Healing from Abuse

Dear Readers, this post is very hard to write about. I am not sure I will keep it. The intention in writing this is to bring awareness. It is to help others who might be suffering — maybe they can learn from my pain. Abuse is not always obvious, which is why many survivors will endure years of abuse until they take action of leaving the situation for good.

To anyone who has been subjected to abuse, please know that: You can heal. You are already perfect as you are. You are not alone in your suffering. Healthy love and kind people do exist and you are worthy of it. What happened was meant to happen and the goodness of why that happened will be realized later. Have patience. Be easy with yourself. Don’t give up.

Videsh-Heaven-On-Earth-Film.jpg

The above photo is from director Deepa Mehta’s Videsh (Heaven on Earth, 2008). A poetic film that portrays a young woman’s experience of domestic violence.

Idealize, Devalue, Discard

I was in denial. Sure, I had heard about the abusive cycle, but it didn’t occur to me that I was experiencing it. In the aftermath, it all makes sense now. With him, I experienced the narcissistic abusive cycle (idealize, devalue, discard) multiple times over the past 3 years. In other words, multiple times in three years he would come back to me after discarding me, and would declare he was now ready to be serious, he was sorry for his past behavior and he was madly in love with me. The pattern became predictable towards the end. Our ending itself proved everything that I came to suspect towards the end — that he is abusive, he does lack complete empathy and therefore, there was never any love at all.

 

A Short Summary of My Experience:

In the beginning, he mirrored my personality so I would find commonality in him. He would love-bomb me with affection to make me feel we had something special and shared endless commonalities. He seemed intellectual, he seemed cultured, he seemed non-conformist and uninterested by typical trends in Western pop-culture. Looking back in retrospect, it was a lie and a tactic for him to make me feel he was someone I would find interesting. I would have never liked him nor welcomed him in my life if I saw his true persona beneath the mask he put on.

Then once ‘in love’, his actions shifted dramatically. This was the devaluation stage. In an abusive relationship, this shift occurs because the abuser got what they wanted from the “love” stage. For my ex, having a woman fall in love with him fuelled his fragile ego and filled him with confidence, but sadly not in a wholesome way. I now know that he, a narcissistic abuser, is incapable of reciprocating love in a wholesome form — they are only looking to benefit themselves. After the ‘ideal’ stage, his abuse always started off subtle, eventually becoming more severe and obvious. Abuse, anger, threats, intimidation, lies, hypocrisy, projection.

Now, the irony is, I am not a submissive type at all. I consider myself quite resilient and intolerant to being mistreated. However, my ex abuser really had me confused, and I later realized this was a very common experience among other abuse recipients. When the abuse gets severe during the devaluation stage, an abuser will throw in breadcrumbs of affection/kindness to confuse their partner. The purpose of doing that is to excuse the abuse that occurred, and also to instil hope that the abuser has good intentions after all. During these tiny moments of kindness, the abuser will do things such as future-faking, which could be promises of marriage, declarations of ‘true love’ or the infamous, “I promise I will get help and change.”

It was always at the times when I was convinced my ex was being abusive where he would throw in his speckles of kindness and affection. I recall a day when my ex and I had a public altercation, which led me to break down in tears and hurry to go back to my home. We went to my home together. Once back at my home, his previous hostile attitude turned soft. While I was crying and rather traumatized, he began apologizing and caressing me lovingly. He then started trying to pleasure me in erotic ways while I was in that traumatized state. It was extremely strange and confusing, but I wanted to believe that he was sincere and really cared. I accepted his apology. The next day he raged at me in anger, screaming at me that I had the audacity to break down in public, run away from him and “cause a scene.”

Reacting to the abuse and defending myself was a way he could manipulate things and blame me. I had never been with an abusive man before, so I would defend myself and say often, “Men who truly love a woman do not behave this way.” He would then break down and say I am attacking his manhood by comparing him to all the other men I had — I felt really guilty for making him feel that way. Defending myself always resulted in me apologizing to him for causing him distress. I made excuses and justified his abuse — he, himself, admitted he mistreated me, yet he later would justify it because I was “a prostitute” or because I reacted ‘crazy’ in response to his abuse. Back then I didn’t realize this was his tactic of gaslighting (psychological manipulation). Gaslighting was a way for him to deflect from the fact that he was abusing me.

At the discard stage, like a typical abuser, his attitude towards me became the exact opposite of the Idealize stage. The “I love you for you are and I don’t care that you are prostitute and have had every man in the world! I want to be with you for the rest of my life” reverts to You are a whore and you will never change. I can’t trust a woman like you. Go back to whoring yourself.” By the discard stage, I was always partially destroyed by his endless campaign of devaluation — it harmed me not just emotionally, but I would physically begin to feel unwell. At that point, an abusive narcissist see’s their partner as useless, so they usually discard their partner or treat them incredibly cruel so the partner walks away themselves. The reason for this is because the abuser needs new supply to fuel his ego– a destroyed lover is useless for his ego that constantly needs inflating — so as such he will seek out a new supply (a person) to idealize.

Why Did I Take Him Back?

