Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry ?

In my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I have only seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave the sex industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, “She’ll be back, ” said by a Madame (brothel/escort business owner)  at an establishment I worked at overseas. This was after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to pursue her new “normal” job and boyfriend. She’ll be back……how discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was.

Paulina

Leaving the industry is NEVER without conflict. Paulina is the only former-escort I know who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasn’t easy at first. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. I was the odd girl who stayed away from the “casual sex, drugs, and party” scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with me.

Paulina was a beautiful South America girl who immigrated to the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which is when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved with an expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which seems to be the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her ‘experimenting’ phase was short-lived, and ended in less than a year.

One thing that Paulina and I did have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised in the West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (her cultural values conflicted with the individualistic, care-free values she was living as a prostitute). Selling sex is often not problematic, but rather the lifestyle commonly associated with high-class prostitutes is damaging (excessive partying, excess shallowness).  She had quit the industry, and completely got away from the drugs  and partying.  She called me out of the nowhere one day, and wanted to meet. At first I couldn’t understand why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from the industry. In her view, I was someone who would not tempt her back into her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort too. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay away from prostitution, even though I wasn’t ready to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and found it hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he had no idea about her past and she wanted to keep it that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I haven’t seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where I used to live. Currently, she is still out of the business, and getting married soon to the love of her life. She is my hope…because if she can continue to be away from the industry, then there is hope.

Unfortunately, it is so easy to fall back into prostitution…

The pattern I’ve observed has become common: women leave the industry to pursue love, and then they return when that love failed. Another woman I know did ‘quit’ the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the man she loved. Months ago I remember her telling me “If I wasn’t with my boyfriend, then I would still be selling my body.” This is classic of women trying to leave the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of it. Over the years, I met countless women who’ve returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Some of these girls say they “wasted” their youth in their failed relationships when they could have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves. And once these women return to sex work, their hearts are broken. Yes, I have seen many broken hearted women returning to selling their bodies, and sadly it seems like they’ve also lost their souls.

When falling in love with a potential partner, an escort has to ask herself: “Is he worth it?”  Is love, itself, enough to give up her autonomy and business? The men she rejects are the ones who cannot offer her financial freedom, even though they may be willing to love and treat her good. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on making money.

How often do escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in the picture? I have yet to come across a prostitute who leaves the industry for her own intuition. I have to ask myself this question: Do I want to leave because I want love? Perhaps, as we all desire love and acceptance. Sadly, acceptance is only granted when people conform to what’s ‘normal.’ And of course, being a sex worker is out-of-the-norm in modern societies, thus furthering us away from societies embrace. But again, it doesn’t have to be this way. There are people who fight these oppressive norms that marginalize sex workers — it’s not a bad thing to be different. But being outside the norms of society requires a LOT of strength. There is no social space allocated for prostitutes. As a result, we face tremendous pressure to follow the ‘normative’ ways of living life (such as marriage, owning a home, etc). Although I did quit for a short period when I was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I was finished with the industry. I still haven’t. It’s a question that I’ve been avoiding to answer: when will I quit?  Do I even want to quit? Why should I quit? I used to want to quit, and I told myself that I would quit selling my body after I am finished my graduate studies.  Regardless, I don’t feel that I’m ready to leave now. I like aspects of my job, but I just do not like the implications (the stigma, the degradation of the industry, the legalities, etc).

Fear of leaving sex-work is strange. It’s a conflict of emotions. I’m aware that the stigma is damaging me, but when times are good I tend to ignore the harm I’m doing. At times, sex work doesn’t feel like a problem for some escorts, and for others, it is deeply damaging psychologically. But overall, one cannot deny the problem of trying to live in a world where ones identity is constantly hidden and condemned. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this whole “survival of the fittest” competition” among society is a false notion, yet the idea is still very real in modern society. I’m aware that competition is only a socially constructed concept, but yet I feel deeply pressured to be part of this race in society. I fear that if I don’t sell myself, I will lose out in this competition. This is what needs to change, I need to let go of the pressures of mainstream society. Why do I want to be part of this shallow competition in the first place? This is what happens in a cold society (Western-Liberal societies) that puts emphasis on progress, individualism, competition, status, and monetary wealth. This is what drove me to the Social Sciences as a field of study:  society deeply impacts how people think and behave. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social pressures.

Once you’re in the sex industry, it is very hard to leave. A woman I know is trying her best to pursue a ‘normal’ job but admits she feels the pressure to return to escorting. It’s too easy (escorting), and the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted with the haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard work at a normal job. Did any of us imagine growing accustomed to our lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that we’d become a slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A good friend of mine is a former receptionist in the sex industry. She told me how she was tempted to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. So I ask myself time and time again…”Was it worth it?”

106 Comments

Filed under High-class prostitution, Relationships, The Escorting Business, Trying to leave prostitution

106 responses to “Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry ?

  1. Ivan

    I think im getting addicted to this blog :p

    I think the main issue with escorts is like you said, The emotional scars… Hypothetically speaking, lets say that i want to date lets say you and well we get along and you are smart, we have fun and we have things in common…. but! chances are that the reactions from someone who has been through your experiences and the way you interpret some of my behavior is not the usual way a woman who has not gone through this path is going to think and act.
    I dated a stripper, (smart lady) but she looked at me as a provider (money) and for some reason i felt like she was depending how i made her feel, i mean as a man YOU HAVE TO protect in every form and way a female but probably you shouldn’t depend on them.

    I have no idea how you are going to react but…
    If you quit try to spend some time alone without a boyfriend, that could help… And this is my heart speaking, honestly i like your chances you don’t seem like you belong to this type of life, Stay close to Paulina when you decide to quit, she could share with you the right path to stay away from escorting again.

    Good Luck

    P.S.: Uhmm could you pick a nickname so i can refer to you in that way? that would be nice.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you kindly again for the comments and sharing your experience. I’m glad you’re aware of some problems escorts/industry-women face, as it can be quite difficult for partners to understand us.

      My nickname is Sahar. 🙂

      • Ivan

        Sahar ok 🙂

        And btw Guys like me need patience too with you guys… but this implies that we need to know your past so… its possible that men are going to react differently in that situation. Take care Sahar

      • Hannah

        I truly want to thank you sahar for this post in particular… I’ve been escorting on and off since I was 19; I am now 23. Of course life can be expensive and oftentimes excessively so… part of me does regret entering into this line of work at a fairly young age; yes, the money is excellent BUT it is not a “realistic” career path. Total lack of retirement, 401k,job security etc.. I agree societies disapproval concerning sex work is real yet there is validity in the fact that sex work is extremely risky. Oftentimes we can easily become targets. As a young college student I am still coming to grips with this decision; if it had not been for the financial support of my parents and a good dash of sheer luck I do not think I would have left the industry. I think the key to solving the stigmatization and marginalization that sex workers face is in LEGALIZATION! I do carry a fair bit of trauma because of sex work feelings of inadequacy, self-worth but my experience is also my own. I’m sure there are very happy escorts but having known quite a few (all of them “high-end”) the emotional damage is sorta real… This facet of ones life (your source of income) essentially become a source of shame. Thank you; this blog is beautifully written and thought out!!!!

  2. Mark

    Sahar,

    I hope you can give me some insight. I have been in the hobby for about 3 years but recently (4 months ago) met a woman in the business that I have fallen in love with. She has been in the business for about 5 years (started at 19), well reviewed and a wonderful person. She is very intelligent but has some legal issues as well as medical issues (depression and anxiety). She says she wants to leave to start a normal life and recently professed her love for me. At one point she announced she was retiring on her website but that has been removed, i believe she is afraid to open herself up to love and the risk it wont work out. How can i help someone get over this fear? I accept that she is still working, I accept her past and I accept she will be in transition but will she really leave after 5 years? Or is she destined to remain in the business, as she is addicted to the money, should I accept it as work or should I just walk away, but I would find that hard to do.

    What are your thoughts?

    Mark

    • escortdiary

      Hi Mark,

      That’s a really great question. Sorry, but I do not have a definite answer for you. I am have been in the exact same scenario as this woman you love. I truly believed I could leave. I also suffered from depression and anxiety. Can she leave? That’s a tough one. She may have also become addicted to the approval of men apart from the money. You must remember that something (or some event) happened to her that brought her to sell herself …there are reasons for everything. Perhaps try to ask her why she started to sell herself in the first place? Ideally, you could try to accept her work, but I don’t think it will be an easy task. Also, she may resent you later for allowing her to see other men. She will also resent you if you do not help her out financially, because she will feel she’s wasting her time being in a relationship with you. I am sorry that you are in this situation, because there is no correct path to take. Lately, I have just tried to live in the moment,…and not think about the future. Perhaps you can try the same thing with her — just live in the moment.

      Please keep me updated if you like, or feel free to ask any questions

      Sahar

      • dave

        Wow my girlfriend is a escort, she left 5 times in last 6 years, we live a depressed, then happy, then depressed emotional state with up’s and down’s just a roller coaster ride.We have both contimplated suicide over the years.

  3. sammy

    i really like this blog, i am too and escort but i have boyfriend, but i would like to stop & stay with him but i feel so pressured to buy things that are expensive and luxurious

  4. agirl

    So Mark supposedly loves that escort and he writes she’s “well reviewed”?!? Lol. I have a different opinion, although I respect everyones views. I’ve been an escort for nearly two years. I am not interested in marriage or children since I do not find men trustworthy. I’ve always felt this way even long before escorting. I enjoy male friends, I enjoy sex for fun with very hot guys, I love partying. I’m completely drug free and I don’t feel I’m “selling myself”, but rather providing a needed service for relaxation and enjoyment, such as a really good massage. I don’t think its wrong to want prosperity, or to want to be single. I’m a feminist so societies guilt trip doesn’t phase me much at all. Escorting isn’t for everyone, but I feel I’m happy with the choice for me. Its unfair to generalize everyone in the industry as drug addicted emotional messes. If a man escorts we don’t say that about him do we? I think people should do what makes them happy. For some of us escorting makes us happy.

  5. weaste

    i totally agree; it is so difficult to leave the industry all together- when u leave the industry for good u must make the decision to also earn your own income another way – getting with a rich man is not the answer.

  6. a jones

    Hi I am a former escort and I was looking for others like myself. I officially quit 2 1/2 yrs ago to finish school seriously. I continue to see 1 person about 3 times a year in order to afford school and I needed to get out of extensive debt I had been in. During this time of sort of quitting, I have had a hard time cutting back on excessive spending. I have cut back a lot but still need to some more. I am trying to quit seeing this last guy. I hate him but he helps financially. The last 3 times I saw him I swore would be my last and the very last was for the purpose of getting extra money to afford counseling. I feel for you all, it’s a tough road. I do want to be able to love, I think that is why we are born, but I have to get my head straight and love myself before I can find that. No guy will ever love me enough for both of us. I never realized how unhappy I was until I stopped. I never dealt with any of my emotions while in the depths of it, that didn’t start until after. I feel like I took part in my own rape and images flash across my mind sometimes. I want to end on a positive note so I did finish my BA and work full time and am going for my master’s in the evenings. I am slowly adjusting to being around ‘normal’ people, although I feel lonely today. I thought about calling an escort myself for someone to relate to- kinda sad. I feel hopeful that I will get out of this 100% with no fall back crutch. I just have to learn to love myself and my body more than any amount of money.

