Rich and Broken-Hearted

December was a good month. Now it is the New Year 2011. The money was made (and a generous portion of it spent!) and I feel empty again.

After periods of breaks, I started working independently as an escort last month. My rates were slightly higher than the going rate for high-class companionship. My phone rang continuously after minimal advertising and continues to ring. I felt very thankful, because I was not sure what to expect. My rates were high, and my service was safe. In the escorting world, most girls who want to charge high rates have to include more ‘extras’ apart from just sex with a condom…..which I simply refuse to do. So I feel thankful. I had a handful of clients that I didn’t even have to sleep with. This is where escorting becomes addictive: when I have clients who pay lots of money for a relatively easy session (ex: minimal work for me).

Yet I sit here. Depressed. Lonely. Full of doubt and uncertainty.

I have been a high class prostitute for nearly five years now. However, I have never done this work full-time, and have had many breaks/vacations in these years. I started in my late teens and now am in my early-mid twenties.

My ex-fiance brought up a great point in a conversation the other day: “I have made a lot of money and it never made me happy.” This is also true for myself. In the five years I’ve been in the sex industry I have made quite a bit of money, traveled the world, owned most of the material possessions I’ve wanted (except the big one, purchasing a home)…and yet I’ve never been satisfied. And even worse, I have saved nothing. Money that comes easy goes very easily. The old cliché is something I truly believe: more money, more problems.

This blog is about the reality of getting into ‘high-class’ prostitution. I used quotations on ‘high-class’ because the term can often distort the reality. The elegance and glamor of escorting is mostly a facade. It really comes down to SEX — sadly, in most cases, the sex is meaningless between escorts and clients. Yes, sex can be the most spiritual, beautiful experience of two people, but only when true chemistry is established. The reality is that most escorts and clients are not having amazing chemistry. In my own experiences, I do establish chemistry with some of my clients indeed (I enjoy talented men), but my experiences of enjoying clients is certainty not the case for the majority of other escorts. In my blog, I will hopefully get to talk about things from ‘The Girlfriend Experience’ to the types of clients I encounter. I will also mention great books or films I watch that depict the lives/memoirs of other working girls.

Last time I re-read the last few chapters of a book called, “Disgraced” by Saira Ahmed. It’s about a Pakistani-Muslim girl who became a high-class escort. In the last few chapters she discusses her entering and leaving of the escort business. A few times her recollections have brought me to tears when she speaks about how it changed her view of men and her relationships. She was no longer able to see life with blissful ignorance…

At this moment, I am reminded of my ex and I. I still love him. I left him a few months ago….on my own selfish whim.

Being with him for 2.5 years made me realize that I can’t revert to the ‘normal’ life. Back then, however, I assumed that I could easily quit escorting and transition to live a ‘normal’ life when I was ready. In reality, however, it’s not easy to erase an entire lifestyle that has shaped me. It’s impossible to erase my unique ‘taboo’ experiences. It may seem silly to say that but the reality is I cannot quit the industry. Most working girls will understand what I am talking about, because many of them have also tried to leave only to find themselves coming back after ‘breaks.’

I have tried leaving the industry three times now. The last time I tried to leave is because I met the man of my dreams. He was a former client of mine. I thought I could give up my work for love, but I realized it’s not so easy (even when my lover is providing for me financially). Every time I had quit, I yearned to go back to escorting — I started to miss my independence and autonomy.

I met my ex fiance in a new context. I was living overseas in a new country and big city. At first I established myself with a new job that was what us girls call a ‘straight job’ (meaning it wasn’t in the sex industry).  It was in retail. I worked full-time for eight hours each day and made petty money. It didn’t matter because it was just part of the experience of living in a new country for a while. Part of the reason I moved overseas was to stop working in the industry and change my lifestyle and habits. Clearly, back then, I internalized the idea that sex work is harming me. But then, later, I realize I just needed to change my habits — I wanted to be less materialistic and more humble. In my early days, I was using escorting to fuel my ego and consumer habits, which was leaving me feeling empty and shallow. But otherwise, my experiences with clients was actually empowering, which I enjoyed.

Anyway, the retail job overseas only lasted a month until I started missing the easy-pace lifestyle of escorting. The money of escorting is addicting, yet one also becomes accustomed to the self-paced lifestyle and admiration from men. But living a double life made escorting hard. In my ‘normal’ job, I was working so hard, but kept reminding myself that a whole week’s worth of wages is something I could make in 1 hour with a client. Why was I slaving myself for petty pay when I could be paid to essentially get pleasure? That’s what I told myself. Indeed there were many clients I encountered who literally paid me to give me pleasure. With clients, there’s the good, and then there is the average. Most of the men are decent looking and polite. Over the last five years I can only recall maybe 2 or 3 clients that were problematic, but nothing life threatening. Again, I am thankful that I haven’t encountered a dangerous client yet, because I know there a predators out there.

