Category Archives: Relationships

February 1, 2013 · 8:32 am

A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

heart

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old idiom (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me who for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I took advantage of his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, generous amount of savings, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. The things I desire are family, good friendships and love. And to have a family with security and protection (something I didn’t have) I need to have marriage, to a good man — a good man that I once had, but I threw him away. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if live is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means that he will lose his family, his career. Staying here means our children will have only one set of grandparents, from my side. Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

—————————————–

Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Dealing with Depression, Memories, My Ex Fiancee - A former client, My Poetry, Relationships, The Sheik, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself

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November 7, 2012 · 8:59 pm

Gender Scripts: Dominance/Submission – Implications of Sexual ‘Deviance’

Above is a very controversial photo by Saudi artist Aziz Al-Qahtani. This photo, among others, has caused a lot of negative reactions from viewers for numerous reasons. In particular, his photo captures the very opposite of the socially accepted gender narrative of ‘dominant man, submissive woman.’ 

I’ve been writing extensively lately, but unfortunately all my writings are half-finished or I am reluctant to post them. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of research for my academic life on human sexuality and gender. So far, I’ve come across great research on gender norms, and I’ve related it to my personal life. Gender roles such as ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ are not innate, but rather are socially constructed.

I have not clearly stated on my site about my sexual identity: In my personal relationships, I am a femdom. A femdom is a woman who is sexually dominant and typically holds authority in her relationships. There are many stereotypes associated with female dominance — many which don’t attribute to me personally. For instance, I am not a leather-clad ‘bitch’ who acts in a vulgar manner. Nor is my dominance about physically punishing men into submissiveness – my partners willingly and eagerly submit. I identify more with the notion of ‘female-loving authority’ where I am more like an authoritative, disciplinary, yet loving female-figure. I simply assert my own needs, yet I also am loving and nurturing in return. So, consequently, I like submissive men. Yet contrary to what one may assume, men who are sexually submissive in relationships are quite dominant in their career, personal lives.

In the West and beyond, female dominance is not the societal norm. For the most part, many societies are patriarchal. Patriarchy in society influences how gender roles in sexual relations are conducted. For instance, men are pressured to be masculine, which translates into dominance. In sex, men are supposed to take on a role of control and dominance over women. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be ‘feminine’ which is attributed with passiveness, gentleness, and submission. Of course, many of us do not adhere to these gendered norms, but they are still very powerful. More importantly, these roles are expected.

I am dominant as a woman. However, my sexual dominance is something I often disguise initially. I am usually discrete about my sexual assertiveness with clients unless they signal that they desire to submit to me. In my personal relationships, I usually start off mimicking traditional female gender roles in sex — being gentle and passive. What can explain why I follow these gender narratives? Because it’s the norm, and to be ‘safe’ I conform. I often state about myself, “I appear like everyone else, but internally I am an out-caste.” I am quite sure I am not alone in that feeling.

Gender narratives of women as ‘feminine’ and men as ‘masculine’ have become social norms. Therefore, physical sex also has gendered norms. Following gendered norms is met with social acceptance, and deviance from norms is met with rejection. Humans are social beings, therefore we often avoid behaviour that leads to social rejection. Of course, we are fully aware that social rejection causes undesirable outcomes, such as depression and loneliness.

So what are the implications for those of us who do NOT follow the ideal of our sex? How do men cope when they do not fit the ideal of ‘manliness?’ If a man acts submissive during sex, he may face rejection by his female partner as she has adhered to gender norms prescribed for sex (that men should take control). Men also face rejection by society in various ways when they do not exhibit ‘masculine’ habits. For instance, non-masculine men are often called derogatory terms likened to femininity in terms such as ‘sissy.’ Both sexes endorse these gendered narratives also by  refering to non-masculine men as ‘unmanly.’ I’ve seen many articles online where husbands confess they are secretly submissive and they are seeking advice on how to approach their wives about femdom. These men are worried that their wives will reject them for their ‘strange’ fantasies. They have a valid reason to believe their wives may reject them, because many women often expect and desire men to ‘take control.’ Likewise, dominant women may feel reluctant to demand their sexual pleasure because their male partner might adhere to the narrative that women should ‘submit’ during sex. Many women fear of being labeled as a ‘slut’ if she displays her sexual talents/desires too openly.

I, like many others, feel these patriarchal gender roles during sex are flawed. For one, one-sided sexual intercourse (where men orgasm, and the woman doesn’t) creates tension between male and female lovers. Wonder why many women aren’t that horny or suddenly lose interest? Such women have either have never orgasmed, or they are not getting good pleasure from their lovers. We cannot blame men who lack sexual skills, but rather we should look at how society undermines female dominance in various forms (porn, the Media, education, etc).

The norm of women being submissive and passive about their sexuality has also caused rebellion in men: many men express a desire to have a dominant woman. Many men are tired of the ‘masculine’ pressure of being dominant and always in control, especially in sex. Yet this desire is often not openly expressed, because again, there is negative social consequences for not following social norms. I argue that a lot of these men resort to prostitutes, as prostitutes are often more exposed and accepting to variations of sexual identity.

 

Women who are sexually assertive also have their own worries. Women, like myself, can be hesitant to express their sexual needs with new lovers. Many men are not used to the idea of female dominance, even though ironically a growing number of men are expressing a desire for female domination. The double standard still exists in society where women are stigmatized for being sexually ‘enlightened’, whereas men are not. Even women themselves reject other women who are sexually assertive. I am fully aware that I will be judged negatively if I am open about my sexual escapades and fantasies, as I am at high risk for being stigmatized and thus rejected. Often, I tell a ‘white’ lie about my sexual history in order to avoid stigma. For instance, if a ‘normal’ friend (someone who doesn’t know I’m a prostitute) asked how many men I’ve slept with I will give a socially acceptable answer: “Maybe 4 or 5?” I have also downplayed my sexual experience when I’ve dated ‘normal’ men by acting ‘innocent.’ People often manipulate the truth to avoid being castigated. Society tends to term people who don’t conform as ‘deviants,’ which has a negative connotation that such people are morally bad. Yet who dictates what is morally correct or not? I do believe in social norms, but the problem with Western Liberal social norms is that they often don’t reflect the entire population. That’s another debate in itself.

