The Conflict: Falling in Love with A Prostitute/Escort – Part 1

drenched rose

As if love isn’t already complicated among ‘normal’ individuals, but how immensely complicated is LOVE with a prostitute. Love with a woman who shares her body to numerous others.

There is a theme of responses on my blog: a man loves a woman who sells her body and he seeks advice. My blog consists of numerous comments by men who have expressed a deep conflict in reconciling their love/emotions with a sex worker. The responses range from wholesome male lovers of prostitutes, whom express deep concern and understanding about the well-being of their lady-love, and then there are others, whom express hostility towards women-of-the-night.

Why does this conflict of love with a prostitute exist? Why are men writing to my blog with confusion, burning hearts, and pain from their experience of loving a prostitute? Why can’t a prostitute simply quit her work if she truly loves another? Can it really be love if she is still sleeping with other men? How can intimacy between a prostitute and her lover be special if she is sharing her body with other men? I attempt to answer such questions on my blog, given that other wholesome outlets are scarcely available.

In Love with a Sex Worker? A Word of Caution When Seeking Advice from Outsiders and others who claim to know:

Not all women who sell themselves are the same. Yes, there are similarities in certain aspects, but also great diversity in our personalities, lifestyles and upbringings. Therefore, one must be cautious when seeking advice from outsiders who tend to premise their arguments on the notion that all prostitutes have the same motivations, values and lifestyles –such sterotypes are invalid. Seeking any wholesome advice on being in love with a prostitute is very much prone to bias from outsiders who have little-to-zero personal experience with such women (outsiders who’s perspectives are shaped heavily by stereotypes)– It is important to remember that just because someone knows/visits prostitutes does NOT mean they got personal with them.There are so many disgusting attitudes that exist in forums and other internet sites about prostitutes in general, which is the result of a over centuries worth of discourses aimed at reducing prostitutes into degraded stereotypes. It is very easy to dismiss a prostitute as being “soulless,” “selfish,” “lazy,” and “having no dignity” if her behaviour is upsetting to someone. This mentality is not only erroneous, but lacks any sense of empathy or broader understandings. One commenter (“Mike”) on the blog epitomizes this hateful mentality. He commented in response to a paragraph I wrote:

“An escort is no different than any other human being. Yes, her lifestyle is different, but she/he is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such cruel view needs to be challenged.” – Sahar

“Mike’s” Response:

I have to completely disagree with this view; and I say this as a hobbyist who has dated a Korean prostitute in Los Angeles. The only reason why I dated her was because I was led to believe she was going to quit her line of work and to be fair I promised to quit hobbying. I was genuine and she was filled with lies.

Yes, people are deserving of love…all people who choose to be in a monogamous relationship. The reality with most women who sell their bodies is this–they are very selfish, self-centered and jealous. It is okay for them to sell their bodies 8-10 clients a day but when her boyfriend needs a release and goes to another provider (because the gf/escort won’t see him at her work place) she gets very upset. Talk about a double standard.

Personally speaking, if an escort truly loves someone, she would understand her line if work would be very difficult for a man to deal with. Knowing this, true love would lead her away from her kine of work. It’s called compromise and respect. But it appears escorts simply want everything their own way and want a man to love them in the same fashion a man would love a genuinely kind and respectable woman who isn’t a prostitute. That is very very very…unreasonable in my opinion.

What I found amusing, during a heated argument I told her she is a deceitful, compulsive lying, trash of a person. A whore. A prostitute.

“I can’t believe that is how you think of me!” She exclaimed. Well, what am I to think of her? Classy, elegant, trustworthy, respectful? ?? She screws over a thousand men a year for money when most other women make something of themselves by working hard, going to school etc… she made a deal with the devil and when she is old and grey on her death bed…that is when it will finally hit her–OMG, I will die as a whore.”

