Growing up in a world that emphasizes enduring romantic love, fairytales and love marriages indeed influences us. In the West, we are socialized to believe in love that is everlasting and monogamous; we expect that our lovers should stay faithful and honest to us. In current times, expectations on love are very high, which often leads to disappointment. Where did these expectations come from? Why do we assume that relationships MUST be monogamous? Why do we assume that humans can only love ONE person? Is fidelity a realistic expectation if we consider the worldwide statistics of divorce?
My view towards love and relationships are changing. As an escort, I see countless men who are ‘commited’ — often men who are in loving relationships with girlfriends and wives. What can explain why these men are cheating on their partners? Many of these married men love their wives, but their wives no longer have sex with them. We label these men, or anyone, who cheats as selfish and weak because they cannot ‘control’ their desires. Yet isn’t it unjust when men, and also women, are stuck in a relationship that lacks intimacy? Many men and women feel ‘stuck’ in their marriages, so rather than divorce and face all negative impacts of divorce they end up choosing infidelity.
Men, like women face oppression from Modern gender role expectations. Previously, I used to feel that I could never trust men (because my experience as an escort saw too many ‘nice’ men who were cheating their wife/partner). I was once bitter; I thought that most men were liars and cheaters. But my thoughts have changed as I try to understand the dynamics of society. My view now is: Social expectations and social pressures have forced men to lie and ‘cheat.’ Men are not at fault. Women also lie and cheat. But the problem is society and UNREALISTIC social expectations placed upon us. Western style monogamous marriage, alone, is an unrealistic expectation. Engels viewed marriage as, “socially sanctioned prostitution,” which may not be the case today as women have more autonomy…..but what about the concept of this type of marriage? One must be mindful that marriage has many variations and interpretations cross-culturally. For this topic, I am referring to monogamous marriage (in Modern times, the ‘love’ monogamous marriage).
“To hold and proclaim that a man and a woman (who may not even have chosen each other) are in duty bound to satisfy each other in every way throughout their lives is a monstrosity that necessarily gives rise to hypocrisy, lying, hostility and unhappiness” (Simone de Beauvoir, 1949: The Second Sex (1974 edn. p497-8).
Basically, Simone De Beauvoir, the pioneer French feminist, says the concept of Western monogamous marriage is invalid. Marriage, in her view, gives way to lying, cheating and hypocrisy because of the unrealistic expectations placed on individuals in a relationship (such as promising a lifetime of fidelity). I am starting to take a feminist stance on the whole concept of marriage and monogamous relationships, which is prescribed as the ‘norm’ in Western society. Polygamy is still taboo in Western societies. When polygamy does exist, it is only men who have the ability to have multiple wives. Women, of course, are not supposed to have multiple lovers…..because society does not recognize that a woman’s desire IS just as powerful as a man. The irony of it all is that our society embraces ‘serial monogamy’ (having a relationship, breaking up, and then starting a new relationship with another), yet polygamy is still stigmatized?
My stance on marriage is undetermined. On one hand, marriage is the only institution that has provided better security for children (until society can find a way where children and parents economic well-being is protected out of wedlock). Marriage is also the best tool (at the moment) to hold families together. But Western marriage, in particular, also has unrealistic expectations. With my experiences of seeing countless men cheating on their spouses, I really question the concept of fidelity. Even for myself, I have never been ‘faithful’ to any of my partners (mainly because of my work) ; but I have also had multiple lovers all at once. Many would probably label me as selfish, and unable to appreciate being with one person, or having a lack of self-control. But I ask: who wants us to be monogamous and why? Is monogamy innate or learned? Ideally, the concept of open relationships and marriages sound ideal, but we are far too egotistic to accept sharing our partners. Even I am hypocritical: despite having multiple lovers myself the idea of my men being with other women is unfathomable (but this is probably because I can’t let go of my ego and superiority complex).
