Category Archives: Sex

Aside

Escorting: Fears, Risks, and the ‘Girlfriend Experience.’

A female reader emailed me and posed an interesting question:

“I wanted to ask if you get any anxiety about stds? I wonder if escorts can ever feel very safe about meeting so many men who may infect them with something very serious.”

To answer her question: yes, when I first started escorting I had severe anxiety over many things, such as worrying about sexually transmitted diseases. Besides worrying about diseases, I was also worried that too much sex was going to damage me internally, by making me ‘loose.’ I wrote about that previously, which can be viewed here: http://exoticescortdiary.com/2012/03/02/the-myth-of-a-loose-woman/

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When I began escorting, I had very little sexual experience, thus I was a bit fearful of what having sex with strangers might entail. In particular, I was very worried that sleeping with multiple clients was placing me at risk for sex-related diseases. But once more familiar with the industry I realized that the risk was very minimal as I used a condom for oral and sex. My introduction to escorting  began with a high-end establishment that instructed girls to be extremely safe. And by extremely safe this meant there was no such thing as the ‘GFE’ (the Girlfriend Experience). At this high-end agency, escorts risked losing their job if they were caught doing ‘extras.’ Back then, the owner of this particular establishment prided herself in having girls who avoided GFE. In other words, there would be no kissing, no oral sex without a condom, or anything that’s considered intimate-like. Nowadays, such cautious attitudes do not prevail, and virtually all agencies and brothels embrace more risky services associated with the various interpretations of GFE. Men want the closest to passionate sex as possible from an escort — which is why GFE is highly in demand. Every girl has her own interpretation of what GFE entails — it might be oral sex with or without condoms, it might be light kissing or deep french kissing, etc, etc. Yet despite some girls being a little more/or less open-minded for certain acts of foreplay, a condom is always used for sex in any situation.

I’ve maintained the same stance on being safe. However, there is a slight contradiction. As I mentioned before, I did/do cross boundaries with certain clients. Specifically, I give in to receiving pleasure occasionally. A lot of clients then and now were lovely men, who seduced me in a respectful manner. I seldom stop them if they are talented. In such instances, I lavish in my own vanity and pleasure….and I’d think to myself something highly arrogant, such as, “Ahhh, men pay me to give ME pleasure.“

 

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To my readers, I apologize for my absence. I have been writing lots as always, yet most of my writings are half-finished as I’m doing the difficult task of incorporating ideology and context to my observations. What I aim to do is give my readers a broader understanding, and a more ‘academic’ feel for the sex industry. I seek to conceptualize rather than simply sharing my personal accounts. More importantly, I want to avoid ‘essentializing’ traits of men and women, or giving the idea of ‘universals’ for human behavior. In other words, many observed traits of men and women are not innate, but rather are socially constructed. I want to focus on the social conditions that set the norms and habits in certain contexts or circumstances. A lot of what I write is very much context constrained (for the most part, I am writing about ‘high-end’ escorting in a Western social context). Although the experiences and observations I write about are common occurances/trends, they are not universals (they are not traits experienced by all prostitutes cross-culturally, nor historically). I want to make these points clear in my other posts. In any event, I also wish to make this blog a dialogue, so I welcome my readers to comment and share their own perspectives.

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January 22, 2013 · 8:19 am
November 7, 2012 · 8:59 pm

Gender Scripts: Dominance/Submission – Implications of Sexual ‘Deviance’

Above is a very controversial photo by Saudi artist Aziz Al-Qahtani. This photo, among others, has caused a lot of negative reactions from viewers for numerous reasons. In particular, his photo captures the very opposite of the Modern gender narrative of ‘dominant man, submissive woman.’ 

I’ve been writing extensively lately, but unfortunately all my writings are half-finished or I am reluctant to post them. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of research for my academic life on human sexuality and gender. So far, I’ve come across great research on gender norms, and I’ve related it to my personal life. Gender roles such as ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ are not innate, but rather are socially constructed.

