A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

heart

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old proverb (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I didn’t appreciate his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, generous amount of savings, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. The things I desire are family, good friendships and love. And to have a family with security and protection (something I didn’t have) I desire stability with the man I love — a man that I once had, but I threw him away. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if life is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together. I love him, but I cannot bare the idea that our love will never blossom into something truly symbolic: a family.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means that he will lose his family, his career. Staying here means our children will have only one set of grandparents, from my side. Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways. Our love is a classic example of how the cruel forces of politics and society are preventing us from establishing our basic desires.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

—————————————–

Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

19 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Dealing with Depression, Memories, My Poetry and Others, Relationships, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

19 responses to “A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

  1. AnonymousGirl

    Maybe it is about learning a lesson, or maybe it is a second chance.

    Would it be the same for your child as it was for you? Are you sure about that? Different parents means that the child will be taught different things. A network of loving friends can function as an extended family of sorts.

    Don’t give up on your dreams and don’t be afraid to change. Change is a constant thing- it’s just a matter of changing for better or worse. What do you want to do? What is your dream? How do you envision bettering the world and at the same time being content and finding inner peace with who you are? Even if it doesn’t work out for you and your sheik, it doesn’t mean you can’t find love a third time or reconnect with your past love if it’s possible. I’ve been in love twice. The first time, the guy promised me everything but I couldn’t be with him for reasons I won’t post here. The second time was more complicated, but so far it’s been working out even though a lot of people didn’t think we’d make it this long together. In the end, you have to do what brings you peace. Which one will you regret more- starting a new life with your Sheik or giving him up- since you seem to love him?

    And are you being realistic about what you want? Do you really want to get married and settle down? Are you really in love with him? Life is complicated sometimes. Around the time I fell in love the first time, I thought I was in love with someone else, but it turns out that I wasn’t. It wasn’t until I fell in love again that I realized the truth. These questions are only ones you can answer, and you don’t need to share it with the world (unless you want to). Just your shiek needs to know the final answer.

    Only you can change your path. Don’t be afraid to do what your heart is telling you is right. Trust yourself.

    • Rob

      I need advice, I fell in love with a woman from an online “regular dating” website after a few days of being with her we had the most amazing chemistry and I found true love again.

      I am 39 years old and had fell in love only once in the past more than 10 years ago, I have vast experience with women but I only fell in love once before so I know this is not the fact that I’m impressed by her beauty or a shallow feeling, I actually like her when she is not in make up and just comfortable home.

      After a few days we started dating she confessed that she had been an escort in the past, for me that was a big shock but I was completely able to get my head over that and continue to be happy, you need to understand that I come from a very very traditional family for example, my mother was only married to my father and when he passed away she never remarried or dated again. So to get over that fact was kind of a big deal for me. We moved in together and had a very loving relationship she is an exceptional woman and has a true pure soul. it’s been almost 7 months of being in-love.

      She has issues with depression, recently she was depressed and we cut a lot on the tons of sex we were having and affected me a bit because I have no addictions or anything like that so sex will be one of my few outlets, So I’ve been trying to be really really understanding about it, she was not even showering for almost a week she said it was all related to her depression. Yesterday she dropped a bomb on me she said that she wants to go back to “working” she said that is not only the money she said that it’s a feeling she can’t really explain. I’ve taken care of her from A to Z we don’t have luxury but she has everything she needs.

      I feel like running out and screaming she seemed so different yesterday when she mentioned this. Today is December 29th on December 26 she had just sent me this text: “I had a wonderful Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. We have a beautiful family”

      I am desperate I don’t know what to do, I know I can’t chain her to our relationship if she doesn’t want it but I also think that she doesn’t make right decisions for her a lot of times. Yes, she will make a lot of money, Yes, she will live the lifestyle, but at the end of the day she will end up alone and empty. She has a daughter that her mom takes care of, She is worried always about them.

      What can I do? Please help me I have absolutely no experience on anything like this.

