Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes


A wife calls me. She discovered her husband has been cheating, with me, and others perhaps. Over the years, I have had to speak with a few other wives/girlfriends of clients. Strangely enough, each of these women share a similar patience towards me, the escort. They do not abuse me over the phone as one would expect. I often hear, “I know it’s your job, and I know you are probably doing it just for money, so I am not upset with you.”

The most heart-breaking part of speaking to the wife of a former client is when I hear the cries of small children in the background of the phone call. Coincidently, the last three wives who contacted me all said at one point, “Can you hold on for a moment?” while they attended to a crying baby or toddler. I hear small children making noise for their Mothers’ attention, while their Mother is emotionally destroyed from discovering her husbands infidelity. It is such a tragic scenario.

Up until recently, I usually was brief if a client’s wife or girlfriend called me. I denied knowing or associating with their husband, and said “This is my job. I see married men all the time and I do not ask about their personal lives. Sorry but there is nothing else I can say.”

But recently, I could not remain stoic with a sad wife who called me. I felt terrible for the woman on the other end of the line. She had just given birth, only to discover her husband’s thirst for other women. I wanted to cry with her for the deception that has ruined her world. What makes everything all the more confusing for these wives is that often their husbands are sweet men –some of my married clients are some of the most kindest, generous and loving type of men. But if someone can risk ruining another persons well-being to benefit themselves, are they really that great? How can someone casually cheat someone they supposedly love? Not all marriage scenarios are the same, however. Indeed, there are many cases I have observed where the husband cheats because he is purely selfish, apathetic and has no sense of appreciating what he has (a.k.a  he’s stuck in the deceptive ‘grass is greener’ fantasy). And then there are other cases where couples have little-to-no sex life at all, nor any sexual chemistry — and then the husband goes to escorts due to sexual deprivation. The reasons are complex, indeed — and moreover, it doesn’t help when one lives in a society that indirectly promotes cheating others for self-gain.

Things Are Not What They Seem: Picture-Perfect Deception?

The irony I have discovered is the fact that many married clients have very beautiful wives. Yes, beautiful women are cheated on commonly. It is only ironic because many people mistakenly believe that being ‘beautiful’ is enough to keep their partner sexually satisfied — women commonly make this wrong assumption. Genuine sexual bonding has very little to do with physical looks — sadly, many people do not realize this. We live in a world where people are lead to believe that sexual chemistry is found in those who appear sexy — appearing ‘sexual’ outwardly has no correlation to being internally sexualit is internal qualities that contributes to the sexual energy transfer between two bodies (a.k.a. chemistry).

Some regular clients show me pictures of their families and their wives. Some even show me their social media, where they have photos of their families. Ironically, many of my married clients have ‘picture perfect’ families. Recently, I googled one of my clients to check if he was using a real name or not. Incidentally, I ended up on the social media of this client’s fiancee. Her entire social media portrayed the picture-perfect life, complete with endless cute photos of her and her hubby-to-be. Sadly, little does she know that her future husband had traveled to another country to meet an escort, me. I imagine that outsiders may look at her life, or others like her, and wish they had what she portrays …..but little do outsiders know that her ‘picture perfect’ relationship consists of a husband who acts on his desires for other women. This only reiterates the realization of how much deception exists in life, especially in a time where people are obsessed with misleadingly showcasing themselves and their ‘lifestyles.’ Outsiders, generally, assume the same for high-class escorts — they assume escorts are satisfied for getting paid to have sex in comfortable settings — they don’t see what happens behind the scenes. I cannot count how many people I’ve met who are depressed because they feel their lives are not measuring up to the ‘perfect’ and ‘glamorous’ lives of people they see in real life or on social media. For such people, I always try to emphasize as much as I can, “Believe me, things are not what they appear to be.”

The Question of “Why Did They Cheat?”

The other day, I decided to share some of these thoughts with a regular married client of mine. I told him about the most recent cases of wives calling me. I have known this client for nearly 6 years now, so I was comfortable to discuss the sensitive subject of “cheating” with him (after all, he is married). We then got into a discussion of “Why?” I asked him, “Why do you come to see me?” Just as he has told me before, he said that him and his wife almost never have sex. Though, since we’ve been meeting over the last 6 years, he did have a baby with his wife between this time. His wife only allowed sex for the purpose of baby-making. I then asked, “What if you and your wife started having sex more often, would you still need to see other women?” He then explained that if he got sex from his wife, he would have no incentive to find it elsewhere. He also added, “But since I met you, it would be difficult to stop seeing you now.” And me, being myself, said, “I hope one day you won’t have to see me anymore.” I then asked about his wife and her sexuality — like many others, she shared the trait of being physically beautiful, yet lacking any desire for sex. What is one to do in this case? There is no simple answer. 

The purpose of writing this post was to share sympathy for wives of cheating husbands. Thank you for understanding that I and other escorts are doing this for money/survival. To married clients, please think twice about how much you are potentially hurting someone — be honest, be real.

If you are the spouse of cheating partner, what was your experience? If you are married man who see’s escorts, how do you justify it?


Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Marriage, Relationships

114 responses to “Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes

  1. Ab Imo Pectore

    Your “sympathy” for the wives & girlfriends being lied to, deceived, manipulated, & cheated on is so generous! Ugh, geez you just feel TERRIBLE, don’t you! The problem is tht sex workers are inarguably *complicit* in this deception. The flimsy excuses you offer like “it’s just my job,” “I do it for money,” “I WISH my clients were honest,” succeed at nothing besides proving what type of human being you are: one perfectly willing to facilitate & enable horrendous cruelty, destruction, falsehood, & most importantly, RISK! And for something as empty, & fleeting as money, no less! There’s nothing glamorous in tht, nothing sexy! Thts cheap, & ugly, & shameful. Tht requires being utterly devoid of integrity, of empathy! Tht requires having exactly zero respect for the girlfriend/wife’s consent! We’re all only given ONE LIFE to live! Doors open, doors close, opportunities pass tht they will never get again, & their consent to willingly miss out on tht unknowable # of different opportunities & lives hinged on the promise of monogamy! (Or at very least HONESTY!) HOW DARE YOU & YOUR SOCIOPATH CLIENTS STEAL FROM THE LIVES OF OTHER HUMAN BEINGS!! How dare you deny another human the ability to make fully informed decisions in THEE ONLY ONE life they will ever lead! You are a conspirator in the exploitation of innocent women. LIVE WITH THT, OR CHANGE.

  2. AnonLady

    for me I wonder if those same men would allow there wives to see escorts if they feel the reasons are because there wives are no longer sexually attracted to them.

    • The Truth

      The harsh reality is that many wives out there are already cheating. It is easy for the wife. She finds the guy who is going to keep his mouth shut for free sex. Then at home she finds ways to aggravate the husband. If we randomly picked 100 couples and investigated them we would discover that the in a majority of those couples both sides are cheating. The man just has pay to make sure the woman keeps her mouth shut.

      • Roma

        True, a woman can easily find free sex, totally free and the man will keep be more than happier and cooperative to keep it wrapped. Men are mature beings and easy to deal with.
        But a man has to pay a sexworker to find a woman who can keep it under wraps. Normal women are emotional and may let loose or feel jealous

  3. roni

    At the end of the day its the oldest industry in the world, men will and always have paid for sex and that will not change. If a married man wants to pay an escort for sex, is the moral compass all of a sudden going to swing? I think not. This is a business where customers pay for a service.

    Their morals can change and they can have a change of heart and be struck by guilt but the industry does not care it simly waits for the next one.

  4. Any Name

    For wives why? In my case my wife just lost interest in me after 13 years of marriage and told me so – we had an amazing sex life and connection. Overnight she’s done with intimacy. I’m 39. She does not want a divorce, I asked her, but refuses all intimacy, wont even sleep in the same bed (in case I dare try to initiate) – not even a hug. My wife is beautiful and I love her, try dealing with that. So I see escorts. I don’t discuss it I’m discreet she does not know or will ever. But it is NOT the same as being with my wife. It’s just mechanics. In fact I generally regret doing it every time. I pick girls who look like her. I pretend it is her. Get them to act it out. Messed up right? I don’t do weird shit just her routine. I’m rattling up some big numbers here of escorts I’ve been with, you can chuckle, but it ain’t funny. I’ve been with so many girls – 100+ easy. I probably need a shrink. I feel my souls drained. I just cant feel love without intimacy so I’m like a gambler chasing even a hint of a win. Don’t even start this fellas. Wives even if you pass up on sex – hugs and kisses suffice. Kiss him every day you’re made. You say just stop, I won’t unless she comes round, I still try to be romantic…who knows…wish I’d never started it…I’m not asking for forgiveness, that ship sailed…just understanding on my pathetic level…the idea men stray just for novel sex might not be the case – it’s love they are chasing. As nice as escorts are there is no love there…be warned!

  5. Thetruth

    [In response to Sara]

    The danger with attacking the men as losers is that it ignores the reality that there are many married women out there who secretly have the “Male friend” who is a convenient sexual partner. Let us be balanced in our analysis.

  6. Sara

    Men who cheat with prostitutes have low self esteem, usually small or below average penises and hate themselves. The hooker is going to lie and tell them how great they are, even though they are disgusting and probably need a handful of viagra to get it up. They’re pathetic. They have to pay money for someone to touch them. Losers, every one, I’m sure.

    • escortdiary


      Men who cheat with prostitutes have low self esteem, usually small or below average penises and hate themselves.

      I would agree that low self-esteem is a trait of cheaters, because the need for external validation is common. However the “small or below average penis” thing is not correct. Any pool of men (cheaters or not) have a variety of sizes and shapes.

      The hooker is going to lie and tell them how great they are

      Not all “hookers” are the same nor behave the same with clients. I personally have not falsely inflated the ego’s of clients.

      They have to pay money for someone to touch them. Losers, every one, I’m sure

      Traditionally, getting a woman and access to her body isn’t free for anyone, so paying to touch a woman is better than not paying. Cheating men are not losers because they paid for sex. What a makes a cheater a loser is the fact they neglected their spouse behind their back.

      It seems like you have been through bad times with a cheater (hence your anger). It’s a very complex issue and I hope to shed more light on it soon.


  7. Lisa R.

    Ladies, let me tell you something. If a man truly
    Has his heart straight with God, then as your “husband”, he will love, honor, and respect you, and not seeking out his sexual escapades elsewhere! In the end we will all stand before God, all of us will be judged on our behavior here on Earth. I’m pretty sure that Our Father in Heaven will ask us what good choices we made here while living on the planet, and what bad choices did we make?! In the end, all of us can only hope that the good outweighs the bad.

    The adult entertainment industry breaks up marriages, and so does pornography and strip joints. It is a sin! If you are okay working in the adult entertainment industry knowing you are contributing to the break up of a marriage, then you need to clearly look at the situation from another perspective. I’m not judging anyone, or putting anyone down that works in the adult entertainment industry, I’m sure there’s many different reasons why people choose this profession.
    There’s plenty of men out there that are contributing to this problem. I know men who regularly have sex with their wives and still seek out escorts. This is the world we live in now. No respect really, for the wives at home, families, or the escorts. Sad!

    On a side note, I also know several men who remain very faithful to God, and also their wives!

    • Thetruth

      Sorry but the reality is that nice guys finish last. The “loyal husband” will get played by his wife. Painful but true.

    • escortdiary


      The adult entertainment industry breaks up marriages, and so does pornography and strip joints. It is a sin! If you are okay working in the adult entertainment industry knowing you are contributing to the break up of a marriage, then you need to clearly look at the situation from another perspective. I’m not judging anyone, or putting anyone down that works in the adult entertainment industry, I’m sure there’s many different reasons why people choose this profession.

      No woman dreams or aspires to be an escort. We don’t actively want to contribute to the ills of society — we come from broken families and the broken aspects of societies. Most escorts are as broken as the married woman who is being cheated on — at the least the married woman isn’t hated by society and has communal sympathy for being a victim of infidelity. Escorts don’t have sympathy, nor have public support. Rather than judge, maybe look at WHY people wind up the way the do?

      Anyway, thank you for commenting. I do agree on some points.


  8. Papple

    Too many people believe they own the sexuality of their spouses.

  9. emoblitz

    The answer to why men like to see escorts is probably very simple, it is in their genes to pass on their genetic material and some of them work harder on this than others. My only remorse is that I have been dishonest to my wife while I take pride in being perfectly honest in other aspects of my life. I still don’t care much because in the end, we are all dead, the ones who judge and the ones that are being judged.

  10. Debirah

    Maybe escorts need to get married to some man they really love then maybe they will know how the wife of the married man they are fucking really feels instead of guessing how that feels! Most men fuck around and it has nothing to do with
    the beautiful wife
    The sexy escort or
    The girlfriend etc.
    Men are just generally unfaithful.
    They want the wife to be faithful
    And the girlfriend
    But it just doesnt apply to them. Hello and
    Period. Too many men are not worth investing trust in. They eventually violate it. Its just the Nature of the beast.
    And snakes bite too cause thats what they do.

    • Thetruth

      The reality of the matter is that people get tired of each other. That does not mean they do not love each other anymore. The woman gets tired of her husband and starts to talk negatively to her husband. The husband has a choice 1)Engage in constant arguments about nothing or 2) Ignore most of the comments and find beautiful escorts who are not going to talk to you negatively.
      Unfortunately, that is the reality of life.

      • escortdiary


        That’s a pathetic justification in my opinion and extremely simplistic thinking.

        Also, what explains husbands whose wives do not behave that way and the husband still cheats? Not all men who cheat with escorts have the same life circumstances and motivations. Moreover, that excuse does not make it justified to hurt another person through lies and cheating.


  11. KI

    I have slept with at least 250 different escorts until now and have always protection. For me it is the thrill of the unknown and the novelty that keeps bringing me back to these women, I cherish the fact that I have slept with beautiful women of all colors and races.

    The answer to why men like to see escorts is probably very simple, it is in their genes to pass on their genetic material and some of them work harder on this than others. My only remorse is that I have been dishonest to my wife while I take pride in being perfectly honest in other aspects of my life. I still dont care much because in the end we are all dead, the ones who judge and the ones that are being judged.

    • escortdiary


      I have slept with at least 250 different escorts until now and have always protection. For me it is the thrill of the unknown and the novelty that keeps bringing me back to these women, I cherish the fact that I have slept with beautiful women of all colors and races.

      You might get some ‘high fives’ from spiritually empty men who think like you, but let me be real: you are seem pathetic, shallow and spiritually empty. What you described tells me that you are living off your impulses — no sense of discipline or depth. I can imagine how empty and dehumanizing your sex life must be…one cannot form the beauty of intimacy when one view’s women as objects to conquer and discard. In Eastern traditions, one who cannot discipline their base desires for sex, food, etc is considered the lowest form of being.

