Category Archives: Dealing with Depression

Dumped on my Wedding Day

The point of this post is not to slander, it is to create awareness. It is my hope that my experiences will be a learning lesson for others.

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I will start off by advising my readers: NEVER EVER Fall for Words or Promises that bare no fruits or action. To my young ladies, never EVER believe a man loves you if he is depriving you of significance or dignity. A man who truly loves you will show it with action. Love is so abused in today’s times and as Sheikh Mufti Menk says, “Often, ‘I love you’ these days is actually ‘I want to use you.‘”

My life as a sex worker has brought me, unintentionally, into a lot of sin. Even though my only intention in the sex industry was survival (I never wanted any part in the personal lives of my clients), I was still involved in a process that hurt others and myself.

It was never my choice to be in the sex trade — its a psychological trap. I thought love was the cure, but I was wrong. The one who claimed to love me reminded me nearly daily that I was hopeless — it made him feel powerful to drain any ounce of joy I had left. He would further get angry at me if I defended myself or called him out on his false promises.

I am sure the ones I have hurt will be happy to know that my life is meaningless and I will forever be deprived of wholesome love. I am unable to trust. I was a fool to hope or dream before. Love has hurt to the extent that I no longer welcome it in my life — this journey of life will always be lonely. Alhamdulilah.

Two days ago, I was abandoned on the day of my Nikkah (Islamic marriage).

Almost one year prior in February 2017, I was abandoned previously by the same man. Despite he effortlessly left me alone without a concern for my well-being, he came back to me later in 2017. Some words he said were:

“In all honesty I was/am prepared to abandon anyone who disagrees with our union.”

“Somehow you are still in the same place you were a few months ago and I’m still madly in love with you. If nothing has changed in your situation have you at least come to grips with the mistake we have made?(exiting from each others lives)”

I never exited from his life. I was ready to start a halal life. It was him who essentially told me that I was unwanted and that he won’t fight for us anymore. I was abandoned. To cope, I had to actually write large memos all over my home to stop myself from falling into a debilitating depression. I had to remind myself, He never loved me. Love would not let me walk away alone and helpless, love would not leave me to be single and open for other men to take my hand. It was false love.” 

When he tried to come back to me late last year, he spoke beautiful words to me. I agreed to meet him. He spent an entire evening apologizing to me — he brought a diary which supposedly had poems written about me, and us. For a short lived period, he was kind to me. He even then read out 25 things he loves about me. He apologized for abandoning me. He apologized for mistreating me. He told me nothing else in the world matters anymore and gave me the impression that he would fight against all barriers to be with me. He spoke beautiful words about how it was his goal to get me out of the sex industry. And because I had empathy for his ‘issues’, I wanted so badly to believe he was sincere — I took him back after months of his proclamations of love. Very shortly after, it was apparent that all of his remorse was words only.

“Go back to fucking other men!” “You will never change” “I love you! I will get help!” “I won’t abandon you again.”

It was not as if my expectations were unreasonable. I made it so simple — too simple. And yet, shortly after I took him back, he began reverting back to his old ways. It is clear now, given the way he treated me and spoke to me, that I was a burden for him. There was no loving support, nor a hand to hold mine and tell me, “I am here, you are loved, your worries are mine and I will protect you.” There was no Mirza who came on a horse to take me away. I am no Sahiba.

He had also won me back with sweet words in previous years, only to leave me broken and abandoned. All the times he had abandoned me, I began to see a pattern of his — the only reasoning for his behavior was that he was using me. He knew that I would give in and give my body willingly if I believed he loved me. His efforts and kindness were always short lived and he changed drastically once he got what he wanted. Whenever he came back, he convinced me that he did, in fact, love me for who I was — yet I questioned this ‘love’ once he reverted back to his bullying and neglect. He thrived off bullying me. Each time he abandoned me or pushed me away to the point I had to leave him, I was broken even more. I stopped giving my body. He would blame me for his sexual frustration. He would blame me for asking for nikkah (marriage). He would constantly accuse me of cheating or blow up at me for being a sex worker. He would blame me for defending myself. And then he would abandon me always once I was drained and emotionally destroyed. He never cared, he never loved. I was never wanted. He became very angry once things started getting serious, because it meant he actually had to start taking action and responsibility for me –which he never did. I can accept if someone doesn’t want me, but he convinced me otherwise and promised marriage.

