Monthly Archives: January 2012

The Beginning of the End — But When?

It has now been over one year since we met.

The Sheik and I.

A few month ago, I tried a new angle to view our relationship: Live for today, because one cannot predict tomorrow. In other words, enjoy the moments now even though the future is undetermined. It sounded great in theory, but unfortunately reality kicks in.

I am starting to lose my mind. I have been suppressing all my emotions. Ensa al alam…we literally have forgotten the world, the realities of life in the recent months together. We are indeed happy and growing closer every day. As we get close, a part of me dies inside. Our growing love will equate to the growing hate that is to come.

Quarreling has began. I start it. I pour out all my emotions. Tears fall and our wet faces mash together in an emotional embrace. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to assert some power, but I have realized I am so weak. I tell him to leave….but he won’t leave me.

Our relationship has a shelf-life. There are a couple more years, and then it will expire. There is still a generous transaction that has existed the entire duration of our relation. I am grateful for it, but it sometimes feels insulting when money is used to compensate for a future. He knows I love him beyond my profession, yet I am still the courtesan. I used to think the monetary riches could compensate for the wholesome things he cannot give me (family, children, home), but no amount of money can save me from this pain. I could demand anything I want at this point, yet I don’t. What I want are not ‘things’..what I want is something beyond any material — I want our future.

And he loves ‘us’ now, because it’s convenient now. Yet ‘us’ in future tense can never be. Political barriers to our union, and cultural barriers. I could wait until the expiration date, and see how/if he fights against these barriers. But why should I hope when the odds are against us? Some say I should enjoy the moments now, but I crave the impossible. I crave a family’s blessings and family surroundings, and being surrounded by children. We are so deeply isolated in our love.

I watched a film recently. A French/Arabic film, titled “Rajah.” I cried immensely. The film depicts a hapless woman who is trying to leave her life as a prostitute. She wants to find ‘honest’ work, and she does. She yearns for ‘honest’ love too, and she gets that too. Only later, this ‘honest’ man turns out to be like the others – a man loving her while neglecting her of her dignity at the same time.

The Sheik loves me. I can end it, and suffer now. It is him who won’t stop the chase. Perhaps he knows my weakness, and he plays my addiction, or maybe not. When I threaten to bail, he panics. He can have any woman he wants, but he submits to all my desires and, ironically (being a Saudi male), he caters to me, the woman. He treats me with utmost importance, love, and respect. Is it a farce, or is it his helplessness?

My ex-fiance gave up his life to be with me, and I rejected him. He was eager to give me love, family, a home, and children. Now, I yearn for a future with a man who will never compromise his life for our love. I keep dreaming….a dream that has no destination.

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Filed under Dating a Saudi Student - also my Client, The Sheik

Various Types and Characteristics of Prostitutes/Escorts

Over the years, I have encountered various types of escorts/call girls/prostitutes. We cannot be generalized so easily, but sadly we are generalized and stereotyped. Certainly, some escorts do fit certain stereotypes (for instance, being from broken homes, or had been sexually abused), but many other escorts did not endure such events. Most escorts, or I would like to say all (including myself), have experienced some sort of hardship (then again, who hasn’t?). In my case, I faced economic disparity, and resultantly faced depression. Now, however, I realize my depression was due to growing up in a debauched society that convinces people that their worth is based on shallow ideals. Of course, years later, I realized these ideals were wrong. Prostitution was a source of income that allowed me to feel good about myself. In the brothel setting, I was chosen and desired mainly for my sex appeal, which initially gave me an ego and fuelled some shallow tendencies. I was (and continue to be) mainly praised for my sex appeal. However, I am blessed to meet many clients who also truly desire me for whom I am, internally — like my ex-fiance, among others.

In the beginning, I sold myself to gain social prestige. As mentioned in previous posts, I grew up in a middle- to upper class neighbourhood. However, in my late teens my family fragmented, and our socio-economic status became poor. I did not cope well with the sudden transition to living in relative poverty, because meanwhile, my peers lived stable “normal” lives with many luxuries. Prostitution allowed me to remain ‘higher’ class, but only later I realized the whole concept of CLASS is a terrible way to define oneself. I wasted many years trying to please the WRONG people, people who reject others because they don’t follow the norms of society. Like many others, I wrongly assumed that mimicking the elite was a ‘good’ thing. Now, I see I was certainly wrong.