      The answer to why men like to see escorts is probably very simple, it is in their genes to pass on their genetic material and some of them work harder on this than others.

      Sorry, that’s NOT the answer for all men. What you stated is a evolutionary biological theory, which is NOT the only explanation of the human condition. NOT all men are the same, nor have the same outlook, nor have the same motivations. Yes, sex is a natural, internal drive. Yet living based off our human impulses with no discipline or regulation often causes harm to the self and society.

      My only remorse is that I have been dishonest to my wife while I take pride in being perfectly honest in other aspects of my life. I still dont care much because in the end we are all dead, the ones who judge and the ones that are being judged.

      Okay, well not surprised to hear that you are sociopath. Sociopathy (the lack of empathy for the well being of others) is correlated with having no spiritual sense of morality.
      I would suggest you read comments from hurting wives who have commented on this post, but since you selfishly focused on whatever gives you pleasure (hedonism), I won’t bother.


      • TheTruth

        Sahar: It seems like you are forgetting something very important. Secretly, there are plenty of wives out there cheating on their husbands. Sometimes with people in their shared social circles. I would argue that a cheating with a man in your social circles is worse than a husband seeing escorts that no one will ever meet or see. Marriage is a risk for both sides. It is not a fairy tale.

      • escortdiary


        I don’t doubt that at all. Women who cheat are also not justified. Indeed marriage is not a fairytale and can be complicated, especially in today’s world.

  12. Maggie

    I recently ended a 3 month relationship with a narcissistic man because I couldn’t deal with the knowledge that his former wife of 20 years was a prostitute. I just couldn’t grasp the implications of denial and betrayal on that level.
    His story about how, during their married years, they could not attend their child’s school activities, be seen in public, even go out to dinner, was surreal. Their tax issues and other drama, kept the marital relationship impoverished. He surfed and crashed from one financial, romantic, and vocational crisis to the next. Because neither of them respected money, because they didn’t respect how they earned it, they had zero savings and numerous tax liens. His retirement plan was the change jar next to the bed. The final blow to our relationship came when I realized I couldn’t allow him near my adult kids. I came to grips with my real feelings: that anyone that would allow his wife to sell her body for 20 years, at the expense of the marriage that suffered tremendously, could not respect himself either. Borderline or psychotic, I believe.
    So sad, his biggest fear in all of life was that the child they supposedly created together would find out his mother was a prostitute. What would that say about him?

    • escortdiary


      Thank you for commenting and sharing your story.

      I am not sure what to say because there is limited details about this man and what made him a narcissist. You didn’t mention him treating you bad. What you described were just traits that you found undesirable him, such as being married to a prostitute or him not making wise financial decisions. Those traits you described do not make him a narcissist. Perhaps you have omitted details, or perhaps you are confused on what makes someone a narcissist..? If he was, for instance, pimping out his wife (living off her bodily earnings), then yes he certainly has some sort of anti-social personality disorder.

      In any event, I wish you the best. Please feel free to answer my q’s or elaborate if you wish.


  13. HIS wife is JILL


    • escortdiary

      @HIS wife is JILL

      This sounds really messy. I hope you find peace. I had to delete the names you wrote in the comment, because my blog is not a place to expose random strangers. I am not sure why you chose to vent furiously on my blog?

      I understand you are upset, but not all escorts are the same. Just like any other population of people, there are good and bad.

      I wish you well

  14. Cheryl

    The man I have been dating for a year has a history with escorts. I noticed he followed quite a few on social media, so I stopped following him so I would not see it anymore.
    I believe he started to see escorts during his sexless marriage. I discovered his online name and can see that he stills logs into and looks at escorts on a daily basis. Is it possible that he is just looking?
    We have great sex. Even after a fantastic, erotic weekend, he will go online Monday morning to check the escort boards. We are both in our 50’s and there is no way I can compare to women who are his daughter’s age (20’s).
    I really love this guy, and he treats me so well. But I feel it would be a mistake to move in with him as he is suggesting. I don’t want to ask about the escorts because I know he will probably deny it and just hide it better.
    What are your thoughts?

    • escortdiary

      Hi Cheryl,

      Thank you for commenting, and I am sorry to hear the circumstances you are facing.

      It sounds like quite the dilemma for you. How are you so sure he is just browsing? Sorry to say, but I wouldn’t be so trusting.I have seen all the sneaky ways that men cheat….

      It may be the case that he is still a ‘naughty little boy’ that needs some discipline to make him see what’s more important. BUT, it could also be the case that he has an addiction to porn/escorts/etc and he is a closeted CREEP/PERVERT. In any case, what he is doing is DISRESPECTING you. I personally would not tolerate that. If it were me, I would tell him to chase this fantasies and then LEAVE HIS ASS. And if he begged and pleaded, I would go full dominatrix mode, physically chastise him and make sure that he NEVER disrespects me again. Of course, I am sure you are not extreme and aggressive like me ….

      In any event, you need to confront him. He needs to respect you and demonstrate that. And if he cannot respect you, then how good can he really be? As I said, there is a chance he will feel genuine remorse and will actively change. But some men WON’T change and won’t care about your well being. You will only know once you confront him and see IF he actually GENUINELY changes (and you will have to keep your guard up, because some partners are truly FAKE and only change temporarily until things settle down). A good thing to keep in mind is this: words mean nothing.

      There is a former client who’s wife contacted me a few years back. He disappeared after that for some years. In recent months, he is now trying to see me. I keep rejecting him, telling him to stop cheating (despite he has been caught), but he still keeps trying periodically. I feel so sorry that his wife is married to a scumbag like him. The point is ….a shark never stops being a predator (hopefully your partner is not a shark!)

      I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you. Keep me updated with how things go.

      With love

  15. Michelle

    I was initially okay when I found out that my husband was seeing escorts because I guess I assumed that it was because the sexual and emotional aspect of our relationship was lacking. So I changed. I poured every fiber of my emotional and physical being into him. He changed too; he became more attentive, more caring, more present. I actually thought for a while that the escorts were cathartic for our relationship… until I found out that he never stopped seeing them.
    Although it makes me feel extremely inadequate, I think I’ve stopped being angry and hurt about it. There’s obviously nothing I can say or do that will make him stop. And my desire for transparency within the relationship re: “just let me know–i won’t judge you” has simply caused him to be sneakier about his hobby.

    What hurts me the most is the reality that a majority of escorts don’t appear to be as kind as yourself. I’m a little taken aback by the wife-shaming culture that is so prevelant on the escort boards. There was actually a very recent thread about calls/texts from SOs, and none of the escorts that replied seemed to give a flying pig about the significant other’s hurt. Their tactic for dealing with wives was to either ignore them or to call them crazy.

    Last week, I thought that maybe I could join him for one of his sessions with his favorite. Maybe it would be an exciting experience and this could be something that we could do *together*, I thought. He liked that idea, too. His favorite, however, made is abundantly clear that she didn’t think I was pretty enough to tag along. Then, right after she called me ugly she made her availability for a solo session with him quite clear. If anything, for me, that experience solidified how little a majority of escorts think of wives.
    … I dont know, it just takes my hurt to a whole new level to know that the women my husband is sleeping with haven’t the absolute least bit of sympathy for me.

    • escortdiary

      Hi Michelle,

      Thank you for commenting. I am sorry to hear what you have gone through and experienced.

      I was initially okay when I found out that my husband was seeing escorts because I guess I assumed that it was because the sexual and emotional aspect of our relationship was lacking. So I changed. I poured every fiber of my emotional and physical being into him. He changed too; he became more attentive, more caring, more present. I actually thought for a while that the escorts were cathartic for our relationship… until I found out that he never stopped seeing them.

      That must have been devastating.

      What hurts me the most is the reality that a majority of escorts don’t appear to be as kind as yourself. I’m a little taken aback by the wife-shaming culture that is so prevelant on the escort boards. There was actually a very recent thread about calls/texts from SOs, and none of the escorts that replied seemed to give a flying pig about the significant other’s hurt. Their tactic for dealing with wives was to either ignore them or to call them crazy.

      Let me tell you right here boldly: The majority of men who write and comment on ESCORT REVIEW BOARDS/FORUMS are SOCIOPATHS, or have some other anti-social personality disorder. These self-proclaimed ‘punters’ are NOT the opinion of all men or all clients IN REAL LIFE, so please understand not all men have such disgusting, toxic and hateful perspectives about women.

      I will tell you why the escorts on the escort forums ALSO seem complicit with the toxic viewpoints: This is because ANY escort on a review board will express herself in a way that will attract POTENTIAL clients from these forums. In other words, the escorts on review boards ARE COMPLETELY BIASED AND will be very careful to FILTER what they really think about clients on these forums. It’s sad that these escorts do not realize that the worst type of client are ones who frequent review boards. I briefly joined a escort forum nearly 10 years ago overseas. The lady moderator called me when I joined (this was the policy to verify escorts), and this lady instructed me, “Let’s keep the chatter civil and keep the clients happy in the chats, because then it helps all the girls businesses. We have a private chat for ladies only when you want to express what you REALLY think.” In the private lady’s only chat, escorts would LAUGH and say how disgusted they were at the hateful opinions expressed by men on these forums.

      Last week, I thought that maybe I could join him for one of his sessions with his favorite. Maybe it would be an exciting experience and this could be something that we could do *together*, I thought. He liked that idea, too. His favorite, however, made is abundantly clear that she didn’t think I was pretty enough to tag along. Then, right after she called me ugly she made her availability for a solo session with him quite clear. If anything, for me, that experience solidified how little a majority of escorts think of wives.
      … I dont know, it just takes my hurt to a whole new level to know that the women my husband is sleeping with haven’t the absolute least bit of sympathy for me.

      That lady must be so hollow and bitter inside to call you ‘ugly.’ By attempting to hurt your self-esteem she is projecting her insecurities onto you, which helps her feel better about herself. Sorry you had to experience that. It is a blessing in disguise that you didn’t have to go through with seeing an escort with your husband.

      I am concerned for you. All I see, from what you wrote, is that you are catering to your husbands needs. He is acting selfish, and ignoring your needs. You seem like an amazing woman who has much too offer, and yet you’re wasting your energies on a selfish man who doesn’t acknowledge your emotional well-being. You expressed that this has hurt you, and he doesn’t seem to even care. Forget him! Forget HIS needs! WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? Don’t neglect yourself dear.

      I don’t know the whole story of your marital circumstances, so my advice is limited. However, you need to stand up for yourself. Surely it seems you cannot tolerate your husband seeing other escorts for the rest of your life? Please see a therapist trained in infidelity who can give you some insight. I really hope your husband can change, but please also prepare for the fact that he won’t change. In any event, you need to put your well-being first for once. Your husband is going to other women for comfort, but where do you go to find comfort? Ask yourself this.

      I wish you the best, and please feel free to write back and keep us updated,

      With love,

  16. Aphrodite

    Dear Sahar,
    It’s good to hear you didn’t experience a lot of abuse from wives or girlfriends.
    On the other side, I understand why partners are being hurt.
    It’s easily to imagine they’d become very angry at you.
    The biggest fear of the women I’ve known in escort were other women, the police, other authorities and jealous boyfriends/husbands.
    One person I know experienced violence first hand from ‘normal women’, as she called them. She had to move several times.
    Maybe it depends on the ‘type’ of sex worker you are?
    She had been a window prostitute for a long time.

    I often felt guilty when a man became too ‘loving’.
    Thank God, I’ve never been treated badly.
    Yet I preferred a quick fuck over a ‘girlfriend-boyfriend’-experience.
    Just fucking without any attachment.
    Too much kissing and hugging,…
    ‘Can’t you just keep if for your wife? She deserves it. ‘
    In my mind I had this arbitrary boundary that these actions were ‘relationship-based’, so I avoided them whenever I could and tried to divert the action into mere fucking, preferably rougher action.

    If it was a man whom I believed to be single, I had less problems with all that. Not that I try to justify my actions.
    What happened has happened.
    I know better now.

    • escortdiary


      Thank you for sharing that sweetheart.

      “It’s good to hear you didn’t experience a lot of abuse from wives or girlfriends.
      On the other side, I understand why partners are being hurt.
      It’s easily to imagine they’d become very angry at you.
      The biggest fear of the women I’ve known in escort were other women, the police, other authorities and jealous boyfriends/husbands.
      One person I know experienced violence first hand from ‘normal women’, as she called them. She had to move several times.
      Maybe it depends on the ‘type’ of sex worker you are?
      She had been a window prostitute for a long time.”

      Well, context matters —who, what, when, where, etc. Most rational wives probably understand that escorts are not actively trying to steal their man, but rather are focused on making a living. I can understand, though, how some wives would blame women like us, because they, like most outsiders, assume we, being prostitutes, are not capable of any goodness. And just like all groups of people, there are good and bad. There are prostitutes who indeed are scandalous and have no sense of morality when it comes to getting personal with married men. So, surely in such a case, a wife would be hostile to the escort.

      “I often felt guilty when a man became too ‘loving’.
      Thank God, I’ve never been treated badly.
      Yet I preferred a quick fuck over a ‘girlfriend-boyfriend’-experience.
      Just fucking without any attachment.
      Too much kissing and hugging,…
      ‘Can’t you just keep if for your wife? She deserves it. ‘
      In my mind I had this arbitrary boundary that these actions were ‘relationship-based’, so I avoided them whenever I could and tried to divert the action into mere fucking, preferably rougher action.”

      I know what you mean. But as you know, … most married men want the love and romance part!

      Well wishes


  17. I am the spouse of a cheater.
    My husband has confessed slowly a few occasions of visiting prostitutes and massage parlors. The initial pain was the knowledge that he was unfaithful to me. We are trying to continue in our marriage with our 5 year old and 3 year old.
    Right now, I’m our marriage, it’s the lies, the partial truths, the non transparent details he admits to that hurts the most because yet again, I believed another lie. At least 3 of them and I’m sure that there is more he has not admitted to or there is a bigger picture to what he has admitted to.
    To the escorts he was with, I hold nothing against them. It’s what they do to make money and I’m sure they don’t feel great with themselves sometime during their life because of their past. My husband sought them out. My husband knew what he was risking.
    Unfortunately he has left his family in much pain and a major loss of trust.
    I question myself on how I could stay with the person who has caused me the most pain I have ever suffered in my entire life.
    My kidney stones and child birth had pills to take away the pain. There is no pill to take away the pain I am currently suffering through.

    • escortdiary

      @Hurting Wife,

      Thank you for sharing that. I am deeply sorry what you have experienced, and I feel your pain. It’s scary to know there are ‘adults’ who can effortlessly cheat and betray others. It disgusting. Sure, mistakes can be made, but it is not a mistake the second time.