Back to my venture overseas. I ended up going back to the industry. I looked at the local papers and saw hundreds of advertising for escorts, brothels, and massage parlors. I was in a country where prostitution was legal. I wasn’t keen on escorting (going to a client’s hotel), so I decided to try a high-end brothel establishment. I called up one that was located in a posh area, and the following Saturday I ended up working. I made a lot of money that night, and ended up working until the early morning. The following shifts followed the same pattern. I felt great again. Whenever I got back to the industry I felt like I was on top of the world, because the money seemed endless and my ego was inflated. A couple months after going back to the industry in this new country I met my boyfriend (fiance).

I remember the night vividly. I wasn’t even supposed to work that night, but I came into work. Before I even got dressed in my lingerie, the receptionist asked me if I wanted to meet a client in the waiting room. She told me that I was exactly his type: busty, exotic and very attractive. So I went to say hi to him in my normal clothes and he was besotted by my presence. He made an expensive 3 hour booking with me. During those hours, I came to realize that he wasn’t looking solely for sex. From the very beginning, I could see he respected me so much, and he only wanted to do whatever I wanted. He told me about his life: he works all the time, Muslim, alone, doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out too much. Yet he was interested in all the things I liked, such as poetry and cultural traditions (we were from similar origins). From the first meeting, I felt very comfortable with him. The fact he wasn’t touching me, or making a grab for my breasts (like most men do) made me feel I could trust him. I was quite horny that night. Since he was exceptionally polite and refraining from touching me, I felt eager to give him my body. He wanted to see my pleasure first, and kissed my whole body, licking between my legs so lovingly. I crossed my limit and kissed him passionately, as I felt he was special. It was a beautiful first impression. He asked for my number. I told him bluntly that I don’t go out with clients outside of work, but I still gave him my number. Many men ask to take me out, and a few times in the past I had gone with them only to regret it later. But for some reason I trusted him.

I told him I was craving a specific ethnic cuisine, so on our first meeting he took me to a beautiful restaurant overlooking the city. He retained his immense hospitality, respect and generousity. He bombarded me with gifts that night. Not only gifts, but he wrote me beautiful poetry. I did not know how to react. He made me feel like a princess, and his gifts were specially tailored to my personality. My mind always assumed anyone giving me something always had a catch. But I could tell his gifts were from his heart and genuine. He said very honestly that he didn’t expect anything in return. He said, “What makes me happy is seeing you smile.” And his words were legitimate. He wasn’t trying to sleep with me. I had already set my mind that I would not have sex with a client for free. If he were to try to touch me or act sexual I would leave immediately. But he treated me with paramount comfort. The fact that he did not touch me or make a move drove my hormones wild. Instead I gave him a small kiss. But the kiss made both of us melt. That one small kiss ended up into us kissing for hours, literally. Even after kissing he still respectfully kept his hands off my body. Again, most men can’t keep their hands off me, so his patience made me more attracted to him. Finally I motioned him to do something (anything) to my deeply aroused body. So he decided we lay in his bed and cuddle. First he started by softly caressing my body, as if I was a Queen Goddess being served by her humble servant. He kissed my entire body for another 2 hours (literally), teasing me respectfully on literally every inch of my body. His touch was pure admiration, because he went very slowly, enjoying each area with detailed care. This is the ultimate teasing, and his touch was a manifestation of his philosophy. As he used to say, “the best things must occur very slowly and with care. There is no true beauty when things are rushed.” This made me even more aroused, yet I let him continue his magic.  Then he kissed my thighs and slowly started to kiss between my extremely aroused pussy. He did it for over an hour, teasing me and breaking my climaxes — he purposely was edging me. I had the most intense orgasm ever, and the whole time he was brimming hard. He loved to drive me crazy, to the point where I’m shaking.

After that, he still continued to amaze me. After I had orgasm, he just laid back and cuddled me. He was brimming hard, so I thought he would have expected something in return, but he didn’t. He was humble and said he enjoyed giving me pleasure. That made me want to give him pleasure too. So of course, we had to make love. I adore reciprocating pleasure to very talented lovers.

