An Escort in a Relationship with a ‘Normal’ Man – “What’s the Point?”

By ‘normal’ I am referring to a man who isn’t a client and a man who doesn’t know that I sell myself. The following story depicts the complications associated by a relationship with a ‘normal’ man, from an escorts perspective.  

I’ve been surrounded by men for the last several years, whether they are my clients or my lovers, so there is no incentive to have an interest in other men.

Yet one man, for the first time, had sparked my interests. He is neither a client, nor a lover…he is my school friend. We have known each other for a while now. When we first met, I had no interest in him. His dashing handsome looks didn’t sway me at all, as I assumed he was a typical male ‘bimbo’ chasing the dream of riches and social prestige like most other students.  But as fate had it, we ended up in several classes together. I discovered he had a keen interest in all the things I love, and rather than chase riches he was thirsty for knowledge. Soon I came to realize that this handsome man was far from typical. I had prejudged him. He was far from vain and ’empty’ headed. His admirable personality had conquered my interest, and I discovered that he was also captivated by mine. He confessed that he liked my views and the fact that I was opinionated and rather dominant when I felt passionate about something. We became friends, and it was obvious that we both felt an attraction to each other. Yet suddenly, my behaviour towards him changed. Previously, in classes, he was talking to me, sitting with me, and leaving with me. We were growing closer, which worried me.  Suddenly, I stopped everything. I changed completely, because I had realized something: “I can’t do this.” I don’t want to get close to him.

But the truth is I liked him a lot as a person, despite my actions. I went from friendly and interested to instantly cold and standoffish to him. I tried to avoid him at school. If he came to talk with me, I was very brief and walked away. I purposely sat far away from him. Essentially, I wanted to let him know: I’m not interested, back off. I dismissed him. We still bump into each other. I try to ignore him, but he, being the sweet man he is, always approaches and asked how I am doing and what’s new in my life. I try to end the conversations abruptly. I tell him I am busy and have to do something important. In his view, he thinks I don’t like him anymore. Yet ironically, I love his mind. What can explain why I have changed my attitude towards him?

As an escort, I am addicted to money. My poisoned mind tells me this: any non-profiting relationship with a man seems counterproductive (a waste of time).  Of course, I’m aware that my poisoned thoughts are wrong and self-harming. But aside from money, how can I possibly relate to a man who has no idea about my secret? I can’t tell him. Even if such a man accepts my ‘secret’ and even seeks to help me, like previous lovers, he can’t. The stigma follows me, because it’s scarred my soul. Only I have the power to heal my wounds, and essentially change my fate.

My other reasonings are simple: I am dead. He is alive. He is a man optimistic about life and has so much positive energy to give to others (which I admire). I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I am pessimistic about life, and I spread negativity. My life experiences have made me so jaded, and resultantly I don’t want to get close to many people. I isolate myself, because it’s easier than explaining my ‘successful’ independence. I can’t be with a man who I met in ‘normal’ circumstances, because I will not give up my escort-life for him (a man who isn’t my client). And it isn’t fair to escort without his knowledge. I can already predict the web of lies if we become too close. Like others, he will ask, “How come you don’t work? Where did you obtain the money for everything you have?” And what can I tell him? Do I tell him that I’ve slept with hundreds of men for money, and that I am aware of every sexual technique that exists? Of course I can’t. Rather than lie, I’d rather avoid the situation entirely, which means avoiding him.

On a side note: His attraction to me was something I admired. Unlike most men, I didn’t seduce him with my beauty. In fact, his attraction was the ‘real’ me…..which is not glamorous at all. I am not a glamorous woman in my day-to-day life, I am very simple. Doing my makeup, making sure my hair is perfect and dressing fashionably everyday is too much effort, let alone shallow. The only time I make an effort to look glamourous (in an objectifying way) is when I have an incentive: money. Otherwise, I have little incentive to be appealing externally. I didn’t have to objectify myself to spark his attention, which made me adore him even more.

12 Comments

Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Relationships

12 responses to “An Escort in a Relationship with a ‘Normal’ Man – “What’s the Point?”