Thankfully, there are outlets for alternative sexualities. However, the stigmas remain, and will continue to remain because such practices are a threat to dominant discourse. The point is, there is no universal script of sexuality and gender, despite society’s attempt to maintain one.

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August 13, 2012 · 8:54 pm

An Escort in a Relationship with a ‘Normal’ Man – “What’s the Point?”

By ‘normal’ I am referring to a man who isn’t a client and a man who doesn’t know that I sell myself. The following story depicts the complications associated by a relationship with a ‘normal’ man, from an escorts perspective.  

For the most part, men have never truly appealed to me. For instance, handsome men have never grasped my interest. Even a man who possesses qualities that I like (being intellectual, good at sex, love for cultures and fascination with the unconventional) isn’t enough to make me interested. I have no interest because there is always men in my life. I’ve been surrounded by men for the last several years, whether they are my clients or my lovers, so there is no incentive to have an interest in other men (unless they speak my language, which is money — my addiction, unfortunately).

Yet one man, for the first time, had sparked my interests. He is neither a client, nor a lover…he is my school friend. We have known each other for a while now. When we first met, I had no interest in him. His dashing handsome looks didn’t sway me at all, as I assumed he was a typical male ‘bimbo’ chasing the dream of riches and social prestige like most other students.  But as fate had it, we ended up in several classes together. I discovered he had a keen interest in all the things I love, and rather than chase riches he was thirsty for knowledge. Soon I came to realize that this handsome man was far from typical. I had prejudged him. He was far from vain and ‘empty’ headed. His admirable personality had conquered my interest, and I discovered that he was also captivated by mine. He confessed that he liked my views and the fact that I was opinionated and rather dominant when I felt passionate about something. We became friends, and it was obvious that we both felt an attraction to each other. Yet suddenly, my behaviour towards him changed. Previously, in classes, he was talking to me, sitting with me, and leaving with me. We were growing closer, which worried me.  Suddenly, I stopped everything. I changed completely, because I had realized something: “I can’t do this.” I don’t want to get close to him.

But the truth is I liked him a lot as a person, despite my actions. I went from friendly and interested to instantly cold and standoffish to him. I tried to avoid him at school. If he came to talk with me, I was very brief and walked away. I purposely sat far away from him. Essentially, I wanted to let him know: I’m not interested, back off. I dismissed him. We still bump into each other. I try to ignore him, but he, being the sweet man he is, always approaches and asked how I am doing and what’s new in my life. I try to end the conversations abruptly. I tell him I am busy and have to do something important. In his view, he thinks I don’t like him anymore. Yet ironically, I love his mind. What can explain why I have changed my attitude towards him?

As an escort, I am addicted to money. My poisoned mind tells me this: any non-profiting relationship with a man seems counterproductive (a waste of time).  Of course, I’m aware that my poisoned thoughts are wrong and self-harming. But aside from money, how can I possibly relate to a man who has no idea about my secret? I can’t tell him. I know he won’t judge me, but I don’t want him to know this about me. Even if such a man accepts my ‘secret’ and even seeks to help me, like previous lovers, he can’t. The stigma follows me, because it’s scarred my soul. Only I have the power to heal my wounds, and essentially change my fate.

My other reasonings are simple: I am dead. He is alive. He is a man optimistic about life and has so much positive energy to give to others (which I admire). I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I am pessimistic about life, and I spread negativity. My life experiences have made me so jaded, and resultantly I don’t want to get close to many people. I isolate myself, because it’s easier than explaining my ‘successful’ independence. I can’t be with a man who I met in ‘normal’ circumstances, because I will not give up my escort-life for him (a man who isn’t my client). And it isn’t fair to escort without his knowledge. I can already predict the web of lies if we become too close. Like others, he will ask, “How come you don’t work? Where did you obtain the money for everything you have?” And what can I tell him? Do I tell him that I’ve slept with hundreds of men for money, and that I am aware of every sexual technique that exists? Of course I can’t. Rather than lie, I’d rather avoid the situation entirely, which means avoiding him.

On a side note: His attraction to me was something I admired. Unlike most men, I didn’t seduce him with my beauty. In fact, his attraction was the ‘real’ me…..which is not glamorous at all. I am not a glamorous woman in my day-to-day life, I am very simplistic. Doing my makeup, making sure my hair is perfect and dressing fashionably everyday is too much effort, let alone shallow. The only time I make an effort to look beautiful (in an objectifying way) is when I have an incentive: money. Otherwise, I have little incentive to be appealing externally. I didn’t have to objectify myself to spark his attention, which made me adore him even more.

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April 12, 2012 · 3:29 am

Can Men Really Be Blamed for Cheating?

Growing up in a world that emphasizes enduring romantic love, fairytales and love marriages indeed influences us. In the West, we are socialized to believe in love that is everlasting and monogamous; we expect that our lovers should stay faithful and honest to us. In current times, expectations on love are very high, which often leads to disappointment. Where did these expectations come from? Why do we assume that relationships MUST be monogamous? Why do we assume that humans can only love ONE person? Is fidelity a realistic expectation if we consider the worldwide statistics of divorce?

My view towards love and relationships are changing. As an escort, I see countless men who are ‘commited’ — often men who are in loving relationships with girlfriends and wives. What can explain why these men are cheating on their partners? Many of these married men love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex with them. We label these men, or anyone, who cheats as selfish and weak because they cannot ‘control’ their desires. Yet isn’t it unjust when men, and also women, are stuck in a relationship that lacks intimacy? Many men and women feel ‘stuck’ in their marriages, so rather than divorce and face all negative impacts of divorce they end up choosing infidelity.

