Indeed it is the 5 senses (touch, taste, smell, hear and see) along with mental stimulation that makes great intimacy and love. In the sex industry satisfying all of these qualities is possible but rare. In most cases, clients seek to stimulate one or multiple of their senses. One sense that many clients desire for sexual arousal is: satisfying their ‘scent’ sense. Artificial fragrances, such as perfumes, are only one part of the scent desire, but natural scents are what heighten arousal. One of the first things most clients do when we meet is embrace me in a hug, which instantly they detect my fragrance and natural scent.  This is usually followed by them starting to kiss and lick my body, from my neck, lips and breasts. Then gradually, they will taste their way around the meanders of my body. The common pattern is kissing and tasting her body, from her neck to her breasts or between her legs. For some, scent by-way-of-tasting is secondary to sexual penetration. For others, scent is the main feature of a sexual encounter.

Some men have a desire for scent that goes beyond the convention; it’s essential to their arousal. Often, they exceptionally desire the ‘taboo’ areas. The ‘taboo’ areas could be the feet, the underarms, the anus and buttocks, etc. Of course, they are only ‘taboo’ in the sense that they are unrecognized/unacknowledged in popular discourse on sexuality. If anything, the ‘taboo’ areas are extremely erogenous areas that can bring great pleasure. Sadly, a lot of people feel embarrassed about their ‘unconventional’ desires. For some men, it’s often easier to express these desires with a prostitute rather than their own wives or partners.

The other day, I was laying on stomach on bed, completely relaxed. A married client of mine was kissing my legs, working down to my feet. He started kissing my feet and then said, “There is a lot of sex at the feet.” After, he proceeded to lick between my toes. Before he feasted on other regions of my body, he would stop for a brief moment to inhale my scent. He would inhale it as if it had an intoxicating effect, and then he would dive in and taste. He made sure to put extra attention in all the taboo areas, which excited me past my tipping point. Experiences like these compel me to ponder: but why? For some, it is the allure of social stigma, the ‘taboo,’ which drives their excitement; it’s this idea of being in a subordinate position. For others, it is more biological where the scent, alone, triggers sexual gratification.

The most memorable ‘scent’ client I had was a young 19 year boy I met while I was working overseas for a short trip. I worked at small high-end brothel establishment for a brief few weeks. I met him on my first day, and then he insisted to book my entire shift whenever I worked. Our last encounter was an 8 hour booking, which he enthusiastically paid for each portioned hour. What makes him memorable is that we never had sex. I saw him numerous times until the end of my holiday, and each time his main desire was two things: my companionship and my ‘taboo’ areas. Most ‘scent’ driven men usually want intercourse alongside licking and tasting, but this particular client was different. He was completely satisfied with kissing and licking my hands, feet, between my legs and my buttocks. I would lay on my tummy, and could simply relax while his face was between the cheeks of my posterior. At the same time, he was also impeccably respectful and he always asked permission first. His desire puzzled me back then, but now I understand his attraction to scents.

In my own preferences, scent is one of the essential components of sexual chemistry. Scent is what ignites my desire to reciprocate. Scent has a lasting affect, which makes me long for it after wards. However, in terms of clients I seldom desire to indulge in their scents. Rather, my scent desire is reserved for someone I love. Scent is beyond just perfumes or ointments, but rather it’s the addition of natural scent that is unique to each individual. It cannot be simply mimicked by artificial means, because the natural scent of another person is part of the phenomena of sexual chemistry.

1. What is an Exotic Escort?

I use the term ‘exotic’ for myself in the context of being ‘different’ as an escort. I differentiate myself in that my cultural roots, ideological outlook and upbringing were rather unique compared to my surroundings. However, now that I look back in retrospect I should have been more cautious in choosing the word ‘exotic,’ because the term ‘exotic’ has a very Orientalist notion to describe the Other outside of the Occident (the West).

Many escorts use the term ‘exotic’ to describe themselves as having a different ‘beauty’ or appearance than the norm of their given setting. For instance, an Asian woman in a predominantly white-dominated sex industry is perceived as ‘exotic,’ because she her features are rare and different from the majority.

2. Is it harder for an escort who has sex with multiple partners daily to orgasm?

It truly depends on her, as an individual and her personal circumstances. A lot of women suppress (or are oblivious to) their sexual desires, so thus orgasm might be challenging or nonexistent in their lives. Traditional Modern Gender roles are a major factor in the suppression of female sexuality, as ‘her pleasure’ was traditionally dismissed as irrelevant in popular discourse. Of course things have changed, as many men and women are aware of the female sexual capabilities. However, the Traditional Gender ideals of masculinity and femininity for men and women are still institutionalized in almost every factor of Modern society, and thus remain influential attitudes.

But as I mentioned in a previous Q&A, having sex with clients can sometimes enhance my personal sex life. I may or may not get aroused by clients, but it certainly builds up my anticipation for my personal lovers. Having a lot of mediocre sex with clients can sometimes make me intensely crave good intimacy with someone I desire.