What is apparent from Mike’s response is his complete lack of understanding why the lady continued to sell herself, why she couldn’t just quit so easily, why she is hesitant to give up her independence, and moreover, why she doesn’t resort to working for a 70-90% reduced income at a ‘normal’ job. How does Mike rationalize this? He just reduces her to a whore, in a derogatory, stereotypical sense. Yep, according to him, that explains everything. There are many Mikes in this world, both men and women. That’s what happens when a population is constantly bombarded with hateful propaganda towards a certain group, they internalize it. Such tactics are no different than the internalized racism that is prevalent in the world today. It is the laziest form of incorrect reasoning, but what can one expect? We are not all given the liberty of pondering about the wider implications of the human experience. I thought it might be worthy to share my response to the “hobbyist” aka Mike:

My Response:

“One reason I wrote this blog was to complicate terms and concepts that are prevalent in society about escorts/prostitutes, such as labelling them as: selfish, lazy, whores (in the derogatory sense), etc. I wanted to show how and why these attitudes exist, and how they are constructed by whom and for what purpose. And yet your comment, which is not surprising, fails to grasp any of what I’ve tried to convey.

First off, since you subscribe yourself as a’hobbyist’ I am quite sure your mentality of escorts is quite disheartening. Your comment is indicative that you are one of those people who fail to ‘read between the lines.’ You’ve taken your own experience of ‘not getting your way’ with a woman whom happens to be a sex worker, and then you make the hasty generalization that most escorts are “selfish, self-centered and jealous.” And from your experience, there is not one ounce of trying to understand the underlying issues, nor the underlying meanings of her actions, perhaps.

From what you have written, it is clear that you have accepted the so-called ‘moral’ social norms within society, and thus you have ZERO comprehension of how societal norms are socially constructed (often to serve political agendas). So, let’s take a look at the typical norms that you have clearly internalized (ie: accepted as ‘righteous’ without any critical analysis). Firstly, according to you, women whom have sex with multiple men are somehow terrible ‘immoral’ people. Secondly, according to you, women whom are sex workers are apparently undeserving of love/commitment if they cannot quit their job. With your logic, you fail to realize that most women do not actively ‘choose’ this lifestyle, but rather were ‘pushed’ into it for economic factors. As hard as it is to understand, yes, a prostitute can be loyal to a man she loves whilst seeing other clients — you clearly cannot understand this. But let’s imagine if a prostitute did, in fact, enjoy some of her clients or perhaps she does NOT want to be monogamous — is she suddenly a terrible immoral person? Clearly, a woman’s sexuality that’s not ‘controlled’ is very threatening to you (which again, is not surprising, because that’s what our current society tells us).

I’m glad this Korean woman is not with you, because she deserves a man who has a better understanding of the things she keeps silent. You are quite naïve to think a prostituted woman can simply just leave her work for love or that leaving her work is a requirement for love. There are lovers of prostitutes who understand the emotional conflict that prostitutes face. These decent men are patient, compassionate and understanding. Rather than reduce her to being lazy, selfish, or a ‘whore,’ decent men actually try to understand sex workers and are willing to take on an unconventional relationship for the sake of love. Yes, it can seem that many prostitutes are simply living for themselves, and thus one gets the impression that they are ‘selfish’ or perhaps ‘lazy’ because they don’t want to conform to the capitalist work ethic. But there are so many complicated factors of WHY women are doing this, WHY they cannot quit so easily, WHY they feel its better to stay in the industry and be independent, WHY women are stigmatized for living alternative lifestyles, etc. I am glad that woman left you, because clearly she deserves a man who loves her and can stay loyal to her whilst understanding that leaving her job is not so easy.”

exotic-courtesan-painting

Breaking the Stereotypes:

In this post, I do not mean to imply that all escorts are decent beings. Indeed there are escorts who happen to be, perhaps, selfish and heartless, but that is NOT solely because she happens to sell herself. I’ve witnessed in other internet discussions where sometimes prostitutes, themselves, aid stereotypes such as “prostitutes are always acting” or “they are masters at faking love and emotions.” Other ideas one commonly hears is that “a prostitute will have sex with anyone for money”– a notion exists that we all apparently have NO standards when it comes to making money. These stereotypes irritate me since I am a prostitute and those ideas do not represent me at all. As mentioned previously, I never fake love or even fake orgasms. Again, not all escorts are working within the same dynamics or have the same motivations. For instance, an escort who has a pimp and has a very hardened outlook on clients will have a very different persona/lifestyle than an escort, like myself, who works part-time and doesn’t view all clients as one monolith. Even within each dynamic, diversity will exist. One must remember that good and bad exists in all walks of life. For those in love with sex workers, one should view their lover as a human first — sex work does shape one, but does not make one any less good or evil.