My stance towards men has changed. Previously, I used to feel that I could never trust a man (because my experience as an escort saw too many ‘nice’ men who were cheating their wife/partner). I was once bitter; I thought that most men were liars and cheaters. But my thoughts have changed as I try to understand the dynamics of society. My view now is: Social expectations and social pressures have forced men to lie and ‘cheat.’ Men are not at fault. Women also lie and cheat. But the problem is society and UNREALISTIC social expectations placed upon us. Western style marriage, alone, is an unrealistic expectation. Engels viewed marriage as, “socially sanctioned prostitution, ” which may not be the case today as women have more autonomy…..but what about the concept of marriage? One must be mindful that marriage has many variations and interpretations cross-culturally. For this topic, I am referring to Western marriage (the ‘love’ marriage that is a Western phenomena).

“To hold and proclaim that a man and a woman (who may not even have chosen each other) are in duty bound to satisfy each other in every way throughout their lives is a monstrosity that necessarily gives rise to hypocrisy, lying, hostility and unhappiness” (Simone de Beauvoir, 1949: The Second Sex (1974 edn. p497-8).

Basically, Simone De Beauvoir, the pioneer French feminist, says the concept of Western marriage is invalid. Marriage, in her view, gives way to lying, cheating and hypocrisy because of the unrealistic expectations placed on individuals in a relationship (such as promising a lifetime of fidelity). I am starting to take a feminist stance on the whole concept of marriage and monogamous relationships, which is prescribed as the ‘norm’ in Western society. Polygamy is still taboo in Western societies. When polygamy does exist, it is only men who have the ability to have multiple wives. Women, of course, are not supposed to have multiple lovers…..because society does not recognize that a woman’s desire IS just as powerful as a man. The irony of it all is that our society embraces ‘serial monogamy’ (having a relationship, breaking up, and then starting a new relationship with another), yet polygamy is still stigmatized?

My stance on marriage is undetermined. On one hand, marriage is the only institution that has provided better security for children (until society can find a way where children and parents economic well-being is protected out of wedlock). Marriage is also the best tool (at the moment) to hold families together. But Western marriage, in particular, also has unrealistic expectations. With my experiences of seeing countless men cheating on their spouses, I really question the concept of fidelity. Even for myself, I have never been ‘faithful’ to any of my partners (mainly because of my work) ; but I have also had multiple lovers all at once. Many would probably label me as selfish, and unable to appreciate being with one person, or having a lack of self-control. But I ask: who wants us to be monogamous and why? Is monogamy innate or learned?  Ideally, the concept of open relationships and marriages sound ideal, but we are far too egotistic to accept sharing our partners. Even I am hypocritical: despite having multiple lovers myself the idea of my men being with other women is unfathomable (but this is probably because I can’t let go of my ego and superiority complex).

We also need more openness to other variations of marriage that exist cross-culturally. Also, we need is more awareness and acceptance of the sexual needs from our lovers. For instance, if a wife decides to abstain from sexual intercourse with her husband, how can she expect her husband to give up his desire? That’s unfair to a husband. Similarly, I would suffer also if I was stuck with a man who couldn’t give me intense sexual pleasure. I feel deep sympathy for women who are stuck with men who don’t give them orgasm.

Yet what would compel a woman to stop having sex with her husband? Do most men fail to please their women?

My theory is that patriarchy has conditioned men to ignore or devalue female sexual pleasure. Yet with more acknowledgment of women’s equality the sexual needs of women become more valued. A common myth is that women have less sexual desire than men. As well, we assume that when women get older, they lose their sexual desire. I disagree. The problem is these women with low-sex drives never got to experience intense sexual pleasure. Therefore, these women show little interest in sex, because they don’t even know what ‘good’ sex is. These women may have married early, and had only one to a few sexual partners. Personally, if I wasn’t a prostitute (with the experience of having sex with a variety of men) it’s likely I would have NEVER experienced good sex (because men who are amazing at sex are still a minority).

Faking orgasm and pornography influence men to perform bad at sex?
I attribute men lacking in sexual skills with two things: women faking orgasm and pornography.

What gave men the idea that it takes MINIMAL effort to make a woman orgasm? One reason is that women often fake their pleasure, which reinforces a positive self-concept of his performance.  Too many women fake their pleasure. Even escorts do it commonly, which I have witnessed when clients booked me and another girl together. The result of women faking their sexual pleasure means that MEN will assume their BAD sexual skills are GOOD (and thus these men have no incentive to improve their sexual skills!). Countless men I’ve slept with have this annoying trait: they think it’s easy to make a woman orgasm. The classic scenario: during sexual penetration, the client will say to me, “Did you come yet baby??” Or better yet, after 2 or 3 minutes of oral sex on me, he says, “Are you close baby, did you come?” I, however, refuse to fake my pleasure. If he really wants to give me pleasure, I will teach him how to do it.

The other reason why men lack sexual skills is because of: pornography. Porn is mostly false acts of sex, and the goal of porn is typically for HIS pleasure. When a woman ‘apparently’ has orgasm in porn, they hardly depict the reality. They show a man performing cunninglingus for 1 or 2 minutes, with the woman screaming for pleasure and then apparently, she has an orgasm. It’s false. Considering most men watch porn, they are being influence in false ways, giving birth to false expectation. They will have the expectation that women can come easily and are pleasured by minimal effort.

Certainly many women may have no sexual desire because their partners or husbands never addressed their sexual needs. Yet we cannot blame the man, because perhaps his wife gave him false impressions that his performance was good. In cases of marriage in conservative societies, divorce is taboo because of social pressures and social expectations. So what happens as a result? Couples suffer passively, and they end up cheating. Some women fear to cheat, so they end up having lesbian relations with other women. This is said to happen in conservative societies, like Saudi Arabia, or the Indian Subcontinent. A great Indian film titled Fire depicts this very well, where two married women resort to lesbianism because their needs are ignored by their husbands.