3. What do escorts think about older clients?

Old, middle-aged, young…it doesn’t really matter to me. Age does not define how a client will act, so such things are quite irrelevant. I know some other female escorts who prefer older clients because there is a belief that older clients are easier to please. This belief may be held because some older men have a tendency of being more patient and relaxed in their sexuality, whereas younger men are more eager. However, characteristics of all sorts can be found in clients regardless of age, class or ethnic background.

4. Do Escorts Give Discounts (Cheaper) for Good Looking Men? Do Escorts Prefer Good Looking Men?

This question actually made me laugh. No! I’d say the majority of escorts would laugh if a man assumed his ‘good looks’ would get him a better deal. Most escorts, such as myself, do not care about looks. An experienced courtesan knows very well that ‘good looks’ have no relevance to our livelihoods. A handsome client does not guarantee that he will be a good sexual lover, a good person or at best, generous. Qualities that I enjoy in clients are generosity, kindness, respect, hygienic, intellect and selflessness in sex (non-demanding) – such things cannot be compensated by superficial aesthetics alone.

This reminded me a client who tried to book with me. He called me and made countless efforts to tell me how ‘handsome’ he was, and how ‘well-endowed’ he was in size. I just rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “You are probably the worst in sex considering you have to convince me of how apparently amazing you are.” I hung up, and refused to see him. Ladies beware: Any man who boasts excessively about his achievements or his ‘amazingness’ is to be avoided. Such men with big egos are usually masking HUGE insecurities and shortcomings. Thankfully, after years of encountering so many men, I know very well that: If it seems too good to be true, it is! Any man who proposes such a ‘larger than life’ offer has a dirty motive behind it, so please be wary of such things.

5. What to do when a Regular Client Starts Seeing Another Girl?

Don’t do anything. He’s a client. Expect this. Sadly, in the Modern world of prostitution it is more than acceptable for a client to have no responsibility towards an escort. Even if he has seen her multiple times, it is at best a fragile relation with little significance. Of course, not all clients have this ‘neglecting’ intention with escorts. In fact, many clients stay loyal to one woman. However, I’d say not to worry about such matters.
Thankfully, I have always maintained a decent, quality handful of regular clients besides my Sheik. I have known some of them for several years. However, these men are not bound to me in any way. Most of them are married. I see them when they request me, but I do not intervene in their lives further, nor do I let them intervene in my own life. Whether or not my regular clients see other girls or not is not of my concern. I have no expectation of them.

In my days working in a high-end brothel, I saw many escorts get furious when their regular client started seeing another girl. Instead of blaming the client, they often blamed the other escort for allegedly ‘stealing’ her client. But blaming other escorts is hardly valid. Blaming the client is also invalid. It is simply part of the industry. Relationships in this industry are very fluid, so I prepare myself to never take things too seriously.
Sometimes I am unable to see my regular clients because I am busy in my personal life. At times I have even encouraged some of my regular clients to see other escorts. If I had a female friend who’s an escort, then I would recommend my client to see her. If you are an escort who has the notion of ‘hoarding’ clients then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I have found that my ‘openness’ with clients has made them more loyal to me.

6. Do Escorts Like Clients who are ‘Big,’ ‘Well-Endowed?’

From observing conversations with other escorts, most women tend to complain when a client is too big, or too much work (meaning too demanding and takes too long to ejaculate). For instance, if a clients’ size is too big and the intercourse is anticipated to be painful, then we might decline having sex with him. If he is rather large, most of us hope the sex will be quick. Some escorts with very big ego’s will say things like, “I’m not going to risk hurting my pussy with one client, it’s not worth it.” Personally, I have declined to have sex with clients who are too large, because I didn’t feel the potential pain was ‘worth’ my time.

Surprisingly, very ‘big’ men are not common as one may think. Most clients are average in genital size. Many escorts even develop a preference for ‘smaller’ men, because the assumption is that it will do less impact to her body. I prefer average or smaller with clients, because logically it’s easier on my body.  My personal preference in my personal life is another story.  If I happen to be aroused on a particular day, I must admit that I have preferred an ‘endowed’ size over small.  I can recall a few weeks ago I was so aroused one day, and I was meeting a new client. I was immensely full of desire and was hoping that he would be ‘bigger,’ but to my dismay he was like quite small.

I should note that penis size does not guarantee pleasure. A lot of men are insecure about their size, but my view is that size is very secondary to giving pleasure to a woman. Pleasure is not just about physical aspects but also relates to mental stimulation and geometric fit of each participant. Great pleasure is never simply mind or body; it is the combination of both. To illustrate this in another way: a beautiful woman may attract someone, but her body alone is not enough to draw genuine and immense longing from another person.  I may attract men with my looks, but when they truly fall in love they fall in love with other elements that are not just physical.

7. Is it a Bad to Have an Escort Girl for a Girlfriend?

Why is it bad? It is only ‘bad’ because Modern society has a cruel and unjust attitude towards prostitutes. An escort is no different than any other human being. She is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such a view needs to be challenged.

8. Do Escorts Enjoy Having Sex?

I sometimes get annoyed when I repetitively see questions like these, because asking such a question makes the assumption that human emotions can be standardized and generalized like an inanimate product.