      I really understand what you mean when you mention how physical pain has medicine to take away the pain, but there is no medicine to cure emotional pain. The good news is emotional pain CAN heal, it just takes time. You deserve a husband that respects YOU and your children. If you husband cannot respect or value you through DEMONSTRATIVE CHANGED BEHAVIOR (IN ACTION ONLY), then you need to consider change. Have you spoken to a therapist?

      I wish you the best,


  18. Lillian

    Wait, are men’s needs the only ones worth satisfying? What about women’s needs?

    I am a woman whose husband seeks out hookers. It hurts. And now I have a need too. Will you help me? I will pay and since you take payments to fulfill needs, you can help, right?

    All I want is for you to push me off a bridge. Or put a bullet in my head. Or inject me with enough drugs to cause an overdose. End my pain that won’t go away. It’s the least you can do. If you can help him, you can help me. After you roll out of bed with him, put on your shoes and come find me.

    • escortdiary


      I am so sorry for what has happened to you. Please don’t give up. You are not alone. So many women are suffering due to severe harm caused by their cheating partner. Are you able to seek out counselling or a support group? You seem to be stuck in a really dark place, and everything seems hopeless. Things can brighten up, but you just have to change the variables in your life. I don’t know the full extent of your situation, but have you thought about leaving your partner? You deserve much better than your husband. Your husband demonstrateivly doesn’t care about your well-being. Staying with an un-empathetic husband as you have described may not allow you to heal. There are a lot of resources for women in your position. Have you tried online support groups for women who have faced abuse, infidelity and other neglect? Know that your feelings are justified and normal given how you have been severely mistreated and harmed — but the good news is that you can heal with time. Those feelings are only temporary, and change can occur. Just like nature, growth means that the plant must endure rain, storms, clouds and then sunshine to bloom — this is no different than the human condition.

      Long ago in 2011 I believe, I wrote a post on here that spoke about the escort (women like me) versus the wife — who suffers more? Indeed suffering cannot be measured. I realized both the wife and the escort are on the same boat — the only person winning in the married-client-escort equation is the CLIENT. The married client gets the ‘best of both’ worlds while exploiting the escort’s body/dignity, which in turn harms her well-being, and he is also severely harming the entire well-being of his wife by cheating her and breaking her trust. A married client is truly the mark of sociopathy, narcissism and even psychopathy in some cases.

      Sending blessings to you,


    • Woodbine

      Dear Lillian,

      I hear a lot of pain and anger in your message – Pain for a marriage contract broken. Perhaps anger for your unmet need for trust. I hear your message as a request to side with you. One would guess this pain is mutual between you and your husband. Or it could be the two of you are just very different sorts and did not realize it before you got married. It is no fault of either you or your husband. It would be tragic you did not figure that out sooner but now a great release from the pain and anger.

      It is much more likely your relationship does not understand how to be emotionally supportive. At least 80% of successful marriages DO NOT see eye to eye on the bigger issues of marriage like children, child raising, work, sex, etc. still these same people learn to live with their differences to build a neutering relationship. As an escape valve there are many many of ways that people men and woman seek support out side of a relationship when their needs are not met within that relationship. It is very difficult skill to learn; to be emotionally present for a partner when that partner reaches for you. Just as it is a difficult learned skill to reach emotionally for a partner. These are learned and practiced as skills which create and reinforce bonds. They are a lifetime of work in progress. No one gets an instruction book or a free pass; we all make lots of mistakes.

      I also hear a lot of violence. Violence directed at your self, the world, your spouse, the author of this blog, her community of brave and misunderstood members a vibrant and interconnected society. To some degree or another Violence plays an integral part in our love relationships for each and every one of us. It’s a paradox we have been exposed to since birth. See the effects on a baby and adult alike in the contact section of this blog. Because of the prevalence of violence we don’t see how violent we can be to those we love and depend so heavily on – like a spouse because we equate such violent neglect as love and discipline. Often partners will say I’m glad you hurt then you will know how I feel. Anger and love do not drive violence – violence drives violence.

      Unfortunately a lot of modern marriage counseling foresters aspects of violence with contracts, deals that separate people emotionally instead of offer them the skills to bond and support each other. In fact one could argue it is our very upbringing of the equating of violence with love that marriage counselors teach walking away instead of being empathetic towards a partner that is most destructive not the relationship turned toxic. This separatist therapy intensifies the toxicity because all partners want, is to know, their partner is there for them when they are in need and attempt to call or reach for support. In your message I also hear this call for support and understanding from those closets to you and total strangers outside your relationship here found.

      Hopefully you can find peace and ease in dealing with life’s challenges. Each day is a struggle but the more we know about how our humanness works the more we can seek out the emotional skills that make relationships much more than contracts. The audio clip below has two key points. I have not read the man’s book but thought that his commentary on marriage may be helpful to you. Hoping you and your partner can find answers to your painful anger through peace and connection not violence…


  19. Britz Lopez

    With most real life dates and companionship, it comes unsaid that there are some form of commitments and expectations. But with sex dolls, there are no strings attached. Use it when you want to and store it away when you do not wish to use it anymore. When you use a sex doll for pleasure, you cut away from all forms of emotional attachments and commitments. To have more fun, you should choose dolls made from the highest quality of materials. They feel like real people and you too would gain sexual freedom as well.

    • escortdiary

      @britz lopez

      What a terrible, inhumane trend. Some men already use REAL women as if they are objects/robots (ie: just a body they can use when they want and discard when they want). And its already a trend for women to behave in robotic ways themselves — transforming themselves in a ‘doll’ or model with cosmetic surgery, all clones of each other with the same predictable tastes and mannerisms. Sex dolls are a disturbing consequence of a culture that creates sociopathy/apathy towards human bonding. Porn has ruined humanity and has normalized women valued as inhumane objects. It’s taught men that sex can be depersonalized from a persons soul. This hurts everyone in the end result.

      • Mike

        Sexual liberation is a far better outcome than the barbaric raping and pillaging of the past. And you, a sex worker, should know this.

        In some comments you adhere men to this golden standard, where most of them can resist their biological urges and the minority who are unfaithful are scum, yet, you chastise @Britz Lopez because some men can’t distinguish between a sex toy and a real human.

        Which one is it, are most men level headed and trustworthy (and therefor, can handle a sex toy) or are they weak and pathetic (and therefore justified in cheating because that’s how men are biologically built)? .

      • escortdiary

        Huh? Nothing is black and white, nor have I implied that.

  20. Lizzy

    I have a boyfriend and we just got our first daughter 4 months ago. I found out that he was using escort service when I just gave birth after a week which really upsetted me and broke my heart. I never thought that he would actually pay for sex just because he wasn’t getting it from because I just gave birth. He never even discussed it with me because he thought it was OK to cheat me behind my back and it was OK because what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Unfortunately one fine day his phone screen was not locked and I saw his messages and was surprised the name of the person whom he texted has the word “escort” and I was just in denial at first until I decided to find out the truth before it would just bother my mind. True enough that night I checked his phone and found out that he used escort service. I was really broken hearted that night I couldn’t sleep and the thought of how he would do that to me despite I just had his child. How disgusting of him. All the while he acted so nice in front of me and see what he does behind my back. The next morning I confronted him while I was breastfeeding my baby and I cried while I asked him did he use escort service. He said yes because we couldn’t have sex. The thought of him having sex with another woman when he was still with me and I just had his child totally disgusted me and I just feel he is the lowest man on earth. He defended himself and said that he had his needs and he just wanted to get it over fast and he said it equals the same with masturbation. I just feel this is the worst betrayal that I got from a man. He said he loves me and he wants to be with me and our baby and that was over. I still couldn’t get that thought out of my mind until today because if I knew he is this kind of man, I wouldn’t even want to be with him let alone have his child. We are still together but I am not as happy as before.

    • Chris

      You feel betrayed by physical act of sex with someone else. Look at it different way. Getting sex for free on dating sites is like shooting fish in a barrel. By your husband paying for he’s not paying for sex. He’s paying for no strings. He loves you but physically needs more that you’re can provide sexually. He doesn’t want a woman falling for him so he pays her not too. You have his heart, you have him as a father, you have him supporting family, you have him supporting you emotionally. You’d rather not think of him with another woman I get that. But he could be really be cheating on you with a woman wants what he gives you and he’s giving it to her while distancing himself from you.

      in an odd way he’s saving the marriage. The alternative that I’ve witnessed is the guy won’t do this. Gets bitter depressed. The marriage falls apart. They sperate and he moves on to repeat it. My friend is like that. He’s on his 4th marriage now. He’s never cheated. He divorces first. Me I got permission from my wife to find a mistress. We talked about it. She had no sex drive and my pestering her for sex just made her miserable. So she let me play. So I didn’t play at first. The strings attached I wanted to avoid. An escort would be a solution but no escorts where I live and really don’t have the cash to spend a grand on a escort.

      • Lillian

        What does it mean to have someone’s heart when they’re spending 80% of their mental energy looking, finding and working to pay off a hooker. Lucky us to have heart of that guy. Never heard of a man who sleeps with a hooker once and the rest of the time he spends adoring and loving his wife and family. It’s more like he spends free time at work and home looking up different escorts to sleep with, counts his cash on payday and sets aside for the hooker while telling his wife (who works too) that he doesn’t have money for food or clothing, gets home and plays fantasy football with his friends, eats, poops and maybe throws a kiss or two at her way while ignoring her when she talks and calls that intimacy and wonders why his wife has a drop is desire. You may think he’s paying for NSA, but if all his time is spent fantasizing he is taking away from intimacy with his wife. Contrary to the messages articles like these and men who illicit hookers try to propagate, Men don’t have endless romantic and sexual energy. It hurts the relationship.

        One great way to ensure your wife has no sex drive is to cheat on her.

      • escortdiary

        Dear Lillian,

        Thank you so much for sharing that. One of the most common things that married men tell me is that their wife is no longer interested in sex, yet your perspective gives much insight to the wife’s perspective. The husband you have described is behaving truly selfish and apathetic (the opposite of empathic). How did you respond to his behavior?

        I will respond to your other comment.


    • C Alan

      I am not condoning what he did, but look at this at a slightly different angle. No doubt in the last few weeks of your pregnancy, intimacy between you two will have been physically awkward, if not non-existent.
      Then, after the birth, you may have had an episiotomy and you would have needed time to heal. This often takes at least 6 weeks or so (my wife did). So, your husband has probably had no physical intimacy for quite some time, quite a break, especially if you were quite sexually active before getting pregnant.
      Bear in mind, that some inconsiderate husbands, just after a birth, insist on sex even before their wives are physcically or emotionally ready to reciprocate. I assume you husband did not.
      Then, there is the psychological side, in which all your attention and affection (quite rightly) is focussed on the new baby.
      As a result, you husband will have felt marginalised and isolated, and visiting a sex worker was his way of relieving these tensions.
      To me, the real test is whether or not your sex life has gone back to normality, and at the same time, his visits to a sex worker have stopped.

      • WTF MEN?!

        @C Alan

        Oh poor husband. He can’t have sex because his partner is too busy growing another person then expelling it from her body, producing food and healing from pushing a human out of her body! That is a cop out, the woman is doing all the work and bearing all the health and physical repercussions of having a child, all the husband is physically burdened with is not having sex for a while. Compared to what the woman went through that is nothing. If a woman can handle the challenge of dealing with the physical changes that pregnancy and nursing bring, the man can easily not have sex with another woman for a few months. It shows a complete lack of self-control, compassion, and a lot of unaddressed psychological issues on the part of the man if they can’t stop themselves from cheating. Yes it sucks to have your sex life change after and during a pregnancy. It is definitely a big change and more couples should have sex/relationship counseling post-baby or at least have regular non-judgmental honest conversations instead of complaining and blaming the other person or remaining silent. I These men don’t accept responsibility for their actions and blame the wife, which is wrong because sometimes childbirth causes physical trauma that makes sex painful for them or hormonal changes can have permanent lasting, effects on their sex drives.

        Some couples are willing to have open relationships, where the woman is fine with the man engaging sex workers/girlfriends/ or casual sex for the sake of their family and marriage. If there is a sex drive mismatch, where one person has a greater sex drive than the other, than can be the coffin nail in the relationship . It is heart-breakingly sad to me to see women who desperately want a loving monogamous relationship accepting the fact that their husbands/partners are sleeping with other women even though it kills them inside. They ought to leave and find a man who can control his baser urges, and consider more than his own needs. The men the wives talk about on this site should really not be in relationships. They seem horribly selfish and like they are trying to get their way to the detriment of everyone else in their lives. Many of them probably have daughters. What would they say if their daughter’s man had no respect for her, treated her like dirt and agreed to a monogamous relationship only to back out when it got slightly difficult? By cheating, sleeping around , lying and disrespecting they are paving the way for future dingdongs and losers to treat their daughters, sisters, cousins, friends, grand daughters etc… like that. By denying that your scummy behavior is unacceptablt We should change the definition of masculinity to exclude hypersexulity, disrespect and sleeping with tons of women to being kind and considerate and respectful to women and rising above the instinct to sleep around.
        Also don’t blame the sex workers. It’s just their job, to these men women are replaceable. If it is not one sex worker, these cheaters will just find another sex worker or a woman at a bar etc… They WANT to cheat and they will find a way, it’s not the other woman that’s the problem in your relationship it’s the man. The other woman might be a bad person, but to this man she is replaceable, if it’s not this one it would be another one. Women will often spend too much time fighting with the other woman and blaming her to avoid the truth that the man is deeply flawed and their marriage/relatioship might be over. At least Sahar chooses her clients, a less privileged sex worker might be forced to sleep with your husband against her will because found an unscrupulous pimp and he paid.

      • escortdiary

        @ WTF MEN

        Well written response! I agree 100%.

        It is heart-breakingly sad to me to see women who desperately want a loving monogamous relationship accepting the fact that their husbands/partners are sleeping with other women even though it kills them inside.


        They ought to leave and find a man who can control his baser urges, and consider more than his own needs.

        Yep. Decent men who practice and value self-discipline do exist!

        The men the wives talk about on this site should really not be in relationships. They seem horribly selfish and like they are trying to get their way to the detriment of everyone else in their lives.

        Yes, it is due to either being a sociopath OR literally having the emotional intellect of a toddler (the “me me me” attitude).

        What would they say if their daughter’s man had no respect for her, treated her like dirt and agreed to a monogamous relationship only to back out when it got slightly difficult? By cheating, sleeping around , lying and disrespecting they are paving the way for future dingdongs and losers to treat their daughters, sisters, cousins, friends, grand daughters etc… like that.

        The reality is these specific type of men who engage in cheating/exploiting others often do not care about the well-being of their womenfolk. Their care is often superficial (artificial). In Arabic, they are known as dayooth (men who do not have protective care for women).

        At least Sahar chooses her clients, a less privileged sex worker might be forced to sleep with your husband against her will because found an unscrupulous pimp and he paid.

