So…I tried to end things with him (the Sheik, my Saudi client/lover) yesterday, for the second time. First I said we need to talk, and over the phone I explained to him why its better for us to separate now. But of course, it didn’t work. He loves me and I love him, which is our problem.
Instead, he rushed over to my apartment, because he said he needed to see me. We talked about “us”…but came to no conclusion. He said he can’t let me go, and how much he loves me. He playfully calls me his wife, and talks romantically about taking me back to SA. I hate it. It makes me angry…because it’s impossible. I was hoping he would give me comfort and talk about ‘a’ future together, but he didn’t.
He stayed over, and we woke up this morning together in loving embrace. I really don’t know what to do with him. We love each other, and there is no future for us. I ask myself what is the point of this relationship? He still pays me generously, but can money make up for the fact we have no future?
Ironically, the rest of the night was actually quite lovely with my Saudi love. We made love, and I felt at ease. I was so relaxed with him. I laid back and let him tease me until I felt ultimate pleasure. He ended up giving me the most intense pleasure as a result. I truly feel like we are just addicted to each other, even though we both know there is no future benefit.
After he left in the morning, my anger reemerged. Numerous questions floated in my mind. How can he really love me if he knows he can’t marry me? Doesn’t he think of how heart-broken I will be when he has to leave? Sometimes I am convinced that I’m just his foreign “Arab-like” whore, but then why is he is yearning to do everything that couples do?