My doubts were real and now confirmed. I was not a human to this person. I was an object. All of my emotions and well being never meant anything. I was a sex object. I, as a person, was never wanted — in fact, I was a burden. I was promised love and protection, promised a halal life — I was made to dream, and I was abandoned effortlessly not once, but multiple times. Indeed, I am a fool for believing a person would not behave so cruelly.

3 Days Before the Marriage:

The happiest day of a woman’s life, right?

I don’t even know why I am doing it. I have a faint, childish hope that the one who once claimed to love me…..that he will actually start loving me. But I know better also, I know that hoping and dreaming is pointless for me.

And days away, it will be a nikkah. No ceremony. Just in front of Allah. And it may not even happen — things have always been fragile and insecure with this person.

There is no excitement, nor will their ever be. Though the nikkah is between two people, I am the only one who has pushed for it. The other party is making it very obvious that it is unwanted and it is a burden. In fact, I have just been told that no consummation will occur, as it will be easier to divorce me this way. No celebration. Nothing. All the promises and hopes that once filled my head have amounted to nothing. I am an utter fool. Last week, I wanted to feel excited for something. I thought about what I will wear, about what food to bring to the mosque, about staying in a hotel, about photos, about a new life! — what a fool I am.

Only tears of pain and fear have resulted from the unwanted date to come in a few days….it was only wanted by me. But it is okay. I ask myself why I have this foolish hope — hope that doesn’t exist at all.

And I am told to write a promise letter. I wasn’t told, I was threatened.  I am to promise  that I will stop being the whore that I was and to ‘prove’ that I am capable of not whoring myself. I am not trusted, and reminded every day of how untrustworthy I am. Despite he should be the one begging for my forgiveness, despite he came back to me after neglecting me, despite he said he accepted me and nothing else matters… here I am now, proving that I deserve his love. 

I know I have made mistakes too, which is why I made excuses for his lack of effort in making me significant — he is also hurting. But how am I suppose to remain stoic when someone keeps punishing me for things that is in the past? He came back to me fully knowing of what had happened in the past, and he even admitted it was not correct in how he treated me in the past as a result. Why I am still being punished despite I have left my life of sin? Everything I have done is out of love. All I wanted was a halal outlet to give love, and yet he keeps delaying and denying that to me as a Muslim woman.  If Allah can forgive me, why can’t he also forgive me? Does he not see my heart? Does he not see all the small things I have done to show that my heart is sincere and loyal to him? Why else would I have done the things I did except out of love? Yet at every moment, he couldn’t stop finding reasons to pick on me. This made me go into self-defence mode, and in order to guard my heart from being hurt like before, I very bluntly told him that I fear he is using me and I will not tolerate that. Why couldn’t he just take my hands and say, “Okay, no more. I will start loving you now.” Why couldn’t he make the correlation that loving me, making me halal and building me up would in turn make me trust me him and therefore treat him as the respectful man he wanted to be? All the energy he had to be angry at me, why couldn’t he just tunnel that energy into love instead?

All these thoughts make my cry, because at this point I am hopeless, not by choice. I never wanted things to be this way. But sadly, what I envisioned is not going to happen. All the anticipation, the hopes…have died. And for what? Pride? Power? Proving a point? Astagfiroulla. 

One Day Before the Marriage:

Tomorrow will be a cruel joke. He promised to marry me before the end of 2017. But he broke that promise, and I gave him yet another chance. Then, he promised to marry me on this date, which is tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will show up alone, abandoned… I know it.

No glow in my face. Too much tears, trauma, lack of sleep, too much sleep, fears and internal pain. I have been telling him for months, “Please have the courtesy of telling me if I am wanted or not, don’t leave me in limbo.” 

He has abandoned me many times. It happened before, it can happened again.

Tomorrow, I will come alone to the Masjid to cry. Cry to Allah. I only have Allah.

