Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes

Broken-wings.jpg

A wife calls me. She discovered her husband has been cheating, with me, and others perhaps. Over the years, I have had to speak with a few other wives/girlfriends of clients. Strangely enough, each of these women share a similar patience towards me, the escort. They do not abuse me over the phone as one would expect. I often hear, “I know it’s your job, and I know you are probably doing it just for money, so I am not upset with you.”

The most heart-breaking part of speaking to the wife of a former client is when I hear the cries of small children in the background of the phone call. Coincidently, the last three wives who contacted me all said at one point, “Can you hold on for a moment?” while they attended to a crying baby or toddler. I hear small children making noise for their Mothers’ attention, while their Mother is emotionally destroyed from discovering her husbands infidelity. It is such a tragic scenario.

Up until recently, I usually was brief if a client’s wife or girlfriend called me. I denied knowing or associating with their husband, and said “This is my job. I see married men all the time and I do not ask about their personal lives. Sorry but there is nothing else I can say.”

But recently, I could not remain stoic with a sad wife who called me. I felt terrible for the woman on the other end of the line. She had just given birth, only to discover her husband’s thirst for other women. I wanted to cry with her for the deception that has ruined her world. What makes everything all the more confusing for these wives is that often their husbands are sweet men –some of my married clients are some of the most kindest, generous and loving type of men. But if someone can risk ruining another persons well-being to benefit themselves, are they really that great? How can someone casually cheat someone they supposedly love? Not all marriage scenarios are the same, however. Indeed, there are many cases I have observed where the husband cheats because he is purely selfish, apathetic and has no sense of appreciating what he has (a.k.a  he’s stuck in the deceptive ‘grass is greener’ fantasy). And then there are other cases where couples have little-to-no sex life at all, nor any sexual chemistry — and then the husband goes to escorts due to sexual deprivation. The reasons are complex, indeed — and moreover, it doesn’t help when one lives in a society that indirectly promotes cheating others for self-gain.

Things Are Not What They Seem: Picture-Perfect Deception?

The irony I have discovered is the fact that many married clients have very beautiful wives. Yes, beautiful women are cheated on commonly. It is only ironic because many people mistakenly believe that being ‘beautiful’ is enough to keep their partner sexually satisfied — women commonly make this wrong assumption. Genuine sexual bonding has very little to do with physical looks — sadly, many people do not realize this. We live in a world where people are lead to believe that sexual chemistry is found in those who appear sexy — appearing ‘sexual’ outwardly has no correlation to being internally sexualit is internal qualities that contributes to the sexual energy transfer between two bodies (a.k.a. chemistry).

Some regular clients show me pictures of their families and their wives. Some even show me their social media, where they have photos of their families. Ironically, many of my married clients have ‘picture perfect’ families. Recently, I googled one of my clients to check if he was using a real name or not. Incidentally, I ended up on the social media of this client’s fiancee. Her entire social media portrayed the picture-perfect life, complete with endless cute photos of her and her hubby-to-be. Sadly, little does she know that her future husband had traveled to another country to meet an escort, me. I imagine that outsiders may look at her life, or others like her, and wish they had what she portrays …..but little do outsiders know that her ‘picture perfect’ relationship consists of a husband who acts on his desires for other women. This only reiterates the realization of how much deception exists in life, especially in a time where people are obsessed with misleadingly showcasing themselves and their ‘lifestyles.’ Outsiders, generally, assume the same for high-class escorts — they assume escorts are satisfied for getting paid to have sex in comfortable settings — they don’t see what happens behind the scenes. I cannot count how many people I’ve met who are depressed because they feel their lives are not measuring up to the ‘perfect’ and ‘glamorous’ lives of people they see in real life or on social media. For such people, I always try to emphasize as much as I can, “Believe me, things are not what they appear to be.”

The Question of “Why Did They Cheat?”

The other day, I decided to share some of these thoughts with a regular married client of mine. I told him about the most recent cases of wives calling me. I have known this client for nearly 6 years now, so I was comfortable to discuss the sensitive subject of “cheating” with him (after all, he is married). We then got into a discussion of “Why?” I asked him, “Why do you come to see me?” Just as he has told me before, he said that him and his wife almost never have sex. Though, since we’ve been meeting over the last 6 years, he did have a baby with his wife between this time. His wife only allowed sex for the purpose of baby-making. I then asked, “What if you and your wife started having sex more often, would you still need to see other women?” He then explained that if he got sex from his wife, he would have no incentive to find it elsewhere. He also added, “But since I met you, it would be difficult to stop seeing you now.” And me, being myself, said, “I hope one day you won’t have to see me anymore.” I then asked about his wife and her sexuality — like many others, she shared the trait of being physically beautiful, yet lacking any desire for sex. What is one to do in this case? There is no simple answer. 

The purpose of writing this post was to share sympathy for wives of cheating husbands. Thank you for understanding that I and other escorts are doing this for money/survival. To married clients, please think twice about how much you are potentially hurting someone — be honest, be real.

If you are the spouse of cheating partner, what was your experience? If you are married man who see’s escorts, how do you justify it?

47 Comments

Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Marriage, Relationships

47 responses to “Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes

  1. I started seeing escorts after five years of no sex. My wife became ill and cannot enjoy sex any longer. I was faithful for more than four years. But as every birthday passed I regretted not being able to once again feel the warmth of a woman. I discovered it was more about the touching, the caressing, the closeness that I missed than the actual sex. I’ve been seeing escorts and massage/body rub girls for the past six months. It’s complicated. I don’t feel good about cheating and lying but I don’t feel guilty either.

  2. Thomas

    Interesting question!

    I’ve found that there are three things I get from “the hobby.” Sex, intimacy, and feelings of love. To me, seeing a woman once to experience that body type, is really no different than getting a massage, or going to a topless bar, looking at a playboy magazine. It’s just enjoying something beautiful for an hour or two. Asking if I would cheat if my wife was more sexually adventurous is like asking if I would visit another restaurant if the food in my favorite restaurant was always really good. it’s an aesthetic thing when it comes to sex. Your favorite painting is not always enough. Sometimes you want to compare and contrast–not judgementally, but simply for aesthetic contrast.

    Intimacy is the emotional equivalent of the physical exploration I’ve just mentioned. Exploring a woman’s personality is an aesthetic experience. It’s like asking why I have multiple friends when I have one best friend. It is enriching to experience many personalities in intimate settings. It’s exquisite!

    Escorts sometimes think that whether I see them again or not is a reflection on their performance. It’s not! I see an escort again to complete the arch of a story. There is sometimes an experience that cannot be completed in one session.

    But these types of story archs are dangerous because it is how one falls in love. Emotional dependence takes over from the original aesthetic impulse. It’s important to cut things off before love develops. Falling in love is where cheating starts–in my mind. If it were not possible to fall in love, most people are not going to feel cheated on. It’s the reason that these women are not angry with you. They dont feel. Betrayed by you. They don’t feel that you are interested in breaking up her marriage. They are bothered by the idea that their husband may fall in love. It’s the reason that a spouse doesn’t care if you think a movie star is really hot, but would completely fly off the handle if you said the exact same thing about the woman next door.

    Those are my immediate thoughts. I’m not sue if they would stand up to you poking holes in how consistently I would defend this view. Basically, I trust myself to cut things off before they go too far. But I have certainly had feelings of intense love for an escort that I wondered if I would be able to cut off–particularly if she reciprocated. Thats when I feel guilty–when I start enjoying playing with fire. But for sex and intimacy (particularly once), I don’t feel a twinge of guilt.

    • Rolling Tin Fist

      Perfect Thomas!!! Nothing else to add here. Looks like you were in my head or something. You are 💯 percent on point, and so I’m going to +1 this.

    • Dean

      Thomas, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t bother you to find another man’s cock inside your wife, as long as her heart is still with you!

      • Thomas

        Now I did add the disclaimer that my argument might not stand up to scrutiny. But, as a guy that has experienced jealousy (in other words, I’m not a free love swinger type) let me think about that. And I hope I come across as expressing how I react to that emotionally and don’t come across as too insensitive or overly sexist in my reaction. I certainly didn’t mean to compare women to food at a restaurant–its an analogy that is not intended to imply equivalence. I have great respect for women in general and for every provider I have ever seen. I am not a mysogenist and wish every woman I have ever been with peace, prosperity, and abiding happiness.

