Three Years Of Escort Diary

Old Man: “From the hot fire of being apart, comes the flame that burns the heart”

Lateef: “That was beautiful, you speak very well.”

Old Man: “These are words from the heart, my son”

-Dialogue from the film Baran (2001).

courtesan-dressingI started this blog three years ago. I started it during an important change in my life. I had just left my engagement. I had just immersed myself into the realm of working independently for the first time, without knowing what to expect. I was also a full-time University student. Three years later, I claim myself as a high-end courtesan, and strangely enough I feel a similar emptiness that I experienced when I started this blog three years ago. But much has changed indeed.

It would be incorrect to say that I’ve been empty and sad continuously. A prostitutes life and experiences witnesses an amalgam of emotions; nothing is static. In the past three years, there has been happiness and many blessings, and I’ve had many beautiful experiences. I am very thankful for them. My heart was grasped by my great lover, the Sheik, whom I wrote about in these past years. And as I had written, our love did eventually hit a brick wall, shattering our hearts. Wounds remain fresh. Burning, I am trying to see the beauty in this pain. For the moment, I honor this love by lonesome tears, finding the torment of separation unbearable, hopeless at times. The beautiful memories are starting to become clouded amongst the pain. And worst, I never showed any sorrow outwardly. Strangely enough, I concealed all of my pain with the facade of pride, thereby masking the tears of honor. In hopeless moments, I wanted all the love to turn into hate. But the truth remains in the heart. God only knows the extent of my heart, the honoring of love through tears.

Here is an incomplete poem I wrote a while ago: 

In the midst of helplessness, I sought to destroy my image.

Perhaps intentionally, I destroyed myself before your eyes,

Tarnishing your perception of my beauty, my grace,

Converting the good memories into hate, regret, despair.

But my intentions were for the sake of survival,

So that you can feel no remorse, so you forget my beauty, forget our bliss.

You can say, “She never loved me. She only loved money. She is happy selling herself. She has other men in her life.”

I painted this false impression.

Yes, in my state of helplessness, I wanted you to believe these things, so you feel no guilt.

For hating me will make your life easier rather than seeing that I loved you with all my heart and life.

Though silent and concealed, God only knows the extent of my honor,

The secrets lay concealed in my heart.

______________________

For this post, I will share some meaningful, poetic lyrics to a song:

madhubala-tawaif

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya  – When we love, why should we fear?

The following lyrics are from the masterpiece film Mughal E Azam (1960) which is filled with the most enriching Urdu dialogue and songs. The film depicts the legend of Anarkali, the tragic tale of the Mughal Prince Salim and his love Anarkali, a courtesan. In the film, Anarkali sings the song Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya to defend her love with Prince Salim, and also to defend the honesty of her heart (she was accused of deceit). By revealing her heart in this song, she was risking her own life. Her honest heart lead to her imprisonment.  Her love, Prince Salim, also endured all the punishments for the sake of their love. For as the song says, “We have only loved, why should we be afraid?” The Urdu lyrics are powerful and expressed so beautifully. Visually, I love watching the actress Madhubala performs this song so eloquently. Here is a translation of the lyrics:

It is but once that man falls in love with another

In anguish he lives, in anguish he dies

When we have loved, why should we fear?

We have loved, not committed a theft

We have only loved

Why should we be afraid?

I’ll reveal today the secrets that stay in my heart

Death is what the world witnesses

What good is dying a death of sufferance like this?

We have loved, why should we fear?

In desire of him, I shall burn

For love, I shall live

For love, I shall die

Nothing more is my will

Now that I am in love, why must I fear?

Our love will not remain hidden

Everywhere around us are stories of our love

There is nothing that separates us from God

Why should we create barriers between humans?

We have loved, why should we fear?

Watch Madhubala’s beautiful performance of Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya in Mughal E Azam:

On a final note, here is another powerful line that is attributed to Anarkali:

While flowers wither away, “Thorns live not in fear of wilting”

20 Comments

Filed under Memories, My Poetry and Others

20 responses to “Three Years Of Escort Diary

  1. The elegance of your expression is striking. I feel the depth of emotion in your words. Your love is honorable but this life is a strange one…

  2. Knostantin

    Real friends are better, than lovers. Though, it’s hard to find any in money-means-more-than-human western corporation idolized cult.

    • escortdiary

      Elaborate?