We also need more openness to other variations of marriage that exist cross-culturally. Also, we need is more awareness and acceptance of the sexual needs from our lovers. For instance, if a wife decides to abstain from sexual intercourse with her husband, how can she expect her husband to give up his desire? That’s unfair to a husband. Similarly, I would suffer also if I was stuck with a man who couldn’t give me intense sexual pleasure. I feel deep sympathy for women who are stuck with men who don’t give them orgasm.
Yet what would compel a woman to stop having sex with her husband? Do most men fail to please their women?
Patriarchy, capitalism and Modern gender roles for men and women has conditioned society to ignore or devalue female sexual pleasure. Yet with more acknowledgment of women’s equality the sexual needs of women become more valued. A common myth is that women have less sexual desire than men. As well, we assume that when women get older, they lose their sexual desire. I disagree. The problem is these women with low-sex drives never got to experience intense sexual pleasure. Therefore, these women show little interest in sex, because they don’t even know what ‘good’ sex is. These women may have married early, and had only one to a few sexual partners. Personally, if I wasn’t a prostitute (with the experience of having sex with a variety of men) it’s likely I would have NEVER experienced good sex (because men who are amazing at sex are still a minority).
Faking orgasm and pornography influence men to perform bad at sex?
Aside from modern gender role expectations of female passivity, I attribute men lacking in sexual skills with two things: women faking orgasm and pornography.
What gave men the idea that it takes MINIMAL effort to make a woman orgasm? One reason is that women often fake their pleasure, which reinforces a positive self-concept of his performance. Too many women fake their pleasure. Even escorts do it commonly, which I have witnessed when clients booked me and another girl together. The result of women faking their sexual pleasure means that MEN will assume their BAD sexual skills are GOOD (and thus these men have no incentive to improve their sexual skills!). Countless men I’ve slept with have this annoying trait: they think it’s easy to make a woman orgasm. The classic scenario: during sexual penetration, the client will say to me, “Did you come yet baby??” Or better yet, after 2 or 3 minutes of oral sex on me, he says, “Are you close baby, did you come?” I, however, refuse to fake my pleasure. If he really wants to give me pleasure, I will teach him how to do it.
The other reason why men lack sexual skills is because of: pornography. Porn is mostly false acts of sex, and the goal of porn is typically for HIS pleasure. When a woman ‘apparently’ has orgasm in porn, they hardly depict the reality. They show a man performing cunninglingus for 1 or 2 minutes, with the woman screaming for ‘pleasure’ and then apparently, she has an orgasm. It’s false. Considering most men watch porn, they are being influence in false ways, giving birth to false expectation. They will have the expectation that women can come easily and are pleasured by minimal effort. Thankfully, some men reject societal norms of ignoring/devaluing female sexuality. Nonetheless, it takes two to tango: so if many women don’t discover their own sexual pleasure, how can men know?
Certainly many women may have no sexual desire because their partners or husbands never addressed their sexual needs. Yet we cannot blame the man, because perhaps his wife gave him false impressions that his performance was good. In cases of marriage in conservative societies, divorce is taboo because of social pressures and social expectations. So what happens as a result? Couples suffer passively, and they end up cheating. For many societies, love was not connected to marriage, yet there was also not an unrealistic expectation of monogamy. In a some contexts, some women fear to cheat, so they end up having lesbian relations with other women. A great Indian film titled Fire depicts this very well, where two married women resort to lesbianism because their needs are ignored by their husbands.
In theory, it sounds great that I can be accepting of my partners needs. For instance if I am unable to have sex, I should not prohibit my partner from getting it elsewhere. Just as I would hope, ideally, that my lover would let another man give me pleasure if he was unable to do so. In theory, this sounds great. YET in reality, JEALOUSLY, angst, emotions get involved because we are so conditioned to believe in ENDURING love. We are so selfish to even fathom that our lover might have needs that we cannot meet.
With my ex, I had severe trust issues. He didn’t trust me, as I was his young beautiful lover. And I didn’t trust him because he was, well, a MAN. That made our relationship disastrous. Ideally I want to be more accepting if my partner potentially desires another. But I admit, the idea is hard to digest. It’s my ego that gives rise to these jealous feelings….this sense of entitlement, that I must be the best and the ONLY woman for my man.