I had empathy and patience for his “I will change” declarations. He was very convincing in the love-bombing stages where he went to all lengths to convince me to take him back. He would send me money to prove he was serious in caring for me. Beautiful flowers. Sweet words. He apparently wrote poetry about us. I foolishly believed his declarations of love and his “we are soulmates” claims. But more than anything, I had hope in who he claimed to be as a person. He told me he suffered from severe anxiety and other mental health issues, which made me want to help him and not give up on him. I believed that he was sincere deep down, and I thought his own pain would make him a better person in the long run. I didn’t want to believe that he lacked empathy. It was only until his repetitive abusive patterns became so apparent and destructive that his mask truly came off. Everything was a lie.  Words truly mean nothing. The entire three years was a fraud. There was NO love at all. His intent was to destroy the confidence and strength I built for myself, which he lacked and craved.

Why Did He Gain?

For a sociopath, the gain is sex, power and ego. They wallow in self-hatrid. The sad part is a sociopath cannot overcome their insecurities. It is normal to have low self-esteem and insecurities — but there are wholesome ways to gain confidence. I knew my ex was insecure, which is why I loved him and wanted to care for him. I thought he was simply a product of his circumstances and was battling to be become a better person in a healthy way. I thought loving him and showing my affection would help him. This simply never worked because he was devoid of emotion. He was incapable of introspection, incapable of empathy. His true character was hidden, so I fooled myself in the end by thinking compassion could cure him. Normal people do not destroy others to fuel their self-worth. His love-bombing tactics were all a ploy to get me to lower my guard and trust him again, which would make me consent to giving my body for love. Falsely claiming love and promising a woman a future (security) to get sex is an utmost cowardly act.

The Aftermath:

art-pain

Hypervigilance. Fearing to trust anyone. Depression. Stress. Wounded. The negative physical effects of emotional trauma and pain. What a woman should feel the most excited for is now something that fills her with fear and pain.

I worry more about other women that experienced what I went through. What is the fate of women who have been harmed and whom cannot cope without numbing their pain? How many women react in self-destructive ways in response to being harmed by an abuser? How many women blame themselves for the abuse they endured and believe that they were “not good enough?” The truth is many abused women are not coping. Most abused women I met suffered severely from being harmed by others. Many develop a very poor self-image and self -esteem. Often, they get plastic surgery or take drastic cosmetic measures to appear more superficially beautiful. They end up attracting the same type of shallow, unempathtic, conformist jerk. In some extreme cases, some women will seek revenge on all men, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. So how does one cope with just feeling the pain raw? The answer is: invest in your SOUL. Take care of your soul. Your soul is a garden that needs proper care and nourishment. It takes time, it will hurt, but you will heal. 

For any male reader — if you are wondering why some women are starting to view ALL men with fear and mistrust, ask yourself WHY did she become this way? I completely denounce Feminism, because indeed good and decent men do exist. However, the abusers are giving decent men a bad name. It is time for MEN to start calling out indecent men who think it’s “cool” to brag about the number of women they’ve slept with or discarded like an object (which is essentially bragging about exploitation and abuse). The normalization of sociopathy and soulless attitudes needs to be exposed. Silence only allows harm to continue, which, in the end, hurts everyone in society.


Reflections

Many years ago I used to work with other escorts. I noticed a sad phenomenon that, back then, made no sense to me. Many escorts I met were in relationships with abusive men — pimps and/or controlling, manipulative, abusive jerks, for lack of a better word. I used to feel sad for these women, and I couldn’t understand, “Why do these girls stay with men who treat them bad?” Back then, I felt lucky that my partners were very loving and compassionate men.

But now, I understand those women. I understand why they resorted to drugs and other harmful means of numbing —  they were hurt and in pain. I understand why they tolerated abuse — trauma bonding. I understand why so many became went from vibrant souls to empty shells — depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyper vigilance (ie: fearing to trust anyone).

I understand now the behavior of so many fellow escorts I used to know. I remember my sweet former escort friend ‘Parisa’ who was once a vibrant flower. After many months of absence, she came back to the brothel. She was no longer the vibrant flower — her eyes, once alive and filled with life, clearly indicated she was broken. She told us girls that she ended things with an abusive ex. I remember when she broke down at the brothel in tears, when she began drinking excessively to numb the pain, when she broke down and confessed how she was suicidal. Broken women — these are the women who find themselves in prostitution. And then to think there are some (not all) men who brag about how they ‘conquer’ prostitutes as if we are objects to be claimed — soulless demons.

I now realize — the last three years of my life I became one of those girls —  I was with an abusive man. I justified the abuse. I made excuses for his abuse. Very typically, I believed things would get better. I blamed myself for defending myself. I thought his apologies would eventually become sincere.

During the painful ending, earlier this year, my ex abuser was completely unmasked. I feel disgusted and completely violated at realizing whom he truly was. Since his recent abusive episode which resulted in our ending, he has since attempted to repeat the whole cycle of abuse again – -apologizing, telling me he will change, pretending to care about my well-being. No more. The mask is off. The pattern of his abuse taught me that whenever I began to heal, he wanted to reappear in my life only to break me down again. Nothing fuelled his ego more than breaking down a strong, resilient woman like myself by exploiting her biggest strength: my heart. 

