Category Archives: Dating a Saudi Student – also my Client

A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

heart

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old proverb (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I didn’t appreciate his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if life is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together. I love him, but I cannot bare the idea that our love will never blossom into something truly symbolic: a family.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways. Our love is a classic example of how the cruel forces of politics and society are preventing us from establishing our basic desires.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

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Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Dealing with Depression, Memories, My Poetry and Others, Relationships, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Being in Love and Escorting at the Same Time – Can’t Have Both

Being with a man I love and being a successful escort at the same time only works in theory. In reality, one or the other will be strained. For me, my work becomes strained. I cut down clients, because it’s harder to ‘tune’ out my emotions when I’m in love. Alternatively, if I put more emphasis in escorting, then my relationship will be strained. I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Falling in love …it’s the worst thing for me as a sex worker. I become ‘stained.’ Stained, in a metaphorical way, in that my lover, the Sheik, has marked me (emotionally, physically, spiritually). The love consumes me at every moment. I only want to be with my love, nobody else. As a result, I am lazy when with other men (clients).

When I’m in love, it’s like I become chemically ‘marked’ by  his love… his scent never leaves my skin. It’s as if his scent stays with me to ward off other men and say, “This woman is off-limits.” His scent is there when I am with clients. I have withdrawals from this special ‘scent’ when it’s not with me. And the clients can detect it: they know my heart, mind and soul belong to another man.

I become a lazy, uninterested and mechanical service provider to my clients when I am in love. This is the second time it has happened to me. It happened when I was in love with my ex, and I could no longer see clients because the idea of letting other men touch me was unimaginable. And now, with the Sheik…the same is happening. I barely work, but occasionally I see the odd client or two (my Sheik, of course, has no knowledge of this). It’s extremely difficult to sit there with a man who I have NO attraction too…and lay in his arms and be pleasant, because all I am thinking of is how much I hate it.

Yet I need the money. The Sheik provides for me…but I need to stay in the business to meet other goals. I don’t want to become too dependent on the Sheik — no no no — I must not rely on his money, or his love. Dependency is a dangerous area, which I don’t want to be in. Yet I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes, I wish it was easy just to abandon this love. But it’s not easy

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Relationships, The Escorting Business, The Sheik

The Beginning of the End — But When?

It has now been over one year since we met.

The Sheik and I.

A few month ago, I tried a new angle to view our relationship: Live for today, because one cannot predict tomorrow. In other words, enjoy the moments now even though the future is undetermined. It sounded great in theory, but unfortunately reality kicks in.

I am starting to lose my mind. I have been suppressing all my emotions. Ensa al alam…we literally have forgotten the world, the realities of life in the recent months together. We are indeed happy and growing closer every day. As we get close, a part of me dies inside. Our growing love will equate to the growing hate that is to come.

Quarreling has began. I start it. I pour out all my emotions. Tears fall and our wet faces mash together in an emotional embrace. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to assert some power, but I have realized I am so weak. I tell him to leave….but he won’t leave me.

Our relationship has a shelf-life. There are a couple more years, and then it will expire. There is still a generous transaction that has existed the entire duration of our relation. I am grateful for it, but it sometimes feels insulting when money is used to compensate for a future. He knows I love him beyond my profession, yet I am still the courtesan. I used to think the monetary riches could compensate for the wholesome things he cannot give me (family, children, home), but no amount of money can save me from this pain. I could demand anything I want at this point, yet I don’t. What I want are not ‘things’..what I want is something beyond any material — I want our future.

And he loves ‘us’ now, because it’s convenient now. Yet ‘us’ in future tense can never be. Political barriers to our union, and cultural barriers. I could wait until the expiration date, and see how/if he fights against these barriers. But why should I hope when the odds are against us? Some say I should enjoy the moments now, but I crave the impossible. I crave a family’s blessings and family surroundings, and being surrounded by children. We are so deeply isolated in our love.

I watched a film recently. A French/Arabic film, titled “Rajah.” I cried immensely. The film depicts a hapless woman who is trying to leave her life as a prostitute. She wants to find ‘honest’ work, and she does. She yearns for ‘honest’ love too, and she gets that too. Only later, this ‘honest’ man turns out to be like the others — a man loving her while neglecting her of her dignity at the same time.

The Sheik loves me. I can end it, and suffer now. It is him who won’t stop the chase. Perhaps he knows my weakness, and he plays my addiction, or maybe not. When I threaten to bail, he panics. He can have any woman he wants, but he submits to all my desires and, ironically (being a Saudi male), he caters to me, the woman. He treats me with utmost importance, love, and respect. Is it a farce, or is it his helplessness?

My ex-fiance gave up his life to be with me, and I rejected him. He was eager to give me love, family, a home, and children. Now, I yearn for a future with a man who will never compromise his life for our love. I keep dreaming….a dream that has no destination.

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, The Sheik

They say ..”Love is Stronger than Pride..”

Scars always remain…just like the stain on my veil will never go away. In this sense, I will always be a prostitute. Inshallah one day I will stop and do something that truly makes me happy, but regardless….I will always have a unique perspective on life that I cannot share with most.

I mentioned in previous posts how I conform to social norms in public settings. This society is not kind to those who do not conform. To avoid out-casting myself, I conform when I must. Sometimes, I have to pretend to be “sweet and innocent”…..when inside I’m feeling depressed and bitter about life.

More than often I am in the company of a ‘normal’ women. When I say ‘normal’ I am referring to women who do not sell their bodies (and women who probably condemn the idea of prostitution). Of course, I am a master of disguise. I blend in well. I pretend to be like them, and share commonalities. But the truth is I am deeply damaged inside compared to these girls. My life experiences differ vastly. I enjoy meeting new people, but only for a short amount of time. If I cannot be myself and feel comfortable, I’d rather avoid the situation. I prefer to be in company of people who know the ‘real’ me now.

On a personal note. I am deeply in love. The best things in life happen when one does not expect it. It has now been one year since the Sheik and I met. I cannot leave him. He is the first to greet me in the mornings and the last one to kiss me goodnight. We may not have the chance to share our life together forever, but we share our moments together now. He loves me, and I love him …and that’s all that matters. Our love has progressed with every kiss. In the past posts, I was always complaining about our love, but now I feel like saying “Alhamdolillah”….because I must be thankful….he has been a great addition into my life.

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, The Sheik