 Recently, in a history lecture on the politics of women’s bodies in a historical context, a classmate asked a cheeky question, “Do you think prostitutes sold themselves to gain higher status?” The professors response was, “I don’t think any prostitute sells themselves to gain status.” Perhaps historically, she is right. However, I am beginning to see a new side of prostitution that is becoming VERY common, yet not acknowledged:

The Materialistic Prostitute/Escort/Call Girl

I am talking about women who sell themselves for material, superficial gain. I’d say it’s a relatively new form of prostitution that is becoming increasingly common. A materialistic prostitute aspires to obtain symbols that uplift her status in the social hierarchy.  In advanced nations “status” materials, such as a Chanel handbag, means that one is wealthy, and therefore considered better (because such a society assumes those who are prettier, wealthier, and powerful are better). In theory, it sounds insane…but of course the societies of advanced nations promote perverted ideals.

During my first years of escorting I made lots of money, fast money. I spent it instantly, because the money was alway available. Louis Vuitton, Prada, silk blouses, fancy dresses, beautiful shoes. I could buy what I desired, or at least what I thought I desired. I still have those items, which now I realize have no sentimental value.  Again, my mind was exposed to various parts of the world as a child. My mind saw the difference between ‘modern’ society and my own ‘traditional’ cultural heritage. Somehow, I could never assimilate into the consumerist culture of the West. Only years later, I realized that the most simplistic things were things that made me feel genuinely happy. The ‘modern, advance, glitzy’ world didn’t really make me happy. Instead, the debauched values of the West made me a slave to selling myself for the wrong reasons. Initially, I sold myself to gain status, which translates to gaining acceptance from ‘higher’ class individuals by mimicking their dress and mannerisms.

My story is not rare. In fact, there are many, many middle-class girls who are selling themselves for wasteful reasons like I did. They open their legs and perform things they don’t really like to men they don’t really like for a Louis Vuitton handbag.

Having said that, I am still a prostitute. Indeed, I don’t really sell myself for bags and designer goods anymore. I sell myself because (apart from the great financial benefit) this is something I’ve become good at. I do enjoy meeting clients (most of my clients are quite nice and sweet), and sometimes I get chemistry with them and enjoy exploring each others’ sexuality. I have to be thankful that I am ABLE to do this. I am lucky that my financial needs are cared for by man who I love and enjoy (the Sheik), but at the same time I am aware that this will not last; and sadly, I love him beyond his money and wish to have things that can never be (a future).

But not all women share my fate. Countless women are dating men who they don’t love, because they want their money and to be pampered. This is known as a ‘sugar-daddy’ relationship, but it’s not different than prostitution. Personally, I cannot pretend to be in love with a man and be his girlfriend for money. I am affectionate as a courtesan, but I am straight-forward with my emotions to my clients — I don’t fake love.

Indeed, the political, social and economic structures that dominate most of the world are deeply influencing why women are seeking relationships based on wealth rather than based on love. It also can be said these factors are influencing men to view women as objects that can be essentially “used” for sexual purposes only.  Let’s face it, the new modern world worships money and its becoming increasingly patriarchal. Women as sex objects and sex vixens become subordinates to male power. I used to feel that being a prostitute and having my own money made me powerful, but then I realized that state power has made no status or space for ‘pleasure’ women like myself. At the end of the day, our money doesn’t change the fact we are still socially condemned.

It is not only the West where this is happening. Middle-class girls of semi-industrialized countries are seeking rich, elite men to finance their materialistic dreams. I have even read about Khaleeji women who give up their bodies (of course, not their virginity) to desperate Saudi men under the circumstance he ‘spoils’ them with an expensive handbag or shoes. These women are not to blame. It’s the influence of Western Liberal societal values that are worrisome. I do not believe prostitutes should be condemned or considered inferior just because they sell their bodies, but something is terribly wrong when women are doing it for overly-inflated designer handbags and silicone breasts. I almost got consumed by this poison myself, and I don’t agree with my past shallowness at all. The sad part is: this material-consumer culture still consumes me and I feel tremendous pressure. I once, unfortunately, internalized the idea that worth was based on superficial things (my body). How do I ‘unlearn’ 20-some years of being valued for what on the outside? It’s not easy. It’s not easy at all….especially in a society that places emphasis on the exterior. But now, I see the ugliness in shallowness. Now, I try to focus on the esoteric qualities of life.

Prostitution Slavery / Trafficked Women / Sex Slaves

People tend to think sex slaves are confined to poorer countries. However, they exist everywhere. In the West, there are always stories about women who were lured to a rich country in hopes to find a decent job, yet they get forced into sexual slavery to pay back their alleged debts.

