With time comes change. My thoughts are constantly changing and evolving. Over one year ago, I broke my engagement to my ex. I left on a selfish whim, because I was unsure of what I wanted. Last year, I blamed him for our problems. However I’ve realized that many of the issues that made me incapable of loving him was me. I denied love to him. He loved me with all of his heart, but I tore him apart with my insecurities. When I hated myself, I made sure that he felt just as unworthy, rejected and unwanted as I felt for myself. What an utterly selfish thing for me too.
When I met my fiance, I was not prepared to love another person. Back then I didn’t realize my inability to show love to others. I used escorting as means to support my addiction to money, but also to fuel my independence. Indeed, love is never without sacrifice. Back then, the money gave me an ego. By no means was I willing to give up my ego and my needs for another person. As a result, I neglected a man who loved me perhaps more than he loved himself. I took advantage of his devotion, affection and selfless nature.
My ex still believes that I never loved him. I don’t blame him. Judging from the ways I treated him he has every right to feel hurt and angst. The truth is, however, I loved him so much. He was my soulmate. The problem was that I lacked love for myself, and I didn’t know how to cope with sacrificing. Most of my life I was accustomed to getting what I want, so I acted very immaturely when it came time for me to compromise. My ex wasn’t demanding, but rather he wanted a simple life for us. He went beyond his means to please me, yet his effort couldn’t sway my selfishness. Now, he tells me that I will never find a man who loved me as much as he did. I believe him, because I know it’s not possible. He entered my life for reason. Unfortunately, I hurt him and mistreated him, but had I not met him I would have never learnt from my mistakes.
The irony is that I yearned for love. Whenever I was depressed and feeling lonely I longed for good people in my life. I longed for a partner who I could love and trust. Finally, when I met the ideal man, my ex, I contradicted myself: I denied love for him, and also myself. I chose to cater to my addiction to money and materials, and only months later I realized that I’m not fit to be a prostitute. I am too emotional. I am too much in need of love. (even though I have a problem expressing my love to others).
Prostitution is a very complex industry that cannot be measured in simple terms. We cannot just say it’s a business, because it is more complex as it involves human emotions and physical acts of ‘love.’ Some men seeks prostitutes for sexual forfilment only, while other men are deeply lonely and are yearning to find the ‘nurturing’ quality that a woman is presumed to provide. As mentioned previously, I have often attracted clients who view me as a potential partner. It’s hard to see these men, because I feel I am cheating them. I am denying them love and taking their money. In return they get my body, but what they seek is beyond sexual pleasure — these men need love. Again, my heart cries for these men, but I cannot love them all nor do I prefer them as my clients. I would much prefer an ‘equal’ transaction ordeal, where a man pays me to ‘use’ my body without emotional attachment. Realistically, it doesn’t happen the way I want.
Instead, the only men I have loved, notably my ex and the Sheik, were my clients. I suppose they were the exception, because somehow the connection we had went beyond normal settings.
Lately, I do not work. I totally halted new clientele. I am in love, and ever so thankful for what I have. Yet of course, I am conflicted at times. At times I feel I can sacrifice for the one of I love, but at other times I fear of losing myself and my independence. As mentioned before, I try to live in the moment, rather than look ahead. It’s not easy to live with this “live for now” perspective, but so far it’s all that I can do.