Sometimes, we learn when it’s too late..

With time comes change. My thoughts are constantly changing and evolving. Over one year ago, I broke off my engagement to my ex. I left on a selfish whim, because I was unsure of what I wanted. Last year, I blamed him for our problems. However I’ve realized that many of the issues that made me incapable of loving him was me. I denied love to him. He loved me with all of his heart, but I tore him apart with my insecurities. When I hated myself, I made sure that he felt just as unworthy, rejected and unwanted as I felt for myself. What an utterly selfish thing for me too.

When I met my fiance, I was not prepared to love another person. Back then I didn’t realize my inability to show love to others. I used escorting as means to support my addiction to money, but also to fuel my independence. Indeed, love is never without sacrifice. Back then, the money gave me an ego. By no means was I willing to give up my ego and my needs for another person. As a result, I neglected a man who loved me perhaps more than he loved himself. I took advantage of his devotion, affection and selfless nature.

My ex still believes that I never loved him. I don’t blame him. Judging from the ways I treated him he has every right to feel hurt and angst. The truth is, however, I loved him so much. He was my soulmate. The problem was that I didn’t know how to transform from escorting into a ‘normal’ relationship. I didn’t realize there would be implications of being in a ‘normal’ relationship when the previous years of my life were far from the ‘norm.’ Most of my life I was accustomed to getting what I want, so I acted very immaturely when it came time for me to compromise. My ex wasn’t demanding, however. He was patient and catered to everything I desired. He wanted a simple life for us, love and family. He went beyond his means to please me, yet his effort couldn’t sway my selfishness. Now, he tells me that I will never find a man who loved me as much as he did. I believe him, because I know it’s not possible. He entered my life for reason. Unfortunately, I hurt him and mistreated him, but had I not met him I would have never learnt from my mistakes.

The irony is that I yearned for love. Whenever I was depressed and feeling lonely, I longed for good people in my life. I longed for a partner who I could love and trust. Finally, when I met the ideal man, my ex, I contradicted myself: I denied love for him, and also myself. How ironic! I chose to cater to my addiction to money and materials (the shallow life). Only months later, I realized that being a prostitute I cannot runaway from love. Materialism means nothing without love, nothing. I am too emotional. I am too much in need of love. (even though I often have a problem expressing my love to others).

Prostitution is a very complex industry that cannot be measured in simple terms. We cannot just say it’s a business, because it is more complex as it involves human emotions and physical acts of ‘love.’ Some men seeks prostitutes for sexual fulfillment only, while other men are deeply lonely and are yearning to connect, love and share affection with a prostitute. As mentioned previously, I often attract clients who view me as a potential partner. It’s hard to see these men, because I feel I am cheating them. I feel guilty that I am denying them love and taking their money. In return they get my body, but what they seek is beyond sexual pleasure — these men need love. Again, my heart cries for these men, but I cannot love them all nor do I prefer them as my clients. And in my case as an escort, I attract romantic types, which isn’t always easy to handle. Now that I am in love, I would much prefer an ‘equal’ transaction ordeal, where a man pays me to ‘use’ my body without emotional attachment. Realistically, it doesn’t happen that way.

Instead, the only men I have loved, notably my ex and the Sheik, were my clients. I suppose they were the exception, because somehow the connection we had went beyond normal settings.

Lately, I do not work. I totally halted new clientele. I am in love, and ever so thankful for what I have. Yet of course, I am conflicted at times. At times I feel  I can sacrifice for the one of I love, but at other times I fear of losing myself and my independence. As mentioned before, I try to live in the moment, rather than look ahead. It’s not easy to live with this “live for now” perspective, but so far it’s all that I can do.

13 Comments

Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Relationships

13 responses to “Sometimes, we learn when it’s too late..

  1. Ivan

    Actually most of the time we learn when its too late, i truly believe that everything that happens to us is because directly or indirectly we allow it.

    I feel like i can read people, like I’m reading a book…Trust me, i’m Good, and absolutely i totally perceived (almost instantly) that you don’t belong to this world and i can imagine you trying to shut down your emotions when you are with a client although your shields apparently can be broken cause you are emotional so i’m thinking when you see that someone has been abused or mistreated you try to give him comfort and love and this tells me that you have deep motherly instincts with clients that could come from the lack of presence of your father? Hmmm…., about your ex. Uhmm 1st of all its his fault, when i was a teenager i used to be like him, i wanted to please women i loved, i loved them more than i loved myself hmmm maybe more like… My love for them was bigger than my self-respect, actually i remember that growing up (before i was 15) i had no idea i had above average looks, and after that i had no idea that the most important thing for a woman is your personality, how you control your environment, your confidence, how you speak, your body language etc etc so i had to built myself back again from zero, oh i had to learned to please women sexually too, and lol this was the easy part :p it came very natural.

