Justice For All? The use of Law and the Hypocrisy of Feminist Stances Towards Prostitution Laws

How do government laws affect the lives of prostitutes? Below is an old essay I wrote regarding prostitution laws in today’s Modern nation-state world:

justice

It is hard to imagine reading a paper or watching the news without hearing about some excerpt about prostitution and laws surrounding. After all, prostitution has historically been a popular and controversial issue in many societies. Defining prostitution is difficult because of the various of interpretations of its meaning. According to the World Health Organization, prostitution is, “a process that involves a transaction between a seller and a buyer of a sexual service.” On the other hand, the United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS has a more complex interpretation of prostitution: “Sex work may be formal or informal,” and then continue to explain that, “Commercial sex work may be conducted in formally organized settings from sites such as brothels, night clubs, and massage parlors; or more informally by commercial sex workers who are street-based or self-employed.” The complexity of prostitution helps explain why it’s an issue that evokes multiple opinions. In the modern nation-state, prostitution has become a social ‘issue’ that is regulated or prohibited by law. For instance, prostitution may be illegal, legal, or decriminalized. For social and cultural academics, it is important to make the sense of laws and the society. Therefore, one can use variety of theoretical frameworks, such as feminism or bio-politics, to explain the prostitution phenomena. In this essay, I will look at certain feminist influences on prostitution laws, and it’s implications. I will then analyze those feminist trends in prostitution laws through the lens of biopower. The two popular feminist stances have been either to tolerate prostitution by regulating it or to abolish prostitution by criminalizing it. Overall, prostitution laws result in the further marginalization of prostitutes despite being back by some feminist groups. Prostitution laws, instead, maintains neoliberal state interests while ignoring the true feminist aim of female empowerment.

Theory

Biopower is a term that was coined by Michel Foucault, which inspired a new theoretical frame to academic thought. For Foucault, biopower is the ‘”regulatory power of states over populations,” which thus produces, “docile bodies in everyday life of institutions.” In other words, Foucault tried to emphasize that the body is a way to understand a society and how power is used to control their lifestyles. Lifestyles of individuals and their self-care practices are influenced by an overarching power. Giorgio Agamben further elaborated Foucault’s theory. In Agamben’s view, the sovereign power constructs ideals for citizenship where certain lifestyles amount to a ‘qualified life.’ However, individuals who contrast from the ‘ideal’ are living a ‘bare life,’ and thus are excluded in various ways, such as marginalization or facing violence. Therefore, the marginalized groups in society are only marginalized because state power determines who can be included in the society and who cannot. In “What’s Law Got to Do with it? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work,” Jane Scoular notes that prostitutes are part of the ‘bare life,’ where they are marginalized due to not being ‘ideal’ citizens.  To understand biopower, it is important to know who is an ‘ideal’ citizen and answer: what is the purpose of including some while excluding others?

In modern nation-states in the West, a ‘qualified’ life relates to neoliberal ideals. Neoliberalism is a shift in political, economic and ideological policy that began in the 1980’s (Yang, 2013), which currently dominates many governments globally. Economically, it is a policy of free-markets with minimal government interventions. Politically, it is the diffusion of government into smaller institutions. The notion of ‘freedom’ and individualism is the ideology behind neoliberalism, where individual freedom is achieved only through free markets. Yet the hidden element is that neoliberal policies seek to maintain the power of economic elites, and, it’s a “political project to re-establish the conditions of capital accumulation.” Neoliberalism, according to Scoular, is the main idea behind a ‘qualified’ life in Agamben terms. She notes, “modern law operates to regulate the complete lives of individuals,” and thus the law influences social norms. For instance, prostitutes are marginalized due to social stigma. The stigma, as Davey and Kissil mention, is the result of laws that criminalize prostitutes. Prostitutes are criminalized because the state feels they pose a threat to their ideals. For instance, the Contagious Diseases Acts in the late 19th century are said to criminalize prostitutes for their alleged danger to public health. Medical discourses and sciences were used to justify penalizing ‘unregulated’ persons, but in reality it was a moral panic over ‘unregulated’ sexuality. Controlled sexuality was crucial to the Modern nation-state agenda. Thus, prostitutes can only be ‘qualified’ if they satisfy the needs of neoliberal ideals, such as self-regulating themselves in a manner which results capital accumulation. The law is a way of expressing state power in an indirect way, as it influences norms, and thus influences people to maintain neoliberal interests. I will discuss how neoliberal interests are maintained through prostitution laws, but first I will discuss feminism as theory, since certain feminist have a strong stance on prostitution laws.

Feminism consists of many differing outlooks, yet there are notions that all feminists agree upon. For instance, feminists agree that female voices need to be addressed and recognized in society. They also stand for female empowerment through gender equality, especially in a Modern context where women are found less in high status positions compared to men. Despite these agreed upon notions, feminists differ in other aspects. Postmodern feminists, for instance, contend that feminism has been dominated by white, middle-class women, and such women cannot represent the interests of women as a whole. The weakness in feminism is that there is a lack of consensus on a variety of topics. With regards to prostitution, there are oppositional feminist stances, which is highlighted by Maureen Davey and Karni Kissil in their analysis titled, “The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.” Yet these two feminist stances do not speak for all feminists, because many feminists may be open to other theories on prostitution.

Discussion

Abolish Prostitution? Regulate it?

Two popular feminist stances towards laws on prostitution are: abolishing prostitution or regulating it. Yet while both have different stances, they both have very limited outlooks. Feminists who seek to abolish prostitution are often termed as Radical Feminists. In their view, prostitutes are victims of male oppression. Their goal is to abolish prostitution, as they feel prostitution only serves to oppress women. An example of this stance is found in Sweden, where prostitution is illegal. However, punishment is only directed at clients, whereas sex workers, seen as victims, are guided by state into ‘exiting’ programs. On the other side, another group of feminists, which Davey and Kissil termed the ‘pro’ feminists, feel that prostitutes have the agency to make their own choices and thus the laws should give them legal rights. The ‘pro’ feminists are usually in favor of laws which prostitution is tolerated. Therefore, legalization assumes that prostitutes will be empowered because they have legal rights. Overall, both the ‘pro’ and radical feminists are not challenging hegemonic state power, but rather are staying within its power. They fail to address how prostitution laws are part of wider form of maintaining state interests. In this view, the two feminist stances in the prostitution debate are problematic, because they are trying to represent the voices of all women. But as Kissil and Davey note, the two feminist stances have seldom consulted with the voices and desires of the prostitutes themselves. The lack of acknowledging the voices of prostitutes is apparent when given the implications of these feminist solutions to prostitution.

massage parlor

Prostitution laws, whether tolerant or against prostitution, results in more disadvantage than advantage for prostitutes. This is rather ironic, since feminist backed prostitution laws are usually aimed at protecting sex workers. For example, in Sweden, prostitutes are only protected from the law so long they adhere to ‘exiting’ programs, which are programs that aid prostitutes to exit the sex industry and integrate in mainstream society. This idea of exiting assumes that all prostitutes have the same desires, and thus all can be controlled. Therefore, prostitutes who don’t exit are deemed as criminals. As Scoular notes, “Criminalization in Sweden resulted in more risky situations for sex workers, where they have less choice of clients, quicker transactions, drop in prices and greater stress” (20). She further notes, “The Swedish Model just got rid of ‘visible’ street workers, while it created ‘invisible’ sex workers in off-street work” (20). Therefore, individuals who remain prostitutes in Sweden become excluded, because society has made no place for them. What is also interesting is how radical feminists aim at the criminalization of men over women, where men targeted as clients. This actually doesn’t result in gender equality, but rather it shifts the stigma of prostitutes over to men.

Canadian examples illustrate the implications of prostitution laws where prostitution is tolerated. In Canada, the exchange of sex for money is legal, yet other laws make it difficult for prostitutes to conduct their services legally. Tamara O’Doherty (2011) notes that Canadian prostitution laws “ensure prostitution remains firmly entrenched in illicit markets by requiring sex workers to offend the criminal laws in order to work in safely (indoor venues)” (219). She further notes how Section 213 of the Canadian criminal code states that public communication for the purpose of prostitution is criminally prohibited. To illustrate this: brothels cannot legally label themselves as spaces for prostitution. Instead, they have to label themselves as non-sex related businesses, such as a massage parlor. Prostitutes themselves cannot be open about their services either; they cannot discuss with clients beforehand about their services. At the same time, Section 211 makes it illegal to use a place on a regular basis for prostitution, so therefore the massage parlor must ensure they deny sex is going on. According to O’Doherty, this ‘quasi-legal’ atmosphere places sex workers in more vulnerable positions, where they less prone to working in safe places. Given that the two feminist stances both have mainly negative implications for the lives of prostitutes, it seems that laws are not empowering their intended subjects. But rather, it’s pushing the majority of prostitutes to the ‘bare life.’

Since laws do not benefit most prostitutes, then the obvious question is: who benefits from the prostitution law? The State benefits as the laws ensure that their neoliberal interests are not challenged. In Sweden, exiting programs help prostitutes find ‘normal’ jobs, which they will become ‘qualified’ taxpayers, and thus assimilating with the hegemonic ideals and aiding the state power. In some Canadian provinces, for instance, local municipal laws require that massage parlors obtain expensive licenses to operate. As well, Edmonton sex workers are required by local municipal law to obtain licenses for each place they work. The act of licensing is a way of commercializing the sex industry, which means the state profits off licenses. It also is way of controlling and monitoring prostitutes. Therefore, those who participate in licensing are included in society, as they are doing what the state wants. However, not all prostitutes want or are in the position to reveal their identities. For instance, an illegal immigrant is automatically excluded from having ‘qualified life,’ because they are invisible to state recognition. And while legalization is argued to protect some prostitutes, others have argued that increased regulation means increased policing and monitoring over the lives of women. Further, many academics agree that prostitution laws do not reverse the negative impact of social stigma, which stigma causes psychological trauma for many prostitutes.  Therefore, many prostitutes are excluded and marginalized for failing to adhere to state interests. Sadly, marginalized groups are part of sustaining the capitalism. Therefore, the Radical and ‘pro’ feminists are contradicting themselves, because they are supporting a system of inequality, where only a minority of ‘qualified’ prostitutes are included in society. Such groups should not even be called feminist, because feminism is supposed to be about to gender equality.

Feminism in current times, influenced by Postmodernism, emphasizes the diversity of female experiences, yet the ‘pro’ and radical feminist views on prostitution ignore an open, multi-theoretical approach. It is no wonder that these feminist stances on prostitution laws have had problematic results for prostitutes themselves. Given that prostitution laws have not benefited the fate of most sex workers it becomes obvious that laws are more concerned with sustaining state power and interests. However, the complexity involved in prostitution makes it difficult to find an alternative law that will satisfy the needs of everyone. Yet the question remains: can law be more inclusive of all members of society when considering how law is a tool of marginalizing certain people? So while the framework of biopower helps us understand prostitution laws it doesn’t really give us a solution to challenge the hegemonic power.  Many aspects of people’s lives are orientated toward neoliberal interests in most advanced capitalist nation-states. Therefore, it is difficult to challenge the power of state when the populations are compliant with the law. However, as an anthropologist it is the task to be critical and to educate others about making the familiar seem strange, whilst making the strange seem more familiar. As a postmodern feminist, it is important to be open to the ideas and theories of others. Rather than continue to marginalize others, one needs to think of ways that society can be more inclusive of so-called deviant groups.

Partial References:

Davey, Maureen & Kissil, Karni. (2010). The Prostitution Debate in Feminism: Current Trends, Policy and Clinical Issues Facing an Invisible Population.Journal of Feminist Family Therapy 22 (1), 1-21.

Farquhar Judith & Zhang Qicheng. (2005). Biopolitical Beijing: Pleasure, Sovereigntly, and Self-Cultivation in China’s Capital. Cultural Anthropology 20(3), 303-327.

Harley, David. (2005). Freedom is just another word. A Brief History of Neo-Liberalism. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

O’Doherty, Tamara. (2011). Criminalization and Off-Street Sex Work in Canada. Canadian Journal of Criminology and Criminal Justice, 217-245.

Schoular, Jane. (2010). What’s Law Got to do with It? How and Why Law Matters in the Regulation of Sex Work. Journal of Law and Society 37 (1), 12-39.

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A Courtesan: The Allure of Scent

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Indeed it is the 5 senses (touch, taste, smell, hear and see) along with mental stimulation that makes great intimacy and love. In the sex industry satisfying all of these qualities is possible but rare. In most cases, clients seek to stimulate one or multiple of their senses. One sense that many clients desire for sexual arousal is: satisfying their ‘scent’ sense. Artificial fragrances, such as perfumes, are only one part of the scent desire, but natural scents are what heighten arousal. One of the first things most clients do when we meet is embrace me in a hug, which instantly they detect my fragrance and natural scent.  This is usually followed by them starting to kiss and lick my body, from my neck, lips and breasts. Then gradually, they will taste their way around the meanders of my body. The common pattern is kissing and tasting her body, from her neck to her breasts or between her legs. For some, scent by-way-of-tasting is secondary to sexual penetration. For others, scent is the main feature of a sexual encounter.

Some men have a desire for scent that goes beyond the convention; it’s essential to their arousal. Often, they exceptionally desire the ‘taboo’ areas. The ‘taboo’ areas could be the feet, the underarms, the anus and buttocks, etc. Of course, they are only ‘taboo’ in the sense that they are unrecognized/unacknowledged in popular discourse on sexuality. If anything, the ‘taboo’ areas are extremely erogenous areas that can bring great pleasure. Sadly, a lot of people feel embarrassed about their ‘unconventional’ desires. For some men, it’s often easier to express these desires with a prostitute rather than their own wives or partners.

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The other day, I was laying on stomach on bed, completely relaxed. A married client of mine was kissing my legs, working down to my feet. He started kissing my feet and then said, “There is a lot of sex at the feet.” After, he proceeded to lick between my toes. Before he feasted on other regions of my body, he would stop for a brief moment to inhale my scent. He would inhale it as if it had an intoxicating effect, and then he would dive in and taste. He made sure to put extra attention in all the taboo areas, which excited me past my tipping point. Experiences like these compel me to ponder: but why? For some, it is the allure of social stigma, the ‘taboo,’ which drives their excitement; it’s this idea of being in a subordinate position. For others, it is more biological where the scent, alone, triggers sexual gratification.

The most memorable ‘scent’ client I had was a young 19 year boy I met while I was working overseas for a short trip. I worked at small high-end brothel establishment for a brief few weeks. I met him on my first day, and then he insisted to book my entire shift whenever I worked. Our last encounter was an 8 hour booking, which he enthusiastically paid for each portioned hour. What makes him memorable is that we never had sex. I saw him numerous times until the end of my holiday, and each time his main desire was two things: my companionship and my ‘taboo’ areas. Most ‘scent’ driven men usually want intercourse alongside licking and tasting, but this particular client was different. He was completely satisfied with kissing and licking my hands, feet, between my legs and my buttocks. I would lay on my tummy, and could simply relax while his face was between the cheeks of my posterior. At the same time, he was also impeccably respectful and he always asked permission first. His desire puzzled me back then, but now I understand his attraction to scents.

In my own preferences, scent is one of the essential components of sexual chemistry. Scent is what ignites my desire to reciprocate. Scent has a lasting affect, which makes me long for it after wards. However, in terms of clients I seldom desire to indulge in their scents. Rather, my scent desire is reserved for someone I love. Scent is beyond just perfumes or ointments, but rather it’s the addition of natural scent that is unique to each individual. It cannot be simply mimicked by artificial means, because the natural scent of another person is part of the phenomena of sexual chemistry.

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Escorts, Clients and the Sex Industry: Questions and Answers # 5

This is Q&A No.5 of a series where I answer questions that viewers type in search engines to locate my blog.

1. What is an Exotic Escort?

exotic-escort

I use the term ‘exotic’ for myself in the context of being ‘different’ as an escort. I differentiate myself in that my cultural roots, ideological outlook and upbringing were rather unique compared to my surroundings. However, now that I look back in retrospect I should have been more cautious in choosing the word ‘exotic,’ because the term ‘exotic’ has a very Orientalist notion to describe the Other outside of the Occident (the West).

Many escorts use the term ‘exotic’ to describe themselves as having a different ‘beauty’ or appearance than the norm of their given setting. For instance, an Asian woman in a predominantly white-dominated sex industry is perceived as ‘exotic,’ because she her features are rare and different from the majority.

 

2. Is it harder for an escort who has sex with multiple partners daily to orgasm?

It truly depends on her, as an individual and her personal circumstances. A lot of women suppress (or are oblivious to) their sexual desires, so thus orgasm might be challenging or nonexistent in their lives. Traditional Modern Gender roles are a major factor in the suppression of female sexuality, as ‘her pleasure’ was traditionally dismissed as irrelevant in popular discourse. Of course things have changed, as many men and women are aware of the female sexual capabilities. However, the Traditional Gender ideals of masculinity and femininity for men and women are still institutionalized in almost every factor of Modern society, and thus remain influential attitudes.

But as I mentioned in a previous Q&A, having sex with clients can sometimes enhance my personal sex life. I may or may not get aroused by clients, but it certainly builds up my anticipation for my personal lovers. Having a lot of mediocre sex with clients can sometimes make me intensely crave good intimacy with someone I desire.

 

3. What do escorts think about older clients?

Old, middle-aged, young…it doesn’t really matter to me. Age does not define how a client will act, so such things are quite irrelevant. I know some other female escorts who prefer older clients because there is a belief that older clients are easier to please. This belief may be held because some older men have a tendency of being more patient and relaxed in their sexuality, whereas younger men are more eager. However, characteristics of all sorts can be found in clients regardless of age, class or ethnic background.

 

4. Do Escorts Give Discounts (Cheaper) for Good Looking Men? Do Escorts Prefer Good Looking Men?

This question actually made me laugh. No! I’d say the majority of escorts would laugh if a man assumed his ‘good looks’ would get him a better deal. Most escorts, such as myself, do not care about looks. An experienced courtesan knows very well that ‘good looks’ have no relevance to our livelihoods. A handsome client does not guarantee that he will be a good sexual lover, a good person or at best, generous. Qualities that I enjoy in clients are generosity, kindness, respect, hygienic, intellect and selflessness in sex (non-demanding) – such things cannot be compensated by superficial aesthetics alone.

This reminded me a client who tried to book with me. He called me and made countless efforts to tell me how ‘handsome’ he was, and how ‘well-endowed’ he was in size. I just rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “You are probably the worst in sex considering you have to convince me of how apparently amazing you are.” I hung up, and refused to see him. Ladies beware: Any man who boasts excessively about his achievements or his ‘amazingness’ is to be avoided. Such men with big egos are usually masking HUGE insecurities and shortcomings. Thankfully, after years of encountering so many men, I know very well that: If it seems too good to be true, it is! Any man who proposes such a ‘larger than life’ offer has a dirty motive behind it, so please be wary of such things.

sensuallips 

5. What to do when a Regular Client Starts Seeing Another Girl?

Don’t do anything. He’s a client. Expect this. Sadly, in the Modern world of prostitution it is more than acceptable for a client to have no responsibility towards an escort. Even if he has seen her multiple times, it is at best a fragile relation with little significance. Of course, not all clients have this ‘neglecting’ intention with escorts. In fact, many clients stay loyal to one woman. However, I’d say not to worry about such matters.
Thankfully, I have always maintained a decent, quality handful of regular clients besides my Sheik. I have known some of them for several years. However, these men are not bound to me in any way. Most of them are married. I see them when they request me, but I do not intervene in their lives further, nor do I let them intervene in my own life. Whether or not my regular clients see other girls or not is not of my concern. I have no expectation of them.

In my days working in a high-end brothel, I saw many escorts get furious when their regular client started seeing another girl. Instead of blaming the client, they often blamed the other escort for allegedly ‘stealing’ her client. But blaming other escorts is hardly valid. Blaming the client is also invalid. It is simply part of the industry. Relationships in this industry are very fluid, so I prepare myself to never take things too seriously.
Sometimes I am unable to see my regular clients because I am busy in my personal life. At times I have even encouraged some of my regular clients to see other escorts. If I had a female friend who’s an escort, then I would recommend my client to see her. If you are an escort who has the notion of ‘hoarding’ clients then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I have found that my ‘openness’ with clients has made them more loyal to me.

 

6. Do Escorts Like Clients who are ‘Big,’ ‘Well-Endowed?’

From observing conversations with other escorts, most women tend to complain when a client is too big, or too much work (meaning too demanding and takes too long to ejaculate). For instance, if a clients’ size is too big and the intercourse is anticipated to be painful, then we might decline having sex with him. If he is rather large, most of us hope the sex will be quick. Some escorts with very big ego’s will say things like, “I’m not going to risk hurting my pussy with one client, it’s not worth it.” Personally, I have declined to have sex with clients who are too large, because I didn’t feel the potential pain was ‘worth’ my time.

Surprisingly, very ‘big’ men are not common as one may think. Most clients are average in genital size. Many escorts even develop a preference for ‘smaller’ men, because the assumption is that it will do less impact to her body. I prefer average or smaller with clients, because logically it’s easier on my body.  My personal preference in my personal life is another story.  If I happen to be aroused on a particular day, I must admit that I have preferred an ‘endowed’ size over small.  I can recall a few weeks ago I was so aroused one day, and I was meeting a new client. I was immensely full of desire and was hoping that he would be ‘bigger,’ but to my dismay he was like quite small.

I should note that penis size does not guarantee pleasure. A lot of men are insecure about their size, but my view is that size is very secondary to giving pleasure to a woman. Pleasure is not just about physical aspects but also relates to mental stimulation and geometric fit of each participantGreat pleasure is never simply mind or body; it is the combination of both. To illustrate this in another way: a beautiful woman may attract someone, but her body alone is not enough to draw genuine and immense longing from another person.  I may attract men with my looks, but when they truly fall in love they fall in love with other elements that are not just physical.

 

7. Is it a Bad to Have an Escort Girl for a Girlfriend?

Why is it bad? It is only ‘bad’ because Modern society has a cruel and unjust attitude towards prostitutes. An escort is no different than any other human being. She is deserving of love, acknowledgement and care just as anyone else. Sadly, society still holds this view that such non-conforming groups are un-deserving of basic human dignity. Such a view needs to be challenged.

 

Lovers Embrace

8. Do Escorts Enjoy Having Sex?

I sometimes get annoyed when I repetitively see questions like these, because asking such a question makes the assumption that human emotions can be standardized and generalized like an inanimate product.

I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts, because human beings have a diverse span of emotions, experiences and life circumstances which all form their unique way of viewing life (and viewing others). If an escort likes sex, it does not mean she will like sex with just anyone. Of course not.

As I have stressed before on this blog: things such as chemistry are not ‘learned’ behaviors – no amount of superficial efforts can create chemistry.  Two people desiring each other remains as mysterious today as it has in the past – chemistry is a phenomenon that has no linear explanation.

9. Being an Escort: How to Keep a Normal Life Going with This Double Life I’m Living?

A question what one needs to ask themselves is: what constitutes as being normal? Is it obedience to authority? Is it acting like everyone else? It is not questioning the dominant trends or discourses? A lot of the Modern norms that exist today serve the purpose of benefiting a system of inequality and dehumanization rather than a humanistic and collectivist purpose. A question I had to ask myself in recent years is: It there even a point to continue striving for a ‘normal’ life when my life is anything but the norm?

I had mentioned in my blog previously that I make tremendous efforts to conform in public. The way I dress, act and appear is very conforming (normal) from a public perspective. The purpose of conforming is to avoid rejection; I once desperately wanted to belong and be accepted by others. But in the process of appearing normal I was truly rejecting myself. It also became very exhausting trying to play different roles in different settings, so often I just isolated myself as it was the only place I could stop pretending to be someone I was not.

For years after becoming an escort, I struggled with my identity. I didn’t know who I was, and I focused more on what I was expected to be. I was performing several different roles, catering to the needs of everyone else. I was an escort, but I had to conceal this part of my life. How could I look, act and mingle like the majority of people when my experiences, tastes and ideas were totally different? How could I interact with normal women who would probably shun me if they knew my secret lifestyle? This is when I realized that society has made no place for stigmatized persons; for years it was emotionally exhausting feeling I must hide myself all the time.

Other escorts realize their rejection in mainstream society early on, so they find social support among other sex workers. But I couldn’t do this. I felt estranged even among most other escorts — sadly, there is no sense of wholesome solidarity/community among escorts in an Individualistic society. Many escorts are still profoundly influenced by gender role expectations (ironically) and tend to judge each other. I found that escorts usually bond together in their misery. Rather than deal with their pain together in a wholesome manner, they resort to ‘numbing’ their pain together by way of partying, drinking, excessive materialism and/or drug use. “Misery loves company” is a perfect phrase for when escort solidarity does exist. It isn’t only stigmatized persons, but also a lot of seemingly normal people tend to ‘party’ away their misery, because they themselves get tired of trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal placed upon their gender. Social pressures surely can explain why the ‘drinking and party’ culture is so prevalent in Western societies, because drinking allows people to be artificially feel comfortable with themselves. Personally, I try my best to avoid such artificial situations. For me, the only place where I could reveal myself is when I was alone. My other outlet is when I fell in love.

Early on, I desired the ‘normal’ life and expectations for a woman: to fall in love, to get married and to have a family. I imagined that I could easily transition into a ‘normal’ life once getting married and settling down. And I almost did it. I stopped working for a long portion when I was with my ex-fiance. But throughout our relationship, I realized that my experiences of being a sex worker prevented me from conforming to the tastes and mannerisms of mainstream society, because I still had to hide myself. My ex-fiance accepted me and never judged me for selling my body, but the struggle remained within myself. In the early years of escorting, I was in denial of the fact that I wasn’t like ‘normal’ girls. I sold my body, but I felt I was better than most escorts because my outside lifestyle and mannerisms were normative. But now, I have come to accept that I am a woman with a totally different outlook compared to the average girl. I see sides of men and their sexuality that most women never see. My experiences have made my life anything but normal. And now I accept it, and I stop trying to look for straight lines.

So can an escort ever live a normal life? Sure, she can pretend her life is normal for outsiders, but inside she will be hiding a lot of emotions. A person can only hide themselves for so long. Sadly, I do not have a sound answer to this question, as there isn’t really any wholesome alternatives made for sex workers in a Modern Western context. I personally found comfort in associating myself with people who are open-minded and critical of certain social norms. I also find that a lot of students in the Arts and Social Sciences discipline (sociology, gender studies, history, humanities, anthropology and the like) are quite open-minded and accepting of alternative lifestyles, as most of our research is to deconstruct/understand such phenomena opposed to blind subordination. There are a minority of decent, wholesome people who challenge the unjust notions of society and are in favor of alternative lifestyles.

A lot of great films about courtesans and ‘fallen women’ really depict this emotional struggle that we face, where a prostitute realizes her place in society is un-welcomed, abnormal, detestable and condemned. Shortly, I will post a list of great films that portray the life and emotions of a prostitute. One of the greatest films about the life and misery of a courtesan is an old Bollywood film titled, “Pakeezah.” A translation of a powerful line in the film is when Sahib Jaan (the courtesan) says to her beloved, “wherever you take me, my disgrace will eventually find me.” That line clearly shows her loss of hope, knowing that her soul is irreversibly scarred by her maligned experiences.

meena Kumari (Pakeezah)

An excellent analysis of the courtesan film, “Pakeezah” can be found here: http://mrandmrs55.com/2012/04/16/the-immortal-dialogue-of-pakeezah/

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The Courtesan: Preparing for a Client in Vain..

preparing-in-vainI step out of the shower, and lotion my body to make it silky soft and soothe. I silken my hair. I apply my makeup with a racy, provocative touch.

I press red lipstick against my soft lips and decorate my eyes with dark liner. For a second, I imagine you are staring at me in all my vanity. How I know it will arouse you to see me so delicate and so alluring. Not only do I look as if saturated in lust, but my scent is just as daring, my demeanor is even more risqué. Its all yours, I say to myself.

Then I squeeze my generous portions of breasts into a silk and lace bra…a bra too small for my voluptuous breasts. How inviting they are…and how I long for you too see me in such a spectacular sight. Finally, I slip on a matching panty over hips that were made to be grasped by loving hands.

I caress my breasts and close my eyes. I caress myself by imitating all the ways you once touched me. I am taken back to a vision when your hands lovingly grabbed a hold of my soft flesh….and how they were placed onto the warmth of your mouth. My scent is dripping in allure, and how I long for you to taste me.

I’ve prepared my body for a client…drenched in my sensual ritual. My body is ready to arouse, to evoke admiration. I anticipate how a strange man will feast his eyes on my womanly body, along with my reddened lips and eyes. He will be mesmerized by my smile, and he will feast on my enticing curves. But my dearest, I wish it wasn’t some strange man who is granted such pleasures — I wish it was you.

bustyNow he see’s me and compliments my vain efforts. Slowly everything comes off, all my attire. The only thing that remains is the erotic nature of my face, and a very exposed body. Instead of you, it is a strange mans mouth who explores and tastes my body. When he parts my legs, how I long for you to be in his place. So I close my eyes, and imagine that your soft lips are touching my skin.

He is so aroused, and yet I only long to see your arousal. I have no desire to tease him with my ornaments like I did with you, nor show him my erotic capabilities ..no, I reserve them all for you. Yet still I pretend..I pretend as if your touch is what I feel. Take my body and immerse yourself in me. He is left fulfilled and satisfied, while my insatiable desire is left longing…….yearning.

The job is done. I remove the facade one by one, and slip back into normal attire. I put back the jewelry, and fine lingeries. I look at them closely and recite a line I once heard: “What are these pearls for ….if they are valued by no one?”

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A Letter of Acceptance and Sorrow – Irony with Purpose

Is it a mere coincidence that my fate unfolded as it did? After I brutally discarded my ex-finace and broke his heart, I was met with the so-called fruits of life (wealth, praise, luck). Yet in an ironic twist, such ‘fruits’ didn’t bare any meaning in the long term. Is it a coincidence that another great man, the Sheik, came into my life…and isn’t it ironic how this great man can only ever be a temporary bliss? Is it ironic how I get all this admiration from numerous men, yet I am so deeply isolated in my thoughts and emotion? There is a reason for everything. I accept my fate.

heart

My mind comes backs to dear person I once met in my life. A short encounter, yet a meaningful encounter. He told me of an old idiom (from an unknown source). He said there are many disabilities that are not visible to the eye. For instance, we often view people with disabilities as someone who has a visible problem, such as being blind, handicap, etc. We look at these people and feel thankful that we are not in their condition. We pity them. Indeed these people endure hardships. But we also fail to look at disabilities that are not visible to the eye, such loneliness, pain, depression, hopelessness. There are many forms of pain, and suffering….and often they not visible or known. I do not pity myself. What I endure is something that I can, thankfully, manage. But my heart often cries for those who cannot manage. There are people with worse conditions who do not even protest or seek help……I wish those people all the best, for their courage. When I say I am suffering, I am not asking for help……I am thankful for this, ironically. Pain opens my eyes, to the light from the darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

If this is Your way of punishing me for the terrible things I did in the past, then I accept it. But I just ask, in perhaps a selfish way, of how much longer will I be punished? Perhaps I deserve it. Perhaps I don’t even deserve to know how much longer I must endure this suffering. But I know You did this for a reason, and I am so thankful for all the experiences in my life, both good and bad, because I know You are doing the best for me .

5 years ago, I met a met a man whom I deeply hurt. He was my lover, my life partner, a man who was the light to my darkness. He was like a Sufi poet, who was devout in his love. Like that of Akbar the Great Mughal Emperor and his love for his non-Muslim wife Jodha, he accepted me who for who I was. He had so much love in his heart, so much love to give. He asked for nothing in return. He only asked that I hold his heart in mine. He proposed that we make a family together, and stay together as husband and wife. So for almost 3 years, we lived like husband and wife being engaged, and we dreamt of having a family. Like any true lover, he sought to protect me. I saw how he truly would fight against his own life to keep me safe and protected. But those were ideal times. The reality is that I was full of darkness and hatred, and I introduced my sorrows into his honest heart.

My ego killed not only us, but it crushed his soul. I left him. I left him alone, without any emotional support. Yes, I had the ideal love, a man who gave up his life for me, lovingly and sincerely. A man who put me first. A man who accepted me as I am, and was willing to do whatever to protect me, fight for me. And suddenly, because of feeling I needed to ‘live my life’ I abandoned him.

The sad part of our story is that I was a selfish, egotistic person when I was with him. I took advantage of his love, his kindness and his generosity. I was dominant in our relationship, which he enjoyed. He made the money, he paid the bills, but it was me who decided what to do with the money. I made all the decisions, which didn’t bother him at all. Yet all the decisions were to benefit myself. I never thought of his needs, which his only need was that I keep him in my heart. I only thought of myself throughout our relationship. He tried so hard to please me. He cooked gourmet meals for me, he bought whatever I wanted, he made love to me to make sure I get pleasure in abundance and before his own, and he made every effort to enjoy the same hobbies as I, such as reading and writing. Yet despite his perfection, I was so blind. I criticized him, I put down his confidence, and I made him feel like he was worthless. If I deserve any punishment, the punishment should be severe. I deserve the worst for what I did.

So yes, I had a man who loved me more than himself, who moved across the world to start a life with me. And I left him. He invested money and everything he had into me, but mostly he invest his heart. His heart, which I broke and abandoned. After we seperated, he wrote to me beautiful letters. He would ask me to reconsider my decision – he asked me to come back to him

After I left him, I was quick to do whatever I wanted. I jumped right into another relationship, with the Sheik (like my ex, also a client). I had everything I thought I wanted: freedom to do whatever I want, a generous Khaleeji lover, all bills and expenses paid, generous amount of savings, my own place, etc. But then I realized how miserable I was. I traded a perfect man for a fake life, a life of insignificance. And what is the cause of all this? My ego. The very idea of needing to cater to myself is the biggest evil in my life. In the process of ‘bettering myself’ I neglected so many people – and inevitably I neglected myself in the end.

So I sit here, with money, material abundance…everything I thought I always wanted. But I realize how deeply unhappy I am, because I have nothing with true meaning. Material things give temporary happiness, but it brings zero meaningful or wholesome feelings. What is missing in my life are things that money cannot buy. The things I desire are family, good friendships and love. And to have a family with security and protection (something I didn’t have) I need to have marriage, to a good man — a good man that I once had, but I threw him away. So now I am being punished. Punished for my selfishness. And I deserve every tear that I’ve cried. I deserve every moment of loneliness and wondering if live is even worth living if I have to continue this way.

holding hands

The irony of it all, I have someone. I have my Sheik. Is it Your way of testing me? It this my punishment? Is it Your intention that another amazing, perfect man entered my life? And it is just a coincidence that he can never marry me or give me children? If so, I accept Your punishment. I accept my tears. My Sheik resembles my dear ex-fiance in that he does all that he can to please me, and does so lovingly and with sincerity. Bless his heart. Anything I need, he gives it with pleasure. The Sheik’s infamous words to me are, “Min Ayouni ya omry,” which min ayouni essentially means ‘from my eyes‘ in Arabic, or in English interpretation, “It would be my pleasure to do anything for you.” We cry in each others arms when we discuss our future. I swear to myself that I will leave him, and at times I’m often determined to do so. But the reality is I am so attached to him. Every part of my life has been incorporated with his life. Yet at the end of his studies, the truth will become reality: we can never be together.

I have tried to leave him, and I did so with full determination. But when I leave him, he will not let me go. He will come to my feet and kiss them. He will take my hands and say, “Slap me, hurt me…do whatever you want to me….but don’t leave me.” He feels the pain too, how can I punish him for something that pains him perhaps more? And lately, he says what I thought I wanted to hear: “I will marry you, we can have children.” He knows that’s what I want. He wants it too, and we talk about having a girl first. But there are too many politics that will result from making our love official.

I don’t want to imagine the consequences of our love. The consequences are only more pain and hurt. If our love remains, then we lose love in other ways. Our happiness will bring pain for others. How can I be selfish and ask for such a thing? If we get married, we must stay here (in the West). Staying here means that he will lose his family, his career. Staying here means our children will have only one set of grandparents, from my side. Staying here means we are isolated and alone from the loving arms of family members. Staying here means our child will grow up with an uncertainty of cultural traditions, because sadly my own culture has got contaminated by mainstream Western ideology. So I tell him, “No. I will never marry you and live here.” Do I want to raise my child in an environment where it’s ‘cool’ to be materialistic? Do I want my children to grow up without structure from a strong-knit family? No. It makes me saddened to imagine having a child experience the same life I did….the same circumstances and ideologies that indoctrinated me to believe that being  ‘independent’ and ‘sexy’ was something to embrace, when in reality it lead me into prostitution and money addiction.  There is no way I want to stay here, the West, in an isolated family. So the Sheik and I… we cry more, because hope is against us. There is no chance for us to be in Saudi either without hardships. Family acceptance is another hurdle, a hurdle that I understand. Although Saudi culture is rapidly changing and giving into Western ideology, I do understand the urgency to preserve whatever’s left of the ‘old’ ways.

So, I understand Your intentions. I just ask, please let this suffering be over, because I have learnt my lesson. For the past 2 years, I have understood my right from wrong, and Inshallah, I will change it, with Your help.

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Leila and MajnoonI adore films and poetry. Many classic tales illustrate the pain of a forbidden relationship, such as the classic tale of Laila and Majnon in Persian/Indian/Arabic Folktales. An excellent Bollywood film that portrays such forbidden love is, “Veer Zaara,” where Veer and Zaara are very much like Laila and Majnon. The song below  (in 2 parts) from the film has powerful lyrics that illustrate the strength of love and sorrow. “Why is there a tradition of cruelty?”

“If I see your face, I will forget all my sorrows” — 2:33 seconds

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Escorting: Fears, Risks, and the ‘Girlfriend Experience.’

A female reader emailed me and posed an interesting question:

“I wanted to ask if you get any anxiety about stds? I wonder if escorts can ever feel very safe about meeting so many men who may infect them with something very serious.”

To answer her question: yes, when I first started escorting I had severe anxiety over many things, such as worrying about sexually transmitted diseases. Besides worrying about diseases, I was also worried that too much sex was going to damage me internally, by making me ‘loose.’ I wrote about that previously, which can be viewed here: http://exoticescortdiary.com/2012/03/02/the-myth-of-a-loose-woman/

erotic stockings

When I began escorting, I had very little sexual experience, thus I was a bit fearful of what having sex with strangers might entail. In particular, I was very worried that sleeping with multiple clients was placing me at risk for sex-related diseases. But once more familiar with the industry I realized that the risk was very minimal as I used a condom for oral and sex. My introduction to escorting  began with a high-end establishment that instructed girls to be extremely safe. And by extremely safe this meant there was no such thing as the ‘GFE’ (the Girlfriend Experience). At this high-end agency, escorts risked losing their job if they were caught doing ‘extras.’ Back then, the owner of this particular establishment prided herself in having girls who avoided GFE. In other words, there would be no kissing, no oral sex without a condom, or anything that’s considered intimate-like. Nowadays, such cautious attitudes do not prevail, and virtually all agencies and brothels embrace more risky services associated with the various interpretations of GFE. Men want the closest to passionate sex as possible from an escort — which is why GFE is highly in demand. Every girl has her own interpretation of what GFE entails — it might be oral sex with or without condoms, it might be light kissing or deep french kissing, etc, etc. Yet despite some girls being a little more/or less open-minded for certain acts of foreplay, a condom is always used for sex in any situation.

I’ve maintained the same stance on being safe. However, there is a slight contradiction. As I mentioned before, I did/do cross boundaries with certain clients. Specifically, I give in to receiving pleasure occasionally. A lot of clients then and now were lovely men, who seduced me in a respectful manner. I seldom stop them if they are talented. In such instances, I lavish in my own vanity and pleasure….and I’d think to myself something highly arrogant, such as, “Ahhh, men pay me to give ME pleasure.

 

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To my readers, I apologize for my absence. I have been writing lots as always, yet most of my writings are half-finished as I’m doing the difficult task of incorporating ideology and context to my observations. What I aim to do is give my readers a broader understanding, and a more ‘academic’ feel for the sex industry. I seek to conceptualize rather than simply sharing my personal accounts. More importantly, I want to avoid ‘essentializing’ traits of men and women, or giving the idea of ‘universals’ for human behavior. In other words, many observed traits of men and women are not innate, but rather are socially constructed. I want to focus on the social conditions that set the norms and habits in certain contexts or circumstances. A lot of what I write is very much context constrained (for the most part, I am writing about ‘high-end’ escorting in a Western social context). Although the experiences and observations I write about are common occurances/trends, they are not universals (they are not traits experienced by all prostitutes cross-culturally, nor historically). I want to make these points clear in my other posts. In any event, I also wish to make this blog a dialogue, so I welcome my readers to comment and share their own perspectives.

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January 22, 2013 · 8:19 am

Update

Hi All,

Sorry I haven’t posted in a long time! I will be writing again very soon. I also apologize for my delay in answering comments and emails. I will be in touch soon.

Sincerely,
Exotic Escort Diary

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