different. A woman who gets paid for sex may not want to be ‘pleased’ by her client. Some girls strictly just want money from their client, and refuse to get sexual pleasure (and the good ones fake it). However, a small minority of us might be more accepting. The best clients are men who do not expect and are respectful.

Many of my clients are very polite and respectful men, which makes me feel comfortable to explore with them. I favor certain clients who have genuinely kind hearts, and I allow them to please me in ways that I may forbid others. I favor certain clients only because they gained my trust. I must mention that almost all clients try to give me pleasure, but certain men fail to understand the essence of pleasure. For one, some men seem to think that one sexual technique can apply to all women. This is completely wrong. Any sexual experience is very unique and cannot be performed in a uniform act. Bare in mind that all people have their own unique ways of reaching orgasm. And, unfortunately, there are women who are not interested in achieving their own orgasm . Most importantly, good sex depends on emotional and physical chemistry between the participants — chemistry is something that cannot be bought or created…it’s a rare beauty that just happens between two people. It’s best to test areas, slowly (with a willing partner, of course), and then gradually proceed.

If I must advise a client on ‘how to have a better experience with an escort’ I would suggest the following techniques clients have done with me: start by giving her a relaxing massage. I recall clients who gave me a full body massage, without touching my erogenous regions right away. Not only will it relax a woman, but it can gain her trust of his touch. Let everything occur slowly, so that she can anticipated every progression of passion. The slow-pace seduction will drive her crazy, and thus (hopefully) have her wanting more. Some of my clients were totally selfless…not tending to their sexual needs, but instead focusing on making me feel relaxed (again, it’s important not to rush!). A good lover will explore what she likes, by gently trying to kiss various parts of her body. Let her guide you to what she likes. This worked with me with certain clients, but again, it was all based on chemistry. Be mindful that desires of an individual can also change depending on their mood.

Chemistry is key, but also the mood of the hired lady is a deal-breaker. I do let sweet clients give me pleasure when I’m in the ‘mood,’ yet sometimes I loathe the idea. Although most of my clients are kind, I am not genuinely attracted to all of them. Sometimes I avoid seeing certain clients, because I know they want to spend the entire appointment in a  “Girlfriend Experience” state. This consists a romantic ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ situation where the client wants to kiss, cuddle, give me pleasure, and have sex at the very end of the appointment. The men are very sweet, which seems ideal, but it can be exhausting acting like a ‘girlfriend’ to a man I don’t love/care about. Most of my regular clients are all pleasure giving men, which means I try to avoid seeing them when my mood is bad. It’s even more difficult to see clients when I’m in love with someone else. When I am single, I find it much easier to work and enjoy clients.

 

5. How to Make Clients/Men Love You (As an Escort)?

There are no uniform steps to make a client love you — it just happens naturally. From my observations, investing in ‘fake’ behavior doesn’t reap benefits, nor does it attract wholesome people. Be yourself. Love is something we cannot plan or predict. It just happens. I’ve tried experiments of altering my behavior with clients (from acting overly slutty to acting innocent). I found that being as I am works best. I’ve tried to analyze the men who love me: why do they love me? They love me because I was ‘real’ with them. The trend I noticed is men who loved me are ones I didn’t care to impress. I acted indifferent with them upon initial meetings….and genuinely had little interest in being with them. Maybe my independence is appealing for some men, …they find it challenging that I, seemingly, don’t need them.

I could advise women to be manicured, polished and glamourous to make clients love them, but I’ve seen very unpolished girls with plenty of admirers. I no longer believe that investing heavily into cosmetic/external beauty will equate to admirers (sure, exterior beauty might attract men, but that alone wont make them kneel at your feet).

 

6. What is the Difference between an Escort and High-class Escort?

There is no real difference. The only difference is the marketing and approaching various scales of clientele. One girl can be playing two roles: a regular escort, which means more clients, lower price; Or a high-class ‘exclusive’ escort, which means higher priced and limited clientele. Yet at the end of the day, a regular and exclusive escort are the same thing. Service, intimacy and beauty are subjective irrespective of whether an escort is ‘high-class’ or not. I’ve seen stunning women who work for two different agencies….one that’s exclusive and very expensive, and another that’s medium price range with more clientele. There is not a rigid boundary, as many ‘regular’ escorts can eventually establish themselves as courtesans with a more limited clientele. And vice versa, a courtesan is also susceptible to falling down the prostitute social hierarchy.