I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts, because human beings have a diverse span of emotions, experiences and life circumstances which all form their unique way of viewing life (and viewing others). If an escort likes sex, it does not mean she will like sex with just anyone. Of course not.

As I have stressed before on this blog: things such as chemistry are not ‘learned’ behaviors – no amount of superficial efforts can create chemistry.  Two people desiring each other remains as mysterious today as it has in the past – chemistry is a phenomenon that has no linear explanation.

9. Being an Escort: How to Keep a Normal Life Going with This Double Life I’m Living?

A question what one needs to ask themselves is: what constitutes as being normal? Is it obedience to authority? Is it acting like everyone else? It is not questioning the dominant trends or discourses? A lot of the Modern norms that exist today serve the purpose of benefiting a system of inequality and dehumanization rather than a humanistic and collectivist purpose. A question I had to ask myself in recent years is: It there even a point to continue striving for a ‘normal’ life when my life is anything but the norm?

I had mentioned in my blog previously that I make tremendous efforts to conform in public. The way I dress, act and appear is very conforming (normal) from a public perspective. The purpose of conforming is to avoid rejection; I once desperately wanted to belong and be accepted by others. But in the process of appearing normal I was truly rejecting myself. It also became very exhausting trying to play different roles in different settings, so often I just isolated myself as it was the only place I could stop pretending to be someone I was not.

For years after becoming an escort, I struggled with my identity. I didn’t know who I was, and I focused more on what I was expected to be. I was performing several different roles, catering to the needs of everyone else. I was an escort, but I had to conceal this part of my life. How could I look, act and mingle like the majority of people when my experiences, tastes and ideas were totally different? How could I interact with normal women who would probably shun me if they knew my secret lifestyle? This is when I realized that society has made no place for stigmatized persons; for years it was emotionally exhausting feeling I must hide myself all the time.

Other escorts realize their rejection in mainstream society early on, so they find social support among other sex workers. But I couldn’t do this. I felt estranged even among most other escorts — sadly, there is no sense of wholesome solidarity/community among escorts in an Individualistic society. Many escorts are still profoundly influenced by gender role expectations (ironically) and tend to judge each other. I found that escorts usually bond together in their misery. Rather than deal with their pain together in a wholesome manner, they resort to ‘numbing’ their pain together by way of partying, drinking, excessive materialism and/or drug use. “Misery loves company” is a perfect phrase for when escort solidarity does exist. It isn’t only stigmatized persons, but also a lot of seemingly normal people tend to ‘party’ away their misery, because they themselves get tired of trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal placed upon their gender. Social pressures surely can explain why the ‘drinking and party’ culture is so prevalent in Western societies, because drinking allows people to be artificially feel comfortable with themselves. Personally, I try my best to avoid such artificial situations. For me, the only place where I could reveal myself is when I was alone. My other outlet is when I fell in love.

Early on, I desired the ‘normal’ life and expectations for a woman: to fall in love, to get married and to have a family. I imagined that I could easily transition into a ‘normal’ life once getting married and settling down. And I almost did it. I stopped working for a long portion when I was with my ex-fiance. But throughout our relationship, I realized that my experiences of being a sex worker prevented me from conforming to the tastes and mannerisms of mainstream society, because I still had to hide myself. My ex-fiance accepted me and never judged me for selling my body, but the struggle remained within myself. In the early years of escorting, I was in denial of the fact that I wasn’t like ‘normal’ girls. I sold my body, but I felt I was better than most escorts because my outside lifestyle and mannerisms were normative. But now, I have come to accept that I am a woman with a totally different outlook compared to the average girl. I see sides of men and their sexuality that most women never see. My experiences have made my life anything but normal. And now I accept it, and I stop trying to look for straight lines.

So can an escort ever live a normal life? Sure, she can pretend her life is normal for outsiders, but inside she will be hiding a lot of emotions. A person can only hide themselves for so long. Sadly, I do not have a sound answer to this question, as there isn’t really any wholesome alternatives made for sex workers in a Modern Western context. I personally found comfort in associating myself with people who are open-minded and critical of certain social norms. I also find that a lot of students in the Arts and Social Sciences discipline (sociology, gender studies, history, humanities, anthropology and the like) are quite open-minded and accepting of alternative lifestyles, as most of our research is to deconstruct/understand such phenomena opposed to blind subordination. There are a minority of decent, wholesome people who challenge the unjust notions of society and are in favor of alternative lifestyles.

A lot of great films about courtesans and ‘fallen women’ really depict this emotional struggle that we face, where a prostitute realizes her place in society is un-welcomed, abnormal, detestable and condemned. Shortly, I will post a list of great films that portray the life and emotions of a prostitute. One of the greatest films about the life and misery of a courtesan is an old Bollywood film titled, “Pakeezah.” A translation of a powerful line in the film is when Sahib Jaan (the courtesan) says to her beloved, “wherever you take me, my disgrace will eventually find me.” That line clearly shows her loss of hope, knowing that her soul is irreversibly scarred by her maligned experiences.