    Why im telling you this? cause its not your fault, you were not what he needed or maybe if he learned his lesson…..MAYBE, he needed that exp.
    And besides he struck you with an open hand and thats not exactly love, i could go deeper about this but this is getting too long, but trust me it was NOT a healthy situation.

    In my opinion life always is trying to teach you lessons and if you don’t listen and if you don’t pay attention, the lesson is going to hit you harder and harder and harder.

    Good Luck and stay safe.

  2. Ivan

    btw ugh can you teach a thing or 2 to my GF about self-criticism? ugh… she is a tiny bit unstable lol :p

  3. escortdiary

    Thanks for sharing your experience Ivan. You seem very aware of the realities of life. I agree with you to an extent about not belonging to this ‘escorting world.’ However, at other times I feel this is actually who I am. Sometimes I despise that fact I’m a working girl, but then I’ve also experienced days when I can enjoy seeing certain clients. Clearly my emotions are dynamic rather than static.

    As for your girlfriend……I don’t know any woman who isn’t a ‘tiny bit’ unstable. 🙂

    • Ron

      I just came across your blog and boy is it needed I think for escorts and clients…I am still licking my wounds from a “relationship” with an escort whom at first I didn’t know she was a “pro” as I call it..She responded to a singles ad over 2 years ago I placed in CL…looking for a woman to come to my home for some wine, conversation and dinner….for a fee….Of course we ended up having sex….she was a 23 yr old very attractive woman “down on her luck” from her hours as a dental assistant being cut back….she sent me a text the next day telling me what a pleasure it was to meet me…now I have seen escorts before and college students or single parent woman who escorted temporariily to meet their needs….and I thought based on her presentation that this was in fact this woman’s situation…she was different because she used her real name and we began seeing each other weekly…..she never watched the clock..we’d stay in my bed for sometimes 2 hours talking about our lives, our thoughts…I felt as the relationship progressed I could ask her anything about women…we even talked about our personal dating lives, gave each other advice etc…..I grew very fond of her….partly due to her response to me being very respectful and caring….I remember when I bought her a birthday guft she was ecstatic…”nobody does this for me” she said. It was no big deal either like a 50 gift certificate to Victoria Secret…now she told me she was seeing a few other regulars all married but me and she was happy with her situation. A yr into the relationship while looking through escort ads in BackPages purely for entertainment..( I shy away from porn sites due to getting a computer virus once in the past…ruined my computer)..and I see picture, her number advertising her “services”…I felt betrayed..only because I said to her time and time again I didn’t want to see an escort renting a hotel room seeing 10 guys or more a day…I was in my 50’s and been there done that and I found it too mechanical…I started avoiding her texts when finally she became very upset…I called her as I felt talking was better than texting on such an issue….I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore because of the ads…she pleaded with me, began to cry and say she did that to move to a new apartment etc…needed a lot of money fast etc….I was very fond of her and believed her..the relationship progressed to me telling her I think I loved her…she sent a text one day to me simply saying..”I love you too”….There were a few times by now we used no protection, and she told me I was the only man she did that with, was on birth control etc….I almost took her on a vacation to Florida with me….continued buying her x-mas gifts, birthday gifts etc…until this past July she tells me she’s moving to Florida to “start a new life”….returning to college, live with a friend who was already an established attorney etc….she even showed me this woman’s Facebook page, etc…(we were FB friends as well)…We often talked that we knew one day our relationship would end..I used to tease her and say I wanted to be invited to her wedding when she found the right guy,etc..We said our goodbyes, she told me she would be back north for the holidays and that I could visit her on my annual 2 week winter vacation to Fla….She added she would text me when she arrived in FL..(Her and her friend were driving down)….days go by no text..I send a simple text. like Hey did you get there ok?…text after text for a week go unanswered..I am now worried and begin to look for her…thinking also maybe this is “the dump”…but after 2 years of sharing our most inner feelings thoughts etc????Bottom line it was all a lie….found her in jail arrested on a violation of probabtion and possession of s controlled substance…Her probation officer who I had tracked down as well told me ( the PO made it clear she would be fired if her supv. found out she was divulging personal info on a client….but a grown 50 yr old man crying in her office was I guess too much to bear)…my dear “Cassie” was a heroin addict…covered her tracts with body make up…never ever once did I see her high strung out etc….Never…she refused to allow me to visit her in jail…then when she finally was released to treatment etc (out-pt) she sent me the most meanist cruel e-mail anyone could send..How I disgusted her…and she hated sleeping with me…..how high she was everytime she was with me and her “regulars”…How I should get tested because if a guy wanted bareback she give it to them, how she dreaded every time being with me…..(THe woman deserves an academy award for acting) I was devestated….tried to wiish her well to only to be sent another nasty mean e-mail…I can’t believe I was so “taken in”…and betrayed…bottom line..I had myself tested for every STD under the sun including Hep C etc….all negative thank God…needless to say….I don’t believe a damn word any escort says to me……Mind you I am always a gentleman, humble in the helping profession and have a daughter…I would never make a woman feel like a piece of property or anything..If they came to my home I always offered drink or food etc….never would place them in a situation where they were uncomfortable..hell sometimes all through a sex act I’d be asking if they were ok..what they wanted…always was showered clean etc…..I am still licking my wounds…and believe it or not I think of her everyday…how she’s getting along? Is she staying clean?…..Did it all really happen??Thank you for listening.Be well and safe

