A Courtesans’ Perspective: Fragments of Thought

Lately, I am reluctant to share my thoughts. Sometimes I see no purpose to continue writing at all, but then I’m reminded of how my writings can, perhaps, comfort and help others with similar experiences. Rather than a usual post,  this post contains fragments of my writings in recent months.

nature

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(…) I am immersed in emptiness. Yet this lonesome exile inspires my poems. Had everything remained glorious, would I ever conceive these poems? These thoughts brew endlessly in sleepless nights. If you see beauty in my words, then please know that they are the result of pain and tears.

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(…) At least, with your protective arms, I could forget the world. Forget all my worries. But now, there is no hope. No security. No protective love from you. Everything is gone. I want to escape so desperately. But I can’t. I am on my own. And this debauched society tells people to be ‘independent,’ in an effort to mask their exploitative interests. Yes, I am praised for being ‘independent,’ yet this made me further isolated from warmth and belonging — who did this really benefit after all?

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On “The Impact of Travels” :

(…) When I was in my early teenage years, I remember walking along a narrow lane in a busy city in Northern China. I was starting to become aware of my rapidly blossoming womanly body. My appearance caused the attention of onlookers, who first complimented my appearance and then ask “Where are you from?” Ethnic wise, I can be anything from Turkish to Turkmenistani, so whenever I travel internationally people often assume I am mixed with their local culture. As I walked along, an elder man, who seemed to look like a holy man of some sort, stopped before me. He bowed at my feet and then apparently blessed me. These early instances of superficial admiration started to build my growing sense of self..

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(…) I realize my daily routine is really just feeding someone else’s dream. Countless hours spent studying, reading. And I do this with painstaking joy and curiosity. But why through these elitist institutions? It’s very discouraging when realizing that most of our lives have been strategically tailored to maintaining a system of profit and greed. 

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Poetry:

(…)Let me wither away. Let me be like a corpse, a dead body, attracting all the vultures. Let them feast upon my body until it’s empty. What is the point to remain a half-dead body? 

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“Hopeless Moment” :

I cannot bear to be a burden to anyone anymore, so I stay in my own prison. If I don’t sell my dead body, then my savings will go dwindling, just like my heart. How can an escort remain successful when she is dead inside? My success is tied to my sense of hope — but how does one continue this work when all hope is faded? This smile is so fragile. I cannot bear to be fake, but I have too. 

My ‘sweetness’ is fragile, and I pray that good men will approach me. I fear the bad side of this industry, as I’m far too weak, at this particular moment, to deal with the bad seeds. And sadly, bad seeds are increasingly abundant….

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On “Annoyances of Advertising” :

In a perfect world, I could advertise and only lovely men would contact me. But in reality, my carefully outlined website isn’t enough to deter morons from contacting me and wasting my time. Yes, there are hungry vultures of men who sit on their computers, calling up escorts and inevitably waste our time. They have no sense of courtesy or respect. I ignore these types, yet unfortunately they are part of the process of sifting good potential clients from bad ones. I must say thanks to God, because my clients are lovely men who are deeply respectful. But sadly, an escort has to encounter the BAD to see the GOOD. And even worse, sometimes it’s not so easy to tell the good from the bad. 

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On “The Doctor: an ‘Endowed’ Client” :

(…) I was not used to his endowed thickness. He was too lovely to deny, so I wanted to try. He asked, sweetly, “Are you okay?” I told him, “Yes,” and motioned him to continue pushing it inside me. Whilst this handsome young doctor was attempting to fill me with his thickness, I was fantasizing that my previous lovers were watching me take it. I expressed this fantasy to another client, Mr.Zee, last night. Whilst he penetrated me very passionately, I said, “I wish a group of young handsome men are watching us, would you be shy?”

