Conflicting Roles: Prostitute and Student

I am seeing a counselor now. We’ve had about three sessions so far. She is very understanding, and it feels relieving to talk to someone about virtually all aspects of my life. I trust her. I feel I can trust anyone who is educated about social issues, because rather than judge they look at people from a macro social perspective. In the past, I was almost tempted to tell one of my professors that I was a prostitute, because I knew she would not judge me (however, I did not tell her).

My counsellor told me that a lot of my issues are stemming from being unable to identify myself. She said there were three me’s: (the escort, the REAL me and lastly, the “me” when I’m with friends and family who aren’t aware of my profession). She said she completely understands why I often feel, well, LOST. Essentially, I am a sexy escort at night (behind closed doors, of course) and in the daytime I am an ‘innocent’ University student. But who’s the real me? That is a question I don’t know how to answer.

I am not sure what I seek from her counselling services. Her advice was interesting, but there was no solution. There isn’t one.  For one, I am in no position to leave the industry anytime soon. Although the job can be stressful at times, at other times it can be great. Lately I’ve really enjoyed working and seeing clients. I got over my burn-out and feel totally rejuvenated. My hormones are off the chains, and I find myself being extremely aroused these days. Unfortunately for me, my favorite clients are leaving next month for Ramadan (the Saudis). Two clients of mine have been driving me wild in comparison to the Sheik. I have now realized that it’s possible for a man to get better with his sexual skills and evolve. One of my younger Saudi clients/friend, Khalid, has began to impress me a lot….and consequently, I crave him more than I did before. But again, what is a life to be only wanted for sexual pleasure?

5 Comments

Filed under Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself, Uncategorized

5 responses to “Conflicting Roles: Prostitute and Student

  1. Ivan

    Well like i told you before, i have to agree with your counselor, and btw the reason you like Saudis is because you are searching a guy like your father.

    Save money and be ready when you have to leave this life.

    Good luck

  2. Hi, I thought I commented on this post already, but apparently not.
    I know this is a late reply to an older post, but I think you’re very brave to tell this to a counselor. Even though you admit all your sorrows and pains trough your blog, I still think you’re a strong and admirable woman. I know depression and feelings of emptiness, and sadness, but I never talked with counselor about the ‘deviant’ part of my life.
    Take good care

  3. Hi, here I am…..again. Jesus….I’m starting to feel like a stalker 😦 .
    I have this question for you. Did you, by chance, read my post about depression, stress and sex work? I’m planning to do some research about sex work and mental health. You are very open about personal feelings, so I thought; Maybe she’ll show some interest in my article. Maybe there is something she can relate to?
    I’m actually very curious what you think of this post. You’re much longer in prositution (can I call it that way?) than I am, so maybe you can add important opinion, or advice?

  4. what you need is unconditional love but beware of the charmers

  5. Aphrodite

    Hi Sahar, I wanted to read this post again because, me too, I’m seeing a counselor. I’ve been feeling really ‘low’ these last 3 months.
    I know the man longer than those 3 months tough, and I feel I can trust him.
    He is not an ordinary guy or therapist, so I feel, that, even if he can’t help me with anything, he will listen to me without passing a judgement. I’v been seeing him now and then over the past 6 months, but not that often. If I saw him, I told about my unhappiness, and my misfortunes…yet never about my deepest secret. He won’t find a solution, I know. But I feel all those sessions would have been wasted if I didn’t tell him.

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