        To some degree anatomy matters. If I found out that my wife was strapping on a rubber dildo every few weeks and letting a guy suck on it or even enjoying some Greek adventures as the penetrator–and she never saw or communicated with the guy again, and he had no idea how to ever contact her again… I don’t think that I would be all that bent out of shape. I might squint one eye and give her a WTF look. And I’d probably be mad at her for lying about where she was. I’d probably tell her not to do it again if she asked if I mind. But I don’t think it would bother me much.

        So, as long as I’m wearinna condom, I don’t see much difference.

        But, to answer your question, yes, if I found another guy fucking my wife–and there was a gun lying around–I sure hope I would walk outside and take a few deep breaths. And I’d probably divorce her.

        I know. That sexist. And I’m not really trying to justify myself to others. I’m just sharing how I think about it and justify it to myself. I acknowledge that there are inconsistencies in my actions and analogy. But I also said that I usually trust myself to handle any unexpected emotions and that I could understand if my wife Washington insecure, angry, hurt, and jealous. And if there was a gun lying around, I’d jump out the window and run. She and the provider could spend the rest of the afternoon calmly comparing notes–as it seems, based on this article, experience indicates would happen.

        Or to put it another way, this is not something I justify to myself. I just want to look through ads sometimes. Often, that’s all I do. Sometimes, I see an ad–and it usually isn’t the perfect 10; it’s something about the provides personality or character or profile that catches my eye–and I just can’t stop thinking about it until I’m at the hotel cleaning up.

        And thanks Rolling Tin Fist. Sometimes I wonder if I’m like most guys or an outlier.

      • escortdiary

        “A man goes to a sheikh and says,”Oh sheikh, I’ve been married for year and I have kids but in the past few years I’ve noticed I’m not attracted to my wife any longer.” The sheikh starts to ask him why? Has she changed her appearance? Man: No, she looks the same. Sheikh: Did she get into an accident, did something deform her image? Man: No, she looks the same. So the sheikh asks “Do you have a hard time lowering your gaze when women walk past you? Do you have issues with pornography?” Man: Yeah, how did you know about that? Sheikh: “When you indulge in Haraam, when you fall in love with the Haraam, when you eat, sleep, and breathe in the Haraam, then the Halal becomes disgusting to you.”

        “Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children – like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.” Surah Al-Hadid 57:20

      • Thomas

        Surah Al-Hadid 57:20, particularly the last paragraph, is intoxicating. It is not morally relativistic. It identifies right and wrong and consequences, and yet understands and even celebrates our transgressions.

        It reflects the idea of original sin, that we are born into sin and have no choice in the matter. I have free will. I can choose to walk away from an encounter. And I have done so. But there is something in my character that will not change and is going to need encounters with women. It is like breathing. I can choose not to breath. I will either pass out and involuntarily breath or I will die. I may not die at once. But there is a part of me that dies without these experiences. Experiences with a true courtesan bring me to life in ways that I have completely forgotten existed until I experience them again. And when faced with the choice of breathing or dying, I take a deep breath–even if doing so will hurt another person.

        While there is truth in it in some contexts, I’m not sure that I agree with the first part of that Surah. I actually find myself loving my wife more after these encounters or story archs. Sometimes I resent my wife for certain restrictions that have arisen. After an encounter, that resentment is gone and I feel love and understanding for some of the things that I resented about her. After story archs are completed, I often feel truly grateful for the stability and love of my family. I feel remorse for having considered giving all that up for something that would almost inevitably be just as restrictive and disappointing and probably less rewarding.

        I accept that I may be punished for my transgressions right here on earth someday. I accept that what I experience with escorts is illusion and that the visions of breathtaking beauty will pass. I accept that I have, of my own freewill, chosen to engage in the activities that I do, that I am doing something that I would not want done to me, and that my character can be controlled, but not changed.

        In the end, I think that my experiences with escorts have brought me equal amounts of happiness and sorrow–as has my marriage. It is in my nature, however, to choose experience over non-experience. Regardless of the temporary illusions of happiness and sorrow I experience with escorts, the experiences are fulfilling. And the fulfillment is not an illusion. It was genuinely experienced and remembered and integrated into a repository of wisdom (however empty that repository of wisdom may be at this time). There is eternity to be dead. There is the briefest moment in the history of the universe for us to experience happiness, sorrow, celebration, and regret, and love for those that we encounter. I’d rather experience too much than too little.

        As a side note, there is a wisdom and understanding possessed by some courtesans (at least the ones that I want to see again, those that are co-actors in story arcs) that is not present with other women. To be in their presence is like being in the presence of the divine. Nothing compares to that level of intimacy and love, that acceptance your true self (however temporary it may be) that, by the very nature of social convention, including marriage, cannot be expressed or felt other than with a courtesan.

        The hobby can be a form of gnana yoga. I see people on this blog that use escort experiences in this way–including the author of this blog. They experience fully, but are dedicated to the Buddhist wisdom of cultivating non-attachment –and the Hindu wisdom articulated in the Bhagavad Gita, of taking action that purifies society and the soul, regardless of the consequences.

      • I appreciate what you said about the jnana yoga of being with some courtesans. I experience my sensual massage sessions as deep spiritual transmissions. The problem with society scandalizing sex work is that it becomes difficult to speak about this kind of knowledge and skill. People want to disrespect

      • Thomas

        Pua Nani, I’m glad to run across someone else in this forum who speaks the language of eastern paths. I know that there are those who disrespect courtesans. I would suggest, however, that the secrecy be considered the secrecy that a priest maintains for those who confess to him. To speak about these things openly to everyone is not something that is necessary. And this is what I value so much about Sahar’s blog. It is a place to reflect on the intense personal experiences of sex, love, and knowledge gained from courtesans–and with others who understand the intensity of the experiences as well as the spiritual dimension of these experiences.

  3. Akbar Khan

    Out rightly I can only express my disappointment.
    Those who equate it to enjoying food from several restaurants or aesthetic exploration must also allow and expect their wives to fuck several men by the same justification.

  4. Y. F.

    The reason is simple. The lack of love and sexual chemistry. What a man wouldn’t expect when he starts seeing an escort is that he could fall in love with her and that’s exactly what happened to me, and I was even ready to leave the world for her, but unfortunately she never had the same feelings for me and she always looked at me as a selfish married client who pays her for his pleasure. Was it wrong to start seeing her from the begining? Was it wrong to fall in love with her, thought it wasn’t really something I could control? I honestly don’t have answers……….

    • I didn’t fall in love with an escort girl, but I did find myself infatuated with her. I still am. I obsess about her all the time. You’re right about not being able to control these feelings. I have no answers either. Now I wish I would never have met her. Other escort women haven’t had the same effect on me. Just this one. It sucks.

      • HugsNKisses

        Isn’t it funny? I for one am looking to be infatuated and an escort that enjoys seeing me as much I do. I tried several high-class escorts and met wonderful people. So far my experience has been that I like the company the sex – which didn’t happen always – has not been fulfilling.
        It lacks desire, passion, urgency, eroticism, …
        In the end, for some of us, there is more than just release – though a release is very very nice – and I look forward to finding it.

      • H&G, I wish you good luck. Being infatuated or loving an escort isn’t easy. Hope you find what you are looking for. I’d be interested in any follow-up comments if you’d like to share.

      • Lara

        I am a escort myself. I am in love with this ex client. Ex client because I told him that I don’t want his money since there are emotions between us . I love his company. His body Nd everything about him but I dont trust him. In my mind he will pay sex to other woman and when I thinking of it my heart sank in sadness . So I imagine how bad it would before his wife . I sell sex but with him is different as much as I need the money I preferred not to get a penny from him and because I have strong feelings for him. Some girls they fell in love and continue to get the money for their time . If I am doing wrong?? I don’t know. My heart is what drives me when I am in love. Should I be more tactile and rational? Don’t now

      • escortdiary

        @Lara

        Thanks for sharing.

        Don’t make the mistake of giving up your heart for free. If a man really loves you and he is decent, he will have no issue to financially support you.

        Another escort wrote recently how she found out her partner (who was meeting her for free) was paying other girls. Take this as an example.

