A Prostitutes Origins: Broken in Pieces

Dear Readers, 

I don’t want to dampen your day. My blog speaks a lot on the topic of pain. I am not always a depressed person. I have learnt to be quite thankful and positive about life situations. However, pain is an inevitable part of life. When pain happens, I have no outlet to express myself in real life. I don’t like to talk about my sadness with others — so this blog is an outlet for myself. Even though I speak about dark things, please know that I have an optimistic perspective of life (and have optimism for those in a similar situation). Whatever happens in life is always for a purpose. Broken pieces can be put back together. And although scars remain, only scars produce the following beautiful, invaluable traits: character, substance, passion.

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Almost all prostitute comes from a history of pain. It might have started in their childhood, teens or early adulthood. It might have been a neglectful or abusive parent(s) or exploitation and trauma from home or outsiders. A woman who is loved properly and is well protected is very unlikely to become a prostitute. The sex industry pulls women from downtrodden backgrounds.

I come from a dysfunctional, broken family. Never had a Father figure. At times, I was prey for predators. Being a child or teen without strong familial protection makes one ripe to many societal ills and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My siblings and I all had issues due to coming from our dysfunctional family — I became a prostitute, my brothers used to sell drugs and my sister developed an intolerable and spiteful character. We all coped in unhealthy ways also. Pain and trauma usually leads a child into two directions when they become an adult: they can become abusive/neglectful themselves (because that’s all know how to beand/or they resort to drugs, drinking, and other self-destructive habits to cope. One can only hope to heal by becoming introspective and developing empathy for oneself and others. Part of healing is unlearning the self-destructive coping mechanisms, unlearning the negativity, unlearning the pain that has shaped oneself. That’s where I find myself — unlearning, trying to understand, trying to heal.

One would never guess that I come from a broken family. I do very well at hiding everything. If need be, I can speak intellectually, dress well-to-do and behave eloquently and cheerful. My “normal” persona gives off the idea that I come from a decent family and that I went through life relatively unscathed — which is misleading. In reality, I come from a family that has experienced drive by shootings, addictions, domestic violence, criminal activity, suicides and certain family members serving prison sentences. And, of course, I added prostitution to our lovely family legacy. Having said that, I love my family deeply. My family also has many good aspects–and thankfully, certain family members have improved themselves and their situations. I am grateful for my background and family. My character and passion comes from the struggle — it wouldn’t have come from an easy life, unscathed.

Even when I feel strong and determined, pain still remains from all the brokenness. When I see my younger relatives with deep scars from cutting themselves on my their arms, I get sad. When I hear that a teenager has already lost hope for life, I want to die inside. What causes a young boy or girl to slit their wrists? My heart breaks knowing I cannot even reach out to give them hope and tell them I will give my life to make them happy. When I see a monster who abuses, exploits and harms innocent elders or young ones, I boil up with anger. I wish everyone was well prepared for the monsters in this world — who seek to harm, abuse, exploit the vulnerable. I cry to imagine any child having to go through the events I have seen, and I feel grief knowing that this trauma is still happening.

I have accepted there can’t be any consistent peace. My family is fragile, and I have to learn how to reconcile my own desire to have stability with a very unstable situation. Soon, it will be the 6 year anniversary of a loved ones suicide. I play her favorite songs, and cry thinking about her. I miss her so much. I just want to hug her. I just want to laugh with her. I get angry thinking about the generational trauma that inevitably caused her suicide — a Mother from a broken family who gave birth to children in a broken family, a Mother who was abused and then became abusive herself. An abused child who grew up, became exploited and got addicted to the drugs and alcohol they turned to at a young age to cope. I remember when the idea of suicide came to me in my early twenties. I made the realization I couldn’t do it, because I am deeply worried about the younger kin of my family. I thought, “If I have no hope, then what hope would they have?” I wanted to be strong for them. But sadly, history repeats itself in generational trauma — most don’t step back and learn from the generational trauma, they get consumed by it and become it.

All these feelings, I cannot share so easily. I sometimes feel isolated because my peers consist of normal individuals with relatively normal, decent families. I write on this blog as my outlet.

This is the life of a prostitute. My heart hurts today. I breath deeply to soothe myself. If a client comes, I cannot show my pain. When a friend has a celebration, I cannot show my pain. I put on my smile, and try not to think of the tragic things that have happened. I am sometimes amazed that I haven’t resorted to drugs or other intoxicants to numb myself — I saw so much drug abuse in my family that I am terrified of alcohol and drugs.

