I am seeing a counselor now. We’ve had about three sessions so far. She is very understanding, and it feels relieving to talk to someone about virtually all aspects of my life. I trust her. I feel I can trust anyone who is educated about social issues, because rather than judge they look at people from a macro social perspective. In the past, I was almost tempted to tell one of my professors that I was a prostitute, because I knew she would not judge me (however, I did not tell her).
My counselor told me that a lot of my issues are stemming from my poor/absent relationship with my Father. She also said that my conflicting lifestyles are what led me to feel stressed and depressed. She said there were three me’s: (the escort, the REAL me and lastly, the “me” when I’m with friends and family who aren’t aware of my profession). She said she completely understands why I often feel, well, LOST. Essentially, I am a sexy escort at night (behind closed doors, of course) and in the daytime I am an ‘innocent’ University student. But who’s the real me? That is a question I don’t know how to answer.
I am not sure what I seek from her counseling services. For one, I am in no position to leave the industry anytime soon. Although the job can be stressful at times, at other times it isn’t. Lately I’ve really enjoyed working and seeing clients. I got over my burn-out and feel totally rejuvenated. My hormones are off the chains, and I find myself being extremely aroused these days. Unfortunately for me, my favorite clients are leaving next month for Ramadan (the Saudis). Two clients of mine have been driving me wild in comparison to the Sheik. I have now realized that it’s possible for a man to get better with his sexual skills and evolve. One of my younger Saudi clients/friend, Khalid, has began to impress me a lot….and consequently, I crave him more than I did before. But again, what is a life to be only wanted for sexual pleasure?
Besides them, I have come across another Saudi in his late-20′s who’s swept me off my feet. I must remind myself that’s it’s not worth it. Despite sharing a deep emotional attachment I must face the reality: it’s just temporary fun for them.