        Yes. Glad that you noticed this distinction. Most sex workers find zero joy in servicing their clients, and I often wonder how some clients can contribute to this exploitation without any concern for the sex worker or the wife he is cheating on.

        Anyway, on a brighter note, let’s be thankful for the decent men and women out there who are trying to improve, understand and care for others.

        Thank you so much for commenting and I hope to see your contributions again.


    • Dee

      Lillian, I was in the same place as you several years back. I caught my ex husband cheating with escorts. We had two small kids. He was obsessed with escorts and spent every waking moment searching for new ones, reviewing them on review sites, writing on the bulletin boards for Johns, etc.
      He made great money but he saved every dime to feed his habit, we had utilities cut off for non payment while he was paying 500 an hour to cheat on me. It was torture for me. I tried to save the marriage for my kid’s sake but finally realized he was really sick and would never change. Now I am with a wonderful man who really loves me and my ex is dying of jealousy. Lillian, Karma will get him.
      In my case, the escorts were really amazing. They hated him so much they gave me evidence for my divorce and I became good friends with two of them One paid a huge electric bill for me when she found out my electricity was going to be cut off. That night, she threw me a birthday party and invited all my friends. The madam at the biggest agency in town blacklisted him so he couldn’t find a girl at most of the agencies in town.
      Lillian, he is your enemy. Get rid of that bastard and start over. I never knew how good life could be until I divorced the cheating asshole. I know it feels like hell now, but I swear you will get through this and make him sorry. Don’t lower yourself to his level by engaging in his games with other women. He would only use it against you in divorce court.

      • Woodbine

        Dear Dee

        I want to thank you for writing this note which I have been pondering for some time because I find your insights and experiences with people comforting. One thing I have noticed since Sahar’s breakup with her fiancé is her essays seem to deal with how she can have a bonded loving relationship given that she has had this Polyamory life style that does not stereotypically conform to wife. As her years are advancing the possibility of having children within such as supportive relationship as marriage is decreasing – Very frightening for someone if they want that.

        Your story is about your marriage that was threatened by her profession and how you managed to build community with that threat and found new relationships that supported your self preservation and the well being of your children. Some may see Sahar and her colleagues in the same light as your ex-husband philandering, cheating, assholes and jerks. Yet you said your ex-husband’s, “… escorts were really amazing.”

        I’m guessing what was most important to you was; knowing that your attachment figure (husband in this case) could be there for you. Sex was inconsequential he could have just as easily been being emotionally detached and heading the family to bankruptcy associated with any number of behaviors; betting on the ponies, failed real-estate ventures, workaholic, fascination with fast cars, not coming home, etc. The root problem was he was not reliable either emotionally or financially. Another way to explain why you divorced him was he met his needs at the expense of his wife and children. He could have just as easily been buying fast cars not sex. If I did not hear that the way you intended, please let me know.

        Your note stands out in this Blog because it does not accuse prostitutes of being broken people, greedy, or destroying the well being of community and marriages. Quite the contrary, two of these seeming worthless destructive prostituted creatures are now family friends! How is that possible because in a perfect world neither religious leaders nor doctors can for fill the self preservation needs of everyone? When asked by a sex worker colleague, ‘should or how can a prostitute the support every jilted wife?’ Sahar basically gave the same advice to as His Holiness the Dalai Lama, “You can’t” but one can acknowledge their emotional pain or pain from, say starvation, simply by a smile, nod or bow.

        In your life experience this relationship of nod with prostitutes flourished into a bonding attachment which now includes your family and new husband. So I’m hearing a love of whores as a vital part of community. True, sex workers by their work are social non-conformists but that does not deprive them of family, secure bonded relationships, spouses and children. Diana Diamond’s words bear repeating, “As for the non-conformists, the list of mates is far more limited, but it makes it easier, doesn’t it?”

        Dee what I get from your essay is the important features a secure bonded relationship; are being able to be reliable, predictable and there when either reaches for one anther. It is as true of a spouse, child, parent, partner or friend. It is gratifying to know that there are non-conformist like you who welcome sex workers into family and in all likelihood there is a husband waiting for Sahar who accepts her and loves her for the secure attachment bond they can create regardless of her Polyamory way.

        Thank you for the love and community you have been able to create. Woodbine.

      • escortdiary


        Your comments are very confusing sometimes. You also write as if you know what I am trying to say, but your assumptions are often wrong. Perhaps try to ask questions rather than assuming you know what I and other commenters are thinking.

        I still appreciate and welcome your well thought comments, but try to be more clear and concise in the point you are trying to make.

        Well wishes

      • Woodbine

        Dear Dee,

        I was hoping you would have responded to my note before Sahar chimed in. I was hoping that; because your note here provides a different perspective. It creates an alterative to the prostitute bashing. In fact you represent the professionals you dealt with as being amazing people some of whom became friends. Your representation your fiends the prostitutes does not fit the stereo type of the economically trapped or person broken by social circumstances (family of origin, abuse etc.) so often used to stigmatize sex workers.

        While your case is unique in that these sex workers actually gave you financial support when your family’s electricity was being cut off their care and concern for others is so characteristic people who have very deep concern for secure attachment and well being manifest in community. No prostitute, religious leader or politician can give aid to every person the way your whore friends did for you. We (they) would be overwhelmed and backrupted if we (they) did. Profession does not determine if every one of us can nod understanding and compassion to those in pain. Simply some people are able to have compassion and perhaps others may have had compassion mistrusted out of them.

        I’m hearing you were able to give a nod of compassion to your ex-husband. Like the Dalai Lama or Sahar there was only so much of you that can be given. So in the end after giving everything you had; a nod of compassion to him had to suffice. In fact the professionals laypeople go to for support most often just give a nod and take the collection (€ € $ $ ₹ ₹ PKR CHF ¥ ¥ £ £). If they have the ability to extend compassion it does not matter whether they are therapists, prostitutes or religious leaders, they most often simply nod.

        In spite of a bad experience with marriage you seem to embrace life from a protective of love not apprehension and fear of others.

        Hears hoping you will continue to spread your message of secure attachment and good cheer here on Sahar’s Blog and throughout community. Woodbine

  21. John1882

    How do I justify seeing escorts? Well, I really think me and my ex wife didn’t have good sexual connection. We both enjoyed sex with each other but I always felt like something was missing. When we had problems in are marriage I hooked up with a stripper it cought me off guard. At this point in my life I had only been with 2 woman. I had never meet someone be for that desiered me sexually so much. From hear on I have seen a lot of escorts chasing a sexual high. It felt like a need not a want any more. The said part is now I am devorcied but not over seeing any escorts. My ex wife never knew all the escorts only about one girl. When are marriage was ending I aske if she thought i was cheating and she said “Nope”. I felt like crap for getting away with it. She has left me for onther man so i take it on the chin and stand tall. Karma will allways find you.

  22. TRU

    It was the worst pain a women could ever feel.. it completely breaks you with in seconds. My husband has done nothing but blame me for his mistakes. I have now realized it’s not my fault, but I still ask myself why over and over again. I’m attractive…. I love sex… I’m good at giving head… what’s wrong with me. The escort I met was 8 months pregnant. She told me when my husband came home from deployment she met him with her son and sucked his dick with her son in the car and he dropped them off at some hotel. Like how can a father of three girls do this. How low do you have to feel inside to do something like that. How in the hell can a marriage even work after this.. like will he ever really be over the addiction?

    • Jason


      First, the woman you are describing sounds a little bit like a street walker rather than a courtesan.

      Second–and it is a poor analogy–I love the United States of America. There are a lifetime of beautiful things to see. And there is 0 chance of me ever wanting to be a citizen of another country. But every now and then, I do have a desire to travel. Tahiti for its beauty. Iceland because it is exotic. Eastern Europe because it takes me back to a fun time in my life. The Inca trail, not because it is beautiful or sophisticated, but because it is rough and challenging. North Korea just because it is forbidden. But I will live and die and be buried in the United States.

      Third, who knows why your husband is into a woman that sounds like a street walker. But, I’m sure it has nothing to do with your beauty or performance. I know that this probably sounds stupid and is like the godfather saying it’s not personal before you are killed, but it probably not something you should take personally.

  23. Oh my goodness. Crying at the beauty of what you said!

  24. I know it would be hard for most wives to understand, but seeing an escort may be the safest manner that a husband has for channeling his inner tensions. If he sees an escort, it is likely that they will not form a personal relationship, as would occur if he had an affair. Escorts will also usually be taking precautions for safe sex that many people would not in the context of an affair.
    For a man, seeing an escort may be somewhat like the masculine equivalent of going for a therapy session, not “cheating” on his wife.
    This I have learned in my foray into sensual massage.
    I had one client who seemed very attracted to me and with whom I had explosive chemistry. He came to see me twice in a month. I practically had an orgasm just from him touching my breast. I decided that I wanted to play more with him on my personal time. I let him know that I was open to that prospect, and I thought he would want to, as he seemed so hungry for me.
    He told me respectfully that he was very attracted to me, thought I was incredible, and would love that, but he was married and had not intended to form any kind of personal relationship. The personal connection was powerful for both of us, so he felt it would be better not to see me anymore.
    That was fine with me, but I felt the incident illustrated that most men are not trying to threaten their marriage or replace their wife by seeking sensual services. In fact sensual services such as massage or the services of an escort are a lot more therapeutic for men than most people are willing to acknowledge. This is the problem with ghettoizing sex work; society cannot acknowledge the strength of the healing than can take place within this age old modality.

    • Thomas

      I agree with you Pua Nani. It is therapeutic on many levels!


    • TheTruth

      It is very true. Escorts are therapist if you are seeing the proper ones. What actually happens is that you gain a better perspective of what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Let us be honest, a wife may not tell you everything she is thinking. An escort will talk to you about feelings they have had in relationships and if you listen you learn. Women do not like escorts because they know that men will learn quite a bit about how women think when they see and get to know some of the more sophisticated escorts.

      • escortdiary

        Good point @Thetruth

        Some escorts, indeed, provide a therapeutic service both physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

  25. Aphrodite

    Dear Sahar,
    I’ve read this post and the comments with great interest.
    The comments written down are as informative as the post himself.
    I love how you put emphasis on the metaphysical aspect of intimacy between between men and women.
    You and my counselor are one of the people and factors who inspired me to look for happiness in the metaphysical atmosphere. Although I don’t really believe in rigid established religions or certain gods, I do recognize the importance of looking for the soul and morality in everything.
    I must admit, I’ve developed my own ‘beliefsystem’, my ‘World of souls.’ my something-ism, as you can call it.
    To conclude, looking for higher purposes and meanings than only the material aspects, has helped me a lot.
    I’m still curious on your outlook on prostitution though.
    What is your standpoint?
    It seems your opinion about it has changed a lot, something about you that I don’t entirely comprehend. Of course, you don’t have to justify yourself towards anyone besides God where you believe in.
    Lots of love, and hopefully you’re doing well.

    You can also reach my via e-mail, if you want.

  26. Mahdi

    Assalamu Alaikum Sahar,

    Thank you for your response, which is as usual full of insights and wisdom.

    Right now, my soul is a tumultuous sea that requires me to change the topic and pour out my thoughts and emotions along a totally different direction. I will understand, respect and cherish your decision not to publish this or respond to it, if that is what you will do. After all, there is probably nothing in the following to respond to.

    Have you heard the story of the 8th-century personality named Al-Fuḍayl ibn ‘Iyāḍ who was both a bandit and a practicing Muslim? The story has that one time as Fudayl was climbing a wall as a routine part of his job, he heard someone recite this part of Sura Al-Hadid:

    أَلَمۡ يَأۡنِ لِلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ أَن تَخۡشَعَ قُلُوبُہُمۡ لِذِڪۡرِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا نَزَلَ مِنَ ٱلۡحَقِّ وَلَا يَكُونُواْ كَٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُواْ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبَ مِن قَبۡلُ فَطَالَ عَلَيۡہِمُ ٱلۡأَمَدُ فَقَسَتۡ قُلُوبُہُمۡ‌ۖ وَكَثِيرٌ۬ مِّنۡہُمۡ فَـٰسِقُونَ

    “Has not the Time arrived for the Believers that their hearts in all humility should engage in the remembrance of Allah and of the Truth which has been revealed (to them), and that they should not become like those to whom was given Revelation aforetime, but long ages passed over them and their hearts grew hard? For many among them are rebellious transgressors.”

    This came down like a lightening on him. The effect was abrupt and strong. He repented earnestly right there and tried to undo the harm he had done before in the rest of his life.

    Why did I mention this story? Because it is MY story. I used to be a practicing Muslim and at the same time a bandit. Instead of robbing others of their properties, for years I robbed myself of opportunities for spiritual growth, moving toward Allah, and truly becoming the person He wanted me to be. Until the lightning came and my moment arrived and you know when that moment was.

    Sahar, when will be YOUR moment? When will your heart soften? When will you submit to Allah fully, wholeheartedly and unreservedly?

    What does it take for your heart to soften? What is the price to be paid? Would it not suffice if a rampant and prevailing heartbreak had made a sinful yet empathetic human being lose weight any cry in sleep (according to others)? Would the red eyes and the pale face be insignificant to you? Would that head shaking in powerful tears not shake your heart?

    Would a quake not happen in your heart if a soul died in your sorrow? Just tell me how many souls need to perish before your hour finally arrives and you change course.

    You can tell me there is little wrong in what you do and a lot wrong with the society. You can tell me you are doing the disadvantaged a service by providing comfort or love. You can tell me observant eyes see value in what you do. You can tell me this is all temporary and just a compromise. You can tell me life is complicated. You can tell me this is your life and you get to choose how to conduct it. My hands are up in the air. I do not argue with you. I accept losing on all fronts already.

    Call me naïve. Call me simple-minded. Call me inexperienced. Call me ignorant. Call me unsophisticated. I accept those. I am defeated. I am out-argued. My hands are in the air.

    But, for Allah’s sake, when will the moment of humility in your heart finally arrive? Tell me the hour, day, month and year and I will put up the biggest celebration then. Sahar, for the sake of those you love most, please ask yourself repeatedly:

    أَلَمۡ يَأۡنِ لِلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ أَن تَخۡشَعَ قُلُوبُہُمۡ لِذِڪۡرِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا نَزَلَ مِنَ ٱلۡحَقِّ

    God is witness to the pain that I have suffered, and how happily I have suffered that pain. He is also witness that I only wanted you for YOU – wasn’t that the selfless love you were talking about? I have only been asking Him to expedite your moment. I do not matter. It is all about YOU.

    I do not know if He will give me another day to live or another breath to take – no one knows. And this might well be my last message because I said ALL I had to say and nothing more is left to say. I have over-stayed my welcome and need to depart. Please forgive me if I said anything that hurt you and please understand my ignorance and lack of knowledge in my writings.

    May God preserve you and may He shower you in His blessings for every breath you take in the rest of your life.