 

7. Do ‘hookers’ love having sex on drugs ?

I found this question quite strange. That’s a terribly wrong analysis. Firstly, women who work while on drugs  usually hate sex more than other sex workers. They are taking drugs to cope with the fact they hate servicing men. Even high-class escorts will resort to ‘numbing’ with subsistence’s in order to make money and ignore their hatred of servicing men.

 

8. What’s it like to be an escort?

(Please check my blog later, as I am writing a post on my personal ‘lifestyle’ as an escort).

 

9. What are Reasons (for men) visiting prostitutes?

A lot of my married clients have a similar reasoning for seeing me: they say they love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex. Or men claim they like variety. Due to social expectations, many men marry one woman as a foundation for family, but does it mean they limit the number of ‘unofficial’ women for their sexual purposes? Does marriage always translate into good sex? Some men openly say they desire ‘variety’ for sex, while others contend that it’s the fault of the wife. This is something I hear time and time again: Wives stop having sex, and assume that their husband should not have sex either. There are a multitude of reasons. Some men don’t just need sex, they want pleasurable sex, sex with emotion and a deep connection. Perhaps some men are unable to express their desires with others, so they hope to find sensual solace with a prostitute.

There are also other married men who get lots of sex from their wives (even good sex), but they like something ‘different.’ Perhaps they need to prove to themselves that they still have the power to be appealing? Perhaps their egos need a little inflating? Many academics argue that the Western construction of ‘Masculinity’ influences men to prove their so-called ‘manhood’ by sleeping with multiple women (as if women are to be conquered). It’s not so much out of their personal desire solely, but rather societal norms for ‘being a man’ indoctrinate some men to prove themselves as ‘manly.’ So, just in case you’re one of those women whom tell men to ‘act like a man’…you are influencing the discourse of men to behave in a ‘Masculine’ construct, thus aiding the gender binary construct. Constructions of identity are very powerful, as they create a so-called ideal. The current constructions of masculinity and femininity in a Western context are very harming, as they serve an elite status quo rather than a collectivist effort.

In some historical contexts, men resorted to ‘comfort women’ in scenarios where ‘proper’ women did not exist, such as situations of war and colonization (which still occurs today).

Some Single/bachelor clients have told me that sex with an escort is better and easier than trying to find it ‘for free’ at nightclubs. It’s easy for a man to pay a woman for sex rather than the effort of convincing a ‘normal woman’ to have sex with no-strings-attached.

As for another calibre of clients: some single clients are truly lonely, and have little interaction with women. They do not seek a prostitute for sex necessarily, but rather they desire intimate companionship with a woman. These are the type of men who need to be hugged, and cuddled, and in these instances I like to think of myself as a healer. Yet in reality I am not helping their situation, because they are seeking love while I am seeking money. I feel compelled to tell these lost souls that they are looking for love in the wrong places.

 

10. What are Some Tips to Stay Positive while being an Escort?

My only suggestion is to work as LESS as possible. Do not work everyday! Try to work once a week, or even less. The industry is very exhausting (emotionally), especially if that is your sole profession. Since I am in a committed arrangement (with the Sheik), I don’t really have to work. Thankfully. Lately, I work only once a week, or sometimes even less (sometimes I don’t work for months.) Yet even working minimally I am still affected by the ills of living a secret, socially condemned life. Having sex for money is not a problem, but being a prostitute is difficult because of the implications in modern society (stigma, criminalization, being deprived of the ‘privileges’ associated with heteronormativity). For years I tried  to make the job easier for myself. I told myself I wouldn’t let the work affect my emotions, or touch my soul. But it’s not easy all the time.  I work less, so I can stabilize my emotions and do happy things, such as being with people I love. One can simply not block out emotions without using something, usually intoxicants, to distract them from reality. Nobody, regardless of their profession, can constantly remain happy….life is about happiness and sadness. We must experience these emotions, so we can (hopefully) reflect on our lives.