In my personal relationships, I am a femdom. A femdom is a woman who is sexually dominant and typically holds authority in her relationships. It plays out in many different ways. Sexually, a dominant women sort of  like a ‘Goddess’ who gets worshiped and admired by men. There are many stereotypes associated with female dominance — many which don’t attribute to me personally. For instance, I am not a leather-clad ‘bitch’ who acts in a vulgar manner. Nor is my dominance about physically punishing men into submissiveness — though I can be sadistic, which my partners willingly and eagerly submit. I identify more with the notion of ‘female-loving authority’ where I am more like an authoritative, disciplinary, yet loving female-figure. I simply assert my own needs, yet I also am loving and nurturing in return. So, consequently, I like men do not adhere to Modern gender roles of masculinity. In the privacy of a relationship, I like submissive men. What is interesting, contrary to mainstream gender roles, men who are sexually submissive can be quite dominant in their public lives. They are not exempt from social pressures to retain masculinity, yet in their own private sphere they desire to be different.

In the West and beyond, female dominance is not the societal norm. In a Modern, globalized world, many societies are patriarchal.  Patriarchy can manifest in many ways, but in a Modern context it influences how gender roles in sexual relations are conducted. For instance, men are pressured to be masculine, which translates into dominance. In sex, men are supposed to take on a role of control and dominance over women. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be ‘feminine’ which is attributed with passiveness, gentleness, and submission. Of course, many of us do not adhere to these gendered norms, but they are still very powerful. More importantly, these roles are expected.

I am dominant as a woman. However, my sexual dominance is something I often disguise initially. I am usually discrete about my sexual assertiveness with clients unless they signal that they desire to submit to me. In my personal relationships, I usually start off mimicking traditional female gender roles in sex — being gentle and passive. What can explain why I follow these gender narratives? Because it’s the norm, and to be ‘safe’ I conform. I often state about myself, “I appear like everyone else, but internally I am an out-caste.” I am quite sure I am not alone in that feeling.

Gender narratives of women as ‘feminine’ and men as ‘masculine’ are social norms and thus become expected behaviors. Yet one must not forget that gender is constructed, gender is performance (it is not a biological quality). Following gendered norms is met with social acceptance, and deviance from norms is met with rejection. These gender role pressures are institutionalized into every aspect of Modern society, and are informally maintained by the media. What is not apparent is how modern gender roles are used to maintain capitalist hegemony and exploitation.

 

So what are the implications for those of us who do NOT follow the ideal of our gender (to be masculine or to be feminine)? How do men cope when they do not fit the ideal of ‘manliness?’ Men face rejection by society in various ways when they do not exhibit ‘masculine’ habits. If a man acts submissive during sex, he may face rejection by his female partner as she has adhered to gender norms prescribed for sex (that men should take control). Non-masculine men are often called derogatory terms likened to femininity in terms such as ‘sissy.’ Both sexes endorse these gendered narratives also by  refering to non-masculine men as ‘unmanly.’ I’ve seen many articles online where husbands confess they are secretly submissive and they are seeking advice on how to approach their wives about femdom. These men are worried that their wives will reject them for their ‘strange’ fantasies. They have a valid reason to believe their wives may reject them, because many women often expect and desire men to ‘take control.’ Likewise, dominant women may feel reluctant to demand their sexual pleasure because their male partner might adhere to the narrative that women should ‘submit’ during sex. Many women fear of being labeled as a ‘slut’ if she displays her sexual talents/desires too openly.

I, like many others, feel the modern gender binary (masculine/feminine gender constructs) during sex are flawed. For one, one-sided sexual intercourse (where men orgasm, and the woman doesn’t) creates tension between male and female lovers. Wonder why many women aren’t that horny or suddenly lose interest? Such women have either have never orgasmed, or they are not getting good pleasure from their lovers. We cannot blame men who lack sexual skills, but rather we should look at how society undermines female dominance in various forms (porn, the Media, education, etc). The majority of porn is never about the female pleasure or orgasm, but rather focuses on male dominance over a apparent ‘willing’ woman. Such things are one, of many, which maintain the gender role expectations.

The norm of women being submissive and passive about their sexuality has also caused rebellion in men: many men express a desire to have a dominant woman. This is no wonder, because all the devoted clients/lovers I have had were men who gave me pleasure. Egalitarian sex (where both partners get sexually pleasured) equates to true intimacy and love. Sadly, this is not the norm in mainstream society. Yet ironically, many men are tired of the ‘masculine’ pressure of being dominant and always in control, especially in sex. Yet this desire is often not openly expressed, because again, there is negative social consequences for not following social norms. I argue that a lot of these men resort to prostitutes, as prostitutes are often more exposed and accepting to variations of sexual desires.

