Can Men Really Be Blamed for Cheating?

 

Growing up in a world that emphasizes enduring romantic love, fairytales and love marriages indeed influences us. In the West, we are socialized to believe in love that is everlasting and monogamous; we expect that our lovers should stay faithful and honest to us. In current times, expectations on love are very high, which often leads to disappointment. Where did these expectations come from? Why do we assume that relationships MUST be monogamous? Why do we assume that humans can only love ONE person? Is fidelity a realistic expectation if we consider the worldwide statistics of divorce?

My view towards love and relationships are changing. As an escort, I see countless men who are ‘committed’ — often men who are in loving relationships with girlfriends and wives. What can explain why these men are cheating on their partners? Many of these married men love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex with them. We label these men, or anyone, who cheats as selfish and weak because they cannot ‘control’ their desires. Yet isn’t it unjust when men, and also women, are stuck in a relationship that lacks intimacy? Many men and women feel ‘stuck’ in their marriages, so rather than divorce and face all negative impacts of divorce they end up choosing infidelity.

Men, just as women, also face oppression from modern gender role expectations. Previously, I used to feel that I could never trust men (because my experience as an escort saw too many ‘nice’ men who were cheating their wife/partner). I was once bitter; I thought that most men were liars and cheaters. But my thoughts have changed as I try to understand the dynamics of society. My view now is: Social expectations and social pressures have forced men to lie and ‘cheat.’ Men are not at fault. Women also lie and cheat. But the problem is society and UNREALISTIC social expectations placed upon us. Contemporary European-style monogamous marriage, alone, simply doesn’t work in the modern context. One must be mindful that marriage has many variations and interpretations cross-culturally. For this topic, I am referring to monogamous marriage (in modern times, the ‘love’ monogamous marriage).

“To hold and proclaim that a man and a woman (who may not even have chosen each other) are in duty bound to satisfy each other in every way throughout their lives is a monstrosity that necessarily gives rise to hypocrisy, lying, hostility and unhappiness” (Simone de Beauvoir, 1949: The Second Sex (1974 edn. p497-8).

Basically, Simone De Beauvoir, the pioneer French feminist, says the concept of Western monogamous marriage is invalid. Marriage, in her view, gives way to lying, cheating and hypocrisy because of the unrealistic expectations placed on individuals in a relationship (such as promising a lifetime of fidelity). I agree with her that contemporary marriage in modern context is problematic, but I do not agree that marriage in other contexts (culturally and historically) can be degraded. Marriage in other historical contexts (non-Western) was not oppressing, as it meant something vastly different than it’s usage today. Yes, marriage used to have a vital purpose for the society, but it’s meaning has become diluted and shallow with modern capitalism. Even the concept of polygamy once served an important social function. Yet today, polygamy is marked with negative connotation. Polygamy is still taboo in Western societies. When polygamy does exist, it is only men who have the ability to have multiple wives. Women, of course, are not supposed to have multiple lovers…..because society does not recognize that a woman’s desire IS just as powerful as a man. The irony of it all is that our society embraces ‘serial monogamy’ (having a relationship, breaking up, and then starting a new relationship with another), yet polygamy is still stigmatized?

My stance on marriage is undetermined. I do feel marriage in other contexts served an important purpose, yet the contexts have changed. On one hand, marriage is the only institution that has provided better security for children (yet one must also be mindful that other societies, organized in vastly different ways, had other ways of maintaining social structures, such as family — so, in essence, there is no universal ‘proper’ way of having a relationship). But for the moment, it seems, marriage is the safest institution to hold families together. It still holds symbolic meaning in non-Western cultures. But Western marriage, in particular, has lost it’s symbolic purpose –it has unrealistic expectations that contradict the context. With my experiences of seeing countless men cheating on their spouses, I really question the concept of fidelity. Even for myself, I have never been ‘faithful’ to any of my partners (mainly because of my work) ; but I have also had multiple lovers all at once. Many would probably label me as selfish, and unable to appreciate being with one person, or having a lack of self-control. Of course, our so-called ‘great’ modern society has so many degrading terms to apply to those who do not conform. But I ask: who wants us to be monogamous and why?  Ideally, the concept of open relationships and marriages sound ideal, but we are far too egotistic to accept sharing our partners. We’ve internalized monogamy to the core. Even I am hypocritical: despite having multiple lovers myself, the idea of my men being with other women is unfathomable (but this is probably because I can’t let go of my ego and superiority complex).

