Prostitution & Emotional Destruction


A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.


Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself



I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.


Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian


Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

8 responses to “Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

  1. sweetheart why did u remove ur latest post? i was so happy u posted something new, and i found that post to be super insightful and useful! anyway hope all is well with you

  2. Woodbine

    Returning to Sahar’s Post guessing at Joy/Confusion of connection after following further Candice and Sahar’s dialogue

    It is often said that the good will of a contract is as good as its enforceability, the same goes for international treaties. Where there is an imbalance of power only the morality of the (very human) parties will govern compliance. If there is a balance of power only the irrational and depraved would evade the contract. All too often we see noncompliance big and small because as a lack of morality or wanton depravity. At first glance it’s not surprising as people act in there own self interest (contracts define those self-interests). Ideally contracts balance self interests so that no parties’ self interest is pursued at the expense of community or others as in Candice’s where self interest became violent and harmful to her and community.

    The question therefore; is how to craft a contract so that every party meets their needs without doing so at the expense of the others’? Contracts and treaties are attempts to agree to do that. First what a contract calls for must be doable. Further a contract’s success is contingent on ensuring the parties’ needs are met without harming others. Candice’s agreement did this. But there is a further calculation of enforceability (power balance) and the morality vs. depravity of the parties. She allowed for an imbalance of power to develop by wrongly calculating the morality of her contractee. With no collateral a balance of power developed and there was not sufficient morality on the contractee’s behalf to make good.

    Let us make no mistake the reality of Candice and Sahar’s stories above are about customers breaking contracts. The stories are about the facts of these acts commonly called cheating, theft or rape. There is a second discourse; it’s about the meaning of the stories speaker wants known. The meaning is; what are a person’s values, needs, truths and how are these affected by the acts (facts) in the story. So there is the story and then there is the meaning of the story. These are very separate, yet intertwined, sometimes indistinguishable form each other.

    As readers it’s likely we are hearing both Candice and Sahar meaning as a violations of their values, truths and needs manifest as lost connection within; between them and contractees (clients) and as community. For example Candice said, “I wanted to cry from shame and anger so badly but I have been controlling it so far, trying my best to compartmentalize….”, “Duping a prostitute by getting sex and not paying…”, and the effects on entire community to have such theft “These are the same type of soulless [people] who also dupe innocent [partners] (non sex-workers included) into sex by promising them love/marriage, but discard them….” (Note I made last statement gender neutral as transgression is a human trait not gender based).

    I am guessing Candice and Sahar want us to know they are in morning – saddened that connection within and to themselves was disrupted by violation of their values. Often these requests to us for understanding fall into the category of gossip, trying to rhetorically bring an audience to ones’ defense with statements like this, “It is absolutely sickening to imagine that there exists men (who appear totally normal and charming) who sexually violate woman through manipulation.” It is not clear if as we readers are being asked to enter a paradigm of victimhood where by prostitutes degrade and stigmatize themselves as being lest than equally human. On the other hand this statement could be a warring “a request” to community not to allow the moral depravity that accompanies contract breaking. The corruption of connection (breaking trust) within people between people and as community is not unique to sex workers, men, or women it is something we all benefit from making less likely throughout community.

    What we hear in this dialogue between Candice and Sahar the empathy they granted themselves and extended to each other to work through 1) their unmet needs revealed to them by the acts done to them and 2) the emotions these unmet needs evoked. They are heard by each other and community. They have also worked out how to make this harm less likely to happen in the future. It’s part of the human trait of being restorative. Making known what happened to them how they are and how it impacts them, the actor and community. In doing so they make it less likely the crime will reoccur. Yet there are two other important parties.

    First actor the person that did the deed, cheated, stole, or raped remains nameless. And second implicit in Candice and Sahar’s dialogue is the realization that everyone in community did something before during or after the theft that made it possible and more likely to reoccur. Also it is possible to hear an implicit request by them for each member of community to take responsibility for our actions that increased the chances of corruption theft within society. Followed by a request that what we do in the future to makes such acts of social voidance les likely. All social interactions and commerce have the same inherent risks so enforcing good relations is universally beneficial.

