Category Archives: Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

Over the years, I have encountered various types of escorts/call girls/prostitutes. Some fit the stereotype (being from broken homes, had been sexually abused), while others do not fit it all. Most of the women, or I would like to say all (including myself), have some sort of emotional problem (then again, who doesn’t?). In my case, I had depression. Now, however, I realize my depression was due to low self-esteem and fear of rejection, and I made it worse by isolating myself from others. Prostitution was a source of income that allowed me to feel good about myself, but later I realized it made my self-esteem worse because I was (and continue to be) mainly praised soley for my sex appeal.

In the beginning, I sold myself to gain social prestige. As mentioned in previous posts, I grew up in a middle- to upper class neighbourhood. However, in my late teens my family fragmented, and our socio-economic status became poor. I could not cope with being poor, because meanwhile my peers lived stable “normal” lives with many luxuries. Prostitition allowed me to remain ‘higher’ class, but only later I realized the whole concept of CLASS is a terrible way to define oneself. I wasted many years trying to please the WRONG people, people who reject others because they don’t follow the norms of society.

The Materialistic Prostitute/Escort/Call Girl

I am talking about women who sell themselves for material, superficial gain. I’d say it’s a relatively new form of prostitution that is becoming increasingly common. A materialistic prostitute aspires to obtain symbols that uplift her status in the social hierarchy.  In advanced nations “status” materials, such as a Chanel handbag, means that one is wealthy, and therefore considered better (because such a society assumes those who are prettier, wealthier, and powerful are better). In theory, it sounds insane…but of course the societies of advanced nations promote perverted ideals.

During my first years of escorting I made lots of money, fast money. I spent it instantly, because the money was alway available. Louis Vuitton, Prada, silk blouses, fancy dresses, beautiful shoes. I could buy what I desired, or at least what I thought I desired. I still have those items, which now I realize have no sentimental value.  Again, my mind was exposed to various parts of the world as a child. My mind saw the difference between ‘modern’ and ‘traditional.’ I could not go further away from traditional, because I noticed that simple and traditional things were things that made me feel genuinely happy. The ‘modern, advance, glitzy’ world didn’t really make me happy….but rather it made me a slave to selling myself. I sold myself to gain status, which translates to gaining acceptance from higher-class individuals by mimicking their dress and mannerisms.

My story is not rare. Infact, there are many, many middle-class girls who are selling themselves for wasteful reasons like I did. They open their legs and perform things they don’t really like to men they don’t really like for a Louis Vuitton handbag.

Having said that, I am still a prostitute. I don’t really sell myself for bags and designer goods anymore. I sell myself because (apart from being an addiction) this is something I’ve become good at. I do enjoy some aspects of sex, and I do enjoy some (definitely not all) clients. I don’t know if its right or wrong for me to continue to do this. I have to be thankful that I am ABLE to do this. I am lucky that my financial survival comes from a man who I love and enjoy, but at the same time I am aware of how our ‘no future’ horizon may clash with my dreams of being a Mother one day.

Countless women are dating men who they don’t love, because they want their money and to be pampered. This is known as a ‘sugar-daddy’ relationship, but it’s not different than prostitution. Personally, I cannot pretend to be in love with a man and be his girlfriend for money. I am affectionate as a courtesan, but I am straight-forward with my emotions to my clients.

Indeed, the political, social and economic structures that dominate most of the world are deeply influencing why women are seeking relationships based on wealth rather than based on love. It also can be said these factors are influencing men to view women as objects that can be essentially “used” for sexual purposes only.  Let’s face it, the new modern world worships money and its becoming increasingly patriarchal. Women as sex objects and sex vixens become subordinates to male power. I used to feel that being a prostitute and having my own money made me powerful, but then I realized I am actually feeding an addiction to something that harms me, money.