We also need more openness to other variations of marriage that exist cross-culturally. Also, we need is more awareness and acceptance of the sexual needs from our lovers. For instance, if a wife decides to abstain from sexual intercourse with her husband, how can she expect her husband to give up his desire? That’s unfair to a husband. Similarly, I would suffer also if I was stuck with a man who couldn’t give me intense sexual pleasure. I feel deep sympathy for women who are stuck with men who don’t give them orgasm.

What would compel a woman to stop having sex with her husband? Do most men fail to please their women?

Patriarchy, capitalism and modern gender roles for men and women has conditioned society to ignore or devalue female sexual pleasure. Yet with more acknowledgment of women’s desires, the sexual needs of women become more valued. A common myth is that women have less sexual desire than men. As well, we assume that when women get older, they lose their sexual desire. I disagree. The problem is these women with ‘low-sex drives’ never got to experience intense sexual pleasure. Perhaps they internalized ‘shame’ associated with exploring their sexuality. Some women show little interest in sex, because they don’t even know what ‘good’ sex is. These women may have married early, and had only one to a few sexual partners. Personally, if I wasn’t a prostitute (with the experience of having sex with a variety of men), then it’s likely I would have NEVER experienced good sex (because men who are amazing at sex are still a minority).

Faking orgasm and pornography influence men to perform bad at sex?
Aside from modern gender role expectations of female passivity, I attribute men lacking in sexual skills with two things: women faking orgasm and pornography.

What gave men the idea that it takes MINIMAL effort to make a woman orgasm? One reason is that women often fake their pleasure, which reinforces a positive self-concept of his performance.  Too many women fake their pleasure. Even escorts do it commonly, which I have witnessed when clients booked me and another girl together. The result of women faking their sexual pleasure means that MEN will assume their BAD sexual skills are GOOD (and thus these men have no incentive to improve their sexual skills!). Countless men I’ve slept with have this annoying trait: they think it’s easy to make a woman orgasm. The classic scenario: during sexual penetration, the client will say to me, “Did you come yet baby??” Or better yet, after 2 or 3 minutes of oral sex on me, he says, “Are you close baby, did you come?” I, however, refuse to fake my pleasure. If he really wants to give me pleasure, I will teach him how to do it.

The other reason why some men lack sexual skills is because of: pornography. The majority of Porn reflects the gender and sexuality discourses of modern society — where, sadly, female sexuality is reduced to passiveness. Porn is mostly false acts of sex, and the goal of porn is typically for HIS pleasure. When a woman ‘apparently’ has orgasm in porn, they hardly depict the reality. They show a man performing cunninlingus for 1 or 2 minutes, with the woman screaming for ‘pleasure’ and then apparently, she has an orgasm. It’s false. Considering most men watch porn, they are being (socialized) influenced in false ways, giving birth to false expectation. Thanks to ideas propagated by porn, many men will have the expectation that women can orgasm easily and are pleasured by minimal effort. Thankfully, some men reject societal norms of ignoring/devaluing female sexuality. There are great men who’ve discovered that the beauty of pleasure is when both participants are fully enjoying. Yet I cannot say men, alone, are at fault.  After all, it takes two to tango: so, if many women don’t discover their own sexual pleasure, how can men know?

Certainly many women may have no sexual desire because their partners or husbands never addressed their sexual needs. Yet we cannot blame the man, because perhaps his wife gave him false impressions that his performance was good. In cases of marriage in conservative societies, divorce is taboo because of social pressures and social expectations. So what happens as a result? Couples suffer passively, and they end up cheating. For many societies, love was not connected to marriage, yet there was also not an unrealistic expectation of monogamy. In a some contexts, some women fear to cheat, so they end up having lesbian relations with other women. A great Indian film titled Fire depicts this very well, where two married women resort to lesbianism because their needs are ignored by their husbands.

In theory, it sounds great that I can be accepting of my partners needs. For instance if I am unable to have sex, I should not prohibit my partner from getting it elsewhere. Just as I would hope, ideally, that my lover would let another man give me pleasure if he was unable to do so. In theory, this sounds great. YET in reality, JEALOUSLY, angst, emotions get involved because we are so conditioned to believe in ENDURING love. We are so selfish to even fathom that our lover might have needs that we cannot meet.

With my ex, I  had severe trust issues. He didn’t trust me, as I was his young beautiful lover. And I didn’t trust him because he was, well, a MAN. That made our relationship disastrous. Ideally I want to be more accepting if my partner potentially desires another. But I admit, the idea is hard to digest. It’s my ego that gives rise to these jealous feelings….this sense of entitlement, that I must be the best and the ONLY woman for my man.

