Pain mixed with Pleasure, Loneliness, Passion, Hopelessness and Misery…

People assume its just so easy to exit from the sex industry. The financial rewards and lifestyle are so attractive compared to other alternatives, so quitting is often met with severe withdrawals. There are many other factors making it difficult to exit. There are no real alternatives to exit the sex industry. There are no social support networks that eliminate the FACTORS that placed women in prostitution — how can we eliminate the ills of society? There will always be inequality in a capitalistic system — it’s comprised of the “haves” and the “have nots.”

Most escorts, including myself, fall in love and hope their lover will ‘protect’ them, but that’s not addressing the entire problem. Not all escorts want to quit, nor do all escorts want to be dependent on one man. Our problems can be multiple: the addiction to money, the stigma, and lack of social acceptance, the desire for love/acceptance. There are services for various addictions, but where is the help for women addicted to selling their bodies?

Another problem is denial. For years, I felt the sex industry didn’t actually impact my happiness, I felt above it’s implications. Initially, I thought the money could solve all my worries, but then I realized my shallowness was leaving me feeling empty . Even worse, I gained so much pride (ego) from making fast-money. I felt having money and autonomy would override my pain.  Clients further gave me the impression I was in “good shape” because they always compliment on how I was so ‘normal.’ Many clients enjoyed me because they thought the industry didn’t affect me. Yet it’s all fake, and lies. My ego was a mask, hiding the empty soul inside. I made sure that people saw I was confident, while on the inside I felt misery, insecurity and hopeless. What causes this pain is the stigma, because we are marginalized for not conforming to the norms.

I am accustomed to tuning out my emotions because of this job. I am a master at being fake — faking a smile, faking happiness  — it’s become normal to me. I hide my pain, but sometimes its unbearable that I just retreat from everything and everyone. We cannot run away from our emotions…they will never go away unless we deal with them.

I am scared to trust. I constantly fear abandonment, rejection. I retreat before I can be neglected. I use my work (prostitution) as a method that allows me to ‘profit’ from being neglected. Men can use my body at their advantage and neglect me at the same time. Yet somehow, the money is supposed to compensate for this act of neglect. Basically, prostitution is saying it is OKAY to neglect someone if you pay them off. I make a lot of money to be used. In my case, however, it isn’t as terrible as I am making it seem….I am treated respectfully, thankfully. Clients do not hurt me physically, and in reality my clients are extremely polite and respectful of my rules as a courtesan. I do not blame clients either, because not all clients have the intention of neglecting me. Many men tip generously, and many feel their money will ‘help’ me.  However, the money does NOT erase the emotional turmoil of being hated by mainstream society. Now I finally understand the cliche of “having all in the money in the world, yet all material things become meaningless.”

Some clients are aware of this disconnect, which also affects them. I’ve encountered many clients who, if they had the chance, would love to be with me and make me happy.  After all, my ex was my client, and he wanted to protect me. As mention, there are a minority of clients who are fearful of rejection themselves: These clients are looking for belonging and THEY, themselves, are rejected by prostitutes. Ironically, I also have to reject and indirectly neglect men. I encounter clients who have feelings for me, yet I am not interested at all. Many of my clients want love and companionship, not just sex.  While I appreciate my admirers, I do not love them. I have to remind them that I cannot get involved with them beyond business. The only exceptions has been my ex, the Sheik, and a few others whom I felt a connection too. I can share my body for money, but I cannot share my soul so easily. I feel sad when I think about all the lovely men I meet who want something that I cannot give them outside the confines of business: love. As an escort, I try my best to make good-hearted clients feel good while we are together. Now, it might seem understandable why one of my friends jokingly referred to me as the “Mother Teresa” of prostitutes.