We’ve all been in one of those situations where someone makes a casual remark about how “you can’t trust whores” or they will rationalize a woman’s behavior by simply stating “Well, she’s a whore, what can you expect.” As I have tried to illustrate in this post, this logic is flawed and dehumanizing. I wonder how people would feel when they realize how many everyday prostitutes (who did not actively choose to be in the sex industry) are living very private lives, are only having sex for love or money (survival), and still retain common decency.

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My apologies that this post did not give much advice for those in love or having feelings for a working lady, but I recommend browsing the comments in my blog where I answer such questions. Below is recent advice I gave to a gentleman who asked how he can better understand his lady love:

“Be strong and expect hurdles [in the relationship] — it is normal. She will likely have a hard time changing her lifestyle, and it may take time. Give her time. Be patient. Be realistic. And be supportive. Ask her clearly what she wants. If there is mutual love between yourself and her, then don’t listen to the negative perspective of outsiders (whom clearly don’t understand that prostitutes are human like everyone else).”

Here is great link that gives wholesome advice for men who are in a relationship/in love with a prostitute. Here is the link Below:

How to Date a Sex Worker

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For my readers: What has your experience been?

23 Comments

Filed under "High-class" prostitution, Relationships

23 responses to “The Conflict: Falling in Love with A Prostitute/Escort – Part 1

  1. MIQ

    Dedicated to you !

    • mia

      Hello Sarah, my first visit of your biog was 6 months ago. In that time I started date my client, who felt in love with me after one day meeting. I am very skeptical to man, even Italians:) so for me it was still kind of working relationship but i just pretend to be his girlfriend. I am not so naive to give up work, all money for man who is paying escorts. so even he offered me financial help I was still secretly in business. after 3 months he discovered that i was terribly cheating on him, and he wanted break with me. during one week, when i was crying that i lost him i understood one thing. he filled me up with wonderful emotions, he was supporting in me in everything, he took care about me, he really loved me, we were traveling together and having wonderful time of complicity. However he gave me last chance, telling me he understand that i am in difficult position and that he loves me so much that he want give me one more chance. Basically i have what i need from him, he is offering me great working positions, he offered me setting up a business for me (i think he just wanna make me busy so i don’t think so much about work), he is giving me money. i think he is dream man and first man that i can imagine my future with him. but i feel so lost.
      my one half knows that this is life with real values, where i can be happy and my second half want this freedom, independence, adrenaline and easy money. i feel like that with escorting i closed my chance to humble (i was extremely humble before escorting) balanced and happy life. Because that small voice in back of my head is making me temptations.
      fortunately i was smart enough and i invested all money from escort and now i am having money coming to my pocket from three flats that i am renting, so one could think i was able to extract best from escorting and now maybe i have to look for life partner and take care about my emotional future (i am 26).
      when i see what i wrote i feel really stupid, i think this could be great possibility for me to finish that hell-job, but it is not:( i feel so desperate.

      i would like to know what you think about this and if you know if there are some girls that could really get out from business (and how).
      How is future of escort girl? how usually these kind of girls end up? aren’t you scared that you miss your big love and you will have this empty life forever?

      i wish you a lot of luck into future and a lot of right decisions:)

      kiss Mia

    • ArnoldW

      First of all, a prostitute is degrading her body by selling it for money. I am not religious, yet a woman’s body is a temple. It is a very sacred thing, very beautiful and design for reproduction. One can philosophize on the subject using cunning minds but ask your heart would you love a loose woman who does sell her body to other men for money?
      Not talking for reasons why women become prostitutes. Yet, as soon as a woman decides she would sell her body-this is the beginning of the end.
      Prostitution is NOT a job-it is a choice! Do not invent new definition! Do not excuse wrong choice.
      Simple morons only fall in love with a prostitute. Yes, it might be a situation when a prostitute decides it is enough the fool fits for me.
      Good luck to everyone!

