Category Archives: Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

Dumped on my Wedding Day

The point of this post is not to slander, it is to create awareness. It is my hope that my experiences will be a learning lesson for others.

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I will start off by advising my readers: NEVER EVER Fall for Words or Promises that bare no fruits or action. To my young ladies, never EVER believe a man loves you if he is depriving you of significance or dignity. A man who truly loves you will show it with action. Love is so abused in today’s times and as Sheikh Mufti Menk says, “Often, ‘I love you’ these days is actually ‘I want to use you.‘”

My life as a sex worker has brought me, unintentionally, into a lot of sin. Even though my only intention in the sex industry was survival (I never wanted any part in the personal lives of my clients), I was still involved in a process that hurt others and myself.

It was never my choice to be in the sex trade — its a psychological trap. I thought love was the cure, but I was wrong. The one who claimed to love me reminded me nearly daily that I was hopeless — it made him feel powerful to drain any ounce of joy I had left. He would further get angry at me if I defended myself or called him out on his false promises.

I am sure the ones I have hurt will be happy to know that my life is meaningless and I will forever be deprived of wholesome love. I am unable to trust. I was a fool to hope or dream before. Love has hurt to the extent that I no longer welcome it in my life — this journey of life will always be lonely. Alhamdulilah.

Two days ago, I was abandoned on the day of my Nikkah (Islamic marriage).

Almost one year prior in February 2017, I was abandoned previously by the same man. Despite he effortlessly left me alone without a concern for my well-being, he came back to me later in 2017. Some words he said were:

“In all honesty I was/am prepared to abandon anyone who disagrees with our union.”

“Somehow you are still in the same place you were a few months ago and I’m still madly in love with you. If nothing has changed in your situation have you at least come to grips with the mistake we have made?(exiting from each others lives)”

I never exited from his life. I was ready to start a halal life. It was him who essentially told me that I was unwanted and that he won’t fight for us anymore. I was abandoned. To cope, I had to actually write large memos all over my home to stop myself from falling into a debilitating depression. I had to remind myself, He never loved me. Love would not let me walk away alone and helpless, love would not leave me to be single and open for other men to take my hand. It was false love.” 

When he tried to come back to me late last year, he spoke beautiful words to me. I agreed to meet him. He spent an entire evening apologizing to me — he brought a diary which supposedly had poems written about me, and us. For a short lived period, he was kind to me. He even then read out 25 things he loves about me. He apologized for abandoning me. He apologized for mistreating me. He told me nothing else in the world matters anymore and gave me the impression that he would fight against all barriers to be with me. He spoke beautiful words about how it was his goal to get me out of the sex industry. And because I had empathy for his ‘issues’, I wanted so badly to believe he was sincere — I took him back after months of his proclamations of love. Very shortly after, it was apparent that all of his remorse was words only.

“Go back to fucking other men!” “You will never change” “I love you! I will get help!” “I won’t abandon you again.”

It was not as if my expectations were unreasonable. I made it so simple — too simple. And yet, shortly after I took him back, he began reverting back to his old ways. It is clear now, given the way he treated me and spoke to me, that I was a burden for him. There was no loving support, nor a hand to hold mine and tell me, “I am here, you are loved, your worries are mine and I will protect you.” There was no Mirza who came on a horse to take me away. I am no Sahiba.

He had also won me back with sweet words in previous years, only to leave me broken and abandoned. All the times he had abandoned me, I began to see a pattern of his — the only reasoning for his behavior was that he was using me. He knew that I would give in and give my body willingly if I believed he loved me. His efforts and kindness were always short lived and he changed drastically once he got what he wanted. Whenever he came back, he convinced me that he did, in fact, love me for who I was — yet I questioned this ‘love’ once he reverted back to his bullying and neglect. He thrived off bullying me. Each time he abandoned me or pushed me away to the point I had to leave him, I was broken even more. I stopped giving my body. He would blame me for his sexual frustration. He would blame me for asking for nikkah (marriage). He would constantly accuse me of cheating or blow up at me for being a sex worker. He would blame me for defending myself. And then he would abandon me always once I was drained and emotionally destroyed. He never cared, he never loved. I was never wanted. He became very angry once things started getting serious, because it meant he actually had to start taking action and responsibility for me –which he never did. I can accept if someone doesn’t want me, but he convinced me otherwise and promised marriage.

My doubts were real and now confirmed. I was not a human to this person. I was an object. All of my emotions and well being never meant anything. I was a sex object. I, as a person, was never wanted — in fact, I was a burden. I was promised love and protection, promised a halal life — I was made to dream, and I was abandoned effortlessly not once, but multiple times. Indeed, I am a fool for believing a person would not behave so cruelly.

3 Days Before the Marriage:

The happiest day of a woman’s life, right?

I don’t even know why I am doing it. I have a faint, childish hope that the one who once claimed to love me…..that he will actually start loving me. But I know better also, I know that hoping and dreaming is pointless for me.

And days away, it will be a nikkah. No ceremony. Just in front of Allah. And it may not even happen — things have always been fragile and insecure with this person.