 

Women who are sexually assertive also have their own worries. Women, like myself, can be hesitant to express their sexual needs with new lovers. Many men are not used to the idea of female dominance, even though ironically a growing number of men are expressing a desire for female domination. The double standard still exists in society where women are stigmatized for being sexually ‘enlightened’, whereas men are not. Even women themselves reject other women who are sexually assertive. I am fully aware that I will be judged negatively if I am open about my sexual escapades and fantasies, as I am at high risk for being stigmatized and thus rejected. Often, I tell a ‘white’ lie about my sexual history in order to avoid stigma. For instance, if a ‘normal’ friend (someone who doesn’t know I’m a prostitute) asked how many men I’ve slept with I will give a socially acceptable answer: “Maybe 4 or 5?” I have also downplayed my sexual experience when I’ve dated ‘normal’ men by acting ‘innocent.’ People often manipulate the truth to avoid being castigated. Society tends to term people who don’t conform as ‘deviants,’ which has a negative connotation that such people are morally bad. Yet who dictates what is morally correct or not? I do believe in social norms, but the problem with Western Liberal social norms is that they often don’t reflect the entire population. That’s another debate in itself.

Humans are social beings, therefore we often avoid behaviour that leads to social rejection. Of course, we are fully aware that social rejection causes undesirable outcomes, such as depression and loneliness. Thankfully, there are outlets for alternative sexualities. However, the stigmas remain, and will continue to remain because such practices are a threat to dominant discourse. The point is, there is no universal script of sexuality and gender, despite society’s attempt to maintain one. Sexuality is fluid, not a fixed entity.

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October 10, 2012 · 9:35 am

Your Questions, My Answers #4 – The Sex Industry and Human Sexuality

I loved checking my stats for this blog and seeing the numerous search engine terms. It gives an idea of what people think about prostitutes. One thing that pops up very often is the question: do prostitutes get pleasure? I answered that question in previous posts. But I should restate it: we have sex with clients for money, not out of pleasure (even though some of us enjoy some clients). The other common misconception is that many people assume a whore (a woman who loves sex) is synonymous with a prostitute (a woman who has sex for money). Ahh…it is interesting how we live in a world that’s obsessed with sex. Why is it such an issue? Well, human sexuality has become political (causing a moral panic). Why? It leads to reproduction. What is the most important thing to national leaders? To reproduce their society, so they can gain dominance in this competitive (poisoned), capitalistic world. Anyway, I won’t get in to that now….

 

Your Question: Should I get a female prostitute for my wife?

If its her idea, sure. Be sure to find a quality, experienced lady (usually private escorts). I’ve always fantasized to have a beautiful, wholesome woman to be my client. Or vice versa: I have the fantasy of being a patron for a beautiful, wholesome courtesan. But it’s not practical nor common having a beautiful woman seek an escort.

Once I saw a couple. It was the woman who wanted to live out this fantasy. It was a very great experience. The woman was not particularly my type, but regardless she was lovely. I cannot explain the intensity of touching and caressing a woman while a man is getting so turned on by the very sight. She made me cum, while her lover watched. It made me wonder if such openness between couples is a truly a good thing?

While some fantasies sound good in theory, are they good in reality? I used to tell my ex about my threesome fantasies. He loved when we talked about it, but he said that he would never do it. Why not? He said it wasn’t healthy for a relationship. His argument was this: if we do it once, then what if one of us has uncontrollable urges to do it again and again?

 

Your Question: As an Escort, How Much Should I Charge clients?

Basic economics 101: It’s the law of supply and demand, which varies from city to city. For instance, there is an abundance of ‘inexpensive’ women available in my locale. More women = lower prices. Less women = higher prices.  Dave Chapelle made a hilarious joke related to this, “If Pussy was a stock, then we’ve flooded the market! Women are giving it away too easy.”

My price is in the higher-end range for my city, which also means I limit my clientele (since many men cannot afford my rate/rather restrictive rules). I adjust my rate depending on which city I am in. When I worked overseas the particular city was wealthier and therefore I could increase my price. There is a demand for ‘high-quality’, safe escorts for a more discerning clientele, but these type of women are a minority in the sex industry.