There is no excitement. I have been ridiculed and emotionally abused for the past two weeks, let alone the past couple of years. Why? Because I questioned why he keeps delaying giving me significance, and I question why he keeps fighting with me for all the reasons he once apologized for. He gets furious when I ask for significance — as if it is a terrible burden for him. And when I point out how his promises have amounted to nothing, he gets more furious.

In a moment of anger, two weeks ago, I snapped and called him a hypocrite. The definition of a hypocrite I was referring to was the following: (1) When He speaks, He speaks Lies (2) When he makes a promise, he breaks it and (3) When he is trusted, he betrays his trust. His typical pattern was to be consistently mean to me until I snapped. And I snapped two weeks ago. I broke down. I then stood up for myself and said “When a man loves a woman, he will not treat her this way! This is unacceptable. I have known men who would never behave this way and I have been treated better.”

That made him extremely angry, and for that, I was belittled every single day up until now. I made excuses for him. Just let him vent his anger at me. He convinced me that I deserve his anger and wrath. I shouldn’t have called him out. I shouldn’t have told him I have been treated better. I made excuses for him. Despite he has actually broken promises, betrayed trust, abandoned me before, and was delaying marriage for no reason, it was still my fault. Suddenly now, I was apologizing and worried for him — despite he has broken me and he will end up hurting me tomorrow. I know it. 

The Day of the Marriage

I was dumped two hours before we were proposed to do the nikkah at the Mosque. 

Today was my wedding day. It never happened. It was supposed to happen around 7pm just after Isha prayers.

Earlier today, in the morning, I had to attend a family members graduation ceremony. Everyone was filled with happiness and joy. I wanted so badly to be happy with my family too. But just as everyone was jumping and cheering for joy, I started crying out loud and ran to the washroom to lock myself and cry. Shaking. Nobody noticed, I wouldn’t let anyone notice. During the whole graduation ceremony, he was texting me hostile and abusive messages — once again, I let him just vent his anger to me, even though I know it’s not acceptable. I began crying because I knew he was only going to hurt me — I was crying because everything he promised me was now clearly a lie. I was duped. I was crying because I never believed that someone who loved me could hurt me like this. He came back to me, he apologized and now he is doing exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. I have never broken down in public like that and felt such tremendous fear. 

Then I dried my tears, yet my eyes were red. I was shaking. I wanted to disappear, but I was stuck in a crowd of happy people celebrating. And then, at last, I ran to my car and parked in an isolated area to cry. My family needed me to drive others, so I wiped my tears again and picked them up. How could I explain to them why I just disappeared on such a joyous occasion?

I made an excuse that I was having really bad allergies, which is why I my eyes were red and my nose was sniffling.

Yesterday was the same. I was heart broken in tears. Like a fool, I still tried to remain optimistic about the wedding. I knew he was going to hurt me, but I still had a faint hope that he wasn’t such a monster to actually abandon me after leading me on for all this time. Yesterday, I got sweets and a gift for the caretaker at the Masjid. Meanwhile, I was bombarded with angry, abusive text messages from him. He was behaving as he had in the past — blaming me for his anger. I kept pleading with him to just be honest with me, I have been pleading with him for months, “Don’t lead me on!” “Why did you come back to me and make all these promises then?” That day, I cried in my car for almost 2 hours. Each tear I thought about all the sweet nothings he used to tell me. And then I reminded myself of how foolish I am to even hope for anything. How cruel to tell a prostitute to hope, when hope is against her. 

“We will go ring shopping.”

“What do you think about moving to this city together babe?”

“Let’s move in a new place together babe, a new start”

But as always, at every step I was let down. It is not as if I was expecting. I know all too well not to expect. This was the bare minimum. He would make me dream, only to snatch it from me and then emotionally abuse me for asking “Why not?”

He kept calling me hours up until the nikkah. He was fuming with anger, and I have no idea why. He said it was all my fault at why he was angry. I was told with fuming anger, “LISTEN I WILL ONLY MARRY YOU IF YOU AGREE TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAY. IF I SAY JUMP YOU WILL JUMP OKAY? I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME ANYMORE! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT YOU IF YOU PROVOKE ME AFTER MARRIAGE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??!!” Usually, I defended myself, but there was no point. I was broken. I listened to him belittle me the whole day — I agreed to everything he said, even his threats. And then finally, two hours before the nikkah, he tells me he cannot do it and says “Goodbye.”