There is no excitement, nor will their ever be. Though the nikkah is between two people, I am the only one who has pushed for it. The other party is making it very obvious that it is unwanted and it is a burden. In fact, I have just been told that no consummation will occur, as it will be easier to divorce me this way. No celebration. Nothing. All the promises and hopes that once filled my head have amounted to nothing. I am an utter fool. Last week, I wanted to feel excited for something. I thought about what I will wear, about what food to bring to the mosque, about staying in a hotel, about photos, about a new life! — what a fool I am.

Only tears of pain and fear have resulted from the unwanted date to come in a few days….it was only wanted by me. But it is okay. I ask myself why I have this foolish hope — hope that doesn’t exist at all.

And I am told to write a promise letter. I wasn’t told, I was threatened.  I am to promise  that I will stop being the whore that I was and to ‘prove’ that I am capable of not whoring myself. I am not trusted, and reminded every day of how untrustworthy I am. Despite he should be the one begging for my forgiveness, despite he came back to me after neglecting me, despite he said he accepted me and nothing else matters… here I am now, proving that I deserve his love. 

I know I have made mistakes too, which is why I made excuses for his lack of effort in making me significant — he is also hurting. But how am I suppose to remain stoic when someone keeps punishing me for things that is in the past? He came back to me fully knowing of what had happened in the past, and he even admitted it was not correct in how he treated me in the past as a result. Why I am still being punished despite I have left my life of sin? Everything I have done is out of love. All I wanted was a halal outlet to give love, and yet he keeps delaying and denying that to me as a Muslim woman.  If Allah can forgive me, why can’t he also forgive me? Does he not see my heart? Does he not see all the small things I have done to show that my heart is sincere and loyal to him? Why else would I have done the things I did except out of love? Yet at every moment, he couldn’t stop finding reasons to pick on me. This made me go into self-defence mode, and in order to guard my heart from being hurt like before, I very bluntly told him that I fear he is using me and I will not tolerate that. Why couldn’t he just take my hands and say, “Okay, no more. I will start loving you now.” Why couldn’t he make the correlation that loving me, making me halal and building me up would in turn make me trust me him and therefore treat him as the respectful man he wanted to be? All the energy he had to be angry at me, why couldn’t he just tunnel that energy into love instead?

All these thoughts make my cry, because at this point I am hopeless, not by choice. I never wanted things to be this way. But sadly, what I envisioned is not going to happen. All the anticipation, the hopes…have died. And for what? Pride? Power? Proving a point? Astagfiroulla. 

One Day Before the Marriage:

Tomorrow will be a cruel joke. He promised to marry me before the end of 2017. But he broke that promise, and I gave him yet another chance. Then, he promised to marry me on this date, which is tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will show up alone, abandoned… I know it.

No glow in my face. Too much tears, trauma, lack of sleep, too much sleep, fears and internal pain. I have been telling him for months, “Please have the courtesy of telling me if I am wanted or not, don’t leave me in limbo.” 

He has abandoned me many times. It happened before, it can happened again.

Tomorrow, I will come alone to the Masjid to cry. Cry to Allah. I only have Allah.

There is no excitement. I have been ridiculed and emotionally abused for the past two weeks, let alone the past couple of years. Why? Because I questioned why he keeps delaying giving me significance, and I question why he keeps fighting with me for all the reasons he once apologized for. He gets furious when I ask for significance — as if it is a terrible burden for him. And when I point out how his promises have amounted to nothing, he gets more furious.

In a moment of anger, two weeks ago, I snapped and called him a hypocrite. The definition of a hypocrite I was referring to was the following: (1) When He speaks, He speaks Lies (2) When he makes a promise, he breaks it and (3) When he is trusted, he betrays his trust. His typical pattern was to be consistently mean to me until I snapped. And I snapped two weeks ago. I broke down. I then stood up for myself and said “When a man loves a woman, he will not treat her this way! This is unacceptable. I have known men who would never behave this way and I have been treated better.”

That made him extremely angry, and for that, I was belittled every single day up until now. I made excuses for him. Just let him vent his anger at me. He convinced me that I deserve his anger and wrath. I shouldn’t have called him out. I shouldn’t have told him I have been treated better. I made excuses for him. Despite he has actually broken promises, betrayed trust, abandoned me before, and was delaying marriage for no reason, it was still my fault. Suddenly now, I was apologizing and worried for him — despite he has broken me and he will end up hurting me tomorrow. I know it. 

The Day of the Marriage

I was dumped two hours before we were proposed to do the nikkah at the Mosque. 

Today was my wedding day. It never happened. It was supposed to happen around 7pm just after Isha prayers.

Earlier today, in the morning, I had to attend a family members graduation ceremony. Everyone was filled with happiness and joy. I wanted so badly to be happy with my family too. But just as everyone was jumping and cheering for joy, I started crying out loud and ran to the washroom to lock myself and cry. Shaking. Nobody noticed, I wouldn’t let anyone notice. During the whole graduation ceremony, he was texting me hostile and abusive messages — once again, I let him just vent his anger to me, even though I know it’s not acceptable. I began crying because I knew he was only going to hurt me — I was crying because everything he promised me was now clearly a lie. I was duped. I was crying because I never believed that someone who loved me could hurt me like this. He came back to me, he apologized and now he is doing exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. I have never broken down in public like that and felt such tremendous fear. 