33 Comments

Filed under Feeling sorry for the wives, Relationships, Sex

33 responses to “Can Men Really Be Blamed for Cheating?

  1. Joe

    A man is responsible for his own actions. Is he to be Blamed? Maybe. Each situation can only be judged on its own facts. Is he Responsible? Yes.

    You yourself say that you want your man to be faithful to you and to only have you as his lover. Would that not be a precious gift for your lover to give to you? That is what started this whole monogamy thing. Two people who wish to give each other the precious gift of their exclusive sexual attention. If it were so easy, it would not be so valuable or desired.

    • escortdiary

      Okay, but is monogamy universal? Actually, most societies historically were polygamous (granting men the option of multiple lovers compared to women).

      Precious gift of exclusive sexual attention, or were we socialized to think this (when really it’s a means of control on one’s desire)?

      I said that I ‘want’ my partner to be faithful, because I still am attached to my ego. Yet, ideally, if I am unable to satisfy his sexual needs then I’d ‘like’ to be open to allowing him to see other women (maybe not sexual intercourse, but by other means). Yet this idealism will take years of unlearning my socialization

  2. Anonymous

    I think the problem is not in the sex area of life. The problem is when your partner is not really a partner – in other words, he/she does not support you emotionally. FROM THERE comes coldness, from there the people stop being connected.
    There is no better feeling in life than making love to the one who loves you deeply in his heart, who supports you emotionally and who makes you a better person each day. Ok, maybe not each day. But what I mean is that I personally need a man who is my friend, my teacher, my brother, my father, and last but not least my lover. When I am with such a man, how can I not be happy and how can I not give him good pleasure in bed? (or outside of it, why not 🙂 )
    Marriages fail not because of sex skills. But because of inability to communicate properly and learn of each other’s emotional needs.
    I hope to marry a guy who will be my everything, coz I wanna do everything with him – I do not wanna have zillion friends, I want him to be my bestie.
    I hope my poit was clear.
    With love,
    Leili.

    • escortdiary

      Thanks for the comment love. Well, we all want a lover and a best friend in one, and it’s a blessing when we have it. Yet love can change over the years with life circumstances (having children. pregnancy). At some points in life, a woman or a man may be unable to satisfy their partners needs. If a couple was honest with each other, they would be honest with their needs ideally (yet this rarely happens, which gives way to lies). It’s a complex issue.

      • susie

        That being said..”yes, most of us who are married entered marriage with the intention that those emotional and sexual needs for both could/would be met through honest conversation…continued before, during and after the intimacy. You said “I ‘want’ my partner to be faithful, because I still am attached to my ego. Yet, ideally, if I am unable to satisfy his sexual needs then I’d ‘like’ to be open to allowing him to see other women (maybe not sexual intercourse, but by other means)”. Does the husband forsake his needs for the sake of the marriage if she does not want him to go outside the marriage? Does she let him go to another to satisfy his needs while she is really at home thinking “wtf is wrong with me”? Does that lessen the intimacy? The trust…the hurt to our own ego? I find that the more I read and see about this subject the more we allow it to grow.
        “”The other reason why some men lack sexual skills is because of: pornography. The majority of Porn reflects the gender and sexuality discourses of modern society — where, sadly, female sexuality is reduced to passiveness. Porn is mostly false acts of sex, and the goal of porn is typically for HIS pleasure. When a woman ‘apparently’ has orgasm in porn, they hardly depict the reality. They show a man performing cunninlingus for 1 or 2 minutes, with the woman screaming for ‘pleasure’ and then apparently, she has an orgasm. It’s false. Considering most men watch porn, they are being (socialized) influenced in false ways, giving birth to false expectation. Thanks to ideas propagated by porn, many men will have the expectation that women can orgasm easily and are pleasured by minimal effort.”” This quote from you is the bottom line regarding the abyss between couples. Men sit and watch this crap as the men butt**#* the women and the women grimacing in pain! Then they want to turn to the wife/girlfriend/partner and do the same…. as if we are just a continuation of their screwed up fantasy.

  3. Ivan

    Hi there…:)

    Marriage is a compromise that opens the road to whats really is important….Family and this is where it gets complicated, you and me come from broken homes, in your case your father and in my case my mother… i had to go through an emotional roller-coaster, and it wasnt easy.

    Sex is important but food is more important and i know i cant eat pizza every single day, i have a relationship with my protein shakes and my gym and if i cheat with miss bacon cheeseburger i have to pay the consequences.

    Right now i have a relationship with a lady i cant have sex (for now) and its EXTREMELY difficult, because i have needs, but im a RETARD who believes that i should protect her emotions, i have been tempted to pay a lady for sex but…i already did that once and…like you said the last time if i give money to an escort is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic.