  27. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    I was intrigued by your assertion that there is no reason for the female sexual drive to be any weaker than the male sexual drive. You must have seen and possibly been influenced by the 2013 book by Daniel Bergner entitled “What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire,” and his 2009 New York Times article “What Do Women Want?” (URL: While I am still not done reading and have lingering doubts about this whole topic, I thought I would share the above titles here so that interested readers can refer to them. And I have a progress report for anyone following this thread:

    I read most of the New York Times article and found it fascinating. It talks about the research done at Queen’s University by Dr. Meredith Chivers. The research involved showing movies to men and women, straight and gay, of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, etc. Movies of monkeys (bonobos) mating were also included. The genitals of male subjects were instrumented to measure the swelling while those of female subjects were sensorized to measure the blood flow. The participants also used a keypad to rate how aroused they felt. Therefore, both objective and subjective measurements were collected.

    Some of the experimental results seem predictable while some are counter-intuitive. Read these two paragraphs:

    “The men, on average, responded genitally in what Chivers terms “category specific” ways. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. They were mostly unmoved when the screen displayed only men. Gay males were aroused in the opposite categorical pattern. Any expectation that the animal sex would speak to something primitive within the men seemed to be mistaken; neither straights nor gays were stirred by the bonobos. And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph [swelling sensor]. The men’s minds and genitals were in agreement.
    All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more. Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph [blood flow sensor] recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos.”
    To me, the counter-intuitive results are the following:

    – Women responded to a wider range of sexual stimuli than men did. High sexual drive in men meant attraction toward women (for straights) and toward men (for gays). However, high sexual drive in women meant attraction towards BOTH sexes. Women were aroused even when watching MONKEY sex. Anyway, why are women more easily aroused than men are? That is weird. It gets more weird when the article says arousal or even orgasm in women during sexual assault has been reported (I really do not want this one to be true).
    – When using keypad, women expressed less arousal than their blood flow sensors showed. For men, keypad entries and swelling sensor readings were consistent. The split between women’s mind and body is strange.

    In another 1992 study it cites (this paper:, the New York Times article talks about research showing that women can simply THINK themselves into orgasm. The paper’s abstract says: “Subjects were women who claimed that they could experience orgasm from imagery alone. Orgasm from self-induced imagery or genital self-stimulation generated significant increases in systolic blood pressure, heart rate, pupil diameter, pain detection threshold, and pain tolerance threshold over resting control conditions.” Essentially, self-induced orgasm in women by only recalling images and without touching themselves showed correlation with externally measurable and verifiable signs of orgasm. Wow, what man can do the same?

    The women’s response to a broader set of stimuli as compared to men raises questions whether men are actually MORE INHIBITED and CULTURALLY BOUND than women (Sahar, how can you be sitting there? You have to get into this line of research and prove them wrong!). Well, then some other experiments involving functional MRI did not show activation of the region of the brain associated with inhibition in men who were shown images expected to trigger inhibition (e.g., showing a nude man’s image to a straight man). In other words, men’s narrowly focused desires (i.e., straight men want only women and gay men want only men) is not because of shyness or self-restraint among men. It is something else.

    Back to the data showing a lack of correlation between mind and body in women, Dr. Chivers thinks it may be because the woman’s sexual organ is not external (as is men’s), meaning women are less aware of their own arousal state in their entire development path. Men can better sense an increase in their heart rate than women can, and the same may be true about the messages coming from genitals. Sahar, this can be the reason behind what you call most women not being sexually awake. This can be the source of it rather than cultural forces limiting and suppressing women sexually. Of course, the article does say it is very hard to decouple the culture from the physiology in the study of sexuality.

    I am really fascinated by this type of scientific and data-driven analysis that is largely free from assumptions. I will be looking to see if there is any other analysis to either explain the meaning of the above or perhaps contradict it.

    Best regards.

    • escortdiary


      Thank you for sharing those studies, all which I completely dismiss.
      Nothing makes me more annoyed than seeing articles that try to explain and universalize human behaviour with ‘biological’ explanations, especially when animal analogies are used. It is even more annoying when misleading ideas are portrayed as facts due to ‘scientific’ observation.

      Mahdi, don’t be too confident in the white man’s science that attempts to explain the world — remember that it was also data-based ‘science’ that claimed certain races were ‘proven’ to be physically and genetically ‘inferior,’ which later became debunked as pseudo-science and was discovered to be instrumentally useful in implementing colonialism and the enslavement of black and brown people’s across the world. I actually consider most of these gendered ‘scientific’ studies as pseudo-science. As you know, every scientific assertion occurs within a system of hegemony. This means that ‘facts’ or ‘data’ do not occur within a vacuum, but rather are subjected to immense bias and the furthering certain narratives/agendas. If one’s frame of thinking is within the mainstream paradigm, then the biological narratives (explanations) of gendered/human behaviour seem convincing (ie: it’s easy to assume men are X, while women are Y, as this is observable within ones given context). But not everyone adheres to the same paradigm of thought. For me, to reduce the phenomena of sex and bonding to something that can be quantified, simplified and universalized for all humans is bogus. Sex is very sacred and spiritual — there are deep, metaphysical aspects — this cannot be explained so easily, and perhaps only understood by the heart. Of course, however, if one’s religion is atheism, they will dismiss metaphysical forms of knowledge. Science can never fully explain feelings of the heart. How can one scientifically explain when Allah places noor in ones heart?

      You wrote:

      You must have seen and possibly been influenced by the 2013 book by Daniel Bergner entitled “What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire,” and his 2009 New York Times article “What Do Women Want?”

      Absolutely not. I would not trust any ‘scientific’ study from mainstream media agencies — their push to reduce the complexity of human life to simplified ‘scientific’ explanations is not only unfortunate, but dangerous. Such articles and studies completely ignore/omit any true form of contextual analysis (ie: the social, cultural and historical context). The findings of the data that you outlined occur within a Western socio-cultural context, where, as mentioned, most women have been shaped for centuries to be passive towards sex in comparison to men — these type of studies fail to examine class, race, cross-cultural and cross-historical comparisons of sexual behaviour. The study by Bergner did not mention anything about how race or class may have stipulated the results of the participants. For instance, there are vast cultural differences between the respectability norms for Black American women versus white American women. African American women, for instance, are probably less prude when it comes to expressing their sexuality in comparison to white American women (and then factoring in class differences complicate things even further).

      You wrote:

      Essentially, self-induced orgasm in women by only recalling images and without touching themselves showed correlation with externally measurable and verifiable signs of orgasm. Wow, what man can do the same?

      LOL — what woman can do that? I sure as hell cannot. Darling, reading or watching studies of sex will only tell you so much, or give you a ton of misinformation. It is best not to think of men or women as “All women desire X, and All Men desire Y.” There is so much diversity that stereotypes cannot explain. I have seen this flawed form of logic endlessly promoted to naive minds. For instance, there are idiots who exploit the minds of a lot of naive men by selling them pseudo-scientific ideas on “how to get women,” where their ‘tactics’ assumes that all women have the same ‘biological’ desires and motivations. These idiot “Alpha male” mentalities base all of their ‘knowledge’ on biological determinist narratives on human behaviour — they propagate the idea, for instance, that all women are naturally submissive and desire an “alpha” male. While this nonsense is laughable, it’s actually very harming for both men and women — it furthers them away from any sacred/spiritual form of bonding in a metaphysical sense. My suggestion is to stop reading ‘scientific’ studies of sex from soulless authors who ignore the metaphysical — read ancient wisdom, such as Tantric notions of bonding or Taoist sexual wisdom or watch “Kama Sutra: Tale of Love” as a starter.. (all view the union of men and women in harmony, like the photo below):

      You wrote:

      Dr. Chivers thinks it may be because the woman’s sexual organ is not external (as is men’s), meaning women are less aware of their own arousal state in their entire development path. Men can better sense an increase in their heart rate than women can, and the same may be true about the messages coming from genitals. Sahar, this can be the reason behind what you call most women not being sexually awake.

      What a load of nonsense. Sorry again for my obvious deep annoyance at the articles you have shared!
      As a escort, I have come across all different types of bodies and sexual abilities. There is NO standard sexual organ shape, nor any standard sexual ability. There so many factors — socially, physically, mentally, and metaphysically — that contribute to someone sexual desires. I am certain that any author who claims that women are naturally ‘submissive’ or ‘less sexual’ is someone who either has (1) a penis too small to satisfy any woman (2) has a reasonable sized penis, but is beyond terrible/annoying in sex (3) neither 1 or 2, but has a wife who has no sex drive due to her social context and upbringing.

      Thank you again for sharing Mahdi…:-)


  28. Mahdi

    Thank you, Sahar, for your response. I am still unconvinced and have the usual instant itch to put up a counter-argument, but perhaps it’s best for me to let it go at this time to create space for everyone to study and think about this. This whole question of whether the urge for variety is widespread among men or specific to only men is interesting and worth discussing, but not central to my line of thoughts and arguments and not consequential to how, I perceive, married men should control themselves. InshaAllah, I will go back to giving some more advice to Omar and gentlemen like him in the near future. Best regards. Mahdi

    Sura Yunus:

    إِنَّ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ يَهْدِيهِمْ رَبُّهُم بِإِيمَانِهِمْ ۖ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهِمُ الْأَنْهَارُ فِي جَنَّاتِ النَّعِيمِ (9) دَعْوَاهُمْ فِيهَا سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَتَحِيَّتُهُمْ فِيهَا سَلَامٌ ۚ وَآخِرُ دَعْوَاهُمْ أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ (10

    “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – their Lord will guide them because of their faith. Beneath them rivers will flow in the Gardens of Pleasure.”

    “Their call therein will be, “Exalted are You, O Allah ,” and their greeting therein will be, “Peace.” And the last of their call will be, “Praise to Allah , Lord of the worlds!””

  29. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    Thank you for your thoughtful, eloquent and detailed response. If I may, I would like to address a few lines of what you wrote in the following. I agree with the rest.

    “I am deeply against the biological stance that ALL men need variety”.

    I am no expert on male sexuality but am a man myself and know deep inside what women are trying so hard to analyze and figure out. I have also observed men both in an Eastern society and in the Western society with two totally different value systems, ethical standards, social norms, and social teachings. Based on these, I do believe that for evolution-related biological reasons, all men are hardwired to crave variety. Of course, the internal intensity of that differs in different men based on a range of things including physiology, genetics, climate, culture and society. The external manifestation of seeking diversity also differs in different men based on their desire for and their ability to self-regulate, which is in turn related to their value system and worldview and qualifications such as empathy, depth of thought, etc. So, while you may see a man not ACTIVELY seeking variety, this must be attributed to success to self-regulate an urge rather than the nonexistence of that urge in the first place. This much is very clear to me. I agree with you that biology is not the sole contributor to the urge for variety, but I believe it is an essential and ever-existing component of it.

    “From my observations, men who continuously desire random, meaningless sex are individuals who have an apathetic outlook on life and will likely never form a closer, intimate sexual relationship.”

    I do not dispute this but would like to point out that your observations may be skewed from reality due to the specific characteristics of the sample population of men you are considering. Case in point: A man like me who has never been with any woman other than his wife may CONTINUOUSLY desire random sex simply because he has never let himself try it even once. The continuity of the desire in this case is not due to apathy but due to self-control (although at a physical and superficial level and not at a mental and deep level as the latter would stop the desire either altogether or make it at least intermittent). Yes, if a man has had lots of experiences and still continuously desires random sex, then there is a problem with him in my perspective.

    “As mentioned, the married and non-married clients who only see me are not interested in variety, as they desire something more intimate.”

    Dear Sahar, I love you so much and regard you so highly that cannot bring myself to call you by anything other than the most beautiful of names and adjectives, so please forgive me and for my selfish sake please let us just talk about an escort out there and not you. Now, which of the following two men do you perceive to be on a moral higher ground: A self-regulating man who is loyal to his wife but craves other experiences versus a man loyal to an escort and not seeking variety? Where are the high value and the commendable attitude that you see in a man who is loyal to an escort while, by the way, she is at the peak of her beauty and youth? I do not mean to diminish the values in this man, but it is nowhere close in rank to the loyalty of the other man to his wife across decades when she is young and she is old, when she is happy and she is dull, when she is healing and she is hurting, and when she is cooperative and she is combative. If there is any forgiveness, doesn’t this man deserve some?

    “The same way big businesses market the idea that we constantly need the “better, newer, and latest” smartphone is the same idea that’s being done to human relations.

    ” Maybe you did not mean to establish a direct equivalence between wanting a new phone and wanting a new partner, but if you did, I would say that it is imprecise or at the very least not generalizable to everyone. The urge for variety among men is hundreds of thousands of years old (provably, thousands of years old). It is widespread across vast geographies, times and cultures. It is hardwired into the very fabric of the man’s brain. Has it been further manipulated and exacerbated in the modern world? Yes, for sure. However, the origins are old and there to stay. The only way for men to get ahead of it is to resolve it in mind as my previous post was trying to communicate.

    I have been aware for a long time that people including myself are psychologically conditioned to mount an argument against another person only if that person is similar to them in thoughts and there is some sort of rapport between the two. Where there is no affinity or similarity, they refrain from even arguing, probably in an unconscious effort minimization or outcome optimization dynamic. In other words, we do not accept if people we have a lot in common with have something else that is not common between us. Funny enough, we do not mind if people have nothing in common with us. This is the binary logic of 1 and 0; the logic of either with me or against me. Ironically, that is the logic that drove me for the last hour of writing – I put the 90% of what Sahar has written which I agree with aside, and picked on the remaining 10%! Still, I hope there is some wisdom in what I wrote and it provides some level of clarity to readers who are having similar experiences as me.

    Here is a gift from the album The Passion of Rumi:

    • escortdiary

      Dear Mahdi,

      Thank you again for a well thought response.

      You wrote:

      “I do believe that for evolution-related biological reasons, all men are hardwired to crave variety.”

      Here’s why I disagree. Firstly, I do not believe in evolution, and therefore, of course, I believe evolutionary explanations of human relations is deeply flawed and fails to support the diverse range of human phenomena both cross-culturally and historically.

      Secondly, what about WOMEN’s desires? Mahdi, luckily you have not encountered a woman who thinks with her vagina rather than her heart/brains — they exist! Yes, we live in an age where MOST women desire intimacy for the purpose of closeness and emotional bonding and therefore, most women are less prone to variety. Is this current phenomena simply due to biological explanations? Is this a trait of women across all cultures at all time? The answer is no. Just like men have urges that come directly from their penis to fuck, a sexually ‘awake’ woman also has intense, physical urges from her pussy to fuck and orgasm — it is only more rare among women because of centuries worth of social norms to compress female sexuality. Both men and women have been taught in modern culture a pattern of sexual intercourse that focuses on the male orgasm — when the female orgasm is barely acknowledged among a population, then a society will produce sexually passive women (which I believe exists now). We have a deep irony of many women who dress and behave sexually, but are essentially passive when it comes to having any real sexual desire for their own orgasm. Not all cultures or people have practiced sex in the same one-sided manner — many ancient cultures would not consider sex that was one-sided, or focused only on the male orgasm. Highly sexual women were present in many cultures — probably causing a lot of fitna, as I am sure women at some point in history were the ones exploiting men! Just take a look into tantric history or the kama sutra — women were once very tuned to their sexuality without exploiting or degrading themselves as objects.