An excellent analysis of the courtesan film, “Pakeezah” can be found here: http://mrandmrs55.com/2012/04/16/the-immortal-dialogue-of-pakeezah/

I press red lipstick against my soft lips and decorate my eyes with dark liner. For a second, I imagine you are staring at me in all my vanity. How I know it will arouse you to see me so delicate and so alluring. Not only do I look as if saturated in lust, but my scent is just as daring, my demeanor is even more risqué. Its all yours, I say to myself.

Then I squeeze my generous portions of breasts into a silk and lace bra…a bra too small for my voluptuous breasts. How inviting they are…and how I long for you too see me in such a spectacular sight. Finally, I slip on a matching panty over hips that were made to be grasped by loving hands.

I caress my breasts and close my eyes. I caress myself by imitating all the ways you once touched me. I am taken back to a vision when your hands lovingly grabbed a hold of my soft flesh….and how they were placed onto the warmth of your mouth. My scent is dripping in allure, and how I long for you to taste me.

I’ve prepared my body for a client…drenched in my sensual ritual. My body is ready to arouse, to evoke admiration. I anticipate how a strange man will feast his eyes on my womanly body, along with my reddened lips and eyes. He will be mesmerized by my smile, and he will feast on my enticing curves. But my dearest, I wish it wasn’t some strange man who is granted such pleasures — I wish it was you.

Now he see’s me and compliments my vain efforts. Slowly everything comes off, all my attire. The only thing that remains is the erotic nature of my face, and a very exposed body. Instead of you, it is a strange mans mouth who explores and tastes my body. When he parts my legs, how I long for you to be in his place. So I close my eyes, and imagine that your soft lips are touching my skin.

He is so aroused, and yet I only long to see your arousal. I have no desire to tease him with my ornaments like I did with you, nor show him my erotic capabilities ..no, I reserve them all for you. Yet still I pretend..I pretend as if your touch is what I feel. Take my body and immerse yourself in me. He is left fulfilled and satisfied, while my insatiable desire is left longing…….yearning.

The job is done. I remove the facade one by one, and slip back into normal attire. I put back the jewelry, and fine lingeries. I look at them closely and recite a line I once heard: “What are these pearls for ….if they are valued by no one?”

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old idiom (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me who for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I took advantage of his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, generous amount of savings, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. The things I desire are family, good friendships and love. And to have a family with security and protection (something I didn’t have) I need to have marriage, to a good man — a good man that I once had, but I threw him away. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if live is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means that he will lose his family, his career. Staying here means our children will have only one set of grandparents, from my side. Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

—————————————–

I adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

Sorry I haven’t posted in a long time! I will be writing again very soon. I also apologize for my delay in answering comments and emails. I will be in touch soon.

Sincerely,
Exotic Escort Diary

Above is a very controversial photo by Saudi artist Aziz Al-Qahtani. This photo, among others, has caused a lot of negative reactions from viewers for numerous reasons. In particular, his photo captures the very opposite of the socially accepted gender narrative of ‘dominant man, submissive woman.’ 

I’ve been writing extensively lately, but unfortunately all my writings are half-finished or I am reluctant to post them. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of research for my academic life on human sexuality and gender. So far, I’ve come across great research on gender norms, and I’ve related it to my personal life. Gender roles such as ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ are not innate, but rather are socially constructed.

I have not clearly stated on my site about my sexual identity: In my personal relationships, I am a femdom. A femdom is a woman who is sexually dominant and typically holds authority in her relationships. There are many stereotypes associated with female dominance — many which don’t attribute to me personally. For instance, I am not a leather-clad ‘bitch’ who acts in a vulgar manner. Nor is my dominance about physically punishing men into submissiveness – my partners willingly and eagerly submit. I identify more with the notion of ‘female-loving authority’ where I am more like an authoritative, disciplinary, yet loving female-figure. I simply assert my own needs, yet I also am loving and nurturing in return. So, consequently, I like submissive men. Yet contrary to what one may assume, men who are sexually submissive in relationships are quite dominant in their career, personal lives.

In the West and beyond, female dominance is not the societal norm. For the most part, many societies are patriarchal. Patriarchy in society influences how gender roles in sexual relations are conducted. For instance, men are pressured to be masculine, which translates into dominance. In sex, men are supposed to take on a role of control and dominance over women. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be ‘feminine’ which is attributed with passiveness, gentleness, and submission. Of course, many of us do not adhere to these gendered norms, but they are still very powerful. More importantly, these roles are expected.

I am dominant as a woman. However, my sexual dominance is something I often disguise initially. I am usually discrete about my sexual assertiveness with clients unless they signal that they desire to submit to me. In my personal relationships, I usually start off mimicking traditional female gender roles in sex — being gentle and passive. What can explain why I follow these gender narratives? Because it’s the norm, and to be ‘safe’ I conform. I often state about myself, “I appear like everyone else, but internally I am an out-caste.” I am quite sure I am not alone in that feeling.

Gender narratives of women as ‘feminine’ and men as ‘masculine’ have become social norms. Therefore, physical sex also has gendered norms. Following gendered norms is met with social acceptance, and deviance from norms is met with rejection. Humans are social beings, therefore we often avoid behaviour that leads to social rejection. Of course, we are fully aware that social rejection causes undesirable outcomes, such as depression and loneliness.