I decided to go to the Masjid anyways. I wore my new abaya. I did my make up. I showed up at the masjid alone. I knew I would be alone. I needed to feel close to Allah. 

I got to the Masjid in the evening. The few sisters who remained at the Masjid were informed that it was the day of my Nikkah. I came in, and the sister greeted me with a big smile. I was greeted and told how pretty I looked. The sisters looked at me with excitement. The sister who organized my nikkah looked at me with bright eyes and a big smile, “I have just told the other sisters that it’s your nikkah today!” My eyes water and I just look down and said, “No. Nothing.” The other sisters came to me also with excitement, and tears filled my eyes. We all said, “Alhamdulilah” Praise to Allah. 


pakeezah-bride

Final Notes: One reason the film Pakeezah is a favorite of mine and brings tears is because it addresses the main conflict for a prostitute: our innocent yearning for love and the bitter realization that we can never have love.

At the end of the film, Pakeezah is not only defeated, but traumatized. She cannot stop hearing imaginary voices of outsiders calling her derogatory terms, reminding her that she will never be anything but a whore. In tears, she realizes her fate:

Yes. My vagabond dead body has returned to be buried in this colorful tomb (she has return to the brothel)

Yes. Every whore is a dead body. I am a dead body and you are too. (She says to a fellow courtesan)

The marketplace (brothel district) is a graveyard.. of women whose’s souls are dead but the bodies remain alive

These mansions (homes or brothels) are our tombs, in which the living coffins of we dead women are kept after being decorated.

Our coffins are left open so that....*she gasps in tears*

I am a restless dead body in one such open coffin, which is lured by life again and again..

..But now, I’ve got fed up with of my waywardness and this treachery on the part of life. I’ve got tired of it. 

*

In Islam, relations between unrelated males and females is prohibited. The reasoning is that unregulated mixing results in what has happened to me and many other social ills. Men and women, though equal, are different. Women need wholesome protection. Men were created to protect women. Because I never had this, this is a strong contributing factor to how I ended up in the sex industry. I spent so many years trying to observe why certain women are susceptible to the sex industry and why some are not. Without a doubt, a woman who comes from wholesome, caring family will not find herself in prostitution.

From all this pain, I say Alhamdulilah (All praise belongs to Allah). There were many lessons that had to be learnt from this. Trials invoke one to only hope and strive for Allah, the Creator. From this pain, I have learnt my only true protector is Allah. For the one who caused me pain, I hope that you, too, will be guided back to Allah.

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

wilting-flower

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.

Isolated.

Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself


 

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I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.

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Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


 

In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

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My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old proverb (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I didn’t appreciate his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if life is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together. I love him, but I cannot bare the idea that our love will never blossom into something truly symbolic: a family.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways. Our love is a classic example of how the cruel forces of politics and society are preventing us from establishing our basic desires.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

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Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Dealing with Depression, Memories, My Poetry and Others, Relationships, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Pain mixed with Pleasure, Loneliness, Passion, Hopelessness and Misery…

People assume its just so easy to exit from the sex industry. The financial rewards and lifestyle are so attractive compared to other alternatives, so quitting is often met with severe withdrawals. There are many other factors making it difficult to exit. There are no real alternatives to exit the sex industry. There are no social support networks that eliminate the FACTORS that placed women in prostitution — how can we eliminate the ills of society? There will always be inequality in a capitalistic system — it’s comprised of the “haves” and the “have nots.”

Most escorts, including myself, fall in love and hope their lover will ‘protect’ them, but that’s not addressing the entire problem. Not all escorts want to quit, nor do all escorts want to be dependent on one man. Our problems can be multiple: the addiction to money, the stigma, and lack of social acceptance, the desire for love/acceptance. There are services for various addictions, but where is the help for women addicted to selling their bodies?