      Rob

  2. AnonymousGirl

    And just to add, maybe you had two great guys come into your life because you are a great woman. Like tends to attract like. 😉

    • escortdiary

      Thank you very much for commenting and lifting my spirits.

      I suppose a lot of my wants are attached to the human need of belonging. I want these things as they are normative lifestyles mandated for women. But I also think a lot of escorts are fearful of being left alone and neglected, which is why the desire to have a family or have children seems immensely desirable (it’s this dream of being loved unconditionally by another soul that we yearn for).

      • VS

        Hello

        The way you have described yourself succinently is what caught my eye. It seems that you are in the midst of a mental(or spiritual) metamorphosis. I appreciate your open mindedness – and the fact that you have got higher levels of awareness which is stronger than your ‘ego’.

        For the past some years I have been trying to answer questions like, what is the meaning of life. For me I have run the ‘rat race’ quite successfully and ‘arrived’ with money. I have done various experiments in life (good, bad), made a bucket list and ticked off some items and ultimately realised many of them were manifestations of materialistic world.

        Neverthless I have been studying on the subject of spiritualism and have been reading a lot of teachings of buddha, osho, deepak chopra and I think this is truly blissful. In case of interest you may want to read on this subject.

        Do you do meditation?

        Many of the sufferings which you describe – you can find answers, solutions in spiritual teachings of above.

        regards
        VS

      • escortdiary

        Thanks kindly. There is no life without spirituality. I highly admire the rich diversity of spirituality in traditional cultures. Sadly, the rationalization of the Modern world has undermined the superstructures of many cultures.

  3. Ivan

    Hi there =)

    1st of all its been a while, but it looks you are still in the same place with this Saudi, I’m in a relationship with a cute libyan girl and FINALLY I think we are on track…she went thru uhmm lets just say a tough moment in the past (before me).

    My point is I have heard some of those things, and I’m gonna say what I told her? SO WHAT? where’s the tragedy? why is that so important? i agree that in the west you can perceive materialism yeah… but don’t tell me in MENA that doesn’t exist, i think it’s materialistic the extremely low salaries that qataris and in the UAE pay to Indians and foreigners but… some other day we can talk about it.

    Now, i can’t help it… every excuse and every barrier you express in this post is like you are talking about YOURSELF, what I’m reading is… I AM THE PROBLEM.
    His parents and his family as well as YOUR family are NOT going to live forever, so let it go… My guess is that they could be upset for a couple of years but if they love him… i think they will find a way to “forgive him”.

    Good luck

  4. Ivan

    by the way I read that other post… oh wow Don’t do that again to me lol too much temptation lol…Just kidding it was a beautiful visit to your mind and sexuality.

    Happy V day

    • escortdiary

      Thank you. I hope you caught the glimpse of irony in the last statement….
      Nevertheless good to have you back commenting.

  5. Havana

    This is heartbreaking on many levels for me as I am going through a similar situation. I fell head over heels for a client, quit cold turkey and married him 3 months after meeting. It was a huge shift going from full time escort to housewife and as time goes on, I’m missing my independence and the excitement. I don’t regret marring at all, he is my heart and I couldn’t see life without him, but I regret jumping into my fantasy of “normal” without dealing with my reality. Now I’m in an awful position. All those old feelings I had before meeting him, the business woman in me wants to get out and go back to what I enjoyed so much. We’ve talked about it, he says he couldn’t handle it and would probably leave. He also says he’d hate to be at work wondering “Who is she with? How many clients did she have to see to afford that? And is she safe?” I HATE to put him through this because he’s such a good man but I don’t know how much longer I can live this lie. Not giving myself time to make a gradual transition back into normalcy has me so dissatisfied with life to the point where he’s my only joy. Plus I went from making up to $4000 a month to a $175 allowance from him and cannot find a job to save my life. I’m lost and horrified of losing him but also of continuing an unsatisfying life. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very hard being caught between two worlds. Its even more harder when most people cannot understand us. Often, I feel ‘choice’ is out of my hands, because whatever path that is available for me has hardships. As sex workers, many of us dream of a ‘normal’ life, yet even if we get it we cannot forget our previous lifestyle and identity. What alternatives are there? To remain or quit being a sex worker both have heavy emotional implications.