I must also note that not every girl can successfully charge high rates. Men have certain expectations with women who charge higher-than-average rates. For one, they expect professionalism (aka, a skilled escorted). Although part-time, I consider myself a very skilled courtesan. Over the years, I learned how to cater to the needs of a client and how to act like the companion that he desires. If a woman does not satisfy the expectations associated with her price, then she will not have repeat clients. She must be ‘worth it’, but again, one’s worth is also a perception.

 

Your Question: What do Girls do after Appointments?

We eat! I don’t know what it is about sex, but hunger and thirst follows afterwards. It’s a universal among escorts that we love eating (especially when we work in a brothel establishment together). We order food in abundance. Sometimes we make our clients wait so we can eat some chocolate or delicious delicacies. To be quite honest, I miss the ‘in between time’ when working at a brothel. The ‘in between time’ is when girls have a break in between seeing clients. We sit together, a group of girls (hopefully a good group — because escort are infamous for their cattiness), we order food, some smoke cigarettes, we tease and laugh about our clients, and we discuss the most vulgar subjects. Many times the night turned into an all-girl party; we all made money, celebrated and laughed until it hurts. As an independent, I don’t get to experience any of that ‘female bonding’ anymore (which is also a good thing….escorts can be terrible influences on each other).

The ‘good’ girls never last long at brothels…they eventually move on to something or somewhere else. There used to be a good group of escort girls that I knew when I worked overseas. These girls made going to work fun. They were educated girls with other goals. Eventually the group disintegrated and we went our separate ways. It was during these female ‘in-between’ bonding times that I got to observe a lot of behaviors/realities/circumstances for women who are in the sex industry. Yet for the short time we shared together, we gave each other support.

 

Your Question: How to “fuck prostitutes and not get caught by wife?”

This mentality makes me cringe sometimes. I understand social pressures and not wanting to break-up the family, but the sneakiness of infidelity is alarming. The only infidelity that I don’t really condemn is with men who’ve been married for a lengthy time, and their wives (due to old age, disability, no interest, etc) do not have sex anymore.  But I do not feel sympathy for younger men, especially newly married men, who cheat on their wives just for the sake of ‘variety.’ If variety is what you desire, then opt for an open relationship or don’t get into a relationship with someone who expects monogamy. If only there was more openness in relations.

Once, I met a great client who was in an open relationship (his wife knew he was seeing me). They were a normal, loving couple with children. They were educated and realistic about their needs. They had a private, semi-open relationship, complete with set boundaries. Both were permitted to see other people within reason, but the main restriction was: no sex with others. And that man, as a client, was utmost respectful of his wife’s restrictions and remained disciplined. Their relationship made me more warm towards the idea of an open-relationship (something I haven’t tried …it’s always been one-sided, in my favor).

Sadly, many men do go to lengths to hide their sexual affairs. They get private mobile phones, they slip away for an hour or so, and even bring their own soap. One of my married clients brings his own body-wash, because he worries that my ‘girly-scented’ soaps will make his wife suspicious.

 

Your Question: Why would an Escort want to stop seeing a client?

Well, as mentioned, some men develop strong feelings for us (which can make us uncomfortable). It’s problematic when the love is one sided (he falls in love, and we just liked him as a client only). Love is an irreversible thing…I can’t just tell a man to ‘stop loving me’ and he will switch his emotions off. Sometimes these men can also interfere with our personal lives, which gets overbearing. When I was overseas, I had a devoted client who fell in love with me, and we became quite close. However, I only just saw him as a favorable regular client of mine. He became obsessive, and I had to end it. (I will talk about him in a future post). There are also issues of morality. In rare cases, it is the escort who truly likes a client, and thus she might feel uncomfortable to continue seeing him as a client (but in most cases, it’s usually the first scenario mentioned above).

It might be shocking to know that I, as a sex worker, have my own morals. Sometimes clients are too candid about their personal lives. They openly tell me they are married or attached, or they have children, or their life stories, etc. In my brothel days, one particular client told me too many personal details about his life, and as a result I rejected him. Why? He was a very sweet man, but his life circumstances conflicted with my morals. When I first met him, his wife (as he told me) was heavily pregnant with their second child. He said he was working two jobs to make a good life for his family. He claimed his wife being pregnant as an excuse for no intimacy between them. He also stated how he loved his wife dearly. Yet ironically, he was spending a large sum of money (for him) to spend time with me. I couldn’t justify it. He wasn’t financially well off, and the money he used to pay for me could be put to better use (he could use that much-needed money for his family). For this reason, I advised him to stop seeing me. I told him to go home to his pregnant wife, and give her comfort, do something special for her , but don’t spend hundreds of dollars (that you really cannot afford) for spending one hour admiring an escort. It amazes me how far men will go just to have sex and be with a woman!

