A Prostitutes Origins: Broken in Pieces

Dear Readers, 

I don’t want to dampen your day. My blog speaks a lot on the topic of pain. I am not always a depressed person. I have learnt to be quite thankful and positive about life situations. However, pain is an inevitable part of life. When pain happens, I have no outlet to express myself in real life. I don’t like to talk about my sadness with others — so this blog is an outlet for myself. Even though I speak about dark things, please know that I have an optimistic perspective of life (and have optimism for those in a similar situation). Whatever happens in life is always for a purpose. Broken pieces can be put back together. And although scars remain, only scars produce the following beautiful, invaluable traits: character, substance, passion.

Broken-Vase-Symbolism

Almost all prostitute comes from a history of pain. It might have started in their childhood, teens or early adulthood. It might have been a neglectful or abusive parent(s) or exploitation and trauma from home or outsiders. A woman who is loved properly and is well protected is very unlikely to become a prostitute. The sex industry pulls women from downtrodden backgrounds.

I come from a dysfunctional, broken family. Never had a Father figure. At times, I was prey for predators. Being a child or teen without strong familial protection makes one ripe to many societal ills and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My siblings and I all had issues due to coming from our dysfunctional family — I became a prostitute, my brothers used to sell drugs and my sister developed an intolerable and spiteful character. We all coped in unhealthy ways also. Pain and trauma usually leads a child into two directions when they become an adult: they can become abusive/neglectful themselves (because that’s all know how to beand/or they resort to drugs, drinking, and other self-destructive habits to cope. One can only hope to heal by becoming introspective and developing empathy for oneself and others. Part of healing is unlearning the self-destructive coping mechanisms, unlearning the negativity, unlearning the pain that has shaped oneself. That’s where I find myself — unlearning, trying to understand, trying to heal.

One would never guess that I come from a broken family. I do very well at hiding everything. If need be, I can speak intellectually, dress well-to-do and behave eloquently and cheerful. My “normal” persona gives off the idea that I come from a decent family and that I went through life relatively unscathed — which is misleading. In reality, I come from a family that has experienced drive by shootings, addictions, domestic violence, criminal activity, suicides and certain family members serving prison sentences. And, of course, I added prostitution to our lovely family legacy. Having said that, I love my family deeply. My family also has many good aspects–and thankfully, certain family members have improved themselves and their situations. I am grateful for my background and family. My character and passion comes from the struggle — it wouldn’t have come from an easy life, unscathed.

Even when I feel strong and determined, pain still remains from all the brokenness. When I see my younger relatives with deep scars from cutting themselves on my their arms, I get sad. When I hear that a teenager has already lost hope for life, I want to die inside. What causes a young boy or girl to slit their wrists? My heart breaks knowing I cannot even reach out to give them hope and tell them I will give my life to make them happy. When I see a monster who abuses, exploits and harms innocent elders or young ones, I boil up with anger. I wish everyone was well prepared for the monsters in this world — who seek to harm, abuse, exploit the vulnerable. I cry to imagine any child having to go through the events I have seen, and I feel grief knowing that this trauma is still happening.

I have accepted there can’t be any consistent peace. My family is fragile, and I have to learn how to reconcile my own desire to have stability with a very unstable situation. Soon, it will be the 6 year anniversary of a loved ones suicide. I play her favorite songs, and cry thinking about her. I miss her so much. I just want to hug her. I just want to laugh with her. I get angry thinking about the generational trauma that inevitably caused her suicide — a Mother from a broken family who gave birth to children in a broken family, a Mother who was abused and then became abusive herself. An abused child who grew up, became exploited and got addicted to the drugs and alcohol they turned to at a young age to cope. I remember when the idea of suicide came to me in my early twenties. I made the realization I couldn’t do it, because I am deeply worried about the younger kin of my family. I thought, “If I have no hope, then what hope would they have?” I wanted to be strong for them. But sadly, history repeats itself in generational trauma — most don’t step back and learn from the generational trauma, they get consumed by it and become it.

All these feelings, I cannot share so easily. I sometimes feel isolated because my peers consist of normal individuals with relatively normal, decent families. I write on this blog as my outlet.

This is the life of a prostitute. My heart hurts today. I breath deeply to soothe myself. If a client comes, I cannot show my pain. When a friend has a celebration, I cannot show my pain. I put on my smile, and try not to think of the tragic things that have happened. I am sometimes amazed that I haven’t resort to drugs or other intoxicants to numb myself — I saw so much drug abuse in my family that I am terrified of alcohol and drugs.