    • escortdiary

      Thanks for commenting. Good for you for having a backup plan and getting an education. I understand how difficult it is to leave your regular client. It’s part of the lifestyle, because we know men are willing to give us money for what ‘seems’ to be easy, fast work. We often overlook the social implications of such a seemingly ‘effortless’ task. I’m sorry you are depressed, and I understand how difficult it is to adjust to ‘normal’ society when you’ve spent years in a totally different realm of lifestyle. What is tragic about prostitution in a Modern context is that there is no destiny for us (in fact, there is no wholesome plan/support network for most ‘undesirable’ groups). I wish I could give some worthy advice, but sadly wholesome options for us are not available in mainstream society. We either conform to ‘normal’ ways, which means we hide our true emotions and experiences. Or we continue to sell ourselves and face social isolation from stigma. Even certain forms of higher education cannot compensate for the emotional factors that afflicted us from this work. However, the social and cultural disciplines are very helpful for individuals who seek to understand marginalized peoples. This might help you find acceptance and understandings of your worries. Good luck.

      • Lulu

        Im still struggling to live and conform normally in society 16 years later. Coworkers can be very cruel. I have a few close . friend’s but making new ones is a struggle
        I feel like my choice haunts me to.this day.

        I would love to chat with you

  7. m

    I am considering escorting. You are an extremely smart woman from everything I have read on your blog. Blessings to you.

  8. Joey Bruggato

    Ya know…..and I am trying to say this with compassion but I believe no one has put a gun to 99.9% of the escorts out there. Women who choose this work really shouldn’t expect compassion or pity from people because work is part of life and if you who choose this path using your looks and have other choices…end up depressed or hating, you all need to look on yourselves and NOT blame us untrustworthy men” That is such a worn out cliche. Men and women lie and decieve and not all do of either sex. I imagine though this being someone like a police officer who sees crime every day because of the nature of the job and thinks everyone is a crook or bum.. You really do have other choices in life. I like ‘Mark’ above met a woman and she could have sailed out of the business on a red carpet from a guy who adored her and could help he be whatever she wanted. THAT WAS NOT what she wanted. her CORE self when you dug underneath all the BS was to do whatever she wanted however she wanted and damn the negative consequences, which of course she was to never suffer from but others were. Having been cheated and emotionally abused in her life she felt it RIGHTEOUSNESS to do it to innicent others who had nothing to do with her unfortunate upbringing. She got herself arrested for prostitution doing something I advised her AGAINST, then blamed me for not “being there for her”. It astounds me the sheer BALLS and lengths some women will go to to remain in DEEP DEEP denial about who they are as human beings going way beyond her as an escort. Promosing me to me my secrets were safe with her and on and on it went only to have her betray me in order to keep her insane screwed world in tact. I lost sympathy for her since she didn’t care about my life. So, I say to women…man up…either admit you love the money..stop using or bashing men as an excuse and look into your own hearts if you have one left (mine didn’t) and get on with it.

    Joey

    • Play Boy

      I do agree with what you said, Joey. Nowadays many women are highly educated and as such they stand a much better chance to get a highly paid jobs comparing to decades ago. I don’t see a good reason for them to be prostitutes other than they want to take the easy way out to make lots of money within a short period of time.

      • escortdiary

        @Play Boy
        If a woman wants to sell herself why should she be condemned? It seems you have a narrow-minded mentality of a person who does not question the influences of media / gender roles. You’re statement completely ignores the fact that a lot of people (men and women) are living in relative poverty, which influences them to find other means of survival. A lot of prostitutes come from low socio-economic backgrounds, so I would hardly say it was their ‘choice.’

        There are also prostitutes who were not originally poor, yet they are lured to sell themselves for various reasons. A minority of working girls might like sex. Or others want fast money. Yet how can we blame these women given the social pressures of today’s modern society? Young minds are constantly bombarded by media and advertising, which makes them believe their self-worth is based on money and sex appeal. They feel money equates to social acceptance. Blaming the individual ignores the social settings which created the conditions for prostitution to exist.

    • escortdiary

      @ Joey
      You are basically saying that stigma against prostitutes is okay, because it’s their fault they are selling themselves. Did you ever question the implications of people who are ridiculed and condemned by society? Your rant is very typical of someone who does not even question power of authority (government power) or social construction of identities, etc.
      Also, this blog is not ‘bashing men.’ If you had read my blog, you would be aware that I am talking about prostitution from various angles. It is also not so easy to say that ‘prostitutes love money,’ because this is ignoring a lot of individual circumstances which lead to this stereotype. It is both men and women who are oppressed by societal structures and institutions in a Modern capitalist societies.

    • There are lots of people out there with different issues and they rarely blame themselves for their own issues. To single out escorts is a bit unfair. Plenty are Gamblers, Drug addicts, sex addicts and many other kinds of addicts. All have support groups to help them quit. How about escorts? You may think it’s not an addiction, but in many ways it’s exactly like an addiction.
      I dated a stripper who had told me she so desperately wanted to get out of this “degrading business” as she called it. I fell in love with her, so I got her an apartment, paid off her car and student loans and even hired her to help me with my business, paying her a very decent $xx,xxx.xx a year (a very good salary in the South, where costs are low) … Basically gave her a very “Normal” life.
      Problem is, whenever she wanted something expensive or if we would get into an argument, she would go back to the business. At first I thought maybe she was just not feeling secure in our relationship, so I proposed, but she turned me down, saying it wasn’t fair to me to marry a stripper. She felt she wasn’t “Good enough” for me. Other times she’d tell me that I worked too much (I work an average of 50 to 60 hours a week but take most weekends off). The only time she seemed to be truly happy was when we were on Vacation and we would take about 6-one week vacations a year.
      Our relationship ended after 3 years when she told me she wanted to do just “One More Job” because she wanted to buy a new 84″ TV.
      I told her, if a TV was worth more to her than me to go and never come back.
      If she would have asked me for the stupid TV, I would have bought it for her, but In retrospect I think acquiring things was an addiction to her, but knowing that everything she had was because of me wasn’t “acceptable” to her. She needed her independence. The biggest addiction however that I think she needed to overcome was the constant adoration, the almost worship of her body she would get at the club. In high school she was “fat and ugly” as she put it, so now that she had men adoring her, she couldn’t give up on that addiction more than anything.

  9. lailee

    My short time in this line of work has been extremely lonely and extremely depressing. I come from a conservative town with conservative values. Those values are embedded within me. Regardless, when you miss certain opportunities in life, this industry is sometimes the only way to regain your financial freedom which is so essential to survival

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing that. Yes, it is very much indeed lonely at times, which is very ironic when considering so many men are chasing us. For me, escorting proved that money cannot buy happiness (at least not in the long term). However, there are ways to make the profession more positive, without compromising our soul.

  10. SD

    Hi Sahar,

    Thanks for sharing ur experience & views. It helped me understand someone better whom I met & who works as an escort. I know u r not a relationship expert but I would still value ur opinion! Briefly, I was married for 6 yrs, initially everything was fine than in last couple of yrs I started feeling there was no love in our marriage. I tried to push myself to save it but to no avail. As a result I started looking for intimacy outside & I met ‘L’.. After seeing her couple of occasions, I confessed that I love her & value her more than anything in my life. She didn’t promised me or said she loves me but was willing to try for a relationship. I parted with my wife told her the truth & moved in for few days with her.. After that found my own place. Few weeks later when she found out that I am not rich her behaviour changed towards me. Now when u have mentioned in ur blog I can relate to it why? Finally after one month of our relationship she said she dont want to see me anymore. It’s been six months since than & I think about her every day. In between she stopped escorting may be moved back to her ex for couple of months after our relationship ended. I m guessing because she did told me that he wanted her back and she thought he would be a better choice as he has his own house and I didn’t..2 months ago she came back to escorting again which I know from the website she works for. As a person who genuinely cares about her I was happy thinking she gave up this job & might have a better future with whoever she chooses but after I knew she came back to escorting again, it makes me feel sad & helpless. I am 31 & have my whole life ahead if me. I understand the fact that she can’t be with someone who can’t provide her the financial independence that she needs to give up this job! But how do I console myself as I have feelings for someone who doesn’t seem to acknowledge anything apart from money. I tried hard but I can’t forget her.

  11. Joey Bruggato

    escort diary these things are hard to condense into a post. since you weren’t there and did not see everything I did for this woman, let me try and be clear…I did NOT judge her, I accepted everything about her UNTIL and listen close SHE TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE. And threatened me physically. I can’t go into too much detail…some people will make excuses or rationalizations for ANY type of behavior. I am not sure what you are talking about regarding “societal structures” It isn’t that complicated. She likes the fast money and the independence of doing whatever she wants WITHOUT consequences. She said some really bad things to make herself…you know when a woman accuses a guy of rape but he didn’t do it? That’s not what she did to me but she did something else along those lines. She is a hateful extreme narcissist …there is NO excusing her behavior. NONE. I adored here and literally kissed her feet upon meeting and leaving. I introduced her to my family. Some people are just BAD. In fact, I would call her an emotional terrorist. As a Christian, it was really hard to accept but she is one of them.

    • escortdiary

      Well, that is your own personal experience. It does not mean all escorts are the same if that’s what you are trying to imply. There are good and bad people in every aspect of life. Yet one must analyze how such people behave in certain ways.

  12. lonely guy

    very good blog..
    i too was in love with a escort.we wer together for some time.i knew what i was getting into,then one day BAM!!i fell in love,
    she even liked being around me,then all of a sudden she said she loves me
    and dont hurt her,that i cant hurt her cause she loves me..
    so i help her buy her food clothes bills rent etc…
    then even pay to help her sick DOG!!i drove 4 hours with her to meet her family and pick up her DYING dog..i dont even like dogs.
    i took out a emergency bank draft to help her with her money problems.
    i couldnt have her with any man except me..i dont like to share,so it lasted a couple of months,till one day she needed more cash,i said frig that ,i can only do so much.she went on gov welfare but that wasnt enough,she even tried to sell some of her stuff to pay for her bills,all this time her POOR DYING DOG..she didnt even have money for food but her dog was eating?
    until i said no more pick being a ESCORT or being with me?
    then after i left about 1 WEEK later i see that she posted her AD online and went back to her old ways..1 WEEK wow..i guess she loves her dog more than she did me.i even tried to text etc.. she gave some bull about how i didnt help her and gave her no choice,what else was she to do?
    and that her PRESCIOUS dog is alive!!! WTF..
    so in the end i ended up in a argument with her,said some bad things.
    calling her a slut ,hore,etc..and thats how it ended.
    even after all this i still want her..now knowing all this and her with other men now I’m DYING inside .what is wrong with me?she said she love me and want us to be together?
    am i such a FOOL?
    the lonley guy..
    ..

