Monthly Archives: April 2011

Stained Veil – How did I end up selling my body?

Often, I sit for hours at night, trying to piece together the reasons I went against social norms and decided to have sex for money. Even more so, how did a girl, from my cultural upbringing, join such an industry?  I could attribute part to instability in my family, but that alone isn’t the main factor. There are many social factors of contemporary Western society that are driving women to sex work. Immense pressure to succeed, to be independent, to be sexy, to appear luxurious — these shallow values, sadly, are projected on young minds. The overarching cause of women entering the sex industry is due to Western-Liberal political, social and economic values. These cause instability in families, influence women to objectify themselves via popular media, leave limited options for women who do not desire ‘normal’ low-pay jobs, etc…

As mentioned, my origins are from the East. However, I did not have an entirely traditional upbringing. My Mother is a modern woman, whose own childhood was filled with strictness, and as a result she chose to raise her children (me) in a relatively relaxed manner. Ironically, I often wished my Mother was more strict with me, because her lack of discipline lead to my insatiable curiosity. Yet I don’t blame her, as she could not have foreseen the implications of raising children in a new country.

My Mother, in her younger days, was a very beautiful and desirable woman. So beautiful, young, and naive. And unfortunately, her beauty captivated a womanizing man such a my Father. My Father neglected and mistreated my Mother, as with all the women he’s had. Thankfully, my Mother had more than just her beauty, and she was brave enough to leave my Father. In our culture, divorce, especially occurring 20-odd years ago, was taboo, and sometimes equated to social-suicide in Eastern cultures.

The brick-wall of family security was broken shortly after my birth, but nonetheless my Mother remarried to a good man. I grew up in a middle to upper class neighbourhood, and my peers and I were accustomed to always having the best of the best. In many ways, I was a privileged child, and overly indulged (which hurt me later, as being privileged made me unable to accept the transition of being relatively poor years later). When I entered high-school, my family security broke. My Mother became separated, and our family socioeconomic status went dwindling. It was a difficult transition.

During subsequent years, my innocence faded. I developed insecurities that I believe stemmed from growing pressures of being a young lady in a Western society. I was growing into a woman, a very attractive young girl. I was getting lots of attention from men, and I liked it. Somehow, I believed I had to please everyone. I started to realize how my looks opened doors, and made people desire me (the wrong people, of course). However, I had a mind. I was well-traveled as a teenager, and seeing so many countries and cultures didn’t allow me to neglect my mind. The fact that my mind was constantly observing life, trying to analyze things, often lead me to feel isolated. I adored the attention I got for my beauty, but I also felt deeply neglected as a person. I internalized this idea (thanks to the media) that my worth was based on my beauty only — back then, I had no idea that shallowness equates to emptiness.

When I first had sex for money, I was barely of legal age. I was still finishing my last month of high-school. I was conflicted between two sides of myself: the one that was passionate about the world and knowledge, and the other side who was consumed by society and it’s pressures to be attractive. My curious mind lead to look at the “escorting” section of the daily newspaper. I was curious what these ads were about. I didn’t even know what an ‘escort’ was. I thought prostitutes could only be desperate women with heavy drug problems. I had no idea that beautiful girls have sex with business men and get paid for it. But once I discovered the financial rewards, I was seduced by the idea of selling myself — it was my ticket to living a more ‘comfortable’ life.

So I tried it. I worked one night. I slept with men, all of whom were decent and treated me with respect. Most of them were business men, some had wives or didn’t. I made a lot of money, and without effort. At that time I had no idea what “good” sex was. I didn’t realize that men got so easily aroused by just looking at me, and that the actual sex only lasts under a minute. I liked the fact that I didn’t have to do anything ‘disgusting’ and condoms were mandatory for my protection. Strangely enough, I felt empowered by the money and the admiration from men. Despite that, I was terrified to do it again after my first try. I never thought I would do it again..

But what happens is that……the money, the lack of effort and the quickness of it, the admiration of men….becomes an addiction.

