The Polars of Love & Guarding Modesty

Such love is never balanced. It’s either he’s chasing me, and I’m not interested. Or vice versa. Yet I seldom make my affection apparent. Last month I did my best to make him feel that I don’t need him in my life. I tend to do such foolish things when I’m high on my own ego. I felt so wanted, and I rubbed it in his face. Last month it was “I don’t need you.” But now, it’s: I only want you.

I mentioned in a post before about fate….and how fate is driving me to question why things happen. It is the work of some Supreme Being? Or it just the law of nature? I’ve noticed that my mind acts to neutralize the polar of my emotions. For instance, the last month had been rather great for me. Often, when things are great and I’m feeling highly desirable I tend to lose myself in selfishness. Well, today, my mind’s equilibrium kicked in to deflate my ego, which was peaking. I’m back down-to-earth, leaning slightly on the depression side.

Guard Your Innocence …

Modesty Veil

True Beauty is not necessarily visible. When we see it, feel it, create it, hear it, touch it, or taste it…it’s something that’s not comparable to anything else — because it’s the beauty of Holiness.

Shallow beauty is a curse. Only in recent years have I realized that valuing superficial beauty is more harm than good. Any woman who is aware of her ‘beauty’ and takes measures to flaunt it will face repercussions. Relying on ones physical beauty is dangerous, as it lays the seeds for insecurities. Such beauty will eventually fade, and a such a woman cannot cope when she is no longer praised for that worthless quality. Yet, it is so hard to not embrace beauty, because Western society promotes shallow individualistic behavior. Such vulgarity and shallow values in the West pressured me to focus on my external. My beauty is how I survive and it’s what I’ve relied on not only for money but for opportunities and attention. By doing this, it has only harmed my internal self. Ironically, I wish to hide from the world these days. I am starting to value and admire modesty. I’ve started to feel that veiling (hejab or niqab) has a lot of meaning. Modesty is so beautiful, but sadly it’s becoming less and less prominent.

I wish my Mother had protected my innocence as a young girl. As soon as I learned that my looks enhanced the way others perceived me I began self-exploitation. It didn’t help that the mass media endorsed my self-exploitation, by making it seem acceptable for women to be sex-objects. I cannot imagine what it must be like to raise a young girl in Western society today. My Mother is a loving and great woman, but she was too permissive with me. She was too naive when raising her children in a different country than her own. Little did she know that her daughter would venture off to a secret lifestyle. I don’t blame my Mother, as she didn’t know any better. All she knew was that her extremely strict upbringing made her unhappy, so she decided to do the opposite. It’s so sad to see  that young minds are becoming sexualized. Even worse, Western culture has been diffused globally, so the trend of sexual exploitation is increasing. This reminds of me when I first encountered provocative Muslim women, who wear skin tight clothing, 5-inch sexy high heels, and of course a hejab! Western Cultural imperialism has succeeded indeed.

I continue to sell my body for multiple reasons. Yes, for money. But also out of comfort, habit, and enjoyment at times. I’m addicted to the money, my autonomy, the easiness of the actual work, and the admiration from the men. But there are hardships too, yet the hardships are not because of actually selling my body. The hardships are political (the stigma affects how we belong in society). Sometimes I desire to quit, sometimes I don’t.

For further readings on prostitution and it’s relation to sexual objectification of women, I found a great article here:

“Pleasure and sex which can be bought apart from woman’s soul: conditioning men into thinking of women as objects and pressurizing women to “conform” to sex-beauty protocols” -(Source below)


Filed under Relationships, Trying to leave prostitution, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