    As any business person knows when they serve the general pubic there are wonderful folks and there are people like the ones described by Candice. As Candice points out business people do themselves harm by doing business with contract breakers without having a balance of power. But is not just her problem as business person it is all of ours. We all bear responsibility for corruption and are benefit from making it less likely in community.

    While this dialogue is interesting it does not seem to explore Sahar’s post which seems to be about the sadness of dealing with the humanity of connection with others in friendship, work, play and family. Candice brought up an entirely different subject of how business people deal with cheats, thieves, and rapists. Candice fully recognizes this distinction too and asks to return to concentrating on Sahar’s inquiry. Sex workers like no one else see the great verity of well meaning people’s ability to connect – connection that transcends contracts.

    Sahar’s original post speaks of the confusing nature, a resolute sadness about connection; family, friendship, colleague, client, connective/sealed-off relationships, sexual, causal or formal (businessperson & client); versus bonding attachment what I’m guessing Sahar is calling love.

  3. simi69

    Dear sahar
    Hope you are doing fine.Great Writing of True feelings.With the True Soul that you have God is always by you so dont worry much and take care

  4. Candice

    Dear Sahar,

    Thank you for taking time out to reply to my comment. I really appreciate it as your words have provided me with immense comfort. NO MONEY NO HONEY from now on. I’ve learnt the lesson the hard way. I am feeling so much better after reading your comment. So, thank you ❤

    I do hold a proper job right now but I wanted to make more money to attain my financial goals. And to add on, I am currently single with a pretty high sex drive, hence escorting seems most ideal for me now as it seems like a win-win situation where I get my cash and my needs satisfied.

    One thing Sahar, I understand from your previous posts that you are in this for the money and the fact that you do enjoy the work.. but I realised your blog posts are getting increasingly depressing and it makes me wonder if the work is getting to you? If you no longer enjoy what you do, why don't you search for other opportunities? I believe you are already comfortable enough financially and you have so much talent. You are beautiful and I hope you will always remember that.

    Sending hugs and kisses your way,
    Asian escort

  5. Candice

    Dear Sahar,

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and you have a kind, beautiful soul despite your circumstances. I can only hope my fate will turn out ideal like yours.

    I have just gotten into this line of work a month ago -out of curiousity and of course, due to the quick money I’m able to summon.

    Yesterday, I trusted a client to pay after the session ended and he ended up disappearing on me, claiming that he had to go to the cash machine first. And me, being too trusting and naive, heeded his words to wait for him at the hotel lobby. After half an hour of waiting, I realised he wasn’t ever coming back and I had just given my body for free to a disgusting and despicable man for a whole two hours. I wanted to cry from shame and anger so badly but I have been controlling it so far, trying my best to compartmentalise this and seeing it as an experience (albeit a very harsh one) to grow up.

    I am trying my best to see through it but knowing that man has probably gotten away with a smirk makes me all the more sick from nausea. This experience makes me wonder if I had made the wrong choice.

    I graduated from a prestigious university in my country, attend my dance classes religiously, and donate frequently to animal shelters. I would say my heart is kind and I’ve had clients telling me to get out from this industry asap as I’m ‘too good’ to be here. I think what they meant was they would never expect to see a person like me selling my body to men. The lure of money is indeed too huge to resist..

    The last incident has made me pretty depressed. A huge part of me wants to seek justice by threatening the client to pay up or he’d risk being exposed on the internet. But deep down I know it’s largely futile. I cannot believe I had being exploited just like that.

    Please enlighten me Sahar. I have no one else to turn and it’s driving me crazy.

    Much love to you,
    Asian escort

    • escortdiary

      Hi Candice,

      Thank you for sharing that. I am very sorry for what has happened to you. It is a sad reality that this kind of thing happens all the time to sex workers. I wrote a post speaking about how people’s true colors are revealed based on how they treat the vulnerable behind closed doors (outside the view of society). Sometimes, ‘good’ behaving people in public can be absolute soulless monsters when they are in private.