After six months, I tried again. Like the first time, I stopped and swore I couldn’t do it again. But it was just too easy, and the clients treated me so well. So I went back, and it slowly turned into a lifestyle. Thanks to God, my family condition improve and went back to middle-class status. Initially, I worked periodically to fund all my desires for luxury, as I had felt deeply deprived. Sadly, back then, I had internalized the idea of shallow beauty. With the money, I transformed myself into an elegant, elite young lady, draped in designer clothes and items.

Only later, I realized that this job came with implications….

…to be continued

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Coping with stress..

I once heard a joke that said, “How can you leave your house without being high and not cry??” Indeed, being ‘numb’ makes life easier. However, I hate drugs. I am not really keen on alcohol (I barely drank before, and never drink now). But…I do have weaknesses: tea and cigarettes.

Unfortunately….I have started smoking, again. Thank goodness it’s not that severe (yet)..but I’m worried these “puffs” here and there will evolve to being a full-time smoker, again. I’m so angry at myself.

I had successfully quit for over two years, on the advice of my ex-fiancee. My smoking life was short-lived back then, as I only smoked full-time for just over one year.

I blame my smoking on my own stupidity, and my travels through Europe, particularly the Eastern bloc, a few years ago.

So why did I start again? Well, I can blame it on the Saudi boys. I would say 98 percent of the Saudi students I’ve encounter are smokers, mostly chain-smokers.

I really do not want to pollute my lungs, yet the addiction is consuming me. This week I have my final exams for uni…so I’m turning to large amounts of tea and cigarettes for comfort (I would try orgasms, but they distract me from my studying).

I’m hoping I will kick this unhealthy habit by the weeks end. So smoking is quite icky in my view (for myself, that is).

My other addiction, which is only harmful for my mental state, is my mobile phone and laptop! I swear, my life was much better when I didn’t have people sms (texting) or emailing me at all hours of the day. Like the smoking, I’m hoping to cut out (or downsize) various technology from my life.

I can’t help but thinking of myself ending up like Samia Gamal’s character in “A Glass and a Cigarette.” It’s a very old Egyptian film starring the lovely Samia Gamal as a belly dancer (the equivalent to being a stripper among Egyptian society during that time) who’s life goes turmoil with her bad habits.

Anyway, I have to get back to studying. However, I have much to write about. I have been thinking of the Saudi male mentality and their ‘heavily disguised’ self-serving attitude towards their non-Saudi girlfriends….(more to come)..

*Oh and I want to touch bases one day on khaleeji’s and their frequent trips to neighbouring countries (Bahrain, UAE, Kuwait, Syria, Morocco) for the purpose of having sex with girls (mostly prostitutes).

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Loving a man who can’t promise me the world…….

So…I tried to end things with him (the Sheik, my Saudi client/lover) yesterday, for the second time. First I said we need to talk, and over the phone I explained to him why its better for us to separate now. But of course, it didn’t work. He loves me and I love him, which is our problem.

Instead, he rushed over to my apartment, because he said he needed to see me. We talked about “us”…but came to no conclusion. He said he can’t let me go, and how much he loves me. He playfully calls me his wife, and talks romantically about taking me back to SA. I hate it. It makes me angry…because it’s impossible. I was hoping he would give me comfort and talk about ‘a’ future together, but he didn’t.

He stayed over, and we woke up this morning together in loving embrace. I really don’t know what to do with him. We love each other, and there is no future for us. I ask myself what is the point of this relationship? He still pays me generously, but can money make up for the fact we have no future?

Ironically, the rest of the night was actually quite lovely with my Saudi love. We made love, and I felt at ease. I was so relaxed with him. I laid back and let him tease me until I felt ultimate pleasure. He ended up giving me the most intense pleasure as a result. I truly feel like we are just addicted to each other, even though we both know there is no future benefit.

After he left in the morning, my anger reemerged. Numerous questions floated in my mind. How can he really love me if he knows he can’t marry me? Doesn’t he think of how heart-broken I will be when he has to leave? Sometimes I am convinced that I’m just his foreign “Arab-like” whore, but then why is he is yearning to do everything that couples do?

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