  13. Athena

    Sahar,
    I really like your blog. very eloquently written and well expressed.
    I am a high end escort myself, I have my undergraduate in social sciences as well, but what makes me a little different is that I’m a lesbian.

    I knew I was a lesbian well before I even thought about escorting. I did not “become one” because of the industry as many people suggest.

    In the lesbian community, as you could imagine, the social stigma is even worse. When the word gets out in our small community that you’re a sex worker and sleep with men, you’re shunned. Which is pretty much what happened to me.

    I’ve been battling depression and anxiety, and I’m trying to quit.

    I have tried to quit a number of times over the past 2 years. (For a girl) but this time I want to do it for me. I am up all night sometimes worrying about the dangers of this job, and how it is not worth it emotionally/mentally.

    I believe there is hope.

    • escortdiary

      Hi Athena,

      Thank you for sharing that. I hope you can quit if this work isn’t for you. But you need to ask yourself what’s so bad about doing this job? Is it the sex? Or is it the stigma and social rejection? If you don’t mind the sex and the clients, you can do this job without feeling shame. You just have to change the type of people who are in your life. Find people who accept you, not judge.

      It is indeed so ironic that certain queer communities would shun other sexual minorities (sex workers). Many current gay and lesbian movements/groups are very problematic. Instead of fighting oppression of sexuality (which they fought for in the late 1960’s) they have instead assimilated with the state agendas (so therefore, like most others, they follow the stigma against sex workers). Many queer theory academics write extensively on this problem, which they call ‘homonormativity,’ ‘homoliberalism’ or ‘homonationalism.’ Google these terms, you might find them very interesting.

      Not all queer communities will shun you, so hopefully you can find people with more critical views on sexuality (thus, being accepting of you).

      Take care,

      S

  14. sam

    I discovered my 26 year old daughter has been escorting for approx 4 years. I have to admit that the sharp pain that stabbed through my heart was swiftly followed by the rationale that i would be able to help her stop, by providing income – a small business set up, and making sure that she understood even although there had been childhood emotional abuse by a stepfather, that she was loved and we as a family would get through this.
    Things seemed to ok for awhile however the low self esteem and depression were like waves. She met a man and everything seemed to going well, they traveled, he knew her past. He loved her . He then found out , after 9 months of living together, that she was still advertising herself, and on chat lines, but not actually seeing her clients. It is as if she was keeping her options open. One foot in the door so to say. With persuasion they both closed down all her websites and traveled abroad to start a new life. After her 3 month visa to stay abroad had expired and she had to return home to renew her visa, I have noticed the depression returning and “i am unworthy” setting back in . I am at a loss. I fear she is going to go back to escorting. If the truth be told, if this line of work gave her joy then I would somehow find a way to accept it. However I can see anything positive about this line of work in life. Yes she has no money stress and receives lots of male attention if she escorts but the negative impact to her soul, far out ways the financial value.
    I started doing some web research to look for answers as WHY? It then I came across this blog. I don’t know if there in any relief or even greater sadness, in knowing that it is not only my daughter who has become trapped in this self destructive cycle of misconstruction of sexuality versus income. I do not believe the work depression that most of you girls are discussing is because society deems your job as disrespectful. I think the depression is related to addiction. All the habits and excuses to return to this line of work are same patterns as the drug addict returning to abusing. As a mother this breaks my heart. As a grown up, I realize that as with all addictions the only way to break the habit is to seek therapy, be surround by those who fully understand and support you emotionally and most important of all, is to have the true pure desire to change. Your comments, thoughts and ideas are all helpfull

    • Aphrodite

      Hi Sam, as a former (?) prostitute, who has only been in the ‘business’ for one year, and who could finally make the (definite?) decision to quit,
      Although I partly agree with you about addiction, I do not agree with you concerning the sort of addiction. It’s not always because of drug addiction. I went into prostitution, because, just as the author of this blog, I was addicted to earning money. That’s the only way I valued myself, by the amount of money I could earn.
      I did experience one unfortunate encounter with a man, but that does not make the whole of prostitution abusive. Yes, we have more chance to be abused by men, simply because we see more men.
      Don’t understand me wrong. I’m not trying to advocate pro-prostitution.
      I hope your daughter will make the wise decision to step out of it. I realized it was a good decision, for me also.
      I stepped out, because I finally realized the disadvantages largely overweigh the advantages. Also, because it hurted my parents so bad.
      They never made any conclusion about prostitution being bad or good (that just wouldn’t/and still doesn’t work for me), but they expressed their genuine concerns about me, about my physical and emotional health. And this worked, after a while.
      I hope you once will have a balanced chat about this,and that you will convince your daughter to leave prostitution.
      And you must also realize, that (the decision) for going into prositution, is not only limited to addiction, but to other internal, and external factors.
      play an important part.
      Another thing you must understand, is that one can leave prositution, but that prostitution will never leave you. I set up a small lucrative business, I gathered my own circle of clients (except that abusive man), I did things most people don’t approve. And this is a burden one has to carry, from the moment she/he goes into prostitution. We don’t expect people to understand us, and that’s why it stays, lingering, but will never go away, because most people (including me) don’t know how to place it, and after that, to move on. We simply don’t give it a ‘sane’ place.

      Maybe you’ll think I shouldn’t have reacted on your comment, because I’m not the author of this blog. But I really had to say something
      But still, I had to react. sorry 😦

    • escortdiary

      Hello Sam,

      Thank you for sharing. I understand your worries, as this industry is something most people cannot see in a positive light. There are just too many negative implications, which isn’t because of sex, but due to political, economic and social factors (related to capitalism, gender inequality, unjust laws, etc).

      This job does not have to be a bad, but rather it can be conducted in a more positive manner depending on how well a sex worker handles the emotional aspects and can face societal pressures. Selling sex doesn’t have to mean selling one’s soul, unless one internalizes this idea that selling their body makes them worthless. Sadly, most of society (and sex workers themselves) internalize this idea that selling sex is solely bad. I’m not trying to advocate sex work, but I do embrace different expression of sexualities, such as sex work. What I am against is the social, political and economic factors that have degraded sex work, thus making sex work become associated with negativity.

      I no longer think sex work is an addiction solely. Yes, in older posts I used to see myself addicted to this work. But I realized I internalized this idea that sex work can only be terrible. My thoughts regarding this has changed immensely. There are many aspects of this work that are desirable, but I face challenges because the way I am viewed in society — this is the problem. I disagree with your saying that selling one’s body is like abusing drugs. What if you daughter enjoyed her clients? I am not sure if she does or not. The problem in your daughters case is that she wants to sell her body to live a comfortable life, perhaps, yet she also wants ‘normative’ things, such as having a boyfriend. Unfortunately, most of society condemns her because of her work (which she is aware of), so she feels depressed as a result. The problem is not addiction, it’s the society. We face tremendous pressure to conform to what most people do (norms), so this causes us to be feel stressed.

      I wish you, yourself, could understand your own internalization of thinking sex work is solely negative. It’s very hard to accept something that is so taboo in our society, but if you knew the history of sexuality then your thoughts might change. If you daughter likes her work, then let her choose her own destiny. Hopefully one day she can choose what she truly enjoys.

      Best of luck and keep us updated

  15. simi69

    Dear Sam
    You have brought out the sadness associated with this job. I pray your daughter does not get into this profession again
    best wishes
    your friend

  16. Alice

    I’ve been selling myself in one form or another since I was fourteen. Sleeping with people for drugs or booze. Sleeping with friends for car rides, favors or money, stripping, standing on street corners. I’ve always stopped and then started again. Always needing to provide for some need. Recently ( two years ago ) I had to completely rely on myself. I was staying with my parents after a break up. I went on Craig’s list. Met a lot of nasty men. The money was far from easy. I had to see men who made me sick. The thought of seeing them have me such anxiety. I was doing this at first to just save up for first and last months rent. I quickly realized I needed more. I work a day job full time for just over minimum wage. My rent is the cheapest in the city and it takes over 60% of my pay check. I still need bus fare, food etc etc etc. Eventually I was able to find a place to upgrade myself. I’m able to see nicer men, make more money, save for my future. I’m getting hope, independence and security that I never thought I’d be able to have. It’s very comforting and at the same time not. I get anxiety everytime I have to see a client. All the past experiences give me “stage fright”. Once I’m in the situation I do actually like it. It’s nice to be wanted, to feel special and wanted. I’ve tried dating since the “good” job. I feel resentment I wasted my time, felt used they got it for free. I love sex, but hate it if I’m not getting paid for it. So worthless. I’m now kinda in a relationship with a previous client. It’s not love but he’s amazing. I’m getting older, not old and can’t do this forever. I’m trying to build a nest egg for the future/retirement of all all things. I don’t know I’ll ever have a husband/care taker. I have a short amount of time to make a lot of money. If things end in six months, a year or two. What do I do then? Will he have been paying me for not escorting? If he does, what does that make him. If he doesn’t I’ll be resentful. I see all men as “johns”. Maybe this is my last chance to find someone who would tolerate what I’ve done? I like being single and able to do what I want and when I want. No one wants to be alone forever though. I’m just blabbing on and getting some thoughts and feelings out. Blahhhh

  17. Maria

    I agree with a lot of what you have said. I have quit for a man also, one whom I love dearly and haven’t felt this ever before. It was a very very tough road for the both of us. Now I am struggling so much to find a ‘normal’ job. I am also getting very tired, depressed and physically ill. I don’t even know where to start. I am in another country and don’t qualify for unemployment etc. I would love a job, preferably a part-time job so bad. Most of my resume is a lie (I have used my partners friends to lie for me). I had an interview recently and I get the impression they know I am lying or no very confident. It feels impossible. I am well presented, friendly, reasonably smart etc. :O!! So frustrating. I see why many women fall back into it. I have enjoyed my time off though, learning to cook and bake (things I had not done the entire time I worked), gardening etc. Where to now? I can’t just write on my resume that I am a former sex worker…

    • R.S.

      You sound like a wonderful person and I’m sure you’ll find your way. My fiancé had the same problem because she spent most of her adult life as an escort. She was going stir crazy and started volunteering because she likes helping others which eventually led to a good job. Best of luck to you and your man.

      • escortdiary

        Thank you so kindly

      • Maria

        R.S. Thank you for your response and sharing your experience. Glad I am not the only one in this situation. Yes I am going stir crazy! I feel like my whole life has changed, socially, friends, not being able to spend hours a week in the day spa, shopping trips to singapore and Hong Kong etc! I just recently got in contact with a sex worker support service here and a couple of educators came to visit me and gave me a lot more advice on my resume. I am going to change my ‘fake job’ to one I have actually done, just increase the length of time (say 2 years) and list it as in my home country so they won’t be able to check up….Something I will be confident speaking about in an interview (even if it is sort of a lie). They also suggested volunteering is a good option because it can lead to paid work or at least make me more confident and gain new skills to get me into a routine so it becomes easier to find a job.