      Why did certain cultures imposed extreme strict and rigid sexual norms for women? Probably because women, at some point, had to be tamed! Indeed at some point in history in certain cultures, a majority of WOMEN WERE LIKELY SEXUALLY exploiting men. The fact female genital cutting exists exemplifies that women’s sexuality was once so strong that they needed to be circumsized to tame them. A sexual woman has immense powers that has the potential to be extremely oppressive towards men and the social structure, which is probably why such a woman has traditionally been so feared and suppressed. 😛

      Sorry to use myself as an example again, but I am one of the odd women who has a sex drive that is equivalent to, or perhaps more than, the stereotypical man. I do, however, desire meaningful sex with chemistry over variety — so do some men. But variety is also agreeable to my body if I did not have a sense of morality from stopping me. If all women had the daily need of cumming/orgasm (and some do), then I highly doubt our society would even need prostitution. If most women were focused on their clits and getting their fix of satisfying dick (and these women do exist, albeit rare), there would be no sex starved men. The reality is, however, most women in modern times are not thinking with their clits and vagina — and this is because women have been told by society for centuries that touching themselves, exploring their sexuality and learning about female pleasure is taboo and shameful. Women have the same potential as men to be sexually aroused and horny in a biological sense. It’s not just men who have endless daily urges — believe me ….. it only seems that way because men have the liberty to express their urges and explore them without facing social sanctions.

      To sum, these are some reasons to explain why many women in a modern Western context are not truly horny or sex obsessed:

      1. They are having sex with men who’ve learnt about one-sided sex that does not focus on female orgasm/pleasure. Moreover, most women themselves also learn about sex in the same manner, sex that is all about pleasing the man. The typical, degrading pornographic formula of (1) sucking cock, (2) penetration in uncomfortable positions, (3) zero intimacy/foreplay to warm up the ladies desires and (4) only working towards the male orgasm, is a very terrible way to learn about sex.
      2. Far too many women, themselves, never explored their own bodies due to cultural notions of shame around female sexuality. The vagina is a muscle, when it’s not used, it weakens.
      3. It is not socially acceptable for a woman to demand her orgasm or express confidence in her sexuality with most men — the fear of being known as ‘experienced’ or being a ‘slut’ is a real double standard.

      *If these social norms did not exist or they are ignored, a very different populace of women would exist.

      Ironically, social norms that restrict sexual freedom is needed within society, but what exists today is very problematic and exploitative. I embrace the Islamic norms that are mandated for both men and women — sadly, however, the norms are now unequal and many double standards exist.

      Hope that made sense to make you reconsider your biological argument.


      • I would add to Sahar’s comment here that women often have very strong preferences in terms of sexual partners that tend to have an emotional tenor to them. I am a very sexual woman like Sahar, and so are some of my women friends, yet me and my friends who are like me tend to stick to monogamous relationships or even long periods of no sex (despite a glut of availability of willing men) due to our emotional needs and proclivities. Honestly I would be happier if I was having more sex, and it would not be the least difficult to procure, but I don’t do it because I know it wouldn’t feel good to me in the long run or be satisfying on a deep level.

      • A L P

        Generosity is viewed by very few individuals the right way. Ask most people what they understand generosity to be and you will get an apparent description about how it is all about giving to those less fortunate. Whilst this may be true the real essence of generosity is lost! When you walk the path of generosity you see Life as the universe does where receiving is the intention, whilst the conduit is giving. What am I saying? Does this make any sense? The
        corridor of generosity is confusing at first like looking at oneself in room full of distorted mirrors. Permit me to illuminate the way further. The universe does not generously grant life to anything without first intending that very life to receive. Through the spark of Divine Love life is granted by our Father Universe with the sole objective of receiving pleasure from watching that life develop into all it promises to be. The impressive oak tree is the purpose behind the generosity bestowed upon the compact acorn when it first begins to germinate beneath the ground.
        So how then does this apply to us humans when on foot the path of generosity? Plainly we give because we aim to receive! Not money or material possessions but the emotions that engulf you when you are the benefactor of the generosity. Giving out of generosity is truly an act of individual spirit where the universe permits you to expect to receive “feel-good” emotions way beyond the value of what you are parting with. Consensual love-making is possibly the most generous two people or human spirits can ever be to each other! Receiving favoured pleasure from your lover’s body occurs from generously transferring sensuality to your sweet-heart through your own body. These are an example of the “feel-good” emotions I am referring to and the spirit of generosity. Science has labelled these emotions pheromones, the good news is in an ensuing chapter we will explore alternate ways in which you can release them, for now know how easy it is to access them by way of the path of generosity.
        Sex on the other hand does not involve generosity but rather selfishness as you are more concerned with you own pleasure, subsequently you give very little of yourself towards the other person. The satire of the superb sense of humour Our Father Universe has when it comes to sex is now apparent as the “sexual champions” or so-called “studs” are not enjoying the sensations to the extent of the value-centred individuals who walk the path of generosity together when love-making. Sex is physical satisfaction; love-making is both physical and spiritual if we should choose to slip generosity in between. Growing up with three sisters always made me laugh when I watched their boyfriends in pursuit of sex so they could brag to the boys about how “good” they were. Beneath the surface, I knew my sisters and women in general required the emotional or deeply spiritual side in order for sexual intercourse to shoot the lights out. My sisters would laugh about how in the majority cases they viewed the sexual experiences with such “studs” as very disappointing. What a hilarious sense of humour you have our virtuous teacher! After all if you want to be selfish why not just masturbate?
        So what other ways do we give in order to receive the soul-shaping emotions conveyed on the path of generosity? We continue on this giving path by making sure we are taking care of ourselves firstly and making a point of doing it! Bring to mind the path of faith where you took the time to build your self-esteem perhaps by spoiling yourself and your loved ones. Self-love and faith are the bricks and mortar of generosity laid on a solid foundation of faith and inner values! If you are short of generosity towards yourself it becomes too easy to assume the position of a martyr and these shoes are beleaguered on the path of resentment. Practice acquainting yourself with your own goals and desires and meeting them the best you can. Not only does this appease any resentment, you’ll actually be prepared to give more from an exceptionally genuine generous place.

        Sahar your three point summation above speaks to the ‘problem’ as to “Why husbands cheat?” Simply, because women resent themselves (and in most cases each other) especially when it comes to “sex” hence can never give generously where their own receiving is the intention. Receiving of mind-body-spirit blowing orgasms (wicked pun intended 🙂 by-way of unashamed giving of their bodies to their husbands. Like you say there are a few rare gems of such women out there!

        Shalom. Namaste. Salam.

  30. Mahdi

    Dear Omar,

    As someone who has been in a more or less similar situation, I understand what you are going through and would like to offer you some advice, if I may. These are my opinions right now and I stand to be corrected, if anyone can see a hole in my thought processes or outcomes.


    Let me begin with a question. Why did people practice slavery hundreds or thousands of years ago? Were the masters all evil people? Why do people kill animals to eat them in this day and age? Are we heartless people? I do not honestly think people in general were or are being flat-out cruel in the way that, on an abstract or purely mathematical level, the actions of slavery or killing another being would suggest. I believe such social norms and how people behave are modulated by collective levels of understanding of and empathy towards others, be it another human being, an animal, or even a plant. Once a society advanced enough to appreciate the misery of a slave and what individuals within the society were perpetuating against another human being who must in principle be equal to them, the society as a whole put a stop to it and never really went back to the previous low levels. By the same token, it is my belief that the world will at some point reach the level of understanding needed to honestly see the inhumanity of killing animals so blatantly and will start to practice some sort of self-restraint and fairness in meat consumption. Meanwhile, only people who think beyond their times will be able to take appropriate corrective actions in their own personal space before societies become grown enough to fix those issues.

    Now, coming to the issue at hand, if a man wants a lasting solution to the inner mental struggle he faces concerning the feeling of loyalty to his wife or partner on the one hand and the constant urge to seek variety on the other hand, he should look beyond his time and place, beyond the social norms of the time, and beyond his basic bodily impulses and appetite. And this is a two-way street by the way. In our time, women see it as acceptable to exhibit their bodily beauty and glamour in the public to the fullest and in the most breathtaking and intoxicating way. Hiding behind the banner of personal freedoms and human rights, little do they know how miserable and gloomy they are making the lives of those men who struggle to remain loyal to their wives or partners. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, men see it as acceptable to want change and desire the most beautiful lady whoever she might turn out to be on that day. Confused by their biological impulses, little do men know how hurtful to their wives or partners, how risky to the stability and health of their lives and careers, and how self-destructive to their own characters and spiritual growth these maneuvers can be. Both groups think about themselves only and lack empathy toward the other group. Both groups are prisoners in the confines of their time and environment. Both groups are trapped. Both groups are just being average and conventional. Neither group shows mercy and true compassion toward the other side.

    My point is that untangling the mental mess a man may experience due to wanting to be loyal and at the same time wanting diversity is not that easy. Finding a lasting resolution is doable but not simple. The challenge and the complication is a matter of mind and must be resolved in mind. With this long preamble, let me get to some of the practical things you can do to alleviate the problem.

    1. Analytic approach: Consider a woman you have desired. Understand exactly what qualifications she has that makes you attracted to her. Mechanically dissect the attraction to the most primitive building blocks of appearance or personality. For instance, is it about the skin complexion, the hair style, the eye color, the body shape or what? Is the attraction you are experiencing about her charm, self-confidence/vulnerability, maturity/youthfulness, energy/calmness, or what? Go through these and make a list. Now, for every feminine quality she has, find a mirror-symmetric or dual masculine quality. Reconstruct in your mind the image of a man with those dual qualities and imagine your wife being attracted to him in spite of you. She has been attracted to another man because he shows off his chest hair, or because his face is cute, or because he is younger than you, or because he is speaking to her in a seducing way. Do you feel disgusted? Do you feel disrespected? Do you feel she has been ungrateful towards you? Do you feel she is being silly? Well, you are looking at yourself in the mirror. That is the person is who you are, my brother. If you do not like that person, then change yourself.

    2. Empathetic approach: When you are attracted to a woman, try to go back and forth in time and visualize her journey in life. Imagine she being in her mother’s womb thinking that the world is the size of a ball, imagine the tears shed by her parents when she was born and her scream as she came out, imagine the long nights the mother spent nursing and caring for her, imagine the long days the father worked to put her food on the table, imagine the stressful periods the parents went through every time she fell sick, imagine the hope in her eyes when she was 6, imagine the curiosity in her mind when she was 12, imagine the love in her heart when she was 19, imagine her vulnerability when her husband yelled at her, imagine her pride in her job, imagine her heartbreak when her teenage child ignored her, imagine her loneliness in old age, imagine her moment of death, and imagine her state when she is laid to rest. By the time you do this, you will see her as a human just like you — plain and simple. You will share in her pains and happiness, her weaknesses and triumphs, her good and bad, her ups and downs. As the 12th-century Persian poet Saadi Shirazi says:

    بنى‌آدم اعضای یک پیکرند
    که در آفرینش ز یک گوهرند
    چو عضوى به درد آورَد روزگار
    دگر عضوها را نمانَد قرار
    تو کز محنت دیگران بی‌غمی
    نشاید که نامت نهند آدمی

    Adam’s sons are body limbs, to say;
    For they’re created of the same clay.
    Should one organ be troubled by pain,
    Others would suffer severe strain.
    Thou, careless of people’s suffering,
    Deserve not the name, “human being”.

    You will see her past the glamour, past the skin, past the surface. You won’t be sexually attracted to her anymore – can a man ever feel sexual attraction toward his sister, daughter or mother?

    Her eyes will be your door to reaching and touching her soul. You will be in love with her because she is from you and you are from her. There will be invisible strings of love connecting you two, but this love is very different from what others think. This love is sanctioned, it is halal, it is kosher, it is divine, it is beautiful, it is what makes your soul fly. This love will be the manifestation of your humanity. It will set you free. It will sweeten your day and night. It will make you holy. Try it, my brother, and I guarantee that you will not regret it.

    I have more to say on this issue but my time has run out. Maybe I can write more at another time, getting more to the specifics of Omar’s situation.

    For now, I love you all.

    • escortdiary


      Thank you for sharing your insights and my apologies for not getting back to your comment.

      You have interesting thoughts, but I am not entirely in agreement to everything you wrote. Not all men have the same desires or urges. Nor do all married men desire to cheat for the same reasons.

      I see a lot of married men who cheat, and after all these years, I always questioned my married clients as to why they cheat. Is it due to lack of sexual chemistry? Is it due to wanting variety? Is it ‘biological’ as society would lead us to believe? I am deeply against the biological stance that ALL men need variety — I am against it because I have seen otherwise. The more correct answer is that SOME men need variety, and the reason isn’t solely biological.

        Generally, There are two kinds of married men who cheat:

      1. The married men desire who variety –they desire variety because they (1) fail to established a good sexual connection with their wife or any woman, so therefore trying multiple women is appealing for them. Men in this category will only continue to desire multiple women until they experience true intimacy/passion that is non-comparable to any other sexual experience — thus, ‘variety’ becomes no longer desirable. The second reason a married may desire variety is because he believes there is a “promise land” by experiencing the ‘sexy’ women and sexual acts that he’s see’s advertised to him endlessly in his daily life. Any wholesome man would soon find sleeping with random women very unfulfilling once he’s experienced the so-called “promise-land” of promiscuity — he will soon enough realize that meaningless sex is nothing compared to a deep connection. But not all men are fortunate to experience a true intimate connection. Some men (and women) have such a shallow outlook which PREVENTS them from making a deep, intimate connection with a quality, wholesome individual — shallow people with no depth will inevitabilty only find acceptance/commonality to other shallow individuals with no depth. This type of apathetic man only views and performs sex that is essentially meaningless and one-side (ie: sex that serves zero pleasure for the woman). From my observations, men who continuously desire random, meaningless sex are individuals who have an apathetic outlook on life and will likely never form a closer, intimate sexual relationship. I doubt that you (Mahdi) and Omar are this apathetic-type, because any man who has a high regard for women would never, in the long run, find happiness in using women as objects.