A man is responsible for his own actions. Is he to be Blamed? Maybe. Each situation can only be judged on its own facts. Is he Responsible? Yes.
You yourself say that you want your man to be faithful to you and to only have you as his lover. Would that not be a precious gift for your lover to give to you? That is what started this whole monogamy thing. Two people who wish to give each other the precious gift of their exclusive sexual attention. If it were so easy, it would not be so valuable or desired.
Okay, but is monogamy universal? Actually, most societies historically were polygamous (granting men the option of multiple lovers compared to women).
Precious gift of exclusive sexual attention, or were we socialized to think this (when really it’s a means of control on one’s desire)?
I said that I ‘want’ my partner to be faithful, because I still am attached to my ego. Yet, ideally, if I am unable to satisfy his sexual needs then I’d ‘like’ to be open to allowing him to see other women (maybe not sexual intercourse, but by other means). Yet this idealism will take years of unlearning my socialization
I think the problem is not in the sex area of life. The problem is when your partner is not really a partner – in other words, he/she does not support you emotionally. FROM THERE comes coldness, from there the people stop being connected.
)
There is no better feeling in life than making love to the one who loves you deeply in his heart, who supports you emotionally and who makes you a better person each day. Ok, maybe not each day. But what I mean is that I personally need a man who is my friend, my teacher, my brother, my father, and last but not least my lover. When I am with such a man, how can I not be happy and how can I not give him good pleasure in bed? (or outside of it, why not
Marriages fail not because of sex skills. But because of inability to communicate properly and learn of each other’s emotional needs.
I hope to marry a guy who will be my everything, coz I wanna do everything with him – I do not wanna have zillion friends, I want him to be my bestie.
I hope my poit was clear.
With love,
Leili.
Thanks for the comment love. Well, we all want a lover and a best friend in one, and it’s a blessing when we have it. Yet love can change over the years with life circumstances (having children. pregnancy). At some points in life, a woman or a man may be unable to satisfy their partners needs. If a couple was honest with each other, they would be honest with their needs ideally (yet this rarely happens, which gives way to lies). It’s a complex issue.
Hi there…:)
Marriage is a compromise that opens the road to whats really is important….Family and this is where it gets complicated, you and me come from broken homes, in your case your father and in my case my mother… i had to go through an emotional roller-coaster, and it wasnt easy.
Sex is important but food is more important and i know i cant eat pizza every single day, i have a relationship with my protein shakes and my gym and if i cheat with miss bacon cheeseburger i have to pay the consequences.
Right now i have a relationship with a lady i cant have sex (for now) and its EXTREMELY difficult, because i have needs, but im a RETARD who believes that i should protect her emotions, i have been tempted to pay a lady for sex but…i already did that once and…like you said the last time if i give money to an escort is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic.
When it comes to sex skills… ppl can improve their skills, but that takes time, so … women shouldn’t fake orgasms and be honest with their partners and teach them, women are often taught that they should repress their sexual needs so thats why everyone thinks that women dont have needs.
There are a lot of men who dont even know where is the clitoris, or in some cultures they hate that organ…. there is this egyptian journalist Mona something… she told a story about how an egyptian man was very explicit on his demands when he spoke to the family of his future wife, he needed above all that she needed “to be cutted”
I once knew a couple that the husband offered his wife to his buddies so they could have sex with her, they were a happy couple when they decided to have children that situation stopped and no lol i never accepted to have sex with her and she was a beautiful mexican.
IDEALLY it would be nice, but when it comes to reality is not that simple….but we are free to choose.
Take care
Good point Ivan. The way the family situation has become in Western countries explains why many conservative countries (like Saudi Arabia for example) are taking extreme measures to protect their collectivist (family based) culture. They may fear the consequences of women being equal, because her equality may undermine their strong male-dominated way of life that has existed for centuries.
Well, i wouldnt call amputating a clitoris a measure to protect family, and well is not something new but this is just a complex subject and i feel like this is one of those things that has no answer, just a way of handling things and accepting the consequence.