Yet for the Sheik, I am just a woman on lease — a temporary wife. Many Saudis in modern times hire maids, cleaners, drivers, and temporary ‘pleasure’ women like myself. Sometimes I feel like his worker too; his lover on lease. Yet he claims to love me more than his own life, swears by god and his mother’s life. I do believe he loves me, given he treats me exceptionally well. But his version of love is conditional, and moreover he doesn’t know the importance of love. Some Saudis have this mentality: that money buy can anything. Money buys maids, drivers, and sex….and its  “okay.” But how many Saudis feel empathy for the lives of their workers ? Do they feel guilt or remorse? I hardly doubt it. Sadly, many are far too “Arab-centric”….what doesn’t concern them is not important. I don’t think my Sheik has this mentality, but I’ve encountered many Gulf men who are hardly concerned with the fate of their workers.

The irony of it all is that he, my love, treats me better than himself. He buys whatever I want, and doesn’t buy for himself. He does whatever I want, and all he wants in return is my love. He has designated me as the Queen…and he even loves if I refer to him as my “slave.” He is, for the moment, completely devoted to me in both words and action. Yet I must always remind myself: this is love on a lease. He may treat me like his Goddess now, but the reality is he does not think about my future. In his mentality, he thinks giving me lots of money is helping me, and somehow, he feels his generosity can compensate for neglecting me later on.  Some Saudi men justify temporary love, because temporary love has been propagated as ‘halal’ by their state officials. It is sanctioned in state discourses by way of Misyaar and Muta (temporary) marriages. Sadly, many men exploit these laws for their selfish motives. There is nothing ‘halal’ about neglecting a woman, and thinking it can be fixed by financial compensation.

I hide my pain. It’s the fault of the ego I developed from making fast money .. Yet it’s all a facade. I am happy with him, yet it’s followed by unhappiness when I am alone and reflect on everything. I go out and put on my ‘happy face” but when I retreat I feel the wound . I am a deep wound concealed by layers of superficial bliss.

Sometimes the pain unbearable. No one can understand because I portray myself as strong and wise. But the truth is I’m so damaged inside . I don’t pity myself … But sometimes I feel envious of those who had easy lives. Nobody would care even if I did pity. They will say I choose to sell myself and that I could have made better choices.

The Saudi double standard. A stab to my heart… That it’s okay to use me….how does he feel about it all?! A man who claims to love me yet has no intention to marry. It’s selfish.

Do Escorts Enjoy their Lives? Maybe on the outside. We portray our lives as great, luxurious, perfect , but it’s concealing the pain that brought us to serving men we don’t love. Of course, however, many of our clients are also serving us — so it would be incorrect to say all prostitutes are being degraded. Nonetheless, our pride forces us to hide the pain. We are forced to defend our ‘choices’….and defend the lives we made for ourselves…and deny the truth to ourselves. Short term happiness, and long-term depression. Bouts of happiness, followed by retreats of deep thinking and questioning. What sort of happiness did this bring me?

40 Comments

Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

40 responses to “Pain mixed with Pleasure, Loneliness, Passion, Hopelessness and Misery…

  1. Ivan

    Hi there…

    Please tell me that you see something behind this “only exceptions has been my ex, the Sheik, and a few young Saudis whom I felt a connection too.” your emotions are telling you what wound you need to heal first above all.

    Gorgeous…I have no doubts that you have an addiction but! they treat most addictions the same way, Im not saying is going to be easy but the way your mind is thinking is looking for excuses, you are the ONLY one that has the power, not the sheik, not your ex, not your clients or your family.
    Incredible difficult with multiple adjustments? no doubt, but Impossible? not even close.
    IM sorry for insisting, but let the society go… Unless you know all the ppl who live in your city (im guessing is a big city because you wouldn’t be successful in a small city), and if your friends judge you then they are NOT your friends.

    Women usually are harsh with women, so you are feeling that judgment of society cause you are judging yourself, most ppl in your city don’t know you even exist, YES i know that what you fear is the judgment of what you have done, but we all have secrets, THAT DOES NOT MEANS that i want you to swallow your emotions and your scars, but you need to be smart how/when and most important to whom you reveal your emotions and your scars.
    I learned this lesson the hard way, i trusted some ppl my emotions and my dreams…but i was young and VERYYY stupid.

