It has now been over one year since we met.
The Sheik and I.
A few month ago, I tried a new angle to view our relationship: Live for today, because one cannot predict tomorrow. In other words, enjoy the moments now even though the future is undetermined. It sounded great in theory, but unfortunately reality kicks in.
I am starting to lose my mind. I have been suppressing all my emotions. Ensa al alam…we literally have forgotten the world, the realities of life in the recent months together. We are indeed happy and growing closer every day. As we get close, a part of me dies inside. Our growing love will equate to the growing hate that is to come.
Quarreling has began. I start it. I pour out all my emotions. Tears fall and our wet faces mash together in an emotional embrace. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to assert some power, but I have realized I am so weak. I tell him to leave….but he won’t leave me.
Our relationship has a shelf-life. There are a couple more years, and then it will expire. There is still a generous transaction that has existed the entire duration of our relation. I am grateful for it, but it sometimes feels insulting when money is used to compensate for a future. He knows I love him beyond my profession, yet I am still the courtesan. I used to think the monetary riches could compensate for the wholesome things he cannot give me (family, children, home), but no amount of money can save me from this pain. I could demand anything I want at this point, yet I don’t. What I want are not ‘things’..what I want is something beyond any material — I want our future.
And he loves ‘us’ now, because it’s convenient now. Yet ‘us’ in future tense can never be. Political barriers to our union, and cultural barriers. I could wait until the expiration date, and see how/if he fights against these barriers. But why should I hope when the odds are against us? Some say I should enjoy the moments now, but I crave the impossible. I crave a family’s blessings and family surroundings, and being surrounded by children. We are so deeply isolated in our love.
I watched a film recently. A French/Arabic film, titled “Rajah.” I cried immensely. The film depicts a hapless woman who is trying to leave her life as a prostitute. She wants to find ‘honest’ work, and she does. She yearns for ‘honest’ love too, and she gets that too. Only later, this ‘honest’ man turns out to be like the others – a man loving her while neglecting her of her dignity at the same time.
The Sheik loves me. I can end it, and suffer now. It is him who won’t stop the chase. Perhaps he knows my weakness, and he plays my addiction, or maybe not. When I threaten to bail, he panics. He can have any woman he wants, but he submits to all my desires and, ironically (being a Saudi male), he caters to me, the woman. He treats me with utmost importance, love, and respect. Is it a farce, or is it his helplessness?
My ex-fiance gave up his life to be with me, and I rejected him. He was eager to give me love, family, a home, and children. Now, I yearn for a future with a man who will never compromise his life for our love. I keep dreaming….a dream that has no destination.