Then I dried my tears, yet my eyes were red. I was shaking. I wanted to disappear, but I was stuck in a crowd of happy people celebrating. And then, at last, I ran to my car and parked in an isolated area to cry. My family needed me to drive others, so I wiped my tears again and picked them up. How could I explain to them why I just disappeared on such a joyous occasion?

I made an excuse that I was having really bad allergies, which is why I my eyes were red and my nose was sniffling.

Yesterday was the same. I was heart broken in tears. Like a fool, I still tried to remain optimistic about the wedding. I knew he was going to hurt me, but I still had a faint hope that he wasn’t such a monster to actually abandon me after leading me on for all this time. Yesterday, I got sweets and a gift for the caretaker at the Masjid. Meanwhile, I was bombarded with angry, abusive text messages from him. He was behaving as he had in the past — blaming me for his anger. I kept pleading with him to just be honest with me, I have been pleading with him for months, “Don’t lead me on!” “Why did you come back to me and make all these promises then?” That day, I cried in my car for almost 2 hours. Each tear I thought about all the sweet nothings he used to tell me. And then I reminded myself of how foolish I am to even hope for anything. How cruel to tell a prostitute to hope, when hope is against her. 

“We will go ring shopping.”

“What do you think about moving to this city together babe?”

“Let’s move in a new place together babe, a new start”

But as always, at every step I was let down. It is not as if I was expecting. I know all too well not to expect. This was the bare minimum. He would make me dream, only to snatch it from me and then emotionally abuse me for asking “Why not?”

He kept calling me hours up until the nikkah. He was fuming with anger, and I have no idea why. He said it was all my fault at why he was angry. I was told with fuming anger, “LISTEN I WILL ONLY MARRY YOU IF YOU AGREE TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAY. IF I SAY JUMP YOU WILL JUMP OKAY? I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME ANYMORE! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT YOU IF YOU PROVOKE ME AFTER MARRIAGE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??!!” Usually, I defended myself, but there was no point. I was broken. I listened to him belittle me the whole day — I agreed to everything he said, even his threats. And then finally, two hours before the nikkah, he tells me he cannot do it and says “Goodbye.”

I decided to go to the Masjid anyways. I wore my new abaya. I did my make up. I showed up at the masjid alone. I knew I would be alone. I needed to feel close to Allah. 

I got to the Masjid in the evening. The few sisters who remained at the Masjid were informed that it was the day of my Nikkah. I came in, and the sister greeted me with a big smile. I was greeted and told how pretty I looked. The sisters looked at me with excitement. The sister who organized my nikkah looked at me with bright eyes and a big smile, “I have just told the other sisters that it’s your nikkah today!” My eyes water and I just look down and said, “No. Nothing.” The other sisters came to me also with excitement, and tears filled my eyes. We all said, “Alhamdulilah” Praise to Allah. 


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Final Notes: One reason the film Pakeezah is a favorite of mine and brings tears is because it addresses the main conflict for a prostitute: our innocent yearning for love and the bitter realization that we can never have love.

At the end of the film, Pakeezah is not only defeated, but traumatized. She cannot stop hearing imaginary voices of outsiders calling her derogatory terms, reminding her that she will never be anything but a whore. In tears, she realizes her fate:

Yes. My vagabond dead body has returned to be buried in this colorful tomb (she has return to the brothel)

Yes. Every whore is a dead body. I am a dead body and you are too. (She says to a fellow courtesan)

The marketplace (brothel district) is a graveyard.. of women whose’s souls are dead but the bodies remain alive

These mansions (homes or brothels) are our tombs, in which the living coffins of we dead women are kept after being decorated.

Our coffins are left open so that....*she gasps in tears*

I am a restless dead body in one such open coffin, which is lured by life again and again..

..But now, I’ve got fed up with of my waywardness and this treachery on the part of life. I’ve got tired of it. 

*

In Islam, relations between unrelated males and females is prohibited. The reasoning is that unregulated mixing results in what has happened to me and many other social ills. Men and women, though equal, are different. Women need wholesome protection. Men were created to protect women. Because I never had this, this is a strong contributing factor to how I ended up in the sex industry. I spent so many years trying to observe why certain women are susceptible to the sex industry and why some are not. Without a doubt, a woman who comes from wholesome, caring family will not find herself in prostitution.

From all this pain, I say Alhamdulilah (All praise belongs to Allah). There were many lessons that had to be learnt from this. Trials invoke one to only hope and strive for Allah, the Creator. From this pain, I have learnt my only true protector is Allah. For the one who caused me pain, I hope that you, too, will be guided back to Allah.

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Why Prostitutes Do Not Trust

Many prostitutes are very hard-headed and guarded due to being hurt, exploited and having little-to-no wholesome care. Being guarded, acting with indifference, self-destructive behavior, and not trusting are some resulting defence mechanisms. A wise prostitute, however, knows that NOT all men are the same — both good and bad exist. Likewise, good and bad also exists in women.