So what are the implications for those of us who do NOT follow the ideal of our sex? How do men cope when they do not fit the ideal of ‘manliness?’ If a man acts submissive during sex, he may face rejection by his female partner as she has adhered to gender norms prescribed for sex (that men should take control). Men also face rejection by society in various ways when they do not exhibit ‘masculine’ habits. For instance, non-masculine men are often called derogatory terms likened to femininity in terms such as ‘sissy.’ Both sexes endorse these gendered narratives also by  refering to non-masculine men as ‘unmanly.’ I’ve seen many articles online where husbands confess they are secretly submissive and they are seeking advice on how to approach their wives about femdom. These men are worried that their wives will reject them for their ‘strange’ fantasies. They have a valid reason to believe their wives may reject them, because many women often expect and desire men to ‘take control.’ Likewise, dominant women may feel reluctant to demand their sexual pleasure because their male partner might adhere to the narrative that women should ‘submit’ during sex. Many women fear of being labeled as a ‘slut’ if she displays her sexual talents/desires too openly.

I, like many others, feel these patriarchal gender roles during sex are flawed. For one, one-sided sexual intercourse (where men orgasm, and the woman doesn’t) creates tension between male and female lovers. Wonder why many women aren’t that horny or suddenly lose interest? Such women have either have never orgasmed, or they are not getting good pleasure from their lovers. We cannot blame men who lack sexual skills, but rather we should look at how society undermines female dominance in various forms (porn, the Media, education, etc).

The norm of women being submissive and passive about their sexuality has also caused rebellion in men: many men express a desire to have a dominant woman. Many men are tired of the ‘masculine’ pressure of being dominant and always in control, especially in sex. Yet this desire is often not openly expressed, because again, there is negative social consequences for not following social norms. I argue that a lot of these men resort to prostitutes, as prostitutes are often more exposed and accepting to variations of sexual identity.

Women who are sexually assertive also have their own worries. Women, like myself, can be hesitant to express their sexual needs with new lovers. Many men are not used to the idea of female dominance, even though ironically a growing number of men are expressing a desire for female domination. The double standard still exists in society where women are stigmatized for being sexually ‘enlightened’, whereas men are not. Even women themselves reject other women who are sexually assertive. I am fully aware that I will be judged negatively if I am open about my sexual escapades and fantasies, as I am at high risk for being stigmatized and thus rejected. Often, I tell a ‘white’ lie about my sexual history in order to avoid stigma. For instance, if a ‘normal’ friend (someone who doesn’t know I’m a prostitute) asked how many men I’ve slept with I will give a socially acceptable answer: “Maybe 4 or 5?” I have also downplayed my sexual experience when I’ve dated ‘normal’ men by acting ‘innocent.’ People often manipulate the truth to avoid being castigated. Society tends to term people who don’t conform as ‘deviants,’ which has a negative connotation that such people are morally bad. Yet who dictates what is morally correct or not? I do believe in social norms, but the problem with Western Liberal social norms is that they often don’t reflect the entire population. That’s another debate in itself.

Thankfully, there are outlets for alternative sexualities. However, the stigmas remain, and will continue to remain because such practices are a threat to dominant discourse. The point is, there is no universal script of sexuality and gender, despite society’s attempt to maintain one.

I loved checking my stats for this blog and seeing the numerous search engine terms. It gives an idea of what people think about prostitutes. One thing that pops up very often is the question: do prostitutes get pleasure? I answered that question in previous posts. But I should restate it: we have sex with clients for money, not out of pleasure (even though some of us enjoy some clients). The other common misconception is that many people assume a whore (a woman who loves sex) is synonymous with a prostitute (a woman who has sex for money). Ahh…it is interesting how we live in a world that’s obsessed with sex. Why is it such an issue? Well, human sexuality has become political (causing a moral panic). Why? It leads to reproduction. What is the most important thing to national leaders? To reproduce their society, so they can gain dominance in this competitive (poisoned), capitalistic world. Anyway, I won’t get in to that now….

Your Question: Should I get a female prostitute for my wife?

If its her idea, sure. Be sure to find a quality, experienced lady (usually private escorts). I’ve always fantasized to have a beautiful, wholesome woman to be my client. Or vice versa: I have the fantasy of being a patron for a beautiful, wholesome courtesan. But it’s not practical nor common having a beautiful woman seek an escort.

Once I saw a couple. It was the woman who wanted to live out this fantasy. It was a very great experience. The woman was not particularly my type, but regardless she was lovely. I cannot explain the intensity of touching and caressing a woman while a man is getting so turned on by the very sight. She made me cum, while her lover watched. It made me wonder if such openness between couples is a truly a good thing?

While some fantasies sound good in theory, are they good in reality? I used to tell my ex about my threesome fantasies. He loved when we talked about it, but he said that he would never do it. Why not? He said it wasn’t healthy for a relationship. His argument was this: if we do it once, then what if one of us has uncontrollable urges to do it again and again?

Your Question: As an Escort, How Much Should I Charge clients?