  6. Hi,
    I stumbled on your blog by accident last night and it has been a blessing to read it. Your mind is sharp and you have a great degree of knowledge and self-awareness, and by sharing your insights, your pain and your joys so generously, you have helped me to understand myself and those dear to me a lot better. Mankind owes a lot to women like you – those who choose this difficult life you describe so vividly and who continue to give kindness in return despite the solitude and despair that they have to face as a result of their own addiction. And congratulations on your writing – it is rich, thoughtful, effective and stimulating. Thank you so much, you should definitely publish.
    I am a white “western” man (though not originally from the west) in his 40s and have been paying women for sex for a long time. I consider myself to be a fairly straight-forward client, though I have probably become more painful over the years 😉 I used to be a “quickie” but grew increasingly interested in sharing sexual pleasure (i.e. taking but also giving). I have always tries to treat sexual workers with tenderness and affection. As you point out, I have always found that this has been reciprocated by the women that I chose. I fully agree with your comments elsewhere about the added charm of “mature” women, i.e. those with sexual experience and confidence in this business. As I have grown older, I have gotten more comfortable with experimenting with different kinds of women (including younger ones), but the one key theme I return to is that of trying to bond spiritually with the person that attracts me physically.
    Your writing has heightened my awareness of the duality of this desire, and how it can be experienced by my chosen companions. It has made me think and wonder if I am not more of a ‘monster’ than others I imagined myself to be ‘better’ than. What is so fascinating in this complicated web of relationships between clients and sexual workers are these contradictions. Your reflections on how the influence of society in defining for us the roles that we are supposed to play out in this life comes to bear on these relationships, and how we deal with that and the choices we make, is particularly compelling and full of interesting permutations.
    The main idea that has been in my head since reading your writing connects to my own current plight/blessing, that of being in love with an escort I met 2 years ago and which I have tried to escape, but that I keep returning to despite my best understanding that it is not good for me. We were getting quite close at one point, but our relationship has cooled off now and become more professional, which I think we both prefer, but I think we both retain some feelings (though at this stage I think it’s more me than her, I think she has been hardened by the business and disillusionment in the false dawns of these relationships, including the one with me).
    In my own case, and specifically with the woman I am enamored with, I even wonder if I am not the perfect yang to her money addiction ying. I was once very idealistic and abhored the idea of paying for sex, so could it be that my own addiction to paying for sex with her and others I like is partly an expression of my guilt towards women in general, and fundamental rejection of my role as the “dominant male” that I am somehow supposed to express and yet find simultaneously ridiculous and superfluous? More pernicious still: does her specific plight and difficult background which she shared with me, and which I believe to be true, motivate me even more? I hope not, but the thought is disturbing.
    And yet why do we continue? I cannot forget those moments of bliss, sexual and others that I shared with her, and my whole being yearns to sample that again. You have nailed what this is about: the need of the ego. Every person’s one is different, and so each one’s ideal will be different, but I wonder if there isn’t a common point in it all, which is the attraction and the need for our ego to be magnified. On its own, this is the negative side of today’s society and why sex is so important. And yet I continue to want to believe in the possibility and beauty of love, for myself, for her and for you.
    Is it the greatest illusion, this notion of love? Perhaps at this stage of human development, there is too much emphasis on it because the progress of Western society has torn apart the traditional connections that bound human beings in previous, simpler societal forms, and has thrown us into the lonely sea of individuality, in which we all struggle to survive and fundamentally suffer for some kind of belonging. Too much emotion and not enough rational thinking? And yet it is in the moment of love, both sexual and spiritual, that the ego is both magnified and at the same diluted, absorbed by that sense of unique fulfillment and oneness that comes from truly & fully connecting with another human being.
    Just some thoughts, mainly to express thanks and share something back. May you be blessed with good health, peace and wisdom,
    Thank you,
    Nino