      2. The married men who DO NOT desire variety. In general, the most mature of men and women are only searching for a deep, loving sensual and emotional bond with another. Sadly, sometimes these men can be married, and they never experienced a deep intimacy with their wife. It might be the case that their wife has essentially no desire for sex, and there is no sexual chemistry. Unfortunately, a lot of people get married to individuals whom they do not share a deep sensual bond with — it is unfortunate people resort to cheating on their partner rather than (1) giving up their self-serving desires or (2) communicating to their partner about their unfulfilled desires. As mentioned, the married and non-married clients who only see me are not interested in variety, as they desire something more intimate.

      Over all, things are messed up in today’s world. There is without a doubt a mass campaign of social engineering occurring that is effectively disrupting the bonds between men and women, and by extension seeking to break the family unit as a whole. People no longer matter in society — people are products, morality no longer matters. A great quote I heard recently regarding social media and the Internet was, “If it’s free, you are not the consumer, you are the PRODUCT.” The fact that we are subjected to FREE pornographic videos and soft-core porn on social media, television and billboards is by no means a coincidence. Porn and social media feeds people the idea that some sort of ‘promise-land’ exists in sex, and that we must chase our selfish whims to achieve some sort of salvation — and in the process, a TON of money is made off the manipulation/exploitation of our desires. Big business knows very well that killing the human soul, killing off morality is what makes a great consumer, a human robot. We’ve already got a huge population of sheep-like people who behave in selfish, robotic ways, just as society intended. The same way big businesses market the idea that we constantly need the “better, newer, and latest” smartphone is the same idea that’s being done to human relations. It’s called Perceived Obsolescence — you know, the idea that if you’re not fucking someone new or adopting the latest trend, then you’re apparently not ‘living the life’ and therefore need to feel bad about yourself. It’s all lies. These evil ideas are hurting humanity and lining the pockets of the most apathetic, soulless beings — awareness is the only solution. Once you see all the deception for yourself, you won’t desire it and will be repulsed — the thing is, not everyone gets to see the deception for what it is….

      I’ve gone off on a tangent, hope that all made sense.

      Well wishes and thanks for the lovely poetic exerpts


    • I appreciate your willingness to deeply consider the experience of another. This is a mature outlook which is unfortunately somewhat rare

  31. Omar

    Hi, so I am a married man, no kids yet, almost 30 years old. I am also Muslim and consider myself relatively practicing … I pray, read Quran etc. I have a great wife, beautiful,caring etc. But when it comes to sex life it feels like lazy sex without anything kinky or adventurous or anything. I don’t know how to tell her I’d like those things. At the same time, I find myself battling my inner self to go and see an escort for something more and I hate myself for it. But I keep wanting to go ahead and do it. I have a longing to see more women and engage in sexual fantasies (I’m sure this is product of modern day sex culture and pornography) … And I know it’s just a want and I want to be able to justify it to myself but at the same time I don’t want to cheat my wife or my faith or myself. I find myself in a huge inner battle. The question becomes is it morally OK for me to take that plunge or not? Just because I’ve become programmed so sexually?

    Can you help shed some light. Your blog is an awesome read by the way. I hope the best for you in terms of your career and life ahead.

    • escortdiary


      What you outlined is a common, yet major fitna for men and women in today’s age. This idea that the “grass is greener” with another person(s) is a very real problem for many immature minds. I understand how you feel, because I once felt I was ‘missing out’ on so-called amazing experiences with others while I was with my first partner. I was young and inexperienced then, so my immature mind definitely believed the deception of the “grass being greener.” Long story short, I realized through trial and error of how much bullshit lies and deception I was fed by the society about chasing shallow urges. ALL of those desires are now truly meaningless for me and have ZERO appeal.

      But you — you have limited experiences and you are within a filthy society that constantly tells you that what you have now (which is precious) is not ‘good’ enough.

      From what you wrote, it is clear that your mind is tainted with the filth. The disgusting pornographic images/ideas of sex/porn/kink/fetishes that you have in your mind will NOT go away until you see the lies/deception for yourself. Ironically in life, we need to see both sides of the coin to be able to see clearly — you don’t appreciate your wife because you believe the the other side of the coin has some promise — likewise, men who’ve only had random sexual encounters are often craving what you have (a real love connection with one woman only). Once one has seen both sides of the equation, they are more content and understand what is truly meaningful in life (hopefully). Sorry to say, but you have not reach this level of maturity, which makes me feel sorry for your wife.

      Do you know how many men regret losing their kids/wives/families because they selfishly lived off their whims and desires for other women? Your dick gets wet, your ego gets filled, and then what? You lose all the things you realize that matters in life — you negate wholesome belonging to people who care about you for a few seconds of orgasm and kink? You won’t understand a thing I am saying — ’cause the true beauty in life is something you find boring and mediocre, whilst your eyes have been tainted to find worthless things extremely alluring. A rotten apple painted in gold is what you desire.

      Since you do not have kids, let your wife be with a more mature man who does not have worthless HARAM sexual urges — don’t be selfish. Either way, your wife deserves to know she has a husband who does not think she’s ‘good enough’ for the time being. If you act as cowardly husbands do, who openly lie to their wife with fake acts of love/admiration while simultaneously cheating on her, then you have committed a grave sin (which will hurt you in the long run, mark my words).

      Sorry if I come off as rude — people can change, but sometimes the fitna/filth of society can encompass a person to the extent they themselves become a dajjal/shaytan. There is never any barakhah or blessing to those who deceive, use and cheat others — you will cheat yourself. I hope your mindset changes, inshaAllah, and I pray one day your mind becomes truly disgusted with the thoughts that possess you now.


      • Omar

        Sahar, thanks for your thoughtful and great reply. It definitely is a lower urge to fulfil and I agree it is indeed a sin and something that I should stay away from. I truly love my wife and am not giving into my baseless desires even though I would love to. I will try and rid myself of this sin. Sahar, even though I do have these HARAM urges and should control them, may I ask should the same be for you and your profession? Can we justify Haram action at one end and not allow it at another? How do we define these moral boundaries?

        Inshallah I hope and pray the best for both of us. Sexual needs definitely are an interesting subject and definitely need a lot more discussion in the Muslim community.

        Just for my information, I see you definitely join yourself with Islam. I was just wondering what role does Islam play in your life? And what is your definition of Islam? I hope this is not a redundant question.

      • Dee

        Sahar, that was spot on. He thinks he is missing out on something because he has been influenced by porn. That stuff is not real intimacy and it won’t make him happy. He should see someone for therapy and work on his relationship with his wife.
        It could ruin his life if he cheats.

  32. k

    I have always wondered why husbands stray. I am still confused. Ready to try it myself.

  33. Mahdi

    My wife and I married about two decade ago. We were both virgins and each other’s very first experience. We have maintained a loyal, exclusive, loving and passionate marriage since then and have been blessed by beautiful children. Our marriage ceremony was dual purpose: It was also our farewell ceremony. We departed from our home country in the Middle East to somewhere in the English-speaking world for studying, and then stayed there.

    Once an authentically pious teenager who fiercely deprived himself from looking at or even thinking about women, years of living in the West gradually took a toll on me: I started to see and appreciate the beauty in other women, and how immensely devastating that was to my innocence. No loss or pain in my life equates the suffering this change brought upon me and, in retrospect, how foolish I was to succumb to my desires while I could have stopped them. What people experience in their teens happened to me in my thirties: My heart would melt upon seeing any woman. What a disaster.

    I became a guy who was easily confused and tormented by a shorter-than-a-split-second eye contact. Here was a married man with an angel in his house doing anything to keep him pleased and full, yet he wanted something more (and he did not know exactly what was that he wanted). Here was a truly happily married man who was tortured by a recurring and persisting unhappiness about not having had other experiences. It was the case of a highly educated, widely respected, professional and exemplary scientist whose brain worked like a Swiss watch (or so he taught) but whose heart was far from disciplined, organized, calm or thankful. His brain instructed him to exercise discipline, be calm and be thankful but the rest of his body instructed him the opposite.

    This continual inner struggle proved to be a constant source of distress and pain for me. I was mentally exhausted. I felt my talent, time and energy were being wasted by an internal fire that I could put out for short periods of time, only to see the flames re-emerge. Why couldn’t I be happy with what I have (and, thanks God, I have a lot)? Why did God do two opposite things to my logic and biology?

    This blog with its honest and intimate tone has been an extremely useful source of inspiration for me and is helping me in a process of soul searching and healing. It has helped me look at the issues of love, intimacy, companionship, and partnership through a new lens. It has upended how I view being with my beautiful wife: I am not going to let this gift from God become a mere partnership of convenience. I have started to enthusiastically explore, discover and appreciate every piece of her soul as she and I are the same and fundamentally in a state of union. And guess what? I am starting to see that I do not want anyone other than her after all!

    This blog has moved me in ways I have not been moved in many years. My wife says that Sahar to me is like Shams Tabrizi to Mowlana Rumi. Shams met Rumi only briefly and disappeared but left a deep mark on his character until the day he died. I have now re-gained the ability to be smiling at God, at equilibrium in heart, in unison with the world, and in love with all humans. The dark clouds are going away and the bright sun is coming back. Thank you, Sahar! Thank you!

    To celebrate, I offer this poem from the Persian poet Khayyam to everyone:

    اين کوزه چو من عاشق زاری بوده است
    در بـند سر زلف نـگاری بوده‌سـت
    اين دستـه کـه بر گردن او می‌بيني
    دستی‌ست که برگردن ياری بوده‌ست

    This clay pot like a lover once in heat
    A lock of hair his senses did defeat
    The handle that has made the bottleneck its own seat
    Was once the embrace of a lover that entreat.

    In Arabic, the same poem has been translated as

    كَانَ هَذَا الْكُوْزَ مِثْلِي عَاشِقاً … وَالِهاً فِي صِدْغِ ظَبْيٍ أَغْيَدِ
    وَأَرَى عُرْوَتَهُ كَانَتْ يَداً … طَوَّقَتْ جِيدَ حَبِيبٍ أَجْيَدِ

    I invite you to listen to Dorsaf Hamdani so beautifully signing this (from minute 22:15):

    • Akbar Khan

      @ Mahdi
      Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts. Indeed Sahar is an extraordinary soul and human being whose writings have been so insightful and thought provoking. My respect and prayers for her.

  34. Mahdi

    Dear Sahar,

    Since you quoted part of Quran, this is my gift back to you (Surah ash-Shura):

    “25. It is He who accepts the repentance of His worshipers, and remits the sins, and knows what you do.

    26. And He answers those who believe and do good deeds, and He increases them of His grace. But the disbelievers will suffer a terrible punishment.

    27. If God were to increase the provision to His servants, they would transgress on earth; but He sends down in precise measure whatever He wills. Surely, regarding His servants, He is Expert and Observant.

    28. It is He who brings down the rain after they have despaired, and unfolds His mercy. He is the Guardian, the Praised.

    29. And of His signs are the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the creatures He has spread throughout them; and He is Able to gather them at will.

    30. Whatever misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned; and yet He pardons much.

    31. You are not the ones to interfere on earth; and besides God, you have no ally, and no helper.”

    I burst into tears as I heard these being recited today, and I thought I would share with you. My prayers and warmest regards to everyone on this panel. I have learned so much from everyone especially from dear Sahar.

  35. nkdwhtguy

    For Lara, if you are seeing your ex-client, he shouldn’t pay you specifically for sex, but he should take care of you financially since you need the money. If the escort I was seeing had loved me back (she didn’t) I would have continued paying her. I would pay her, not for her time, but because of our love, and I wouldn’t want our love to cause her any financial or other difficulties.

  36. Bextacy

    I wish we lived in a society that could be honest about non monogamy. People need to come out of the closet. There would be a lot less heart break and a lot more fun! xo Your writing is sooooo good! xo

  37. Dear Sister,
    What are your thoughts on polygyny (multiple wives)?

    For one, as much as some self-styled Islamic cultures hate, it is clearly sanctioned (AND regulated) in the Qur-an. I know that you are a Muslim to whom Islam is important.

    Considering the general issues raised in both this post and its comments, I personally feel that the initial wife in a polygynous relationship is better treated than the jilted one, because there may be jealousy or dismay, but not betrayal. I feel that the newer wife or wives are better respected than the escort/prostitute/masseuse/masseur/girlfriend, because she is a wife with full rights, respect and acknowledgement, rather than- in the man’s mind- a “dirty little secret” or an exploited sexual object.

    Your thoughts?

    • I also want to add that I think everyone in a polygynous relationship can freely love each other. No secrets, no shame, no taboos.

      • Akbar Khan


        Let me handle your question / comment in two parts:-
        Firstly the concept of polygamy (polygyny) as the Islam sees it.
        Secondly the comparison of wife with escort and polygamous relations

        First part. If you study the verses 4:3, 4:129 Polygamy is neither mandatory nor does Islam encourage it, but merely permits it and that too with the strict condition to do justice between the wives. If one has slightest doubt that he will not be able to do justice, then Allah has clearly directed that one wife is better. Moreover it places all wives at equal status, there is no concept of a “primary” or “secondary wife. They all are absolutely equal in rights. The requirement of justice rules out the fantasy that man can “own as many as he pleases.” It also rules out the concept of a “secondary wife”, for all wives have exactly the same status and are entitled to identical rights and claims over their husband. It also implies, according to the Islamic Law, that should the husband fail to provide enough support for any of his wives, she can go to court and ask for a divorce.”
        Also keep in mind that the prevalent practice at that time in society was to have Harems and thus Quranic injunction actually made polygyny restrictive when compared to prevalent norm in that society.

        Why Islam allows Polygyny?
        Well it at least provides a respectable and sane way in situations where a man is not getting enough sex from his wife, say in case of illness or older age or similar other situations. In countries where polygamy is illegal, do you see faithful marital relations under such circumstances? No. People cheat, go to prostitutes and endure much more ills including destruction of family. By allowing polygamy with strict justice, Islam gives opportunity to maintain family structure and also avoid Zina.

        Coming over to second part, I think drawing such a comparison that second wife would be at least better than escort is uncalled for. As I have explained above all wives are absolutely equal and can not be compared with escort. Wife is the significant other, the mother of your kids.

        Lastly a man with multiple wives still has to follow a conduct of decency ordained by Islam while having sex, threesomes, foursomes and homosexuality among the wives is not permissible.

      • The best argument for Islamic polygyny will be made by those who practice it correctly. So instead of arguing, I will set an example, in sha Allah. Then I will get back to you with my views.

      • escortdiary

        Thank you Akbar for responding on my behalf. I agree with your view.

      • Thomas

        This whole Islamic polygamy thing comes across as incredibly arbitrary and self righteous–primarily because it assumes that all escorts would prefer to be wives, which is an exceptionally dubious assumption, particularly in situations that would require living in relative physical and spiritual deprivation. There may be something to living as an “equal” wife. But it strikes me as being achieved by living as a non-equal human being. Why not admit being unjust rather than pretending to be just?