    Sadly… I agree with the “love on lease”, and btw love is an addiction too.

    as always… Good Luck, If i can do smth for you pls

  2. Ivan

    1 more thing… i know what it feels to fake happiness but you are dying inside and your soul wants to yell.

    Don’t swallow your emotions…but be wise when to do it.

    • escortdiary

      Alhamdulillah. I am always grateful for your comments Ivan.

      You are truly selfless, a very noble and difficult trait!

  3. HeartIsBleedingPainButIamStrong

    How come I did not get an e-mail update from this blog…
    Habebtie, I swear one of these days I will sit down to write a reply to this post…I’m just soooo behind in everything right now…The semester is nearing to an end and there are going to be a number of projects due very soon…
    I love you baby girl, and I just wanna say one thing right now: you have a lot of great potential, but you are just like a knot, a puzzle that needs to be solved.
    Inshallah you life will start changing very soon. I’m here for you ya aasal, ya omrie entie, a7bk ya baby girl.
    Mmmmwahhh…..
    🙂

    • escortdiary

      Study Habibty..I am also in the same position with exams, etc.

      Don’t worry for me. Despite I vent on this blog..I am able to care for myself. It’s nothing new, and I am used to this life now ya helwa 🙂

      Good luck in your studies

      • Lara

        I know excatly how you feel. I feel the same sometimes. I have no place to go if I leave this job and no family to get help but only myself . I have just me and God to help me
        Xx

  4. HeartIsBleedingPainButIamStrong

    I know you are a strong woman, but I only wish you a better life – that’s all.
    A human being should always strive to a better life and more happiness.
    I love you baby girl. Good luck with your studying too!!

  5. riktigger

    I want to say a heartfelt thank-you to the universe for bringing your writings to me. I am a gay man who is very deeply & soulfully in love with a male escort. Your writings have given me so much insight that I never really looked at before. I will soon write to you & give some details. Your writings are so truthful & accurate. Thank-you, your words have touched me & moved me.

  6. disha

    aww ne’er thought that will like any escort this much, bumbed to ur blog randomly, but everythin’ u wrote just touched my heart! luv u sweetheart!
    u’ll be always there in my heart!
    regards

  7. curious

    Well prostitution has a cost – and you are now discovering it. Unfortunately this is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I hope you will use your experience to prevent others from falling into the trap.

  8. ginger

    I am a former escort. I left becuase I turned to God. I always believed, but he told me one day” stop doing this it is hurting your soul”. I was taking a bath crying, and I heard his voice. Only God can heal your broken heart and help you with your addictions. Joyce meyers also helped me. I watched her every day and ordered so many of her tapes. I never used drugs and drank only socially, but did have a gambling addiction. I am still working on this addiction but have not escorted for 4 years. Although I miss the money I do not miss how low my self esteem was,the shame, the guilt, the emptiness, the fear at times, the disgust with myself and other men. All of that is not worth the money. You are in bondage . I will pray for you and hope you can brake free. You can do it with the help of Jesus. Good luck and God bless you!

  9. ginger

    I also wanted to add( after reading more submissions from you escortdiary) that you are intelligent,sensitive,compassionate and a very talented writer. I too have never written professionally; using excuses that I have had a very hard life full of tragedy and pain. I realize now I have never written because I have low self esteem and felt I could not get published because I was not “worthy of it”. You can get out of this business. You do not have to depend on any man ,as God has given you everything you need to do it all yourself. As for the writer who spoke that you have to get out of this life because “Allah” is going to judge you. ” We all sin. There is not one person in this life that is not sinning. Isn’t that what Jesus said when they were stoning the woman for I believe prostitution. “Those of you who have not sinned throw the first stone”. Escortdiary I believe in you. As a woman who relates to many of your life experiences. You have what it takes to accomplish all of your dreams. I am now writing. I may not ever get published, but I do it for the love of writing and for having the satisfaction that I tried. I am working on repairing my self from the inside out. Letting go of all the guilt and bad experiences. I know God wants us to be at peace and to be happy. We are all his children. What hurts us hurts God. I now have a peace, strength and wisdom that cannot be bought. I have put myself in the hands of my maker and allowed him to change me. He will do it for anyone that surrenders to him.. You are in my heart escortdiary and I will pray for you. The bible says seek “what is pure and good” and your heart and soul will flourish as mine has. Blessings to you