That’s why love becomes so special to a person who comes from a background of trauma — this idea that we can relax our heart and let ourselves be vulnerable in a way that (hopefully) won’t hurt us. We crave the things that were denied to us: wholesome love, protection, trust and security. But when love has hurt you from it’s origins (starting from the family), then love is something to be feared.

Be kind to prostitutes…

The reason that many prostitutes take drugs or drink is because their pain/trauma is so unbearable that they want to feel numb. Most prostitutes have post-traumatic-stress-disorder to varying degrees.

When I see the hatred that society and specific people have towards prostitutes, I feel sad to know there is such a lack of understanding and empathy. I feel sad to realize how quick people are to condemn women who resorted to a career that only pulls in women who have no proper protection or care from family.

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PS. This post is less concerning me, but rather expressing the pain I feel for others….

 

Please pray for those who have lost hope, to those who have no protectors, to those who are suffering silently…..my heart cries for you. 

 

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Plastic Surgery in the Sex Industry: An Escort’s Insight

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Fun Fact: A lot of escorts/strippers and other kinds of sex workers have undergone plastic surgery and other cosmetic enhancements. It’s very common for an escort to have breast implants, lip injections, eyelash extensions, fake tans, fake hair, and depending on what part of the world you are in, a big fake ass.

My first day working in a brothel was mesmerizing. All the girls were done up glamourously. At least half had fake boobs, almost all had artificially plumped lips and hair extensions. And then walks in me, a shy 19 year old girl who has had nothing done.

And just over a decade later….it’s perhaps shocking that I haven’t had any surgery or enhancements yet. In fact, I’ve essentially had the same look during my entire career as escort. I will explain why later below..

Girls get enhancements because they want to be a fantasy girl for their clients (and prospective men/clients). One cannot deny that most men turn their heads or even may walk into a pole upon seeing a sexy woman, especially if she has breasts or a butt that are well accentuated. I have previously mentioned on my blog that clients come to see escorts as an “escape” from the stresses of real life. For many clients, their fantasy is to be with a woman who differs from the “everyday” woman. Escorts, for instance, dress up in high heels, lingerie, soft or full glam makeup, and, often with the help of plastic surgery, many escorts also have exaggerated feminine body parts.

Having said that, clients all have different versions of what makes the ideal ‘fantasy girl.’ Not everyone idealizes the stereotypical vixen look. Some clients are into natural or more ‘everyday’ looks in women. I had a client who once requested me to dress down into comfortable clothing rather than my usual lingerie and heels attire. Generally, all men have different tastes and desires. This means that women should, ideally, try to feel content being themselves rather than resorting to plastic surgery to conform to today’s beauty ideals.

I made a plethora of observations when I used to work in a brothel many years back. Usually 10-20 girls would stand in a line up and a client would pick a girl. I learnt that all sorts of women are desired for different reasons. Ladies with overt feminine assets, however, tended to be more popular in getting chosen in line ups. Endowed breasts, a beautiful face, a nice hair style, a nice bum and nice skin were traits that were frequently preferred. A pretty faced woman with small breasts or very petite frame could also do well. Sometimes assets like breast size were not as important to certain clients who had race preferences. For instance, men with “Asian fever” might have a preference for black hair and Asian facial features, or might prefer a certain race for cultural and social familiarity.

Many escorts believe if they had bigger lips, bigger boobs, and a smaller waist, for instance, they will attract more men. They make this assumption based off observing how men behaved in the presence of a sexy woman who had traits considered highly desirable. So these escorts decide to go under the knife and pay for other beauty enhancements to attract more male attention. These days, its almost the norm to see an escort who with breast implants, injected plump lips, heavy sultry makeup, and now, even fake butts and snatched waists from liposuction. Is it a good idea for escorts to get plastic surgery? Are you a woman thinking about plastic surgery? I will answer that later in this article…

And what about boring ol’ me?