In theory, it sounds great that I can be accepting of my partners needs. For instance if I am unable to have sex, I should not prohibit my partner from getting it elsewhere. Just as I would hope, ideally, that my lover would let another man give me pleasure if he was unable to do so. In theory, this sounds great. YET in reality, JEALOUSLY, angst, emotions get involved because we are so conditioned to believe in ENDURING love. We are so selfish to even fathom that our lover might have needs that we cannot meet.

With my ex, I  had severe trust issues. He didn’t trust me, as I was his young beautiful lover. And I didn’t trust him because he was, well, a MAN. That made our relationship disastrous. Ideally I want to be more accepting if my partner potentially desires another. But I admit, the idea is hard to digest. It’s my ego that gives rise to these jealous feelings….this sense of entitlement, that I must be the best and the ONLY woman for my man.

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Filed under Feeling sorry for the wives, Relationships, Sex

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March 21, 2012 · 11:33 pm

Being in Love and Escorting at the Same Time – Can’t Have Both

Being with a man I love and being a successful escort at the same time only works in theory. In reality, one or the other will be strained. For me, my work becomes strained. I cut down clients, because it’s harder to ‘tune’ out my emotions when I’m in love. Alternatively, if I put more emphasis in escorting than my relationship will be strained. I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Falling in love …it’s the worst thing for me as a sex worker. I become ‘stained.’ Stained, in a metaphorical way, in that my lover, the Sheik, has marked me (emotionally, physically, mentally). The love consumes me at every moment. I only want to be with my love, nobody else. As a result, I am lazy when with other men (clients).

When I’m in love, it’s like I become chemically ‘marked’ by  his love… his scent never leaves my skin. It’s as if his scent stays with me to ward off other men and say, “This woman is off-limits.” His scent is there when I am with clients. I have withdrawals from this special ‘scent’ when it’s not with me. And the clients can detect it: they know my heart, mind and soul belong to another man.

I become a lazy, uninterested and mechanical service provider to my clients when I am in love. This is the second time it has happened to me. It happened when I was in love with my ex, and I could no longer see clients because the idea of letting other men touch me was unimaginable. And now, with the Sheik…the same is happening. I barely work, but occasionally I see the odd client or two (my Sheik, of course, has no knowledge of this). It’s extremely difficult to sit there with a man who I have NO attraction too…and lay in his arms and be pleasant, because all I am thinking of is how much I hate it.

Yet I need the money. The Sheik provides for me…but I need to stay in the business to meet other goals. I don’t want to become too dependent on the Sheik — no no no — I must not rely on his money, or his love. Dependency is a dangerous area, which I don’t want to be in. Yet I can’t have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes, I wish it was easy just to abandon this love. But it’s not easy

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, Relationships, The Escorting Business, The Sheik

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February 3, 2012 · 3:39 am

Addressing Your Questions – About Escorts, Prostitutes, & Courtesans

A lot of people are curious about the sex industry, which is reflected in the stats of this site. There are numerous phrases people search for in google to find this website. Many of those phrases are asking a question that is related to escorting, prostitution, courtesans, mistresses, relationships with clients, etc. So, I thought I would answer some of the questions that spark curiosity to my readers. Also, if there is a question that you may have regarding any aspect of the sex industry in any context, please let me know. Please remember that my perspectives can be subjective and in some cases biased.

Your Question: How do I tell people that I am an escort/sex worker?

Telling people you are prostitute is a very personal issue. Even if a prostitute feels no shame in her profession, she should keep it among intimate friends only. Remember, this is an aspect of society that many people can never understand or accept. Be prepared to face social castigation (rejection). Having said that, such a secret is difficult to keep inside, because it’s a secret that has shaped sex workers. Prostitution relates to sex, and sex is that happens behind close doors. Sex is also unique to each individual encounter and differs with each person, and thus it’s not easily understood in the same manner by all. If an escort feels compelled to tell someone, then she must tell it to someone who makes her feel safe, a person she ultimately trusts.

Your Question: How do escorts lure men to them? Or in other words, how do escorts attract clients?

Well, many prostitutes do not physically go out and lure men from the streets, unless we are actually working on the street (which is not associated with ‘high-end’ escorting). Escorts do not lure men per say. The transaction requires participants from both sides. Essentially, some men are looking for sex and/or companionship and the escorts are offering their services. In modern settings, escorts place advertisements either online or in newspapers, and clients find these websites where escorts offer their services. Call-girl agencies typically advertise online and in newspapers too.

I have never gone out to find clients in public settings. I advertise and let the men come to me. They view my website and photo’s and make the choice to arrange a booking with me. For men, seeing an escort is a bit of gamble, because clients cannot be sure of what to expect from the escort. The same can be said for escorts, as escorts do not know what to expect from their clients (generally, the hope is clients will be handsome, polite, generous and relatively easily to please).

I should also address what makes men seek escorts in the first place. In other words, what do men seek in escorts instead of their own wives or other non-prostitute women? Non-sex workers probably feel that men are attracted to an escorts immense beauty and sex appeal. But I must tell you that this is a myth; escorts are no different than other women. We are no more exceptional because we are ‘wanted’ by some men. I used ‘wanted’ in quotations because escorts are not truly wanted. Escorts are wanted for a shallow purpose (sex without commitment) most of the time. There are always exceptions to the rule, but in general a prostitute is only wanted for the purpose of sexual fulfillment without emotional acknowledgement.

In Western society, there is a growing importance for sex appeal. Women feel it is important to be sexually desirable to men all the time. This is a very unfortunate part of society, because women are objectifying themselves further by placing their self-worth on their sex appeal. I am guilty of this too. But I must say sex appeal is not a worthy quality at all. Being wanted for shallow reasons never made me genuinely happy.

