Prostitutes are marginalized in almost all societies in the world today. I am fully aware that I have to conceal the fact that I sold myself as a commodity in order to ‘succeed’ in any future career. Let’s face it, we do not value comfort women, because they ‘contaminate’ the prescriptions of society. We do not think how or why they do it, or if they enjoy it. Society tells us these ‘non-conformists’ are unworthy of love…un-worthly of acknowledgement. In this mentality whatever does NOT benefit the society and it’s status-quo is simply ignored or dismissed. I like what Amber (beinganescort @ blogspot) wrote in one of her posts about how people are quick to condemn prostitutes, but they never consider our emotions.
Sometimes, however, I have a desire to ‘come out.’ Sometimes, I want to go against society, and test the barriers. How will others treat me when they know about my past? Will I be labeled? Will I be taken seriously? Probably not. Yet, why can I not have a voice? The answer is simple: I fear rejection. Rejection from one person is one matter, but rejection from society is another. I remember meeting a very educated and ambitious escort in her mid-30’s. Her and I got quite close when we were working together, however she never dared to reveal any personal information about herself. I never knew her real name. I never knew her ethnicity. I did know she was planning to work in international law, and that’s all. Why does she have to hide her shame? Even if she does become successful, she can never share her emotions of her experiences in the sex-trade.
Again, I mentioned in previous posts: to avoid being rejected or outcasted in society, I conform to the prescribed ideals. I do not tell people that I am prostitute, nor do I dress, look, or behave like what is stereotypically expected of one. Lately, I’ve grown tiresome of concealing my identity. I used to have a huge fear of people judging me. The only fear that really remains is my family finding out. My parents are too old to understand the bigger picture, and moreover I don’t want them to worry about me. I do not need to tell everyone what I do, because it’s sex– and sex is something that is intimate between myself and the participant. However, you might ask: Why do you have a public blog talking about your work? The answer is simple: it’s my outlet; it’s also for girls who may be in a similar position than me; it’s also for those who want a realistic insight from an escort rather than relying on fictional-depictions found elsewhere.
Years ago, I used to place myself on a pedestal above other escorts/prostitutes. I felt that I was ‘above’ them because I didn’t look or act like a “whore.” However, I have come to realize that I am just like every other prostitute. There are no real social hierarchies…, at the end of the day, a prostitute has sex for money (and it doesn’t matter if she is working on the streets or she is driving a Mercedes). Now, I feel no shame. Why should I feel shame about something I did? If I hurt anyone I only hurt myself…I did not hurt others. I don’t feel I am a bad person, so why allow myself to feel I did something terribly wrong? Who says its wrong? Sure many can argue that a prostitute contributes to a man cheating on their spouse. But again, who instilled these values? Are these values of fidelity and pureness innate? Or were we socialized to accept these values?
Film for Thought: Malena, starring Monica Bellucci, always puts me to tears. It’s a classic example of society, and how they marginalized the character Malena for her non-conforming habits. The beating scene is so powerful, because finally we get to hear the pain felt by Malena. Her voice was silenced throughout the whole movie. Everyone in town was quick to condemn her, but nobody cared to hear her voice. In a recent history lecture our class came across the topic of prostitution in a historical context. My professor wanted to note how the voices of these women, the prostitutes, were silenced…nobody knew their stories. She said if they (the prostitutes) had a chance to have a voice perhaps they wouldn’t have been treated harshly. Again, how can one dictate who can or cannot have a voice?
The beating scene from the film Malena. The village women taking their revenge on a woman whom they never once spoke too.
“Honor and shame are two sides of the SAME coin”
– Kama Sutra: Tale of Love (film)
*On a less serious note: I thought it was only young Saudi men who had a fondness towards their mothers. My older Saudi client, the 50’something year Dad, has left town. Apparently he is quite bored where he is, so he calls me usually everyday with his little-to-no English. He has began to call me his Mother…he says it multiple times: “enti (you’re my..) ..Mather…mama….ummm..Motherrrr.” I find it funny, and to be honest I like it. An old Saudi man referring to a 20-something year old girl as his Mama…, in a foolish way, it makes me feel honored.