        Know your worth. If taking care of you, financially, is an issue for him, then he’s either not ready to be with you and/or not a good partner generally.

        Best,
        Sahar

  5. Dear Sister,
    What are your thoughts on polygyny (multiple wives)?

    For one, as much as some self-styled Islamic cultures hate, it is clearly sanctioned (AND regulated) in the Qur-an. I know that you are a Muslim to whom Islam is important.

    Considering the general issues raised in both this post and its comments, I personally feel that the initial wife in a polygynous relationship is better treated than the jilted one, because there may be jealousy or dismay, but not betrayal. I feel that the newer wife or wives are better respected than the escort/prostitute/masseuse/masseur/girlfriend, because she is a wife with full rights, respect and acknowledgement, rather than- in the man’s mind- a “dirty little secret” or an exploited sexual object.

    Your thoughts?

    • I also want to add that I think everyone in a polygynous relationship can freely love each other. No secrets, no shame, no taboos.

      • Akbar Khan

        @taj-aboken

        Let me handle your question / comment in two parts:-
        Firstly the concept of polygamy (polygyny) as the Islam sees it.
        Secondly the comparison of wife with escort and polygamous relations

        First part. If you study the verses 4:3, 4:129 Polygamy is neither mandatory nor does Islam encourage it, but merely permits it and that too with the strict condition to do justice between the wives. If one has slightest doubt that he will not be able to do justice, then Allah has clearly directed that one wife is better. Moreover it places all wives at equal status, there is no concept of a “primary” or “secondary wife. They all are absolutely equal in rights. The requirement of justice rules out the fantasy that man can “own as many as he pleases.” It also rules out the concept of a “secondary wife”, for all wives have exactly the same status and are entitled to identical rights and claims over their husband. It also implies, according to the Islamic Law, that should the husband fail to provide enough support for any of his wives, she can go to court and ask for a divorce.”
        Also keep in mind that the prevalent practice at that time in society was to have Harems and thus Quranic injunction actually made polygyny restrictive when compared to prevalent norm in that society.

        Why Islam allows Polygyny?
        Well it at least provides a respectable and sane way in situations where a man is not getting enough sex from his wife, say in case of illness or older age or similar other situations. In countries where polygamy is illegal, do you see faithful marital relations under such circumstances? No. People cheat, go to prostitutes and endure much more ills including destruction of family. By allowing polygamy with strict justice, Islam gives opportunity to maintain family structure and also avoid Zina.

        Coming over to second part, I think drawing such a comparison that second wife would be at least better than escort is uncalled for. As I have explained above all wives are absolutely equal and can not be compared with escort. Wife is the significant other, the mother of your kids.

        Lastly a man with multiple wives still has to follow a conduct of decency ordained by Islam while having sex, threesomes, foursomes and homosexuality among the wives is not permissible.

      • The best argument for Islamic polygyny will be made by those who practice it correctly. So instead of arguing, I will set an example, in sha Allah. Then I will get back to you with my views.

      • escortdiary

        Thank you Akbar for responding on my behalf. I agree with your view.

      • Thomas

        This whole Islamic polygamy thing comes across as incredibly arbitrary and self righteous–primarily because it assumes that all escorts would prefer to be wives, which is an exceptionally dubious assumption, particularly in situations that would require living in relative physical and spiritual deprivation. There may be something to living as an “equal” wife. But it strikes me as being achieved by living as a non-equal human being. Why not admit being unjust rather than pretending to be just?

        Sometimes I think that being honest about non-monogamy might be nice. But I’ve seen polyamorous relationships. They don’t work nearly as well as their proponents believe they will. Almost all of them still get jealous and still cheat or feel cheated on.

        Really, I think that the institution of marriage needs to be strengthened so that people realize that whatever happens, they need to come home at the end of the day. If everyone was sure their spouse would come home at the end of the day, they would get tired of keeping tabs on them.

        No one likes the idea of their spouse cheating on them. The solution might just be to not think about it, not worry about it, and live life.

        A friend of mine’s wife once said, “I don’t care if he’s cheating on me, as long as I don’t find out about it. If I find out, I’ll cut his balls off and divorce him.” My wife would never say something like that. But she probably thinks that way. And she never feels the pangs of jealousy. She never watches me walk off to sleep with my other wife. Why is that such a bad solution?

        Im not saying 4 wives or polyamory doesn’t work–just that there is no perfect solution to issues arising from sex and love.

      • escortdiary

        Sorry there is no point to respond to what you wrote as you are not Muslim.

        Best,
        Sahar

  6. Bextacy

    I wish we lived in a society that could be honest about non monogamy. People need to come out of the closet. There would be a lot less heart break and a lot more fun! xo Your writing is sooooo good! xo

  7. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    Since you quoted part of Quran, this is my gift back to you (Surah ash-Shura):

    “25. It is He who accepts the repentance of His worshipers, and remits the sins, and knows what you do.

    26. And He answers those who believe and do good deeds, and He increases them of His grace. But the disbelievers will suffer a terrible punishment.

    27. If God were to increase the provision to His servants, they would transgress on earth; but He sends down in precise measure whatever He wills. Surely, regarding His servants, He is Expert and Observant.

    28. It is He who brings down the rain after they have despaired, and unfolds His mercy. He is the Guardian, the Praised.

    29. And of His signs are the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the creatures He has spread throughout them; and He is Able to gather them at will.

    30. Whatever misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned; and yet He pardons much.

    31. You are not the ones to interfere on earth; and besides God, you have no ally, and no helper.”

    I burst into tears as I heard these being recited today, and I thought I would share with you. My prayers and warmest regards to everyone on this panel. I have learned so much from everyone especially from dear Sahar.

  8. Mahdi

    My wife and I married about two decade ago. We were both virgins and each other’s very first experience. We have maintained a loyal, exclusive, loving and passionate marriage since then and have been blessed by beautiful children. Our marriage ceremony was dual purpose: It was also our farewell ceremony. We departed from our home country in the Middle East to somewhere in the English-speaking world for studying, and then stayed there.

    Once an authentically pious teenager who fiercely deprived himself from looking at or even thinking about women, years of living in the West gradually took a toll on me: I started to see and appreciate the beauty in other women, and how immensely devastating that was to my innocence. No loss or pain in my life equates the suffering this change brought upon me and, in retrospect, how foolish I was to succumb to my desires while I could have stopped them. What people experience in their teens happened to me in my thirties: My heart would melt upon seeing any woman. What a disaster.

    I became a guy who was easily confused and tormented by a shorter-than-a-split-second eye contact. Here was a married man with an angel in his house doing anything to keep him pleased and full, yet he wanted something more (and he did not know exactly what was that he wanted). Here was a truly happily married man who was tortured by a recurring and persisting unhappiness about not having had other experiences. It was the case of a highly educated, widely respected, professional and exemplary scientist whose brain worked like a Swiss watch (or so he taught) but whose heart was far from disciplined, organized, calm or thankful. His brain instructed him to exercise discipline, be calm and be thankful but the rest of his body instructed him the opposite.

    This continual inner struggle proved to be a constant source of distress and pain for me. I was mentally exhausted. I felt my talent, time and energy were being wasted by an internal fire that I could put out for short periods of time, only to see the flames re-emerge. Why couldn’t I be happy with what I have (and, thanks God, I have a lot)? Why did God do two opposite things to my logic and biology?

    This blog with its honest and intimate tone has been an extremely useful source of inspiration for me and is helping me in a process of soul searching and healing. It has helped me look at the issues of love, intimacy, companionship, and partnership through a new lens. It has upended how I view being with my beautiful wife: I am not going to let this gift from God become a mere partnership of convenience. I have started to enthusiastically explore, discover and appreciate every piece of her soul as she and I are the same and fundamentally in a state of union. And guess what? I am starting to see that I do not want anyone other than her after all!

    This blog has moved me in ways I have not been moved in many years. My wife says that Sahar to me is like Shams Tabrizi to Mowlana Rumi. Shams met Rumi only briefly and disappeared but left a deep mark on his character until the day he died. I have now re-gained the ability to be smiling at God, at equilibrium in heart, in unison with the world, and in love with all humans. The dark clouds are going away and the bright sun is coming back. Thank you, Sahar! Thank you!

