In my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I have only seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave the sex industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, “She’ll be back, ” said by a Madame (brothel/escort business owner) at an establishment I worked at overseas. This was after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to pursue her new “normal” job and boyfriend. She’ll be back……how discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was.
Paulina
Leaving the industy is NEVER without conflict. Paulina is the only former-escort I know who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasn’t easy at first. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. I was the odd girl who stayed away from the “casual sex, drugs, and party” scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with me.
(Note: For some working girls, there is a major distinction between casual sex and paid sex. Personally, I never engaged in casual sex, or in other words having sex for free. It is deeply ironic, because I have sex for money and I don’t consider myself promiscuous. Of all people, an elderly woman once told me (this probably applied to a 1950′s European mentality): Married women have sex for love, Prostitutes have sex for money, and Whore’s have sex for fun.) Having said that, the term whore and prostitute has now become intertwined, but in reality most serious Escorts feel having sex for fun is a waste of time, let alone effort. As I’ve stated in other posts, my deal breakers are strictly love or money.
Back to the story of my friend: Paulina was a beautiful South America girl who immigrated to the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which is when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved with an expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which seems to be the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her ‘experimenting’ phase was short-lived, and ended in less than a year.
One thing that Paulina and I did have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised in the West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (which gave her a deep sense of guilt towards her poor choices in life). She had quit the industry, and completely got away from the drugs and partying. She called me out of the nowhere one day, and wanted to meet. At first I couldn’t understand why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from the industry. In her view, I was someone who would not tempt her back into her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort too. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay away from prostitution, even though I wasn’t ready to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and found it hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he had no idea about her past and she wanted to keep it that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I haven’t seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where I used to live. Currently, she is still out of the business, and getting married soon to the love of her life. She is my hope…because if she can continue to be away from the industry, then there is hope.
Unfortunately, it is so easy to fall back into prostitution…
The pattern I’ve observed has become common: women who leave the industry to pursue love only to return when that love failed. Another woman I know did ‘quit’ the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the man she loved. Months ago I remember her telling me “If I wasn’t with my boyfriend, then I would still be selling my body.” This is classic of women trying to leave the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of it. Over the years, I met countless women who’ve returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Some of these girls say they “wasted” their youth in their failed relationships when they could have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves.
When falling in love with a potential partner an escort has to ask herself, “Is he worth it?” If he’s wealthy, an escort will be more prone to be with him as a wealthy man seems worth-the-while. The men she rejects are the ones who cannot offer her financial freedom, but ironically they are probably the men who are willing to love and treat her the best. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on making money. None of these scenarios are ideal for an escort. A relationship with a wealthy man may be financially rewarding, but emotionally lacking. Then, there is the man who provides us with love and affection, but he lacks the financial means to keep us comfortable. Finally, being an escort and choosing to avoid love at all costs is extremely lonely.
How often do Escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in the picture? I have yet to come across a prostitute who leaves the industry for her own intuition. I have to ask myself this question: Do I want to leave because I want love? Perhaps, but most importantly I want normalcy, which I feel is the barrier between myself and others. Although I did quit for a short period when I was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I was finished with the industry. I still haven’t. It’s a question that I’ve been avoiding to answer: when will I quit? Sometimes I say soon, but other times I say after I am finished my studies. Regardless, I don’t feel that I’m ready to leave now.
Fear of leaving sex-work is strange. It’s a conflict of emotions. I’m aware it’s damaging me, but when times are good I tend to ignore the harm I’m doing. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this whole “survival of the fittest/competition” among society is a false notion, yet the idea is still very real in modern society. I’m aware that competition is only a social fact, and yet I feel deeply pressured to be part of this race in society. I fear that if I don’t sell myself, I will lose out in this competition. Yet why do I want to be part of this shallow competition in the first place? This is what happens in a society that puts emphasis on progress, status, and wealth. This is what drove me to Sociology as a field of study: society deeply impacts how people think and behave. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social pressures.
Once you’re in the sex industry it is very hard to leave. A woman I know is trying her best to pursue a ‘normal’ job but admits she feels the pressure to return to escorting. It’s too easy (escorting), and the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted with the haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard work at a normal job. Did any of us imagine growing accustomed to our lazy, self-indulgent lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that we’d become a slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A good friend of mine is a former receptionist in the sex industry. She told me how she was tempted to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. So I ask myself time and time again…”Was it worth it?”