In the West, normal women are trying to be the ‘ideal’ woman that is promoted by society. But what these women fail to realize is that there is NO ideal woman. For instance, women see how many men are avid porn watchers, so these women try to imitate prostitutes by getting plastic surgeries and dressing provocatively. Meanwhile, such women don’t want their brains to be neglected, so they get educated. The result is ‘educated’ women who uses their sex-appeal to feel powerful, which is a contradiction (they have objectified themselves and made themselves further subordinate to men). The reality is that these women have given away their power by trying to be the wife, the sex object, and the intellectual.

Your Question: How to Be an Upper Class Escort?

There are various factors, and having just one is usually not enough to become successful. Beauty alone may get clients for one visit, but beauty alone will not keep a steady clientele. Having said that, beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. A woman does not have to be exceptionally beautiful to be a successful prostitute, but it’s essential to be physically well-groomed, decently attired, polished, and healthy. The most important aspect is your personality with clients. Typically, clients like women who are nice, affectionate and accommodating. However, personality is also subjective, so I cannot suggest specific traits that clients want.

Again, if one is thinking to become an escort, they have to realize that it is a life-changing experience. An escort may gain in terms of money, but she loses in other ways in the process. Some escorts find the lifestyle easy, while others find it to be a severe addiction that has ruined many aspects of their personal happiness. From my observations, the only escorts that don’t seem to struggle emotionally are ones who numb their emotions with drugs, relaxers, and the various intoxicants.

Your Question: How to Leave the Industry? How to Stop Escorting?

I have a post regarding my thoughts on leaving the industry. My view is rather negative and depressing, because I feel most women remain in the industry. Only in very rare cases I have seen a girl leave the industry for good. But as I mention in that post, prostitutes seem to only leave the industry when they get involved in a relationship, and unfortunately they go right back to the industry when the relationship fails.

I should try to be more optimistic. There has to be a way to leave the sex industry. I want to leave eventually, but right now my addiction to the money is something I cannot combat. Again, my mind is been poisoned with the fact: I can make a lot of money in one hour that no other job can provide me. Even when I graduate from University, I can still make more income working in the sex industry regardless of finding a qualified ‘normal’ job.

The industry is an addiction. The first step is for an escort to understand herself. She needs to assess why she got in the industry and the reasons she needed the money. The second step is to seek counseling, preferably counseling from an addiction counselor or if lucky a counselor who is familiar with the sex industry. Leaving the industry will require immense sacrifice. It means getting a ‘normal’ job to survive, and training oneself to work long hours on a schedule.

A materialistic prostitute (a woman selling herself to gain social/superficial prestige –like I started out to be) will find it the most difficult to leave the industry. She is not only facing addiction to the money, but she is also deeply insecure. She has based her entire self-worth on the presence of luxury and wealth. This is my problem. I have to accept simplicity before I can give up this work. I have to accept that shallow perceptions of life are not important, and while this seems like an easy concept to accept it’s actually not.

Your Question: I am in love with a prostitute/ escort. Will our relationship be successful?

First, you need to assess what sort of prostitute she is. Ask: Why is she selling herself, and more importantly what factors lead her into selling herself to men? What sort of values does this woman have? A man who is in love with a prostitute must realize that a prostitute does not have the same experiences as a ‘normal’ woman. Therefore, a prostitute will be deeply shaped by her unique experiences, experiences that ‘normal’ women do not encounter. The experiences faced by prostitutes affect their emotions, and mostly in a negative way. For instance, a prostitute who sells herself to gain higher status (live in comfort/luxury) is likely to have a major ego followed by major insecurities. Insecurities do great damage to relationships, which I have experienced. Often, my insecurities caused me to lash out on my partners. I could not bare the idea of being wanted by only one man, when previously I (or my ego) was accustomed to ‘praise’ and ‘admiration’ by numerous men.

My estimate is that a relationship with a prostitute can be successful if she doesn’t possess selfish and egotistic traits. The escort/friend of mine who did get married is very simplistic and humble. She gave up her luxurious, self-made lifestyle to have a simple life with the man she loved, now her husband. She valued loved over financial gain.

Often, I wish my ex-fiance could have understood me better. But its not his fault. Neither of us knew I had serious emotional issues until the fighting/arguments began. Although I was a prostitute, I considered myself ‘normal’ up until being serious with my ex; it made me realize that my emotions are quite damaged. But my ex also thought I was a just like other women because I didn’t look or act like a ‘typical’ prostitute (typical in the context of being vulgar, uneducated). He had expectations of me that were expected of women who don’t sell themselves, but he was not prepared for my ‘baggage.’ Love is strange, and blinding, because despite the constraints I caused our relationship my ex didn’t give up. Instead, I gave up, because I knew I was only capable of hurting him. I could not promise him anything, because I was too much of a wreck.

Your Question: Do Escorts Fall in Love with Clients?

Yes, it happens. But what I mentioned above illustrates that escort-client relationships are tricky. They are often unsuccessful as either the client cannot commit or the escort cannot compromise her work. So far, I have been in two serious relationships (one currently on-going) with men who originated as my clients. I have also been in love with an additional young man, Khalid, who’s a client, but money is what keep us from being in a serious relationship. Khalid doesnt have the means to give me enough financial support, therefore I refuse to commit myself to him. Instead, the two men who got me, my ex and the Sheik, helped me lovingly and generously. My ex provided for me financially, and so does my current partner. That aspect alone is a deal-breaker whether I like to admit or not. I could never be with a man who doesn’t ‘spoil’ me, because my addiction and ego is too strong (not something I am proud about). My poisoned theory is: why be with a man who doesn’t spoil me when there are many of other men willing to spoil me?

Your Question: Why does society say it’s wrong to be a prostitute?