Another problem is denial. For years, I felt the sex industry didn’t actually impact my happiness, I felt above it’s implications. Initially, I thought the money could solve all my worries, but then I realized my shallowness was leaving me feeling empty . Even worse, I gained so much pride (ego) from making fast-money. I felt having money and autonomy would override my pain.  Clients further gave me the impression I was in “good shape” because they always compliment on how I was so ‘normal.’ Many clients enjoyed me because they thought the industry didn’t affect me. Yet it’s all fake, and lies. My ego was a mask, hiding the empty soul inside. I made sure that people saw I was confident, while on the inside I felt misery, insecurity and hopeless. What causes this pain is the stigma, because we are marginalized for not conforming to the norms.

I am accustomed to tuning out my emotions because of this job. I am a master at being fake — faking a smile, faking happiness  — it’s become normal to me. I hide my pain, but sometimes its unbearable that I just retreat from everything and everyone. We cannot run away from our emotions…they will never go away unless we deal with them.

I am scared to trust. I constantly fear abandonment, rejection. I retreat before I can be neglected. I use my work (prostitution) as a method that allows me to ‘profit’ from being neglected. Men can use my body at their advantage and neglect me at the same time. Yet somehow, the money is supposed to compensate for this act of neglect. Basically, prostitution is saying it is OKAY to neglect someone if you pay them off. I make a lot of money to be used. In my case, however, it isn’t as terrible as I am making it seem….I am treated respectfully, thankfully. Clients do not hurt me physically, and in reality my clients are extremely polite and respectful of my rules as a courtesan. I do not blame clients either, because not all clients have the intention of neglecting me. Many men tip generously, and many feel their money will ‘help’ me.  However, the money does NOT erase the emotional turmoil of being hated by mainstream society. Now I finally understand the cliche of “having all in the money in the world, yet all material things become meaningless.”

Some clients are aware of this disconnect, which also affects them. I’ve encountered many clients who, if they had the chance, would love to be with me and make me happy.  After all, my ex was my client, and he wanted to protect me. As mention, there are a minority of clients who are fearful of rejection themselves: These clients are looking for belonging and THEY, themselves, are rejected by prostitutes. Ironically, I also have to reject and indirectly neglect men. I encounter clients who have feelings for me, yet I am not interested at all. Many of my clients want love and companionship, not just sex.  While I appreciate my admirers, I do not love them. I have to remind them that I cannot get involved with them beyond business. The only exceptions has been my ex, the Sheik, and a few others whom I felt a connection too. I can share my body for money, but I cannot share my soul so easily. I feel sad when I think about all the lovely men I meet who want something that I cannot give them outside the confines of business: love. As an escort, I try my best to make good-hearted clients feel good while we are together. Now, it might seem understandable why one of my friends jokingly referred to me as the “Mother Teresa” of prostitutes.

Yet for the Sheik, I am just a woman on lease — a temporary wife. Many Saudis in modern times hire maids, cleaners, drivers, and temporary ‘pleasure’ women like myself. Sometimes I feel like his worker too; his lover on lease. Yet he claims to love me more than his own life, swears by god and his mother’s life. I do believe he loves me, given he treats me exceptionally well. But his version of love is conditional, and moreover he doesn’t know the importance of love. Some Saudis have this mentality: that money buy can anything. Money buys maids, drivers, and sex….and its  “okay.” But how many Saudis feel empathy for the lives of their workers ? Do they feel guilt or remorse? I hardly doubt it. Sadly, many are far too “Arab-centric”….what doesn’t concern them is not important. I don’t think my Sheik has this mentality, but I’ve encountered many Gulf men who are hardly concerned with the fate of their workers.

The irony of it all is that he, my love, treats me better than himself. He buys whatever I want, and doesn’t buy for himself. He does whatever I want, and all he wants in return is my love. He has designated me as the Queen…and he even loves if I refer to him as my “slave.” He is, for the moment, completely devoted to me in both words and action. Yet I must always remind myself: this is love on a lease. He may treat me like his Goddess now, but the reality is he does not think about my future. In his mentality, he thinks giving me lots of money is helping me, and somehow, he feels his generosity can compensate for neglecting me later on.  Some Saudi men justify temporary love, because temporary love has been propagated as ‘halal’ by their state officials. It is sanctioned in state discourses by way of Misyaar and Muta (temporary) marriages. Sadly, many men exploit these laws for their selfish motives. There is nothing ‘halal’ about neglecting a woman, and thinking it can be fixed by financial compensation.