In my religion, Islam, we have a saying for all situations that occur in life — we are thankful always in all circumstances (good or bad). We say “Praise to the Creator” Alhamdulillah. This was my fate, and I know this happened for the best of reasons. Allah deals justly. SubhanAllah.

That’s Not Love

Love is imperfect in the beautiful sense that it has ups and downs —but love is certainly not abuse. Love is not supposed to harm. Love is uplifting and gives a sense of tranquility. Sadly, as noted in my blog, we live in a world where love is now grossly abused. The reasons are complex, and I hope to elaborate on this topic in further posts (ie: How Porn has dehumanized women and enabled the normalization of exploitation).

Resources for those Being Abused

The following books “Why Does He do That” and “Psychopath Free” provide great clarity to very traumatic and confusing abusive relationships. It can also help one refrain from going back to an abuser by explaining their false tactics of idealization, or guilt-tripping.

Psychopath-Free-Book                  Why-Does-He-Do-That-Lundy-Bancroft


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For my dear fellow prostitutes or readers, please feel free to share any experiences you have had with individuals who violated, abused or conned you. How did you heal or cope? Or did you heal at all?

 

 

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Sex & Different Types of Men

Groups of People

The Premise: A Man has the Urge to have Sex without Commitment. 

The Deal Breaker:

Woman 1: I only consent for money or love (most prostitutes).

Woman 2: I only consent for love ( this could be through marriage only or the equivalent, a committed relationship).

Woman 3: I only consent for money (typically, very hardened prostitutes).

Woman 4: I only consent for attention/fun (deep down, this type actually craves love and wants to consent only for love, but she mistakenly believes that attention will compensate for love).

The Response:

Man 1 “Mr. Fairness”: I will pay a woman to be able to sleep with her so she gets something to satisfy her and so do I. I am only comfortable if she is comfortable, and she is not demeaned nor exploited in this transaction — it is fair to her.

Man 2 “Mr. Entitlement”: I will pay a woman to have my way with her. Mr. Entitlement has the ‘decency’ to realize the she should get paid, but is indifferent to the woman’s overall well being. For him, he is a paying customer and he is entitled to service. *Note: Some Mr.Entitlements despise the fact they have to pay — why can’t women just serve our sexual needs for free!

Man 3 “The Predator”: I will use physical force to take a woman (against her will) to get sex. Zero empathy.

Man 4 “The Wholesome Man”: I would never just sleep with a woman for sex only and then just leave her once I satisfied my urge. She is not an object to use, she is human with feelings like my mother, sisters, aunts, etc. *He grew up with love and/or strong moral structure. She is someones daughter, wife, mother, etc. He has empathy for women.*

Man 5 “The Wholesome Client”: I will pay her for her time, and do whatever she is comfortable with. If she is inclined and the feelings are right, I would love to commit to her (because I want love and commitment above all).  I respect her as a human being and would never want to make her feel neglected. But If she only desires a business arrangement and she is not open to love, then I will politely remain as a loving client.

Man 6: “The Monster”I will neither pay her nor love her. But since women wont accept that, I will promise her love and protection so she will give me her body. The naive women, who have a poor concept of love (usually Daddy issue’s), are the easiest to dupe with the “I love you” trick. Finesse them hoes! *The Monster then ‘high-fives’ his fellow soulless comrades in online forums, or he gets reassurance in his beloved ‘rap’ beats that glorify the exploitation of women.* This “Monster” type of man is very dangerous for women, because they appear charming and are often are very gifted in manipulation (ie: knowing exactly how to make a woman trust them).

*PS: Yes, women can be manipulators too — read until the end..


The Big Question – Why?

What makes some women only want money when dealing with men? What makes some men use violence against women? What makes some men have great respect and admiration for women?

The Answer: Circumstances (Society, Upbringing, Influences)

A great quote I once heard was, “Different cultures produce different kinds of people.” (Wade Davis). This was in reference to an indigenous Amazonian tribe whose cultural values instilled people to protect Mother Nature. This was compared to the cultural values of the West, where perpetual growth and consumerism teach one to indirectly harm/destroy Mother Nature.

Imagine a culture where the family structure is strong, community is strong, the cultural music is about unity, love and wholesome masculinity/femininity — the cultural values are about “we”, thriftiness, kindness, discipline, gratitude — young children grew up on wholesome proverbs/wisdom from their elders — what sort of person does this produce? 

Imagine a culture where young teens are influenced to hate themselves for whom they are, whom are told to focus on “I” instead of “we”, whom are given zero or contradicting guidance on life and how to be a man/woman, whom are told their body parts need to be altered, whom are told their worth is their accumulation of material objects, whom are told that the opposite sex is to be feared and doubted (ie: feminism & misogyny), whom are told they must fend for themselves and the only means of survival/belonging is chasing money — if you’re a woman, your value is in your body parts and that’s how men have been told to value you — if you’re a man, your value in how much money you have and you’re subjected to endless sexual imagery to weaken your ambition to nothing — what sort of person does this produce?

