Being in Love and Escorting at the Same Time – Can’t Have Both

Being with a man I love and being a successful escort at the same time only works in theory. In reality, one or the other will be strained. For me, my work becomes strained. I cut down clients, because it’s harder to ‘tune’ out my emotions when I’m in love. Alternatively, if I put more emphasis in escorting, then my relationship will be strained. I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Falling in love …it’s the worst thing for me as a sex worker. I become ‘stained.’ Stained, in a metaphorical way, in that my lover, the Sheik, has marked me (emotionally, physically, spiritually). The love consumes me at every moment. I only want to be with my love, nobody else. As a result, I am lazy when with other men (clients).

When I’m in love, it’s like I become chemically ‘marked’ by  his love… his scent never leaves my skin. It’s as if his scent stays with me to ward off other men and say, “This woman is off-limits.” His scent is there when I am with clients. I have withdrawals from this special ‘scent’ when it’s not with me. And the clients can detect it: they know my heart, mind and soul belong to another man.

I become a lazy, uninterested and mechanical service provider to my clients when I am in love. This is the second time it has happened to me. It happened when I was in love with my ex, and I could no longer see clients because the idea of letting other men touch me was unimaginable. And now, with the Sheik…the same is happening. I barely work, but occasionally I see the odd client or two (my Sheik, of course, has no knowledge of this). It’s extremely difficult to sit there with a man who I have NO attraction too…and lay in his arms and be pleasant, because all I am thinking of is how much I hate it.

Yet I need the money. The Sheik provides for me…but I need to stay in the business to meet other goals. I don’t want to become too dependent on the Sheik — no no no — I must not rely on his money, or his love. Dependency is a dangerous area, which I don’t want to be in. Yet I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes, I wish it was easy just to abandon this love. But it’s not easy

8 Comments

Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Relationships, The Escorting Business, The Sheik

8 responses to “Being in Love and Escorting at the Same Time – Can’t Have Both

  1. wobsy

    What is the answer to this conundrum? I suspect, from the way your blog is written, that you intend to change nothing?

  2. wobsy

    You are not stuck. You have the power. Decide what you want. Make a plan. Execute the plan. Do not be distracted. I’m not trying to convince you that it’s easy. BUT you can do it.

  3. Ivan

    Remember when i said that we always have a choice? well…This is a tough decision and you have the option to suffer now for hmm maybe a month or two or…suffer when he graduates.

    I don’t want to be mean or rude, but if i had to guess… I would say that he doesn’t loves you, why? because if he was in love, if he knew that YOU are his soul mate, and that YOU are definitely the kind of woman who any men would want to spend the rest of his life with… then he would choose to marry you…at what price? i know…Complicated but, what you are doing is wasting your your love and energy into a relationship that is not going to work out.

    I don’t believe in soul mates, but I’m just using the expression, but my guess is that he is doing something that is not allowed in his country, and he is obsessed and addicted with the interaction…Get away from men who pay you to have sex with them, that has to be the worst environment to choose a BF, just pay attention to your last relationship.
    This saudi sees no reason why women should vote, how do you think his saudi “values” affect the way he sees you? I’m not saying that you guys are not feeling things but this is the “Girlfriend experience” in a different level.
    .
    I HATE SAYING THAT, and i don’t want to hurt you, you are a smart sweet and VERY kind woman but you are not paying attention to this small things.

    I KNOW that you don’t belong to this world, but pay attention to every detail in life this moments are teaching you lessons, and you need to learn otherwise the lesson would be more harsh in a future.

  4. Habebtie entie,
    They have the point. I just wanna add up one thing: we are not getting younger with each year. It’s the opposite: we are getting older and older and therefore, need more security in life and more stability.
    Right now you are wasting time on this guy. It could have been another guy who at least can offer you a marriage and children.
    The man you are with right now does not inspire you to be a better person, to be a seeker of true, sustainable values in life. He is just a consumer, he is here in this country temporarily and he is extremely lucky to have the same girl (versus how many of them do: they look for new ones every week or month). Your guy is lucky! But he does not deserve being with you.

    • Bonnie M.

      I remember when me and my boyfriend of 2 and now fiance broke up, it was mento be for good, because i wanted to terminate a early pregnancy because we were in NO state of starting a little life. So after we broke up i decided to keep the baby. But to raise it on MY OWN. Mind you i am 20. After i heard he was with another woman happily (according to his friend.) i forced myself to reunite myself with a old ex, that told me he would give me the world for me and my baby, but when ide kiss and lay with him, i could not explain the imense pain i would feel continiously. I KNEW who i loved. And i did say my sorries and i was i found he was as miserable as me. So we reunited and i am just so happy. So ehat do you love? A boyfriend that loves and cares for you? Or some old, boring, sad yet rich men with money? And what would hurt to lose more? If your answer is that losing the second option would hurt more, you are just not living my dear. What you are living is NOT life. Wake up and decide! 🙂 much love, take care.

  5. Michael

    I’m currently in a relationship with an escort. After reading your article I’m more attentive to the struggle she is going through. She constantly tells me she wants to be happy. She always reassures me that it’s just work and she only has feelings for me. I try my best to hide my true feelings. I know it’s purely work but ever once in a while the thought of someone else touching her drives me crazy and I can’t hide those feelings. I know I’m totally selfish when i behave this way. I told her I would never tell her to stop working. That is a decision she has to make on her own. I don’t want her to have any regrets. I truly love her and I want a future with her. Your article scares me a little because it’s seems that you don’t think that’s possible. Thank you for sharing your story. I was in search of hearing from a woman’s perspective.

  6. diamondNicolad

    I have this situation I’m going through and questions I need answer
    My myself am. A prostitute I have fallen in love with a client. .. he met me on backpage.com. how do I know is true I am so scared on taking a chance . Please email me back so I can tell you my who situation I need some help

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