  2. Sayuri

    Dear Sahar, I’m happy to see another post.
    At the same time I feel angry and sad sometimes, knowing how many people can be so cruel and lacking empathy, and use flawed logic to rationalize their dehumanizing attitudes towards sex workers. I ask myself often ‘what can I do?’ to only to feel very helpless afterwards. There is one thing I do, and that’s donating small amounts to an organisation that helps sex workers without condemning them. Such organisation are scarce and precious. Unfortunately they cannot count on widespread support.
    I stopped writing myself, because it consumed too much energy. I also tried to totally distance myself from ‘my past’, but to no avail.
    And talking about the subject doesn’t help either.
    Even a ‘deviant’ point of view towards prostitutes (and not confirming the hurtful stereotypes) seems ‘risky’, I noticed.
    Stereotypes come very quickly, unfortunately they are very harmful and hurtful l to the people involved. Your sentence “Well, she’s a whore, what can you expect.” summarizes stereotyping very well.
    After I ‘quit’ officially I was often wondering if I’m worthy of love.
    I have a one client now, who I describe more as a lover.
    But even he can’t reconcile the thoughts of me as his lover, and thoughts of me being his prostitute. I’ve noticed he has trouble pronouncing the word in my presence, while I have no problems with that word.
    He’s very respectful towards me, but this stereotype of ‘immoral woman = prostitute’ seems very deep-roothed, which is sad, because he’s a very lovable man.
    Yet, I’m very happy to see another post.
    Love Sayuri.

  3. XandrewX

    I enjoyed reading 🙂
    Love and dating an escort is a tricky one isn’t it. I’m a man who until a few months ago visited in call escorts I have such respect for them even though a couple were difficult bookings (didn’t hit it off) I fell in love with one escort, saw her 8 times and she always promised to date but I knew meeting would never happen bless her. I would have dated her for the company and wouldn’t have wanted sex, free sex WASN’T the reason, I would have dated her whilst she was seeing clients because sex for money is her job, however if our relationship became serious like moving in together then she’d have to quit. I don’t think marriage with a prostitute could ever work.

  4. XandrewX

    ‘What I found amusing, during a heated argument I told her she is a deceitful, compulsive lying, trash of a person. A whore. A prostitute’ …… unbelievably disgusting comment, I’m SO pleased I didn’t become a hobbyist, my problem was I’d fall in love with an escort but the lack of connection in return depressed me to the point I couldn’t go on so quit……. I miss sex though :/

    • Mia

      @Andrew
      You are a whore yourself , what makes you think you are better ? At least she gets paid ! You are the one who seek out people to pay for sex you think you are holier ? Sitting in your house browsing through sex ads and looking for someone to pay to have it off with? You are pathetic and I am glad she left you , double standard moron talking to her like that when you sleep around and it’s even costing you money

  5. MikeThompson

    I believe I have made this comment before, but I think it has some small importance. You continue to use the phrase “sell my body” to describe the services that you provide. I believe that this phrase reflects and internalization of the moral and political standards that you struggle to escape from.

    You use your body to provide services. The same is true of a roofer, a sanitation worker, a carpenter, a dentist and an athlete. The service you provide may involve more intimate physical contact (although the dentist and the physician do get right in there), but the customer, client, patient does not “buy” your body. Your body remains yours. Part of the stigma that you rail against is reflected in the phrase that you use to describe your work. Like any other service worker, you have the right to use your body to provide a service without condemnation, provided your service does not harm those who consume the service.
    Mike

  6. Buzz

    I agree wholeheartedly with what you wrote. I’m in love with a prostitute who was pushed into the business for economic reasons. I was never a frequent punter but we met last year and from the very moment we met something inside each of us “clicked”. I started going back as a regular, something I’ve never done. Recently we’ve slowly built a relationship, such that it can be, since. She says I’m the best thing to come out of her experience these past two years. Hell, she doesn’t like what she does, says it’s “a shit job” but the money is the lure.

    I try to not think about her sharing her body with others and we’ve talked about it. I know that I see a side of her when we’re together that no one else sees, both in terms of intimacy and in terms of her opening her private life to me. In exchange I offer her patience, empathy, understanding and a willing ear when she’s had a trying day though that is sometimes tough for me. I know letting her talk it out is the best thing I can do. She plans on getting out, hopefully for good and is preparing to do so as I write this. She said she knows that a normal job isn’t going to pay nearly what she makes now but she also says that this isn’t the lifestyle for her. She very much craves a normal life with her son where she’s home every night even if that means making considerably less. I hope she can do it.

