Studying so much about different theologies, scientific theories, and anthropology has often lead me to question my spirituality.
Sometimes I’m so convinced that there is no supreme hope, but then I am confronted with experiences that make me believe in fate.
For instance, why can’t I enjoy things so easily (naively) like most people? Why are my ‘ups’ followed by ‘downs?’ Why do I feel stunning one week, and hideous the next? Why am I confident one day, and insecure the next? I swear, it’s His plan to keep me from getting too much of an ego. If I was happy and feeling beautiful all the time I would probably be more selfish. But instead, I am faced with emotional barriers always, preventing my ego from developing further. Why?
Am I meant to be someone who feels things? Pain hurts, but admittedly it does make me wiser to an extent. Depression is lonely, but it does allow me to reflect and emphasize with my surroundings.
Aside from that, I have come to realize I am no longer 21. Although I am still considered young, I don’t feel it much anymore. I am now one quarter of a century years old. Never did I fathom that poor sleeping habits and stress would start to paint its picture on my face. My face has often been prized as my external best feature, in contest with my breasts. I rely on those assets to survive. Sure, some men like me for my personality also, but the initial attraction is the sparkle in my eyes (which is fading, due to stress). My age won’t be a barrier to the trade for years to come, as women in their 30′s can still make lots of money. But stress is a barrier, and it gets written all over my face. Back 5-6 months ago, my face was fresh and glowing..flushed with eagerness and desire (which is what clients want). But after months of letting men devour me like vultures I am metaphorically like a corpse leftover now.
Old clients want to see me, good clients. Yet I keep deterring appointments, because I’m not the same provider I was when they last saw me. I am reminded of the quote, “If you only walk in the sun you will never reach your destination..” Let me endure this storm, it shall pass.