    When it comes to sex skills… ppl can improve their skills, but that takes time, so … women shouldn’t fake orgasms and be honest with their partners and teach them, women are often taught that they should repress their sexual needs so thats why everyone thinks that women dont have needs.
    There are a lot of men who dont even know where is the clitoris, or in some cultures they hate that organ…. there is this egyptian journalist Mona something… she told a story about how an egyptian man was very explicit on his demands when he spoke to the family of his future wife, he needed above all that she needed “to be cutted”

    I once knew a couple that the husband offered his wife to his buddies so they could have sex with her, they were a happy couple when they decided to have children that situation stopped and no lol i never accepted to have sex with her and she was a beautiful mexican.

    IDEALLY it would be nice, but when it comes to reality is not that simple….but we are free to choose.

    Take care

    • escortdiary

      Good point Ivan. The way the family situation has become in Western countries explains why many conservative countries (like Saudi Arabia for example) are taking extreme measures to protect their collectivist (family based) culture. They may fear the consequences of women being equal, because her equality may undermine their strong male-dominated way of life that has existed for centuries.

      • Ivan

        Well, i wouldnt call amputating a clitoris a measure to protect family, and well is not something new but this is just a complex subject and i feel like this is one of those things that has no answer, just a way of handling things and accepting the consequence.

        Good luck and take care beautiful

  4. Joe

    I don’t claim to have the answers about this. But I get tired of hearing people claim that faithfulness in marriage is “unnatural” and “goes against our nature”. That seems simplistic to me, and I believe it is often used as a cop out, rather than to struggle with the complexity that is reality. It is “natural” to poop in your pants, but it’s not a very satisfying or mature way to live. It is the way of growth and maturity to learn how to do the difficult things that make for a better way of living, even if they are not easy to do.

    It is true that some societies historically were polygamous — some held up a standard of monogamy, and some (Pacific Islanders) were polyamorous. If poly arrangements were so clearly superior, the idea of monogamy would have withered away (remember “free love” in the 60’s?). Instead, it continues to be the dominant model, if an embattled one. I, for one, was never unfaithful to my wife. I did have a struggle with that for a period of time, until it became clear to me that wanting sex with someone other with my partner was much more about satisfying my own ego, even at the expense of my marriage and my family. I decided that my family was more important than stroking my own ego and I suddenly found it much easier to reject infidelity, because I had something much more important that I wanted to build and nurture. I was able to see a real change in how I looked at and approached other women. It really changed how I felt inside. Anyway, that was my story and experience with this issue.

    • escortdiary

      That’s a great perspective Joe. I agree with you…perhaps our need for other lovers is just because of our ego? My own problem is how this ‘control’ was/is implemented by religion. Perhaps such ‘control’ has good intentions, but can it be successfully applied to all? You’re right about what you said before “Each situation can only be judged on its own facts. ” I don’t think anyone has clear answers that can satisfy all.

      • simi69

        Dear Escort
        Joe has touched a very good pt and controlling the lust for other women is very challenging especially today where women are more easily available for money
        however escort lady your views and comments have changed my view of other women. the other woman will exploit you with her charm and body for her desires of sex money or whatever but will never truly love you like your wife. so cheers to monogamy and treat other women to a limit of No touch please

      • escortdiary

        I am not clear at what you are alluding too…

        You need to ask a more important question: why is it that women (in today’s modern context) are more ‘easily available for money?’

        Numerous factors: asymmetrical gender roles, increasing poverty due to changing social, political and economic policies (neoliberalism), the media (reinforcing oppressive gender roles — conditioning men and women that their worth is material), unrealistic expectations in modern forms of marriage,

      • susie

        The easy answer about availability is the internet. Google Escort or online sex and BOOM …all you see are porn sites and gee they are so graphic! F’ing right there before you have even entered a site. You could sit for hours and watch the degradation of women (and some men do) and never have to go past the site page. Little “escorts aka prostitutes)” are practically next door when you go to an escort site…They are a dime a dozen now and you never even need to leave your house.

      • escortdiary

        Hi Susie,

        Thank you for sharing that. Indeed you have pointed out a very disgusting aspect of society that constantly displays humans as commodities for sale. There is indeed an agenda within society to increasingly distract people into endless desire, which has grave consequences for wholesome relations between people. One has to be an intensely spiritually awakened person to see the evil of this intense campaign of human objectification. Ironically, I am part of the problem as an escort. But as I have asked before, what wholesome alternatives are there for women in my situation?

