Monthly Archives: July 2011

Conflicting Roles: Prostitute and Student

I am seeing a counselor now. We’ve had about three sessions so far. She is very understanding, and it feels relieving to talk to someone about virtually all aspects of my life. I trust her. I feel I can trust anyone who is educated about social issues, because rather than judge they look at people from a macro social perspective. In the past, I was almost tempted to tell one of my professors that I was a prostitute, because I knew she would not judge me (however, I did not tell her).

My counsellor told me that a lot of my issues are stemming from being unable to identify myself. She said there were three me’s: (the escort, the REAL me and lastly, the “me” when I’m with friends and family who aren’t aware of my profession). She said she completely understands why I often feel, well, LOST. Essentially, I am a sexy escort at night (behind closed doors, of course) and in the daytime I am an ‘innocent’ University student. But who’s the real me? That is a question I don’t know how to answer.

I am not sure what I seek from her counselling services. Her advice was interesting, but there was no solution. There isn’t one.  For one, I am in no position to leave the industry anytime soon. Although the job can be stressful at times, at other times it can be great. Lately I’ve really enjoyed working and seeing clients. I got over my burn-out and feel totally rejuvenated. My hormones are off the chains, and I find myself being extremely aroused these days. Unfortunately for me, my favorite clients are leaving next month for Ramadan (the Saudis). Two clients of mine have been driving me wild in comparison to the Sheik. I have now realized that it’s possible for a man to get better with his sexual skills and evolve. One of my younger Saudi clients/friend, Khalid, has began to impress me a lot….and consequently, I crave him more than I did before. But again, what is a life to be only wanted for sexual pleasure?


Filed under Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself, Uncategorized

Talk vs. Action & Saudi Men

Saudi Arabia is supposedly the country that practices true Islam. So why is it that a large number of Saudi students (men) contradict the norms of Saudi society when they come to the West? Is it that repression creates desire? Or is it because Western influences tempt Saudis to do what is considered haram?

There seems to be a double standard for Saudi men. They can sleep with as many woman as they want. Some even drink alcohol and get high with drugs abroad. In their debauched mentality, they feel such sins will be forgiven by Allah when they repent. Life will be perfect once they return to their homeland, right? Whenever I come across a Saudi with that mentality (sin now and repent later), I’m tempted to slap some sense into him. Then I realize there’s no point, because those Saudis (not all) will never doubt their indoctrination. Inevitably, they will marry a virginal wife, and they’ll give up casual sex or drinking……..but how long will such modesty last? Does one blame a hypocritical Saudi society? Or does one blame Western Neo-Liberal influence that has permeated almost all global societies?

Recently I met a young woman who told me that she frequents with Saudis. She seems to have a very negative view about them. She said very bluntly, “Saudi men only want to fuck you.” Of course, it’s a poor form of reasoning to label an entire peoples based on set stereotypes. While I agreed with her to an extent,  I also know that a minority of Saudi students are not this stereotype. I wanted so badly to tell her about my experiences with Saudis (clients) because she had no idea that Saudi men pay for sex. I wanted to tell her how Saudi men not only want sex but they also want affection. Again, my experiences may be biased. The Saudis I’ve become close too always say how sex is not the most important thing between us. They enjoy my company, and especially my affection. Often, I feel I am acting as their Mother/Wife. I empathize with them. Saudi students studying abroad are alone often. They have plenty of male friends and can easily have sex, but many want more than that.