That’s why love becomes so special to a person who comes from a background of trauma — this idea that we can relax our heart and let ourselves be vulnerable in a way that (hopefully) won’t hurt us. We crave the things that were denied to us: wholesome love, protection, trust and security. But when love has hurt you from it’s origins (starting from the family), then love is something to be feared.

Be kind to prostitutes…

The reason that many prostitutes take drugs or drink is because their pain/trauma is so unbearable that they want to feel numb. Most prostitutes have post-traumatic-stress-disorder to varying degrees.

When I see the hatred that society and specific people have towards prostitutes, I feel sad to know there is such a lack of understanding and empathy. I feel sad to realize how quick people are to condemn women who resorted to a career that only pulls in women who have no proper protection or care from family.

*************

PS. This post is less concerning me, but rather expressing the pain I feel for others….

 

Please pray for those who have lost hope, to those who have no protectors, to those who are suffering silently…..my heart cries for you. 

 

9 Comments

Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

9 responses to “A Prostitutes Origins: Broken in Pieces

  1. MM

    Just wanted to say I relate to this very much. I too lived through abuse and neglect in my home. Most relevantly, I was scapegoated, in an unhealthy and toxic family. Suffice to say that in light of my experiences, it makes a strange sense that I would end up here. It is Not everyone, who is prepared for such an isolating, and shamed, way of life as sex work holds. But our home life grooms us for what is to come.

    One thing I hear often is outsiders suggesting that the reason a sexworkers’s family and friends isolate, punish, and hate her, is because she chose this profession. And it certainly would seem that way to an outsider, wouldn’t it. However, it is the exact opposite, in majority of cases. We are here, because we were “groomed” for the role of shamed societal scapegoat, outsider, early on in life by abuse, neglect, isolation, shame, and lack of care that came along with it.

    The interesting thing is that, for many years, I denied what had happened to me early on. I too, seemed like a person who came from a good background and, as such, was treated by all who met me. I liked it that way; I wanted to separate, emotionally and physically, from what had been my early experience, and just live as though I was like everyone else. Therefore, I didn’t discuss anything that happened with anyone outside my family, and didn’t actually even understand, or even reflect on, any of it. I was in denial, and confusion, of a lot of what had happened in our home. My original family certainly was in denial and didn’t discuss it.

    For the longest time, it seemed, even to me, that I had “chosen” sex work. But actually, what I chose was “the lesser of many evils”; i.e., a place where I could function and feel a strange sense of comfort, and boundaries, with other people, a sort of guarantee that I would be cared for; these are the things sex work seems to promise to those of us who have not been properly loved, as you put it so accurately.

    I always love to read your blog, and appreciate your thoughts.

  2. Ralph

    Thank you for sharing that beautiful email. The young woman that I see has never told me how she came to get in the escort business. But I’m sure there was something very painful in her childhood. Sincerely, Ralph

  3. blovely

    I’m actually quite offended by this particular blog. It was disappointing. While I can appreciate your difficult upbringing and painful experiences, that is not the case for every sex worker. There are a lot of stereotypes in what you wrote here. I appreciate these are your thoughts and feelings but please don’t lump us all into one category. I’m actually a really healthy person who happens to provided a service where I bring companionship and hopefully pleasure to other people’s lives. I work with a lot of providers who come from positive backgrounds. Some of your opinions in this piece perpetuates the stereotype many people already have about sex workers and it’s not helpful. I was going to follow your blog but I don’t think it’s conducive to our profession. As I said previously I’m sorry for you painful past and I wish you nothing but health and happiness. Please be mindful moving forward how you categorize us. Every person is different and comes from different experiences. I have gone through pain but it doesn’t mean it is the driving force behind why I do what I do. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck.

    • escortdiary

      @blovely,

      I’m actually quite offended by this particular blog. It was disappointing. While I can appreciate your difficult upbringing and painful experiences, that is not the case for every sex worker.

      Thank you for your honesty. There are indeed grey areas. I am usually careful in my wording to say things like “Almost all” or “The Majority” of prostitutes experience X, Y, or Z. I stand by my statement of saying that almost all prostitutes have experienced trauma, exploitation or neglect (to varying degrees). I am not advocating that we are all victims or a “woe is me” narrative — no. I am not saying that pain is a barrier to evolving as a person either. I am just shedding light into factors that contribute to why women enter sex work (and of course, there is grey areas). I have worked with numerous girls in different parts of the world and in a variety of contexts to conclude this observation. This observation is also academically documented in numerous publications. I considered myself one of the “happy hookers” because I can enjoy my experiences with clients. But I would NEVER be foolish to say that the majority of women who prostitute themselves come from easy upbringings or aren’t facing further trauma

      There are a lot of stereotypes in what you wrote here. (…) Some of your opinions in this piece perpetuates the stereotype many people already have about sex workers and it’s not helpful

      Aren’t the stereotypes of prostitutes are that we have no soul or that we are all vulgar with no morals? Where have I stated that?