I hide my pain. It’s the fault of the ego I developed from making fast money .. Yet it’s all a facade. I am happy with him, yet it’s followed by unhappiness when I am alone and reflect on everything. I go out and put on my ‘happy face” but when I retreat I feel the wound . I am a deep wound concealed by layers of superficial bliss.

Sometimes the pain unbearable. No one can understand because I portray myself as strong and wise. But the truth is I’m so damaged inside . I don’t pity myself … But sometimes I feel envious of those who had easy lives. Nobody would care even if I did pity. They will say I choose to sell myself and that I could have made better choices.

The Saudi double standard. A stab to my heart… That it’s okay to use me….how does he feel about it all?! A man who claims to love me yet has no intention to marry. It’s selfish.

Do Escorts Enjoy their Lives? Maybe on the outside. We portray our lives as great, luxurious, perfect , but it’s concealing the pain that brought us to serving men we don’t love. Of course, however, many of our clients are also serving us — so it would be incorrect to say all prostitutes are being degraded. Nonetheless, our pride forces us to hide the pain. We are forced to defend our ‘choices’….and defend the lives we made for ourselves…and deny the truth to ourselves. Short term happiness, and long-term depression. Bouts of happiness, followed by retreats of deep thinking and questioning. What sort of happiness did this bring me?

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Do Prostitutes Really Choose To Sell Themselves?



If a prostitute isn’t being forced to sell herself, then it’s easy to assume she chose to sell herself. Indeed, individualistic societies assume that people have the freedom of choice in life (neoliberalism, the dominant economic ideology, masks its exploitative agenda by using the notion of ‘freedom’). Thus, when someone makes a mistake, the individual is blamed for causing his or her mishap. In Sociological terms, one’s own assertion of power is referred to as agency. Most sociologists argue that one’s agency  is influenced by numerous societal factors/expectations. A prostitute choosing to sell herself is not solely her choice, but rather the outcome of her social circumstances.

Yet it is not surprising how people assume that ‘high-class’ prostitutes make the choice to sell themselves.  This mentality judges everything on the surface, but it fails at  discovering the experiences that preceded it. My ex, for instance, felt I had total agency (power) over my decisions. He didn’t realize I was severely addicted to selling myself, nor that my unique lifestyle had shaped me irreversibly. I didn’t realize it myself back then, as I thought the sex industry left me unscathed. Once the veil is stained.. the stain will remain forever.

At large, society ignores the factors that places stigmatized people in ‘dysfunctional,’ helpless positions. Did they choose to be neglected? Did they choose to be sexually or physically abused, or to have alcoholic parents? This mentality ignores the inequalities that exist in this ‘functional’ structure of society. How can we expect people with different experiences to all act, think and feel the same? It’s unrealistic.

I read a great article by an author named Nekome, read here , titled, How Prostitution Chose Me. The woman gives a great example of how her personal agency was limited by her personal experiences. She was lured to the sex industry. “When real alternatives do not exist, it looks like people are making bad choices. What are the basic rights that all women and children should have so that they never have to make the “choice” to prostitute?” Again, what are the alternatives for a woman who has sold herself? Even if she stops she will still be haunted by her addiction. As well, she has to conceal her past in public settings, and may believe she is a’ bad’ person for her past, which causes emotional distress. When someone is so emotionally damaged inside, is it easy for that person to integrate back into ‘normal’ society and pretend everything is ‘normal?’ Not at all.

Our life circumstances greatly influence our emotions, and thus emotions influence the choices we make. This assumption bothers me: “Why can’t prostitutes work NORMAL jobs and work HARD like the rest of people in society?” I got into prostitution because I couldn’t function in ‘normal’ workplaces. Prior to entering prostitution, I had extreme depression. I tried to work a normal job, but my emotional problems lead to social phobia and anxiety, and thus I could not commit to the linear schedule. Financial strains and pressures from family to succeed increased my depression. Prostitution lured me in, because I could work when I want (at my own leisure).