I think im getting addicted to this blog :p
I think the main issue with escorts is like you said, The emotional scars… Hypothetically speaking, lets say that i want to date lets say you and well we get along and you are smart, we have fun and we have things in common…. but! chances are that the reactions from someone who has been through your experiences and the way you interpret some of my behavior is not the usual way a woman who has not gone through this path is going to think and act.
I dated a stripper, (smart lady) but she looked at me as a provider (money) and for some reason i felt like she was depending how i made her feel, i mean as a man YOU HAVE TO protect in every form and way a female but probably you shouldn’t depend on them.
I have no idea how you are going to react but…
If you quit try to spend some time alone without a boyfriend, that could help… And this is my heart speaking, honestly i like your chances you don’t seem like you belong to this type of life, Stay close to Paulina when you decide to quit, she could share with you the right path to stay away from escorting again.
Good Luck
P.S.: Uhmm could you pick a nickname so i can refer to you in that way? that would be nice.
Thank you kindly again for the comments and sharing your experience. I’m glad you’re aware of some problems escorts/industry-women face, as it can be quite difficult for partners to understand us.
My nickname is Sahar.
Sahar ok
And btw Guys like me need patience too with you guys… but this implies that we need to know your past so… its possible that men are going to react differently in that situation. Take care Sahar
Sahar,
I hope you can give me some insight. I have been in the hobby for about 3 years but recently (4 months ago) met a woman in the business that I have fallen in love with. She has been in the business for about 5 years (started at 19), well reviewed and a wonderful person. She is very intelligent but has some legal issues as well as medical issues (depression and anxiety). She says she wants to leave to start a normal life and recently professed her love for me. At one point she announced she was retiring on her website but that has been removed, i believe she is afraid to open herself up to love and the risk it wont work out. How can i help someone get over this fear? I accept that she is still working, I accept her past and I accept she will be in transition but will she really leave after 5 years? Or is she destined to remain in the business, as she is addicted to the money, should I accept it as work or should I just walk away, but I would find that hard to do.
What are your thoughts?
Mark
Hi Mark,
That’s a really great question. Sorry, but I do not have a definite answer for you. I am have been in the exact same scenario as this woman you love. I truly believed I could leave. I also suffered from depression and anxiety. Can she leave? That’s a tough one. She may have also become addicted to the approval of men apart from the money. You must remember that something (or some event) happened to her that brought her to sell herself …there are reasons for everything. Perhaps try to ask her why she started to sell herself in the first place? Ideally, you could try to accept her work, but I don’t think it will be an easy task. Also, she may resent you later for allowing her to see other men. She will also resent you if you do not help her out financially, because she will feel she’s wasting her time being in a relationship with you. I am sorry that you are in this situation, because there is no correct path to take. Lately, I have just tried to live in the moment,…and not think about the future. Perhaps you can try the same thing with her — just live in the moment.
Please keep me updated if you like, or feel free to ask any questions
Sahar
i really like this blog, i am too and escort but i have boyfriend, but i would like to stop & stay with him but i feel so pressured to buy things that are expensive and luxurious
So Mark supposedly loves that escort and he writes she’s “well reviewed”?!? Lol. I have a different opinion, although I respect everyones views. I’ve been an escort for nearly two years. I am not interested in marriage or children since I do not find men trustworthy. I’ve always felt this way even long before escorting. I enjoy male friends, I enjoy sex for fun with very hot guys, I love partying. I’m completely drug free and I don’t feel I’m “selling myself”, but rather providing a needed service for relaxation and enjoyment, such as a really good massage. I don’t think its wrong to want prosperity, or to want to be single. I’m a feminist so societies guilt trip doesn’t phase me much at all. Escorting isn’t for everyone, but I feel I’m happy with the choice for me. Its unfair to generalize everyone in the industry as drug addicted emotional messes. If a man escorts we don’t say that about him do we? I think people should do what makes them happy. For some of us escorting makes us happy.
i totally agree; it is so difficult to leave the industry all together- when u leave the industry for good u must make the decision to also earn your own income another way – getting with a rich man is not the answer.