    To celebrate, I offer this poem from the Persian poet Khayyam to everyone:

    اين کوزه چو من عاشق زاری بوده است
    در بـند سر زلف نـگاری بوده‌سـت
    اين دستـه کـه بر گردن او می‌بيني
    دستی‌ست که برگردن ياری بوده‌ست

    This clay pot like a lover once in heat
    A lock of hair his senses did defeat
    The handle that has made the bottleneck its own seat
    Was once the embrace of a lover that entreat.

    In Arabic, the same poem has been translated as

    كَانَ هَذَا الْكُوْزَ مِثْلِي عَاشِقاً … وَالِهاً فِي صِدْغِ ظَبْيٍ أَغْيَدِ
    وَأَرَى عُرْوَتَهُ كَانَتْ يَداً … طَوَّقَتْ جِيدَ حَبِيبٍ أَجْيَدِ

    I invite you to listen to Dorsaf Hamdani so beautifully signing this (from minute 22:15):

    • Akbar Khan

      @ Mahdi
      Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts. Indeed Sahar is an extraordinary soul and human being whose writings have been so insightful and thought provoking. My respect and prayers for her.

  9. k

    I have always wondered why husbands stray. I am still confused. Ready to try it myself.

  10. Omar

    Hi, so I am a married man, no kids yet, almost 30 years old. I am also Muslim and consider myself relatively practicing … I pray, read Quran etc. I have a great wife, beautiful,caring etc. But when it comes to sex life it feels like lazy sex without anything kinky or adventurous or anything. I don’t know how to tell her I’d like those things. At the same time, I find myself battling my inner self to go and see an escort for something more and I hate myself for it. But I keep wanting to go ahead and do it. I have a longing to see more women and engage in sexual fantasies (I’m sure this is product of modern day sex culture and pornography) … And I know it’s just a want and I want to be able to justify it to myself but at the same time I don’t want to cheat my wife or my faith or myself. I find myself in a huge inner battle. The question becomes is it morally OK for me to take that plunge or not? Just because I’ve become programmed so sexually?

    Can you help shed some light. Your blog is an awesome read by the way. I hope the best for you in terms of your career and life ahead.

    • escortdiary

      Omar,

      What you outlined is a common, yet major fitna for men and women in today’s age. This idea that the “grass is greener” with another person(s) is a very real problem for many immature minds. I understand how you feel, because I once felt I was ‘missing out’ on so-called amazing experiences with others while I was with my first partner. I was young and inexperienced then, so my immature mind definitely believed the deception of the “grass being greener.” Long story short, I realized through trial and error of how much bullshit lies and deception I was fed by the society about chasing shallow urges. ALL of those desires are now truly meaningless for me and have ZERO appeal.

      But you — you have limited experiences and you are within a filthy society that constantly tells you that what you have now (which is precious) is not ‘good’ enough.

      From what you wrote, it is clear that your mind is tainted with the filth. The disgusting pornographic images/ideas of sex/porn/kink/fetishes that you have in your mind will NOT go away until you see the lies/deception for yourself. Ironically in life, we need to see both sides of the coin to be able to see clearly — you don’t appreciate your wife because you believe the the other side of the coin has some promise — likewise, men who’ve only had random sexual encounters are often craving what you have (a real love connection with one woman only). Once one has seen both sides of the equation, they are more content and understand what is truly meaningful in life (hopefully). Sorry to say, but you have not reach this level of maturity, which makes me feel sorry for your wife.

      Do you know how many men regret losing their kids/wives/families because they selfishly lived off their whims and desires for other women? Your dick gets wet, your ego gets filled, and then what? You lose all the things you realize that matters in life — you negate wholesome belonging to people who care about you for a few seconds of orgasm and kink? You won’t understand a thing I am saying — ’cause the true beauty in life is something you find boring and mediocre, whilst your eyes have been tainted to find worthless things extremely alluring. A rotten apple painted in gold is what you desire.

      Since you do not have kids, let your wife be with a more mature man who does not have worthless HARAM sexual urges — don’t be selfish. Either way, your wife deserves to know she has a husband who does not think she’s ‘good enough’ for the time being. If you act as cowardly husbands do, who openly lie to their wife with fake acts of love/admiration while simultaneously cheating on her, then you have committed a grave sin (which will hurt you in the long run, mark my words).

      Sorry if I come off as rude — people can change, but sometimes the fitna/filth of society can encompass a person to the extent they themselves become a dajjal/shaytan. There is never any barakhah or blessing to those who deceive, use and cheat others — you will cheat yourself. I hope your mindset changes, inshaAllah, and I pray one day your mind becomes truly disgusted with the thoughts that possess you now.

      -Sahar

      • Omar

        Sahar, thanks for your thoughtful and great reply. It definitely is a lower urge to fulfil and I agree it is indeed a sin and something that I should stay away from. I truly love my wife and am not giving into my baseless desires even though I would love to. I will try and rid myself of this sin. Sahar, even though I do have these HARAM urges and should control them, may I ask should the same be for you and your profession? Can we justify Haram action at one end and not allow it at another? How do we define these moral boundaries?

        Inshallah I hope and pray the best for both of us. Sexual needs definitely are an interesting subject and definitely need a lot more discussion in the Muslim community.

        Just for my information, I see you definitely join yourself with Islam. I was just wondering what role does Islam play in your life? And what is your definition of Islam? I hope this is not a redundant question.

  11. Mahdi

    Dear Omar,

    As someone who has been in a more or less similar situation, I understand what you are going through and would like to offer you some advice, if I may. These are my opinions right now and I stand to be corrected, if anyone can see a hole in my thought processes or outcomes.

    A PRACTICAL MEN’S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL URGES AND PRACTICING SELF-DISCIPLINE (Part 1)

    Let me begin with a question. Why did people practice slavery hundreds or thousands of years ago? Were the masters all evil people? Why do people kill animals to eat them in this day and age? Are we heartless people? I do not honestly think people in general were or are being flat-out cruel in the way that, on an abstract or purely mathematical level, the actions of slavery or killing another being would suggest. I believe such social norms and how people behave are modulated by collective levels of understanding of and empathy towards others, be it another human being, an animal, or even a plant. Once a society advanced enough to appreciate the misery of a slave and what individuals within the society were perpetuating against another human being who must in principle be equal to them, the society as a whole put a stop to it and never really went back to the previous low levels. By the same token, it is my belief that the world will at some point reach the level of understanding needed to honestly see the inhumanity of killing animals so blatantly and will start to practice some sort of self-restraint and fairness in meat consumption. Meanwhile, only people who think beyond their times will be able to take appropriate corrective actions in their own personal space before societies become grown enough to fix those issues.

    Now, coming to the issue at hand, if a man wants a lasting solution to the inner mental struggle he faces concerning the feeling of loyalty to his wife or partner on the one hand and the constant urge to seek variety on the other hand, he should look beyond his time and place, beyond the social norms of the time, and beyond his basic bodily impulses and appetite. And this is a two-way street by the way. In our time, women see it as acceptable to exhibit their bodily beauty and glamour in the public to the fullest and in the most breathtaking and intoxicating way. Hiding behind the banner of personal freedoms and human rights, little do they know how miserable and gloomy they are making the lives of those men who struggle to remain loyal to their wives or partners. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, men see it as acceptable to want change and desire the most beautiful lady whoever she might turn out to be on that day. Confused by their biological impulses, little do men know how hurtful to their wives or partners, how risky to the stability and health of their lives and careers, and how self-destructive to their own characters and spiritual growth these maneuvers can be. Both groups think about themselves only and lack empathy toward the other group. Both groups are prisoners in the confines of their time and environment. Both groups are trapped. Both groups are just being average and conventional. Neither group shows mercy and true compassion toward the other side.

    My point is that untangling the mental mess a man may experience due to wanting to be loyal and at the same time wanting diversity is not that easy. Finding a lasting resolution is doable but not simple. The challenge and the complication is a matter of mind and must be resolved in mind. With this long preamble, let me get to some of the practical things you can do to alleviate the problem.