Many societal influences, in the West, are intentionally aimed at destruction of the soul, destruction of the family and unity as a whole. We have men and women who are pitted against each other — so what is the result when men cannot trust women, and vice versa? What happens in a hyper-sexualized society when women are reduced to body parts and men are taught to view women as just our bodies? What happens when pious men and women are told to keep searching for something “better” than what they already have? This is a breeding ground for hate, apathy, narcissism, sociopathy. 


 

Laila, The One Who Cheats Men

When I meet people with a heartless mentality, I wonder: how did they become that way? Even I need to reflect on myself, because I have made many mistakes. I once knew a woman who viewed ALL men as the same: to her they were Womanizers, Cheaters, Liars. Ironically, she was also an escort. She became heartless to the extent that she would deceive and manipulate all men she encountered for money. She placed all her worth in her appearance. By doing so, she reaffirmed her belief that all men wanted to use her because she essentially attracted the same type of men. **Ladies, when you invest only into your appearance, you will attract the worst kind of men with the sole intention to sleep with you and discard you** So how did she become this way? She once broke down and poured her heart out to me. I learnt that she had been severely hurt, exploited and neglected by false love — she had been duped by a “Monster” (Man #6). She was once an innocent girl, whom only wanted love, and then she became depressed and suicidal, and she was convinced that all men were like the “Monster.” And thus, she reacted by believing her value was only in her body parts. After that, she attracted men who only wanted her body — once or twice and that’s it. They used her, so she used them — that was her motto. I knew she was hurting, deep down, for being used as an object, but she could not stop objectifying herself. She was convinced that she needed more plastic surgery or sexy photos to find the love she deeply craved deep down — in fact, by doing so, she was pushing herself further away from wholesome love. Nevertheless I understood why she was hurting, because I know the feeling of neglect. All escorts come from some form of neglect. The difference between her and I was that we simply reacted in a different way.  I realized that not all men are the same — different types of men existed. Decent men exist, men who valued women for their inner beauty above all. I made a conscious effort to stay away from men who exhibited shallow values. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to tell who is genuine or not, as soulless men and women often wear a cloak of ‘charm’ to entice their prey.

The point of Laila’s story is to highlight how she became heartless because she, herself, was hurt, exploited and used. Ironic — the same rule can be applied to heartless men: society & circumstances can turn people to become heartless and apathetic. 

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Finally, this is a great video for women who have been neglected — from an Islamic perspective, it reiterates the point on why women resort to objectifying themselves when they are deprived of wholesome love.

To My Readers, both Men and Women: Which one are you? What is your Stance?

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Filed under Facts About the Sex Industry, The Escorting Business, Types of Clients, Types of Prostitutes

Why Prostitutes Do Not Trust

Many prostitutes are very hard-headed and guarded due to being hurt, exploited and having little-to-no wholesome care. Being guarded, acting with indifference, self-destructive behavior, and not trusting are some resulting defence mechanisms. A wise prostitute, however, knows that NOT all men are the same — both good and bad exist. Likewise, good and bad also exists in women.

How do we know the contents of anothers’ character and their intent? It’s not easy, but generally actions and patterns tell everything.

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Listen you dumb whore. You are unworthy of love and all the other blessings bestowed to people who don’t sell themselves.  You opened your legs for money, so you are nothing more than the dust beneath shoes. It is your fault you are in this situation. You are a lazy woman who chooses this life, and you are too lazy to work hard like everyone else! 

You come from a broken home? You’ve been exploited? You say you want out of this life? That’s a lie.  Moreover, that’s not an excuse to be a whore who does filthy things for money. That’s why you are NOT worthy of significance! You are a shameless, disgusting whore, and that is all you will ever be. Get out of my life and don’t ever talk to me. I don’t want a whore in my life.

*A giant boot stomps hard on a once vibrant flower, breaking its stems and leaves further.*

When the flower experiences this ambush of cruelty, she starts to wilt rapidly. The water that nourished her slowly dries up, and the harmful force of salt keeps destroying the roots of her being. 

I am sorry! I never meant those words! I don’t care that you are a prostitute or if you’ve had every man …you are the most pure thing that I have ever known! Please forgive me, I have changed! I realized how hurtful I was to you and those I care about.  I know this life has not been easy for you. I was wrong to say those things before. I lov-e…….

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Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting

Prostitution & Emotional Destruction

wilting-flower

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

Blemished and trampled upon.

A stressed, barren existence remains.

Isolated.

Uprooted from its origins.

Desolate, left to fend for itself.

No water comes to saturate the soil.

No offspring can grow in such an environment.

It is, instead, a place of decay.

A once vibrant, fragrant flower is wilting away.

– Myself


 

exploited-maids

I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Father. He said words to me. Some of those words were “I love you immensely.” He said his absence in my life was not ‘abandonment.’  But the words he spoke conflicted with the reality of his actions. “I am your Father,” he would say. But where was this “Father” in action? I never knew. 

Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state? What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me?

Now, when I hear words, I am reminded that they are just words…….

Love is not a word.