  10. Delilah

    I’m an escort myself & everything in your blog is what I’m going through & have gone through. I never would’ve thought there was someone out there who felt the same.

    • I love reading your blog, it proves that All of us working girls at some point or another pass this phases, well, pass is not the right word because this phase do not pass instead it keeps coming back to hunt you, but you did say this was the lifestyle chosen and even if it’s just temporary everything has its price and we won’t escape it, yes the money is good, and you get used to it, but an exit plan it’s necessary, and those retreat times even to realize that we are hurt are essential in this world. Blessings to you.

  11. janet

    you are such an unbelievable lady, your life is just as similiar as mine.. it’s good to know there’s someone out there who feels the same like i do. and you’ll always be in my heart.. insha allah everything works well for you habibty. 🙂

  12. I stumbled on your interesting blog while searching the type of personality an escort can have. A good number of men think escorts do what they do for pleasure, but frankly I never thought that. Instead your posts have confirmed me what I was supposing. Anyway as ginger said I think there can be recovery from this “addiction”, if you really desire it, although I know the road can be very difficult. Good luck and stay strong!

  13. escortdiary

    Thank you for commenting. You are right: I’d say too many people (men and women) have this idea that prostitutes enjoy their work, which is not the reality at all. I hope to some how change this perception.

  14. Hope

    @escortdiary: I would not say we, prostitutes, always enjoy our work, but there are times when it is truly delicious with mind blowing orgasms, intensity and even a sense of longing afterwards. Contrary to the highlights, there are also days when enduring bad oral sex or bad kissing is gross and I am suddenly an amazing actress telling them not to stop, moaning and panting and wishing they would get off of me. Yet, like most of us, i have almost never wanted any of them to be my bf even if they sometimes they get attached to me, but, less and less of them as time goes on even broach the subject, as, I tend to find easier clients (i.e.married, in a relationship, guys who have done it a lot). I think it is a sad reality that so many girls are in this business and truly hate it. When I chat with other girls I can tell i am in the minority to even like it most days. Even, I had a bad day yesterday and took a lot of love from my bf to recover and am wanting to sign up for grad school more than ever, but I am very excited about today and will sit in my hot tub and meditate for the appointment coming. I just hope he is not a cop, not a bad person or a loser, since he is new, this is our reality…As, i only screened for his work info.”seems normal and good”… I am lonely sometimes in this world and it draws me to this blog. Thank you for being here and for being so honest with how you feel. Money addictions can be overcome. Things are just things, yes, security is important, but, things are just things. As a mother I really spend most of the little money I make for my child. So i am not really a money addict, yet I came from a (lowerish)middle class family. Do you not drink or do any drugs? It seems like you do not even drink socially? is that right?

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, the women who enjoy working are certainly not the majority. I have had mainly good experiences with clients because they treated me well (even if I didn’t care for the sex), but among other escorts I soon realized it was (for other girls) not common to ‘enjoy’ seeing clients.

      To answer your question, I almost never drink (not even socially). I personally dislike the taste, but in cases where I did drink I was doing it out of social pressure. It is unfortunate how alcohol is embraced and promoted in Western societies, as it serves no wholesome benefit.