    1. Analytic approach: Consider a woman you have desired. Understand exactly what qualifications she has that makes you attracted to her. Mechanically dissect the attraction to the most primitive building blocks of appearance or personality. For instance, is it about the skin complexion, the hair style, the eye color, the body shape or what? Is the attraction you are experiencing about her charm, self-confidence/vulnerability, maturity/youthfulness, energy/calmness, or what? Go through these and make a list. Now, for every feminine quality she has, find a mirror-symmetric or dual masculine quality. Reconstruct in your mind the image of a man with those dual qualities and imagine your wife being attracted to him in spite of you. She has been attracted to another man because he shows off his chest hair, or because his face is cute, or because he is younger than you, or because he is speaking to her in a seducing way. Do you feel disgusted? Do you feel disrespected? Do you feel she has been ungrateful towards you? Do you feel she is being silly? Well, you are looking at yourself in the mirror. That is the person is who you are, my brother. If you do not like that person, then change yourself.

    2. Empathetic approach: When you are attracted to a woman, try to go back and forth in time and visualize her journey in life. Imagine she being in her mother’s womb thinking that the world is the size of a ball, imagine the tears shed by her parents when she was born and her scream as she came out, imagine the long nights the mother spent nursing and caring for her, imagine the long days the father worked to put her food on the table, imagine the stressful periods the parents went through every time she fell sick, imagine the hope in her eyes when she was 6, imagine the curiosity in her mind when she was 12, imagine the love in her heart when she was 19, imagine her vulnerability when her husband yelled at her, imagine her pride in her job, imagine her heartbreak when her teenage child ignored her, imagine her loneliness in old age, imagine her moment of death, and imagine her state when she is laid to rest. By the time you do this, you will see her as a human just like you — plain and simple. You will share in her pains and happiness, her weaknesses and triumphs, her good and bad, her ups and downs. As the 12th-century Persian poet Saadi Shirazi says:

    بنى‌آدم اعضای یک پیکرند
    که در آفرینش ز یک گوهرند
    چو عضوى به درد آورَد روزگار
    دگر عضوها را نمانَد قرار
    تو کز محنت دیگران بی‌غمی
    نشاید که نامت نهند آدمی

    Adam’s sons are body limbs, to say;
    For they’re created of the same clay.
    Should one organ be troubled by pain,
    Others would suffer severe strain.
    Thou, careless of people’s suffering,
    Deserve not the name, “human being”.

    You will see her past the glamour, past the skin, past the surface. You won’t be sexually attracted to her anymore – can a man ever feel sexual attraction toward his sister, daughter or mother?

    Her eyes will be your door to reaching and touching her soul. You will be in love with her because she is from you and you are from her. There will be invisible strings of love connecting you two, but this love is very different from what others think. This love is sanctioned, it is halal, it is kosher, it is divine, it is beautiful, it is what makes your soul fly. This love will be the manifestation of your humanity. It will set you free. It will sweeten your day and night. It will make you holy. Try it, my brother, and I guarantee that you will not regret it.

    I have more to say on this issue but my time has run out. Maybe I can write more at another time, getting more to the specifics of Omar’s situation.

    For now, I love you all.

    • escortdiary

      Mahdi,

      Thank you for sharing your insights and my apologies for not getting back to your comment.

      You have interesting thoughts, but I am not entirely in agreement to everything you wrote. Not all men have the same desires or urges. Nor do all married men desire to cheat for the same reasons.

      I see a lot of married men who cheat, and after all these years, I always questioned my married clients as to why they cheat. Is it due to lack of sexual chemistry? Is it due to wanting variety? Is it ‘biological’ as society would lead us to believe? I am deeply against the biological stance that ALL men need variety — I am against it because I have seen otherwise. The more correct answer is that SOME men need variety, and the reason isn’t solely biological.

        Generally, There are two kinds of married men who cheat:

      1. The married men desire who variety –they desire variety because they (1) fail to established a good sexual connection with their wife or any woman, so therefore trying multiple women is appealing for them. Men in this category will only continue to desire multiple women until they experience true intimacy/passion that is non-comparable to any other sexual experience — thus, ‘variety’ becomes no longer desirable. The second reason a married may desire variety is because he believes there is a “promise land” by experiencing the ‘sexy’ women and sexual acts that he’s see’s advertised to him endlessly in his daily life. Any wholesome man would soon find sleeping with random women very unfulfilling once he’s experienced the so-called “promise-land” of promiscuity — he will soon enough realize that meaningless sex is nothing compared to a deep connection. But not all men are fortunate to experience a true intimate connection. Some men (and women) have such a shallow outlook which PREVENTS them from making a deep, intimate connection with a quality, wholesome individual — shallow people with no depth will inevitabilty only find acceptance/commonality to other shallow individuals with no depth. This type of apathetic man only views and performs sex that is essentially meaningless and one-side (ie: sex that serves zero pleasure for the woman). From my observations, men who continuously desire random, meaningless sex are individuals who have an apathetic outlook on life and will likely never form a closer, intimate sexual relationship. I doubt that you (Mahdi) and Omar are this apathetic-type, because any man who has a high regard for women would never, in the long run, find happiness in using women as objects.

      2. The married men who DO NOT desire variety. In general, the most mature of men and women are only searching for a deep, loving sensual and emotional bond with another. Sadly, sometimes these men can be married, and they never experienced a deep intimacy with their wife. It might be the case that their wife has essentially no desire for sex, and there is no sexual chemistry. Unfortunately, a lot of people get married to individuals whom they do not share a deep sensual bond with — it is unfortunate people resort to cheating on their partner rather than (1) giving up their self-serving desires or (2) communicating to their partner about their unfulfilled desires. As mentioned, the married and non-married clients who only see me are not interested in variety, as they desire something more intimate.

      Over all, things are messed up in today’s world. There is without a doubt a mass campaign of social engineering occurring that is effectively disrupting the bonds between men and women, and by extension seeking to break the family unit as a whole. People no longer matter in society — people are products, morality no longer matters. A great quote I heard recently regarding social media and the Internet was, “If it’s free, you are not the consumer, you are the PRODUCT.” The fact that we are subjected to FREE pornographic videos and soft-core porn on social media, television and billboards is by no means a coincidence. Porn and social media feeds people the idea that some sort of ‘promise-land’ exists in sex, and that we must chase our selfish whims to achieve some sort of salvation — and in the process, a TON of money is made off the manipulation/exploitation of our desires. Big business knows very well that killing the human soul, killing off morality is what makes a great consumer, a human robot. We’ve already got a huge population of sheep-like people who behave in selfish, robotic ways, just as society intended. The same way big businesses market the idea that we constantly need the “better, newer, and latest” smartphone is the same idea that’s being done to human relations. It’s called Perceived Obsolescence — you know, the idea that if you’re not fucking someone new or adopting the latest trend, then you’re apparently not ‘living the life’ and therefore need to feel bad about yourself. It’s all lies. These evil ideas are hurting humanity and lining the pockets of the most apathetic, soulless beings — awareness is the only solution. Once you see all the deception for yourself, you won’t desire it and will be repulsed — the thing is, not everyone gets to see the deception for what it is….

      I’ve gone off on a tangent, hope that all made sense.

      Well wishes and thanks for the lovely poetic exerpts

      Sahar

    • I appreciate your willingness to deeply consider the experience of another. This is a mature outlook which is unfortunately somewhat rare

  12. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    Thank you for your thoughtful, eloquent and detailed response. If I may, I would like to address a few lines of what you wrote in the following. I agree with the rest.

    “I am deeply against the biological stance that ALL men need variety”.

    I am no expert on male sexuality but am a man myself and know deep inside what women are trying so hard to analyze and figure out. I have also observed men both in an Eastern society and in the Western society with two totally different value systems, ethical standards, social norms, and social teachings. Based on these, I do believe that for evolution-related biological reasons, all men are hardwired to crave variety. Of course, the internal intensity of that differs in different men based on a range of things including physiology, genetics, climate, culture and society. The external manifestation of seeking diversity also differs in different men based on their desire for and their ability to self-regulate, which is in turn related to their value system and worldview and qualifications such as empathy, depth of thought, etc. So, while you may see a man not ACTIVELY seeking variety, this must be attributed to success to self-regulate an urge rather than the nonexistence of that urge in the first place. This much is very clear to me. I agree with you that biology is not the sole contributor to the urge for variety, but I believe it is an essential and ever-existing component of it.