How do we know the contents of anothers’ character and their intent? It’s not easy, but generally actions and patterns tell everything.

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Listen you dumb whore. You are unworthy of love and all the other blessings bestowed to people who don’t sell themselves.  You opened your legs for money, so you are nothing more than the dust beneath shoes. It is your fault you are in this situation. You are a lazy woman who chooses this life, and you are too lazy to work hard like everyone else! 

You come from a broken home? You’ve been exploited? You say you want out of this life? That’s a lie.  Moreover, that’s not an excuse to be a whore who does filthy things for money. That’s why you are NOT worthy of significance! You are a shameless, disgusting whore, and that is all you will ever be. Get out of my life and don’t ever talk to me. I don’t want a whore in my life.

*A giant boot stomps hard on a once vibrant flower, breaking its stems and leaves further.*

When the flower experiences this ambush of cruelty, she starts to wilt rapidly. The water that nourished her slowly dries up, and the harmful force of salt keeps destroying the roots of her being. 

I am sorry! I never meant those words! I don’t care that you are a prostitute or if you’ve had every man …you are the most pure thing that I have ever known! Please forgive me, I have changed! I realized how hurtful I was to you and those I care about.  I know this life has not been easy for you. I was wrong to say those things before. I lov-e…….

*

 


 

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Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

wilting-flower

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.

Isolated.

Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself


 

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I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.

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Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


 

In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

One-sided Love: When a Client Falls for an Escort

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The first client to profess serious love for me in terms of getting married was about 9 years ago. Let’s call him James. This took place when I lived overseas. Back then, I was a very young lady who did not fully understand how critical matters of the heart were. I had met this client James once, and then unknowingly I made such an impression that he very quickly became a frequent and generous regular client. He was very easy going, kind hearted and generous — so I quickly began to enjoy his company as a client. Since he came to see me so frequently, I eventually became comfortable to go out with him publicly. We started going to dinners and theatrical shows together. To me, James was just a client and a lovely guy who’s company was joyful — but nothing more. But for him, it was much more. I was young and oblivious, however, to his intentions. It did not occur to me until later that he was spoiling me with the hopes of winning my heart.

During this time, I had also met my ex-fiance as a client. My ex, however, was someone I truly felt connected too — and very quickly we became a couple and then started living together. Once my ex and I started living together, I cut off all non-business communication with James. And very quickly, I decided to abruptly end business relations with him too. I was occupied with my ex, so I felt seeing James was too much time and effort. It was at this point, I was shocked to discover the hurt I, unknowingly, inflicted upon James — James had the idea that I was growing closer to him and we would settle together. He started showing up at my home or at the brothel I worked at, waiting for me. I was startled and shocked, because I had zero feelings for him and only considered him like any other client –the only exception was that I was closer to him as a client because I saw him so frequently. James had the best of intentions, but he mistook my kindness for something serious, which made him panic when I suddenly dropped him. It was my fault for failing to outline my intentions towards him. Looking back in retrospect, I should have taken cues of his desire for me — and moreover, I should have stated early on how I was not interested in anything beyond a client-escort relationship. But again, I was young and knew nothing about matters of the heart, so I was innocently unaware. This was a huge learning lesson for me, and a lesson I still have to apply until today: make your intentions clear from early on, and never play with someone’s heart. 

This example with James occurred when I was very young. I had no intention to mislead someone or play with their emotions whatsoever — it is my biggest fear until today to exploit someone’s heart. I have made mistakes and caused pain indeed. But I, too, know the pain of deception, so it would burn my heart to intentionally cheat someone. I was simply oblivious at my early days of escorting on how to deal with clients who became attached or fell in love.

And then the story of my ex-fiance and I — again, I was young and naive while I was with him. I did love him, but I was not sure of what I wanted through out our relationship. I was scared to settle down so young with him, and for this reason, I tried to leave him numerous times early on in our relationship. Out of love, I felt it was unfair to stay with him when my heart was not sure of what it wanted. But anytime I expressed my desire to leave him, I saw his eyes and felt like a Mother abandoning her child. This was my first true relation, so I did not know the rules or the consequences of love. Fast forward two years, I ended up leaving him. I was unsure of what I wanted throughout our entire relationship — I was poisoned with thoughts of the ‘grass being greener’ while with him. He dreamt of marriage and family, and I killed that dream for him. It was all unintentional. Only years later, once I faced rejection myself, I realized how dangerous love is when there is no structure or morality to guide it.

Now, the examples above shows how being oblivious and ignorant are part of being young. It is hoped that one will eventually learn empathy (the ability to consider the emotions of others) which distinguishes them from childhood into adulthood. Sadly, some people have no sense of empathy — they kill souls and feel no remorse. But others learn through trial and error. I had to be the neglecter and be neglected myself to learn the valuable lesson of empathy in love: don’t play with someones heart, don’t use someone, don’t make empty promises and more importantly, be clear with your intentions. 