  15. Hope

    @escortdiary: I also agree for me working less and taking long breaks keeps me sane. I also wonder if escorting hurt me more than my job at the office, I think the office job was in many ways more soul killing for me, as a parent. I only got 2-3 hours a day on the weekdays with my child and some of it I had to cook for her. I could not really afford to eat out and a ticket on my car, would be a disaster. For me escorting is better for the time I have with my child. It has its downsides of course, but i love the time i get with my baby.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing that. I wanted to make a post about escorts who have children. I find a lot of single Mothers get driven to prostitution, because it’s the only job that allows them to make decent money (hopefully) and spend more time with their children. I’ve met many escorts who have children, and it’s very sad circumstances that these women face.

  16. az

    Your comment about Muta marriage being Islamic this is not true, it’s shia who allow it and men who don’t practice Islam (like the ones who fornicate and commit adultery). There are lots of things that was practiced in pre-Islamic times that was later forbidden by the prophet and one of them that the prophet later forbade was muta (short term) marriage because marriage should be with the intention of being permanent and for reproduction, love, understanding, companionship, protection etc. not short term sex!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OyySlwCu8Y

  17. az

    It’s God to judge what you, only God knows who is the better person and we don’t know who God will forgive. But you can ask God’s forgivenss, his forgivness is vast(but this means regret and you leave the sin). You can make supplications to God to make it easy for you to leave sin. He will reward you more perhaps as it’s hard for you yet you left it for His sake (which is really for you but in obedinece to Him). You should not obey your desires but take control.

  18. Jim

    This a relatively old post not sure if it would still looked upon. But anyway, your writings were very insightful to me as I’m on the other end of it. I’m in love with an escort and I’m clueless as to what to do. She portrays this image that she is having fun and enjoying her work. She is always confident and cheerful. But after reading this post I’m not sure how true all of that is. She’s very nice to me and we would sit and talk for long periods. She even told me about her family and many other things about her past. She says she likes me and that if she didn’t she wouldn’t come back to see because she is very selective of her clients. And I before leave her to go back to home she would say she’ll miss me. I of course realize this could all be part of the act and there is no way of telling if it’s true or not. I thought about just telling her so that whatever client/escort relationship we have would just end after she refuses me and I would get this out of mind because the thought of her with her other clients kills a part of me me every day. I sometimes have to take medications to calm myslef down if I can’t get myself busy at work or with my friends. And unlike your sheik, I don’t want her to be my pet or pleasure partner I want to be with her for ever… I want to marry her and grow old with her. I don’t even know if she would want that because she makes almost as much money as I do. And I’m well off.. She’s always very proud of saying “I burn money”…. So her love for money and her love of spending it is no secret.

    You two seem a lot alike on the outside as I have sensed from your writings. So I would like to know your thoughts about this.

    • Lara

      I cried reading your lines. I am an escort and at the moment I am the one that taking medication to sleep. I am in love with one of my client and we have been on this for 3 months and meeting everyday and making love… I miss him when he’s not here with me . Sometimes he’s get quiet and I am trying to guess what he’s thinking. I love him
      He says he loves me too but I am crying on my own during the night. I write poems to him everyday .
      X

  19. Pingback: Striking quote | Writings from a woman of pleasure

  20. Andrew

    I sometimes Google ‘escort opinions of clients’ to gain insight and read yours and Aphrodites because they’re of now. I ‘use’ (deliberate use) escorts, have moral problems with it and I don’t expect you to respect me. My dilemma is I’d both like to see her, want her to like me and think that I’m not hurting her. I’m getting that it’s impossible. I must add she is lovely kind and sweet and the last I will ever meet.

    I saw her last week. I said before how she works, in call, 10 hour shift, back to back clients, two days a week for the last five years. Last week she was running late so I was ushered into the kitchen by the maid, so as not to meet the last client, but I could see a bald naked man pass a frosted glass shield going into the bathroom. After the hour was up, everything was running late, I was ushered into the bathroom as the next client waited in the kitchen. As I was walking across the living room she passed me naked and turned away so as not to catch my eye. Now this might sound a little trite but is absolutely true and I don’t care if I’m not believed!