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I was 19 years old, and it was my first day working in an brothel. Shy and nervous, completely innocent. When I first walked in the ladies room, I was mesmerized by the girls who worked there. They all had designer handbags, long hair, lovely bodies, beautiful make up, healthy tans and pretty lingerie. For my first shift, I had prepared by buying a new pair of sexy clear high heels, a turquoise lace baby doll over a matching bra and thong. I felt completely unglamorous compared to the other girls. But once I dressed up, and went in my first line up, I was shocked that I, completely naive and clueless, was popular. I then realized how blessed I was to be naturally sexy. I was a fantasy girl. It took minimal effort for me to attract clients. It’s not that I was or am exceptionally beautiful. But I have exotic features, a buxom physique, a pretty face and an overall a “sexy” girl-next-door look. I have natural physical assets that other women sometimes pay for. I have big natural breasts and a bum. I am consider voluptuous, neither skinny nor fat.

Salma-Hayek-SultrySince then, I’ve maintained the same look and never felt a need so far to change anything drastically (that can change, however). While in escort mode, I have also maintained the same style. I wear tight, elegant lingerie with ample cleavage, sexy heels, do my nails, do sultry makeup. From a young age, I’ve always loved exotic women with a natural sexiness and often looked to them for inspiration. One of my favorite looks is Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn — dark red lips, dark hair, gold anklets and jewelry.

So is Sahar flawless? No. Like most people, I have physical flaws. My nose could be smaller, my waist could be smaller. I definitely have to be mindful of what I eat, as I gain weight easily. I am also aging in visible ways. Indeed, these flaws induce feelings of insecurities at times. But, for now, I am grateful for my flaws and see them as a positive rather than negative. Any naturally busty woman with some hips will have a bit of a tummy and thighs. Big natural breasts also cannot defy gravity and as such will sag a bit. In the Western world, many women are obsessed with perky boobs and flat tummies. If I did some nip/tuck, I might convince myself that I’ll attain some sort of ‘perfection.’  The thing is, I kind of like my flaws, such as my soft tummy. It matches my body, it makes everything look proportioned. I have had lovers and clients who adore my soft tummy and thick thighs. I had lovers/clients who said I look even sexier during the times I put on 10-15 lbs than my normal weight. I even learnt that some men with big natural boob fetishes are overjoyed with the natural sagging and stretch marks that often come with the package.

Throughout my career, I became curious as to what asset or trait, specifically, attracted my clients. I usually ask clients, “So, why did you come to see me? Are you into big boobs? Pretty Ethnic women? The whole package? Many do indeed come for my curvy assets, but there are many other reasons. Some men say they like the way I spoke, wrote and conducted myself on my website, as I seemed “sophisticated.” Some come because of my ethnicity — they like the beauty of women from a certain region. Some come for my feet, or perhaps services I offer, such as role-play or domination. Some even come just for the way I smell! I discovered a few clients are not even boob men, but said they love my face. But overall, most clients say they enjoy my personality. The point is, the true desirability of a woman is a combination of beauty and brains.

The bottom line is two things:

  1. A woman is desirable for many things beyond her looks. Physical beauty is essential, but personality is crucial in keeping decent clientele returning.
  2. No woman can ever be perfect and attract every man, period. Perfection does not exist. For one man, big boobs and ass is their ideal, but for another man, a less curvy slim woman is their ideal. Over all, most decent men seek to establish an emotional/mental connection in addition to physical attraction. Decent men know that there is much more to a woman than her bodily assets alone.

All women need to realize the most sexiest thing a woman can have is confidence. Confidence comes from feeling comfortable in your skin, and accepting yourself (flaws and all). What’s considered a “flaw” by one is considered beautiful by another. Beauty is all about perspective. As an escort, I have seen all sorts of women be desired for a variety reasons — confidence is always what has men coming back for more as a regular client. So the question remains…..

Should an Escort (or Any Woman) Get Plastic Surgery?

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I am not against plastic surgery, but I am not an advocate for it either. It depends on the procedure one is getting and the reasonings for it.

What if the reason to get plastic surgery is vanity? Ideally, I’d advise against plastic surgery. I would advise one to work on their self-esteem, and stop comparing themselves to trends or people in society. A lot of the social media figures/models often do not even look like their own photos — there is a lot of deception on TV and on social media. Photoshop and Apps like Facetune can turn an average looking woman into a perfectly shaped hour glass model, and moreover conceal the scars/flaws/complications from plastic surgery. There are a lot of complications from plastic surgery and also long term, possibly dire, consequences. It’s also important to note that big businesses purposely wants people to dislike themselves and buy things to make them feel worthy (celebs and social media influencers get paid to endorse/push this narrative through advertising).