    Neither of us has promised the other anything other than being there when and if wanted and needed. She’s been very cautious with me insofar as saying she won’t promise me anything because her life is a “mess” at present and she won’t drag someone else into that. I know that there are challenges ahead for both of us but, God willing, it’ll work out because I’ve never met a woman I was so in tune and compatible with.

    My relationship with her has taught me many things, many of which I haven’t shared with her. I’ve learned just how real sex workers are, that they are entitled to respect, love and caring the same as anyone else. Yes it is a different life and there are some or even many who are hard hearted and cold. But I see the same thing in the business world, the only difference is that one makes their money while naked and the other while wearing a suit. Okay the other difference is that the cold, hard hearted suit gets to ruin the lives of hundreds or thousands with the stroke of a pen. The prostitute, for the most part, only risks losing herself.

    • Lara

      I am sure she also appreciate you. You have empathy. I am in love with a client and the love making is amazing and I said to him not to pay me anything cause my love Nd feelings- aren’t for sale . Did I do right? I don’t know..
      I love him so much. But I know he can’t commit
      God helps me
      Xx

  7. albert

    I think falling in love is a treacherous path but one that is necessary in order to live a complete life. Whoever one falls in love with regardless of creed or occupation deserves honesty and trust.

  8. Sayuri

    I’m looking forward to a part two 🙂

  9. Yp

    Hi great blog site. One question i have was the reason you chose this profession. Was it due to financial situation or just peer pressure / pue curiosity?

  10. i am so glad that u r posting again! i was checking back and forth on u..hope all is well and please keep writing! ure an excellent writer maybe someday publish ur work into a book or something

  11. Yee I think You are right! Not every prostitute is the same.

  12. Nils

    “An escort is no different than any other human being. Yes, her lifestyle is different, but she/he is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else”

    Yes!

    Have you heard the expression; “Love conquers all obstacles” ?
    Why shouldn´t that be plausible for an escort and, or her darling too?

    Cheers

  13. I fell in love with an escort last year. It caused me much pain. Through this experience I am trying to find my way out of the “hobby”. I thought blogging might help, but I am not sure.

    https://tolohclientblog.wordpress.com/

  14. I had this boyfriend before but when he found out about it he completely dumped me so sad but i just have to accept the truth otherwise i will end up being a fool believing that he really loves me

  15. I began seeing escorts six months ago and was having a good time…until I met an unusual, beautiful, funny, smart, older escort with whom I became infatuated. I still am. I don’t know how to stop obsessing about her. I wish now that I would have never started seeing escorts, I feel miserable.

  16. Errhi

    Ok erm so I’m technically in love with one. I mean it’s pretty much obvious to her. Then again she doesn’t know me well enough. Thing is I’ve made some humongous blunders and she isn’t pissed at me. My problem is that I’m not exactly normal so I dunno how to talk to people. I mean I told her that so maybe she believed me. Here’s the thing I’ve been going to her workplace to just talk to her. She keep saying she feels bad and tells me I should stop doing it so much and she’ll have lunch with me sometime. I mean she told me about her kid when I asked (though she lied 15 min before) and she asked me if I was angry. I said no what right do I have to judge her. Not sure why’d she’d think I’d get pissed.

    I dunno how do I put it this way I asked her why she was doing this and she said she has a huge debt. I mean I feel bad for her but then again it’s not really my place to do anything. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming her for her choice of job. I actually want to help her but the ones with the money to do it are my parents not me. Yes I know it’s childish to say but it’s the truth cos I’m still in college. I don’t blame her I actually feel useless because I can’t help her at all. Is it conceited of me to think so that I should help her?

  17. scott

    I really appreciated your posts…very interesting ..ironically, your someone that needs love..and justifies not having it..is it hate?

    • Errhi

      Why would I hate her?

      • Errhi

        Well i have gone and made her angry at me by bugging her so I guess it’s too late. It wasn’t how this was supposed to end. Sounds whiny but I wish it didn’t end like this I never intended to. It’s just someone who advised me on this made me more paranoid and eventually I became needy and annoying. Nothing I can do now😢

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