 

11. Do prostitutes remember their strangest clients ?

Yes! How can I forget the men who licked my underarms; or the man who booked me for 8 hours just to worship/lick my feet, hands, and bottom for the entire 8 hours without any sex; ….or the guy who used to pay to massage me the entire appointment and never even take off his clothes.

When a group of escorts come together we do discuss the ‘strange’ and ‘weird’ clients — which can often be quite funny. A lot of girls like to laugh about the ‘fetish’ clients they had, such as, “The foot guy,” “The bottom licker,” etc. For the most part, I don’t mind men with ‘strange’ fetishes, and I try to understand their unconventional fixations. It’s tragic that certain sexual acts are even referred to as ‘strange,’ which indirectly says that some sexual acts are more performed than others. In sex, there should be variety of desired acts, so nothing should be considered ‘strange.’ Personally, I enjoy men who have ‘fetishes.’ After all, being too ‘vanilla’ gets quite boring.

 

12. How Much Money Do Escorts Make?

It really depends on the girl. Essentially, when one has the ability to manipulate and numb/ignore emotions the amount of money is limitless. Unfortunately, as humans it’s very difficult to ignore our emotions all the time. The two factors that lead to money are: charm (in the form of personality, beauty, and skills) and secondly, emotional sensitivity. I  consider myself quite charming in the sense I am skilled, beautiful and have a dynamic personality, yet I am very emotionally sensitive. Therefore, I don’t work often because I find too many clients stressful and overwhelming. The clients are lovely often, but putting on a facade and being affectionate to someone I don’t love is quite, surprisingly, exhausting for me. I have never worked full-time as an escort, because I need other things to do in life. I am motivated to make money for saving, paying bills, and doing some shopping, but I do not seek more. In the past, I made more money when my needs were greater, but I also spent it lavishly since my lifestyle was different than it is today.  If I wanted, I could work harder and see more clients, but a full-time lifestyle as an escort seems like suicide to me. Balance is key.

 

13. What if a Prostitute sees a Client in Public (outside her work) ?

This has happened to me numerous times. I used to have a huge social phobia about running into clients outside of work. I feared, because clients may approach me, or call me by my alias. And my fears were confirmed when prior clients of mine have approached me in public! I even saw a client while I was shopping with my Mother…it was extremely nerve-racking. I don’t want my clients to know the ‘real’ me that exists in day-to-day life. I just want to remain their fantasy, and nothing else. I had another client shopping with his wife and kids. He saw me looking totally different, wearing no makeup. He came back to see me, and said he was so excited to see me while he was with his wife. This is another reasons why I don’t want to meet too many new clients — I don’t want to be known. Clients represent a separate world that I don’t want to mix with my personal life.

 

14. Is it Unhealthy to Sleep with an Escort? Is it safe to have sex with a Prostitute?

All escorts use PROTECTION with their clients. Some girls will do more than others when seduced by money, but for sex we all use condoms. Only an insane/desperate woman would have sex without a condom; and equally only an insane man would sleep with an escort without a condom. It’s absolutely unheard of high-class escorts having unprotected sex with their clients. However, if a client and an escort become more intimate and personal, the dynamics can change. Some of my regular clients, whom I’ve known for years, have asked if we can try without a condom. They trust me, I suppose. But I decline, and say no. Overall, most escorts are extremely health conscious. However, risks of STI’s can be contracted from non-penetrative acts as well.

The women who take more risks are doing it to meet the demands of clients — because for many clients oral-sex with condoms and no kissing is quite boring. Sadly, some escorts perform the highly sought ‘bare-back blow-job’ (fellatio without a condom) to get more clients. What these women don’t realize is that they are getting short term gain (money) for long-term risk (diseases). As for the bulk of escorts, we take minimal risks: we use a condom for sex and oral sex. Therefore, it is no more/less unhealthy to sleep with an escort if she uses protection during all sex acts.