The reality is: A lot of escorts get work done under the assumption it will bring in more work ($$$). Indeed an escort isn’t wrong in wanting to invest into herself to get ahead, but is plastic surgery necessary in getting ahead? The question one needs to ask is this: will plastic surgery be good for her in the long term? I have mixed feelings about it, because I have seen many escorts get plastic surgery and due to their self esteem issues they end up attracting bad clients/partners (which is usually followed by a heavy partying lifestyle, more plastic surgery and the end result looking crazy). On the other hand, I have seen escorts who did moderate cosmetic work and were fine. And of course, a natural woman who takes care of herself can do well too.

Cosmetic alternations are very common these days. It’s due to living in a climate where women are under immense pressure to conform to unrealistic beauty standards. Many men also have become brainwashed through pop culture and porn to have unrealistic expectations of women.

Instead of plastic surgery, one can work on improving their self esteem by eating healthy, exercising and surrounding themselves with genuine, wholesome people. At the end of the day, people feel content when they feel loved and belong. Plastic surgery will not solve deeper issues of low self esteem and the need the be loved. Plastic surgery may give one attention, but it’s often attention from people who only care about superficial traits in other people. If one absolutely feels they must get cosmetic enhancements, then I can only suggest to be moderate. Everyone has the right to do what they like with their body. The importance is finding a balance between mind, body and soul. 

Again, not all attention is good attention. Attention for being viewed as sexy is often shallow. In the long run, it’s not a great feeling to get attention solely for superficial things. Or maybe it’s just me. My soul craves depth, and I want to be seen as more than just a sex object.

Having plastic surgery as an escort WILL change the type of men/clients you attract.

When getting plastic surgery (depending on how extreme it is), an escort must realize their new look will change how men are attracted to them (and treat them). In escorting, there some clients do not like plastic surgery, some whom are indifferent to it, and then some who like it. Moderate plastic surgery that looks natural and proportioned is usually more acceptable among the diverse pool of men/clients. But excessive, overt plastic surgery (obvious breast implants, big fake lips, etc) are usually desired by the worst kind of men (aka dusty’s, creeps, fuckboys, soulless types). For the most part, decent men are not big fans of the extreme plastic look. And if they are do show interest, it’s for very shallow reasons (ie: a one-time-only curiosity).

In my “Types of Clients” post, I wrote about a type of client who has the “Madonna-Whore Complex.” This type of client goes for the ‘cosmetically enhanced barbie doll’ with very large breast implants, large lips, etc. He likes this type of woman because he preys on the low self-esteem that caused these women to turn themselves into sex dolls. He takes advantage of their poor self-worth and treats them like trash. He see’s them as the epitome of a whore, in a derogatory sense. He wants to fuck them aggressively and cares little for their comfort or needs. He usually fucks once, and then is onto the next. I have seen many pretty “barbie” types be treated very poorly men — these kind of women succeed in attracting shallow, naive or dusty men, but sadly deter (distance) themselves from meeting with wholesome, decent men. This happens because these women invest everything into their looks at the expense of developing a personality (personality is important for wholesome, decent men).

I feel sad for these kinds of girls, because as mentioned, they are magnets for men who literally see them as an object. These type of escorts unfortunately are usually lost women who became exploited by a pimp or were severely harmed by male lover. As an escort, they attract party clients (aka coke-heads), shallow types who want a temporary trophy, and aggressive men (the “Madonna-Whore Complex’ type). Often, these women end up doing a lot of party drugs to cope with the empty feeling of being extremely emotionally neglected — they are trapped in being the exaggerated fantasy woman and lost their true self in the process. This description is not intended to hate or judge these women –I worked with many of these girls and noticed these patterns and the clients they attracted.  There is hope in all situations for all people. A woman who went down this route of extreme vanity can still heal from her pain and change the dynamics in her life.

In essence, any lady who is considering surgical enhancements needs to think about the physical, emotional and social consequences.

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Ladies: What are your thoughts? Have you had work done? Would you or would you not promote plastic surgery? 

Men: What are your thoughts on plastic surgery? 

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Topics about Escorts, Clients & Sex

Dear Readers: Help me choose what I should talk about for my next post. I am always writing drafts about escorting, sex, clients, relationships and so forth. Below are a list of titles of topics that I have written drafts about in recent months. (I apologize in advance for the vulgarity of the titles)

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  1. Fetishes, Domination, & the Joys of Roleplay as an Escort.