  1. Angelina

    I just had to say I love reading you’re blog. I’m excited everytime you post something new. you should really consider writing a book or something of that sort.

  2. abu musa

    My sister in humanity look into islam. You will have a chance to reset your life and detach from money and world that comes with it. Bring soul back to what your creator wanted it to be like. Open the Quran. AM

  3. Ivan

    Hi there =)

    Uhmm well sounds like you are afraid, but before i continue just 1 thing about your intro… come on! lol this is exactly what everyone says…i have read your thoughts about previous relationships sounds like you were deeply in love.

    if i had to take a guess you barely take care of you appearance not because you want to avoid men, or like you say “Normal men” but because you are afraid of showing a side that you are ashamed of, because you are afraid of rejection.
    Its like a preemptive strike, “lowering my value before i lose it”.

    you said, any non-profiting relationship with a man is counterproductive, well this is where you are lost, ALL relationships are profiting but you are just thinking about money. My guess is that your mind associates sex with money. Did your parents or some of your friends encouraged you to marry a rich guy?

    God…i sincerely hope you are NOT dead… :p cause i kinda enjoy reading your thoughts and experience but that sounds spooky.

    Accept your demons, fight and wait for the best… i think you aren’t ready for a relationship in this moment and its tragic because you rather earn easy money than connect to someone.

    Good Luck beautiful

    • escortdiary

      I take care of my appearance, but I don’t go to extreme measures to look like a glamorous woman everyday. In the past, I was more vain and shallow with maintaining an image, yet I felt quite empty inside (and it attracted ’empty’ minded people). So now, I just like to be in my own skin for the most part. Men stare regardless of how I present myself. While flattering at times, it’s annoying for the most part. Essentially I don’t want my outer beauty (which can be gone tomorrow) to define who I am.

      I welcome and look forward to your comments as always 🙂

  4. Sanjay

    Hi! It’s nice to read one of your posts again after a long time. It’s so true what you say dear, it is you who has the power to change your fate – although I won’t call it fate, more like life. Ah..doesn’t that apply to us all?
    Being the eternal pragmatist I can’t help but feel that if being in a dedicated romantic relationship is an important thing in life for you – only you can figure this out – you’ll have to pull the plug on being an escort because otherwise it is always going to bring a lot of negativity and hindrance to any ‘normal’ relationship that you can potentially have. That sounds cold but there it is.

    I pray and hope that you will find the courage to take the leap. 🙂

  5. Nika

    Hi there!

    I have to say I am very glad I came across your blog and this article in particular!
    That being said, I am also an escort. I have been in the industry for reaching just over a year now and reading your words has given me both chills and thrills. I do not think you could have said it any better.

    The chills I speak of come from realizing how desensitized I am from my own emotions and how scary it is for me, not to feel, what a normal persons minds can be blown by, which is the feeling of love.
    The thrills stem from the fact that I am reading words of someone with the same nature as me, struggling with the same reality I am now facing.
    How to interact or have relationships with normal people.
    As terrible as it is to say I get a thrill from it, maybe its just the fact that you perfectly define the feelings and mentality I have on a daily basis.
    You make me feel as if I am not facing this “abnormal life outlook” alone.

    I don’t consider our profession a reality. I place Escorting in the same category as drug dealing. It is illegal; we make ridiculous amounts of money, very quickly; there is high demand for what we have; and it is not something that is a respected way of life.
    In essence, WE, as escorts, replace the actual drug.
    We sell ourselves. We are the drug, We have the power, we control the addictions. And our only addiction is the money.
    Cold hard cash baby.
    No catching feelings. Its all about the game and believe me I play it well.

    Now, I may say that, but; I play with my own head and my own heart in the process. I allow myself to detach from the reality of my own goals in life (such as having a family; a loving husband) all for the purpose of having money and living a lavish lifestyle, as I am gaining nothing else (just an expensive water bill). It is not so lavish when you feel empty at the end of the day. I feel I do not know how to even build a relationship, other than behind the bedroom doors. As of right now, I feel too far gone, and I wonder if it will eventually change.

    Maybe it is the fact that I am too independent and feel as if I need to live my life on my own and in my own terms rather than letting someone in who could possibly change the fate that I am not yet ready to change.