Did he listen? No, of course not. Men love women who are ‘unavailable.’ According to him, I was special. I was the only girl he saw. For him, he felt I was ‘worth it.’ But I felt guilty taking money that could be used for someone (his wife and child) who needed it more. So, I told him, once again, to stop seeing me. That was the last time, and soon after I stopped working in that particular establishment. Apparently, he still calls the establishment looking for me

 

Your Question: How to Make Clients Spend Money on You?

The only thing I can say is be yourself. Don’t be greedy, be thankful. I am an honest escort. I have been in many situations where I could ‘exploit’ the situation of my clients for gain. I know how to do it, but it goes against my personal ethics. I am a woman who has a heart, and therefore I cannot hurt people intentionally. I see the merit in honesty.

But! Unfortunately, not all escorts (or women, people for that matter) have honest intentions! I’ve seen plenty of women (working and non-working) who can lie, use and manipulate good people for their own selfishness.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in the past and hurt decent people. But it hurt me also.

If you are an escort looking for cheap and easy ways to “scam” a man…you are reading the wrong blog. It is an unfortunate truth that many women in the industry are not honest, and do give the honest ones a bad reputation.

 

Your Question: Do Escorts ever Fall in Love with One Man?

Sure. We are human. Why do people assume that our needs/desires are any different than a non-escort? Some prefer one, some prefer multiple, maybe women….depends on the individual.

Personally, I really wonder if I could love just one man.

 

Your Question: Does Escort Work Ruin Her Sex Life? (Does Prostitution Ruin our Personal Sex Lives?)

It’s a logical question. One would think that having too much sex would be physically draining (especially because society assumes that women are hardly horny). I’m sure this is the case for some women, because too many women are still shy or unaware of their erotic capabilities. But personally, sex work intensified my desires. Sometimes, seeing clients is like a big tease (a build up), and makes me crave my personal lovers. In fact, I attribute that being with multiple clients taught me so many great things about intimacy. My experience with countless clients made me a better, more enthusiastic lover in my personal life. In this blog I focus on the implications of escorting, which are solely negative. But I have to say being a prostitute gave me access to some sexually-talented men, and contributed to me being in tuned with my body and thus have an amazing personal sex life. Something about being a courtesan makes me feel sexually assertive, and enhanced my natural dominance (Femdom). Perhaps this reason could explain why most clients are concerned with making sure I get pleasure.

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April 12, 2012 · 3:29 am

Can Men Really Be Blamed for Cheating?

Growing up in a world that emphasizes enduring romantic love, fairytales and love marriages indeed influences us. In the West, we are socialized to believe in love that is everlasting and monogamous; we expect that our lovers should stay faithful and honest to us. In current times, expectations on love are very high, which often leads to disappointment. Where did these expectations come from? Why do we assume that relationships MUST be monogamous? Why do we assume that humans can only love ONE person? Is fidelity a realistic expectation if we consider the worldwide statistics of divorce?

My view towards love and relationships are changing. As an escort, I see countless men who are ‘commited’ — often men who are in loving relationships with girlfriends and wives. What can explain why these men are cheating on their partners? Many of these married men love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex with them. We label these men, or anyone, who cheats as selfish and weak because they cannot ‘control’ their desires. Yet isn’t it unjust when men, and also women, are stuck in a relationship that lacks intimacy? Many men and women feel ‘stuck’ in their marriages, so rather than divorce and face all negative impacts of divorce they end up choosing infidelity.

Men, like women face oppression from Modern gender role expectations. Previously, I used to feel that I could never trust men (because my experience as an escort saw too many ‘nice’ men who were cheating their wife/partner). I was once bitter; I thought that most men were liars and cheaters. But my thoughts have changed as I try to understand the dynamics of society. My view now is: Social expectations and social pressures have forced men to lie and ‘cheat.’ Men are not at fault. Women also lie and cheat. But the problem is society and UNREALISTIC social expectations placed upon us. Western style monogamous marriage, alone, is an unrealistic expectation. Engels viewed marriage as, “socially sanctioned prostitution,” which may not be the case today as women have more autonomy…..but what about the concept of this type of marriage? One must be mindful that marriage has many variations and interpretations cross-culturally. For this topic, I am referring to monogamous marriage (in Modern times, the ‘love’ monogamous marriage).