    • escortdiary

      Wow, I am very flattered. Thank you for your well-thought and heart warming response. I am glad my blog can be of some use to others.
      You seem very aware of the realities of life, and I am glad you pointed out how your attraction/desire is a multitude of things besides just simple ‘lust.’ Indeed it is much more than physical attraction that constitutes to true love and good intimacy. And once we have it…..well, then, it is most euphoric feeling.

      I am compelled by your story. It’s so hard to evaluate such a scenario, because things can never make sense immediately. For some escorts, love and relationships are very challenging. We are constantly in a dilemma between our work and our personal lives. Yet eventually, many of us realize that money cannot complete our lives. Indeed we need love and belonging to survive emotionally.

      All the best. x

  7. Devastated

    I came across your blog trying to understand my husbands past, “Hobby”
    Yes, I’m the wife of a past hobbiest and I would like to share my feelings in hopes of finding some closure. My hobby was planting flowers :(((

    Over a year ago I discovered my spouse had been visiting escorts for at least 3 years. He accidently left his ECCIE account open and I discovered his secret that would change my life FOREVER. I take as much blame in his actions because we were in a sexless marriage. At a young age I had a surgery that sent me into early menopause and they finally discovered the problem 6 weeks before I discovered his secret. Within days of starting medicine my sex drive was back in full force and I was so excited to feel good again. But…I was too late…he was so lonely for love and compassion that he went from masterbating to porn into seeing escorts. I remember him telling me how much he hated life and how he missed me and our prior sex life. Then one day he told me, “If the cat doesn’t get fed at home, he will go elsewhere”. Sadly, I didn’t listen and he did just that.

    I don’t hate escorts because we all have our problems and challenges in life and when you judge, I believe you too will be judged. I feel an unmarried man that has trouble finding a relationship or has self esteem problems may benefit from an escort. (I’m sure other women would eat me alive for that comment and I’m sure they will) I just don’t believe a happily married man should betray his wife in such a manner. However, after reading your blog and the ECCIE site, I think it’s very common and many, many women that believe they’re in a great marriage and are clueless.

    I stayed because I love my husband and he had forgiven me early on in our marriage when I too had betrayed him. Now that our sex life is back and we have talked for hours upon hours trying to heal and save our marriage I need to try and forgive him. That’s where I’m stuck 😦 Sex is such a huge part of marriage and there is no excuse to deny your spouse a god given need to have a loving, intimate, caring, compassionate mate. For you married men, please leave her if you don’t love her or quit doing what your doing just for variety or fun. Don’t put her through that heartache, it’s so very, very gut wrenching. It will DESTROY her!

    I pray no other women have to experience the pain I have gone through during this past year. Some days were so very, very dark. In the beginning I just wanted to commit suicide, but I couldn’t hurt my children. I’m on so much medication and have to take other medications to taking away the side effects of the antidepressants. I cry all the time and when I read his reviews and look at the women he was with it’s the most painful experience I’ve ever had. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. The hotels I pass I cringe…wondering…was he there 😦 Some of the women were my oldest son’s age and that makes me so sad. I yo yo from denial, anger and depression and pray god gives me one day without a thought. Oh how I long for that day 😦 I’m thankful for my looks or I think the depression would be worse. I’m 5’4 125 34 D and have olive skin. My college sons friends call me a MILF. I’m not bragging, I just don’t want you to think I’m an ugly obese woman that could care less about her marriage and that’s why my spouse cheated. I was just messed up, didn’t care and he was so very, very lonely. I gave the dog more attention than I gave him. Some of the things he’s told me about his experiences were very dark and disturbing. Times where he was almost robbed, etc. He told me it was a dark world, but he was so desperate to be loved and touched. I honestly can understand that now that my sex drive is back. I can’t IMAGINE having sex every 6 weeks and making it a “quickie”.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I hope you find your prince charming and have a good life. Again, I don’t judge you, but I hate you give your body to others for their pleasure and not yours.
    Sincerely,
    Devastated

    • escortdiary

      Dear Devastated,

      Firstly, thank you for not judging me and secondly, thank you for sharing your story.