Imagine you are a pompous ruler. You have millions of people in your kingdom, and those people need to be mobilized and controlled. How to control these masses of people? Firstly, you need to assert your dominance. You need to instil fear into the minds of those millions of people, because fear is a great form of control. Thus, you create an organization, or religion, that provides structure for those millions of people. In this structure, you create strict rules that dictate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Of course, you want your followers (the masses) to be loyal and embrace your society/kingdom, so you have to make them believe the rules (of the organization) are ‘good’ and ‘beneficial.’ Now, if you are male, you don’t want a bunch of women running around and having the freedom to choose who they sleep with. After all, in this mentality, women are the producers of future generations. Then, you control the sexuality of women, and by doing that you can control the future children being born into your kingdom. You tell the people that a ‘good’ woman is one who is chaste, modest and only has sex when it’s lawful to do so (in a marriage contract). A woman who has sex for pleasure is totally wrong and bad! Thus, if you are woman who has ‘loose’ morals you are a terrible person, and should be condemned by society. Social exclusion/condemnation is a way of preventing others from defying the norms that benefit your kingdom.

The point in my little story above is to illustrate that prostitution is unacceptable in society because it clashes with the values of the dominant class. Women’s bodies are still viewed as the essential component to nation building, so most rulers feel the need to regulate sexuality. This may not be the case in modern societies today (where sexuality is more open and accepted), but prostitution as being ‘the great social evil’ stemmed from historical regulations on women’s bodies.

Your Question: Why NOT to become a prostitute / call girl / girl ?

Well, my whole blog gives endless indirect reasons why not to become a prostitute. It should be quite apparent that I’m not entirely content with the situation I’ve chosen. The main reasons not to join the sex industry are the added loneliness, the emptiness, the addiction, the emotions, the loss of touch from reality, the distrust from men, the insecurities, the false facades, the rejection, the values associated with money, the prospect of never trusting men, the false feeling of being loved and wanted, loss of family/friends and the separation from simplicity (natural happiness).

Your Question: How does an escort make money when she has her period (menstruating) ?

Good question. I had the same question when I first joined the sex industry. I had absolutely no idea what the answer would be. I was quite shocked when the madam told me, “Not working because of your period is NOT an excuse!” I was shocked to learn that almost all prostitutes work during their menses. I learned that many had their own methods to deal with the blood. Some women used contraceptives which made their menses disappear altogether. Another technique was used when the period was in its lighter stages in which a red colored condom is used to disguise any droplets of blood. The other more common method was using a sponge (a make-up/ or sea-sponge) that is inserted inside the vagina before seeing a client. The sponge is not felt during sex and it captures the blood thus making the sex blood-free.

Your Question: Is non-sexual escorting classified as ‘prostitution?’

This question is regarding the concept of a ‘social escort,’ which is typically a woman who is paid to accompany men for social events, such as dinners, outings, etc. I have yet to meet a ‘social escort’ who strictly does not have sex with her client afterwards. Indeed there are many clients who seek companionship over sexual intercourse. There other many other sexual acts besides penetration that some men seek. A small minority of clients don’t even request for sex, but rather they like to spend the time talking, or satisfying their fetishes with the woman. Regardless, most men need some form of release. I have only encountered a handful of men who didn’t want any release at all (meaning these men didn’t want to ejaculate/come). It is a rarity. Never the less, my theory is a ‘social-only’ escort cannot truly exist, because if the man paying for her company likes her he will offer more money to get sexual services. The money is too tempting for such a woman to say no. It would SEEM ideal to be a ‘social’ escort in theory in which a woman is paid to just hang out with men. Yet in reality mingling with men in public is far more time consuming, less financially rewarding, and much more ‘work’ compared with having sex with a client.

A social-only escort could not charge the rates of a prostitute. For instance, there are some women who provide services other than actual sex. These women refer to their services as ‘sensual massage,’ in which they provide a nude massage complete with hand-release, and maybe oral sex. Since these sensual masseuses do not have sex, they also cannot charge the rate of a ‘full-service’ prostitute. Rate is generally determined by the amount of service provided.

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December 10, 2011 · 7:59 am

Sometimes, we learn when it’s too late..

With time comes change. My thoughts are constantly changing and evolving. Over one year ago, I broke my engagement to my ex. I left on a selfish whim, because I was unsure of what I wanted. Last year, I blamed him for our problems. However I’ve realized that many of the issues that made me incapable of loving him was me. I denied love to him. He loved me with all of his heart, but I tore him apart with my insecurities. When I hated myself, I made sure that he felt just as unworthy, rejected and unwanted as I felt for myself. What an utterly selfish thing for me too.

When I met my fiance, I was not prepared to love another person. Back then I didn’t realize my inability to show love to others. I used escorting as means to support my addiction to money, but also to fuel my independence. Indeed, love is never without sacrifice. Back then, the money gave me an ego. By no means was I willing to give up my ego and my needs for another person. As a result, I neglected a man who loved me perhaps more than he loved himself. I took advantage of his devotion, affection and selfless nature.

My ex still believes that I never loved him. I don’t blame him. Judging from the ways I treated him he has every right to feel hurt and angst. The truth is, however, I loved him so much. He was my soulmate. The problem was that I lacked love for myself, and I didn’t know how to cope with sacrificing. Most of my life I was accustomed to getting what I want, so I acted very immaturely when it came time for me to compromise. My ex wasn’t demanding, but rather he wanted a simple life for us. He went beyond his means to please me, yet his effort couldn’t sway my selfishness. Now, he tells me that I will never find a man who loved me as much as he did. I believe him, because I know it’s not possible. He entered my life for reason. Unfortunately, I hurt him and mistreated him, but had I not met him I would have never learnt from my mistakes.

The irony is that I yearned for love. Whenever I was depressed and feeling lonely I longed for good people in my life. I longed for a partner who I could love and trust. Finally, when I met the ideal man, my ex, I contradicted myself: I denied love for him, and also myself. I chose to cater to my addiction to money and materials, and only months later I realized that I’m not fit to be a prostitute. I am too emotional. I am too much in need of love. (even though I have a problem expressing my love to others).