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Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics (translated in English) which highlights the abuse of love in modern society:

“In today’s times, romance has become frivolous,
Destroying the divine concept of true love”


 

In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times:

Do Not Grieve

​Your lost Joseph will return to Canaan, do not grieve
This house of sorrows will become a garden, do not grieve
Oh grieving heart, you will mend do not despair
This frenzied mind will return to calm, do not grieve
When the spring of life sets again in the meadows
A crown of flowers you will bear, singing bird, do not grieve
If these turning epochs do not move with our will today
The state of time is not constant, do not grieve
Lose hope not, for awareness cannot perceive the concealed
Behind the curtains hidden scenes play, do not grieve
Oh heart, should a flood of destruction engulf the world
If Noah is at your helm, do not grieve
As you step through the desert in desire of Ka’aba
The thorns may reproach you, do not grieve
Home may be perilous and destination out of reach
But there are no paths without an end, do not grieve
Our state in separation from friends and with demands of foes
The divine who turns circumstance knows all, do not grieve
Hafez, in the corner of poverty and loneliness of dark nights
Until your words echo prayers and lessons of Quran, do not grieve.

-(Hafez) | Sung by Mohammad-Reza Shajarian

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, My Poetry and Others

One-sided Love: When a Client Falls for an Escort

escort-diary-love

The first client to profess serious love for me in terms of getting married was about 9 years ago. Let’s call him James. This took place when I lived overseas. Back then, I was a very young lady who did not fully understand how critical matters of the heart were. I had met this client James once, and then unknowingly I made such an impression that he very quickly became a frequent and generous regular client. He was very easy going, kind hearted and generous — so I quickly began to enjoy his company as a client. Since he came to see me so frequently, I eventually became comfortable to go out with him publicly. We started going to dinners and theatrical shows together. To me, James was just a client and a lovely guy who’s company was joyful — but nothing more. But for him, it was much more. I was young and oblivious, however, to his intentions. It did not occur to me until later that he was spoiling me with the hopes of winning my heart.

During this time, I had also met my ex-fiance as a client. My ex, however, was someone I truly felt connected too — and very quickly we became a couple and then started living together. Once my ex and I started living together, I cut off all non-business communication with James. And very quickly, I decided to abruptly end business relations with him too. I was occupied with my ex, so I felt seeing James was too much time and effort. It was at this point, I was shocked to discover the hurt I, unknowingly, inflicted upon James — James had the idea that I was growing closer to him and we would settle together. He started showing up at my home or at the brothel I worked at, waiting for me. I was startled and shocked, because I had zero feelings for him and only considered him like any other client –the only exception was that I was closer to him as a client because I saw him so frequently. James had the best of intentions, but he mistook my kindness for something serious, which made him panic when I suddenly dropped him. It was my fault for failing to outline my intentions towards him. Looking back in retrospect, I should have taken cues of his desire for me — and moreover, I should have stated early on how I was not interested in anything beyond a client-escort relationship. But again, I was young and knew nothing about matters of the heart, so I was innocently unaware. This was a huge learning lesson for me, and a lesson I still have to apply until today: make your intentions clear from early on, and never play with someone’s heart. 

This example with James occurred when I was very young. I had no intention to mislead someone or play with their emotions whatsoever — it is my biggest fear until today to exploit someone’s heart. I have made mistakes and caused pain indeed. But I, too, know the pain of deception, so it would burn my heart to intentionally cheat someone. I was simply oblivious at my early days of escorting on how to deal with clients who became attached or fell in love.

And then the story of my ex-fiance and I — again, I was young and naive while I was with him. I did love him, but I was not sure of what I wanted through out our relationship. I was scared to settle down so young with him, and for this reason, I tried to leave him numerous times early on in our relationship. Out of love, I felt it was unfair to stay with him when my heart was not sure of what it wanted. But anytime I expressed my desire to leave him, I saw his eyes and felt like a Mother abandoning her child. This was my first true relation, so I did not know the rules or the consequences of love. Fast forward two years, I ended up leaving him. I was unsure of what I wanted throughout our entire relationship — I was poisoned with thoughts of the ‘grass being greener’ while with him. He dreamt of marriage and family, and I killed that dream for him. It was all unintentional. Only years later, once I faced rejection myself, I realized how dangerous love is when there is no structure or morality to guide it.

Now, the examples above shows how being oblivious and ignorant are part of being young. It is hoped that one will eventually learn empathy (the ability to consider the emotions of others) which distinguishes them from childhood into adulthood. Sadly, some people have no sense of empathy — they kill souls and feel no remorse. But others learn through trial and error. I had to be the neglecter and be neglected myself to learn the valuable lesson of empathy in love: don’t play with someones heart, don’t use someone, don’t make empty promises and more importantly, be clear with your intentions. 


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And so, there have been subsequent clients among the years who have expressed a one-sided admiration for me. And out of deep fear of hurting their dear hearts and inflicting them with pain that can be lethal, I have to hurt them with honesty…

Tonight, a client just left my home. He is reading this, as I felt comfortable to tell him about my blog. He is an all-round lovely, young man. Tonight, before he came to see me, he sent me two writing pieces he made about me. I read them. He wrote about me in the tone of love and admiration. But instead of feeling flattered, I felt concerned for his heart. Rather than applaud his efforts, I crushed his heart with the harsh tone of my bluntness: “I don’t feel the same.” He claims he has fallen in love — he wants to express it in all ways. Just moments ago, he sends me a photo of a cardboard cup that sits in the cupholder of his car. It was the cup I drank last week, filled with tea. The cup has a pink lipstick mark, my lipstick. He keeps the lipstick stained cup in his car as a memorabilia of me. And in his writings, he writes about how my scent stays with him after he leaves my home. He must have read those ‘scent’ posts on my blog, and he must think I feel the same way. Am I supposed to feel flattered? No, my dear. I am sad for you. Sad for the situation. I know my honesty hurts, and I don’t want to hurt you —  but honesty is my duty.