      • Konstantin

        If you do something for yourself you do not need any compensation for your activities.
        If you do something useful for others you need some reimbursement of your personal expenditures.
        Money were “invented”, like universal “measure” of exchanges.
        They could serve for the better of the World, if they will estimate the exchanges properly (honestly).
        It, could happens, if money would be the adequate measure of humans gratitude to the working person, they would serve for good.
        Capitalism has the main evil in its origin: it allows some people, legally collect money, stilling them from other, without any gratitude of working people.
        Real friends are people, that are able to do something for each other without making mutual “debts”. Who serves as sources of goods for each-other. They are able to “produce” more, than to use. Such type of economics is not supported by capitalist economics (there are no such laws in it). In reality, they foster stilling from others, than support common productivity.
        Lovers (in narrow sense) are people who satisfy sex desires of each other. Sex is very important part of human lives. But sex is not enough. Moreover, sex is rooted in basic animal instincts. The more people become human (the more intellect and soul develop in them), the less pure sex satisfies them.
        Human brains are the main “love organs” not penises and vaginae. Brains and souls could be developed by only real work, interactions and communications among people. The crucial thing is quality of the process: truth; correctness, fairness, equity, justice.
        In case the word, interactions and communications are spoiled by wrong laws, people are “suffocated” in their ability to become real humans. Law must support better of humans. If lawyer is a swear – it means laws are wrong!
        It is interesting, that God (Bhaga) means the who, which is able to give to others without “emptying” him(her)self. Many religions propose people to be “like gods”, but small of them implies, that beside of the creativity of a god, people need to be “a part of other human beings and the world around”. The last circumstance, by its essence are defined by the way people work, interact and communicate — economics and laws.

  3. The Lady of the Camellias

    Hi,
    This is my first comment here. I found your blog accidentally and since then I read many articles you wrote here. Your writings amazed me. Your words are flowing simply. Your feelings are so impressive. You give here also a priceless information about this hidden adult industry world. You describe it, analyze it with pure honesty from your point of view. Whenever readers ask, you answer in great details. Whenever they seek advice, you reply. Your replies are so polite even with rude comments. You are well cultured and you seem you read a lot. Your page is simply beautiful and attractive. Your inner side is as much beautiful as your outer side. I whisper in your ears ” Dont be upset or regret on past, we all did mistakes and sins, most of us had a “lost love”, so stay connected to God. Society is not a judge on anything, only God who knows and judges who is really good person and who is bad one”. See you in next posts.

    • escortdiary

      I am deeply touched by what you wrote. Your words of kindness say much about the special person you are, for a great person is one who has the ability to uplift the happiness of others (and you just made me smile). So I shall say thank you to your for your kind heart. Until next time..

      • The Lady of the Camellias

        Thank you for your compliment, and I promise to keep posting to you and I may share with you my tragic experience with love someday (yes always kind hearts contain deep pains!)

  4. simi69

    Dear Lady
    Pray you get the Love that you yearn and desire for. The one lover that will satisfy you which your esteemed clients have been unable to provide

    • escortdiary

      As always, thank you Simi. I already have (and had) the love I yearned for dear. I will keep my faith and let the Divine unfold my fate. When we stay loyal to our heart, we will find our calling. Blessings.

  5. Aphrodite

    Dear Sahar, I see your heart is in pain. Hopefully you’ll find some positive energy somewhere.
    ‘For love, I shall live
    For love, I shall die’.
    Beautiful words. I also like see this words in broader, worldly context. A touching love song. But also a love song that can touch the hearts of many people, not only of the ones in love with a man, or a woman. And so it touches me, too.
    ‘Cause for love, we live. And for love, we die.’
    This has been my saying for a long time: ‘I live for myself, and for no one else.’
    This is what everyone has always told me, even as a little child.
    Somehow, I can understand, on an individualistic level, that people have to find self-love.
    But on the other hand, life is so pointless, if it only were for ourselves.
    People say: ‘You cannot love others, if you don’t love yourself.’
    A saying I’ve started to look upon with a skeptical eye. How can one have a notion of love, if she doesn’t have experienced it coming from other people?
    ‘For love, I shall die.’ Also true. If one lives without love, that person is alive, but does not live. And if love leaves you, a part of you dies, also. Yeah…maybe a bit far-fetched, but I like to make my own interpretations of songs 😉

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing that dear. A heart in pain isn’t always a terrible thing — I’d rather immerse myself in pain then runaway from it (like most people). It’s not easy, but I see the purpose of a burning heart. Blessings to you.

  6. Emerald

    Dear Sahar,
    The old man’s quote immediately drew my attention. And indeed … another powerful blog describing your inner feelings.
    I love your poem but I reckon it might never be finished. As long as your secret of the extent of your love remains concealed in your heart, the poem continues. And there is beauty in that situation for it not only shows your love is true but expresses your inner beauty of caring for other people even if this causes great personal pain.
    Be blessed and as a Punjabi friend told me several times: “All things – either good or bad – happen for a reason. Never loose faith”.

    • escortdiary

      Emerald
      I am deeply touched that you grasped the emotion of my post…as I assume I’m mostly writing in a way that nobody can truly understand. My best wishes to you.

  7. One is highly intrigued as to where the journey will lead you as you explore the peaks and abysses of the emotions that flow through you.
    One is totally captivated by your prose and deductive reasoning.

  8. emotions like this is not what you expect when reading Escort diary.
    huge like.

  9. an escort

    Is this real? Could she be this overly dramatic. Sheesh. Lighten up.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for your criticism. I can see your point. Most of what I express on my blog is never expressed in real life.

  10. Scythian

    I have always wondered why it is regarded OK to depict the scenes of theft, robberies, and murders on the screens of TV and cinemas, whereas the scenes of sexual intercourse, and many other amorous acts are banned.
    What TAKES property, life and brings sufering is allowed to be watched, while what brings pleasure and often GIVES life is banned.

  11. Raj

    Hi,,i m reading your articles..I would like to meet you. Are you still doing this?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s