      I’m actually a really healthy person who happens to provided a service where I bring companionship and hopefully pleasure to other people’s lives

      I am also the same — I never said that pain means one will automatically become dysfunctional themselves or has to hate their job as a prostitute?

      I work with a lot of providers who come from positive backgrounds.

      I am curious to know in what circumstances you work in? I do know there are sex positive sex workers in certain settings — for instance, there are some providers who see themselves as healers and associate with other providers who see sex work as healing (which is great). I even consider myself sex positive too in the sense I make a positive experience out of seeing clients. Sex work is sometimes a forming of coping/relaxation for me. However, I am very mindful that my experience is VERY VERY rare, which is why I would never wish sex work upon anyone because I have observed it’s harmful for most women.

      I was going to follow your blog but I don’t think it’s conducive to our profession. As I said previously I’m sorry for you painful past and I wish you nothing but health and happiness. Please be mindful moving forward how you categorize us. Every person is different and comes from different experiences.

      That’s fine by me. My blog is to give a voice to women who’s voices are often marginalized. I don’t speak for everyone, so I welcome different opinions and different experiences. Of course we all have unique experiences and personalities (which is something I also often state on my blog — we are not all the same).

      I have gone through pain but it doesn’t mean it is the driving force behind why I do what I do

      Indeed, that is likely true for you. Up until recent years, I used to think money for the only reason I got into sex work, but then I realized how many life circumstances essentially groomed and pushed me towards it. To each their own.

      Anyway, thank you kindly for sharing. I do welcome comments that challenge my views as it helps me learn and grow.

      Well wishes to you,

      Sahar

      • Blovely

        Thank you Sahar for taking the time to respond. You were forthcoming, insightful and honest which I always appreciate. There is great value I am sure, in your sharing your experiences here. Although we may come from different (but maybe not so different) circumstances, I believe there is some truth to what you wrote. I also believe there are varying degrees to what each sex worker has experienced in their life and how it affects the work we do. What I do support is this blog seems to be an outlet for you to work through some of your painful experiences while educating those who might not have a grasp on what we go through as sex workers. For this…I thank you.

        Best Wishes,
        B.

  4. Candice

    “But when love has hurt you from it’s origins (starting from the family), then love is something to be feared.”

    Well-written Sahar. Thank you so much for putting everything in words. I identify myself with you in so many ways. Came from a broken family myself and I fully comprehend where you are coming from.

    Love & light always,
    Candice

    • escortdiary

      @Candice,

      Thank you for your kind words. I wish you health, peace and healing dear.

      With love
      Sahar

      • Candice

        Thank you Sahar. I would like to believe that I am healing well 🙂. Similar to you, I am a pretty optimistic person, it’s just that the pain gets to you once in awhile. However, I must admit a part of me feels empty/dead inside and I no longer find purpose in going down the traditional paths of love, marriage, childbirth and starting up a family so to speak. It is not a good feeling but I can’t help it. I am back to escorting purely for monetary reasons but I am hoping that my newfound job will make me enough so that I can leave the industry for good. The fear of being recognised and called out in the corporate world is real and I don’t think I can handle the consequences at all. Building my career is my sole driving force at the moment.

        All I want right now is to attain financial stability and to do some good for the less fortunate/voiceless in the world. Like you, my heart bleeds for the innocent who have to bear the cruelty and ugliness of the world.

        Love,
        Candice

  5. C Alan

    There appears to be a lot of truth in what you say. There are two ladies that I see, one of whom fell pregnant as a teen and (had to?) get married, leave school with limited literacy, and had multiple children thereafter. From what she tells me there was little love in her relationship. I feel that although she is a very nice person, she has an emotional wall around her. She likes the sex, but maybe not the emotional intimacy.
    The other lady I see tells me that she is a reformed alcoholic and drug user. I have no reason not to believe her. She is a very warm personality and I really enjoy her company. However, outside our sexual activities, I have invited her to a meal and even a show, but she has declined, despite my urging her otherwise. Her work she keeps separate from her “outside” life, and I respect that despite being disappointed.

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