  2. Prostitutes who Scam Men.

  3. Healing your Trauma as a Sex Worker

  4. The Truth About Escort Reviews.

  5. My Experience with Pimps & Pimped Escorts

  6. Who has the Best Dick?

  7. Who has the Worst Dick?

  8. Self Love While Being a Prostitute.

  9. When He Drowns in Her Thickness. 

  10. Prostitutes, Plastic Surgery & Body Image.

  11. Self Love, City Girls, & Staying Positive as a Female Hustler. 

     

    City-Girls-Hustling-Prostitution

 

 

Which of these topics would you like me to post about next? 

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Normal Men Don’t Marry Prostitutes – Who Will?

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A “normal” man is your everyday guy-next-door, with a relatively normal family, a normal job, normal hobbies and a normal set of friends/peers. This man will never marry a prostitute (knowingly, that is). Why? He is too busy to ponder deeply about prostitutes, or the plight of downtrodden people, generally. He would be afraid to be associated with people outside the realm of normal. He would be focused on keeping up appearances. He will be too concerned about what his family thinks. He would be too afraid of what others might say. This “normal” man is likely to be a “great” client to a prostitute, but he will never marry a prostitute. He may love her, lust for her and cheat on his wife with a prostitute, but he will never swim against the tide to give a prostitute the full dignity of marriage(**Mind you, not all prostitutes desire or want marriage at all, or with such a person**)

The only case where this “normal” man would marry a prostitute is if her past is unknown (kept a secret). Some prostitutes do hide their past and revert back into normative society.

Who Marries a Prostitute?

A prostitute will attract a lot of men whom are not good for her: weirdos, creeps. Men with unwholesome lifestyles and intentions (ie: swingers, players, pimps, predators/abusers). A prostitute should never associate with these sort of men (but sadly, prostitutes often do get in relations with such individuals due to being naive or getting ‘finessed’). Aside from the unwholesome, there are some decent men who marry prostitutes.

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Wajid Ali Shah (d. 1887), last ruler of Lucknow, married a courtesan.

 

There are good kinds of men who will marry a prostitute. But these kind of men are rare. They are rare because most people, generally, are too afraid to go against societal norms. It’s understandable — life is much easier when one sticks to what the majority does. After all, prostitutes are heavily stigmatized and hated by wider society. Only a man with an immensely solid self-esteem and high emotional intellect can overlook all the stigma and realize prostitute’s humanity.

The good man for a prostitute *might* be normal looking/acting. But deep down, he will be immensely unique. He will possess empathy for others. He is one who dismisses and/or critiques societal norms that negate wholeness or humanity. In other words, this kind of man is deep and highly moral. He may have been broken himself, which is why he has depth and a deeper understanding of life. He won’t care what society thinks (marrying a prostitute), because he knows the value of humanity over ego. He will fight to protect his beloved. Once again, he might look like one of the “normal” men with the conventional lifestyle, but deep down he is much more unconventional. Of course, a lot of prostitutes like myself are also quite “normal” acting, but are rather unconventional behind closed doors. 

Depiction of a “True Lover” in Film: Water (2005)

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Water (Director: Deepa Mehta, 2005) 

In the film Water (2005), the character Narayan, played by John Abraham, is the epitome of an empathetic, true lover. The character Narayan came from a “normal” upper class family. Compared to his peers, who could care less about the well-being of prostitutes and can easily reduce a prostitute to “she’s just a whore,” Narayan was different. He was disturbed by the inhumane, cruel norms within Indian society. Thus, he became an activist, and lived out his activism through action. He fell in love with a young widow, who was prostituting herself to survive. Despite he knew his Mother’s disapproval, he was confident in his decision to marry a widow (a deeply stigmatized “undesirable” woman for marriage in pre-Modern Hindu society). He was confident because he knew he was doing the right thing.

The most powerful part of the film is when Kalyani, the widowed prostitute, bares her soul and makes herself extremely vulnerable. Kaylani was expecting to be rejected for exposing herself (ie: loss of her physical beauty, and exposing herself as a stigmatized woman). But despite that,  Narayan looks at her and says, “I love you even more now,” and made preparations to marry her. His powerful action symbolized true love — a man who loves their beloved in any condition. He was swimming against the tide, and yet he remained determined. That scene always makes me cry, as such love is only imaginable.