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And so, there have been subsequent clients among the years who have expressed a one-sided admiration for me. And out of deep fear of hurting their dear hearts and inflicting them with pain that can be lethal, I have to hurt them with honesty…

Tonight, a client just left my home. He is reading this, as I felt comfortable to tell him about my blog. He is an all-round lovely, young man. Tonight, before he came to see me, he sent me two writing pieces he made about me. I read them. He wrote about me in the tone of love and admiration. But instead of feeling flattered, I felt concerned for his heart. Rather than applaud his efforts, I crushed his heart with the harsh tone of my bluntness: “I don’t feel the same.” He claims he has fallen in love — he wants to express it in all ways. Just moments ago, he sends me a photo of a cardboard cup that sits in the cupholder of his car. It was the cup I drank last week, filled with tea. The cup has a pink lipstick mark, my lipstick. He keeps the lipstick stained cup in his car as a memorabilia of me. And in his writings, he writes about how my scent stays with him after he leaves my home. He must have read those ‘scent’ posts on my blog, and he must think I feel the same way. Am I supposed to feel flattered? No, my dear. I am sad for you. Sad for the situation. I know my honesty hurts, and I don’t want to hurt you —  but honesty is my duty.

After learning from my past mistakes years ago, I have since become very blunt when I get an inkling that someone has feelings for me. Sometimes, regular clients confuse an escorts’ kindness for a deep, intimate connection. It is important for anyone to be true with their intentions with another –after all, one’s character is defined in how they treat others

So I said to him tonight, as I have numerous times in past meetings….”I don’t feel the same, I am not in love with you nor will I ever be.” This must confuse him, as my behavior with him seems otherwise. I understand his confusion. Yes, I can genuinely enjoy someones companionship, but that does not mean I desire them.

What worries me the most, and causes me to be more harsh, is his sense of hope for “us.” In his writings, he wrote his hope to eventually “win my heart.” So once again, I have to crush his hopes again and again, being firm and harsh — when will he understand? I tell him he must stop seeing me. Now, I feel bad for accepting his generosity. How can I feel comfortable taking his kind gestures when it means I am leading him to eventual heart ache? But I told early on, I have been honest. Yet he says I own his heart now — and I shout “I never asked for it!”

As an escort, I must be blunt, I cannot pretend to love a client to line my own pockets — that is heartless and apathetic.  I tell him that he has no choice but to accept the fact that I have no feelings for him outside a business relationship. And that doesn’t mean he is unworthy — not at all. He is too young to understand that sometimes unrequited love or losing someone is a blessing in disguise. I fear that he does not make this realization, but instead blames himself. It is not him who is lacking at all — he must learn a lesson that many need to learn: chemistry is not a choice. There is no such thing as one not being ‘good enough’ — no. There are reasons why people come together and why they part — it requires immense patience to see the spiritual importance of why people come into our lives, who remains and who departs.

I cannot exploit his heart. I cannot exploit his generosity to benefit myself without thinking of how this affects him. No. I have seen the abuse of love and its consequences. I have seen how love is falsely proclaimed when it’s simply a ploy for one’s selfish gain. I have seen suicide resulting from false promises of love. So much dishonesty masquerades with the label of ‘love’ and so many broken souls who once dreamed. This is the result of a society with no structure or morality  — I learnt the lesson long ago, do not play with hearts.

Final Remarks:

Despite I used the term ‘love’ in this post and past posts of mine, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as wholesome love without structure/guidance. I wrongly assumed that I experienced ‘true’ love in the past — but I no longer believe that was love. Perhaps at best, it was just a glimpse of love. There is no love unless it’s given the correct conduct that it deserves — love is a serious responsibility, not a toy to play with. But sadly, today, love is treated as something so casual, something to play with and discard once ‘bored’ — and alhamdulilah for Islam, because Islam makes awareness of the societal ills that result from the falsehood of unrestricted love. As a Muslim, I finally see how love is only granted when one follows the guidelines of Allah swt. Islam recognizes how love, when outside the responsibility of marriage, is often misused and leads to social chaos (fitna). For this reason, Islam prohibits the relations between men and women outside of marriage  — after all, sex without responsibility renders people being exploited, used, heartbroken or deceived (all things which Islam seeks to protect one from).

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Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes

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A wife calls me. She discovered her husband has been cheating, with me, and others perhaps. Over the years, I have had to speak with a few other wives/girlfriends of clients. Strangely enough, each of these women share a similar patience towards me, the escort. They do not abuse me over the phone as one would expect. I often hear, “I know it’s your job, and I know you are probably doing it just for money, so I am not upset with you.”

The most heart-breaking part of speaking to the wife of a former client is when I hear the cries of small children in the background of the phone call. Coincidently, the last three wives who contacted me all said at one point, “Can you hold on for a moment?” while they attended to a crying baby or toddler. I hear small children making noise for their Mothers’ attention, while their Mother is emotionally destroyed from discovering her husbands infidelity. It is such a tragic scenario.

Up until recently, I usually was brief if a client’s wife or girlfriend called me. I denied knowing or associating with their husband, and said “This is my job. I see married men all the time and I do not ask about their personal lives. Sorry but there is nothing else I can say.”