        Best wishes,
        Sahar

    • knowledgesource

      The reality is that money influences whether one stays faithful or not. Everyone has a different situation. For some people a divorce can have a serious financial and cultural impact. For others it might not be as big an issue. I believe everyone has the desire to see someone different at least once in awhile. The issue really comes down to making a calculation of what you have to lose. In actual fact, I think that when one is discreet and has their fun outside of their social circles, infidelity can actually help a marriage.

  5. Joe

    Yes, I also have difficulties with how this control has been implemented by religion. Some truly damaging things are often said and/or done in the name of religion. It only makes it harder to determine the best way to go about living your life. My best to you. I appreciate the way you honestly struggle with these things in your writing.

  6. Anonymous

    I love the discussion!
    I also think Joe should create his own blog! 🙂

    I honestly believe, that the world would be a chaos if a good chunk of its citizens cheated on their partners. Just think, for example: today we have condoms and BC pills. But what about hundreds of years ago? Men would impregnate random women but also come back to impregnate their wives? I mean, this does not make us different from animals. The only advantage of the situation we have today is condoms and such….

    Another thing: I agree with Joe with sex skills. They only improve in time. If you are learning your partner – you are learning how to satisfy him/her sexually too. It is always fun to try something new, or something generally forbidden (like anal sex, just as an example). Married partners should have as much sex as they want in bed, experimenting and playing. Weekend should be spent cuddling and relaxing.

    Also, in today’s busy world (at least I think American are extremely busy and hard-working people): who has time to cheat? Hahahaaa! Most people don’t have time to take a shower before bed and change to their pajamas – they fall asleep in front of a TV! 🙂

  7. Joe

    Thanks, Heart! I don’t know about doing a blog, but I do appreciate sharing honest thoughts with fellow travelers.

  8. Anonymous

    Joe, I really believe you should create a blog of your own! A lot of people would benefit from your advice and inspirations.

    • escortdiary

      I agree…his perspective is very interesting!

      • simi69

        Dear friends
        I do not agree with the perspective of having experiment of unnatural sex with anyone
        A person not satisfied with a pussy will also never be satisfied with an arse or whatever. Satisfaction has to be found inside your own mind and not in any other body or hole.

      • escortdiary

        What exactly do you mean by ‘unnatural’ sex?

        I do not believe in these pseudo-science discourses of certain sexual practices being ‘acceptable’ whilst others are ‘unnatural,’ ‘abnormal,’ or ‘deviant’. It’s 2013 — we’ve contested these ideas that were oppressive and prominent in the late 19th century Western medical discourses. There is no sex that is ‘unnatural’ and our prime focus in sex is NOT just reproduction (as flawed discourses make us believe).

  9. gregg

    gregg
    i like your honesty in trying to deal with complex questions as there is no easy answer and can only be determined with each situation and each individuals own honesty within themselves. I have read and thought about these issues for a long time and can see both sides. Like you said that if we lived in ideal world your ideas are great but as humans we have jealousies, insecurities , socieities boundaries, etc. but we don’t so we all have to come to our final decesions. The only problem I can see by stepping out is the risk that one or the other can emotionally become involved with another and detach from our loved one but at the same time one can become detached withoug stepping out if our needs our not met. I think the best way that I can come up with is if 2 people truly are commited and love each other is to recognise each others needs and work at it. I think people take each for granted and as time goes by we then become cold and detached and then look else were for our needs whether sexually or emotionaly. Again this is a complex isssues that can only be resolved through partners being honest with each other and deciding what they think is the best for each other in a loving and caring way.

  10. curious

    You are really explaining the symptoms we see today. The question I have : what of women who marry as virgins? Is your views the views of a woman who has slept with countless number of men, so in a sense is “rotten” somewhere? what about the women who marry as virgins? what about the few guys who do too marry as virgins? Are your views more relevant to men and women who dirty themselves by sleeping with tons of “partners”?

    • escortdiary

      Interesting how you stated that I am “rotten” for having slept with countless men. Your, as many others, internalization of sexual discourses (stemming from the Victorian Era and spreading globally via imperialism/colonialism) is nothing alarming. These ideas of promiscuity being ‘dirty’ or ‘contaminated’ have historical origins, which I highly suggest you read (and question your assumptions of what morality). These popular narratives of ‘good’ sexuality and ‘bad’ sexuality still exist in mainstream opinions. However, in academic thought, these ideas have extensively critiqued by scholars since the late 1960’s (ex: Michel Foucault, Jacques Derrida, Gayle Rubin, Joseph Massad, etc).