Basic economics 101: It’s the law of supply and demand, which varies from city to city. For instance, there is an abundance of ‘inexpensive’ women available in my locale. More women = lower prices. Less women = higher prices.  Dave Chapelle made a hilarious joke related to this, “If Pussy was a stock, then we’ve flooded the market! Women are giving it away too easy.”

My price is in the higher-end range for my city, which also means I limit my clientele (since many men cannot afford my rate/rather restrictive rules). I adjust my rate depending on which city I am in. When I worked overseas the particular city was wealthier and therefore I could increase my price. There is a demand for ‘high-quality’, safe escorts for a more discerning clientele, but these type of women are a minority in the sex industry.

I must also note that not every girl can successfully charge high rates. Men have certain expectations with women who charge higher-than-average rates. For one, they expect professionalism (aka, a skilled escorted). Although part-time, I consider myself a very skilled courtesan. Over the years, I learned how to cater to the needs of a client and how to act like the companion that he desires. If a woman does not satisfy the expectations associated with her price, then she will not have repeat clients. She must be ‘worth it’, but again, one’s worth is also a perception.

Your Question: What do Girls do after Appointments?

We eat! I don’t know what it is about sex, but hunger and thirst follows afterwards. It’s a universal among escorts that we love eating (especially when we work in a brothel establishment together). We order food in abundance. Sometimes we make our clients wait so we can eat some chocolate or delicious delicacies. To be quite honest, I miss the ‘in between time’ when working at a brothel. The ‘in between time’ is when girls have a break in between seeing clients. We sit together, a group of girls (hopefully a good group — because escort are infamous for their cattiness), we order food, some smoke cigarettes, we tease and laugh about our clients, and we discuss the most vulgar subjects. Many times the night turned into an all-girl party; we all made money, celebrated and laughed until it hurts. As an independent, I don’t get to experience any of that ‘female bonding’ anymore (which is also a good thing….escorts can be terrible influences on each other).

The ‘good’ girls never last long at brothels…they eventually move on to something or somewhere else. There used to be a good group of escort girls that I knew when I worked overseas. These girls made going to work fun. They were educated girls with other goals. Eventually the group disintegrated and we went our separate ways. It was during these female ‘in-between’ bonding times that I got to observe a lot of behaviors/realities/circumstances for women who are in the sex industry. Yet for the short time we shared together, we gave each other support.

Your Question: How to “fuck prostitutes and not get caught by wife?”

This mentality makes me cringe sometimes. I understand social pressures and not wanting to break-up the family, but the sneakiness of infidelity is alarming. The only infidelity that I don’t really condemn is with men who’ve been married for a lengthy time, and their wives (due to old age, disability, no interest, etc) do not have sex anymore.  But I do not feel sympathy for younger men, especially newly married men, who cheat on their wives just for the sake of ‘variety.’ If variety is what you desire, then opt for an open relationship or don’t get into a relationship with someone who expects monogamy. If only there was more openness in relations.

Once, I met a great client who was in an open relationship (his wife knew he was seeing me). They were a normal, loving couple with children. They were educated and realistic about their needs. They had a private, semi-open relationship, complete with set boundaries. Both were permitted to see other people within reason, but the main restriction was: no sex with others. And that man, as a client, was utmost respectful of his wife’s restrictions and remained disciplined. Their relationship made me more warm towards the idea of an open-relationship (something I haven’t tried …it’s always been one-sided, in my favor).

Sadly, many men do go to lengths to hide their sexual affairs. They get private mobile phones, they slip away for an hour or so, and even bring their own soap. One of my married clients brings his own body-wash, because he worries that my ‘girly-scented’ soaps will make his wife suspicious.

Your Question: Why would an Escort want to stop seeing a client?

Well, as mentioned, some men develop strong feelings for us (which can make us uncomfortable). It’s problematic when the love is one sided (he falls in love, and we just liked him as a client only). Love is an irreversible thing…I can’t just tell a man to ‘stop loving me’ and he will switch his emotions off. Sometimes these men can also interfere with our personal lives, which gets overbearing. When I was overseas, I had a devoted client who fell in love with me, and we became quite close. However, I only just saw him as a favorable regular client of mine. He became obsessive, and I had to end it. (I will talk about him in a future post). There are also issues of morality. In rare cases, it is the escort who truly likes a client, and thus she might feel uncomfortable to continue seeing him as a client (but in most cases, it’s usually the first scenario mentioned above).

It might be shocking to know that I, as a sex worker, have my own morals. Sometimes clients are too candid about their personal lives. They openly tell me they are married or attached, or they have children, or their life stories, etc. In my brothel days, one particular client told me too many personal details about his life, and as a result I rejected him. Why? He was a very sweet man, but his life circumstances conflicted with my morals. When I first met him, his wife (as he told me) was heavily pregnant with their second child. He said he was working two jobs to make a good life for his family. He claimed his wife being pregnant as an excuse for no intimacy between them. He also stated how he loved his wife dearly. Yet ironically, he was spending a large sum of money (for him) to spend time with me. I couldn’t justify it. He wasn’t financially well off, and the money he used to pay for me could be put to better use (he could use that much-needed money for his family). For this reason, I advised him to stop seeing me. I told him to go home to his pregnant wife, and give her comfort, do something special for her , but don’t spend hundreds of dollars (that you really cannot afford) for spending one hour admiring an escort. It amazes me how far men will go just to have sex and be with a woman!