Given there is minimal skin-to-skin contact, sleeping with a high-class escort can be a bit “unfulfilling” from a client’s perspective. I use the word “unfulfilling” because sex with a prostitute is often physical without true intimacy. Amazing sex is based on mind and body stimulation. Thus, sex between a client/prostitute lacks the essential stimulation of the mind. After all, how exhilarating and delicious can sex be without deep kissing, touching, sucking, and tasting ?  Those ‘delicious’ acts are risky with clients, yet many clients demand this. They want the closest to ‘real’ sex as possible. They want their escort to act like their girlfriend: they want to eat her pussy, kiss her lips, and feel her mouth over his manhood. There is tremendous pressure for escorts to go beyond safe limits to make her clients happy. Many clients prefer cheaper women, because it is assumed that cheaper women do ‘more’ for ‘less’ (thus, the risk is increased). These men miss the essence of pleasurable sex, because pleasure is based on connection (not how much or how little one is willing to do). There are also very high priced escorts who ‘do it all’ to a more limited clientele. This places tremendous pressure on women in the industry: how easy is it for a woman to maintain her safety, comfortability and be successful?

 

15: Do prostitutes have rules / restrictions?

Yes, clients play by our rules, not theirs. Yet there is an irony to that statement. Most escorts promote themselves as women who “Cater to the Clients Needs,” but in reality we set the boundaries and limits. Every girl is unique to what she offers in terms of her services. We all offer sex, but we do it in different ways. For instance, limits/restrictions might include: no kissing or light kissing only, clients can release multiple times or maybe only once, no oral sex without a condom, no receiving of oral sex, no touching between her legs, etc. My restrictions are that everything is ‘covered,’ which means I take no risks. I do not passionately kiss clients easily, but I must admit that I’ve given up many limitations with the occasional handsome, delicious client — or favoured regulars. For instance, when I met the Sheik, as a client, we ended up kissing passionately — of course, our chemistry was rare and intense.

As mention, a majority of clients demand riskier services (oral sex without protection, ‘greek,’ etc), so unfortunately a lot of escorts will jeopardize their health to make more money. I feel disgusted when a prospective client, who’s never met me yet, will ask if perform ‘natural French’ which is a oral sex without a condom. How can he take such a risk with a woman whose history is unknown? Likewise, most clients request to service me between my legs with their mouths, which seems flattering, but I can’t help but wonder: don’t clients think of how many other men have touched my body?  How can he be sure that I am ‘clean?’ What I realized is that many men get aroused by the idea of a ‘dirty’ woman. By no means am I ‘dirty,’ but I have slept with countless men….and that fact alone is a fantasy for some men.

Sex workers might advertise ‘passionate’ services or ‘porn-star’ services to attract a more clientele, but the reality is we cannot perform uniform techniques with every single client we encounter. Human sexuality is not uniform, and attempting uniformity is a bad way at approaching others. Sure, we have restrictions, but they are deeply influenced by the chemistry we develop with clients. To expect a sex worker to give a stellar performance with every client is a very unrealistic, dehumanizing expectation.

Finally, a rare breed of clients have their own terms in addition to hers. For instance, a rare category of clients do not seek sexual intercourse with escorts — instead they may just seek oral or hand release, or perhaps they just want to play with themselves in the company of a beautiful woman. There may be norms and patterns in sexual behaviour, but every experience is still unique.

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Prostitute and Whore — 2 Terms, 2 Different Meanings

I have a problem with the terms associated with a prostitute: Bitch and whore. Sure, some prostitutes possess those qualities, but so can any woman. Essentially, a prostitute and whore are two different things, but are often confused as the same thing, with the same meaning. The terms are further problematic since they are so vague, and can be interpreted differently.

In a global modern context, a woman who sleeps around with men is known in derogatory terms as a ‘bitch’ or ‘whore.’ A whore can be further subdivided into various interpretations and meanings. It can apply to a woman who manipulates men into giving her money – perhaps also termed a ‘gold digger.’ It can also be used to refer to a woman who enjoys sex. It can also imply a woman who lies and cheats her lovers/friends by scamming them. The term ‘bitch’ can also be applied to women with such traits. Somehow, these terms are also attributed to a prostitute. But there is a BIG difference between a whore and a prostitute. Although some prostitutes act like whores, one should not mistake all women who sell their bodies for being promiscuous, manipulative or scandalous.