        Sometimes in my down moments I really do miss all those elaborate things and the excitement and my independence. But I cannot imagine my life WITHOUT my man. I am trying to think positively that somehow in the future I will have a career I really enjoy like working for a global pharmaceutical company, and we will be more financially stable and can enjoy those Singapore trips lol.

    • escortdiary

      @Maria

      I know the feeling. It’s not easy to transform back to the ‘normal’ world, especially when we are used to being independent. I personally have given up the idea of transitioning into a ‘normal’ lifestyle. I will be ‘normal’ in public and for the sake of my family, but in my personal life I want to retain my alternative lifestyle.

      Good luck with everything, and keep us updated

      Sahar

    • Robert

      Response to Maria:

      My escort gf is going through the same thing as we speak although she is not going through because of me, its because that’s what she decided she wants. We are open about her career and now she wants to do something different. I’d still love if she continued working. She is struggling with the same issues. Rely on the people skills you developed in your work, for the most part they will rival anyone in the ‘normal’ world (very much dislike that distiction) and don’t assume the interviewers see anything but the friendly, personable person in front of them and you’ll be fine. The key to your confidence will be believing this is what you truly want.

      Hope this helps, all the best!

      R

  18. I really enjoyed this post. I think its same as quitting any habit which you had for a long time- be it a job or anything else. Especially a habit that brings in so much money into your pocket.

    • escortdiary

      Thanks for commenting. I wrote this post a long time ago, with a different outlook than today. I do not believe there is any ‘textbook’ solution to just giving up escorting. A person cannot just erase their life experiences.

  19. R.S.

    I wonder how many young women’s lives all the “happy hooker” blogs online destroy. The stories I’ve heard about in real life aren’t so glamorous. I’m happy to say that my fiancé was able to get out. She hated it but continued to work for many years because she felt she was stuck and by the end of it she was just completely sick and wanted to die – something the high end escort/bloggers with university degrees don’t understand because they haven’t experience the dark side of the industry.

    • Aphrodite

      Hi there, I’ve been following this blog quite some time, but I never had the impression the author is a ‘happy hooker’.
      From the moment you become a prostitute, you start to carry a burden.
      And most women, how well paid, how beautiful and even if they have had nice clients.. are not the most happy people.
      The author has suffered depression and fear, even though she’s on the top of the ‘Industry’. A prostitute has always been extremely vulnerable to abuse, even if it was her own choice. And I don’t even mention rejection.

    • escortdiary

      @ R.S.

      Oh believe me, even the most prestigious escorts (and ones with university degrees) will see the dark side. We are selling a ‘fantasy’ …the reality is another story (as you have seen).

  20. Robert

    Hi, all your blogs and the community’s comments have been so helpful. as the partner of as escort (not in the industry myself) I find myself both cheered and saddened by what I read, but all beneficial. Specifically here, what advice can you give to the partner of an escort who is trying to retire? What shuold I do to provide support and encouragement? She is not quitting for me,.she wants no money from me, and it is truly her choice (our relsationship is not condintional on her choice of profession). She is dentermined to do this on her own!, But the money issue is her major concern.I want to help but don’t want to impinge on that determination. I’d be lying if I said I’m not pleased about the route she’s taking so I want to so what I can so any advice would be most appreciated!

    Thanks!

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing. I cannot really relate, as I have only been with men who support me in all aspects (emotionally, financially).
      If she truly wants to retire, and you truly love her, then help her. This means offering your financial help, not just emotional. She needs a sense of security, and this is what you can do, as her lover.

      Hope that helps

      • Robert

        It does, thanks so much!

      • Jay

        You depend on men to support you financially and emotionally, yet I swear I read somewhere in one of your comments that escorting allows you to be independent. Anyways.

        I’m a man and I’m just figuring out that things like more money, or a shiny new car, or a girlfriend to support me emotionally, etc never actually brought me true happiness, because this sickness inside cant be cured with any of this external stuff as it just only brings a temporary satisfaction. I’ve lived in misery among the underbelly of society for my whole life and I’m still relatively young and I want to salvage the rest of my life. I only depend on a higher power to guide me now and I’ve personally seen people who have been through hell in their life to go on a spiritual path and actually find a new happiness and freedom.

      • escortdiary

        @ Jay

        So a woman/girlfriend is the same as a car or money to you? Wow. I’m guessing you’ve only had experiences with women on a very SHALLOW and superficial level only, since your mentality seems quite ignorant. Thus, it’s likely that you never made a wholesome connection with a woman — especially since you place women in the same categorization as “money” and a “car.” It’s very tragic that you generalize all women/escorts due to your own coincidences of disappointment. There are also ignorant escorts who judge ALL men as terrible because they had a few bad experiences with clients — this mentality is completely invalid. It’s likely your own mentality is preventing you from connecting with good, wholesome people — they do exist. The beauty is life is very simplistic, it doesn’t require a “shiny new car” or “more money.” There are many people (regardless of sex) who are beyond the “external stuff” and are capable of holding deeper relationships. I sincerely hope you open your eyes from such a narrow view.

        About your comment on my life and work: you have really missed the essence of my writings and cannot comprehend what I express. Yes, clients are my source of income. I make my money, and afterwards my attachment to a client is optional. I do get close with some clients, yet I retain independence at the end of the day. It was only my lovers who provided with my emotional and financial support simultaneously — I never predetermined these things, it just happens. Yet even then, I still retained my autonomy in many ways. And if you had read my writings properly, I note that this strange scenario is not easy to endure…of course there are conflicts. Life cannot always be sunshine; there will always be changes and ups/downs.

  21. Peter

    I am in a relationship with my girlfriend now for over 2 years. She is almost 30 years old and since she was 18 she is earning her money as a well known pornstar. But in the last year her porn jobs were not that much anymore, because she often gets a “no” because of her age. But she needs money, and because I am with my financial situation not able to fully fulfill all her needs, so she decided to start working as an escort girl. We had our conflicts about this, but I love her soooo much, that I did not want to end our relationship. In the beginning she did not have so many escort jobs, but now the jobs are getting more and more, and I am afraid she gets kind of addicted to it, and it will never be possible for her to quit escorting, because she really likes the money. Another aspect that bothers me, is that almost all her clients are willing to have more escort dates with her, and all those guys have lots and I mean really lots of more money than me, so they spoil her with so many presents, and this makes me feel very jealous. But I love her so much and I know that we are happy together and that we can be happy together for the rest of our lives, but it is just this f…ing escort thing. Help me please…. Do you think she can ever stop escorting, and being happy to have sex and “little” money from only me? And how do you see our future?

    • Jay

      Wrong place for advice. I don’t even know how anyone can seriously be with someone who’s escorting.

      • escortdiary

        @ Jay

        From your comment, it’s obvious then that you feel escorts are not WORTHY of love and relationships just like other human beings. Clearly you’re too ignorant to realize that two people can fall in love regardless of whatever their social background is.

    • escortdiary

      @ Peter

      You have a hard situation. She needs a sense of security (from her work), but she also needs love. I really don’t know what to advise. All of my serious relationships were with men who supported me in all aspects (financially, emotionally) — and honestly, I wouldn’t settle for less than what they did for me. I never asked or expected my lovers to support me, but they do so out of love (it was an honor for them, not a burden). Therefore, if I met a man who cannot support me, I will feel his love is not that strong compared to what I’ve experienced from other men — I will feel he is not ready to settle down, support a family, etc. My expectations are the outcome of my experiences. Having said that, I would not go with a man ONLY for his money — my love is not for sale. I settled with my ex and the Sheik because I truly loved them.

      I’m not sure if your girlfriend has the same mentality as me — her expectations could be different. I don’t know if she feels its important to have a partner who supports her financially or not. But, if you cannot support her financially, then how can she stop escorting? Does she even want to stop escorting? Yes, clients might spoil her, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she loves them. Many married or attached escorts see clients but still love only their partner. I still saw clients while I was in love, and I was also exposed to generous, wealthier clients — but it never changed my love for my partner. But again, unlike your situation, my lovers supported me financially also….

      I hope the best for both of you. Keep us updated

      Sahar

  22. JZ

    Hello Sahar,
    I stumbled upon your blog after searching for some more knowledge about the psychological and emotional aspects to escorting. My story is that I met a woman about 6 months ago through a mutual friend (who was her roomate at the time.) We quickly hit if off but I had no idea she was an escort. I think this is where my story differs as most the men on here are obviously in relationships with women that they met as escorts. Anyways after about 5 months her roomate decided to tell me about her “job” and it crushed me. My girlfriend came from an abusive childhood and a low-income upbringing (which you noted as normal for girls going into escorting) and fell into escorting when she was 18. She then went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, each time ending and her going back to escorting even after long breaks that lasted 5 years. She is naturally very nurturing and caring and never really did if for the “lifestyle” as she lived modestly and helped her family with her money at times.
    After I found out and I got past the initial shock I decided that my feelings for her were very real and not something I could walk away from. I told her it would be harder to leave her then to stay with her. The problem now is her getting back to “normalcy” which she has done before in her past relationships. I make a decent living but nothing compared to what she made in the past. I keep learning more and more about her “colorful” past and it seems to hurt me everytime. I’m trying very hard to move past it but I am a very “normal” guy who has “normal” valuees about sexuality and honesty. I understand why she didn’t tell me in the beginning, because quite honestly it probably wouldn’t have gone any further than a short term sexual relationship. But now that feelings are involved and trust must be reearned, it is very hard. I don’t think she is doing anything behind my back and I feel the love is real. But I am worried that she may never find true peace of mind, and neither will I. I cannot picture my life without her, but I cannot imagine feeling the way I do for the next 40 years either. I guess I’m looking to see if anyone has had similar experiences with lying to the man they love in order to “make it work.” And what they did when they found out. Thanks again for your wonderful blog, it has shed some light on the darkness I’ve been feeling.

    • LA

      You and I have the exact same story…since I found out (I posted my experience below) I’ve been trying to deal with this mentally and emotionally. Hang in there…..I’m still sorting a lot out myself….