      Marriage is very problematic these days. There are just so many differing ideas about love, relationships, commitment, which is complicated more by the onset of globalization and technology. Many people are confused, relationships have lost their security. It’s so difficult to envisage a stable marriage when people are constantly on the move, both locally and globally.

      I do not have a solid advice to give you. But for married persons (men and women) I think there needs to be a bit of realism to the relationship. For instance, if one is doing long-distance or no longer having sex then there must be some openness to having sex elsewhere. One must also remember that love can change over time (it doesn’t mean it has to end, but studies have shown that the intense passion is only a phase). One can find comfort when they stop looking for straight lines.

      About your appearance, I am sure you are a beautiful woman. A lot of women truly believe that keeping their lover enticed is through their physical beauty (thanks to media propaganda). But I reject this notion, as I have seen many men cheat on their beautiful girlfriends/wives. A person should not neglect their intellect or mind, otherwise they just become an object that is easily disposed.

      All the best to you,
      x

  8. Devastated

    Thank you for responding…

    I read your post several times and it has really made me take a step back and look at myself. Your correct, physical beauty is just a part of being sexy and alive. I haven’t been using my mind or intellect through all of this and I need to start. I’m a college grad that owns and run a successful business. I use my mind and intellect for my work, but not in my relationship.

    I read your response to my spouse and he commented that a women that uses her mind and is confident is sexy. I never thought about that before…..

    I met with my therapist and she was shocked about how calm I was during the session and even mentioned how I was using my mind and not my emotions (WOW) I read her your post and she thought it was so ironic that one year ago I was so angry and bitter at escorts and how I ended up learning so much from an escort. She was very intrigued by your intelligence and how beautifully written your comment was. I don’t think escorting is your destiny. Have you ever thought about becoming a writer? Sharing your experiences?

    When I wrote my story on your blog I didn’t even bother to read your story that I responded to. I just needed an escort to know the pain a wife experiences. After reading the above story, It reminded me a lot of me when I was in high school. I was date raped, had a girlfriends brother basically do the same thing along with a brother in law that fondled me. I became very promiscuous and I just wanted someone to love me. I too, in reality, prostituted myself. That followed me several years into my marriage and it was hard to get out of that mentality. Similiar to what you’re experiencing.

    I read how you yearn for a child and that is something every women should experience and share with your lover. I recall my husband holding my hand and crying after I nearly died before and after childbirth. That was hard for me after finding his secret. Recalling all the precious memories.

    I too agree with your comments regarding relationships and thank you for responding to my letter. I feel I can move forward now and have a better understanding of life, relationships and the world in general…

    Wishing you happiness……Devastated

  9. simi69

    Dear Escort lady
    With ref to your answer on a client or man being well endowed or average or small. are their any specific dimensions to define this
    How Is it possible for you to get info on the clients size before you accept or reject an appointment
    Warm Regards

    • Rethink

      I have to apogise for sounding so harsh. that’s very wrong , jumping to conclusions without the full knowledge of your situation, I’m so sorry, please don’t be disturbed, I honestly just want you to have a better family life ahead. I’ve felt very guilty about my harsh language but I was judging solely from your blogpost. i really like your writing 🙂

      • escortdiary

        No hard feelings. I did not post your previous comment, as it was a bit harsh. However, I appreciate your feedback, and I understand what I write can be frustrating for some. I am still trying to understand everything — only with time, everything becomes more clear. Learning is an ongoing process.

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