It’s not obvious: Most prostitutes have sex for money – not pleasure or fun.  Many of us are not gold-diggers, nor do we manipulate men into taking their money. If a prostitute was to engage in sex for fun and manipulate men into giving her money (like a sugar daddie), then she placed herself in another category: a whore. There are prostitutes who act like ‘bitches’ and ‘whores’ despite selling themselves for money. They may act as gold-diggers on the side, and try to pretend to love older rich men for their money, but those traits cannot apply to the general population of prostitutes. If you assume a prostitute is selling herself for pleasure, then you are ignoring that reality that most women are selling themselves for the sole purpose of survival.

A whore, in terms of enjoying sex, is something I don’t condemn, so long its safe and doesn’t hurt others. But the notion of manipulation and deceiving others are acts I don’t accept. I do not manipulate or deceive my lovers in the other interpretations of ‘whore.’ I make my intentions clear. My clients who give me money are fully aware, just as I am, that it’s an exchange only. And the men I love…? They are aware of my intentions: I do not use them.

In my view, despite the view of society, a prostitute is much more dignified than a gold digger. A gold digger searches around for rich wealthy men, promising them love and affection, hoping to get hands on their wealth in an indirect manner. However, one must not judge even a gold digger — a lot of these girls start this type of lifestyle from a history of neglect.

A prostitute, on the other hand, is direct, straight-forward: I will give you my body in exchange for money.

I have never pretended to love any man for his money, and I never will. As mentioned, I often stop seeing clients when they fall in love with me, because it makes me uncomfortable taking their money when they love me and I don’t love them at all. One incident overseas made me more strict about my ‘strictly business’ relationship with clients, but I will save that experience for another post. Finally, it may seem that my lovers serves as my ‘sugar-daddies’, but thats not the case at all. My lovers do spoil me, but it’s reciprocal as I enjoy their company and enjoy them as a person. Reciprocity is very important for loving, meaningful relationships.

A woman once advised me, regarding my relationship with my client/lover: “Use him for his money. He’s going to leave you, so take all his money. Don’t be stupid…try to take money from him at every chance!” I disregarded her advice, because I feel grateful and content for his generosity already. I don’t seek to exploit him. This is the critical difference between that woman’s mentality and mine: I will not lower my dignity to exploit someone I love, or anyone for the record. I am comfortable with the amount he gives me, and if I seek more…..I know he will give it to me. However, I would not beg or manipulate him to get it. My pride is held in my self-reliance.

The problem with assuming that these terms are the same is when we judge others. Not all women who love sex are prostitutes. Not all prostitutes are promiscuous. And not all scandalous, manipulative women are prostitutes. And most importantly, a woman who loves sex is not necessarily a bad person. Modern ideas of sexuality are socially constructed, and a lot of the ‘prudish’ ideas stem from Victorian Era repressive morality.

Although not my usual type of music, the rap song, “You Wonder Why They Call you Bitch,” by Tupac gives an excellent, although heavily slanged, description of a promiscuous woman, with no self-respect, who sells and ends up destroying herself with her scandalous behaviour.

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Social Stigma makes Prostitutes Vulnerable – Dangerous Encounters