7 responses to “The Polars of Love & Guarding Modesty

  1. I can see why you would think that. I grew up in the United States but I was raised in a conservative Jewish family that practiced traditional cultural values. There was a very strong sense of the old country present among us, and even of ancient times in the Middle East, that came through in our language, songs and stories. We had our own celebrations, our own dietary laws, our own history and I never felt that I was a part of mainstream American society. I was also never fully accepted as a part of mainstream American society when I was growing up due to my background and my appearance. Even though I am white skinned, I have dark curly hair and and a curvy body and when I was a child this marked me as different.
    People that I meet in my daily life sometimes comment that I seem foreign. This probably is due more to my energy than my appearance per se and I don’t have an accent. I live now in California and every once in a while someone erroneously thinks I am latina.
    When I was in college I began to connect to other cultures and their ancient foundations. I did study anthropology and sociology for a time. I believe we all carry an extensive history within our own ancestries of our travels across this world, that we can feel in our hearts and dreams and visions, different resonances.
    I have travelled in the Middle East and India and so that has also informed my perspective. I guess that I is why I understand your feelings about the differences between the old world and the new.
    Blessings beautiful Sahar ❤

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing that dear.
      It seems you’ve had quite the fascinating experience, which has shaped you deeply. I was going to guess you were Latina or perhaps Iranian. Among Jews, there is so much diversity. If you get a chance, watch a Jewish film called, “Late Marriage.” You may like it 🙂
      Like you, I also studied anthropology and sociology. In these fields, I was lucky to meet some individuals whom I could admire. I am also happy to hear you traveled to the Middle East and India, as this region is filled with fascinating history and philosophies.
      Warm hugs x

  2. this one makes me cry. I love the honesty of your introspection. It is so true that we constantly fluctuate between ego and negative ego and this illusory sense of self informs our values to such a large degree. Sometimes I too long to live in a traditional culture where I feel that roles would be more clearly demarcated, where I would not feel a need to make so many choices or to fend for myself, where I could be valued for my presence and contribution and not because of how I look or what I have achieved. And yet I feel I must remind myself sometimes that traditional societies came with their own problems too. The social pressure from the tribe to be a certain way can be stifling; also often there are those who are looked down upon in the tribe or ostracized for some reason.
    For a number of years in my spiritual studies I sought to bring myself to a place within where I felt content and peaceful and did not define myself in relation to the perceptions of others. I focused hard on my spiritual studies but I have to be honest that it got me nowhere (well not nowhere but not quite where I wanted to go) and I am still very emotionally vulnerable to how others perceive me. Sigh…

    • escortdiary

      Thank you so kindly for sharing that dear.

      I wondered about these things for many years. But now, things are starting to make sense. That’s the real beauty in life — the spiritual elements, which are there to remind us of what is important in life.

      I am so fascinated by you and where you acquired your mind. I have this assumption that you are mixed or perhaps of have a foreign descent — am I right?

      With love, S

  3. Aphrodite

    Dear Sahar,
    I found this to be an especially interesting post.
    I’ve been stuck with some very contradictory views towards Western society.
    Some views seem to fit, some not at all, and some don’t fit any society (well, you probably know what I mean 🙂 )

    • escortdiary

      I wrote this post a long time ago. I forget to mention which kind of beauty I was talking about. There is beauty that is good. For me, true beauty is a manifestation of God, such as love.

      Yet in the warped society we live in, people think beauty is in money, fake tans, fake hair, makeup, fake boobs, etc. People have lost the appreciation of TRUE beauty, which is spiritual…..and can be found in many things.

  4. Ivan

    I have to disagree with some of your ideas… I keep hearing that the media is the one to blame, but the truth is this “instincts” is inside of us, this is what made us humans and helped us to survive… let me explain.

    What makes you attracted to a guy? Most of the girls want “the tribal leader”, a secure type of guy, the guy who can provide you food (now money) and protection why? because it was the best opportunity to survive and its attached to your brain, when humans were not civilized and we lived in tribes well, the best way to survive is if your mate is the tribal leader.

    Same thing with a guy, our instincts tell us that the best chance we have healthy babies is if our girl has wide hips, or big boobs etc etc … the truth is you should look for a guy who you have chemistry cause i can tell you that love eventually is going to fade, this is why i don’t believe in soul mates, that is bullshit.

    I have no idea what happened to you and why you chose this path but you can always change or evolve, i strongly disagree that a niqab is the solution to our society problems cause it suppress what makes us humans, but i respect your opinion.

    with that being said, yes some guys treat women as a prize or as a trophy… and this is why i dont give physical compliments until im in a relationship, and this is why i dont kiss a girl like the world is going to end tomorrow in public or grab her boobs in public.

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