Prostitutes Relationships with Drug Dealers & Gangsters 

Aside from creeps and good men, prostitutes commonly bond with men whom are involved in the underworld, or the illegal trade economy. These men are drug dealers, gang members, or are somehow involved in the black market economy. While a lot of gangster-type of men fall into the ‘creep’ category and are harmful for prostitutes, some of them, ironically, are actually caring, loving, protective and loyal. Class is also a factor — there are different classes of gangsters just as there are different classes of sex workers. For instance, some high class prostitutes associate with high ranking gangsters/mafia (I, personally, avoid mingling with such people due to lack of common interests).

Why do Prostitutes often form Relationships with Drug Dealers and Gangsters?

Both come from similar backgrounds of childhood neglect, broken homes, and/or poverty, etc. They find commonality and comfort in their shared experience of trauma and being ostracized (outcasted) from ‘polite’ society. Drug dealers and gangsters are less likely to care what society considers a “proper” wife, and this is because they have less family input into their lives or their families are less concerned about keeping up appearances. Vice versa. There are indeed a lot of scum who are drug dealers (ie: those who do it to floss (ego and fame), and/or ones who pimp and exploit women into the sex industry). But not all gangsters are the same — some are vehemently against that and are protective of women. The “good” gangsters are in the game due to circumstances, and they often want out of that life (very much like most prostitutes).

Over the years, I have occasionally come across these kind of men as clients. Strangely enough, I often felt chemistry or somewhat connected to clients whom were affiliated to the underworld (the kind whom are low-key, sophisticated and un-flashy). The ones I liked were generous and took pride in caring for and protecting women. They were also emotionally deep, and we had a lot in common in terms of struggles and coming from dysfunctional family backgrounds. One, in particular, that I connected with was a man who left the illegal life behind. He told me he had spent time in prison when he was younger and “foolish.” When he got out, he changed his ways and made a better life for himself. We spoke about our broken families and circumstances, and somehow, it made things more passionate. Something about pain is erotic — people who come from pain sometimes express their passion with more intensity. At the same time, anyone who has been through struggle is often dealing with un-healed trauma, which is hazardous for a healthy relationship. I purposely avoided getting serious with gangsters for this reason, but also because they were outside my Islamic criteria and personal interests.


 

Dear Readers: What is your take on this topic? Would you marry a prostitute? For Sex Workers, what sort of man would you marry? Are you married to a prostitute? Are you are prostitute who is married? Share your experience!

 

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Relationships & Predatory Men – Protect Yourself

“I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies that make the babies”
-Tupac, Keep Ya Head Up, 1993

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The inspiration for this post came from meeting an unfortunate woman today whose story made my blood boil. It reminded me my own abuse experience and the experiences of so many women I’ve met. It is my duty to create awareness so that others don’t have to experience what we have gone through..

Anyone who comes from vulnerable circumstances (ie: broken, unstable or neglectful families, trauma) is, unfortunately, at a higher risk for exploitation.  Almost all prostitutes come from difficult circumstances. These circumstances are the prime “push” factor that push us towards sex work. And sadly, these life experiences can also make us targets for predators. For me, I was lucky that I developed ‘thick skin’ from a young age and learnt to be resilient to indecent men. I previously had long term relationships with kind and caring men, and therefore I felt I had a good sense of judgement on others. But unfortunately, I was not immune and ended up in an abusive relationship which broke off early last year. In the aftermath, I asked many questions about how I allowed such a hostile person into my life. What made me overlook all the red flags? I had such strict standards for myself, how did I allow myself to settle for such horrible treatment? I realized that I was vulnerable, and I was exploited for it. I mistakenly thought that I was not vulnerable because I was strong minded and my own boss. The truth is: women are less safe when their only defender is themselves. In fact, anyone is less safe when they are left to fend for themselves, because humans by nature are meant to be social. An animal wandering off alone in the woods is at more risk of being attacked than one who wanders with their flock. The purpose of this post is to create awareness, which can help other women protect themselves and be more vigilant about who they let into their lives.

Disclaimer: I am NOT a feminist. I would never endorse the idea that ALL men are bad. Good men do exist indeed. But women need to be warned about the increasing phenomenon of certain men who’s intent is to harm and exploit women. For instance, there are popular men groups on the internet that discuss tactics of using women for the sole purpose of sex. In an age of internet anonymity and the breakdown of strong communities, it is easier for predators to exploit the vulnerable and not face any backlash.

Who is a Coward?