Recently I had my first bad experience with a client. In my half-dozen years in the industry, I have never (thankfully) had a bad or scary experience until now. Again , my ego made me feel I was beyond ‘bad’ clients.  My recent experience was with a client I trusted….one who admired me, whom I felt worshiped me. But a sex worker must never be naive and too trusting. A few weeks ago, I feared for my safety. I was in a situation where I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I had lost control of the situation. I was with a regular client of mine, who previously was tolerable and pleasant. However, this time, he was extremely intoxicated — in other words, sloppy drunk. I had only brought two condoms, which he pulled off. Without condoms, I told him politely that we can’t have sex, but he insisted we have sex. He sensed my fear, and he must have sensed that I was ready to leave the hotel. He had traveled far from out of the country to see me specifically, so I understand why he felt upset that I was leaving.  However, his actions were not acceptable. When I got up to leave the bed, he grabbed me aggressively. I stood up, and he followed. He tried to pull my body close to his body, so he could penetrate me. Thankfully, he didn’t, but I knew he wasn’t going to let me leave without getting what he wanted. I grabbed my purse and ran to toilet and locked the door. I desperately wanted to leave the hotel room, but I feared to open the door. I feared he would easily grab me, and rape me. The alcohol had totally changed his behaviour, and he was no longer the funny client I had once known. He was not directly rude to me, but the problem was the alcohol had made him lose any sense of respect. While locked inside, I called the hotel reception and asked them to come to the suite. By this time, I was panicking, crying and shaking. The hotel reception came, and I ran out of the room crying. Although nothing severe happened, the fear alone made me break down. I am a strong woman, but physically I am defenceless to man. This experience reminded me of other bad stories I’ve heard from other escorts. Escorts, regardless of their status on the prostitution hierarchy, are sometimes placed in risky situations with their clients. I remember working at a high-class establishment overseas where there was this manipulative client. He preyed on innocent-looking girls. I was one of them, but luckily my ‘innocent’ look is a farce. He was well-dressed, polite and pleasant initially, but during the booking he tried to pull off the condom before sex. To me, he said it was an accident. Luckily, I caught him before he had the chance to violate me. Unfortunately, other escort girls I knew were not so lucky. One girl saw him on her first day in the industry. He pulled off the condom without her knowledge, and ejaculated inside of her. To add to the wound, he pretended it was an accident and blamed her. After a while, the girls all told their experiences to each other, and we realized this man was intentionally trying to take off the condom. Not only that, the type of girls he chose were all very similar: clean, educated, innocent and ‘good’ girl types. This type of man is a predator, yet none of  us girls did anything. We told the owners of the establishment, and they supposedly banned him. But what does banning him do? He can easily go to another establishment or call any agency, and continue violating women. Why didn’t we call the police and have him arrested? The worst part is that prostitutes are not only physically defenceless, but we are also legally helpless when it comes to getting justice. The end result is the same: Prostitutes do not get justice when they are violated by clients. We do not call the police or report the negative incidents. Why? We fear of associating our legal name with the sex industry. I don’t want any association of my name to prostitution, because my family can find out, I will be stigmatized, etc. Legally, prostitutes may have rights and can get justice in certain countries. But the problem is, the social stigma (and sometimes quasi-legal laws) prevents us from doing so. It would be ideal if we could report incidences without revealing our identity, but we cannot. If something happens to me, will I go to the police? In a severe case, yes, but doing so means I have to ‘out’ myself. Being ‘Out’ in sex-worker slang means to publicly label oneself as a sex worker. For many escorts, it is our biggest fear if others find out that we sell our bodies. Personally, I worry only because society stigmatizes sex workers. For instance, if I ever wanted to apply for a government job in the future,….my chances are effected if my name is associated with illegal work as a prostitute.

The stigmas we face as sex workers adds to our stress.

We are living multiple lives and multiple identities. An escorts life is full of lies, not by choice but by circumstance. These web of lies get exhausting and sometimes I’d rather just retreat from the world than make up stories to explain where the money came from. I don’t want to lie to my family, my lovers or my friends, but do I really have an alternative? Again, I have the agency to make choices in my life……but these choices are deeply influenced by the circumstances that follow. So what’s the solution? Maybe I will have to ‘out’ myself one day if that means protecting myself and others? Experiences like these make me and other sex workers hardened. Many escorts I met are very bitter towards their clients, because they fear to trust anyone. I don’t blame them, especially since they were violated by clients they initially trusted. Of course, not all clients are this way at all, but how do we decide who’s good and who’s not? There are good and bad in all people. Now, my guard is up, but I am not jaded. Thankfully, I can resort the safe arms of my Sheik, my protector.

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