      • simi69

        Dear Escort Sister
        This is in reply to your reply

        What exactly do you mean by ‘unnatural’ sex?

        I do not believe in these pseudo-science discourses of certain sexual practices being ‘acceptable’ whilst others are ‘unnatural,’ ‘abnormal,’ or ‘deviant’. It’s 2013 — we’ve contested these ideas that were oppressive and prominent in the late 19th century Western medical discourses. There is no sex that is ‘unnatural’ and our prime focus in sex is NOT just reproduction (as flawed discourses make us believe).

        From my study of sex from various sources, practices like anal sex, rape , child sex etc come in the realm of unnatural sex for want of any better word for them. Many of the sex acts depicted in porn are deplorable to women and is not making our inter sex relations any better.
        The UK govt is taking steps to stop unnatural porn on internet like rape porn , paedophilia etc which are affecting our population ,ruining our society and making us worse than animals.
        So a decent act of love and sex has been disfigured by us humans in many ways, Sadly the harm of all this is faced by the poorer women and children.
        As you brought out that you are a high level escort you do not face this exploitation which many others do . So the concept of sex being natural or unnatural remains valid even today in the eyes of nature/law/religion. this definitely will empower women to include escorts and prostitutes.
        hope that would be able to answer your query. nevertheless i respect your views
        regards

      • escortdiary

        Sorry Simi, but it seems you have not studied sex in a critical manner — that is, questioning mainstream ideas that exist, and questioning the origins of your opinions towards certain sex acts. Throughout many of your comments, I keep seeing the repetition of mainstream discourses regarding sex/gender/sexuality. It seems you have internalized them, assuming they just exist for what it is.

        To really understand sex and sexuality in contemporary societies (now), one has to engaged in serious critical thinking/conceptualization. Thinking critically about sexuality also requires understanding the political, social and economic historical context of the specific region. The way you internalize certain sexual acts as “proper/improper” indicates that you follow a certain narrative of thinking — where did this narrative originate? Almost all Gender Studies/Historians/Queer Theorists/etc have been investigating and writing about these notions endlessly.

        In essence, there is no such thing as “proper” or “improper” sexual practices — these are all socially constructed as “good” or “bad” –often for VERY political agendas (aka: reproduction — why is reproduction important? Maintaining state power (via military, workers, etc).

        Also, anal sex is not comparable to rape. Rape is a form of violence, not a particular kind of sex act. Why should one pass judgement on any sexual act that is consensual? Perhaps you view anal sex as degrading in porn, because it’s clear that most porn actresses are (1) doing it for the money and (2) are clearly not enjoying it (coerced). In cases where a person thoroughly does NOT enjoy it, then yes that’s comparable to a form of violence. But if both partners enjoy the act, it should not be considered something as degrading. The problem with porn is not the acts per say, but just the way modern, oppressive gender roles (masculine/feminine) are reproduced in the clips — placing women as degraded and submissive, and ignoring her pleasure (and worst, glorifying it — whilst these ideas continue to exist in society). Not all porn is so degrading in that sense, but sadly the vast majority is.

  11. simi69

    Dear Escort Sister
    In reply to your comment:

    With the wider availability of women for sex it is important that men are more disciplined in their sexual behaviours towards other women
    your blog has made it clear to me that an escort will give you physical sex but can never really satisfy your mind as she does not love you.
    So i feel that it is better that women prostitutes use their bodies for adult erotica like in dance bars, strip tease, acting shows soft porn etc which can give them good money despite not engaging in sex and risking their health.

    Why do you women escorts indulge in forced sexual acts against your wishes. You could earn lesser money by indulging in erotic acts other than paid sex. In that case you escort women could have a stable partner and family in case they desire.
    would like to get your intelligent views to that

    • escortdiary

      I wouldn’t say we all engage in ‘forced’ sexual acts. I, as other escorts, still have agency with my clients, and I never engage in acts that I do not feel comfortable with, so in that sense I do not feel forced. But again, my situation is ‘ideal.’ I am sure many women who loathe the idea of selling sex are more inclined to other sex-industry professions, such as strippers, etc.

      Indirectly, however, some women are ‘forced’ into sex work as a profession, as the options that exist for women with little-to-no higher education is very limiting. For myself, I remain an escort, because I can enjoy aspects of it — I also do not desire to conform to socially ‘acceptable’ forms of work as other do.