Generally, Saudis are unlike any other clients. I enjoy learning about their experiences and their lives. Most of them haven’t been exposed to the West long enough to have ‘contaminated’ superficial minds (yet many are becoming increasingly seduced by the so-called ‘charm’ of the West). However, for the most part, Saudis are not individualistic, but rather kinship oriented. Often, Western women wonder why their Saudi boyfriend cannot marry with them. Many narratives exist to discourage Saudi-Foreign marriages, and these narratives are propagated as a ‘panic’ and a ‘duty’ for Saudis to ‘maintain’ their scarce kinship values. Dominant discourses are powerful in essentially ‘brainwashing’ naive minds into believing the state agendas are moralistic. The problem with this logic is that there is no such thing as an all-encompassing “Saudi” culture.  Being ‘Saudi’ is a modern, political identity and has nothing to do with tribalism, despite laws use the vocabulary of religion and tribalism. The indigenous culture(s) of the Arabian Peninsula have long been altered by modernity and engagement with the West.  Anti-miscegenation laws in Saudi Arabia ignore a rich history of intense intercultural relations that have always occurred in the Arabian Peninsula. But with modernity and globalization, Saudi Arabian state officials have resorted to propagating ideas of ‘losing it’s culture‘ in order to maintain their hegemony. However, the real concern is NOT about a ‘culture’ facing erosion — the real concern is about the state maintaining their exploitative power and dominance. Saudi Arabia is a modern nation-state that plays the same ‘pseudo-humanity’ game as with other nation-states: nation-states use citizenship, social hierarchies, nationalism and exclusion as strategic tactics (very unIslamic) ways of maintaining power. There is NOTHING Islamic about forbidding two believers from marrying each other. 

Yet despite the adoption of modernity, marriage differs in Saudi Arabia compared to versions of modern marriage in the West. In the West, couples are typically individualistic, which means they will marry whom they choose because family input is of less importance. But for most Saudis, they are accustomed to consider their family values with all their decisions. It’s frustrating knowing there is probably no future for the Sheik and I, yet at the same time I am also empathetic to the concept of resisting Western influence (but let’s face it, the West has already bombarded Saudi society though globalization). After all, my own culture used to practice the same form of arranged marriages, and to a certain extent, some still do. Yet social conditions and circumstances have changed, which means old traditions no longer mean the same in this new context. Inevitably, conflict is bound to arise. 

Anyway, the young woman I met brought up a good point: If Saudi Arabia as a country was focused on true Islam, then why aren’t they helping those with less? Why aren’t they helping the Palestinians, or Iraqis? Why don’t they help those marginalized in their own society, such as labourers and maids from impoverished countries? Again, people have this belief that the nation-state is a vehicle of humanitarianism, but it’s not.  Saudi Arabia as a nation-state is, again, not concerned about social justice, despite giving off this impression. I don’t think the simple Islamic ideals of social justice (through just and moral behavior, zakat, sadaqah) can coexist within the modern nation-state setting, as consumer-capitalism negates the essence of Islam. After all, Prophet Mohammed (s.a.w.) was an advocate for goodness, justice and humanity, and Islam was to solve the evils that the Quraysh had commited (greed, wealth hoarding, asabiyah, etc). The sad reality is that Islam is being negated by some Saudis, yet they try to justify their behaviour with warped interpretations of Qur’an and Hadith. Just type in ‘prostitution in Syria’ on youtube and one will find Syrian dance-halls filled with Iraqi prostitutes and Saudi clients. It breaks my heart, because these women are not selling sex for the same reasons as I. The Arab prostitutes in Syria, Bahrain, or other neighboring countries are doing it because they have no other choice. Why aren’t the Saudis protecting these women instead of just using them as pieces of meat? When I think too much about how men can use women as sex-objects at their convenience, it makes me bitter………but again I no longer blame the men. Instead, I look at how debauched societal values (based on consumerism) are so powerful at influencing norms for behavior towards others — here lies the VITAL importance in gaining knowledge (‘ilm), because one should never blindly accept what is told to them, one must always question.

On the contrary, I spent this evening with the older Saudi man I mentioned previously. I’ll refer to him as Abu Saud. I hate to admit it, but I actually enjoy seeing him. We cannot have a proper conversation because of language barriers, but somehow we manage to laugh and communicate through non-verbal cues. In his limited English, he has a tendency to tell me very personal things about himself. He repeated his home address to me, and then showed me his wallet with his ID card, which means I know where he lives and his family name. It made me laugh. All I could think was, “Why are you telling me this?” I could never imagine one of my White married clients eagerly telling me where he lives or his family name.