  4. Alessia

    Hey i just found your blog..and iv read it all in one go..amazing life story. You seem so brave. This is really weird but ure so easy to relate to.
    I relate to you as i was just like any other girl growing up in the west reading mags like Cosmo..and Cleo that would glamourise the idea of escorting and it was always something that played on my mind yet i never had the courage to act upon it. Through study and then finding that missing piece in my life, i was 18 when i converted to Islam and 2 years later i had an arranged marriage to saudi and now extremely happy alhamdulillah.
    Enough about me..
    You seem to be in a life changing state of mind at the moment. I only hope that you and ure man find a way to be together.
    I think ure saudi is genuine in the love he has for you..these guys are naive in a way; when they love, they love hard because on the most part they have not felt true love with another woman before.
    xox

    • escortdiary

      Thanks for the comment Alessia. I’m very happy to hear that you are happy. Alhamdollah. I am sure you must have faced some life changing decisions yourself 🙂 Feel free to email me anytime.

  5. Ivan

    Ok i have like 3-4 ideas on my mind but i need to go out, but first of all its clearly that you are evaluating your year, and the fact that its been almost a year since you broke up your commitment is giving you a PLUS try to do this more frequently.

    1. Are you surprised that sometimes you enjoy sex? and that you enjoy the company that arab guys give you? you know guys that your subconscious uses to replace your father? or that you enjoy the easy money?
    And btw this is not something coming out of a horrible human being, dear God i can feel your kindness, but you are in a strange situation, its like when you go to school, most of the time you HATE IT as a kid but at least i knew that i LOVED history and i enjoyed that moment.
    In your case you enjoy some experiences and this has to do with different reasons but this DOES NOT mean that you are a prostitute, or that you belong to this world.
    next time im going to share with you my ideas but before i need your sincere opinion.

    2.- first of all lol i was very very kind with the tiny bit unstable lol…. Now, my GF is a muslim and she does NOT want to have sex with me until we get “married” but damn it im still a guy with needs, and lately ive been thinking if i should use the services of an escort, sigh, its killing me its a inner conflict that sucks.

    take care and good luck and in case i dont talk to you until next year, happy new year and happy holidays

  6. Dave

    WOW! There’s an amazing amount of honest self criticism in this blog entry. Are you sure you’re in your 20s? Because most people don’t manage this level of self discovery until much later in life. I’m glad you can see yourself and the mistakes of the past so clearly. I’d have to agree with Ivan in that I find it difficult to believe your Ex was your soulmate. The degree of anger and jealousy you describe are incompatible with this. I would definitely agree that prostitution is far from a simple money for sex transaction and I’m glad you’ve come to understand the emotional side effects. I wish you the very best of luck as you stretch beyond the boundaries you’ve lived within so far. Growth is painful, our instincts are to stay safely within whatever niche we can find. Growth is also VERY rewarding when we finally find a niche that meets our deepest needs. May God grant you the strength to keep growing and searching until you find it.