I have not done extensive research on trafficked women, but I would love to do so in the future. It is well known that there are young Iraqi prostitutes in Syria and elsewhere in the Middle East…catering to Saudi male sex tourists. It really scares me. Without a doubt these women do not choose to be prostitutes, but rather they have no choice between doing it or starving. It is heart-breaking to hear stories of families selling their daughters. One must ask how great is this new ‘modern’ world-system when it can put some families in such a helpless state that they have to sell their daughters in order to eat?

Street Prostitutes

There are different levels of street prostitutes (hookers). When I began to work as a high-class escort, I also encountered ‘high-track’ women. ‘High-track’ is slang  for high-class street prostitutes. These women all have pimps. Some of these ‘elite’ girls work as escorts in private, or on the ‘high’ part of a designated outdoor area (or some do both). Again, they may not be high-class in the context of being educated and refined. In the sex industry, high-class is more associated with expensive women more so than actual class. Many expensive prostitutes actually come from poverty and working class backgrounds, yet their beauty allows them to be associated with high-prices and status men.

Some high-end street prostitutes I met were quite beautiful. I could never understand why these beautiful women would work on the street and have pimps (men who take their money). Later I learned that these women had a poor concept of self-governance, and were totally dependent on their pimps for survival (sad, indeed). One young beauty I met was from Eastern Europe. She immigrated to the West, alone, without any family. She told me the story about how she met her pimp. She had no idea about the word ‘pimp’ until she got manipulated by a so-called boyfriend. This boyfriend took advantage of her vulnerable situation and got her into escorting. Years ago in the U.S., an hour with a high-class street prostitute could range from 500 to 700 US dollars. The rule remains that only women with pimps are allowed to stroll in the designated ‘high-track’ area — but this practice of ‘high-class’ track has almost disappeared in recent years. Moreover, high-class street workers vary from country to country. For instance, in Amsterdam’s Red Light District some high-class girls showcase themselves in windows, while in Bangkok the girls wait outside clubs to solicit themselves.

In what seems like a completely different world, there is low-track. Low-track is the slums, or the worst district/street in a city or town (usually associated with homeless and drug-addicted people). Low-track sex workers are what many people assume is associated with the common prostitute: drug-addicted women selling their bodies for next-to-nothing or for drugs. These women are perhaps homeless, and are addicted to lethal drugs such as heroin, crack, meth, etc. I have never encountered one of these women, as they exist in another world totally different than the ‘high-class’ world of prostitution. Yet I have no right to degrade these women. They are humans. They all have a story. Nobody knows how or why these women ended up in such a desperate, vulnerable and dangerous place. Where do these women go for help? How do their clients treat them? Indeed they don’t even have homes and usually use sketchy motels.

High-Class Escorts From Poverty/Working Class Backgrounds

As mention, there is an irony associated with ‘high-class’ escorts/prostitutes, because most of the so called ‘high-class’ escorts are women from low-class/poverty backgrounds. Because of their youth or beauty, these women from low-tier backgrounds can sell themselves to wealthy, rich patrons for generous amounts, and as a result some can bring themselves out of poverty. However, many remain in poverty. I have met countless beautiful women who make thousands a week, yet they live in terrible conditions. The reasoning for this is drugs. ‘High-class’ escorts often take ‘high-class’ drugs (cocaine) to cope with their misery. Indeed many of these women hate selling themselves, but they are driven by the easy money. Their alternative options cannot give them the autonomy and financial ease as prostitution provides. To cope with their agony of letting undesirable men grope and penetrate their body, they use forms of ‘relaxers’ to ease the emotional pain. The women mentioned above are not keen on this job, whilst other ladies (such as myself) can enjoy aspects of it.

I, too, was driven for the money and the autonomy. In my case, I used Louis Vuitton handbags as a source for temporary happiness (which didn’t work). Thankfully I never got involved in other ways of coping with the implications of being a prostitute. I witness many other escorts using partying, drugs, painkillers, and alcohol to deal with their misery. Of course, they end up with multiple addictions, and eventually they end up selling themselves to pay for their drug habits. Eventually, their drug habits damage their beauty, and resultantly, of course, the price of these women drop dramatically at the same rate as their eroding beauty. Many beautiful high-class women, from years of abuse and neglect, end up as low-level street prostitutes. I have seen once beautiful, vibrant escorts transform into desperate, zombie-like addicted women who lost every ounce of innocence from their eyes,…and the worst part is realizing they may soon be on the streets, selling themselves for a hit. Now, one must ask themselves, “Why did these women start doing drugs in the first place?” Perhaps they were trying to cope with the fact they hate selling their bodies, or they were trying to cope with having to hide their identity in a society that is essentially hostile towards sex workers. Although I dismiss drug use, I totally understand why so many women resort to drugs and alcohol — it’s not always easy living this life (even when we do profit handsomely).

