Such love is never balanced. It’s either he’s chasing me, and I’m not interested. Or vice versa. Yet I seldom make my affection apparent. Last month I did my best to make him feel that I don’t need him in my life. I tend to do such foolish things when I’m high on my own ego. I felt so wanted, and I rubbed it in his face. Last month it was “I don’t need you.” But now, it’s: I only want you.
I mentioned in a post before about fate….and how fate is driving me to question why things happen. It is the work of some Supreme Being? Or it just the law of nature? I’ve noticed that my mind acts to neutralize the polar of my emotions. For instance, the last month had been rather great for me. Often, when things are great and I’m feeling highly desirable I tend to lose myself in selfishness. Well, today, my mind’s equilibrium kicked in to deflate my ego, which was peaking. I’m back down-to-earth, leaning slightly on the depression side.
Guard Your Innocence …
Beauty is a curse. Only in recent years have I realized that valuing beauty is more harm than good. Any woman who is aware of her ‘beauty’ and takes measures to flaunt it will face repercussions. Relying on ones beauty is dangerous, as it lays the seeds for insecurities. Beauty will eventually fade, and a such a woman cannot cope when she is no longer praised for that worthless quality. Yet, it is so hard to not embrace beauty, because Western society promotes shallow individualistic behavior. Such vulgarity and shallow values in the West pressured me to focus on my external. My beauty is how I survive and it’s what I’ve relied on not only for money but for opportunities and attention. By doing this, it has only harmed my internal self. Ironically, I wish to hide from the world these days. I am starting to value and admire modesty. I’ve started to feel that veiling (hejab or niqab) has a lot of meaning. Modesty is so beautiful, but sadly it’s becoming less and less prominent.
I wish my Mother had protected my innocence as a young girl. As soon as I learned that my looks enhanced the way others perceived me I began self-exploitation. It didn’t help that the mass media endorsed my self-exploitation, by making it seem acceptable for women to be sex-objects. I cannot imagine what it must be like to raise a young girl in Western society today. My Mother is a loving and great woman, but she was too permissive with me. She was too naive when raising her children in a different country than her own. Little did she know that her daughter would venture off to a secret lifestyle. I don’t blame my Mother, as she didn’t know any better. All she knew was that her extremely strict upbringing made her unhappy, so she decided to do the opposite. It’s so sad to see that young minds are becoming sexualized. Even worse, Western culture has been diffused globally, so the trend of sexual exploitation is increasing. This reminds of me when I first encountered provocative Muslim women, who wear skin tight clothing, 5-inch sexy high heels, and of course a hejab! Western Cultural imperialism has succeeded indeed.
I only continue to sell my body to fuel my addiction. I’m addicted to the money, the easiness of the actual work, and the admiration from the men. I am not strong enough to withdraw from this addiction….but every so often, I hope I’m close to the end.
For further readings on prostitution and it’s relation to sexual objectification of women, I found a great article here:
“Pleasure and sex which can be bought apart from woman’s soul: conditioning men into thinking of women as objects and pressurizing women to “conform” to sex-beauty protocols” -(Source below)