After that first date, I thought of him as a great person and new friend. But, ironically, I did not want to date him and didn’t even think about it. We continued seeing each other and he eventually asked me, “So, are you my girlfriend?” I wasn’t sure what to say because I had not even considered it. I said yes…hesitantly.  We stayed together from then on and he continued to give me the best orgasms every day of our relationship. My ex loved to give me pleasure, whether it was in sex or cooking for me, or writing love poems. 2.5  years later we moved across the world together, got engaged, and then turmoil began. Now, we are living on opposite sides of the world. I left him. I wanted to leave him many times, despite loving him. I realize, now, how accustom I am to my escorting job. I thought I wanted to leave escorting for the ‘perfect’ man, yet I realized (at that moment) that I preferred taking care of myself and having my own autonomy.

And now I love him. And now I need him. But in my own selfishness, I chose my independence over him. In particular, I chose escorting over him. Isn’t it ironic, now, that I have all that I want, and yet I’m unhappy.

I think I see the reality now: a life pursuing only money is worthless.

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

10 responses to “Rich and Broken-Hearted

  1. MissMoti

    By far the best blog I have read. It’s always a pleasure to read from a writer who is real and that too I can relate to.

  2. Dorian

    This is more or less what I was looking for in terms of how to please a woman. It would be nice if you could go into detail to what pleases women in general. A crash course if you will. One of your other posts talk about the more experienced men…..what is it that sets these men apart from the others?

    • escortdiary

      You can not simplify such a question….it really depends on the context. Perhaps I will dedicate a post related to this topic

  3. Sky

    Hi, I came across this site when I was trying to understand the Japanese AV industry. I have had a lot of questions on why girls enter it, and whether they have regrets. Your site was insightful.

    I know this might sound dumb, but what is it that forms the bulk of your expenditure?
    What do you like to spend on that fuels your need to keep escorting?
    I understand the emotional need that maybe fuels the need to spend maybe, but I’m just a bit curious.

    • escortdiary

      Great question. Several years ago when I first started this work I used to spend my money on designer items (clothes, shoes, handbags) to gain a sense of luxury/status. Escorting also fueled my travel interests: I would travel extensively to remote foreign destinations for my own personal interest. I never saved back then.

      Now, my spending is different. Escorting fuels my desire to live a comfortable lifestyle in a nice place with nice things while I’m studying full-time. A bulk of my earnings also goes to savings.

      The Japanese AV industry would be fascinating to observe. There are lots of articles stating that Japanese women feel tremendous pressure to have expensive status items (such as designer goods), so as a result many enter adult work in it’s various forms. Japanese society adopted and embraced a lot of Western ideals, such as individualism and materialism, which I feel are huge factors that influence participation in adult work.

  4. kcoo

    Wow! This is my story. I feel like I am reading my own life, its uncanny. I guess people really are not so different and somewhere someone is living, and feeling all the same things.

  5. simrat1969

    Dear Sahar
    The more i read your blog the more insight it gives me in to the world of escorting
    i have never met any escort in real life and niether intend to . however is it possible for you to recognise an escort lady from a normal one at an international airport
    Since I have not travelled outside my country pl tell me which all countries/ cities have you travelled and how you liked or disliked a country
    From your blog it appears that the muslim people are most of your clients. however are ther people from oter religions / nationalities that you worked for and did you find any difference among them
    What do you mean by
    ” In the escorting world most girls who want to charge high rates have to include more ‘extras’ apart from just sex with a condom…..which I simply refuse to do”
    Do you do Sex with condom and what extras are you talking about
    Warm regards
    Simrat

  6. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

    I was researching about the differences between “bitch” and “whore” and I clicked on your post. I’ve read a few articles and I’m honestly astonished. Really.
    I have always been ashamed of my body, afraid of being an object of desire. I’ve been so insecure about it all my life. I’ve even thought that I was born to be used and never loved. And I found you.
    The way that you write and the time you invest researching to express your ideas is very genuine, and something most people lack of.
    “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul and have a body” is a C.S. Lewis quotation that came to my mind. That’s what we are and yet we overdose ourselves with all these philosophies that left us broken, distant with a narrow view (of anything), selfishness and careless hearts.
    I feel like I have found myself in you. You reflect some of the things that I used to see and think, that sadly threw away because it doesn’t suit in our surroundings. But you gave me strength to stand tall, lift my head and stay true to my only prize possession, my mind (that’s enriching with other’s perspectives) and my heart (full of respect and consideration).
    So, thank you.
    Goodnight, beautiful, brilliant and brave lady 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s