A lot of women in prostitution, regardless of their social status, have been neglected in some form. I have encountered many sex workers coming from unstable families and broken homes. Some of these women were raised in foster-care, some were raped, some were sexually assaulted. Somehow, these women were not nurtured or loved. It’s heartbreaking that they further their pain by joining the sex industry. Some do it by choice, but of course their choice is deeply influenced by their socio-economic situation. Many of these women lose hope, because their life experiences have hardened their viewed of hope. Furthermore, I observed how some sex workers have partners, husbands or boyfriends who also subject them to abuse and neglect. To add to the wound, society essentially rejects prostitutes for their ‘loose’ morals, and thus they are left in a psychological grave. I remember meeting a fellow escort who made decent money. However, she had an abusive boyfriend who gladly took her hard-earned money. The obvious question is: why don’t these women leave their abusive boyfriends? Again, the industry is deeply lonely. Many women would rather have the company of someone rather than nobody, and too often it’s bad company. The cliche “misery loves company” is too true in this case.

Selling sex does not have to be negative as it is today. Prostitution has existed in various manifestations both historically and cross-culturally. In other times and places, ‘pleasure’ women held status and social nobility. Only in recent history, in a Western imperialist context, laws and state regulations emerged to criminalized sex workers and other sexual minorities, thus convincing society that we are worthless, disgusting and to be condemned. For women who embrace sex and exploration with others, sex work can be a great outlet. I try to see it as something positive, even though the society around me doesn’t accept what I do. My case is unique, because I do enjoy sex, and I often express my desires with clients, but what is problematic is that MOST prostitutes/escorts are not like me. Most sex workers are very uneasy with the idea of sex with strangers, so why are there no better alternatives for women who do not want to be prostitutes?

The Media’s Unrealistic Depiction of Prostitutes.

I have seen some documentaries/ films / television series on sex workers that glamorize the sex industry. I recall a documentary called, “Cathouse” which depicted the lives of working girls in a Nevada brothel. The show angered me, because it did not depict any of the realistic, ugly aspects of the sex industry. Instead, it almost seemed like a marketing scheme to lure more ‘normal’ women into the so-called ‘glamorous’ world of ‘high-class’ sex work. This is the way the American (Western) media is going, where it’s trying to convince women that degrading themselves as objects is somehow equated to being powerful (in reality, these discourses (ideas) are propagated as a way a way of making money and reproducing systems of oppression). I felt sorry for the sex workers in the film, and I knew for sure that many of them are hiding a lot of pain and are likely unaware of their exploitation.

A good escort is trained not to express her sorrows in public, but rather to keep them inside. I was taught this when I first started working by a former prostitute-turned madam. She told me always to act pleasant and appealing, and never to discuss the realities of my life (the hardships), because in her view (which she is probably correct) clients do not pay to hear a sob-story. Men want sexually attentive, willing, and aroused young women, so thus it’s an escorts job to be an amazing actress most of the time. However, the dynamics often change when escorts develop a closer bond with a regular client. Generally, however, a sex worker who displays her anger and hostility towards men doesn’t make much money and will not have regular clients. Resultantly, many escorts hold their emotions inside in order to profit handsomely.

Where do Prostitutes Work?

Where prostitutes conduct their business depends on laws of their country/state. As well, different kinds of prostitutes conduct their business differently. I have worked from my own home and inside ‘high-class’ brothel establishments. A few times I have also done ‘out-calls,’ which is what people typically consider an escort or call-girl. An ‘out-call’ means I go to the client at his hotel. Some girls do ‘out-calls’ at a clients home, but I have never done this. I am not comfortable with outcalls, but when I have done it I did it at luxury hotels only. Overall, working independently (from home) is better financially, because I can charge higher rates and I keep all the money. However, working in a ‘high-class’ establishment is safer, but the downside is the owner takes a percentage of my money.

My ventures overseas gave me experience in a ‘high-class’ brothel (sex parlour). It was similar to a mini 5-star hotel, and it was immaculately furnished. This particular brothel could accommodate many clients. It was a very professional setting in which there were receptionists, intercoms to each rooms, flat screen televisions, jacuzzis, dressing rooms for the girls, and even a seperate villa to accommodate girls from out of town. I would be introduced to clients, and when they pick me I would take them to a room for our appointment. The room had showers, a king or queen-size bed, and was properly attired for the service of providing sex. The prices were not affordable, and patrons were generally middle to upper class. Occasionally some working men class men would come, which meant they had to “save-up” for the experience.

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Filed under "High-class" prostitution, The Escorting Business, Trying to Understand Why I Sell Myself, Types of Prostitutes