To exploit or harm another person is severe enough, but to harm or exploit a person in a vulnerable position makes one an utmost COWARD. A vulnerable person is one who has weak or little support from family and the wider society, and/or they are too young or physically weak to defend themselves. Vulnerability doe NOT mean one is weak-minded or submissive. I consider myself very strong and resilient, yet I was vulnerable in the sense that I only had myself to rely on for everything.

Cowardly abusers exploit for the very fact that their victims have no protectors. In other words, this kind of abuser likely won‘t dare to harm a woman who has a strong kin, because a strong kin would mean a Father, Uncles and Brothers would take justice if anyone tried to harm their womenfolk. In my experience, my abuser harmed me because he knew he would face no backlash from any male family members or any community. He wouldn’t do the same to a woman with a strong family backing, because he would be worried about ruining his public image. A great way to determine ones true character is to see how they treat others behind closed doors — a lot of people who appear “nice” in public can behave indecently in private (where they can’t get caught). 

As my blog has highlighted in recent posts, I was in an abusive relationship. Even after an abusive relationship ends, the psychological effects of abuse linger. The following website quotes the experience of the aftermath of abuse:

“Even after leaving the relationship, women described experiencing panic attacks, had flashbacks or nightmares, self-harmed, and suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome. This could make it difficult to socialise or trust other people.”
-Read more: (http://www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/domestic-violence-abuse/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/impact-domestic-violence-and-abuse-womens-mental-health#ixzz5mxgxhcbU )

After my experience, I came to realize that what happened to me is becoming common. Indeed there are people who simply make mistakes, feel remorse and actively change. But in some cases, including my own, there are people who can destroy or attempt to destroy the well being of others and have absolutely zero guilt or remorse. 

Since my experience, I have crossed paths with other women whom also were exploited and abused by partners. As I came to know their stories, I realized that these women and myself lacked awareness of what healthy love meant. Our crime was having an open heart. I fear for any woman to experience what these women and I experienced, so it is my duty to warn others. I have seen suicide and lives ruined from abuse and exploitation that happens in the name of fraudulent love.

Today, my heart broke again and I was fuming with anger after I met a woman who has recently been separated from an abusive partner. I went to the masjid (an Islamic place of worship) and I reunited with Samia, a woman I hadn’t seen in nearly 6 years. In those 6 years, she had two beautiful children. The last time I saw her, she was optimistic, fresh-faced, hard-working at a great job and freshly converted to Islam. She is now divorced, on welfare, and emotionally destroyed from an abusive, garbage-excuse-of-a-human husband. Her eyes were swollen (likely from endless tears). I recognized those lost, sullen, terrified eyes that reminded me of the heart-broken women I met when I used to work in a brothel. When she told me her story, I realized her ex-husband was very similar to my abusive ex. A narcissistic abuser — used the same tactics of lovebombing, devaluation, psychological manipulation, and discard. And then she told me her story: she grew up in a broken home, an absent Father and emotionally absent family. As result, she grew up with a big heart yearning for love. She was exploited for her vulnerability. Her story is one that I see time and time again —- a vulnerable woman who just wants to be loved and feel secure (and sadly, she attracted a predator who exploited her loving heart).

Maslows-Hierarchy-of-Needs

Why is it that vulnerable women (or vulnerable people, in general) crave for love and belonging? That is because it’s a core basic need of the human condition. According to the renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow, a human must have their basic needs (see the diagram above) met before they can pursue their full-potential. After our physiological needs for food, water and sleep, a human needs to feel they belong to a group and feel loved and secure. When the basic need of wholesome love and belonging  is not met, depression and despair is inevitable. As a result, many will resort to drugs and other vices to cope with this despair.

The good news is that difficult circumstances and experiences can be healed and mended. It takes a lot of patience, however. What’s crucial to improving ones life is getting support from wholesome people and gaining a sense of belonging. There is a beautiful metaphor that says we humans are all tulip buds, and we just need the right conditions to bloom (ie: enough water and sunlight). If one comes from difficult circumstances, then have hope that your outcomes can change as long as you fill your life with wholesome things that can make you bloom.


 

Red Flags: Is he a Protector or Predator?

*Understand that “normal” individuals can be sociopaths (lack empathy) and be abusive behind closed doors: These days, modern day villains are not the scary-looking characters we see in fairy tales. They are often “normal” individuals found in everyday life. It may be the well-dressed guy at the nightclub who’s secret intent is to drug you or fill you with alcohol so that he can sexually exploit your lack of boundaries. It might be the everyday guy who gives “high fives” to his peers who brag about the women he’s slept with (or “ran a train on”). Sociopaths, as such, as everywhere. I would recommended one to always have their guard up and not to be trusting so easily. It takes a LONG time to really know someones character.