    “From my observations, men who continuously desire random, meaningless sex are individuals who have an apathetic outlook on life and will likely never form a closer, intimate sexual relationship.”

    I do not dispute this but would like to point out that your observations may be skewed from reality due to the specific characteristics of the sample population of men you are considering. Case in point: A man like me who has never been with any woman other than his wife may CONTINUOUSLY desire random sex simply because he has never let himself try it even once. The continuity of the desire in this case is not due to apathy but due to self-control (although at a physical and superficial level and not at a mental and deep level as the latter would stop the desire either altogether or make it at least intermittent). Yes, if a man has had lots of experiences and still continuously desires random sex, then there is a problem with him in my perspective.

    “As mentioned, the married and non-married clients who only see me are not interested in variety, as they desire something more intimate.”

    Dear Sahar, I love you so much and regard you so highly that cannot bring myself to call you by anything other than the most beautiful of names and adjectives, so please forgive me and for my selfish sake please let us just talk about an escort out there and not you. Now, which of the following two men do you perceive to be on a moral higher ground: A self-regulating man who is loyal to his wife but craves other experiences versus a man loyal to an escort and not seeking variety? Where are the high value and the commendable attitude that you see in a man who is loyal to an escort while, by the way, she is at the peak of her beauty and youth? I do not mean to diminish the values in this man, but it is nowhere close in rank to the loyalty of the other man to his wife across decades when she is young and she is old, when she is happy and she is dull, when she is healing and she is hurting, and when she is cooperative and she is combative. If there is any forgiveness, doesn’t this man deserve some?

    “The same way big businesses market the idea that we constantly need the “better, newer, and latest” smartphone is the same idea that’s being done to human relations.

    ” Maybe you did not mean to establish a direct equivalence between wanting a new phone and wanting a new partner, but if you did, I would say that it is imprecise or at the very least not generalizable to everyone. The urge for variety among men is hundreds of thousands of years old (provably, thousands of years old). It is widespread across vast geographies, times and cultures. It is hardwired into the very fabric of the man’s brain. Has it been further manipulated and exacerbated in the modern world? Yes, for sure. However, the origins are old and there to stay. The only way for men to get ahead of it is to resolve it in mind as my previous post was trying to communicate.

    I have been aware for a long time that people including myself are psychologically conditioned to mount an argument against another person only if that person is similar to them in thoughts and there is some sort of rapport between the two. Where there is no affinity or similarity, they refrain from even arguing, probably in an unconscious effort minimization or outcome optimization dynamic. In other words, we do not accept if people we have a lot in common with have something else that is not common between us. Funny enough, we do not mind if people have nothing in common with us. This is the binary logic of 1 and 0; the logic of either with me or against me. Ironically, that is the logic that drove me for the last hour of writing – I put the 90% of what Sahar has written which I agree with aside, and picked on the remaining 10%! Still, I hope there is some wisdom in what I wrote and it provides some level of clarity to readers who are having similar experiences as me.

    Here is a gift from the album The Passion of Rumi:

    • escortdiary

      Dear Mahdi,

      Thank you again for a well thought response.

      You wrote:

      “I do believe that for evolution-related biological reasons, all men are hardwired to crave variety.”

      Here’s why I disagree. Firstly, I do not believe in evolution, and therefore, of course, I believe evolutionary explanations of human relations is deeply flawed and fails to support the diverse range of human phenomena both cross-culturally and historically.

      Secondly, what about WOMEN’s desires? Mahdi, luckily you have not encountered a woman who thinks with her vagina rather than her heart/brains — they exist! Yes, we live in an age where MOST women desire intimacy for the purpose of closeness and emotional bonding and therefore, most women are less prone to variety. Is this current phenomena simply due to biological explanations? Is this a trait of women across all cultures at all time? The answer is no. Just like men have urges that come directly from their penis to fuck, a sexually ‘awake’ woman also has intense, physical urges from her pussy to fuck and orgasm — it is only more rare among women because of centuries worth of social norms to compress female sexuality. Both men and women have been taught in modern culture a pattern of sexual intercourse that focuses on the male orgasm — when the female orgasm is barely acknowledged among a population, then a society will produce sexually passive women (which I believe exists now). We have a deep irony of many women who dress and behave sexually, but are essentially passive when it comes to having any real sexual desire for their own orgasm. Not all cultures or people have practiced sex in the same one-sided manner — many ancient cultures would not consider sex that was one-sided, or focused only on the male orgasm. Highly sexual women were present in many cultures — probably causing a lot of fitna, as I am sure women at some point in history were the ones exploiting men! Just take a look into tantric history or the kama sutra — women were once very tuned to their sexuality without exploiting or degrading themselves as objects.

      Why did certain cultures imposed extreme strict and rigid sexual norms for women? Probably because women, at some point, had to be tamed! Indeed at some point in history in certain cultures, a majority of WOMEN WERE LIKELY SEXUALLY exploiting men. The fact female genital cutting exists exemplifies that women’s sexuality was once so strong that they needed to be circumsized to tame them. A sexual woman has immense powers that has the potential to be extremely oppressive towards men and the social structure, which is probably why such a woman has traditionally been so feared and suppressed. 😛

      Sorry to use myself as an example again, but I am one of the odd women who has a sex drive that is equivalent to, or perhaps more than, the stereotypical man. I do, however, desire meaningful sex with chemistry over variety — so do some men. But variety is also agreeable to my body if I did not have a sense of morality from stopping me. If all women had the daily need of cumming/orgasm (and some do), then I highly doubt our society would even need prostitution. If most women were focused on their clits and getting their fix of satisfying dick (and these women do exist, albeit rare), there would be no sex starved men. The reality is, however, most women in modern times are not thinking with their clits and vagina — and this is because women have been told by society for centuries that touching themselves, exploring their sexuality and learning about female pleasure is taboo and shameful. Women have the same potential as men to be sexually aroused and horny in a biological sense. It’s not just men who have endless daily urges — believe me ….. it only seems that way because men have the liberty to express their urges and explore them without facing social sanctions.


      To sum, these are some reasons to explain why many women in a modern Western context are not truly horny or sex obsessed:

      1. They are having sex with men who’ve learnt about one-sided sex that does not focus on female orgasm/pleasure. Moreover, most women themselves also learn about sex in the same manner, sex that is all about pleasing the man. The typical, degrading pornographic formula of (1) sucking cock, (2) penetration in uncomfortable positions, (3) zero intimacy/foreplay to warm up the ladies desires and (4) only working towards the male orgasm, is a very terrible way to learn about sex.
      2. Far too many women, themselves, never explored their own bodies due to cultural notions of shame around female sexuality. The vagina is a muscle, when it’s not used, it weakens.
      3. It is not socially acceptable for a woman to demand her orgasm or express confidence in her sexuality with most men — the fear of being known as ‘experienced’ or being a ‘slut’ is a real double standard.

      *If these social norms did not exist or they are ignored, a very different populace of women would exist.

      Ironically, social norms that restrict sexual freedom is needed within society, but what exists today is very problematic and exploitative. I embrace the Islamic norms that are mandated for both men and women — sadly, however, the norms are now unequal and many double standards exist.

      Hope that made sense to make you reconsider your biological argument.

      Salam

      • I would add to Sahar’s comment here that women often have very strong preferences in terms of sexual partners that tend to have an emotional tenor to them. I am a very sexual woman like Sahar, and so are some of my women friends, yet me and my friends who are like me tend to stick to monogamous relationships or even long periods of no sex (despite a glut of availability of willing men) due to our emotional needs and proclivities. Honestly I would be happier if I was having more sex, and it would not be the least difficult to procure, but I don’t do it because I know it wouldn’t feel good to me in the long run or be satisfying on a deep level.