After learning from my past mistakes years ago, I have since become very blunt when I get an inkling that someone has feelings for me. Sometimes, regular clients confuse an escorts’ kindness for a deep, intimate connection. It is important for anyone to be true with their intentions with another –after all, one’s character is defined in how they treat others

So I said to him tonight, as I have numerous times in past meetings….”I don’t feel the same, I am not in love with you nor will I ever be.” This must confuse him, as my behavior with him seems otherwise. I understand his confusion. Yes, I can genuinely enjoy someones companionship, but that does not mean I desire them.

What worries me the most, and causes me to be more harsh, is his sense of hope for “us.” In his writings, he wrote his hope to eventually “win my heart.” So once again, I have to crush his hopes again and again, being firm and harsh — when will he understand? I tell him he must stop seeing me. Now, I feel bad for accepting his generosity. How can I feel comfortable taking his kind gestures when it means I am leading him to eventual heart ache? But I told early on, I have been honest. Yet he says I own his heart now — and I shout “I never asked for it!”

As an escort, I must be blunt, I cannot pretend to love a client to line my own pockets — that is heartless and apathetic.  I tell him that he has no choice but to accept the fact that I have no feelings for him outside a business relationship. And that doesn’t mean he is unworthy — not at all. He is too young to understand that sometimes unrequited love or losing someone is a blessing in disguise. I fear that he does not make this realization, but instead blames himself. It is not him who is lacking at all — he must learn a lesson that many need to learn: chemistry is not a choice. There is no such thing as one not being ‘good enough’ — no. There are reasons why people come together and why they part — it requires immense patience to see the spiritual importance of why people come into our lives, who remains and who departs.

I cannot exploit his heart. I cannot exploit his generosity to benefit myself without thinking of how this affects him. No. I have seen the abuse of love and its consequences. I have seen how love is falsely proclaimed when it’s simply a ploy for one’s selfish gain. I have seen suicide resulting from false promises of love. So much dishonesty masquerades with the label of ‘love’ and so many broken souls who once dreamed. This is the result of a society with no structure or morality  — I learnt the lesson long ago, do not play with hearts.

Final Remarks:

Despite I used the term ‘love’ in this post and past posts of mine, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as wholesome love without structure/guidance. I wrongly assumed that I experienced ‘true’ love in the past — but I no longer believe that was love. Perhaps at best, it was just a glimpse of love. There is no love unless it’s given the correct conduct that it deserves — love is a serious responsibility, not a toy to play with. But sadly, today, love is treated as something so casual, something to play with and discard once ‘bored’ — and alhamdulilah for Islam, because Islam makes awareness of the societal ills that result from the falsehood of unrestricted love. As a Muslim, I finally see how love is only granted when one follows the guidelines of Allah swt. Islam recognizes how love, when outside the responsibility of marriage, is often misused and leads to social chaos (fitna). For this reason, Islam prohibits the relations between men and women outside of marriage  — after all, sex without responsibility renders people being exploited, used, heartbroken or deceived (all things which Islam seeks to protect one from).

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Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Questions for Escorts And Clients, Relationships

Clients: Why an Escort Refuses to Meet You Again

The other day I opened my door to an unfavorable surprise. I was expecting to meet a client whom I have never seen before. But to my dismay, it was a former client who I had purposely been ignoring.

This client, whom I have met before, had been trying unsuccessfully to meet me again for the past two years. At first, I ignored his calls. Then he got in contact with me by calling me from a new number, and so then I started to ignore his new number. Fast forward one year later, this week, he called me from an additional new number. I picked up and did not recognize his voice. I thought he was a new client, and when I asked for his name, he gave me a different name. So we made an appointment, and voila…he shows up ….!

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So the question is, why would an escort reject a repeat customer?

While every escort is different, here are the four main reasons an escort MAY ignore or reject a client from coming back (as a repeat customer).

  1. Hygiene issues

And/Or

  1. Cheap (ie: tries to stay longer than allocated time, unwelcomed, without paying extra, or gives less money than expected)

And/Or

  1. Unbearably ANNOYING or tiring sex (ie: takes too long, or makes us ‘work’ too much. Yes, some of us are ‘spoilt’.)

And/Or

  1. Rude and Disrespectful

Additional reasons for an escort to reject a repeat client that are, perhaps, less common. Such as a client who has…

  1. Stalker-like tendencies (ie: a love crazed client who invades your personal life in an unwelcomed sense — where the ‘love’ is one-sided). Note: This is not to be confused with clients who are in love with an escort while also respecting the escorts own boundaries and expectations. Admiration does not bother escorts so long as their boundaries are respected.
  1. There are additional unique reasons. For instance, I had a really young client whom I felt was spending too much money that he didn’t have (hoping to gain my heart). Since I couldn’t give him love, I felt it was better that he focused on saving money for someone who can truly love him back. I liked him as a person and client, but morally I felt he should direct his hard earned cash elsewhere.