Did he listen? No, of course not. Men love women who are ‘unavailable.’ According to him, I was special. I was the only girl he saw. For him, he felt I was ‘worth it.’ But I felt guilty taking money that could be used for someone (his wife and child) who needed it more. So, I told him, once again, to stop seeing me. That was the last time, and soon after I stopped working in that particular establishment. Apparently, he still calls the establishment looking for me

Your Question: How to Make Clients Spend Money on You?

The only thing I can say is be yourself. Don’t be greedy, be thankful. I am an honest escort. I have been in many situations where I could ‘exploit’ the situation of my clients for gain. I know how to do it, but it goes against my personal ethics. I am a woman who has a heart, and therefore I cannot hurt people intentionally. I see the merit in honesty.

But! Unfortunately, not all escorts (or women, people for that matter) have honest intentions! I’ve seen plenty of women (working and non-working) who can lie, use and manipulate good people for their own selfishness.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in the past and hurt decent people. But it hurt me also.

If you are an escort looking for cheap and easy ways to “scam” a man…you are reading the wrong blog. It is an unfortunate truth that many women in the industry are not honest, and do give the honest ones a bad reputation.

Your Question: Do Escorts ever Fall in Love with One Man?

Sure. We are human. Why do people assume that our needs/desires are any different than a non-escort? Some prefer one, some prefer multiple, maybe women….depends on the individual.

Personally, I really wonder if I could love just one man.

Your Question: Does Escort Work Ruin Her Sex Life? (Does Prostitution Ruin our Personal Sex Lives?)

It’s a logical question. One would think that having too much sex would be physically draining (especially because society assumes that women are hardly horny). I’m sure this is the case for some women, because too many women are still shy or unaware of their erotic capabilities. But personally, sex work intensified my desires. Sometimes, seeing clients is like a big tease (a build up), and makes me crave my personal lovers. In fact, I attribute that being with multiple clients taught me so many great things about intimacy. My experience with countless clients made me a better, more enthusiastic lover in my personal life. In this blog I focus on the implications of escorting, which are solely negative. But I have to say being a prostitute gave me access to some sexually-talented men, and contributed to me being in tuned with my body and thus have an amazing personal sex life. Something about being a courtesan makes me feel sexually assertive, and enhanced my natural dominance (Femdom). Perhaps this reason could explain why most clients are concerned with making sure I get pleasure.

I apologize to my viewers for not posting lately. I have been writing extensively, but my thoughts, like my life, are complex, confusing and dynamic.

I find myself becoming more cynical towards Western ideology, and all of its implications. I can sum up Western ideology as: money accumulation, perpetual growth, competition and individual gain. These are all values that I, unknowingly, adopted. Western ideology is what I attribute to my self-destruction. I am starting to view Western indoctrination as ‘poison.’ And people who practice such traits, I refer to them as ‘poisoned.’ I am ‘poisoned’ myself, yet I am aware of it’s negativity.

So why so cynic? The more I study about the history of cultures and make comparisons I realize that the Modern world has failed to fulfil the basic human need: belonging.  Individualism, by way of Western ideology, had turn most of us into self-indulgent, narcissists. The implications of ‘greed’ is that we neglect others for self-gain — thus, the human need to belong is jeopardized. The inequalities between the favored and unfavored are growing.

Yet so many people are unaware of this. Many notions of Western ideology are unchallenged by the majority, because they are so embedded into our minds (most of us do not think about the origin of these values). How often do people challenge the concept of ‘growth’ and realize that accumulation of things is not sustainable?Others may be aware, but they have no need to worry, because they are ‘normative’ people who get along well with like-minded individuals. But what about the outcastes? What about people who do not fit the ‘norm’ of society? They suffer. They are isolated. Nobody pays attention to them. Suicide crosses their minds, because the worst punishment for anyone is social isolation. As Emile Durkheim notes, those who belong are less likely to commit suicide. Suicide is linked to social cohesion.

I strongly admire those who are not affected by this ‘poison.’ I cannot admire those who possess all of the negative traits that I possess. I outcaste myself. I don’t like doing things that most people my age do. I am still ‘poisoned’,  yes. I still carry poisonous items, such as designer items,….but slowly, I hope to getaway from all these things that are meaningless in life. What has meaning? Love, family, traditions, spirituality, nature.

Sometimes I have this dream…to run away. I love that novel by James Hilton, “Lost Horizon,” where a traveler accidentally arrives at a blissful haven on earth, away from the ills of civilization. Yet I have traveled the world. I have travel to several parts of the world, trying to find meaning. I have traveled to rich and poor regions of the world. The unfortunate reality is that the entire world is being incorporated into this ‘poison’ — adopting Western ideology (capitalism). The old traditions will, tragically, die out.