  13. Mahdi

    Thank you, Sahar, for your response. I am still unconvinced and have the usual instant itch to put up a counter-argument, but perhaps it’s best for me to let it go at this time to create space for everyone to study and think about this. This whole question of whether the urge for variety is widespread among men or specific to only men is interesting and worth discussing, but not central to my line of thoughts and arguments and not consequential to how, I perceive, married men should control themselves. InshaAllah, I will go back to giving some more advice to Omar and gentlemen like him in the near future. Best regards. Mahdi

    Sura Yunus:

    إِنَّ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ يَهْدِيهِمْ رَبُّهُم بِإِيمَانِهِمْ ۖ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهِمُ الْأَنْهَارُ فِي جَنَّاتِ النَّعِيمِ (9) دَعْوَاهُمْ فِيهَا سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَتَحِيَّتُهُمْ فِيهَا سَلَامٌ ۚ وَآخِرُ دَعْوَاهُمْ أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ (10

    “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – their Lord will guide them because of their faith. Beneath them rivers will flow in the Gardens of Pleasure.”

    “Their call therein will be, “Exalted are You, O Allah ,” and their greeting therein will be, “Peace.” And the last of their call will be, “Praise to Allah , Lord of the worlds!””

  14. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    I was intrigued by your assertion that there is no reason for the female sexual drive to be any weaker than the male sexual drive. You must have seen and possibly been influenced by the 2013 book by Daniel Bergner entitled “What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire,” and his 2009 New York Times article “What Do Women Want?” (URL: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html). While I am still not done reading and have lingering doubts about this whole topic, I thought I would share the above titles here so that interested readers can refer to them. And I have a progress report for anyone following this thread:

    I read most of the New York Times article and found it fascinating. It talks about the research done at Queen’s University by Dr. Meredith Chivers. The research involved showing movies to men and women, straight and gay, of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, etc. Movies of monkeys (bonobos) mating were also included. The genitals of male subjects were instrumented to measure the swelling while those of female subjects were sensorized to measure the blood flow. The participants also used a keypad to rate how aroused they felt. Therefore, both objective and subjective measurements were collected.

    Some of the experimental results seem predictable while some are counter-intuitive. Read these two paragraphs:

    “The men, on average, responded genitally in what Chivers terms “category specific” ways. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. They were mostly unmoved when the screen displayed only men. Gay males were aroused in the opposite categorical pattern. Any expectation that the animal sex would speak to something primitive within the men seemed to be mistaken; neither straights nor gays were stirred by the bonobos. And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph [swelling sensor]. The men’s minds and genitals were in agreement.
    All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more. Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph [blood flow sensor] recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos.”
    To me, the counter-intuitive results are the following:

    – Women responded to a wider range of sexual stimuli than men did. High sexual drive in men meant attraction toward women (for straights) and toward men (for gays). However, high sexual drive in women meant attraction towards BOTH sexes. Women were aroused even when watching MONKEY sex. Anyway, why are women more easily aroused than men are? That is weird. It gets more weird when the article says arousal or even orgasm in women during sexual assault has been reported (I really do not want this one to be true).
    – When using keypad, women expressed less arousal than their blood flow sensors showed. For men, keypad entries and swelling sensor readings were consistent. The split between women’s mind and body is strange.

    In another 1992 study it cites (this paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1580785), the New York Times article talks about research showing that women can simply THINK themselves into orgasm. The paper’s abstract says: “Subjects were women who claimed that they could experience orgasm from imagery alone. Orgasm from self-induced imagery or genital self-stimulation generated significant increases in systolic blood pressure, heart rate, pupil diameter, pain detection threshold, and pain tolerance threshold over resting control conditions.” Essentially, self-induced orgasm in women by only recalling images and without touching themselves showed correlation with externally measurable and verifiable signs of orgasm. Wow, what man can do the same?

    The women’s response to a broader set of stimuli as compared to men raises questions whether men are actually MORE INHIBITED and CULTURALLY BOUND than women (Sahar, how can you be sitting there? You have to get into this line of research and prove them wrong!). Well, then some other experiments involving functional MRI did not show activation of the region of the brain associated with inhibition in men who were shown images expected to trigger inhibition (e.g., showing a nude man’s image to a straight man). In other words, men’s narrowly focused desires (i.e., straight men want only women and gay men want only men) is not because of shyness or self-restraint among men. It is something else.

    Back to the data showing a lack of correlation between mind and body in women, Dr. Chivers thinks it may be because the woman’s sexual organ is not external (as is men’s), meaning women are less aware of their own arousal state in their entire development path. Men can better sense an increase in their heart rate than women can, and the same may be true about the messages coming from genitals. Sahar, this can be the reason behind what you call most women not being sexually awake. This can be the source of it rather than cultural forces limiting and suppressing women sexually. Of course, the article does say it is very hard to decouple the culture from the physiology in the study of sexuality.

    I am really fascinated by this type of scientific and data-driven analysis that is largely free from assumptions. I will be looking to see if there is any other analysis to either explain the meaning of the above or perhaps contradict it.

    Best regards.

    • escortdiary

      Mahdi,

      Thank you for sharing those studies, all which I completely dismiss.
      Nothing makes me more annoyed than seeing articles that try to explain and universalize human behaviour with ‘biological’ explanations, especially when animal analogies are used. It is even more annoying when misleading ideas are portrayed as facts due to ‘scientific’ observation.

      Mahdi, don’t be too confident in the white man’s science that attempts to explain the world — remember that it was also data-based ‘science’ that claimed certain races were ‘proven’ to be physically and genetically ‘inferior,’ which later became debunked as pseudo-science and was discovered to be instrumentally useful in implementing colonialism and the enslavement of black and brown people’s across the world. I actually consider most of these gendered ‘scientific’ studies as pseudo-science. As you know, every scientific assertion occurs within a system of hegemony. This means that ‘facts’ or ‘data’ do not occur within a vacuum, but rather are subjected to immense bias and the furthering certain narratives/agendas. If one’s frame of thinking is within the mainstream paradigm, then the biological narratives (explanations) of gendered/human behaviour seem convincing (ie: it’s easy to assume men are X, while women are Y, as this is observable within ones given context). But not everyone adheres to the same paradigm of thought. For me, to reduce the phenomena of sex and bonding to something that can be quantified, simplified and universalized for all humans is bogus. Sex is very sacred and spiritual — there are deep, metaphysical aspects — this cannot be explained so easily, and perhaps only understood by the heart. Of course, however, if one’s religion is atheism, they will dismiss metaphysical forms of knowledge. Science can never fully explain feelings of the heart. How can one scientifically explain when Allah places noor in ones heart?

      You wrote:

      You must have seen and possibly been influenced by the 2013 book by Daniel Bergner entitled “What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire,” and his 2009 New York Times article “What Do Women Want?”

      Absolutely not. I would not trust any ‘scientific’ study from mainstream media agencies — their push to reduce the complexity of human life to simplified ‘scientific’ explanations is not only unfortunate, but dangerous. Such articles and studies completely ignore/omit any true form of contextual analysis (ie: the social, cultural and historical context). The findings of the data that you outlined occur within a Western socio-cultural context, where, as mentioned, most women have been shaped for centuries to be passive towards sex in comparison to men — these type of studies fail to examine class, race, cross-cultural and cross-historical comparisons of sexual behaviour. The study by Bergner did not mention anything about how race or class may have stipulated the results of the participants. For instance, there are vast cultural differences between the respectability norms for Black American women versus white American women. African American women, for instance, are probably less prude when it comes to expressing their sexuality in comparison to white American women (and then factoring in class differences complicate things even further).

      You wrote:

      Essentially, self-induced orgasm in women by only recalling images and without touching themselves showed correlation with externally measurable and verifiable signs of orgasm. Wow, what man can do the same?

      LOL — what woman can do that? I sure as hell cannot. Darling, reading or watching studies of sex will only tell you so much, or give you a ton of misinformation. It is best not to think of men or women as “All women desire X, and All Men desire Y.” There is so much diversity that stereotypes cannot explain. I have seen this flawed form of logic endlessly promoted to naive minds. For instance, there are idiots who exploit the minds of a lot of naive men by selling them pseudo-scientific ideas on “how to get women,” where their ‘tactics’ assumes that all women have the same ‘biological’ desires and motivations. These idiot “Alpha male” mentalities base all of their ‘knowledge’ on biological determinist narratives on human behaviour — they propagate the idea, for instance, that all women are naturally submissive and desire an “alpha” male. While this nonsense is laughable, it’s actually very harming for both men and women — it furthers them away from any sacred/spiritual form of bonding in a metaphysical sense. My suggestion is to stop reading ‘scientific’ studies of sex from soulless authors who ignore the metaphysical — read ancient wisdom, such as Tantric notions of bonding or Taoist sexual wisdom or watch “Kama Sutra: Tale of Love” as a starter.. (all view the union of men and women in harmony, like the photo below):

      You wrote:

      Dr. Chivers thinks it may be because the woman’s sexual organ is not external (as is men’s), meaning women are less aware of their own arousal state in their entire development path. Men can better sense an increase in their heart rate than women can, and the same may be true about the messages coming from genitals. Sahar, this can be the reason behind what you call most women not being sexually awake.