“To hold and proclaim that a man and a woman (who may not even have chosen each other) are in duty bound to satisfy each other in every way throughout their lives is a monstrosity that necessarily gives rise to hypocrisy, lying, hostility and unhappiness” (Simone de Beauvoir, 1949: The Second Sex (1974 edn. p497-8).

Basically, Simone De Beauvoir, the pioneer French feminist, says the concept of Western monogamous marriage is invalid. Marriage, in her view, gives way to lying, cheating and hypocrisy because of the unrealistic expectations placed on individuals in a relationship (such as promising a lifetime of fidelity). I am starting to take a feminist stance on the whole concept of marriage and monogamous relationships, which is prescribed as the ‘norm’ in Western society. Polygamy is still taboo in Western societies. When polygamy does exist, it is only men who have the ability to have multiple wives. Women, of course, are not supposed to have multiple lovers…..because society does not recognize that a woman’s desire IS just as powerful as a man. The irony of it all is that our society embraces ‘serial monogamy’ (having a relationship, breaking up, and then starting a new relationship with another), yet polygamy is still stigmatized?

My stance on marriage is undetermined. On one hand, marriage is the only institution that has provided better security for children (until society can find a way where children and parents economic well-being is protected out of wedlock). Marriage is also the best tool (at the moment) to hold families together. But Western marriage, in particular, also has unrealistic expectations. With my experiences of seeing countless men cheating on their spouses, I really question the concept of fidelity. Even for myself, I have never been ‘faithful’ to any of my partners (mainly because of my work) ; but I have also had multiple lovers all at once. Many would probably label me as selfish, and unable to appreciate being with one person, or having a lack of self-control. But I ask: who wants us to be monogamous and why? Is monogamy innate or learned?  Ideally, the concept of open relationships and marriages sound ideal, but we are far too egotistic to accept sharing our partners. Even I am hypocritical: despite having multiple lovers myself the idea of my men being with other women is unfathomable (but this is probably because I can’t let go of my ego and superiority complex).

We also need more openness to other variations of marriage that exist cross-culturally. Also, we need is more awareness and acceptance of the sexual needs from our lovers. For instance, if a wife decides to abstain from sexual intercourse with her husband, how can she expect her husband to give up his desire? That’s unfair to a husband. Similarly, I would suffer also if I was stuck with a man who couldn’t give me intense sexual pleasure. I feel deep sympathy for women who are stuck with men who don’t give them orgasm.

Yet what would compel a woman to stop having sex with her husband? Do most men fail to please their women?

Patriarchy, capitalism and Modern gender roles for men and women has conditioned society to ignore or devalue female sexual pleasure. Yet with more acknowledgment of women’s equality the sexual needs of women become more valued. A common myth is that women have less sexual desire than men. As well, we assume that when women get older, they lose their sexual desire. I disagree. The problem is these women with low-sex drives never got to experience intense sexual pleasure. Therefore, these women show little interest in sex, because they don’t even know what ‘good’ sex is. These women may have married early, and had only one to a few sexual partners. Personally, if I wasn’t a prostitute (with the experience of having sex with a variety of men) it’s likely I would have NEVER experienced good sex (because men who are amazing at sex are still a minority).

Faking orgasm and pornography influence men to perform bad at sex?
Aside from modern gender role expectations of female passivity, I attribute men lacking in sexual skills with two things: women faking orgasm and pornography.

What gave men the idea that it takes MINIMAL effort to make a woman orgasm? One reason is that women often fake their pleasure, which reinforces a positive self-concept of his performance.  Too many women fake their pleasure. Even escorts do it commonly, which I have witnessed when clients booked me and another girl together. The result of women faking their sexual pleasure means that MEN will assume their BAD sexual skills are GOOD (and thus these men have no incentive to improve their sexual skills!). Countless men I’ve slept with have this annoying trait: they think it’s easy to make a woman orgasm. The classic scenario: during sexual penetration, the client will say to me, “Did you come yet baby??” Or better yet, after 2 or 3 minutes of oral sex on me, he says, “Are you close baby, did you come?” I, however, refuse to fake my pleasure. If he really wants to give me pleasure, I will teach him how to do it.