But recently, I could not remain stoic with a sad wife who called me. I felt terrible for the woman on the other end of the line. She had just given birth, only to discover her husband’s thirst for other women. I wanted to cry with her for the deception that has ruined her world. What makes everything all the more confusing for these wives is that often their husbands are sweet men –some of my married clients are some of the most kindest, generous and loving type of men. But if someone can risk ruining another persons well-being to benefit themselves, are they really that great? How can someone casually cheat someone they supposedly love? Not all marriage scenarios are the same, however. Indeed, there are many cases I have observed where the husband cheats because he is purely selfish, apathetic and has no sense of appreciating what he has (a.k.a  he’s stuck in the deceptive ‘grass is greener’ fantasy). And then there are other cases where couples have little-to-no sex life at all, nor any sexual chemistry — and then the husband goes to escorts due to sexual deprivation. The reasons are complex, indeed — and moreover, it doesn’t help when one lives in a society that indirectly promotes cheating others for self-gain.

Things Are Not What They Seem: Picture-Perfect Deception?

The irony I have discovered is the fact that many married clients have very beautiful wives. Yes, beautiful women are cheated on commonly. It is only ironic because many people mistakenly believe that being ‘beautiful’ is enough to keep their partner sexually satisfied — women commonly make this wrong assumption. Genuine sexual bonding has very little to do with physical looks — sadly, many people do not realize this. We live in a world where people are lead to believe that sexual chemistry is found in those who appear sexy — appearing ‘sexual’ outwardly has no correlation to being internally sexualit is internal qualities that contributes to the sexual energy transfer between two bodies (a.k.a. chemistry).

Some regular clients show me pictures of their families and their wives. Some even show me their social media, where they have photos of their families. Ironically, many of my married clients have ‘picture perfect’ families. Recently, I googled one of my clients to check if he was using a real name or not. Incidentally, I ended up on the social media of this client’s fiancee. Her entire social media portrayed the picture-perfect life, complete with endless cute photos of her and her hubby-to-be. Sadly, little does she know that her future husband had traveled to another country to meet an escort, me. I imagine that outsiders may look at her life, or others like her, and wish they had what she portrays …..but little do outsiders know that her ‘picture perfect’ relationship consists of a husband who acts on his desires for other women. This only reiterates the realization of how much deception exists in life, especially in a time where people are obsessed with misleadingly showcasing themselves and their ‘lifestyles.’ Outsiders, generally, assume the same for high-class escorts — they assume escorts are satisfied for getting paid to have sex in comfortable settings — they don’t see what happens behind the scenes. I cannot count how many people I’ve met who are depressed because they feel their lives are not measuring up to the ‘perfect’ and ‘glamorous’ lives of people they see in real life or on social media. For such people, I always try to emphasize as much as I can, “Believe me, things are not what they appear to be.”

The Question of “Why Did They Cheat?”

The other day, I decided to share some of these thoughts with a regular married client of mine. I told him about the most recent cases of wives calling me. I have known this client for nearly 6 years now, so I was comfortable to discuss the sensitive subject of “cheating” with him (after all, he is married). We then got into a discussion of “Why?” I asked him, “Why do you come to see me?” Just as he has told me before, he said that him and his wife almost never have sex. Though, since we’ve been meeting over the last 6 years, he did have a baby with his wife between this time. His wife only allowed sex for the purpose of baby-making. I then asked, “What if you and your wife started having sex more often, would you still need to see other women?” He then explained that if he got sex from his wife, he would have no incentive to find it elsewhere. He also added, “But since I met you, it would be difficult to stop seeing you now.” And me, being myself, said, “I hope one day you won’t have to see me anymore.” I then asked about his wife and her sexuality — like many others, she shared the trait of being physically beautiful, yet lacking any desire for sex. What is one to do in this case? There is no simple answer. 

The purpose of writing this post was to share sympathy for wives of cheating husbands. Thank you for understanding that I and other escorts are doing this for money/survival. To married clients, please think twice about how much you are potentially hurting someone — be honest, be real.

If you are the spouse of cheating partner, what was your experience? If you are married man who see’s escorts, how do you justify it?

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A Courtesans’ Perspective: Fragments of Thought

Lately, I am reluctant to share my thoughts. Sometimes I see no purpose to continue writing at all, but then I’m reminded of how my writings can, perhaps, comfort and help others with similar experiences. Rather than a usual post,  this post contains fragments of my writings in recent months.

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(…) I am immersed in emptiness. Yet this lonesome exile inspires my poems. Had everything remained glorious, would I ever conceive these poems? These thoughts brew endlessly in sleepless nights. If you see beauty in my words, then please know that they are the result of pain and tears.

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(…) At least, with your protective arms, I could forget the world. Forget all my worries. But now, there is no hope. No security. No protective love from you. Everything is gone. I want to escape so desperately. But I can’t. I am on my own. And this debauched society tells people to be ‘independent,’ in an effort to mask their exploitative interests. Yes, I am praised for being ‘independent,’ yet this made me further isolated from warmth and belonging — who did this really benefit after all?