  7. Joe

    Ivan —
    I’m a guy, raised and living in the West. Wanting to wait until married before sex doesn’t make your GF “a tiny bit unstable”. It makes her “traditional”. Do you love her unconditionally? If so, then you can wait. Having sex is optional in life, not mandatory. Food, water, shelter and breathing are mandatory. You do have “needs”, but sex is not one of them. It IS a powerful drive but it is NOT a “need”.

    Sahar —
    You say, “Prostitution is a very complex industry that cannot be measured in simple terms. ” You speak the truth. The emotional consequences are staggering. I wish for you the best.

  8. hurtandangry

    Hi, I just found out my girlfriend is an escort.. she kept this from me and I found out because I looked on her phone. I’m angry and I hate her… We were friends before we dated… I feel betrayed.. and yet I gave her my heart. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do……

    • escortdiary

      Perhaps she wanted to tell you, but was worried of your reaction. Keep in mind that most escorts do not simply choose to sell themselves. Also, they do it for the sole purpose of money, not for pleasure. Perhaps try to understand why she does this?

      • Rob

        I need advice, I fell in love with a woman from an online “regular dating” website after a few days of being with her we had the most amazing chemistry and I found true love again.

        I am 39 years old and had fell in love only once in the past more than 10 years ago, I have vast experience with women but I only fell in love once before so I know this is not the fact that I’m impressed by her beauty or a shallow feeling, I actually like her when she is not in make up and just comfortable home.

        After a few days we started dating she confessed that she had been an escort in the past, for me that was a big shock but I was completely able to get my head over that and continue to be happy, you need to understand that I come from a very very traditional family for example, my mother was only married to my father and when he passed away she never remarried or dated again. So to get over that fact was kind of a big deal for me. We moved in together and had a very loving relationship she is an exceptional woman and has a true pure soul. it’s been almost 7 months of being in-love.

        She has issues with depression, recently she was depressed and we cut a lot on the tons of sex we were having and affected me a bit because I have no addictions or anything like that so sex will be one of my few outlets, So I’ve been trying to be really really understanding about it, she was not even showering for almost a week she said it was all related to her depression. Yesterday she dropped a bomb on me she said that she wants to go back to “working” she said that is not only the money she said that it’s a feeling she can’t really explain. I’ve taken care of her from A to Z we don’t have luxury but she has everything she needs.

        I feel like running out and screaming she seemed so different yesterday when she mentioned this. Today is December 29th on December 26 she had just sent me this text: “I had a wonderful Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. We have a beautiful family”

        I am desperate I don’t know what to do, I know I can’t chain her to our relationship if she doesn’t want it but I also think that she doesn’t make right decisions for her a lot of times. Yes, she will make a lot of money, Yes, she will live the lifestyle, but at the end of the day she will end up alone and empty. She has a daughter that her mom takes care of, She is worried always about them.

        What can I do? Please help me I have absolutely no experience on anything like this.

        I will do absolutely anything in the world for her, I will sell my house, I will work double. I truly want her to be happy also please please I need advise.

      • Rob2

        In response to Rob:

        I will give you full disclosure because well I’m a Licensed Psychotherapist and my remarks are reflective of that as well as the fact I’m a man…If you’re not already in therapy then get yourself there asap….if you can convince your girlfriend to go as well that would be a huge plus…Is dhe currently under any treatment for her depression?….If not she needs it….You may want to tell her how much you love her and are concerned and to put her “plan” to return to work on “hold” for a while until you both talk to a professional…word of mouth is the best way to find a good, competent understanding therapist.Your girlfriend might need more than “talk” therapy, IDK…but depression is a medical illness and responds very well to medication. Even under the best of circumstances…..let’s say she decides not go back to work …you will be riding a roller coaster for the entire time you stay with her unless she and you get treatment…..now as a man, I know what it’s like to be so in love with a woman you feel like that’s your entire life…and for now…well it is…Whenever I have been involved with someone as you are (I’m 20 years older than you so have had a few more relationships)…I always had to look deep within myself and ask why my self-esteem was/is so wrapped up in a particular woman…there’s almost no easy way to go through what you’re going through…I’ve always had very good friends and a fantastic brother to help me get through times like what you describe…I do believe there will be no substitute for going to therapy….with a good solid understanding, non-judgemental therapist…Good luck..

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