Abu Saud is a sweet older man. I try to suppress the fact that he’s being unfaithful to his wife. I must ignore these things, but I know it will affect me when/if I’m a wife one day.


Filed under Uncategorized

The Polars of Love & Guarding Modesty

Such love is never balanced. It’s either he’s chasing me, and I’m not interested. Or vice versa. Yet I seldom make my affection apparent. Last month I did my best to make him feel that I don’t need him in my life. I tend to do such foolish things when I’m high on my own ego. I felt so wanted, and I rubbed it in his face. Last month it was “I don’t need you.” But now, it’s: I only want you.

I mentioned in a post before about fate….and how fate is driving me to question why things happen. It is the work of some Supreme Being? Or it just the law of nature? I’ve noticed that my mind acts to neutralize the polar of my emotions. For instance, the last month had been rather great for me. Often, when things are great and I’m feeling highly desirable I tend to lose myself in selfishness. Well, today, my mind’s equilibrium kicked in to deflate my ego, which was peaking. I’m back down-to-earth, leaning slightly on the depression side.

Guard Your Innocence …

Modesty Veil

True Beauty is not necessarily visible. When we see it, feel it, create it, hear it, touch it, or taste it…it’s something that’s not comparable to anything else — because it’s the beauty of Holiness.

Shallow beauty is a curse. Only in recent years have I realized that valuing superficial beauty is more harm than good. Any woman who is aware of her ‘beauty’ and takes measures to flaunt it will face repercussions. Relying on ones physical beauty is dangerous, as it lays the seeds for insecurities. Such beauty will eventually fade, and a such a woman cannot cope when she is no longer praised for that worthless quality. Yet, it is so hard to not embrace beauty, because Western society promotes shallow individualistic behavior. Such vulgarity and shallow values in the West pressured me to focus on my external. My beauty is how I survive and it’s what I’ve relied on not only for money but for opportunities and attention. By doing this, it has only harmed my internal self. Ironically, I wish to hide from the world these days. I am starting to value and admire modesty. I’ve started to feel that veiling (hejab or niqab) has a lot of meaning. Modesty is so beautiful, but sadly it’s becoming less and less prominent.

I wish my Mother had protected my innocence as a young girl. As soon as I learned that my looks enhanced the way others perceived me I began self-exploitation. It didn’t help that the mass media endorsed my self-exploitation, by making it seem acceptable for women to be sex-objects. I cannot imagine what it must be like to raise a young girl in Western society today. My Mother is a loving and great woman, but she was too permissive with me. She was too naive when raising her children in a different country than her own. Little did she know that her daughter would venture off to a secret lifestyle. I don’t blame my Mother, as she didn’t know any better. All she knew was that her extremely strict upbringing made her unhappy, so she decided to do the opposite. It’s so sad to see  that young minds are becoming sexualized. Even worse, Western culture has been diffused globally, so the trend of sexual exploitation is increasing. This reminds of me when I first encountered provocative Muslim women, who wear skin tight clothing, 5-inch sexy high heels, and of course a hejab! Western Cultural imperialism has succeeded indeed.

I continue to sell my body for multiple reasons. Yes, for money. But also out of comfort, habit, and enjoyment at times. I’m addicted to the money, my autonomy, the easiness of the actual work, and the admiration from the men. But there are hardships too, yet the hardships are not because of actually selling my body. The hardships are political (the stigma affects how we belong in society). Sometimes I desire to quit, sometimes I don’t.

For further readings on prostitution and it’s relation to sexual objectification of women, I found a great article here:

“Pleasure and sex which can be bought apart from woman’s soul: conditioning men into thinking of women as objects and pressurizing women to “conform” to sex-beauty protocols” -(Source below)


Filed under Relationships, Trying to leave prostitution, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself