Escorting pays well, but it’s by far the loneliest lifestyle ever. I totally understand why most escorts, regardless how rich they are, turn to drugs, alcohol, and abusive, loser men. In my case, I was never interested in drugs or alcohol. In fact seeing so many beautiful girls turn into zombies within months was enough to scare me from taking drugs to cope with my problems. My ex became my outlet. As much as I hated him and tried pushing him away I was severely addicted to him (even when he hurt me)……..I will explain further in a bit.
I will never forget Tony’s words. Tony was a driver for escorts during my escorting ventures overseas. He was an old chap in his seventies, who had been driving girls to and from their clients for over a decade. The best part about him was that he was not sleazy at all, so most girls (including myself) felt at ease around him. When I started dating my client (my ex fiancée) I told Tony that I was in love! His first words were: “Be careful. If I were you I would NOT get involved with a client. In time he will end up calling you a whore.”
Of course, I thought Tony had no idea what he was talking about, because MY boyfriend was different. He wasn’t any typical guy……….he was a seemingly pious man who didn’t go to clubs or drink alcohol. I thought my boyfriend was better because he was quiet, loving and nurturing. But Tony was right. Only a year later, my ex called me a whore in a heated argument. For the longest time I blamed myself and kept insisting that I provoked him to call me names or to slap me across the face (or to rip off my clothes and touch me sexually).
My ex was what is known as a ‘nice guy’ and it is only now that I realized that the whole ‘nice guy’ is just a front. He was willing to do everything for me. He cooked, cleaned, bought me anything I wanted, gave me the most intense orgasms every day of our relationship, seemed unselfish, and literally did whatever I wanted. Seems perfect right? Then why was I so unhappy? I started to realize that maybe he was deeply insecure. I mean, why did he want to commit so fast? Why did he always ‘come’ inside me despite I told him to pull out? He wanted to get me pregnant. He wanted to keep me. He wanted to make sure I was always pleased. I thought he was the perfect man…until after a year I started to realize the price.
Sex was amazing between us. Being a working girl is a very strange thing because having so much sex does a strange thing to me (and other girls I’ve talk too): It makes us want sex all the time. My ex and I had sex all the time, and he was one lucky guy knowing that I wanted it. After a year, sex started to get tiring all the time…so I wasn’t always interested (yet we still did it basically everyday). His sex drive never diminished. Even if we didn’t have sex, we would still orgasm. If I wasn’t feeling sexual, he would do anything to TRY to get me aroused. He seemed to love pleasing, but then I started to question whether he wanted to see me aroused…or is he trying to lure me into sex?
Anyway, now we are apart. Last night we had a fight and I lost my mind. I abandoned my pride and went off on him….calling him every name I could in hopes he would feel miserable like me. It is ironic that I am feeling this way. As mentioned before, I kicked him out a few months ago. I forced him to buy the airline ticket so he could go back to his hometown (on the other side of the world). He called me crying from the airport. I was so relieved to be free from him.
Now it is months later, and for the first time I am crying. I cried out loud last night, because I feel so betrayed. I truly considered getting back with him in the last month. I looked at our relationship and realized that I need to change. He said he will help me change. He said I need to stop working in the sex industry. He said he will support my education. He said he will support us. BUT THEN….what about him? This is when I broke down. He never ONCE admitted his flaws. He never ONCE said it was wrong of him to call me a whore, etc. I had admitted my faults numerous times, and all he did is blame me for everything. I’m selfish, I sleep with other men, I call him names and belittle him. I admit it. He keeps saying that the whole time during our relationship he was always trying to help me and protect me (but it was me to started the fights). If he was so caring, why did he react violently?
I asked him last night, “Do you think it’s ok to assert your physical strength on a woman?” All he could say was that my ‘calling him names, anger, and mood swings’ were making me mad. He was trying to justify hitting me. It killed me. I asked him over and over if he thinks its okay to hit a woman, but he just kept coming up with excuses to justify what he did. It was not the answer I was hoping for, and it crushed my soul. I realized then, last night, that everything isn’t MY fault. My ex isn’t a saint, he is a ‘nice guy’ who is addicted to my body. One thing that never made sense to me is that why didn’t he leave me if I was so hostile to him? He continuously tells me it was my anger that started our fights, so why didn’t he leave me? Had I not called the police and have them ask him to leave me, where would we be now?
I tried breaking up with him early on in the relationship because I knew we were very different, yet he would cry and say that he has nobody. I truly felt sorry for him, which is why I could not let him go easily. And now….I love my freedom to be away from him, yet I am deeply lonely. I crave the man I love, the man who slapped me across the face….the man who spends 1 hour licking my entire body until I have the most intense orgasm on his face. It is so messed up. What sort of love is this? My hormones crave him only, and yet I know he is no longer this perfect man.
I am a desirable, beautiful woman who is paid a large sum of money for her company, and yet I feel utterly alone. There are many men I know who want to go out and spend time with me (who are genuine and nice)….but being an escort has distorted my reality. I no longer know how to act around men. I only know how to act around clients. A lot of young guys I meet at school want to go out with me, but I can’t even conceive of hanging out with them. For one, I want to trust them but escorting ruined my perception of men. Although I appear normal, friendly, and sweet I am deeply ruined and emotional inside. This keeps me from being near others who want to be near me.
*I like how Amber describes the reality of being a high-class Escort. It’s basically spot-on on on how it is:
Being an escort is a very lonely way to live.
Surronded by men, but no one who really knows you. Noone who really cares about you.
Escorts lose their family and friends. We either shock them into leaving us if they find out, or we get caught up in our world of secrets and lies that we slowly block people out, until we realize we are alone. Maybe not physically, but alone.
We cant tell anyone what we do for work. We cant talk about our day, our clients. We cant share the funny or scarey stories with anyone. We cant sit down with our families and talk about how this all makes us feel.
We end up isolated, and there may be people around us, but it is different now because we cant open ourselves up to them anymore. We cant be ourselves, because we are doing something that noone wants to talk about. We cant be ourselves with our clients either. We have to perform a job, and that job is to be sweet and sexy and completely focused on him. Noone wants an angry escort, or one crying because her boyfriend beat her up.
Even after leaving the business, they are our secrets to keep. Our memories, our stories, that we cant share with people we care about.
Its loneliness. It makes you guarded, and cautious. Normal conversations, normal get togethers, become tricky. Lying gets hard, and always having to hide the truth is harder.
I get so many emails from those who have worked, just to tell me a story, just to get something off their chest and feel the relief of having been able to talk to someone. I love that they can write to me. And it breaks my heart because I know how hard it is to live that way.
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