Prostitution is a very complex industry that cannot be measured in simple terms. We cannot just say it’s a business, because it is more complex as it involves human emotions and physical acts of ‘love.’ Some men seeks prostitutes for sexual forfilment only, while other men are deeply lonely and are yearning to find the ‘nurturing’ quality that a woman is presumed to provide. As mentioned previously, I have often attracted clients who view me as a potential partner. It’s hard to see these men, because I feel I am cheating them. I am denying them love and taking their money. In return they get my body, but what they seek is beyond sexual pleasure — these men need love. Again, my heart cries for these men, but I cannot love them all nor do I prefer them as my clients. I would much prefer an ‘equal’ transaction ordeal, where a man pays me to ‘use’ my body without emotional attachment. Realistically, it doesn’t happen the way I want.

Instead, the only men I have loved, notably my ex and the Sheik, were my clients. I suppose they were the exception, because somehow the connection we had went beyond normal settings.

Lately, I do not work. I totally halted new clientele. I am in love, and ever so thankful for what I have. Yet of course, I am conflicted at times. At times I feel  I can sacrifice for the one of I love, but at other times I fear of losing myself and my independence. As mentioned before, I try to live in the moment, rather than look ahead. It’s not easy to live with this “live for now” perspective, but so far it’s all that I can do.

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Filed under Dealing with Depression, Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting, Relationships

November 10, 2011 · 7:51 am

The Difference Between Conditional and Unconditional Love

My ex-fiance was Muslim. He wasn’t devout, but he wasn’t too liberal either. He loved me unconditionally. How do I know? He accepted me for who I am. My ex wanted to marry me, and religion was not even a concern. His family was traditional. He would have faced objection to marrying a non-Muslim, but his love was stronger than this ‘pride.’ Thus, his love was unconditional. All the social stigmas that went against our union were ignored by him — he would cross any barrier to be with me.

On the other hand, with my love , the Sheik, religion has also not been a concern, ..yet. This time, there are numerous barriers to our union. The stigma of my profession. The stigma that I’m not Muslim. The stigma I am not Saudi..and even the stigma I’m not of the same tribe! I wonder, will he be like my ex? Is our love conditional or unconditional? For the present, it is unconditional…but what about the future?

I have always pondered that “if” question - how would I feel if my partner ASKED me to convert to Islam?:

If a man does not accept me for who I am (which is not easy considering the social stigmas attached to me) then the relationship will die. I can compromise for simple things, but not who I am. I have felt unconditional love, and therefore I will never accept anything less. If the day comes when someone asks me to convert my beliefs to conform to theirs…..I will be gone.

The arrogance of patriarchical customs. It reminds me of a cheesy Bollywood film  (Mission Kashmir) I watched which depicted an Indian Muslim man who married a Hindu woman. An outsider ridiculed the Muslim husband because he didn’t convert his wife. Defending himself, the Muslim husband said something along the lines of, “Why should I ask my wife to give up her faith for me? If anything, I would convert to her faith if that meant being with her” I found that scene very empowering. It reminds me of my Sheik, because he says, “I respect your beliefs just as you respect mine.” In essence, nobody (nor any faith) is either right or wrong.

Similarly, a woman I met preached constantly on how this is ‘haram’ and that is ‘halal’ while at the same time contradicting her own sayings. She went to the extreme of saying she wanted to revert to being a ‘virgin’ again, so that it would make her more ‘appealing’ to a ‘good’ Muslim husband. I don’t think she understood the concept of unconditional love, or somehow she convinced herself that she was unworthy of it. How can one love another who has set conditions for their love? If only we could seize judging others, and reflect on ourselves and what works for us. Rather than judge her, I actually felt bad for her. She, like myself prior, is too concerned with how others judge her…and in the process she forgets who she is. I hope she can stop worrying one day, because there is nothing bad, or ‘haram’, about the real her.

I have noticed that many non-Muslim women embrace the idea of converting to Islam for their Muslim partner. Are they really doing it for themselves? Or are they doing it fearing rejection if they don’t. For the ones doing it on the advice of their partner, I ask again, how can you love someone who has place conditions on your love?

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July 9, 2011 · 5:53 am

The Polars of Love & Guarding Modesty

Such love is never balanced. It’s either he’s chasing me, and I’m not interested. Or vice versa. Yet I seldom make my affection apparent. Last month I did my best to make him feel that I don’t need him in my life. I tend to do such foolish things when I’m high on my own ego. I felt so wanted, and I rubbed it in his face. Last month it was “I don’t need you.” But now, it’s: I only want you.

I mentioned in a post before about fate….and how fate is driving me to question why things happen. It is the work of some Supreme Being? Or it just the law of nature? I’ve noticed that my mind acts to neutralize the polar of my emotions. For instance, the last month had been rather great for me. Often, when things are great and I’m feeling highly desirable I tend to lose myself in selfishness. Well, today, my mind’s equilibrium kicked in to deflate my ego, which was peaking. I’m back down-to-earth, leaning slightly on the depression side.

Guard Your Innocence …

Modesty Veil

Beauty is a curse. Only in recent years have I realized that valuing beauty is more harm than good. Any woman who is aware of her ‘beauty’ and takes measures to flaunt it will face repercussions. Relying on ones beauty is dangerous, as it lays the seeds for insecurities. Beauty will eventually fade, and a such a woman cannot cope when she is no longer praised for that worthless quality. Yet, it is so hard to not embrace beauty, because Western society promotes shallow individualistic behavior. Such vulgarity and shallow values in the West pressured me to focus on my external. My beauty is how I survive and it’s what I’ve relied on not only for money but for opportunities and attention. By doing this, it has only harmed my internal self. Ironically, I wish to hide from the world these days. I am starting to value and admire modesty. I’ve started to feel that veiling (hejab or niqab) has a lot of meaning. Modesty is so beautiful, but sadly it’s becoming less and less prominent.