Now, of course, these undesirable traits can be interpreted differently depending on the person. For me, hygiene is a paramount deal breaker, so I would flat out refuse anyone who was not clean. And of course, I would not accept to meet any client who could not pay my rate. Annoying sex, however, is not something one can predict with a new client. Now, with regards to a client being ‘rude or disrespectful’, luckily I have not experienced that so far as I am quite particular with whom I attract and meet. But for many other escorts who do not have the privilege to be so discerning, dealing with disrespectful clients is a reality.

In general, my screening processes have been successful to the extent that there have only been 3-4 men that I have refused to see again. Generally, most clients are relatively pleasant and have no issues. And for the 3-4 clients that I could not bare…, my method of refusal was to simply ignore their calls or messages.

The irony is that these clients whom I refused to meet again were not actually disrespectful at all.

In fact, the former client who showed up the other day under a new name – he is exceptionally respectful and kind hearted. He is even relatively clean and professional. Yet for some reason, this particular client possessed the first three traits of a client I would reject: (hygiene issues, cheap, and tiring sex). Like the first time we met, this client appeared clean. Yet his breath odor was so disgusting that I wanted to gag! His vile breath made me repulsed to touch and be close to him. To top off my disgust, the sex was beyond annoying – he abnormally takes a long time (probably because I cannot hide my repulsion and barely want to touch him) and also, he wants to be all lovely-dovey romantic while he takes his damn time! Yes, I am a romantic woman indeed — but not with a person whose scent repulses me! And to make matters worse, he dragged out a one hour appointment to two hours —- no extra tips, nothing. Now, being Sahar, I do have a temper and am quite assertive. I gave him a piece of my mind on the first meeting, yet in a diplomatic way (so not to hurt his feelings). I bluntly told him “I don’t think we are a match in sex” and “you’re just not my type.” Despite that, he still wanted to come back. I allowed him to come a second time, thinking that his ‘bad’ breath was just a one time thing. Well, I was wrong. After the second meeting and the same annoying scenario, I told myself, “Never again, the money isn’t worth it.”

This time, when he arrived at my home the other day, the first thought in my head was a Dave Chapelle style, “Fuck!” I couldn’t just kick him out, because as mentioned, he was actually a really kind and respectful person. I asked him right away, “Why didn’t you tell me it was YOU? Why did you tell me another name?” He said, “I thought you were ignoring me.” I said in my head, “Yes, Obviously” So then I secretively rolled my eyes back, and then told myself, “It’s not that bad, I’ll just get through it.”

Nothing had changed. He was still a sweet guy. But that foul odor from his breath was still there! He was a clean guy, but clearly had neglected his oral hygiene (yes, you can have bad breathe even when you brush your teeth everyday!). How the hell do you tell a nice person that they smell so foul that it makes you feel repulsed to the point you have to obsessively clean your home after to rid the disgusting scent from your home? Finally, at the end of the appointment, he said, “Can you tell me next time openly if you don’t feel comfortable to see me?” Finally I broke down — I had to tell him. I sincerely wanted this sweet guy to have success with OTHER WOMEN, but I am sure other women won’t have the temperament to tell him about his terrible breath. So I said to him, calmly, “Your breath……I am sorry to say this… When is the last time you went to the Dentist? Is there something you eat that smells very strong?”

I felt so bad that I had to tell him something, perhaps, so embarrassing. He was actually very thankful when I told him to go to a Dentist and ask the Dentist to thoroughly check his oral hygiene. So would I see him again? No. Even if he fixes his breath, I am not interested to see him again. Even the sex was just far too unbearable to the point I could not hold in my annoyance. But again, he is a nice guy, so I sincerely hope he can find a woman who does love him – he has many lovable qualities – he is actually an attractive, fit, younger guy! But for me, personally, I was just far too turned off by the whole experience. I hope I did the right thing by being honest.

Lesson to be Learnt?

Want to be a good client or partner in general? Excel in the first four points I mentioned (be mindful of your hygiene, be courteous with her financial expectations, ask for feedback during intimacy, and be genuinely respectful).

Lastly, the thing with hygiene is that it is difficult to detect one’s own scent, or body odor. I, too, have been guilty of having bad breath, unknowingly — which is a funny story. A long time ago, when I lived overseas, I was with a regular client of mine. It was his birthday, so I brought him some cupcakes. I told him not to eat the cupcakes until after our appointment. I told that I won’t kiss him or let him kiss my body if he eats the cupcakes first. He then said, jokingly, “Why not? I always kiss you after you eat your spicy foods and I don’t complain.” He was teasing me and alluding that I had “garlic” breath once and how it didn’t bother him. Since then, I always am paranoid about meeting someone after I have eaten foods with my favorite ingredients, garlic and onion. It can be a cute and sweet gesture to others to simply say, “Is my breath alright?”