It is not only the West where this is happening. Middle-class girls of semi-industrialized countries are seeking rich, elite men to finance their materialistic dreams. I have even read about Saudi women who give up their bodies (of course, not their virginity) to  desperate Saudi men under the circumstance he ‘spoils’ them with an expensive handbag or shoes. These women are not to blame. It’s the influence of Western Liberalism that is worrisome. I do not believe prostitutes should be condemned or considered inferior just because they sell their bodies, but something is terribly wrong when women are doing it for overly-inflated designer handbags and silicone breasts. I did it, and I don’t agree with my behaviour at all. The sad part is, this material-consumer culture still consumes me and I feel tremendous pressure. My worth for most of my life, even as a child, was based on superficial things (my body). How do I ‘unlearn’ 20-some years of being valued for what on the outside? It’s not easy. It’s not easy at all….especially in a society that put emphasis on the exterior.

Prostitution Slavery / Trafficked Women / Sex Slaves

People tend to think sex slaves are confined to poorer countries. However, they exist everywhere. In the West, there are always stories about women who were lured to a rich country in hopes to find a decent job, yet they get forced into sexual slavery to pay back their alleged debts.

I have not done extensive research on trafficked women, but I would love to do so in the future. It is well known that there are young Iraqi prostitutes in Syria and elsewhere in the Middle East…catering to Saudi male sex tourists. It really scares me. Without a doubt these women do not choose to be prostitutes, but rather they have no choice between doing it or starving. It is heart-breaking to hear stories of families selling their daughters. One must ask how great is this new ‘modern’ world-system when it can put some families in such a helpless state that they have to sell their daughters in order to eat?

Street Prostitutes

There are different levels of stress prostitutes (hookers). When I began to work as a high-class escort, I also encountered ‘high-track’ women. ‘High-track’ is slang  for high-class street prostitutes. These women all have pimps. Some of these ‘elite’ girls work as escorts in private, or on the ‘high’ part of a designated outdoor area (or some do both). Again, they may not be high-class in the context of being educated and refined. In the sex industry, high-class is more associated with expensive women more so than actual class. Many expensive prostitutes actually come from poverty and working class backgrounds, yet their beauty allows them to be associated with high-prices and status men.

Some high-end street prostitutes I met were quite beautiful, but at first I could never understand why these beautiful women would work on the street and have pimps (men who take their money). Later I learned that these women had a poor concept of self-governance, and were totally dependent on their pimps for survival (sad, indeed). In the U.S., an hour with a high-class street prostitute could range from 500 to 700 US dollars. The rule remains that only women with pimps are allowed to stroll in the designated ‘high-track’ area. Of course, high-class street workers vary from country to country. For instance, in Amsterdam’s Red Light District some high-class girls showcase themselves in windows, while in Bangkok the girls wait outside clubs to solicit themselves.

In what seems like a completely different world, there is low-track. Low-track is the slums, or the worst district/street in a city or town (usually associated with homeless and drug-addicted people). Low-track sex workers are what many people assume is associated with the common prostitute: drug-addicted women selling their bodies for next-t0-nothing or for drugs. These women are perhaps homeless, and are addicted to lethal drugs such as heroin, crack, meth, etc. I have never encountered one of these women, as they exist in another world totally different than the ‘high-class’ world of prostitution. Yet I have no right to degrade these women. They are humans. They all have a story. Nobody knows how or why these women ended up in such a desperate, vulnerable and dangerous place. Where do these women go for help? How do their clients treat them? Indeed they don’t even have homes and usually use sketchy motels.

High-Class Escorts From Poverty/Working Class Backgrounds

As mention, there is an irony associated with ‘high-class’ escorts/prostitutes, because most of the so called ‘high-class’ escorts are women from low-class/poverty backgrounds. Because of their youth or beauty, these women from low-tier backgrounds can sell themselves to wealthy, rich patrons for generous amounts, and as a result some can bring themselves out of poverty. However, many remain in poverty. I have met countless beautiful women who make thousands a week, yet they live in terrible conditions. The reasoning for this is drugs. ‘High-class’ escorts often take ‘high-class’ drugs (cocaine) to cope with their misery. Indeed many of these women hate selling themselves, but they are addicted to the easy money. To cope with their agony of letting undesirable men grope and penetrate their body they use forms of ‘relaxers’ to ease the emotional pain. In my case, I used Louis Vuitton handbags as a source for temporary happiness (which didn’t work), but these girls use partying, drugs, painkillers, and alcohol to deal with their misery. Of course, they end up with multiple addictions, and eventually they end up selling themselves to pay for their drug habits. Eventually, their drug habits damage their beauty, and resultantly, of course, the price of these women drop dramatically at the same rate as their eroding beauty. Many beautiful high-class women, from years of abuse and neglect, end up at low-level street prostitutes. I have seen once beautiful, vibrant escorts turn into desperate, zombie-like addicted women who lost every ounce of innocence from their eyes,…and the worst part is realizing they may soon be on the streets, selling themselves for a hit.