      It is incidents like what you described that makes my blood boil! It has happened to me also once in a distant pass, and has happened to almost every escort I knew. It is absolutely sickening to imagine that there exists men (who appear totally normal and charming) who sexually violate woman through manipulation. Duping a prostitute by getting sex and not paying is essentially rape (the woman ONLY consented for the purpose of getting money). These are the same type of soulless men who also dupe innocent women (non sex-workers included) into sex by promising them love/marriage, but discard them right after they sleep with them. Absolute cowards and demons. The saddest part is prostitutes usually cannot do anything, because going to the police means ‘outing’ their identity (which none of us want to do). If you have any information of his, perhaps report him to the police anonymously or a local sex worker support center?

      When the same thing happened to me, many many years back, I was also new to the industry. I was warned beforehand that this sort of thing does happens, and was told “Always get the money first.” My first work place was a high-end brothel. Us escort girls had to collect the money ourselves from clients — we only accepted cash. If the client had a credit card, he could pay us after the session by visiting the ATM machine nearby. This was very common. We were instructed to ALWAYS take collateral from the client before letting them go to the ATM (because it had happened many times that a client would simply not return to pay the girl). Anyway, it ended up happening once that the client never paid after the appointment. A client came in, had his way with me, and then said he will run to the ATM (being new and naive, I didn’t ask for any collateral like his ID or wallet) — he never came back. I was pissed and felt extremely cheated. It was hard lesson for me to realize what I had already been told by all the other girls, “You must always take collateral” or “Get the money first.” Thankfully, it never happened again. Bare in mind, the majority of clientele would never dupe/exploit girls in this way — most are honest. If you are working independently, be very careful of whom you meet — make sure they are decent before you agree to meet them (via email, phone, referrals).

      Lastly: Please do not take it personally dear. It is not your fault. Nothing about you nor nothing you did could have prevented the exploitation of a sick, evil person. You have every right to feel used, violated and traumatized from this. Now, I am certain, you will be more strict with clients because of this incident. Not all clients are soulless like this evil man who essentially sexually exploited you, but do not be trusting of someone you do not know. I hope you get out of this line of work, so please make a realistic plan of what you can do career wise besides the sex trade. You said you are educated, so again, please make a realistic goal of exiting this industry — there is no long term benefit and the money is not worth the emotional implications.

      Best wishes,


  6. Woodbine

    The Goodness of yourself Sahar, is Real

    Dear Sahar,

    There have been moments in some of your posts where I am guessing want your listeners to know how important support and stability of receiving/giving empathy is to you. Am I am hearing that missing fulfillment of these needs from your father, a semi-present attachment figure causes you great anguish? I ask that because you often speak about love and being in love. I’m thinking how difficult it might be for you to have your father who is absent then shows up professing love but has been unable by lack of presences to be a reliable support figure.

    In your father’s statement “I love you immensely.” I also hear a request for wanting to meet his needs for to know and be known to understand and be understood – support and stability of empathy. Was his statement also a request to repair? Was there hope that things could be different in the future? When we ourselves are in pain it is difficult to comprehend that others may be in pain too while tiring to be heard and understood by speaking the best way the can at that point in time. Often as you point out either their words are not heard they way they want them to be known or their actions or circumstances cause their intensions not to be understood.

    By this perhaps you are saying you have a need to trust to reach for someone and find them there for you. While it would have been nice for your father and mother to pay for university, what we as humans need is for someone will be there when we call. Support transcends religion and ‘cultural change’ because support is what bonds humanity together and allows us to prosper. Yes, key attachment figures are at birth father and mother – then a partner, attachment friends are substitutes.

    Part of getting older is learning it is not “what has been” but “what can be” that makes life all the more interesting to worth striving for. Give yourself, the self empathy to reach for structuring your life with friends who are dependable to be there for you when you need support; and grant them empathy and yourself self empathy so you can be there from them when they call on you as well. Be kind to yourself, perfection is allusive, the goodness of yourself Sahar, is real.

  7. A

    I am humbled by your honesty. You can find the light it’s never too late. Reach out and I will send you some reading and food for thought.


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