Hi I am a former escort and I was looking for others like myself. I officially quit 2 1/2 yrs ago to finish school seriously. I continue to see 1 person about 3 times a year in order to afford school and I needed to get out of extensive debt I had been in. During this time of sort of quitting, I have had a hard time cutting back on excessive spending. I have cut back a lot but still need to some more. I am trying to quit seeing this last guy. I hate him but he helps financially. The last 3 times I saw him I swore would be my last and the very last was for the purpose of getting extra money to afford counseling. I feel for you all, it’s a tough road. I do want to be able to love, I think that is why we are born, but I have to get my head straight and love myself before I can find that. No guy will ever love me enough for both of us. I never realized how unhappy I was until I stopped. I never dealt with any of my emotions while in the depths of it, that didn’t start until after. I feel like I took part in my own rape and images flash across my mind sometimes. I want to end on a positive note so I did finish my BA and work full time and am going for my master’s in the evenings. I am slowly adjusting to being around ‘normal’ people, although I feel lonely today. I thought about calling an escort myself for someone to relate to- kinda sad. I feel hopeful that I will get out of this 100% with no fall back crutch. I just have to learn to love myself and my body more than any amount of money.
Thanks for commenting. Good for you for having a backup plan and getting an education. I understand how difficult it is to leave your regular client. It’s part of the addiction, because we know men are willing to give us money for what ‘seems’ to be easy, fast work. We often overlook the social implications of such a seemingly ‘effortless’ task. I’m sorry you are depressed, and I understand how difficult it is to adjust to ‘normal’ society when you’ve spent years in a totally different realm of lifestyle. What is tragic about prostitution in a Modern context is that there is no destiny for us (in fact, there is no wholesome plan/support network for most ‘undesirable’ groups). I wish I could give some worthy advice, but sadly wholesome options for us are not available in mainstream society. We either conform to ‘normal’ ways, which means we hide our true emotions and experiences. Or we continue to sell ourselves and face social isolation from stigma. Even certain forms of higher education cannot compensate for the emotional factors that afflicted us from this work. However, the social and cultural disciplines are very helpful for individuals who seek to understand marginalized peoples. This might help you find acceptance and understandings of your worries. Good luck.
I am considering escorting. You are an extremely smart woman from everything I have read on your blog. Blessings to you.
Thank you kindly.
Ya know…..and I am trying to say this with compassion but I believe no one has put a gun to 99.9% of the escorts out there. Women who choose this work really shouldn’t expect compassion or pity from people because work is part of life and if you who choose this path using your looks and have other choices…end up depressed or hating, you all need to look on yourselves and NOT blame us untrustworthy men” That is such a worn out cliche. Men and women lie and decieve and not all do of either sex. I imagine though this being someone like a police officer who sees crime every day because of the nature of the job and thinks everyone is a crook or bum.. You really do have other choices in life. I like ‘Mark’ above met a woman and she could have sailed out of the business on a red carpet from a guy who adored her and could help he be whatever she wanted. THAT WAS NOT what she wanted. her CORE self when you dug underneath all the BS was to do whatever she wanted however she wanted and damn the negative consequences, which of course she was to never suffer from but others were. Having been cheated and emotionally abused in her life she felt it RIGHTEOUSNESS to do it to innicent others who had nothing to do with her unfortunate upbringing. She got herself arrested for prostitution doing something I advised her AGAINST, then blamed me for not “being there for her”. It astounds me the sheer BALLS and lengths some women will go to to remain in DEEP DEEP denial about who they are as human beings going way beyond her as an escort. Promosing me to me my secrets were safe with her and on and on it went only to have her betray me in order to keep her insane screwed world in tact. I lost sympathy for her since she didn’t care about my life. So, I say to women…man up…either admit you love the money..stop using or bashing men as an excuse and look into your own hearts if you have one left (mine didn’t) and get on with it.
Joey
I do agree with what you said, Joey. Nowadays many women are highly educated and as such they stand a much better chance to get a highly paid jobs comparing to decades ago. I don’t see a good reason for them to be prostitutes other than they want to take the easy way out to make lots of money within a short period of time.