        Sometimes I think that being honest about non-monogamy might be nice. But I’ve seen polyamorous relationships. They don’t work nearly as well as their proponents believe they will. Almost all of them still get jealous and still cheat or feel cheated on.

        Really, I think that the institution of marriage needs to be strengthened so that people realize that whatever happens, they need to come home at the end of the day. If everyone was sure their spouse would come home at the end of the day, they would get tired of keeping tabs on them.

        No one likes the idea of their spouse cheating on them. The solution might just be to not think about it, not worry about it, and live life.

        A friend of mine’s wife once said, “I don’t care if he’s cheating on me, as long as I don’t find out about it. If I find out, I’ll cut his balls off and divorce him.” My wife would never say something like that. But she probably thinks that way. And she never feels the pangs of jealousy. She never watches me walk off to sleep with my other wife. Why is that such a bad solution?

        Im not saying 4 wives or polyamory doesn’t work–just that there is no perfect solution to issues arising from sex and love.

      • escortdiary


        Sorry there is no point to respond to what you wrote as you are not Muslim.


  38. Sharmark

    If you are in love with a prostitute but unable to take her away from her work in the moment. What does one do? How selfish some men are to cheat on a woman who has chosen them to become their life partner.

  39. Y. F.

    The reason is simple. The lack of love and sexual chemistry. What a man wouldn’t expect when he starts seeing an escort is that he could fall in love with her and that’s exactly what happened to me, and I was even ready to leave the world for her, but unfortunately she never had the same feelings for me and she always looked at me as a selfish married client who pays her for his pleasure. Was it wrong to start seeing her from the begining? Was it wrong to fall in love with her, thought it wasn’t really something I could control? I honestly don’t have answers……….

    • nkdwhtguy

      I didn’t fall in love with an escort girl, but I did find myself infatuated with her. I still am. I obsess about her all the time. You’re right about not being able to control these feelings. I have no answers either. Now I wish I would never have met her. Other escort women haven’t had the same effect on me. Just this one. It sucks.

      • HugsNKisses

        Isn’t it funny? I for one am looking to be infatuated and an escort that enjoys seeing me as much I do. I tried several high-class escorts and met wonderful people. So far my experience has been that I like the company the sex – which didn’t happen always – has not been fulfilling.
        It lacks desire, passion, urgency, eroticism, …
        In the end, for some of us, there is more than just release – though a release is very very nice – and I look forward to finding it.

      • nkdwhtguy

        H&G, I wish you good luck. Being infatuated or loving an escort isn’t easy. Hope you find what you are looking for. I’d be interested in any follow-up comments if you’d like to share.

      • Lara

        I am a escort myself. I am in love with this ex client. Ex client because I told him that I don’t want his money since there are emotions between us . I love his company. His body Nd everything about him but I dont trust him. In my mind he will pay sex to other woman and when I thinking of it my heart sank in sadness . So I imagine how bad it would before his wife . I sell sex but with him is different as much as I need the money I preferred not to get a penny from him and because I have strong feelings for him. Some girls they fell in love and continue to get the money for their time . If I am doing wrong?? I don’t know. My heart is what drives me when I am in love. Should I be more tactile and rational? Don’t now

      • escortdiary


        Thanks for sharing.

        Don’t make the mistake of giving up your heart for free. If a man really loves you and he is decent, he will have no issue to financially support you.

        Another escort wrote recently how she found out her partner (who was meeting her for free) was paying other girls. Take this as an example.

        Know your worth. If taking care of you, financially, is an issue for him, then he’s either not ready to be with you and/or not a good partner generally.


      • Thomas

        @Lara. I’ve come to the conclusion that money does not get in the way of love, but that exchanging money for specific sexual encounters gets in the way of love. I would agree that if he is paying other women, that there is no reason for you to give your heart away for free. But if he is not seeing others–and you are not seeing others–then it is perfectly acceptable for him to provide for you and for you to enjoy his love and care and provide for his sexual needs freely..

        But if you are accepting money from other men for sex, it seems only common sense that he should be able to pay other women for sex. It is exactly these types of questions that make money a barrier to experiencing love.

        Here is the solution that I would recommend. See him for free and don’t have sex with him until he supports you at a level that you don’t have to see other men for money. That is somewhat of a traditional way of winning a man’s heart.

        If he must have sex with you and you need the money, date him for free and take the money for sex. I could actually love a provider who came up with that type of arrangement. But I can’t pay for sex with a woman I love if she doesn’t want to go watch a movie with me for free.

        So, give your heart away for free. But don’t give your body away for free. He needs to pay for each act or support you. If that doesn’t work, stop seeing him. I’ve done this. It’s difficult. But what you are doing needs to be sustainable and realistic.

        Talk to him about this. I would love for a provider to say these things to me if I loved her. If I didn’t love her, it might make me feel uncomfortable. But who cares. It’s not like you have friends in common. It either works or it doesn’t and there is no one else there to judge you for you actions. Tell him you are in love with him and talk about some of the options for a more committed relationship. It would be beautiful if you end up together and healthier if you don’t end up together if he is not ready to take the plunge with you.

  40. Akbar Khan

    Out rightly I can only express my disappointment.
    Those who equate it to enjoying food from several restaurants or aesthetic exploration must also allow and expect their wives to fuck several men by the same justification.

    • Dee

      Right on. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. My ex husband used to have dreams that I was cheating on me and he would be upset with me all day long. I never cheated on him, but it turns out he was cheating on me the whole time.
      He still doesn’t really seem to understand the pain he caused me, but yet he was mad at me over a DREAM.

  41. Thomas

    Interesting question!

    I’ve found that there are three things I get from “the hobby.” Sex, intimacy, and feelings of love. To me, seeing a woman once to experience that body type, is really no different than getting a massage, or going to a topless bar, looking at a playboy magazine. It’s just enjoying something beautiful for an hour or two. Asking if I would cheat if my wife was more sexually adventurous is like asking if I would visit another restaurant if the food in my favorite restaurant was always really good. it’s an aesthetic thing when it comes to sex. Your favorite painting is not always enough. Sometimes you want to compare and contrast–not judgementally, but simply for aesthetic contrast.

    Intimacy is the emotional equivalent of the physical exploration I’ve just mentioned. Exploring a woman’s personality is an aesthetic experience. It’s like asking why I have multiple friends when I have one best friend. It is enriching to experience many personalities in intimate settings. It’s exquisite!

    Escorts sometimes think that whether I see them again or not is a reflection on their performance. It’s not! I see an escort again to complete the arch of a story. There is sometimes an experience that cannot be completed in one session.

    But these types of story archs are dangerous because it is how one falls in love. Emotional dependence takes over from the original aesthetic impulse. It’s important to cut things off before love develops. Falling in love is where cheating starts–in my mind. If it were not possible to fall in love, most people are not going to feel cheated on. It’s the reason that these women are not angry with you. They dont feel. Betrayed by you. They don’t feel that you are interested in breaking up her marriage. They are bothered by the idea that their husband may fall in love. It’s the reason that a spouse doesn’t care if you think a movie star is really hot, but would completely fly off the handle if you said the exact same thing about the woman next door.

    Those are my immediate thoughts. I’m not sue if they would stand up to you poking holes in how consistently I would defend this view. Basically, I trust myself to cut things off before they go too far. But I have certainly had feelings of intense love for an escort that I wondered if I would be able to cut off–particularly if she reciprocated. Thats when I feel guilty–when I start enjoying playing with fire. But for sex and intimacy (particularly once), I don’t feel a twinge of guilt.

    • Rolling Tin Fist

      Perfect Thomas!!! Nothing else to add here. Looks like you were in my head or something. You are 💯 percent on point, and so I’m going to +1 this.

    • Dean

      Thomas, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t bother you to find another man’s cock inside your wife, as long as her heart is still with you!

      • Thomas

        Now I did add the disclaimer that my argument might not stand up to scrutiny. But, as a guy that has experienced jealousy (in other words, I’m not a free love swinger type) let me think about that. And I hope I come across as expressing how I react to that emotionally and don’t come across as too insensitive or overly sexist in my reaction. I certainly didn’t mean to compare women to food at a restaurant–its an analogy that is not intended to imply equivalence. I have great respect for women in general and for every provider I have ever seen. I am not a mysogenist and wish every woman I have ever been with peace, prosperity, and abiding happiness.

        To some degree anatomy matters. If I found out that my wife was strapping on a rubber dildo every few weeks and letting a guy suck on it or even enjoying some Greek adventures as the penetrator–and she never saw or communicated with the guy again, and he had no idea how to ever contact her again… I don’t think that I would be all that bent out of shape. I might squint one eye and give her a WTF look. And I’d probably be mad at her for lying about where she was. I’d probably tell her not to do it again if she asked if I mind. But I don’t think it would bother me much.

        So, as long as I’m wearinna condom, I don’t see much difference.

        But, to answer your question, yes, if I found another guy fucking my wife–and there was a gun lying around–I sure hope I would walk outside and take a few deep breaths. And I’d probably divorce her.

        I know. That sexist. And I’m not really trying to justify myself to others. I’m just sharing how I think about it and justify it to myself. I acknowledge that there are inconsistencies in my actions and analogy. But I also said that I usually trust myself to handle any unexpected emotions and that I could understand if my wife Washington insecure, angry, hurt, and jealous. And if there was a gun lying around, I’d jump out the window and run. She and the provider could spend the rest of the afternoon calmly comparing notes–as it seems, based on this article, experience indicates would happen.

        Or to put it another way, this is not something I justify to myself. I just want to look through ads sometimes. Often, that’s all I do. Sometimes, I see an ad–and it usually isn’t the perfect 10; it’s something about the provides personality or character or profile that catches my eye–and I just can’t stop thinking about it until I’m at the hotel cleaning up.

        And thanks Rolling Tin Fist. Sometimes I wonder if I’m like most guys or an outlier.

      • escortdiary

        “A man goes to a sheikh and says,”Oh sheikh, I’ve been married for year and I have kids but in the past few years I’ve noticed I’m not attracted to my wife any longer.” The sheikh starts to ask him why? Has she changed her appearance? Man: No, she looks the same. Sheikh: Did she get into an accident, did something deform her image? Man: No, she looks the same. So the sheikh asks “Do you have a hard time lowering your gaze when women walk past you? Do you have issues with pornography?” Man: Yeah, how did you know about that? Sheikh: “When you indulge in Haraam, when you fall in love with the Haraam, when you eat, sleep, and breathe in the Haraam, then the Halal becomes disgusting to you.”

        “Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children – like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.” Surah Al-Hadid 57:20

      • Thomas

        Surah Al-Hadid 57:20, particularly the last paragraph, is intoxicating. It is not morally relativistic. It identifies right and wrong and consequences, and yet understands and even celebrates our transgressions.

        It reflects the idea of original sin, that we are born into sin and have no choice in the matter. I have free will. I can choose to walk away from an encounter. And I have done so. But there is something in my character that will not change and is going to need encounters with women. It is like breathing. I can choose not to breath. I will either pass out and involuntarily breath or I will die. I may not die at once. But there is a part of me that dies without these experiences. Experiences with a true courtesan bring me to life in ways that I have completely forgotten existed until I experience them again. And when faced with the choice of breathing or dying, I take a deep breath–even if doing so will hurt another person.

        While there is truth in it in some contexts, I’m not sure that I agree with the first part of that Surah. I actually find myself loving my wife more after these encounters or story archs. Sometimes I resent my wife for certain restrictions that have arisen. After an encounter, that resentment is gone and I feel love and understanding for some of the things that I resented about her. After story archs are completed, I often feel truly grateful for the stability and love of my family. I feel remorse for having considered giving all that up for something that would almost inevitably be just as restrictive and disappointing and probably less rewarding.

        I accept that I may be punished for my transgressions right here on earth someday. I accept that what I experience with escorts is illusion and that the visions of breathtaking beauty will pass. I accept that I have, of my own freewill, chosen to engage in the activities that I do, that I am doing something that I would not want done to me, and that my character can be controlled, but not changed.

        In the end, I think that my experiences with escorts have brought me equal amounts of happiness and sorrow–as has my marriage. It is in my nature, however, to choose experience over non-experience. Regardless of the temporary illusions of happiness and sorrow I experience with escorts, the experiences are fulfilling. And the fulfillment is not an illusion. It was genuinely experienced and remembered and integrated into a repository of wisdom (however empty that repository of wisdom may be at this time). There is eternity to be dead. There is the briefest moment in the history of the universe for us to experience happiness, sorrow, celebration, and regret, and love for those that we encounter. I’d rather experience too much than too little.

        As a side note, there is a wisdom and understanding possessed by some courtesans (at least the ones that I want to see again, those that are co-actors in story arcs) that is not present with other women. To be in their presence is like being in the presence of the divine. Nothing compares to that level of intimacy and love, that acceptance your true self (however temporary it may be) that, by the very nature of social convention, including marriage, cannot be expressed or felt other than with a courtesan.

        The hobby can be a form of gnana yoga. I see people on this blog that use escort experiences in this way–including the author of this blog. They experience fully, but are dedicated to the Buddhist wisdom of cultivating non-attachment –and the Hindu wisdom articulated in the Bhagavad Gita, of taking action that purifies society and the soul, regardless of the consequences.

      • I appreciate what you said about the jnana yoga of being with some courtesans. I experience my sensual massage sessions as deep spiritual transmissions. The problem with society scandalizing sex work is that it becomes difficult to speak about this kind of knowledge and skill. People want to disrespect

      • Thomas

        Pua Nani, I’m glad to run across someone else in this forum who speaks the language of eastern paths. I know that there are those who disrespect courtesans. I would suggest, however, that the secrecy be considered the secrecy that a priest maintains for those who confess to him. To speak about these things openly to everyone is not something that is necessary. And this is what I value so much about Sahar’s blog. It is a place to reflect on the intense personal experiences of sex, love, and knowledge gained from courtesans–and with others who understand the intensity of the experiences as well as the spiritual dimension of these experiences.

    • very nice lines for escorts

    • Dee

      I have to say I HATE that term, “the hobby”. It makes cheating sound fun and harmless.
      It is a betrayal any way you look at it. Guys who can’t be faithful should not be married. You are just setting up some poor woman that you claim to love, for a world of pain.
      Sorry to be mean, but it isn’t a hobby. It is paid sex. You are a John, not a hobbyist, and if you have to use euphemisms for these things, then it means you know it is wrong.

  42. nkdwhtguy

    I started seeing escorts after five years of no sex. My wife became ill and cannot enjoy sex any longer. I was faithful for more than four years. But as every birthday passed I regretted not being able to once again feel the warmth of a woman. I discovered it was more about the touching, the caressing, the closeness that I missed than the actual sex. I’ve been seeing escorts and massage/body rub girls for the past six months. It’s complicated. I don’t feel good about cheating and lying but I don’t feel guilty either.

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