*Understand the Importance of Social CredentialsWhen meeting random people, it is crucial to obtain social references on that person. This is especially important when meeting random people that have no connection to ones own family or friend circle. In other words, its important that a person has people in the community that can vouch for that persons credibility. I ignored this when I was with my abusive ex. When I met my ex, I realized I knew no one else to speak on his behalf. He had no close friends at all. His acquaintances were always random people. He also changed jobs every year and therefore he had no consistency in anything. Those factors, alone, were red flags that I should have paid more attention too. The lesson to be learnt here is to make sure that anyone in your life has other friends or community members that can act as their social reference.  

*Understand that abusers are often covert (secretive) addicts of something (ie: a covert drug addict or porn addict). Drug abuse not only numbs an individual to dealing with their emotions, but it also changes the brain chemistry in negative ways.  As such, drug abuse often decreases the ability for one to feel empathy. Drug abuse also often means one has a poor sense of self-control and is, therefore, likely to be impulsive. Abusive addicts, in particular, chase highs, and often get bored with people because they are addicted to getting dopamine fixes. Tell tale signs of an abusive, covert drug addict include extreme mood swings, unstable emotions, anger, apathy, psychosis and physical withdrawal signs, such as intense night sweats.

*Understand what healthy love is, and that love is about action (not words): A person claiming to love you without showing it in their actions is a major red flag. Words are meaningless without action. There is a great film about a woman who was exploited by a so-called lover, which highlights the covert, manipulative ways men use ‘love’ to get sex from a woman. The film is called Wajma, An Afghan Love Story (Film is here on Youtube). 

*Stay away from shallow people who objectify others and yourself: One of the most dehumanizing feelings is when someone looks at you as an object (where your mind is completely irrelevant). There are hurtful individuals out there who evaluate women in the most dehumanizing ways — whom are convinced a woman’s worth is based on her sexual organs and appearance. Even more sad is that many women with low self-esteem are pandering to these dehumanizing trends. My abusive ex tried really hard to break down my self-esteem by picking at my flaws. Despite I know my worth is much more than the external, I almost started to believe my inner qualities mattered less. When my abuser couldn’t crush my self-esteem, he then tried to crush my soul by manipulating my heart and emotions. Abusers are competitive, shallow and envious, which is yet another major red flag I ignored.

*Speak out and Don’t be Silent: Silence allows predators to thrive. Do whatever you can to ensure that an exploitative/abusive person cannot put others at risk. Call the police, inform members in the community — anything!

If you are a man who wants to help, then speak out against men who exploit women in overt and covert ways. Be an older, protective brother to women who don’t have the protection of brothers. Creeps are actually ruining things for decent men. How? When a woman is harmed by a predator, she is more likely to be guarded towards most men. She might be susceptible to feminist propaganda that will teach her to mistrust ALL men (and that’s not the answer). We need more wholesome unity, not disunity between men and women.


 

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship:

Signs-of-Abuse2019


Tupac’s Keep ya Head Up (1993), a power song in support of vulnerable women from difficult circumstances. Tupac represented a time when Hip Hop was about unity and positive growth. Whereas now, mainstream hip hop has been hijacked and is about destroying humanity, glamorizing evil and promoting sociopathy.

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To my Dear Readers: What is your advice to young women and men? What is your experience with an abuser? What are some RED FLAGS for you? Please share your thoughts.

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Passion Rains Down

 

 

There is something deeply erotic about rain.

Sombre, subtle,… yet everything becomes alive. Everything becomes so fragrant.

Rains saturates the earth, and it saturates me.

The sounds of trickling drops….the scent of fresh earth. Drenched. It’s intoxicating.

The dampness in the earth, the dampness on my skin, the flush in the earth, the flush in my cheeks.

Most complain about the rains…they see it as “ugly” weather and detest it.

But for me, and the few like me, we see rain strikingly different… rain is the bringer of immense comfort and passion.

Rain reminds me of delicious tea, savoury foods and most of all, erotic bliss and warmth.

Rainy mornings, rainy afternoons or rainy nights… all have the potential for reaching an altered state of consciousness that no other weather can induce.

 

Here are some old favorite songs that share my appreciation of rain…

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