@Play Boy
If a woman wants to sell herself why should she be condemned? It seems you have a narrow-minded mentality of a person who does not question the influences of media / gender roles. You’re statement completely ignores the fact that a lot of people (men and women) are living in relative poverty, which influences them to find other means of survival. A lot of prostitutes come from low socio-economic backgrounds, so I would hardly say it was their ‘choice.’
There are also prostitutes who were not originally poor, yet they are lured to sell themselves for various reasons. A minority of working girls might like sex. Or others want fast money. Yet how can we blame these women given the social pressures of today’s modern society? Young minds are constantly bombarded by media and advertising, which makes them believe their self-worth is based on money and sex appeal. They feel money equates to social acceptance. Blaming the individual ignores the social settings which created the conditions for prostitution to exist.
@ Joey
You are basically saying that stigma against prostitutes is okay, because it’s their fault they are selling themselves. Did you ever question the implications of people who are ridiculed and condemned by society? Your rant is very typical of someone who does not even question power of authority (government power) or social construction of identities, etc.
Also, this blog is not ‘bashing men.’ If you had read my blog, you would be aware that I am talking about prostitution from various angles. It is also not so easy to say that ‘prostitutes love money,’ because this is ignoring a lot of individual circumstances which lead to this stereotype. It is both men and women who are oppressed by societal structures and institutions in a Modern capitalist societies.
My short time in this line of work has been extremely lonely and extremely depressing. I come from a conservative town with conservative values. Those values are embedded within me. Regardless, when you miss certain opportunities in life, this industry is sometimes the only way to regain your financial freedom which is so essential to survival
Thank you for sharing that. Yes, it is very much indeed lonely at times, which is very ironic when considering so many men are chasing us. For me, escorting proved that money cannot buy happiness (at least not in the long term). However, there are ways to make the profession more positive, without compromising our soul.
Hi Sahar,
Thanks for sharing ur experience & views. It helped me understand someone better whom I met & who works as an escort. I know u r not a relationship expert but I would still value ur opinion! Briefly, I was married for 6 yrs, initially everything was fine than in last couple of yrs I started feeling there was no love in our marriage. I tried to push myself to save it but to no avail. As a result I started looking for intimacy outside & I met ‘L’.. After seeing her couple of occasions, I confessed that I love her & value her more than anything in my life. She didn’t promised me or said she loves me but was willing to try for a relationship. I parted with my wife told her the truth & moved in for few days with her.. After that found my own place. Few weeks later when she found out that I am not rich her behaviour changed towards me. Now when u have mentioned in ur blog I can relate to it why? Finally after one month of our relationship she said she dont want to see me anymore. It’s been six months since than & I think about her every day. In between she stopped escorting may be moved back to her ex for couple of months after our relationship ended. I m guessing because she did told me that he wanted her back and she thought he would be a better choice as he has his own house and I didn’t..2 months ago she came back to escorting again which I know from the website she works for. As a person who genuinely cares about her I was happy thinking she gave up this job & might have a better future with whoever she chooses but after I knew she came back to escorting again, it makes me feel sad & helpless. I am 31 & have my whole life ahead if me. I understand the fact that she can’t be with someone who can’t provide her the financial independence that she needs to give up this job! But how do I console myself as I have feelings for someone who doesn’t seem to acknowledge anything apart from money. I tried hard but I can’t forget her.
escort diary these things are hard to condense into a post. since you weren’t there and did not see everything I did for this woman, let me try and be clear…I did NOT judge her, I accepted everything about her UNTIL and listen close SHE TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE. And threatened me physically. I can’t go into too much detail…some people will make excuses or rationalizations for ANY type of behavior. I am not sure what you are talking about regarding “societal structures” It isn’t that complicated. She likes the fast money and the independence of doing whatever she wants WITHOUT consequences. She said some really bad things to make herself…you know when a woman accuses a guy of rape but he didn’t do it? That’s not what she did to me but she did something else along those lines. She is a hateful extreme narcissist …there is NO excusing her behavior. NONE. I adored here and literally kissed her feet upon meeting and leaving. I introduced her to my family. Some people are just BAD. In fact, I would call her an emotional terrorist. As a Christian, it was really hard to accept but she is one of them.
Well, that is your own personal experience. It does not mean all escorts are the same if that’s what you are trying to imply. There are good and bad people in every aspect of life. Yet one must analyze how such people behave in certain ways.