      • JZ

        LA,
        Thanks for reading my story. I feel like this site is kind of a place where I can meet other men that are in my same situation and it’s nice to know you’re not alone. I wanted to reply to you with an update on my original post from nearly 3 months ago. Since this has happened my relationship with my girlfriend (ex escort) has truly flourished. We moved in together in December so that way we could be together and not have the distance of living apart. Like your girl, she is very into being around me and having me there. I think its the security of having someone that loves them around. I think it’s also important to be close during this period so that way your mind doesn’t wander and you get stuck in the “ideas” that pop into your head about what they did/or are doing possibly. I must admit that even after 4 months since finding out, I still am bothered by the thoughts and images I create in my mind.
        The hardest thing for me is that I truly like to “understand” what this lifestyle is so I can better justify it in my head. This has led to some healing for me but has also created some disturbing thoughts at the same time. One thing I did to help “understand” more is to read some of her reviews online so I could better understand the industry as a whole. I’m still not sure if that was a good or bad idea. The good part is reading some of the men’s compliments of her as a very nice girl who they all praise for her demeanor and professionalism. On the bad side, well it’s pretty obvious that no man wants to read in detail about the sexual acts being done to their girlfriend by a bunch of anonymous men. Ouch. A man’s pride is a very delicate thing and those reviews crushed mine. One thing I would like to say about these reviews is that these “hobbyists” are kind of low-life in my opinion (no offense to anyone on here.) Basically putting up a review about a girl that you had to PAY to have sex with you, and describing it in a way that makes you sound like some proud explorer conquering a new land is about as pathetic as it gets.
        What she has done in her personal life since leaving is what has truly made me feel like staying with her was the right choice. She made a point to contact all of the online review sites to have her account (and all the reviews associated with it) removed. They all obliged except for one, which I wish would understand her position but they blame their ability to not be able to take them down to a technical issue on the website…ya right. She has also began to take classes to be a personal trainer which she is very passionate about. Along with that she is bringing in some income from a part time job she has that gives her some financial freedom so she doesn’t have to rely on me for everything, which is very nice.
        We have plans to have a baby next year (she is 31) and I’m sure marriage will fall in line with that as well. I love her so much and I feel like this is the universe’s way of showing me that love can be found in anybody. It has also taught me to reevaluate my own personal beliefs that society has imposed on me. I don’t agree with the idea of prostitution as I feel like sex is an intimate and spiritual experience that should be shared with people you love, not someone with a few hundred bucks in their pocket. Sex has caused wars, brought down empires, killed people, brought life into the world and much more, and to me shouldn’t be treated like a retail good. BUUTTTTT I am a very open and understanding person and I take into account all scenarios that lead people to make choices in their respective lives.
        I wish you the best with your girl. I hope things work out. Please keep me updated on this thread, as will I.

    • dave

      Wow, I have very simlair story. I didn’t know for about 2 years. We can’t seem to get past it together. She blames up-bring, past abuse relationship’s etc, etc She cares for me, but when she show’s it she stop escorting, then eventually goes into depression and back to escorting for the money. My problem is I am a very normal guy. I am not a hobbyist. My value’s are traditional. I want her back in my life, she wanted a baby with me. She is used to a above average lifestyle. Can’t seem to leave because material thing’s and showing her friend’s and family she is doing good being a model/spokesperson/etc. you know the story!

  23. belle

    i am also an escort a fresh one almost a year now, i want to quit really bad. i am a single mother with 3 kids so its very hard to quit.

    • escortdiary

      I’m sorry to hear this, and sadly it’s a reality for many escorts. I hope one day you find an alternative. For now, try your best to be happy and spread joy (even when you feel sadness) — it might make the situation a little bit better. Keep us updated and Best of luck.

  24. LA

    It’s nice finding some resources about anything related to an escorts life (so thank you for that firstly). I’ve been in a relationship with someone (most beautiful girl I’ve ever dated…a really sweet loving heart..very thoughtful), and I just found out last week she’s been an escort for 12 years. I’ve seen and done a lot in my life and thought there really couldn’t be a relationship curve ball I haven’t seen, but I was wrong. It was and is so much to get my head wrapped around….to absorb. She said she never intended to get in a relationship with me…but just fell deeply in love. That she’s never loved anyone like me…that she’s never chased anyone, but feels she’s chasing me. She said she even cut back on work in order to be with me every night. She tells me she doesn’t enjoy it….that she wants to get out of it and for me to stand by her side…says she’s disgusted by men that pay for services and really doesn’t enjoy any of it. Of course I can’t know how much of all those things are true…what I do know is that the sense I get is that she’s so conditioned to this life that it literally is so automatic and so natural like any of us that go into our normal 9-5 jobs that I truly believe it must just be like “work”. I also get the sense the it’s taken a toll on her heart…her emotions. Anytime I try and talk about the emotional side of it, she immediately seems to go blank and ignore that conversation and switch to something else…almost as if it was never brought up. Is that years of developing the need to suppress emotions to cope? It feels that way. And as professional, in control, and experienced she is when she’s at work..when she’s not working, she seems to regress. Acting more immature…much more vulnerable and needy of me. Begging me to stay with her every night…to spend the night with her every night. My sense is that when I’m with her….its her moments of security, stability, and actually feeling love for one another and for her. Like she’s a sponge and trying to absorb every minute together….. In my heart…I can’t feel like I can be in a relationship with her….The last week or so for me has really been about trying to understand this world I have no knowledge or experience of…I can’t stand strip clubs..never paid for pleasure…..so this is all so foreign to me. I don’t judge and I respect everyone in this world does it for reasons that are valid for them…..I’m just a little lost at what to do and where to go at this point…

    Thank you again….

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing that. I totally understand how difficult this must be for you. I’m really glad to hear that you are so understanding about everything, or at least trying. Perhaps you have given some light into her colourless world, which explains why she is holding on to you so dearly. You’ve given the love and security she desires, so perhaps she’s worried about losing that. I don’t know what to advise precisely. Forget about what society tells you to think, forget about your own ego. Listen to your heart.

  25. Aphrodite

    Dear Sahar, It’ been a while since I read this post. Back then I was rather skeptical. But now I realize all too good you’re totally right.
    I’m having a complicated ‘relationship’ with prostitution lately (the last few months actually). Sometimes I’m in and something I’m ‘out’ of it.
    I didn’t ‘quit’ because of the love for a man, but for pursuing other goals, such as trying to finish my education. I thought that that would be enough to keep me from escorting. But it didn’t, unfortunately.
    What changed for me is my perception of financial gain.
    A few weeks ago, I want to subscribe myself into a new hobby. But it was pretty expensive…if I had to do a ‘normal’ job. But then I thought. ‘Well, if I work one or two hours, it’s fixed’. And I went back in.
    Also, I’ve become increasingly suspicious because of the threat of criminalization, so I decided to make my trade as ‘non-prostitution-like’ as possible. Right now I’m in ‘mistress-mode’, having decreased the number of men and the places where I go, and having only trysts with men I no longer. It’s actually a pretty pleasant shift in my little business. But it doesn’t really ‘help’ me.
    It (prostitution) has also caused confusion within me, as you point out in this post. ‘What do I want? Who do I want to be?’ The answer is not that easy, because who I WANT to be and who I have to be are totally different persons. If I could freely choose, then I would have no problem staying in an erotic profession. But the high mental cost keeps absorbing me, even though it’s better now.
    Sometimes I’m deeply melancholic, yet other times highly positive.
    Then I think “Yes, yes, yes! I deserve to be here. I deserve love. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to have friends! I love what I’m doing. I’m proud of myself!”
    But when melancholia comes over me, I seem to have no clue where my life has to go to. At those moment I try to think positive, like: ‘You live in a country wherein you still have chance. Don’t let a past decision ruin your life! Whatever will be broken, make something of it!’
    And these are my thoughts my of the times. ‘Ups’ and ‘downs’ .
    Anyway, this was my interference for the day.
    I Hope you are alright
    You lil’ Sis

    • escortdiary

      Dear,
      Thank you so much for sharing that. From what you wrote, I can honestly say that I am proud of you and have much optimism for you. Do you know why? From your writings and what you shared, I can see that you’re blessed with being wise, aware, compassionate and pragmatic. It’s okay to feel melancholy at times, and I hope that you can learn to cope with sadness and pain, perhaps even see it as a gift that enables you to have a bigger heart. As a great movie once said, “It’s okay to feel scared sometimes, because it shows you can feel things.” The ability to feel and empathize with others is a very noble trait, and it shows the kindness of your heart.

      It’s also okay that you are still in the business. We are lucky, both you and I, that we can make our work more wholesome. For any prostitute who wants to make the best of her situation, I strongly recommend the route you are already taking, which is working less. Working less can be better because we are seeing higher quality clients at lower frequencies (in other words, seeing less clients who are better quality). Working less makes the ‘burdens’ of working become easy to absorb both emotionally and physically. It’s also important to have a backup plan, and it seems you are already doing that by getting an education.

      Be proud of yourself dear, be patient. With a good heart and good intentions, things will eventually start make sense.

  26. Andrew

    Exotic Escort Diary I wasn’t going to Comment ever again however I’ve given thought to what I’ve written and it is important to qualify all that I said about that young Lady AND I am concerned the way I’ve compartmentalised a new Escorts body so as to make my conscience feel better, it has honestly never occurred to me why I’ve convinced myself that she is guilt free, it’s hard to accept but maybe I’m not the nice kind man people seem to think I am. Not quite scales ‘falling from mine eyes’ but close.
    You have helped me in many respects it is always better to learn from someone with personal knowledge rather than from second hand hearsay and newspaper columnists quoting from third hand academic surveys. Thirteen months ago I thought this easy sex the most wonderful thing in the world, to now, where I understand what a destructive industry prostitution is and question whether I am the nice person I thought I’ve been for this last forty years and by extension maybe I should do something proactive. We’ll wait and see what happens on that one, I’ll try. The trouble is like many I am a thoughtless naive man and I do fall for the fantasy, on a website the Escort will say ‘come see me for the best GFE you’ll ever have’ things like ‘and I love FK’ and ‘CIM is included in the fee’ what hope do weak men with full scrotums have?
    I think I am privileged in understanding more about Prostitution than the majority of men out there, I speak to no one which is hard and I understand a whole lot more like it’s illegal because it’s wrong. I am different because even though not all bookings turned out to be good experiences I did like each of the young women and that’s part the problem, I’d like to have got to know each better as human beings over a drink or a meal. I used to have prejudices but now know better, I once thought I could always spot a hooker in a crowd and like most men if they’re honest would not marry a hooker would not knowingly be friends with a hooker and certainly try stopping a young daughter, heaven forbid, being friends with a hooker and I am sure if I knew a friend was a hooker then I’d have instantly thought her immoral which entitles a guilt free easy lay.
    If you are wondering would I date a Prostitute the answer’s a definite YES. I’ve been unforgivably very harsh and unfair on someone, it’s complicated, because she IS sweet and kind and we had lovely times but it didn’t end well, on reflection maybe she got concerned I was falling in love and maybe thought I was spending more money than I could afford, definitely the falling. I’ve been thinking about what happened since I last wrote, she Is in fact a warm and friendly young woman, carefree and I should always remember I payed for her time, so in terms of love I mean nothing to her, but you know circumstances! Also my pride was hurt and this perception that hookers fall in love with Clients is where Society gets it so so so wrong. Would I have dated her YES and it’s part of the reason for everything ending badly, she didn’t reply to a text, in fact her last one reads ‘Lovely to have met you and thanks again for the perfume xx’ well you can’t get a more honest and nice final text than that can you, I’m at fault! As I said I was hurt not that there was much to be hurt about mind and I do miss her, but the problem is, she’ll have seen these respectful and lonely single men falling in love with her all before, bad combination middle aged men and beautiful sweet young women with perfect size 8 figures, it all ends in tears.
    I understand the harm I am doing, I really do!
    I now know this following as a certainty. I will never visit a Brothel again (didn’t understand that’s where I may have actually been) never phone an Agency (maybe I have maybe I haven’t) or seek out another Independent from the internet. However I am a man therefore imperfect and as of now have no idea what happens with another young woman, however I am aware what my conscience is telling me ‘a woman’s body Is connected to her mind and to her soul’ that’s had a big effect me.
    I had read ‘Can One Truly Leave The Sex Industry?’ a long time ago and it is heartbreaking, my fault of course and is relevant to me but not for the reason you’re envisaging. I talk of the very first Escort I had sex with and lost my virginity to, well she quit the sex industry two months ago. I never met her again but have been following her from time to time on her Blog , she even replied to my one and only Comment where I thanked her for that afternoon and wished her well for the future. She held my hand both emotionally and physically into that bedroom then took me through a breathtaking intimate and real Girlfriend experience. She is a lovely woman who was very kind to me and if truth be known I think she enjoyed being with a man who’d for many complicated reasons never touched a naked woman before. She said she felt honored and maybe it was fun for a change!
    However I DO blame her for something, if it hadn’t been such a magical experience for that hour and a half, if it had been truly awful then I am pretty sure Escorting would have ended there and then stone dead. Because it was so fantastic I carried on but thirteen months and six Escorts later, paying for women’s sexual services has never been that special again, even though some have been close in different ways. I honestly believe if she had just layed on her back let me cum inside her, then kicked me out without making any effort at conversation or in other words ‘not giving a shit’ then she WOULD have been my one and only hooker, but I’m so glad it wasn’t like that, I’m NOT a victim what happened next was no concern of hers.
    So back to my first Escort I really do wish her well for the future.
    I usually add a PS, I’ve taken a lot of time and thought over all my Comments because I understand through your Diary the harm I have done, so please never question whether it’s honest because it is. You are like a silent knowing Agony Aunt but with no return words of comfort which I like.