I wish my Mother had protected my innocence as a young girl. As soon as I learned that my looks enhanced the way others perceived me I began self-exploitation. It didn’t help that the mass media endorsed my self-exploitation, by making it seem acceptable for women to be sex-objects. I cannot imagine what it must be like to raise a young girl in Western society today. My Mother is a loving and great woman, but she was too permissive with me. She was too naive when raising her children in a different country than her own. Little did she know that her daughter would venture off to a secret lifestyle. I don’t blame my Mother, as she didn’t know any better. All she knew was that her extremely strict upbringing made her unhappy, so she decided to do the opposite. It’s so sad to see  that young minds are becoming sexualized. Even worse, Western culture has been diffused globally, so the trend of sexual exploitation is increasing. This reminds of me when I first encountered provocative Muslim women, who wear skin tight clothing, 5-inch sexy high heels, and of course a hejab! Western Cultural imperialism has succeeded indeed.

I only continue to sell my body to fuel my addiction. I’m addicted to the money, the easiness of the actual work, and the admiration from the men. I am not strong enough to withdraw from this addiction….but every so often, I hope I’m close to the end.

For further readings on prostitution and it’s relation to sexual objectification of women, I found a great article here:

“Pleasure and sex which can be bought apart from woman’s soul: conditioning men into thinking of women as objects and pressurizing women to “conform” to sex-beauty protocols” -(Source below)

http://sherryx.wordpress.com/2009/03/18/objectification-of-women-from-fashion-industry-to-prostitution/

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June 18, 2011 · 7:48 am

Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry ?

In my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I have only seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave the sex industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, “She’ll be back, ” said by a Madame (brothel/escort business owner)  at an establishment I worked at overseas. This was after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to pursue her new “normal” job and boyfriend. She’ll be back……how discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was.

Paulina

Leaving the industy is NEVER without conflict. Paulina is the only former-escort I know who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasn’t easy at first. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. I was the odd girl who stayed away from the “casual sex, drugs, and party” scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with me.

(Note: For some working girls, there is a major distinction between casual sex and paid sex. Personally, I never engaged in casual sex, or in other words having sex for free.  It is deeply ironic, because I have sex for money and I don’t consider myself promiscuous. Of all people, an elderly woman once told me (this probably applied to a 1950′s European mentality): Married women have sex for love, Prostitutes have sex for money, and Whore’s have sex for fun.) Having said that, the term whore and prostitute has now become intertwined, but in reality most serious Escorts feel having sex for fun is a waste of time, let alone effort. As I’ve stated in other posts,  my deal breakers are strictly love or money.

Back to the story of my friend: Paulina was a beautiful South America girl who immigrated to the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which is when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved with an expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which seems to be the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her ‘experimenting’ phase was short-lived, and ended in less than a year.

One thing that Paulina and I did have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised in the West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (which gave her a deep sense of guilt towards her poor choices in life). She had quit the industry, and completely got away from the drugs  and partying.  She called me out of the nowhere one day, and wanted to meet. At first I couldn’t understand why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from the industry. In her view, I was someone who would not tempt her back into her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort too. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay away from prostitution, even though I wasn’t ready to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and found it hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he had no idea about her past and she wanted to keep it that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I haven’t seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where I used to live. Currently, she is still out of the business, and getting married soon to the love of her life. She is my hope…because if she can continue to be away from the industry, then there is hope.

Unfortunately, it is so easy to fall back into prostitution…

The pattern I’ve observed has become common: women who leave the industry to pursue love only to return when that love failed. Another woman I know did ‘quit’ the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the man she loved. Months ago I remember her telling me “If I wasn’t with my boyfriend, then I would still be selling my body.” This is classic of women trying to leave the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of it. Over the years, I met countless women who’ve returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Some of these girls say they “wasted” their youth in their failed relationships when they could have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves.

When falling in love with a potential partner an escort has to ask herself, “Is he worth it?” If he’s wealthy, an escort will be more prone to be with him as a wealthy man seems worth-the-while. The men she rejects are the ones who cannot offer her financial freedom, but ironically they are probably the men who are willing to love and treat her the best. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on making money. None of these scenarios are ideal for an escort. A relationship with a wealthy man may be financially rewarding, but emotionally lacking. Then, there is the man who provides us with love and affection, but he lacks the financial means to keep us comfortable. Finally, being an escort and choosing to avoid love at all costs is extremely lonely.

How often do Escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in the picture? I have yet to come across a prostitute who leaves the industry for her own intuition. I have to ask myself this question: Do I want to leave because I want love? Perhaps, but most importantly I want normalcy, which I feel is the barrier between myself and others. Although I did quit for a short period when I was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I was finished with the industry. I still haven’t. It’s a question that I’ve been avoiding to answer: when will I quit? Sometimes I say soon, but other times I say after I am finished my studies.  Regardless, I don’t feel that I’m ready to leave now.

Fear of leaving sex-work is strange. It’s a conflict of emotions. I’m aware it’s damaging me, but when times are good I tend to ignore the harm I’m doing. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this whole “survival of the fittest/competition” among society is a false notion, yet the idea is still very real in modern society. I’m aware that competition is only a social fact, and yet I feel deeply pressured to be part of this race in society. I fear that if I don’t sell myself, I will lose out in this competition. Yet why do I want to be part of this shallow competition in the first place? This is what happens in a society that puts emphasis on progress, status, and wealth. This is what drove me to Sociology as a field of study:  society deeply impacts how people think and behave. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social pressures.

Once you’re in the sex industry it is very hard to leave. A woman I know is trying her best to pursue a ‘normal’ job but admits she feels the pressure to return to escorting. It’s too easy (escorting), and the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted with the haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard work at a normal job. Did any of us imagine growing accustomed to our lazy, self-indulgent lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that we’d become a slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A good friend of mine is a former receptionist in the sex industry. She told me how she was tempted to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. So I ask myself time and time again…”Was it worth it?”

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