In my personal experience, it’s so hard to go back to a normal job. I have tried a few times to quit the sex industry and work at a normal job. The problem was not just the adjustment of making less money, but it was lack of commonality with ‘normal’ people. I had to hide everything, all of my personal experiences that defined me. I feared of being rejected or condemned. Often, I avoided making friendships because I hated pretending to be ‘normal.’ So, I ended up being introverted, and I would get depressed as a result. The depression affected my ability to show up at the job, and thus I lost motivation.  Then I reverted back into what I know best: selling myself. Prostitution allowed me to essentially survive while dealing with emotional issues. I could work when my mood was good, and of course retreat when I was feeling depressed. That was how I survived (on the surface).

Prostitutes become ‘poisoned’ once they know that plenty of men are willing to pay large amounts of money for sex. Now, it could be a positive thing, but sadly the modern sex industry is drowned in exploitation. My own experiences are blessed in comparison to the majority — most other escorts are doing this purely for money, and not deriving any pleasure. Thus, they become addicts, and the addiction dictates them. Now, for me, even though I can enjoy aspects, I still endure the pain of being condemned by wider society. It’s easy to assume that I, living in a ‘lavish’ lifestyle, feel content and complete. The reality is I often feel empty, lost and insignificant. It doesn’t help that I hide my emotional problems, and I portrayed myself as emotionally stable and confident. Once, I truly believed I was ‘normal’ too, but now I realize ‘normal’ women do not have the same experiences as I. In my own experience, I want to emphasize that having sex for money is not the problem, nor are clients the problem — rather, it’s the exploitative nature of state regulations and how that subsequently influences society to hate, degrade, silence and neglect prostitutes.

Another woman wrote her experience as being a high-class prostitute:For a great part of 1992 I lived in a beautiful apartment on Capitol Hill. I drove my expensive car. I bought lovely clothes and traveled extensively out of the country. For the first time in my 20 years as an adult woman, I paid my own way. There was no need to worry about affording my rent, my phone bill, all the debts one accumulates simply by living month to month. I felt invincible. And I was miserable to the core. I hated myself because I hated my life All the things I came to possess meant nothing. I could not face myself in the mirror. Working in prostitution lost my soul.Survivor interviewed by Debra Boyer, Lynn Chapman and Brent Marshall in Survival Sex in King County: Helping Women Out (1993), King County Women’s Advisory Board, Northwest Resource Associates, Seattle. (Taken from website: Here)

She depicts it well. ‘High-Class’ prostitutes are living a ‘lavish’ facade, but underneath there is a lot of pain (and if the pain isn’t shown, then it is likely being numbed). How can one explain that a woman, who essentially has ‘everything,’ can feel totally isolated and miserable?  But what is everything? These ideal values (materials, beauty, wealth, and power) promoted by Western societies are a big MYTH, a LIE (it’s BS!). I acquired all these things that society told me will make me happy and wholesome (and more acceptable), but it did the exact opposite. It made me more individualistic, which pushed me further from happiness. And worse, it made me neglect the simple treasures of life (love).

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

Sometimes, we learn when it’s too late..

With time comes change. My thoughts are constantly changing and evolving. Over one year ago, I broke off my engagement to my ex. I left on a selfish whim, because I was unsure of what I wanted. Last year, I blamed him for our problems. However I’ve realized that many of the issues that made me incapable of loving him was me. I denied love to him. He loved me with all of his heart, but I tore him apart with my insecurities. When I hated myself, I made sure that he felt just as unworthy, rejected and unwanted as I felt for myself. What an utterly selfish thing for me too.

When I met my fiance, I was not prepared to love another person. Back then I didn’t realize my inability to show love to others. I used escorting as means to support my addiction to money, but also to fuel my independence. Indeed, love is never without sacrifice. Back then, the money gave me an ego. By no means was I willing to give up my ego and my needs for another person. As a result, I neglected a man who loved me perhaps more than he loved himself. I took advantage of his devotion, affection and selfless nature.

My ex still believes that I never loved him. I don’t blame him. Judging from the ways I treated him he has every right to feel hurt and angst. The truth is, however, I loved him so much. He was my soulmate. The problem was that I didn’t know how to transform from escorting into a ‘normal’ relationship. I didn’t realize there would be implications of being in a ‘normal’ relationship when the previous years of my life were far from the ‘norm.’ Most of my life I was accustomed to getting what I want, so I acted very immaturely when it came time for me to compromise. My ex wasn’t demanding, however. He was patient and catered to everything I desired. He wanted a simple life for us, love and family. He went beyond his means to please me, yet his effort couldn’t sway my selfishness. Now, he tells me that I will never find a man who loved me as much as he did. I believe him, because I know it’s not possible. He entered my life for reason. Unfortunately, I hurt him and mistreated him, but had I not met him I would have never learnt from my mistakes.