Good luck and take care beautiful
I don’t claim to have the answers about this. But I get tired of hearing people claim that faithfulness in marriage is “unnatural” and “goes against our nature”. That seems simplistic to me, and I believe it is often used as a cop out, rather than to struggle with the complexity that is reality. It is “natural” to poop in your pants, but it’s not a very satisfying or mature way to live. It is the way of growth and maturity to learn how to do the difficult things that make for a better way of living, even if they are not easy to do.
It is true that some societies historically were polygamous — some held up a standard of monogamy, and some (Pacific Islanders) were polyamorous. If poly arrangements were so clearly superior, the idea of monogamy would have withered away (remember “free love” in the 60′s?). Instead, it continues to be the dominant model, if an embattled one. I, for one, was never unfaithful to my wife. I did have a struggle with that for a period of time, until it became clear to me that wanting sex with someone other with my partner was much more about satisfying my own ego, even at the expense of my marriage and my family. I decided that my family was more important than stroking my own ego and I suddenly found it much easier to reject infidelity, because I had something much more important that I wanted to build and nurture. I was able to see a real change in how I looked at and approached other women. It really changed how I felt inside. Anyway, that was my story and experience with this issue.
That’s a great perspective Joe. I agree with you…perhaps our need for other lovers is just because of our ego? My own problem is how this ‘control’ was/is implemented by religion. Perhaps such ‘control’ has good intentions, but can it be successfully applied to all? You’re right about what you said before “Each situation can only be judged on its own facts. ” I don’t think anyone has clear answers that can satisfy all.
Yes, I also have difficulties with how this control has been implemented by religion. Some truly damaging things are often said and/or done in the name of religion. It only makes it harder to determine the best way to go about living your life. My best to you. I appreciate the way you honestly struggle with these things in your writing.
I love the discussion!
I also think Joe should create his own blog!
I honestly believe, that the world would be a chaos if a good chunk of its citizens cheated on their partners. Just think, for example: today we have condoms and BC pills. But what about hundreds of years ago? Men would impregnate random women but also come back to impregnate their wives? I mean, this does not make us different from animals. The only advantage of the situation we have today is condoms and such….
Another thing: I agree with Joe with sex skills. They only improve in time. If you are learning your partner – you are learning how to satisfy him/her sexually too. It is always fun to try something new, or something generally forbidden (like anal sex, just as an example). Married partners should have as much sex as they want in bed, experimenting and playing. Weekend should be spent cuddling and relaxing.
Also, in today’s busy world (at least I think American are extremely busy and hard-working people): who has time to cheat? Hahahaaa! Most people don’t have time to take a shower before bed and change to their pajamas – they fall asleep in front of a TV!
Thanks, Heart! I don’t know about doing a blog, but I do appreciate sharing honest thoughts with fellow travelers.
Joe, I really believe you should create a blog of your own! A lot of people would benefit from your advice and inspirations.
I agree…his perspective is very interesting!
gregg
i like your honesty in trying to deal with complex questions as there is no easy answer and can only be determined with each situation and each individuals own honesty within themselves. I have read and thought about these issues for a long time and can see both sides. Like you said that if we lived in ideal world your ideas are great but as humans we have jealousies, insecurities , socieities boundaries, etc. but we don’t so we all have to come to our final decesions. The only problem I can see by stepping out is the risk that one or the other can emotionally become involved with another and detach from our loved one but at the same time one can become detached withoug stepping out if our needs our not met. I think the best way that I can come up with is if 2 people truly are commited and love each other is to recognise each others needs and work at it. I think people take each for granted and as time goes by we then become cold and detached and then look else were for our needs whether sexually or emotionaly. Again this is a complex isssues that can only be resolved through partners being honest with each other and deciding what they think is the best for each other in a loving and caring way.
You are really explaining the symptoms we see today. The question I have : what of women who marry as virgins? Is your views the views of a woman who has slept with countless number of men, so in a sense is “rotten” somewhere? what about the women who marry as virgins? what about the few guys who do too marry as virgins? Are your views more relevant to men and women who dirty themselves by sleeping with tons of “partners”?