  12. Claire

    I have been cheated on by my husband on several occasions with different Escorts. He made up with it by asking a male Escort to join us. Ok, ok, ok, it sounds super weird, but I actually quiet enjoyed it. So we made it a regular thing. Either way, the first time I found out he cheated on me I was shocked and he gave me several reasons why men should see an Escort (similar to these: http://londonescortbox.com/blog/entry/why-men-should-see-escorts ) It kind of makes sense to me today – especially point 4 – having uncomplicated fun. No ? Well, everyone’s different I guess and I surely don’t speak for all woman. But if this happens to you – you may just give it a try. Perhaps you enjoy ! 🙂

    • escortdiary

      Sorry, but I do not agree with that blog post. I don’t think men should see escorts for any particular reason more than others. Escorts are not a solution for all, but rather we are filling a void for most. The reasons why men seek escorts is far more complex, and cannot be generalized so easily. As well, men who seek ‘variety’ are often those who fail at establishing a meaningful connection with someone (typically shallow individuals only connect with others on a shallow basis — the result is an unfulfilling, indifferent encounter).

  13. Jerry Mecure

    I believe that married men or women visiting escorts occasionally, is fine and healthy.

    I’ll start with a picture of me and my current life, as it is relevant to the topic. I am middle aged (40 something) married for about 17 years, a male, with kids but only 1 left at home, with a mortgage, a white collar office worker in a middle to senior management position on reasonably good money. My relationship / marriage with my wife isn’t terrible. Overall it is average to good I would think, probably about a 5 out of 10. Physically / sexually it is about a 3 out of 10 and emotionally or if I was to rate my wife as a friend, with someone to whom I can talk to about anything I would rate the relationship at about 7 out of 10. I have been visiting escorts now since I was about 20 years old, with varying degrees of frequency per year. I lost my virginity to my first serious girlfriend, who was NOT an escort, when I was about 18. Before this age however, I had other sexual experiences with girls. Currently, I will probably visit an independent escort, that I like the look and description of, about once every 2 – 3 months. It was probably about 2 years into my relationship with my first serious girlfriend when I first visited an escort in a brothel. The first experience with an escort was awkward, embarrassing and not really satisfying in anyway. She was middle aged, very experienced, bored and not really interested in doing a good job, while I was only 20 and very anxious and nervous. The first experience left me kind of humiliated to myself and confused about sex, lust and love. How could I do this, when I have a beautiful young girlfriend who is great to me? This was the sort of question that I would repeatedly ask myself, at that time. It would be a few years later that I would visit my next escort, and now in my 40s I would estimate that I have had sex with hundreds of different escorts in brothels and independents.

    So why do I think it is ok for men, or more to the topic, married men to visit escorts? Firstly let me make that a little more specific, I think it is OK for married men to discretely visit escorts and manage their expenses reasonably and responsibly using the same discipline that they would any other expense, either personal or family based. For a married man to discretely and occasionally visit escorts on the side while making sure they don’t break the bank doing it, I see this as a responsible way to manage their desires of lust while maintaining a meaningful primary relationship with their wives, who are the women to which they love.

    Am I justifying my own behavior by saying this, in order to feel that what I’m doing is ok? Yeah, probably. I suppose I can’t deny that. Am I fishing for support out there by posting this for the same purpose? Probably …. Can’t really rule that out either. I can tell you this however. What I’m telling you here is what I believe to be true, from every couple, every male and female friend, every escort, every girlfriend that I have encountered and become reasonably close to in my 40 something years on this planet. Yeah, it might be nice to see others who share the same or similar view as mine …. But I don’t think it is this desire alone that is driving me to post this. I find that the best parts of the internet and reading informative blogs, is just that …. They inform and educate, for you to then go away and make your own judgments on how to live your own life. It gives you a perspective on a topic that is not commonly spoken about, or from people that you wouldn’t usually speak to. It is amazing some of the articles and little treasures that you can find, written by intelligent people who really give you something of themselves, uninhibited by judgment, shame or ridicule. On the other hand there is also allot of idiotic nonsense and hateful destructive crap. I guess it is the first type of entry that I am aiming to provide here, and hopefully you will feel the same. An article where you can take it in as an honest piece of information, that hopefully strikes a chord and makes sense. If it offends, then stop reading it I suppose. If you feel the need to attack me for this article, then I can only assume that you are doing so because of something that has happened in your own life that you have not been able to fully understand or deal with and now wish to use me as a punching bag.