A lot of women in prostitution, regardless of their social status, have been neglected in some form. I have encountered many sex workers coming from unstable families and broken homes. Some of these women were raised in foster-care, some were raped, some were sexually assaulted. Somehow, these women were not nurtured or loved. It’s heartbreaking that they further their pain by joining the sex industry. Some do it by choice, but of course their choice is deeply influenced by their socio-economic situation. Many of these women lose hope, because their life experiences have hardened their viewed of hope. Furthermore, I observed how some sex workers have partners, husbands or boyfriends who also subject them to abuse and neglect. To add to the wound, society essentially rejects prostitutes for their ‘loose’ morals, and thus they are left in a psychological grave. I remember meeting a fellow escort who made decent money. However, she had an abusive boyfriend who gladly took her hard-earned money. The obvious question is: why don’t these women leave their abusive boyfriends? Again, the industry is deeply lonely. Many women would rather have the company of someone rather than nobody, and too often it’s bad company. The cliche “misery loves company” is too true in this case.

The Media’s Unrealistic Depiction of Prostitutes.

I have seen some documentaries/ films / television series on sex workers that glamorize the sex industry. I recall a documentary called, “Cathouse” which depicted the lives of working girls in a Nevada brothel. The show angered me, because it did not depict any reality, or ugly, aspect of the sex industry. Instead, it almost seemed like a marketing scheme to lure more ‘normal’ women into the ‘glamorize’ world of ‘high-class’ sex work. I felt sorry for the sex workers in the film, and I knew for sure that many of them are hiding a lot of pain and are likely unaware of their exploitation.

A good escort is trained not to express her sorrows in public, but rather to keep them inside. I was taught this when I first started working by a former prostitute-turned madam. She told me always to act pleasant and appealing, and never do discuss the realities of my life (the hardships), because in her view (which she is probably correct) clients do not pay to hear a sob-story. Men want sexually attentive, willing, and aroused young women, so thus it’s an escorts job to be an amazing actress most of the time. The sex worker who displays her anger and hostility towards men doesn’t make much money and will not have regular clients. Thus, escorts hold their emotions inside in order to profit handsomely.

Where do Prostitutes Work?

Where prostitutes conduct their business depends on laws of their country/state. As well, different kinds of prostitutes conduct their business differently. I have worked from my own home and inside ‘high-class’ brothel establishments. A few times I have also done ‘out-calls,’ which is what people typically consider an escort or call-girl. An ‘out-call’ means I go to the client at his hotel. Some girls do ‘out-calls’ at a clients home, but I have never done this. I am not comfortable with outcalls, but when I have done it I did it at luxury hotels only. Overall, working independently (from home) is better financially, because I can charge higher rates and I keep all the money. However, working in a ‘high-class’ establishment is safer, but the downside is the owner takes a percentage of my money.

My ventures overseas gave me experience in a ‘high-class’ brothel (sex parlour). It was similar to a mini 5-star hotel, and it was immaculately furnished. This particular brothel could accommodate many clients. It was a very professional setting in which there were receptionists, intercoms to each rooms, flat screen televisions, jacuzzis, dressing rooms for the girls, and even a seperate villa to accommodate girls from out of town. I would be introduced to clients, and when they pick me I would take them to a room for our appointment. The room had showers, a king or queen-size bed, and was properly attired for the service of providing sex. The prices were not affordable, and patrons were generally middle to upper class. Occasionally some working men class men would come, which meant they had to “save-up” for the experience.