    Maybe its the fact that I feel as if my sex appeal is the only thing that can keep a man interested. I don’t allow the simple challenge of letting anyone see or know more of me. I know what I am good at, and that is being an Escort. Being the other woman. No strings attached. I don’t want people in or around my life who simply don’t understand my lifestyle. I associate mainly with other escorts as we are all after the same thing. Many of the girls have now gone on to bigger and better things in life and have conquered the trade and here I am, still soaking in the thought of what money can buy. But why this way?
    It is a addiction.
    Its as if once you are in the Industry, where is the escape route?

    I call this my own personal hell.

    Just like you say, I also, get a lot of attention from men on a regular basis, regardless if its from a client or turning heads whenever I go, it does not phase me. I have completely desensitized myself from having any kind of long lasting attraction, any emotions, or any feelings towards Men. I deal with enough of them to begin with to want one in my life permanently. Despite how certain things about a guy may sway me, I somehow turn myself off of them. Like the touch of a button. I make it impossible for someone to get close to me.

    Maybe its for reasons like you explained,
    “I am dead. He is alive.”

    I am dead in the sense that I physically feel, as if I can not feel. I am a cold soul. I can’t be saved. I confide in nobody but myself. I am lonely, and I think being lonely is like being dead.
    I don’t care to associate with people of the outside world because their realities of life are completely different than mine.

    I can work a regular job, but at the end of the day,

    Why quit something your good at?

    You say it best and truth be told,
    “My life experiences have made me so jaded, and as result, I don’t want to get close to many people. I isolate myself, because it’s easier than explaining my ‘successful’ independence.”

    Well touche.

    In summary, I am with you and I am reaping what I, do not consider benefits of the industry myself.
    We are fighting ourselves everyday and jading our own minds even more with the simple act of pushing away our ability to feel.

    I hope one day I can release my attachment to money, and not give it the power it has had on me thus far.
    In return, I hope to enjoy the finer things in life, being a fulfilling lifestyle built on anything but money, yet relationships and personal happiness.

    Cheers and thank-you for opening my mind.

    A lady after your own taste,
    Nika

  6. kori656

    what type of relation are you talking about? Is it love and affection?

  7. Mike

    I find this post to be so moving, so exquisitely sad. it is unconscionable that someone whose job involves nothing worse than giving pleasure to other human beings would suffer so much emotional pain for doing such work, so much that they have to reject another human that she could share so much with. It is doubly sad to read the comments here and on others of your posts from other escorts who pay the same emotional toll.

    I would like to offer my observation that this suffering is caused, not from the inherent nature of your work, but by the social stigma attached to it and, if I may be so arrogant to say, from you having internalized those social attitudes. I have read blogs by other sex workers, and there do seem to be some, perhaps a small number, who are comfortable with what they do and are able to share that information with lovers without suffering as you do. I would not deign to try to figure out why, but it seems possible.

    Let me offer this example in support of my argument. There are millions of people in accepted and respected places in society who have jobs that cause infinitely more pain and harm to others than you could ever imagine. The most obvious example would be people who make, promote and sell tobacco products. They have contributed to and continue to cause millions of slow and painful deaths. One might also point to gun manufacturers and sellers, although this example may cause a backlash. Yet these people are able to have relationships with other human beings without hiding what they do because their jobs do not carry the same social stigma.

    Just think how different your feelings would be if you lived in a society that honored or at least accepted its prostitutes. There have been such societies. There was no shame in being the concubine of a king. Some ancient religions honored the prostitute as sacred priestesses in the temple.

    Okay, I’ll stop there, before I get into comments about wanting to worship you, which of course would be something else.

    Mike

    • escortdiary

      Thank you so much for sharing that Mike. Well said, and I am glad you realize the cause of our emotional distress: the stigma, and as you mentioned, how we internalize the stigma. This is the main problem, and all the implications of the stigma.

      I am very aware of this now, but when I was younger I didn’t realize how I internalized the ‘normative’ habits of society. I find my role as a sex worker becoming ‘easier’ as I stop looking to the ‘normative’ path for solutions.

      Take care.

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