    • charles

      Andrew, this is quite similar to my situation. there is some deep seeded feelings for the one I see half way around the world. The texting thing about perfume..yeah, I asked the girl if she wanted some, never responded to my text.She will respond with texts but be very minimal. Get this, the irony to this chapter in life, when I first saw her, I said to myself..don’t visit that one, she’ll break my heart..walked by her several more times dismissing her, but in the end before the night was over with, I went to see her..Not that she has broken my heart, that was my own self fulfilling prophecy. I should have listened to myself..She is just my type in every sense (body, personality), except she is a prostitute and it will NEVER work out.

  27. intergrrrl

    I escorted on and off for five years, between the ages of twenty and twenty five. I hated having sex with the clients (I used to wash in Detol when I got home) but felt somehow compelled to cary on. I wasted all the money I earned and didn’t care if I lived or died. I already felt dead inside.
    Every time I left “for good” I relapsed in a matter of weeks and ended up doing it again, usually (on the surface) because I had budgeted (or failed to budget) my earnings from regular, low-paying jobs so stupidly that I found myself in financial hot water and suddenly had to make the rent / bills in a hurry. Time and again it happened… almost as if I had engineered myself into that situation!
    One day, six years ago, it dawned on me very suddenly after quite an ordinary night seeing regulars that what I was doing was effectively self harm. The emotional numbness I got from living in this hidden nighttime world where I repeatedly colluded in my own rape was what kept me going back; the money had only been the excuse. I was addicted to the numbness, the not having to feel, the exit door from having to be myself that my double life provided.
    The calmness and numbness when I was working I imagine may be similar to the one that supposedly comes to physical self harmers after they cut, or to heroin addicts when they have a hit.
    The sudden insight into my behaviour caused me to burn my escorting sim card that morning when I got home. That was six years ago, and I haven’t escorted since.
    However…
    They say that once you’re an alcoholic you’re always an alcoholic, even if you never drink again. I feel the same must be true of all addictive behavioural patterns.
    If I’m worried about money, if I’m depressed, if something upsets me… my INSTANT reaction is to start planning to go out escorting again. It’s like a glitch in my mind, literally the FIRST THOUGHT that comes into my mind as the result of ANY negative situation (financial or not). I go into a high state of anxiety that I “have” to finally do it again after all this time. It can take anything between minutes and days to talk myself down from this state and be calm again. I’ve gone so far as to contact agencies, send them pictures and gain employment with them before managing to calm down enough to change my mind and cancel (sometimes at the very last minute).
    ll these years later I still have flashbacks and bad dreams. I’ve wondered more than once if I have post-traumatic stress syndrome.
    I suffer depression, periodic anxiety and interpersonal problems when attempting intimate relationships.
    Despite only having sex with the few people I’ve had feelings for and been attracted to since then, to this day I find penetrative sex either to be painful or to cause no sensation at all (other than chaffing). I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner, which certainly isn’t from their want of trying. I can do it by myself but don’t often feel the urge to bother.
    All in all I would say there is a lot more fallout from sex work than potential societal implications. Of course it will affect everyone differently, all of us being individuals, but I feel I’ve done myself psychological and physical damage that I couldn’t even have imagined when I first began escorting. Knowing what I know now I wish I had never started. I’ll never know how different I might have been had I not done this terrible thing to myself, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover.
    Though I am beginning counselling in September (at last!), so fingers crossed…

    • steve

      good luck grrlll..you seem like a thoughtful young woman who has a lot to overcome. I would look to tantra and other spiritual exercises….best of luck

    • escortdiary

      I’m really sorry to hear about your experiences. Since you don’t like this work, I really wish there was a sustainable and desirable alternative for you. This is the most tragic issue facing escorts who hate what they are doing: they got into it due to economic hardships, and then they get trapped in the sex industry because of complex psychological implications. Reverting back to the “normal” realm of working is more than just adjusting to a different income or schedule. The hardest part can also be adjusting to mingling with “normal” people whom have no idea about the experiences you’ve had in the past (experiences that shaped who you are and how you see the world). The daunting idea is that an escort cannot share her experiences or emotions with “normal” people because she knows she will be shunned, so she ends up silenced (in a psychological prison). It’s very similar to a refugee who has fled from a war-torn situation where they witnessed many traumatic events. Those experiences are with them forever. I sincerely hope you find a way to deal with your wounds.

    • dave

      Hi, i having been seeing a escort for 6 years, she has been in it 10 years. She has stop three or 4 times since I have been with her. I step up and do what I can,when I can. I was wondering what help is there for escorts emotionally to leave the trade. She made appointments with counselor’s after depression incident’s. but return’s because of money. Then she get’s upset with me for counseling her about leaving the trade. Then she cut’s me off in exchange for money because no one ever showed her love! The money draw’s her back! Her family disown’s her because they know deep down she is a prostitute. So when she escort’s she can’t look me in the eye and then gets depressed.So she won’t see me when she’s on her escorting binge’s. Any thought’s

  28. Alan

    I was dating a girl who was a prostitute 3 years ago. I felt in love with her but I didn’t know she was into that. Actually she was keeping her distance from that, she was 25. But she met some people who drag her back. We were in Miami and she was from Cuba where prostitution is a must, even her mother was a prostitute and her father used to bring clients for her mother and later on for her (I knew that way later).

    Any way, she left me to party and enjoy the glam of Miami, she was doing good but the men are bad, the problem is that she was used to be beaten and abused.

    Today she is bulimic and anorexic, totally lost in harder drugs. I kept my distance from her 2 years ago because she was not listening and besides… her mother and father from Cuba are asking her for money and telling her to get laid. She is too used to the money and glam even she has no money, she is jumping fro place to place, she had debt, she is a disaster, I believe she lost her car too and she want to sell drugs herself. I know everything what is going around her. But that is the way she learned life and I can not do anything about it, trust me… I tried.

    If she ends up in a hospital and I am told about it, I will run to her to comfort her. It would be like the movie of Will Smith where he has a dog who was becoming a zombie and he was hugging it and when the dog started to change he killed it. Similar… I know how toxic she is but in my head, I would give her the minute of love she deserved because she just didn’t have the parents I had. I would have to let her go again unless he makes the choice but I am not even counting on it. I moved on but if the only piece of sunshine in this world is me, I would give her a piece of that, for a few minutes and that is it.

    • Andrew

      I had decided I’d written my very last comment because I ‘knew’ I’d found ‘Escorting happiness’ with this Escort but for reasons I stopped, so yesterday I went to the same Establishment and saw another girl. As soon as I walked into the bedroom within seconds I knew this was going to be a disaster but didn’t have the heart to walk out, she’d get told off asked why? and I’d come hours for sex, so cut a long story short we spent the last hour talking, with me trying to cheer her up (me of all people ‘the low life Client lol) I don’t think I’ve met someone more nervous sad lonely hating their job in my life before. We parted with a peck on the cheek IT had been a friendly (expensive) counselling session but I couldn’t help feeling this girl was a walking nervous breakdown, she hadn’t been doing this Escorting long did it for her young children but from EXPERIENCE knew she wasn’t cut out for this, Coming home I DIDN’T feel guilty or shameful because we hadn’t done anything! But I couldn’t help thinking “she isn’t gonna cope with back to back Gods Gift twenty somethings wanting hard rough sex for an hour”, she’s a silly girl NOT cut out for this easy money but what can you do, I came away thinking I’m tired of this game..

  29. adventures of marktwain

    Hi Sahar,

    I stumbled upon your website because I am really looking for answers about my situation. I really like how honest and open you are about your life. And It feels comforting to read that I am not alone, especially LA’s post above . But I hope you don’t mind if I relate my story here.

    I am 28 and finally decided to live alone again after a failed marriage. One day, I decided to go back into finding escorts thinking of just the fun.. Apparently, I did find one and… with a twist of fate to this day… we still see each other.. in fact have fallen in love. and it’s already been going on for 8 months. It’s so hard to leave because of the compatibility and like mindedness.

    But here are the facts, She’s only 20 years old from the Philippines (Still enough time to go back to normalcy), started in the business when she was 18. And she’s been saying she wants out. But because of her financial situation, it is very difficult for her to stop completely. I have seen her real life situation because she was kind enough to show it to me And that opened my mind. (Poverty in the Philippines is really down to the slums as compared to an elite economy.) I do support her as well. In fact just given her a huge sum to keep her afloat. To this day, she keeps a small number of clients, (for the money it entails). But because of this, We had different types of arguments about this. An example would be About her protecting me from the baggage this bears if I were to find out that she’s still in it. (however I did find out.).. and the other about me asking for complete honesty just to know she’s safe. At least just a location of where she is…
    Her college degree is still on the way and looks like I’d have to bear a couple more years of her being in this situation before anything can really happen.
    Would it be best to stay away or continue to pursue her?
    And lastly, what’s difficult is the emotional justifications I need to make if I want to continue on having this relationship with her. I’ve been in an internal debate for some time now, and I just hope i find clarity about this..