The other reason why men lack sexual skills is because of: pornography. Porn is mostly false acts of sex, and the goal of porn is typically for HIS pleasure. When a woman ‘apparently’ has orgasm in porn, they hardly depict the reality. They show a man performing cunninglingus for 1 or 2 minutes, with the woman screaming for ‘pleasure’ and then apparently, she has an orgasm. It’s false. Considering most men watch porn, they are being influence in false ways, giving birth to false expectation. They will have the expectation that women can come easily and are pleasured by minimal effort. Thankfully, some men reject societal norms of ignoring/devaluing female sexuality. Nonetheless, it takes two to tango: so if many women don’t discover their own sexual pleasure, how can men know?

Certainly many women may have no sexual desire because their partners or husbands never addressed their sexual needs. Yet we cannot blame the man, because perhaps his wife gave him false impressions that his performance was good. In cases of marriage in conservative societies, divorce is taboo because of social pressures and social expectations. So what happens as a result? Couples suffer passively, and they end up cheating. For many societies, love was not connected to marriage, yet there was also not an unrealistic expectation of monogamy. In a some contexts, some women fear to cheat, so they end up having lesbian relations with other women. A great Indian film titled Fire depicts this very well, where two married women resort to lesbianism because their needs are ignored by their husbands.

In theory, it sounds great that I can be accepting of my partners needs. For instance if I am unable to have sex, I should not prohibit my partner from getting it elsewhere. Just as I would hope, ideally, that my lover would let another man give me pleasure if he was unable to do so. In theory, this sounds great. YET in reality, JEALOUSLY, angst, emotions get involved because we are so conditioned to believe in ENDURING love. We are so selfish to even fathom that our lover might have needs that we cannot meet.

With my ex, I  had severe trust issues. He didn’t trust me, as I was his young beautiful lover. And I didn’t trust him because he was, well, a MAN. That made our relationship disastrous. Ideally I want to be more accepting if my partner potentially desires another. But I admit, the idea is hard to digest. It’s my ego that gives rise to these jealous feelings….this sense of entitlement, that I must be the best and the ONLY woman for my man.

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March 2, 2012 · 8:06 pm

The Myth of a “Loose” Woman

Well, what is the term loose? Webster dictionary defines loose as: not tight-fitting; not dense, close, or compact in structure or arrangement; lacking moral restraint (unchaste), etc.

Historically in many cultures, prostitutes and women with multiple sex partners are known as  ”loose” women. “Loose” in this context has a negative meaning. It signifies that a woman is morally de-valued, because of her ‘loose’ morals and ‘loose’ vagina. The assumption is that her vagina is less tight because she has frequent sex. Of course, this term has no validity at all. A woman’s vagina size does not get bigger as a result of frequent sex with multiple men. The only way a woman’s vaginal canal size increases is delivering a child vaginally.

When I first entered the sex industry, I thought frequent sex with random men would damage my sexual organs. Essentially, I thought I would become ‘loose.’ This really worried me, until I realized my assumption was incorrect. In fact, exploring my sexuality made me physically ‘tensed’ by way of orgasm. I am not embracing the sex industry, but being with multiple men allowed me to experience orgasm-giving men. An orgasm requires contraction of kegal muscles, which can make the vagina more tense. My ex, for instance, always made me orgasm, multiple times. I could have sex with him after seeing multiple clients, and rather than being ‘loose’ my parts would be tensed, or tightened. An orgasmic vagina becomes tensed, especially during climax.

I should also define two types of sex that women experience. Sex for her own pleasure, and sex for his pleasure. A woman who orgasms often has sex for her own pleasure. She cannot be satisfied without an orgasm. On the other hand, there are women who have sex without even knowing their own pleasure. They may have a partner who has no idea (nor interest) to make her climax. A woman who doesn’t orgasm isn’t strengthening her muscles, so while she may not be “loose” she doesn’t become ‘tensed’ when excited.

My theory is that women who have frequent orgasms through sexual activities enable a ‘snugness,’ but again its due to frequent use of kegal muscles. However, valuing a woman based on her ‘snugness’ is very shallow, and totally invalid. Women come in all different shapes and sizes, as do men. There is a “fit” for everyone, which is linked by chemistry more so than the physical aspect. .


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