      What a load of nonsense. Sorry again for my obvious deep annoyance at the articles you have shared!
      As a escort, I have come across all different types of bodies and sexual abilities. There is NO standard sexual organ shape, nor any standard sexual ability. There so many factors — socially, physically, mentally, and metaphysically — that contribute to someone sexual desires. I am certain that any author who claims that women are naturally ‘submissive’ or ‘less sexual’ is someone who either has (1) a penis too small to satisfy any woman (2) has a reasonable sized penis, but is beyond terrible/annoying in sex (3) neither 1 or 2, but has a wife who has no sex drive due to her social context and upbringing.

      Thank you again for sharing Mahdi…:-)

      Love,
      Sahar

  15. Mahdi

    Assalamu Alaikum Sahar,

    Thank you for your response, which is as usual full of insights and wisdom.

    Right now, my soul is a tumultuous sea that requires me to change the topic and pour out my thoughts and emotions along a totally different direction. I will understand, respect and cherish your decision not to publish this or respond to it, if that is what you will do. After all, there is probably nothing in the following to respond to.

    Have you heard the story of the 8th-century personality named Al-Fuḍayl ibn ‘Iyāḍ who was both a bandit and a practicing Muslim? The story has that one time as Fudayl was climbing a wall as a routine part of his job, he heard someone recite this part of Sura Al-Hadid:

    أَلَمۡ يَأۡنِ لِلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ أَن تَخۡشَعَ قُلُوبُہُمۡ لِذِڪۡرِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا نَزَلَ مِنَ ٱلۡحَقِّ وَلَا يَكُونُواْ كَٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُواْ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبَ مِن قَبۡلُ فَطَالَ عَلَيۡہِمُ ٱلۡأَمَدُ فَقَسَتۡ قُلُوبُہُمۡ‌ۖ وَكَثِيرٌ۬ مِّنۡہُمۡ فَـٰسِقُونَ

    “Has not the Time arrived for the Believers that their hearts in all humility should engage in the remembrance of Allah and of the Truth which has been revealed (to them), and that they should not become like those to whom was given Revelation aforetime, but long ages passed over them and their hearts grew hard? For many among them are rebellious transgressors.”

    This came down like a lightening on him. The effect was abrupt and strong. He repented earnestly right there and tried to undo the harm he had done before in the rest of his life.

    Why did I mention this story? Because it is MY story. I used to be a practicing Muslim and at the same time a bandit. Instead of robbing others of their properties, for years I robbed myself of opportunities for spiritual growth, moving toward Allah, and truly becoming the person He wanted me to be. Until the lightning came and my moment arrived and you know when that moment was.

    Sahar, when will be YOUR moment? When will your heart soften? When will you submit to Allah fully, wholeheartedly and unreservedly?

    What does it take for your heart to soften? What is the price to be paid? Would it not suffice if a rampant and prevailing heartbreak had made a sinful yet empathetic human being lose weight any cry in sleep (according to others)? Would the red eyes and the pale face be insignificant to you? Would that head shaking in powerful tears not shake your heart?

    Would a quake not happen in your heart if a soul died in your sorrow? Just tell me how many souls need to perish before your hour finally arrives and you change course.

    You can tell me there is little wrong in what you do and a lot wrong with the society. You can tell me you are doing the disadvantaged a service by providing comfort or love. You can tell me observant eyes see value in what you do. You can tell me this is all temporary and just a compromise. You can tell me life is complicated. You can tell me this is your life and you get to choose how to conduct it. My hands are up in the air. I do not argue with you. I accept losing on all fronts already.

    Call me naïve. Call me simple-minded. Call me inexperienced. Call me ignorant. Call me unsophisticated. I accept those. I am defeated. I am out-argued. My hands are in the air.

    But, for Allah’s sake, when will the moment of humility in your heart finally arrive? Tell me the hour, day, month and year and I will put up the biggest celebration then. Sahar, for the sake of those you love most, please ask yourself repeatedly:

    أَلَمۡ يَأۡنِ لِلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ أَن تَخۡشَعَ قُلُوبُہُمۡ لِذِڪۡرِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا نَزَلَ مِنَ ٱلۡحَقِّ

    God is witness to the pain that I have suffered, and how happily I have suffered that pain. He is also witness that I only wanted you for YOU – wasn’t that the selfless love you were talking about? I have only been asking Him to expedite your moment. I do not matter. It is all about YOU.

    I do not know if He will give me another day to live or another breath to take – no one knows. And this might well be my last message because I said ALL I had to say and nothing more is left to say. I have over-stayed my welcome and need to depart. Please forgive me if I said anything that hurt you and please understand my ignorance and lack of knowledge in my writings.

    May God preserve you and may He shower you in His blessings for every breath you take in the rest of your life.

  16. Dear Sahar,
    I’ve read this post and the comments with great interest.
    The comments written down are as informative as the post himself.
    I love how you put emphasis on the metaphysical aspect of intimacy between between men and women.
    You and my counselor are one of the people and factors who inspired me to look for happiness in the metaphysical atmosphere. Although I don’t really believe in rigid established religions or certain gods, I do recognize the importance of looking for the soul and morality in everything.
    I must admit, I’ve developed my own ‘beliefsystem’, my ‘World of souls.’ my something-ism, as you can call it.
    To conclude, looking for higher purposes and meanings than only the material aspects, has helped me a lot.
    I’m still curious on your outlook on prostitution though.
    What is your standpoint?
    It seems your opinion about it has changed a lot, something about you that I don’t entirely comprehend. Of course, you don’t have to justify yourself towards anyone besides God where you believe in.
    Lots of love, and hopefully you’re doing well.

    You can also reach my via e-mail, if you want.

  17. I know it would be hard for most wives to understand, but seeing an escort may be the safest manner that a husband has for channeling his inner tensions. If he sees an escort, it is likely that they will not form a personal relationship, as would occur if he had an affair. Escorts will also usually be taking precautions for safe sex that many people would not in the context of an affair.
    For a man, seeing an escort may be somewhat like the masculine equivalent of going for a therapy session, not “cheating” on his wife.
    This I have learned in my foray into sensual massage.
    I had one client who seemed very attracted to me and with whom I had explosive chemistry. He came to see me twice in a month. I practically had an orgasm just from him touching my breast. I decided that I wanted to play more with him on my personal time. I let him know that I was open to that prospect, and I thought he would want to, as he seemed so hungry for me.
    He told me respectfully that he was very attracted to me, thought I was incredible, and would love that, but he was married and had not intended to form any kind of personal relationship. The personal connection was powerful for both of us, so he felt it would be better not to see me anymore.
    That was fine with me, but I felt the incident illustrated that most men are not trying to threaten their marriage or replace their wife by seeking sensual services. In fact sensual services such as massage or the services of an escort are a lot more therapeutic for men than most people are willing to acknowledge. This is the problem with ghettoizing sex work; society cannot acknowledge the strength of the healing than can take place within this age old modality.

  18. Oh my goodness. Crying at the beauty of what you said!

  19. TRU

    It was the worst pain a women could ever feel.. it completely breaks you with in seconds. My husband has done nothing but blame me for his mistakes. I have now realized it’s not my fault, but I still ask myself why over and over again. I’m attractive…. I love sex… I’m good at giving head… what’s wrong with me. The escort I met was 8 months pregnant. She told me when my husband came home from deployment she met him with her son and sucked his dick with her son in the car and he dropped them off at some hotel. Like how can a father of three girls do this. How low do you have to feel inside to do something like that. How in the hell can a marriage even work after this.. like will he ever really be over the addiction?

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