On a recent venture to the Middle East, my expectations of culture-rich society was met with disappointment — it is very evident that adopting the notion of wealth accumulation is destroying the beauty of the old traditions. Most cultures were manipulated, via colonialism and coersion, into this new modern ideology. In the rich Gulf States, most women and men are no longer concerned with tradition, but rather men are focused on comparing Ferrari and Maseratis in the Majles, and women are concerned with the latest Chanel or Birkin handbag and beautifying themselves on a  ’plastic surgery’ trip to Lebanon. What is more disheartening is that it’s very ‘uncool’ to be conservative. It’s common to hear unintellectual youngsters being proud of not being beduoin or having beduoin mannerisms.

Often, I like to imagine if I had a child one day. Where is the best place to live with good communal values? How would I protect my son or daughter from these individualistic ideals and practices that plague the majority? How do I prevent my child from living a meaningless life of going to nightclubs, drinking, drugs and using material things to determine their self-worth?

I was once the epitome of everything that I currently detest. Yet often I wonder why didn’t I end up like the majority? I feel very grateful for my experiences, otherwise I would have continued with empty, shallow habits. Everything happens for a reason

For the most part, men have never truly appealed to me. For instance, handsome men have never grasped my interest. Even a man who possesses qualities that I like (being intellectual, good at sex, love for cultures and fascination with the unconventional) isn’t enough to make me interested. I have no interest because there is always men in my life. I’ve been surrounded by men for the last several years, whether they are my clients or my lovers, so there is no incentive to have an interest in other men (unless they speak my language, which is money — my addiction, unfortunately).

Yet one man, for the first time, had sparked my interests. He is neither a client, nor a lover…he is my school friend. We have known each other for a while now. When we first met, I had no interest in him. His dashing handsome looks didn’t sway me at all, as I assumed he was a typical male ‘bimbo’ chasing the dream of riches and social prestige like most other students.  But as fate had it, we ended up in several classes together. I discovered he had a keen interest in all the things I love, and rather than chase riches he was thirsty for knowledge. Soon I came to realize that this handsome man was far from typical. I had prejudged him. He was far from vain and ‘empty’ headed. His admirable personality had conquered my interest, and I discovered that he was also captivated by mine. He confessed that he liked my views and the fact that I was opinionated and rather dominant when I felt passionate about something. We became friends, and it was obvious that we both felt an attraction to each other. Yet suddenly, my behaviour towards him changed. Previously, in classes, he was talking to me, sitting with me, and leaving with me. We were growing closer, which worried me.  Suddenly, I stopped everything. I changed completely, because I had realized something: “I can’t do this.” I don’t want to get close to him.

But the truth is I liked him a lot as a person, despite my actions. I went from friendly and interested to instantly cold and standoffish to him. I tried to avoid him at school. If he came to talk with me, I was very brief and walked away. I purposely sat far away from him. Essentially, I wanted to let him know: I’m not interested, back off. I dismissed him. We still bump into each other. I try to ignore him, but he, being the sweet man he is, always approaches and asked how I am doing and what’s new in my life. I try to end the conversations abruptly. I tell him I am busy and have to do something important. In his view, he thinks I don’t like him anymore. Yet ironically, I love his mind. What can explain why I have changed my attitude towards him?

As an escort, I am addicted to money. My poisoned mind tells me this: any non-profiting relationship with a man seems counterproductive (a waste of time).  Of course, I’m aware that my poisoned thoughts are wrong and self-harming. But aside from money, how can I possibly relate to a man who has no idea about my secret? I can’t tell him. I know he won’t judge me, but I don’t want him to know this about me. Even if such a man accepts my ‘secret’ and even seeks to help me, like previous lovers, he can’t. The stigma follows me, because it’s scarred my soul. Only I have the power to heal my wounds, and essentially change my fate.

My other reasonings are simple: I am dead. He is alive. He is a man optimistic about life and has so much positive energy to give to others (which I admire). I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I am pessimistic about life, and I spread negativity. My life experiences have made me so jaded, and resultantly I don’t want to get close to many people. I isolate myself, because it’s easier than explaining my ‘successful’ independence. I can’t be with a man who I met in ‘normal’ circumstances, because I will not give up my escort-life for him (a man who isn’t my client). And it isn’t fair to escort without his knowledge. I can already predict the web of lies if we become too close. Like others, he will ask, “How come you don’t work? Where did you obtain the money for everything you have?” And what can I tell him? Do I tell him that I’ve slept with hundreds of men for money, and that I am aware of every sexual technique that exists? Of course I can’t. Rather than lie, I’d rather avoid the situation entirely, which means avoiding him.

On a side note: His attraction to me was something I admired. Unlike most men, I didn’t seduce him with my beauty. In fact, his attraction was the ‘real’ me…..which is not glamorous at all. I am not a glamorous woman in my day-to-day life, I am very simplistic. Doing my makeup, making sure my hair is perfect and dressing fashionably everyday is too much effort, let alone shallow. The only time I make an effort to look beautiful (in an objectifying way) is when I have an incentive: money. Otherwise, I have little incentive to be appealing externally. I didn’t have to objectify myself to spark his attention, which made me adore him even more.