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On “The Impact of Travels” :

(…) When I was in my early teenage years, I remember walking along a narrow lane in a busy city in Northern China. I was starting to become aware of my rapidly blossoming womanly body. My appearance caused the attention of onlookers, who first complimented my appearance and then ask “Where are you from?” Ethnic wise, I can be anything from Turkish to Turkmenistani, so whenever I travel internationally people often assume I am mixed with their local culture. As I walked along, an elder man, who seemed to look like a holy man of some sort, stopped before me. He bowed at my feet and then apparently blessed me. These early instances of superficial admiration started to build my growing sense of self..

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(…) I realize my daily routine is really just feeding someone else’s dream. Countless hours spent studying, reading. And I do this with painstaking joy and curiosity. But why through these elitist institutions? It’s very discouraging when realizing that most of our lives have been strategically tailored to maintaining a system of profit and greed. 

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Poetry:

(…)Let me wither away. Let me be like a corpse, a dead body, attracting all the vultures. Let them feast upon my body until it’s empty. What is the point to remain a half-dead body? 

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“Hopeless Moment” :

I cannot bear to be a burden to anyone anymore, so I stay in my own prison. If I don’t sell my dead body, then my savings will go dwindling, just like my heart. How can an escort remain successful when she is dead inside? My success is tied to my sense of hope — but how does one continue this work when all hope is faded? This smile is so fragile. I cannot bear to be fake, but I have too. 

My ‘sweetness’ is fragile, and I pray that good men will approach me. I fear the bad side of this industry, as I’m far too weak, at this particular moment, to deal with the bad seeds. And sadly, bad seeds are increasingly abundant….

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On “Annoyances of Advertising” :

In a perfect world, I could advertise and only lovely men would contact me. But in reality, my carefully outlined website isn’t enough to deter morons from contacting me and wasting my time. Yes, there are hungry vultures of men who sit on their computers, calling up escorts and inevitably waste our time. They have no sense of courtesy or respect. I ignore these types, yet unfortunately they are part of the process of sifting good potential clients from bad ones. I must say thanks to God, because my clients are lovely men who are deeply respectful. But sadly, an escort has to encounter the BAD to see the GOOD. And even worse, sometimes it’s not so easy to tell the good from the bad. 

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On “The Doctor: an ‘Endowed’ Client” :

(…) I was not used to his endowed thickness. He was too lovely to deny, so I wanted to try. He asked, sweetly, “Are you okay?” I told him, “Yes,” and motioned him to continue pushing it inside me. Whilst this handsome young doctor was attempting to fill me with his thickness, I was fantasizing that my previous lovers were watching me take it. I expressed this fantasy to another client, Mr.Zee, last night. Whilst he penetrated me very passionately, I said, “I wish a group of young handsome men are watching us, would you be shy?”

At times, that’s one of my main fantasies: to have my lovers watch me getting so wet and horny for another handsome man’s thickness. I want my lovers to get angry, yet at the same time see their manhood getting immensely hard. And then, my lover, of course, gets his turn after the other(s) finish. I do not actually consider doing this fantasy, but talking about it can be exciting…

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On “My Heart and Love Cannot be Bought” :

I swear, it is really the most strangest feeling to be extremely sad, hopeless, unhappy whilst simultaneously laying in the arms of a man who thinks you are a Goddess. I can illustrate this by narrating a client I recently saw. This client was of similar origins to myself. He saw me and couldn’t stop praising me. He said I was his dream girl, and he wanted to dedicate the entire appointment to praising me. His flattery was along the lines of “I’ve been dreaming about the most perfect girl all my life, and it is you.” He literally was licking and kissing my body for 2 hours. After he made me orgasm, he insisted that I come again, and again. Eventually, I had to forcefully push his head away from between my thighs. I found his sweetness very lovely, and felt very thankful for it. But I knew what he wanted — he wanted love. And I have no love in my heart to give him, except for the moments he paid for. He reminded me of my ex-fiance, who went to all lengths to make me feel pleased and happy in the most selfless manner. I feel sad that I cannot give him the love he desires. 

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Without love, everything can seem so pointless. Why aspire to anything if life is going to be lonesome and meaningless? And ironically, there is love all around me. I do have men who love and admire me, offering me the life I dream about. But I do not love them. I cannot force myself to love someone. I want nobody else. I have no desire to meet others. My heart is in exile. 

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Poetic Thoughts:

Let me burn. Let me burn until there’s nothing left. I swear, I am only a body now. My soul has departed. Like Pakeezah called herself, I am just “a dead body.” I am a beautiful body, who’s dead inside. I am painted with kohl and red lipstick, appearing like an elegant beauty of exotic regions. Once, this beautiful body and face was filled with light within, but now, everything is gloom.

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More on “My heart and love is not for sale” :

(…) Lately, I’ve met too many single clients who are trying to get a relationship. Most are humble and respectful about it, which doesn’t bother me. But some are arrogant, who mistakenly think they can impress me with their money and so-called ‘success.’ To the arrogant types, I feel like saying, “I’ve had much BETTER than you. I’d rather DIE than settle with you.” Yes, that’s extremely harsh, but honestly sometimes that is what I feel. One overly-confident client asked, “If a man supported you financially, would you be with him?” And I said, “Only if I loved him, but otherwise no.” No, my love is not for sale. 