Escorts? What is your experience? What would make you stop seeing a client? Clients, have you been rejected? What would make you stop seeing an escort? Share your thoughts

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Filed under The Escorting Business, Types of Clients

Husbands Who Cheat With Escorts/Prostitutes

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A wife calls me. She discovered her husband has been cheating, with me, and others perhaps. Over the years, I have had to speak with a few other wives/girlfriends of clients. Strangely enough, each of these women share a similar patience towards me, the escort. They do not abuse me over the phone as one would expect. I often hear, “I know it’s your job, and I know you are probably doing it just for money, so I am not upset with you.”

The most heart-breaking part of speaking to the wife of a former client is when I hear the cries of small children in the background of the phone call. Coincidently, the last three wives who contacted me all said at one point, “Can you hold on for a moment?” while they attended to a crying baby or toddler. I hear small children making noise for their Mothers’ attention, while their Mother is emotionally destroyed from discovering her husbands infidelity. It is such a tragic scenario.

Up until recently, I usually was brief if a client’s wife or girlfriend called me. I denied knowing or associating with their husband, and said “This is my job. I see married men all the time and I do not ask about their personal lives. Sorry but there is nothing else I can say.”

But recently, I could not remain stoic with a sad wife who called me. I felt terrible for the woman on the other end of the line. She had just given birth, only to discover her husband’s thirst for other women. I wanted to cry with her for the deception that has ruined her world. What makes everything all the more confusing for these wives is that often their husbands are sweet men –some of my married clients are some of the most kindest, generous and loving type of men. But if someone can risk ruining another persons well-being to benefit themselves, are they really that great? How can someone casually cheat someone they supposedly love? Not all marriage scenarios are the same, however. Indeed, there are many cases I have observed where the husband cheats because he is purely selfish, apathetic and has no sense of appreciating what he has (a.k.a  he’s stuck in the deceptive ‘grass is greener’ fantasy). And then there are other cases where couples have little-to-no sex life at all, nor any sexual chemistry — and then the husband goes to escorts due to sexual deprivation. The reasons are complex, indeed — and moreover, it doesn’t help when one lives in a society that indirectly promotes cheating others for self-gain.

Things Are Not What They Seem: Picture-Perfect Deception?

The irony I have discovered is the fact that many married clients have very beautiful wives. Yes, beautiful women are cheated on commonly. It is only ironic because many people mistakenly believe that being ‘beautiful’ is enough to keep their partner sexually satisfied — women commonly make this wrong assumption. Genuine sexual bonding has very little to do with physical looks — sadly, many people do not realize this. We live in a world where people are lead to believe that sexual chemistry is found in those who appear sexy — appearing ‘sexual’ outwardly has no correlation to being internally sexualit is internal qualities that contributes to the sexual energy transfer between two bodies (a.k.a. chemistry).

Some regular clients show me pictures of their families and their wives. Some even show me their social media, where they have photos of their families. Ironically, many of my married clients have ‘picture perfect’ families. Recently, I googled one of my clients to check if he was using a real name or not. Incidentally, I ended up on the social media of this client’s fiancee. Her entire social media portrayed the picture-perfect life, complete with endless cute photos of her and her hubby-to-be. Sadly, little does she know that her future husband had traveled to another country to meet an escort, me. I imagine that outsiders may look at her life, or others like her, and wish they had what she portrays …..but little do outsiders know that her ‘picture perfect’ relationship consists of a husband who acts on his desires for other women. This only reiterates the realization of how much deception exists in life, especially in a time where people are obsessed with misleadingly showcasing themselves and their ‘lifestyles.’ Outsiders, generally, assume the same for high-class escorts — they assume escorts are satisfied for getting paid to have sex in comfortable settings — they don’t see what happens behind the scenes. I cannot count how many people I’ve met who are depressed because they feel their lives are not measuring up to the ‘perfect’ and ‘glamorous’ lives of people they see in real life or on social media. For such people, I always try to emphasize as much as I can, “Believe me, things are not what they appear to be.”

The Question of “Why Did They Cheat?”

The other day, I decided to share some of these thoughts with a regular married client of mine. I told him about the most recent cases of wives calling me. I have known this client for nearly 6 years now, so I was comfortable to discuss the sensitive subject of “cheating” with him (after all, he is married). We then got into a discussion of “Why?” I asked him, “Why do you come to see me?” Just as he has told me before, he said that him and his wife almost never have sex. Though, since we’ve been meeting over the last 6 years, he did have a baby with his wife between this time. His wife only allowed sex for the purpose of baby-making. I then asked, “What if you and your wife started having sex more often, would you still need to see other women?” He then explained that if he got sex from his wife, he would have no incentive to find it elsewhere. He also added, “But since I met you, it would be difficult to stop seeing you now.” And me, being myself, said, “I hope one day you won’t have to see me anymore.” I then asked about his wife and her sexuality — like many others, she shared the trait of being physically beautiful, yet lacking any desire for sex. What is one to do in this case? There is no simple answer. 

The purpose of writing this post was to share sympathy for wives of cheating husbands. Thank you for understanding that I and other escorts are doing this for money/survival. To married clients, please think twice about how much you are potentially hurting someone — be honest, be real.

If you are the spouse of cheating partner, what was your experience? If you are married man who see’s escorts, how do you justify it?

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Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Marriage, Relationships