Monthly Archives: May 2011

Puppet on a string…..

Studying so much about different theologies, scientific theories, and social sciences has often lead me to question my spirituality.

Sometimes I’m so convinced that there is no hope, but then I am confronted with experiences that remind me of the power of fate.

For instance, why can’t I enjoy things so easily (naively) like most people? Why are my ‘ups’ followed by ‘downs?’ Why do I feel stunning one week, and hideous the next? Why am I confident one day, and insecure the next? I swear, it’s His plan to keep me from getting too much of an ego. If I was happy and feeling beautiful all the time I would probably be more selfish. But instead, I am faced with emotional barriers always, preventing my ego from developing further. Why?

Am I meant to be someone who feels things? Pain hurts, but admittedly it does make me wiser to an extent. Depression is lonely, but it does allow me to reflect and empathize with my surroundings.

Aside from that, I have come to realize I am no longer 21. Although I am still considered young, I don’t feel it much anymore. I am now one quarter of a century years old. Never did I fathom that poor sleeping habits and stress would start to paint its picture on my face. My face has often been prized as my external best feature, in contest with my breasts. I rely on those assets to survive. Sure, some men like me for my personality also, but the initial attraction is the sparkle in my eyes (which is fading, due to stress). My age won’t be a barrier to the trade for years to come, as women in their 30’s can still make lots of money. But stress is a barrier, and it gets written all over my face. Back 5-6 months ago, my face was fresh and glowing..flushed with eagerness and desire (which is what clients want). But after months of letting men devour me like vultures I feel, metaphorically, like a corpse leftover now. Clients, though, are actually quite good, but it’s just not easy to work as an escort when feeling emotional in other aspects of life.

My regular clients want to see me, they are good clients. Yet I keep deterring appointments, because I’m not the same provider I was when they last saw me. I am reminded of the quote, “If you only walk in the sun you will never reach your destination..” Let me endure this storm, it shall pass.


Filed under Dealing with Depression

Sex and Beyond

Before I entered the world of high-class prostitution, I had virtually little sexual experience with others. However, I was deeply sensual and curious. Back then, in my late teens, I didn’t even know that a man could bring me to orgasm. For one thing, bringing myself to orgasm used to take a lot of effort. Little did I know that some men make it their goal to spend a great deal of time giving pleasure.

I often feel that being a prostitute has made me a very passionate lover. I really love sex (only with those I love and/or have chemistry with, of course). I am fortunate that my facade (the exotic and busty girl-next-door) attracts a lot of romantic clients, clients who get pleasure in pleasing me. It is some of these clients who’ve taught me about the wonders of my body, and what feels good.

When I was around 19, a gentleman, who happened to be a client, gave me my first non-self-induced orgasm (previously, I had my first orgasm by myself). I learnt that pleasure-giving-men know how to make a woman feel relaxed — and most importantly, they are patient. He spent such a long time kissing nearly every inch of my body, edging me and teasing me purposely. In fact, he purposely teased me by avoiding my most sensitive areas. By the time he reached my nipples, my valley was flooded with arousal. Once his tongue went between my inner thighs, I was intensely aroused. Coming with his warm lips and mouth was bliss. After him, it gradually became easier to come with talented men. My ex-fiancee in particular made it his duty to make sure I always have intense orgasms, in any fashion that I desired.

I have always been a very aroused lady. As I wrote before, the ironic thing about being a courtesan is that ‘work’ sex makes me crave ‘real’ sex. As mentioned, some clients (regular clients that I know well and trust) can make me orgasm. However, the reality is sex for ‘work’ doesn’t do much for me. A client who makes me orgasm does not make me lust for him necessarily. While I may get pleasure from a client, my feelings can remain indifferent since there is no love. However, a man that I genuinely desire, who makes me orgasm, entices me to be playful and heighten our pleasure. There are no sexual boundaries with someone I love.

A fellow escort once ridiculed me angrily, because she found it ‘disgusting’ that I could get pleasure from some clients. Ironically enough, when escorts socialize together it is actually ‘uncool’ for an escort to admit she enjoys sex with some clients. Most sex workers I encounter do not ‘get off’ with their clients, and can’t even conceive of the idea. Even more ironic, escorts judge each other as ‘whores’ depending if she enjoys her clients or not. Paid-sex is typically ‘mechanical’ between working girls and their clients — the sad reality is most girls are doing this for the sole purpose of money. Just because a woman sells her body does not mean she’s discovered the beauty of pleasure or has discovered her own sexuality (sadly) — I think a lot of people do not realize this about prostitutes. On the contrary, my personal experience only reflects a small minority of prostitutes, who try to make the best of work and enjoy clients when possible. If a man is respectful, impeccably hygienic, discerning and generous, then I may let him seduce me (within limits, of course).

‘The girlfriend experience’ is a term working girls use to describe an ‘extra’ service. Regular service with a client consists of sex with a condom, blow-job with a condom, no kissing, no touching or licking her pussy. The ‘girlfriend experience’ on the other hand includes kissing and allowing the man to perform oral sex on her — in other words, sex that’s similar to being with ones girlfriend. Additionally, no high-class working girl has sex without a condom, unless she is insane. Any form of unsafe sex among high-class prostitutes is looked down upon, and deeply condemned amongst the working girls ‘codes of ethics.’

So despite my rant on safe sex, I contradict myself because of my actions with the Sheik. Technically, the Sheik is a client because he pays for our time. However, he is also my lover and friend. The sex we have has no limits, because it’s emotional and based on love. It is the strangest and most confusing scenario I’ve encountered, the Sheik and I.

My hormones are raging this week. I am flushed with desire. I can’t wait to see the Sheik and unleash these desires.


Filed under Sex