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I am back in hell. Silenced. I do not dare to share my pain with clients, or anyone. If I wanted to, I can be loved and cared for. But I don’t want to be near somebody I don’t love. I’d rather sulk alone. I don’t want pity. The only one who can console me is the one who just died. 

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(…) and these nights drenched in tears, surrounded by abundance, has made me realize the most invaluable purpose of life: God (love). 

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On “Mourning” :

It feels like I’ve spent these weeks in mourning. Mourning, yet there is no comfort in the sense of closure. Finally, I went to a place of death, where there is only mourning. And I cried. I was shocked at myself, as I almost never cry in front of strangers. Everyone around me was crying, and somehow I absorbed their pain too. But for the most, my tears were in vain, as I was mourning the death of my own love. And how does one mourn when their heart is shattered? How does one just continue in life? Life can never be the same. 

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A Question of “Poison” – Western-Liberal Values

I apologize to my viewers for not posting lately. I have been writing extensively, but my thoughts, like my life, are complex, confusing and dynamic.

I find myself becoming more cynical towards Western-Liberal ideology, and all of its implications. In a nutshell, I can sum up Western-Liberal ideology as: money accumulation, perpetual growth, competition, individual gain and a discourse of ‘freedom.’ These are all values that I, unknowingly, adopted and internalized. Western-Liberal ideology is what I attribute to my self-destruction. I am starting to view Western-Liberal indoctrination as ‘poison.’ And people who practice such traits, I refer to them as ‘poisoned.’ I am ‘poisoned’ myself, yet I am aware of it’s negativity. Michel Foucault’s concept of biopower and how state power works indirectly to control our lifestyles, making us ‘self-regulators,’ also revolutionized my thoughts.

So why so cynic? The more I study about the history of cultures and make comparisons, I realize that the modern world has failed to fulfil the basic human need: belonging.  Individualism, by way of Western-Liberal ideology, had turn most of us into self-indulgent, narcissists. The implications of ‘greed’ is that we neglect others for self-gain — thus, the human need to belong is jeopardized. The inequalities between the favored and unfavored are growing.

Yet so many people are unaware of this. We ‘self-regulate’ ourselves in ways that do not benefit others, but rather maintain the hegemony of neoliberal capitalism. Many notions of Western-Liberal ideology are unchallenged by the majority, because they are so embedded into our minds (most of us do not think about the origin of these values). How often do people challenge the concept of ‘growth’ and realize that accumulation of things is not sustainable? Others may be aware, but they have no need to worry, because they are ‘normative’ people who get along well with like-minded individuals. But what about marginalized individuals? What about people who do not fit the ‘norm’ of society? They suffer. They are isolated. Nobody pays attention to them. And even worst, various institutions, such as the mass-media, feed us propaganda to dismiss these ‘misfit’s’ and blame them for social ills.  My heart cries for fellow marginalized individuals. Suicide crosses their minds, because the worst punishment for anyone is social isolation. As Emile Durkheim notes, those who belong are less likely to commit suicide. Happiness is linked to social cohesion, yet the current dynamics of conformity are based on maintaining social asymmetry rather than an egalitarian goal.

I strongly admire those who are not affected by this ‘poison.’ I cannot admire those who possess all of the negative traits that I possess. I outcaste myself. I don’t like doing things that most people my age do. I am still ‘poisoned’,  yes. I still carry poisonous items, such as designer items,….but slowly, I hope to getaway from all these things that are meaningless in life. What has meaning? Love, family, traditions, spirituality, nature.

Sometimes I have this dream…to run away. I love that novel by James Hilton, “Lost Horizon,” where a traveler accidentally arrives at a blissful haven on earth, away from the ills of civilization. Yet I have traveled the world. I have travel to several parts of the world, both wealthy and poor, trying to find meaning. Like James Hilton’s novel, I too have realized that the most kind and loving people are those who are content with less materialism. The unfortunate reality is that the entire world is being incorporated into this ‘poison’ — adopting Western ideology (capitalism). The old traditions will, tragically, die out.

On a recent venture to the Middle East, my expectations of a culture-rich society was met with disappointment — it is very evident that adopting the notion of wealth accumulation is destroying the beauty of the old traditions. Most cultures were manipulated, via colonialism and coersion, into this new modern ideology. In the rich Gulf States, most women and men are no longer concerned with tradition, but rather men are focused on comparing Ferrari and Maseratis in the Majles, and women are concerned with the latest Chanel or Birkin handbag and beautifying themselves on a  ‘plastic surgery’ trip to Lebanon. What is more disheartening is that it’s very ‘uncool’ to be traditional (in the premodern sense). It’s common to hear unintellectual youngsters being proud of not being beduoin or not having beduoin mannerisms.

Often, I like to imagine if I had a child one day. Where is the best place to live with good communal values? How would I protect my son or daughter from these individualistic ideals and practices that plague the majority? How do I prevent my child from living a meaningless life of going to nightclubs, drinking, drugs and using material things to determine their self-worth?

I was once the epitome of everything that I currently detest. Yet often I wonder why didn’t I end up like the majority? I feel very grateful for my experiences, otherwise I would have continued with empty, shallow habits. Everything happens for a reason

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