    We had oral both ways then cowgirl and then a long chat as I stroked her body. Now I’m sorry I can’t believe she hates me, her eyes lit up when I gave her perfume and she gave me her mobile no. So as we can meet on her terms and she won’t have to give the employer, she hates so much. Half of everything.

    There is a sadness and resignation about this young woman, 24yrs and five years of serving men is a long long time. I feel desperately sorry for her and whilst reading your entry I realise she’s damaged resigned and addicted to a job that doesn’t pay well, and yes I get it, that she’ll feels nothing about her clients. I hope she doesn’t hate me but just accepts me. Abuser? I hope not.

    Now I WILL be her seeing her again at a place of her choice soon. My moral dilemma which I think about many hours a day is what we will do! At the moment I’ve narrowed it down to giving her oral, cowgirl and just talk. That’s how I’ve convinced myself, as of now, that we’ll both be happy with. Now I’m asking myself is the best thing I can do just lie next to her naked body and stroke it and enjoy looking at a nude woman or would she just prefer sucking my …. , sexual penetration and have me leave rather than the intimacy talking bit? I would really like an answer to that.

    I should add she categorically knows if I’m telling the truth, she’ll be able to read me like an open book. She seems to empathise when I tell her that I’m 47, a virgin also 47 of last March, and knows I just want and need female company for an hour, both sexual and companionship,

    Now I don’t know what you make of this. Is it better for me to go, pay well, treat her respectfully with genuine friendliness or just not bother going and do something else? Now I know you’re not going to answer that question, because it’s mine and only mine to answer. Do I finish with her or perpetuate the unhappy addiction

    Lastly I really do gain a lot from escort blogs

    • escortdiary

      Sorry, but I don’t really know what to say. Your writing is a bit confusing. From what you wrote, it seems this particular escort girl doesn’t really have an interest in you. Sorry to say. You are just one of many clients for her. It is nice of you that you care about her feelings and comfort. I’m sure she appreciates that. But don’t expect anything more from her, since she hasn’t really shown any interest.

  21. Andrew

    I must apologise for the questions in both my comments. I must learn that a blog is there to be commented on rather than a ‘questions and answers’ session. 🙂

  22. Akirah

    Hello an greetings from Pennsylvaniai enjoyed this blog as i’m actually emotional reading an writing back,I’m 29 male of age I was with a girl I met from August 2007 I met her with a kid she had already who was 1 then we had our own in 2008, was never married but we broke things off May 3rd 2014, she went to Utah to be close to parents took my 6 year old son, she didn’t go through the court system for child support but I do send money monthly, I started seeing high end escorts recently to shrug the loneliness off I’m a well off person I just don’t want to become addicted to this, I would love to have a family an show a woman how genuine I am but today’s world seems hard again I was only with one girl for 6 years, but I kind of feel like of the things you mentioned in your blog, I would like to say I do feel guilty for seeing escorts, and I’m not used to being alone. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I love your blog an read all the commends too after reading this I don’t even know if I want to see an escort because I feel bad inside , but I feel sorry for myself of what I’ve been through regarding this break up in maybe my reason as to why i see escorts

  23. Akirah

    You are definitely worth more than just money. your blog Open eyes to realize it’s not just about looks I myself being 29 of age who never did drugs drink or smoke feels like I gave my innocence away an my soul.. I feel like I’m a character in search of an exit and trying not to see escorts anymore I started at age 27 when my girlfriend of six years stopped putting out

  24. SassyAndOutrageous

    Hey, I started escorting the past six months. It is so emotionally exhausting. The money is great… and I’ve had similar experiences with really nice men.. but that doesn’t make the emotions any less exhausting. Pretending to be happy with someone is draining. How do you refresh? I’d love if you emailed me and we can swap stories :):)

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