    I have been devising a method wherein to feel real love or her honest love, is it possible that I stop providing for her, just to prove that she does feel sentiment for me. On the other hand, I will accept her fully and unconditionally. What are your thoughts?

    I wish you can share some light on how you made your relationship work.

    • SL

      If you can show me one whore who left the sex trade, I will show you 1,000 who didn’t! I have come across so many of them who kept on selling their bodies till they get older and older.

  30. Robert

    I am in a somewhat unique position that has fueled my desire to visit escorts. I have been single for about 10 years. My wife died and I spent a few years coping with that loss. Then my father died and I became the caregiver of my mother who had suffered a stroke several years ago. I am blessed to be able to take care of her and have no regrets. The one downside is it leaves little time for a social life. I have had a few relationships, but with my time constraints and the fact the my Mother kind of “comes along with me” they have not worked.Then while taking a couple of “get away” days I was at a larger well know hotel in Cleveland Ohio. In the lounge I happened upon a sweet young lady sitting by herself. I asked if I could join her. After talking for a while, it turns out she had been waiting for someone and they hadn’t shown up. After a while I had the “aha” moment when I realized what she was talking about. After talking further, she agreed to come to my room. She was very at ease and open and I felt relaxed and excited at the same time. She was gentle and caring and we had a wonderful time. If she was just faking, she was a great actress. To wind this up, I feel fulfilled in my life as a caregiver. I am active in several charities and have a great life. The only thing I felt was missing was a lack of female companionship. This need is filled very well in my life by the escort I have been seeing on a monthly basis for the last year or so. Sometimes we have dinner also, sometimes not. She fills a very special spot in my life and I am very fond of her. My point in all this writing is that every case of seeing an escort is so different. It would be so hard to lump all the reasons and emotions and needs into one mold. I feel that escorts can fill a really noble need in our society if they truly have a heart for it. Giving another human being an hour or two of closeness and caring is so much more than just the sexual aspect. I know her likes and dislike and never go beyond them. If she were to stop tomorrow I would be sad, but would wish her a happy life and cherish the times we had together.

    • Lee

      I have a different perspective in that I was dating someone that I found later to be an escort. We’re together again now in a different way…just companionship…a true relationship with her wasn’t possible for me given her work…she still loves me to death and dotes on me…makes me dinner…she’s an amazing girl. She’s a beautiful girl…sweet..caring..thoughtful….but what you don’t see…which I’ve had the opportunity to see is the damage it does. Not all that are in this business may agree..and some of those may be in denial of the very damage they’re sustaining…but these “relationships” are artificial…forced….and it takes a massive toll on a human being. So while I appreciate your need to satisfy your needs..understand that there’s more than the monetary cost associated with it…there’s a real human being there that likely wants to be anywhere else but there. I think any man should find what works for them and find and date women that will accept you and your life….not perpetuate something that while you’re taking care of yourself, you’re hurting someone else in the process. I can’t do that.

  31. Miggy

    Yesterday I found out my wife has been escorting in a foreign country..telling me that she was working in a restaurant in Oslo returning back with a pretty good income, now after not feeling at all sure about her I have found conclusive proof that she is working as an escort in another European country. My heart sank as far down as one can imagine..my inside felt like ripping out in rage..why..why what have I done to deserve this.
    We have been married for near 10 years..and some 2 years ago she decided to leave me with no reason other than, I am going..and bye. For 7 moths i saw nothing of her nor could I contact her and then near on 2 years ago she comes back into my life and says she was sorry and really loves me very much. We are going through some financial issues but nothing too serious..but some 9 months ago she tells me she is goig to work for a month in Oslo..and that she would be earning around 3000 euros after checking wages in Norway I could believe this. But, shortly after her return from Oslo 3 months later she was off again and again 1 month and returned with a little more than 3000 so she says. I get to see no cash but believe her because i love her. Now, just 2 moths ago she went off again and returned with another amount of cash..and I just could not believe her story. I asked her to give me details of where she stayed..with who..etc but got evasive looks.
    She tells me she loves me..but not in the same way i love her..what does this mean. We have sexual relations in bed but nothing like as good as in previous years..its gone so cold.
    Deep inside i feel that i am being so used..exploited and have to make a move out of this before I end up rather ill. I am stressed and now after seeing photos of her in seductive poses and charging fees for different sexual postures etc I am so lost.
    I am so in love with this girl…I would even pardon her for what she has done to date, but, I feel she will simply return to this new career of hers and leave me wasted.
    I wish I could find that very moment in time that she decided to make the move into escorting and remove that moment away from times existence so that she could return to the beautiful wife i once married.

  32. Moon River

    I am facing this issue right now. I recently left the sex industry because I found myself in a relationship. I initially had no interest in being in a relationship but I also wanted to quit for a while to focus on school (all the traveling was taking a toll on my gpa). I live with my boyfriend and he recently bought me a car. The sex is the best Ive ever had in my life and emotionally I have never felt so vulnerable and open around someone. The emotional support and love I receive from him goes beyond the worth of any monetary gain, but I have to remind myself of this constantly.
    He knows that I used to be an escort and that I stopped a week after we became exclusive and forgave me for being unfaithful. As would be expected with someone who knew that their partner was fresh out of the sex trade, he has expressed his doubt that I will be able to be faithful to him. He knows that my personality and financial situation make me more susceptible to returning to the trade, even though he is taking care of me. Unfortunately, he’s right. I value his love and love who he is but I always find myself fantasizing about situations where I sneak away to someone from an escort site to make quick money. Having casual sex for money makes me feel secure and gives me a huge adrenaline rush that Im struggling to recreate in other ways. I don’t need the money to survive at this point, but i feel this compulsive need to accumulate the money just in case I need it for something in the future. I already know the relationship won’t last (he’s a few decades older than I am and Im not even 21 yet) but I am more concerned that I may feel the need to return to escorting even after I have graduated from college and gained financial stability. A former client of mine lives 6 blocks away from where me and my bf live and i just keep thinking about how easy it would be to cheat on him for quick money. If you have any advice for me I would really appreciate it. Im hoping these thoughts will subside with time but if they don’t I know that its only a matter of time until I return to escorting in some form.

    • escortdiary

      Moon River,

      Thank you for sharing that. I know exactly how you feel. A lot of people have the impression that prostitutes can simply stop their work once they become whisked away by a lover. It’s greatly ironic. Many of us dream of love, and then once we have it, we prioritize our work. What can explain this paradoxical issue? Many high-class escorts feel inadequate when we are away from the sex industry — it’s not even necessarily about money, as you mentioned. We can be with a generous lover who provides us with the financial support we require, and yet ironically, there’s a yearning to be independent and still sell ourselves to other men. Transforming from sex work into a “normal” life is thus foreign, and a deep nostalgia persists for what is ‘safe’ to us (having our independence, being in full control of our lives).

      As for advice, there is no sound solution. I have tried many different ventures with the men I loved. With my first love, I got engaged and I stopped working — and I was just like you….I missing my escorting days immensely when I quit. I ended up leaving my fiance despite he was willing to accommodate my wishes — mind you, I was your age back then and didn’t want to settle. With my relationships afterwards, my partners supported me financially and also had to accept that I still see clients occasionally. Being in relationships and still escorting part time has been my life for the past years — not so much intentionally, but it just happened this way. For now, it works for me, but it is stressful given that partners are inclined to get jealous of the work we do — which is understandable.

      If you’re not ready to leave escorting, then tell your partner. You can still be in a loving, committed relationship despite being an escort — and even though your partner disapproves of your work, he might tolerate it if it means being with you. Try to explain to him that being an escort is not cheating at all — it’s not comparable to the intimacy that you two feel as lovers. Over time, your boyfriend will hopefully realize that your clients pose no threat to your relationship with him

      Hope that helps

      Sahar

  33. John

    The complexity of these questions is huge.

    Following up on your reference, Sahar, to emotional psychological damage from experiences in war being analogous to the emotional struggles of women in the sex industry…. I believe the analogy is real, accurate. It is just like PTSD. Sexuality has a special power over us too, thus complexity to sort out for those who wish to bring healing to this part if life. Overt trauma and less dramatic sustained, emotional injuries have a power over us and control our lives. Negative emotions, fear, anger, shame eclipse… hijack, our thinking … they become our “home” and displace our ability to see and experience ourselves in a more balanced light, Culturally squed attitudes add tremendous power to layers of distorted views about prostitution.

    Lately the recreational drug MDMA has show very strong promise as treatment for PTSD in military vets. It seems to chemically interrupt the blindness of pathological emotional experiences of PTSD sufferers. It seems to furnish a moment, an open window free of pathological emotional experience, in which people can see reality without the blinders of negative emotions replacing reality. Vets are experiencing rapid improvement.

    I’m quite certain this can be applied to women who want greater clarity about their relationship to the world of prostitution, to themselves and where they want to fit into life.

    Maybe too for some of the incredibly impoverished men they interact with.

    • John

      I should add I’m not a woman or involved in the sex industry. I have a ton of experience in psychology, transpersonal psychotherapy, medicine, psychiatry, metaphysics …. I know emotional injuries can be generalized and involve sustained negative emotions that apply to any part of life … and disrupt our ability to make decisions and experiene ourselves as whole and good.

  34. This is a great blog. Thank you for being so open and straight forward. I really like your article. Keep it up.

  35. gran

    Not judging you sis,but………
    Prohibition against prostitution from the Qur’an:
    Allāh says in Sūrat An Nur:
    A painful punishment waits in this world and the next for those who like indecency to spread among the believers. God knows and you do not. [Qur’an, Sura An Nur, 24:19]……………………
    Leave while you have chance!

  36. James

    I started visiting a wonderful mature escort about eight months ago driven mostly by lonelieness and sexual adventure .But became apparent that apart from a fantastic sexual connection I felt a connection with a woman that was just trying to improve her life and the lives of her loved ones .She was working out of hotels until she could rent an apartment . She rented a trashy apartment which she totally renovated into a beautiful loft all by herself so over the time I would see her two or three times a month lending her tools and just texting to see how she was doing . Some how not being able to go a waking hour with out thinking about her and her safety as she always seemed to going from one crisis to another car accident ,financial wowes ,her son was in troubles with the law.I’m struggling with wanting to help her out of these crisies but l have limited time and financial resources .I’m sure she is a bit of a likable rogue by nature but drug and alcohol free with no support network I’m afraid she is at risk of never getting on top of things . How do I help her survive or myself get over the infatuation?

  37. Matt

    I think the moral of the story is you need to prioritise yourself. Life is precious and fighting and holding on to your own happiness is essential, let NOTHING get in the way of your path to fulfilment.