The irony is that I yearned for love. Whenever I was depressed and feeling lonely, I longed for good people in my life. I longed for a partner who I could love and trust. Finally, when I met the ideal man, my ex, I contradicted myself: I denied love for him, and also myself. How ironic! I chose to cater to my addiction to money and materials (the shallow life). Only months later, I realized that being a prostitute I cannot runaway from love. Materialism means nothing without love, nothing. I am too emotional. I am too much in need of love. (even though I often have a problem expressing my love to others).

Prostitution is a very complex industry that cannot be measured in simple terms. We cannot just say it’s a business, because it is more complex as it involves human emotions and physical acts of ‘love.’ Some men seeks prostitutes for sexual fulfillment only, while other men are deeply lonely and are yearning to connect, love and share affection with a prostitute. As mentioned previously, I often attract clients who view me as a potential partner. It’s hard to see these men, because I feel I am cheating them. I feel guilty that I am denying them love and taking their money. In return they get my body, but what they seek is beyond sexual pleasure — these men need love. Again, my heart cries for these men, but I cannot love them all nor do I prefer them as my clients. And in my case as an escort, I attract romantic types, which isn’t always easy to handle. Now that I am in love, I would much prefer an ‘equal’ transaction ordeal, where a man pays me to ‘use’ my body without emotional attachment. Realistically, it doesn’t happen that way.

Instead, the only men I have loved, notably my ex and the Sheik, were my clients. I suppose they were the exception, because somehow the connection we had went beyond normal settings.

Lately, I do not work. I totally halted new clientele. I am in love, and ever so thankful for what I have. Yet of course, I am conflicted at times. At times I feel  I can sacrifice for the one of I love, but at other times I fear of losing myself and my independence. As mentioned before, I try to live in the moment, rather than look ahead. It’s not easy to live with this “live for now” perspective, but so far it’s all that I can do.

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Relationships

Puppet on a string…..

Studying so much about different theologies, scientific theories, and social sciences has often lead me to question my spirituality.

Sometimes I’m so convinced that there is no hope, but then I am confronted with experiences that remind me of the power of fate.

For instance, why can’t I enjoy things so easily (naively) like most people? Why are my ‘ups’ followed by ‘downs?’ Why do I feel stunning one week, and hideous the next? Why am I confident one day, and insecure the next? I swear, it’s His plan to keep me from getting too much of an ego. If I was happy and feeling beautiful all the time I would probably be more selfish. But instead, I am faced with emotional barriers always, preventing my ego from developing further. Why?

Am I meant to be someone who feels things? Pain hurts, but admittedly it does make me wiser to an extent. Depression is lonely, but it does allow me to reflect and empathize with my surroundings.

Aside from that, I have come to realize I am no longer 21. Although I am still considered young, I don’t feel it much anymore. I am now one quarter of a century years old. Never did I fathom that poor sleeping habits and stress would start to paint its picture on my face. My face has often been prized as my external best feature, in contest with my breasts. I rely on those assets to survive. Sure, some men like me for my personality also, but the initial attraction is the sparkle in my eyes (which is fading, due to stress). My age won’t be a barrier to the trade for years to come, as women in their 30’s can still make lots of money. But stress is a barrier, and it gets written all over my face. Back 5-6 months ago, my face was fresh and glowing..flushed with eagerness and desire (which is what clients want). But after months of letting men devour me like vultures I feel, metaphorically, like a corpse leftover now. Clients, though, are actually quite good, but it’s just not easy to work as an escort when feeling emotional in other aspects of life.

My regular clients want to see me, they are good clients. Yet I keep deterring appointments, because I’m not the same provider I was when they last saw me. I am reminded of the quote, “If you only walk in the sun you will never reach your destination..” Let me endure this storm, it shall pass.

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Filed under Dealing with Depression