At times, that’s one of my main fantasies: to have my lovers watch me getting so wet and horny for another handsome man’s thickness. I want my lovers to get angry, yet at the same time see their manhood getting immensely hard. And then, my lover, of course, gets his turn after the other(s) finish. I do not actually consider doing this fantasy, but talking about it can be exciting…

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On “My Heart and Love Cannot be Bought” :

I swear, it is really the most strangest feeling to be extremely sad, hopeless, unhappy whilst simultaneously laying in the arms of a man who thinks you are a Goddess. I can illustrate this by narrating a client I recently saw. This client was of similar origins to myself. He saw me and couldn’t stop praising me. He said I was his dream girl, and he wanted to dedicate the entire appointment to praising me. His flattery was along the lines of “I’ve been dreaming about the most perfect girl all my life, and it is you.” He literally was licking and kissing my body for 2 hours. After he made me orgasm, he insisted that I come again, and again. Eventually, I had to forcefully push his head away from between my thighs. I found his sweetness very lovely, and felt very thankful for it. But I knew what he wanted — he wanted love. And I have no love in my heart to give him, except for the moments he paid for. He reminded me of my ex-fiance, who went to all lengths to make me feel pleased and happy in the most selfless manner. I feel sad that I cannot give him the love he desires. 

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Without love, everything can seem so pointless. Why aspire to anything if life is going to be lonesome and meaningless? And ironically, there is love all around me. I do have men who love and admire me, offering me the life I dream about. But I do not love them. I cannot force myself to love someone. I want nobody else. I have no desire to meet others. My heart is in exile. 

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Poetic Thoughts:

Let me burn. Let me burn until there’s nothing left. I swear, I am only a body now. My soul has departed. Like Pakeezah called herself, I am just “a dead body.” I am a beautiful body, who’s dead inside. I am painted with kohl and red lipstick, appearing like an elegant beauty of exotic regions. Once, this beautiful body and face was filled with light within, but now, everything is gloom.

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More on “My heart and love is not for sale” :

(…) Lately, I’ve met too many single clients who are trying to get a relationship. Most are humble and respectful about it, which doesn’t bother me. But some are arrogant, who mistakenly think they can impress me with their money and so-called ‘success.’ To the arrogant types, I feel like saying, “I’ve had much BETTER than you. I’d rather DIE than settle with you.” Yes, that’s extremely harsh, but honestly sometimes that is what I feel. One overly-confident client asked, “If a man supported you financially, would you be with him?” And I said, “Only if I loved him, but otherwise no.” No, my love is not for sale. 

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I am back in hell. Silenced. I do not dare to share my pain with clients, or anyone. If I wanted to, I can be loved and cared for. But I don’t want to be near somebody I don’t love. I’d rather sulk alone. I don’t want pity. The only one who can console me is the one who just died. 

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(…) and these nights drenched in tears, surrounded by abundance, has made me realize the most invaluable purpose of life: God (love). 

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On “Mourning” :

It feels like I’ve spent these weeks in mourning. Mourning, yet there is no comfort in the sense of closure. Finally, I went to a place of death, where there is only mourning. And I cried. I was shocked at myself, as I almost never cry in front of strangers. Everyone around me was crying, and somehow I absorbed their pain too. But for the most, my tears were in vain, as I was mourning the death of my own love. And how does one mourn when their heart is shattered? How does one just continue in life? Life can never be the same. 

22 Comments

Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

22 responses to “A Courtesans’ Perspective: Fragments of Thought

  1. luvluv

    You words do matter. They show that you are more than just a sexual object–a person who is emotive and smart. For a moment I was considering entering the industry. I listen to your words because you’re honest with your emotions.

  2. Aphrodite

    Dear,
    I’m glad you saw sense in writing again.
    And I observe pain and sadness in your beautiful words, leaving me far from untouched.
    I wish I could give you solace, but it’ll only be a cold comfort.
    Kisses

  3. Very powerful and poetic words.

  4. Paris

    Dear ED,

    You and others have written on the pain experienced by the heart (through your lifestyle) of wounding so repeated and layered or buried so deep there seems, simply put, no hope, no alternative.

    I wonder, what keeps you and others from healing the pain? Is it shame, fear, doubt?

    • escortdiary

      @Paris

      For myself, personally, it’s not the act of having sex for money which is emotionally painful. The hard part is dealing with society. Years ago, I internalized the ‘shame’ with my job. But now, I realize I am not doing something wrong. I have already ‘healed’ in that sense. I try to conduct my lifestyle in a positive light. However, despite my change of attitude, the fact that prostitutes are rejected by society still exists. This affects many aspects of our lives, especially our relations with other people. The social stigma of being a prostitute pushes us further away from relating and belonging to others. Indeed there are lovely souls who accept, love, and admire us, but even then our experiences can make us feel isolated. I am blessed to have experienced love and have met many admirers, but even then I still feel a disconnect.

      The sadness expressed in this post relates to a personal event, a loss. It’s not so much related to my work. A tragedy can affect anyone regardless of their profession. Losing a loved one is, perhaps, harder for a marginalized individual, such as a prostitute. Our secret life can cause us to feel so isolated, so the desire for true love becomes intensified. As I emphasize in this post: I do have the option to love and be loved by great men, but I do not love so easily. I am not looking either, as the true love I had is not replaceable. I would rather be alone than be with a man whom I do not truly love.

  5. “(…) I realize my daily routine is really just feeding someone else’s dream. Countless hours spent studying, reading. And I do this with painstaking joy and curiosity. But why through these elitist institutions? It’s very discouraging when realizing that most of our lives have been strategically tailored to maintaining a system of profit and greed. “

    That is what all academic people realize when they reach the end of the road. Your ‘scientific curiosity’ is really about making profit or sustaining the system. Your nerdiness is to exploited, “greed is good” and all the rest of that crap.

    Sometimes I wonder if you read Kaczynski’s Manifesto, you mirror many of his ideas and not just here.

    • escortdiary

      I was alluding to power, and how power constructs our lives. My idea is nothing unique, it’s widely held among social and cultural academics. This idea is stems from the French philosopher Michel Foucault, who inevitably revolutionized a lot of academic scholarly thought.

    • Paris

      >Anoxxx

      “That is what all academic people realize when they reach the end of the road. Your ‘scientific curiosity’ is really about making profit or sustaining the system. “

      I would strongly disagree with this. While I cannot speak for any academic body, curiosity, in whatever context you wish to relate it (a la “academic curiosity”), ultimately becomes a personal journey and responsibility. Any true detective (scientist) knows there is no “end of the road” (the universe is infinite – this includes the non-physical) because the more you know, the more you realize how much you don’t know.
      Whether others choose to exploit what another ‘offers/discovers’ for profit is another matter, but I admit my feathers will always get ruffled at the suggest that my inspiration and curiosity are fueled by a desire for profit, for myself or others. At least for me, there is always an experience of joy in the discovery, that moment when a thousand little details congeal into a picture of lucid clarity that signifies expanded awareness. THAT, I do live for.

      • escortdiary

        Well said. Despite social constraints, nothing is static — change is an endless process.

      • That is beautiful, Paris. And you are right about ‘the end of the road’, it does not exist. I guess those of us who want to end it call it that.

        I think it is really about the angle *you* want to look at it and your ambitions and priorities in life at the current moment. I just always saw this ‘curiosity’ fading away in me and among many of my colleagues as we progressed through life, usually for personal desires for profit. And boredom, too.

      • Paris

        Fair enough, and thanks for your kind reply.

  6. And why so sad? Did a loved one of yours die?

  7. Robert

    “He reminded me of my ex-fiance, who went to all lengths to make me feel pleased and happy in the most selfless manner. I feel sad that I cannot give him the love he desires”

    You words, here, and in other posts have struck through to my heart. My girlfriend is an escort (I am a former client) and we are struggling at the moment. I love her deeply and we mutually express that verbally frequently. She went back to work recently (her own money issues, she refuses to accept any from me) and since then I feel like she is pushing me away and that a wall to physical contact between us is slowly being constructed. I’m OK with the work and we are open about it. But, she can’t do both, love me physically and work. It makes me sad and frustrated and wondering if I’ve done something wrong. She wants to retire and had said that I am a part of that but I feel like she is slowly drifting away from me. Reading your words lets me know that someone has experienced this before and perhaps that its not me. I want to help her in any way I can, but I’m not sure what I can do. Perhaps nothing…

    Thank you for writing.

  8. Such poignant gems; many interesting thoughts and stories here. You express so beautifully your passion for life, even within the deepest sorrows. I love your truthfulness and the vibrance of your descriptions.
    Heartbreak is agonizing, and the darkness of the winter season probably does not help any. I hope you will keep writing as your voice is such a gift, to your readers and to yourself. Perhaps there will be some measure of healing that comes from it.
    My lover told me that it is a fantasy of his watch me be taken by a man who is more well endowed than him, then for that man to watch him with me. I was surprised by that when he first told me; I thought it was a strange fantasy.
    And yet I had another lover during the time that we separated who was thicker than him, and that quality did provide its own benefits for me…and after awhile I started to think of it myself, the two watching each other, envious and aroused at the same time…
    I would not want to actually do it but like you say it is an intriguing fantasy. One of my friends told me a story about how one time she was with two guys at once. She had imagined that it would be very pleasurable as two guys would both be worshipping her and catering to her needs. But in reality it ended up being hardly pleasurable for her at all as the two guys together became very macho and competitive and were barely paying attention to what she wanted. That’s men I guess…
    Blessings and hope you find your inner sunshine 🙂

  9. MrZ

    Dear Courtesan,

    Thank you for sharing your stories, thoughts, and emotions. And thank you for writing so elegantly… it’s a pleasure to read. But more than that, it’s helping me, in a unique way.

    A few months ago I met a gorgeous woman at a party. I felt an attraction to her that so visceral, I don’t remember the last time I felt that way. I got her phone number and asked her out on a date. On that first date, she decided to do away, for the first time, the carefully constructed facade, and instead try the truth with me from the get-go. She was a high-end escort, very much like yourself. I was surprised, but my curiosity and ultimately attraction to her made me ask a billion questions of her. We talked about the details of the job, how her work affected her relationships, stories of her clients, etc… Later she told me that she was very surprised by my reaction, as she was preparing for the worst.

    At the end of our second date, I asked if she’s still working as an escort. She said, “sometimes”, and asked if that bothered me. But I was already prepared for her answer, and long ago thought about mine. I’m a regular guy, but I’m neither delusional nor stupid. I see her as she is, a beautiful, smart, sweet, kind-hearted woman, but at the same time, terribly wounded, flawed, and different.

    We’ve been dating for a few months now, and it hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve thought about ending things with her multiple times. But lately things have reached a very nice place for the both of us. She has finally let down her guard this month and our sex has hit new heights, with the added emotional depth. She has told me early on that her emotions develop much slower than the men in her life. I believed her, and tried to keep my emotions for her developing at the same pace. I ask nothing of her, except one thing, honesty. So far, she has kept her end, and tried to give me as much of herself as she could. But, we both know she could never give me what I truly want.

    I know how this is going to end. We’re both going to be left heart-broken and raw. She confessed a few weeks ago that she felt her emotions and wanted to run away from me. I told her I would never blame her for the emotions that I feel, and that I would never chase after her. She decided not to leave that night.

    All I wanted to say is, thank you for sharing your world with us. I know I could ask her many of the same questions, but coming from you, it has more emotional distance and makes it easier for me to process. I understand perfectly that you’re not her and some feelings you have she doesn’t share. But there are enough similarities… and those… help a lot.

    So, thank you.

    MrZ.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for your comments and sharing your story.

      Sorry to hear of your situation. If she is special to you, and you love her, then why give up so easily? (I’m assuming she feels the same way). Love is the meaning of life; people make the mistake of thinking love can occur rationally. Don’t look for straight lines.

      Best of luck

      • MrZ

        I’m not sorry for my situation, and you shouldn’t be either. Although somethings haven’t been easy, we make each other very happy, and neither of us is giving up… yet. Sometimes a little heart-break at the end is worth the journey. It all depends on what you get out of the journey. That’s how I look at it.

  10. key4adream

    Please go on with your blog and writings.
    You are helping me to better understand my situation and manage my emotions for an escort girl I’m madly in love with.
    I’m at the moment still confused and vulnerable. I need you and your blog 🙂

  11. simi69

    Dear Sahar
    Thanks for being an Honest writer.Shall always admire you for your beautiful writings which reflect your inner beauty

  12. John

    Nice views and writing. I belong to same ethnic background (as I assume) as you. I have met and seen many men and women who want to break free of this conventional and traditional world and want to follow what they want to, but somehow they can not. My view about life is: there should be no upper limit of your desire and pleasure about anything, do what u feel good about. I have recently started hiring escorts, sole reason is I am madly passionate about getting and giving sexual pleasure – to and from multiple partners. I know it is not too good on many levels, but I can’t help it, as it is my inner desire and passion.

    All the best for whatever u want!

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