    I recently discovered my girlfriend is a high-end escort. Call me weak, but I just can’t handle everything that this scenario has thrown up. She’s a great girl etc etc but has the potential to make me ill and ruin my life. This is a very dangerous situation.

    Let’s not beat around the bush – escorting is fundamentally a very sad world. This website wouldn’t exist if that wasn’t the case. All these instances are just sad.

    My advice to anyone going out with an escort, who doesn’t look like stopping any time soon, is get the hell out of there before it starts to destroy you. Self-preservation. You deserve better.

    • escortdiary

      @Matt
      Sorry I don’t agree with your advice.

      All what you wrote – I see a lack of empathy. What about her? This is the solution for all escorts? Abandon women in this situation further because it is too much for you to handle? You deserve better, apparently…. And what about her? I guess she deserves dirt, right? If she is a great girl, then maybe you need to reevaluate what is making you ill. Perhaps it is your own ego that is making you ill. Thank goodness there are selfless men out there who are happy to make other peoples lives easier, rather than just think about how it will benefit their selfish ego.

      • Matt

        @escortdiary

        Hi there, in my instance, my ex was abused as a child by her step-father, and the mental health issues that have ensued since her childhood have made her vulnerable to being exploited. I’m not going into detail, as it’s all been said before, but stuff like hating men, low self-worth, ability to compartmentalize/desensitize, multiple personality disorder etc. sadly make her the ideal candidate for life as an escort. Because of her stolen childhood, she has Lolita syndrome, is both a child and an adult, and has a sexual magnetism that men find irresistible. It breaks my heart that she has opted for this path, as she deserves a lot better.

        I didn’t mean to sound selfish in my last post, far from it – I begged her not to go into the profession when she mentioned it. I spent weeks and weeks devising strategies to help her clear her debt and build a happy and successful ‘normal’ career. I welcomed her into my family, introduced her to my friends, showed her tender loving care every day.

        So for her to then go and become an escort without me knowing was supremely selfish on many levels, not least healthwise. There were so many other things she could have done but she made a decision for herself AND then presented herself as a VICTIM when I found out. I advised her against being an escort and then she blamed me for not “being there for her” when presented with misogynistic, unpleasant clients. “We’re a team baby, if we can get through this then we’ll be unbreakable”. Nope, you are a 29 year old woman, serving your own purposes, paying off debts that you, not me or us, accrued, earning a lot of money on holiday in Miami (probably enjoying yourself to an extent), whilst your boyfriend is at home worrying 24/7 about you. Such selfish, manipulative behaviour on her part, not mine. Please tell me how this can behaviour be presented in a positive manner?

        I get that escorting is a career choice, a business, and anyone is entitled to choose it. Just from my experience, it is not compatible with a healthy, normal relationship, particularly combined, in my instance, with her mental health issues stemming from child sexual abuse.

        The whole process is so draining and sucks your life force out, it makes you question the very essence of humanity. It is just a horrid and cruel reality.

        I’ve come to realize that I can’t help my ex, she needs professional help. I found her a therapist here in London and I pray that she will call him and take steps to recovery. As she is in grave danger of being sucked into this industry and losing her soul and capacity to love completely.

        It’s a hard pill to swallow, as I genuinely loved her. But you realize that these people need to love themselves before loving others. They are dangerous because they have the power to suck your own life force out of you without you knowing. I’m just relieved that I’ve got out now before it made me ill.

      • Michael

        @Matt…

        I feel that you are me and I am you. Your case is near 100% similar to mine..except I was not informed about her extra marital work…yes..i was and am still married to her.
        However, i tried my best to understand her..help her..no matter what I tried she would say I love you very much…but i need to do this, to earn my future. I for eight years kept her satisfied..with small luxuries..trips..and party life. One day, she lied to me..a first..and then it happened again…she would go off with a friend for a night out on the town..and then..it would be more than a night..but a weekend. I tried to keep up with her but with work..and being 18 years her senior this was becoming increasingly more difficult.
        Then..i was devastated one day. She had returned from a 2 day trip with over $$$ euros cash. I asked where this came from to be told she had won it on a machine in a casino..i thoight it plausible but..2 weeks later another even bigger win this..was not. I confronted her and she didn’t want to speak about it..but said that next week she would be going to Borway for a month to work as an aupair…and that she needed this break.
        It all came tumbling down from there…i realised that there was much more to it..her childish behaviour..her beautiful looks..her coming from an enpoverished country Cuba..and her desire for liquid cash had taken her in to the escort scene. She returned with over $$$$ euros and another contract for another month in 2 months time. I felt lost..shattered..and gutted when i found pieces of paper in her jacket with phone numbers..addresses..and even sums. I confronted her and asked her to leave this line of work..find alternative. .but..to this date no luck.
        We now go seperate ways..i know she moved in to a club now in Denmark..not too sure if escorting stll in her daily routine. But..I could see the life in her seep out from her with every return visit..and as for her future..i sincerely hope she manages to get out soon..l I still love her very much..but I was starting to feel after 2 years of this..weak..lost..tormented and just absolute no idea of why she would follow and give men what they took from her at an early age of 11.

      • escortdiary

        @Matt

        Thank you for sharing that, and my apologies for dismissing you so easily.
        Quite honestly, I empathize with your situation. I have had one lover with similar views to you, almost feeling the exact way that you do towards me. And to be honest, I cannot say there is a simple solution.

        I wish I can somehow convey to you that, perhaps, your girlfriend isn’t truly selfish and manipulative at heart. Of course, I do not know her personally and cannot say her reasonings are the same as myself — however, I can say that if she is a lovely person in other ways, then there are many underlying reasons why she behaves the ways you have described.

        You have seen my blog and how I feel about life and my work (deep down), but if you knew me in real life, you would be shocked at how my actions and thoughts can seem contradictory. I, too, have been accused of being selfish and manipulative from a lover. Perhaps, your girlfriend, shares the same sentiments as me, regarding life. Perhaps she acts ‘selfish’ because she has learnt from her life experiences that relying on others is very fragile. For her, escorting might be the only viable outlet to make money. She might have a difficult time in other ‘normal’ workplaces, whereas escorting is the only viable option that gives her freedom.

        Now, your case is unique. I have yet to hear about a woman entering sex work while in a relationship. Maybe she was unsatisfied with the relationship as a whole? Perhaps she wanted out, and got into escorting….hoping that it would make you leave her? Maybe you and her are simply incompatible on reasons that extend beyond her escorting? It is not always the escorts job which drains the relationship — in many cases, some people are simply not compatible together. Moreover, the escort is not always at fault. There are lovers of escorts who themselves make the situation more difficult than it should be. Have you considered evaluating yourself? Maybe you failed to fulfil her expectations? I think it is unfair to make judgements and evaluate your girlfriend when one does not know anything about you. May you, yourself, have your own issues, and with her, neither of you have the capacity to take on each others hardships?

        One must realize that there are relationships with escorts that do work — some men are more patient and understanding than others. This does not mean they care less or do not experience feelings of fear or jealousy.

        Once again, thank you for sharing. Please feel free to keep us updated with your experiences

        Best,
        Sahar

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  39. Angel

    I could never leave escorting. I have three children and I’m a married woman born and raised in the US (and yes my work is known). My spouse does not work. The third child I am having is by a client (I am pregnant). I can’t work in a normal setting because of disabilities (neuro condition). So I have no choice. Nice to be able to find love and have the choice to stop. However there are wealthy men I see that I would never leave my marriage for. My time is either working or spending time with my family. My life is pretty black and white. Not complaining but I’m just saying if I didn’t need to do this, I might not. But for now my family needs me to do this.

    • escortdiary

      Thank you for sharing. I wish the burden of working can be lifted off your shoulders so you are not the sole provider for your children. Try to enroll yourself into a career path so you can slowly transition out of the sex industry in the future. Best wishes

  40. Irish

    I need your help. A new client approached me in November 2014 offering to help me retire. After much thought I decided to take him up on his offer and retire summer 2015. Then, I returned to work in September only seeing a few regulars that month. I couldn’t take the pressure of my job and made a promise to him that I would retire for good.

    Well, I slipped up and saw couple regulars in November and didn’t admit to it until the start of the new year 2016. During the summer we got to know each other and definitely grew closer. I have past issues lashing out when men get too close and I can’t manage the emotions I’m going through, there’s a part of me that I’ll never see again after being a sex worker since 2005. While I did take some breaks, since being in the USA I had been working full time almost every day for 6.5years.

    Can you please advise me? Sometimes I feel I want to go back, to have my independence again but I had deleted every profile, review and email account to show this man I was serious. Unfortunately I still lash out at him, he has been through a tough divorce and switches his phone regularly, I’m not surprised. I preferred abusing myself and don’t like being verbally abusive in this relationship.

    Is there a retreat for retired sex workers or is there somewhere I can go do to help myself…..maybe volunteer at a sex workers project? I am at wits end on what to do.

    Thank you,
    Irish

    • escortdiary

      Hi Irish,

      Thank you for sharing that. I feel great sympathy for your situation, because it is something I myself have experienced more or less — I know it is extremely hard to quit. But don’t give up! There is no future benefit from remaining an escort — eventually we need to move on before the industry consumes our well-beings as a whole.

      From what you wrote, I never got any indication of what prompted you to retire besides this client? What about quitting for yourself? Ask yourself: would you still quit if this man wasn’t in your life? I hope you can understand the importance of quitting on your will. Think of it this way: what if tomorrow something happened that prevented you from being about to escort –how will you support yourself? What is your back up plan without depending on anything else?

      I will try to post something I’ve been meaning to share for a while now — a post to encourage escorts to QUIT & find support.

      Please stay in touch & Best wishes until then..

      Love
      Sahar

  41. Dasani

    Hi,

    I really want to appreciate what you have done here. I know it must be hard to talk about all this as my current fiance is a former Prostitute ( I want to belive she is not doing this any more). The struggle is to exit out of this side of work is not as easy as I thought.

    My question is, why are most people in this industry pathological liars. I catch my fiance lying to me on small to big things as well as big things and then gets mad at me. She says she loves me, and I am the love of her life. I am not sure if she is acting or if she just want me to keep her emotionally better.

    Can you help me out? Do you have an email or is here fine to answer questions?

    • Michael Frank Henry Arnold

      Dasani…my situation entirely. I found out by accident and tried to think freely and for a time I tried to be there by her side…being married for 8 years and then finding out 2 years since, but its not worth it my friend. The money too good..the lying gets worse and you are forgotten. She tells me she doesn’t want a divorce..she wants me..so I ask her to leave what she does and all goes quiet. I have decided to file for divorce and will completely wipe clean my life from her. Good luck with whatevef your decision is..but money is stronger than love…at least in my case.

  42. Leighxo

    Thank you so much for this post. I’m an escort and I’m currently going thought this situation, should I chose love or money? Is the love even worth it? I’m still unsure of what to do. I guess it’s really a question I should ask myself, but I can’t seem to because of the emotional roller coaster I’m stuck on trying to decide what I really want to do.

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