    Men don’t always understand and respect the fact that women do not want to share their men with any other woman, and women don’t always understand the fact that men will lust over other women. It’s not a choice men make, it just happens, regardless of whether the man is in love with one woman or not. This being the case, then what gives? Should the man just learn to discard and bury the feelings of lust permanently the moment he gets married? Sure …. Society and most women will say yes, the man should absolutely do that. The trouble is, that men cannot really do that. They may think that they can, but in reality most men cannot go their whole lives suppressing this lust, or simply learning to ignore it. Affairs then ensue, especially with those who have trouble distinguishing lust from love. For some, they pursue love more than once. Some are greedy, others have genuinely fallen out of love. In any case, affairs of a medium to long term duration are personal and intimate relationships where each party wants to receive love and an intimate connection. Visiting escorts is not about that. It’s about satisfying lust. You can build up a relationship with an escort that you like to see, sure. You must remember however that at the core of it is a professional service. A business relationship, based on a financial payment for a service is the fundamental element here. The moment you reach a point where the payment no longer exists, then it is an affair. A personal intimate relationship, which directly threatens your primary relationship.

    Different men, in my experience, seem to have varying degrees of intensity of sideline lust. As I grow older and more experienced, I seriously doubt whether there is any man who is without an appetite for lust on the side. Some men with lower intensities seem able to deal with matters in their own two hands more often. I seriously doubt that while they are gratifying themselves they are using the image of their wife or girlfriend to get and maintain an erection. Instead they are thinking of something more taboo, like the next door neighbour, their hot teacher, the wife’s best friend etc etc. This is however probably not the case at the beginning stages of a new relationship, as in the beginning couples are usually having sex like rabbits. After a while though, the sideline lust defers the thoughts away from the partner they are used to, to partners they are not supposed to have. Why do fantasies like the schoolgirl, the nurse, the teacher exist? They exist to satisfy sideline lust. Some work this stuff into their primary relationship. Great!!! Good on you!! I wish I could do that in my marriage. I believe that I have tried. For me, I do not and cannot get that in my primary relationship so I seek it from escorts. The escorts that I see usually do not disappoint me. They give me exactly what I need.

    Visiting an escort is satisfying the inevitable urges of lust, and getting it out of one’s system. These actions do not replace love. These actions of lust merely coexist alongside. If ones ego takes over and they are not discrete about it, subsequently telling all their mates, then yes this is not acceptable for the wife and the man will then need to accept the fact that the woman can rightly leave him. If however the man visits escorts on the side, once in a while, manages expenses wisely and takes extreme care to do it discretely then what harm is this causing? It sounds like a balanced and sensible way to deal with the facts of life, does it not?

    In this current society of monogamous, largely heterosexual, married couples we are compelled to ignore the biological voice within, which leads us astray from what society tells us is normal and correct. Clearly there are instances where the biological voice of some is so unusual and / or harmful that it cannot be allowed in society as it is harmful to society (ie: paedophiles, rape etc). As human beings coexisting in a harmonious society with others we cannot allow that kind of harmful behaviour. However if, in my opinion, a married man or a married woman feel the need to satisfy a lust discretely, safely and within reasonable cost on the side, between consenting adults then where is the harm? Adding the element of cost brings with it a concept of service. Without the payment, it becomes an affair and with it a whole range of implied personal commitments. Adding the payment makes it a service where both sides get something they want, and also makes it simpler and in everyone’s best interests to keep it discreet.

    Having said all of this however, I will admit this. The best sex I have ever had, where both orgasm intensely and all the physical elements of 2 people being really in sync with each other has seemed to be around the beginning period (perhaps the first 6 months) of a relationship with a woman. Sex with escorts has never been as good as this, although on occasions it has come very close. So looking at this, can I discredit sex with escorts as being inferior to sex in a real relationship? The answer is that I still see the 2 as separate needs, which coexist simultaneously. By neglecting one, you will yearn for the other. It is inevitable. Everyone needs to be understood, and loved for who they are …. Man or woman. Every man will, at some point, lust after what they are not allowed to have. Some women are similar as well. For all who feel the need, why not visit an escort discreetly and within reasonable financial balances. Everyone wins.

    • escortdiary

      There are many issues about marriage today. There are immense social pressures for both men and women to be monogamous and get married, but that’s a separate issue. What worries me about your comment is the fact you justify your cheating as “healthy” and “fine” when it can potentially hurt another person (your wife). It tells me you think it’s okay to lie, mistreat, and cheat people, generally. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. Not all people who cheat on their spouses are bad people with bad intentions. But what is crucial is one’s genuine feeling of empathy. A good person has empathy and feels tremendous guilt knowing they hurt somebody. But can we call a person who feels no guilt or empathy even human? What is most worrying is knowing there are people in the world, like you, who have little-to-zero empathy for the feelings and well-being of others. The issue here is not about infidelity, it’s about how you embrace behaviour that causes hurt for another.

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